Chapter 13: Tates
"I like you," Tony Stark tells her through a mouthful of muffin. He says it like he still can't quite believe it, even if she hears this from him pretty much daily.
Ellie sits across the table from Iron Man, picking at the huge plate of food prepared by his girlfriend. Pepper Potts is lovely, but rather annoying in her mothering. The CEO of Stark Industries seems to have taken it upon herself to keep Ellie well fed.
This morning she sat Ellie down, shoved a giant plate of food in front of her, and then bopped off to work.
"You think I'm nuts," Ellie corrects, chomping on bacon and washing it down with orange juice.
"I know you're nuts," Stark says. "But there is no shortage of crazies around and I like you."
Ellie frowns at him and chews thoughtfully. Crazy is a word that just gets thrown around, but it actually means something. Just look at Loki.
"Thor wants Fury to let you spend nights in Bambi's cell," Stark muses, studying her intently. "All your nights. Reparations for the little stunned they pulled last week, lying to him about you."
Ellie is unsurprised to hear this. Thor would have her in the cell every moment if he could convince the others, but she honestly doesn't know if she can handle it. Every mood is so extreme, but lately his fear is nearly overwhelming.
Loki scared is almost more alarming than all the other horrors Ellie has witnessed combined.
She eats her breakfast and thinks about Loki literal fall from grace.
Ellie lost a scholarship to the Berklee School of Music, partied like a maniac, and then basically killed her fake father when she found out about her adoption. After his death her subsequent depression led to psychosis and she sliced her own wrists open in a bathtub to make the pain stop, and ran away from home the moment they let her out of the loony bin.
Loki tried to commit genocide on Jotunheim in an attempt to please his fake father and destroy what he couldn't kill off in himself before he fell.
Their actions are startlingly comparable, given that he is a god and what not. Ellie has a difficult time coming to terms with just how much they have in common.
She understands. She doesn't forgive him, but she really does understand that need to burn it all down. All that rage has to go somewhere.
"Why do you do it?" asks Stark, popping another chunk of muffin in his mouth.
Ellie shrugs.
"Come on, Debbie Harry. We're friends. Give it to me straight," he encourages.
"For the good of SHEILD, of course," she says, her tone saccharine.
Tony laughs. Tony laughs at Ellie a lot. His insults rarely offend her and she finds she doesn't mind his company.
"You've got about much love for SHIELD as I do," says Iron Man. "But Fury is a good guy. He tries, anyway. Didn't want them to blow up New York, at least."
Ellie shrugs. "I'm their prisoner, Stark."
"You're my guest, Eleanor," he corrects.
Ellie gives him a little smile. "They used me to hurt Loki," she says. "And they'll use me to find all about Asgardian physiology, if I give them the go ahead. Maybe even if I don't give them the go ahead."
"You're not going to do anything you don't want to do. We won't let them force you into anything," he says.
Elle gives him another little smile.
"Oh, you're good with the whole trying to change the subject thing. Why do you do it?" Tony pushes.
"Stockholm syndrome," she replies, cradling her hot mug of coffee and tucking her legs underneath her body.
Tony Stark blinks at her and try as she might, she is unable to fight off her smile. He lets out a barking laugh when he realizes that she is not serious but then he is frowning again.
"But for real, this dude kidnapped you, attempted to enslave your people, attempted to mind control you, killed hundreds!" As Tony Stark talks he grows more irate. The gentle teasing of a moment before is gone and Iron Man is angry. "And all of it was a fucking temper tantrum. He's just adopted so he throws a hissy fit that very nearly ends the world as we know it!"
There is silence for a moment. Ellie stares at Iron Man so intensely the egomaniac actually shuffles uncomfortably under her gaze.
"I'm adopted," she whispers.
"Well… yeah, I mean, I figured with the whole surprise, you might be god, thing," he mutters, looking properly ashamed of himself.
Ellie turns to look out the window at the sunshine. Tony Stark is blessedly silent for nearly two minutes, a personal record, no doubt.
"So that's why you put up with him? Comfort him? Let him paw at you?" he asks, less angry now, but still curious. "Because you're adopted too?"
Ellie rolls her eyes. "He doesn't paw at me. And it makes me sick, thinking about what he did, but I understand where that hate is coming from. It's like… I just… I've felt that rage. I pulled some pretty fucked up shit when I found out and if my rage was combined with a millennia of lies combined with torture to the point of insanity… well, I might have tried to burn the whole world down, too."
That was way more personal than Ellie ever anticipated getting with Tony Stark of all people, and she blushes, embarrassed and uncomfortable by her uncharacteristic verbosity.
Stark nods absently, but Ellie can tell he doesn't really get it, not that she expected him too. Ellie doesn't even really fully understand her pull to the God of Lies, but she'll go see him today, just like she'll she him everyday until Tony manages to finish the little device that will take the gods back home.
She has a very hard time thinking about what comes next.
"Should just be another couple weeks now," he muses as if he can read her mind. "Then they'll be gone and you'll be free to become another SHIELD lackey."
Ellie scowls at him.
"Still haven't decided?"
She shakes her head, but it's a lie. There is no way she'll willing become their lab monkey, but she won't turn them down yet either, not until Loki is gone. She doesn't know what happens, after she says no, but she won't risk anything taking her away from Loki.
"You could come work for me, you know."
"As what, exactly?"
"You, Britney Spears, could sing in my lobby."
She glares at him.
"What are you meeting with Fury about? Becoming a SHIELD lackey?"
"Honestly, Tony, I have no idea
"My brother asks for you," Thor says, falling into step beside her as she makes her way to the rooms in Stark Tower Fury commandeered as his own.
Loki is asking for her, which means he is either having a very good or very bad day. His bad days are less frequent, but good days are even more rare. Plus, good days aren't that good because he is still so angry and so confused.
"I'll come down after I meet with Fury," she murmurs, feeling dwarfed by the god.
"Very well, Miss Tate," he booms with a grin. "I shall inform him of your impending visit. He will be most pleased."
She nods absently, refusing to analyze the fact that she almost looks forward to her time spent with Loki, or she would if he wasn't in so much pain.
"I am glad my brother has you, Miss Tate," Thor says as Ellie pauses by Fury's door.
Ellie wants to tell Thor that Loki doesn't have her, not really, but the golden god looks so damn happy she can't bring herself to burst his bubble.
"Come in," Fury calls in response to her knock.
She does as instructed, wary as ever of all things SHIELD. Fury may let her see Loki and she now is mostly free to move about the tower, but she is still a prisoner. It's difficult not to hate him after the lie he told Loki, and she won't forget his capacity for cruelty and manipulation.
It's been nearly four months of imprisonment and Ellie doesn't really remember what it felt like to have her own life.
Deep in thought, Ellie shuffles into the office and takes her usual seat across from Fury at his desk without really looking around.
"Good morning, Miss Tate," Fury greets. She nods at him, folding her legs under her body and studying her hands in her lap.
"I still haven't decided and I'm not going to until they leave. I'm not going anywhere until they leave," she says. It is a familiar conversation at this point, with Fury badgering her.
"You're not here to continue that particular argument, Miss Tate," he says with a sigh. "You have visitors."
Ellie becomes aware of movement in the corner of the room and someone sniffles. She lifts her head to scowl at Fury and freezes when there is an even louder sniff.
Palms clammy, Ellie's heart rate accelerates with her panic. She doesn't have any real friends, none that SHIELD would bother looking into anyway. Although she broke all ties with her fake family years ago, on paper she is still Maureen Tate's daughter. Laura Tate's little sister.
"Ellie," says that achingly familiar voice.
It has Ellie biting the side of her cheek to keep from crying. Where is the apathy? She doesn't care about her visitors. She doesn't care about anyone, except Loki in some weird, twisted way. She likes Tony and Pepper and Thor, too, but not these guests. She stopped caring about her fake family the moment they forced her into that mental hospital.
Even if she needed it. Even if it helped. It still felt like abandonment, or did at the time, anyway.
"Ellie."
The sound of approaching footsteps on the hard wood floors rouses Ellie from her shocked state, but she still doesn't move.
If she doesn't move, they'll try to touch her and that is simply not acceptable, so she gets up, scrambling towards the door. She leans against her escape route and looks at her fake family for the first time in eight years.
They look older but painfully the same. Maureen and Laura could be sisters if it weren't for the frown lines around the older woman's mouth and eyes. They are tall, nearly seven inches taller than Ellie. She looks at their shiny, straight dark hair and remembers how she dyed her own blond mop brown from ages 14 to 17. Ellie sees nothing of herself in these women who pretended to be her family and wonders how she could have ever pretended to belong with them in return.
Laura is thirty now and Ellie's eyes linger on the swell of her belly. She always was the perfect one, so Ellie should not be surprised to see that she has now succeeded personally. Doubtless, she also followed in their parents' footsteps and became a doctor too.
God, how she used to love Laura. What she would have given to be just like Laura.
Ellie feels rumpled in her borrowed jeans and white t-shirt. They stare at her and she feels small. Worse, she feels guilty. She struggles to hold onto the anger, but mostly she feels so guilty and so sad.
No one knows what to say. Given everything, what is there to say after eight years, but then Maureen is opening her mouth. Ellie interrupts, not ready to hear the voice of the woman who never did a very good job faking love for her fake daughter.
Except that's not really fair. She had a good childhood. Even if it was a lie, she believed it. She felt loved.
"So it's looking like I'm not entirely human," Ellie muses, pleased with the calm, careless tone. If she sounds like it doesn't matter than maybe it actually doesn't matter.
Maureen's face falls. She knew. Her fake mother knew and Eleanor's fury returns with such force she can't really see.
"But that's not news to you, is it, Maureen," Ellie continues.
"Ellie—"
"Just another lie right? It's what you do best."
The tears in Maureen's eyes give Ellie a little thrill of satisfaction. "I was just trying to protect you," she murmurs.
"I was recently kidnapped by a mentally unstable god. Good fucking job, Maureen."
"You're father and I—"
"Do not talk about him!" Ellie says, getting hysterical for the first time.
Maureen's gaze drops to the floor and the tears fall.
"You're going to be an aunt," Laura says. Ellie does not want to look at her fake big sister, but she can't help it. Those pleading brown eyes do something to Ellie's heart.
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are," says her fake sister, digging around in her purse. Laura approaches Ellie, who considers fleeing the scene but her legs don't appear to be capable of movement. "Look, here's the head. Those are the feet."
Ellie blinks down at the sonogram and it feels like her heart is going to beat right out of her chest.
Laura tracked Ellie down about six years ago, pleading with her to come home. Ellie screamed at her until she left. "When you're ready," said Laura. "I'll be here, still loving you, whenever you're ready."
Ellie is still far from ready.
"I was an idiot last time, Elle." That's a nickname she hasn't heard for years. "I thought you just needed time and space, but there is no way in hell I'm letting you get away again."
Ellie just gapes up at her fake sister.
"You look just the same," Laura murmurs, tucking a stray chunk of blond hair behind Ellie's ear. "Too skinny as usual, but still so beautiful. I am so sorry you've been alone."
Looking at Laura hurts and Ellie steps back, pushing into the door. Laura sighs heavily and drops her hand to her side. Ellie's fake big sister is still so elegant and perfect and fucking good.
Ellie feels as if she's drowning.
"Are you okay?" Laura asks.
Pepper and Tony are the only ones that ever ask that. Everyone else pulls at her, using her for their own means. Fury to learn more about non-human physiology, Thor to help his brother, and Loki to hold on to as much of his sanity as possible.
Ellie nods.
"No, you're not," Laura decides, frowning.
"If you already had your answer, why even bother asking the question?" Ellie snaps.
"Ah, there's my spunky little sister," Laura grins. Ellie is spunky. Laura is elegant and smart and beautiful and fucking perfect. That's how it has always been.
"I'm not your sister."
"Don't be stupid."
"You don't be stupid."
Laura smiles again, enjoying the familiar bickering. Ellie bites the side of her cheek again to keep from crying.
"Why are they here?" Ellie whispers, shooting another glare at Fury. It's Maureen that answers.
"You've been missing for over three and a half months, Eleanor," murmurs her fake mother. The woman who attempted to raise her wrings her hands and watches her with wide, worried eyes. "Laura is still your emergency contact."
"We thought you were dead," Laura says. Now she's crying too. "For three and a half months we thought you were dead."
"It's not like that fact would change your life at all," Ellie mutters.
"God, you're such an idiot!" snaps her fake big sister. "I've missed you everyday for eight years, and these last three months were horrible, Elle. Just horrible."
"Oh, so you're telling me you mourned?"' she says, heavy on the sarcasm.
Laura lets out a frustrated sob and then throws herself at Ellie. She doesn't return the embrace, but stays stiff as her fake big sister cries and squeezes her. A strange urge to melt against the woman she spent so many years idolizing over comes her. She wants to close her eyes and hug Laura back. The impulse is terrifying and Ellie slips away.
"So I'm not dead," she says, trying to sound strong. "Thanks for stopping by. See you in another eight years."
"Eleanor, please—"
"You don't even like me, Maureen," Ellie interrupts. "I killed your husband. You locked me away. We don't really do well with each other so let's just go our separate ways."
"God, Elle," Laura says with a huff. "It wasn't your fault. Dad would hate that you still blame yourself."
Much to Ellie's horror, a tear rolls down her cheek. She brushes it away, hoping no one notices.
"What do you know about me?" Ellie whispers, looking up to stare at her fake mother. "What am I?"
"I don't know," whispers Maureen. "You are my beautiful daughter. Isn't that enough?"
"Of course not, you incept whelp," Ellie says, channeling Loki for a moment. Maureen winces.
"Whelp?" echoes Laura.
"Your father knew your birth mother," Maureen says. "They were high school sweethearts, and she came to him when she got in trouble. Nina Fink. Her name was Nina Fink."
"I know all this," Ellie says. Hearing it again hurts.
"I thought Nina was crazy. The pregnancy was hard on her and she came to stay with us two months before you were due. She was on bed rest and she would spend hours talking about Norse Mythology. I felt bad for her so I listened."
This part is new. Ellie tenses and stares at the ground, but listens avidly.
"To Nina it wasn't mythology. The stories were real. Her absolute favorite was Bragi, God of Poetry, except she insisted that he was actually the God of Music, but all the myths say different," Maureen continues, speaking as if this is the hardest thing she's ever done.
Ellie's knees rattle together and she leans against a wall for support. "I know those stories. Da… Harrison used to tell me them at bedtime," she murmurs.
"Yeah, I really hated that. The stories were a reminder that he once loved someone else and she gave him a child before I could. I hated her a little bit, too. Here I was, newly married, living with my new husband and his ex-girlfriend," Maureen confesses. The honesty shocks Ellie. "And then Nina died in childbirth and we came home with you. You were so perfect and I had no idea what I was doing, but you would look up at me with those big blue eyes and I loved you in a way I didn't even know was possible."
Ellie is really crying now, as much as she hates it.
"Wait… Newlyweds? You didn't know what you were doing? What about Laura? She was already four when you brought me home. Was she such a perfect infant that when I cried you really didn't know what you were doing?" Ellie asks, eyes narrowing at suspicion.
Maureen and Laura share a look. Laura nods encouragingly. Maureen opens her mouth but nothing comes out.
"Tell me," Ellie pleads.
"You were my first child, Eleanor," Maureen murmurs. "I know it seems impossible, but Laura was born a year and a half after we brought you home from the hospital."
Ellie's knees give out. She sinks into a chair.
"You age differently, Eleanor," says her fake mother. "You've been on this planet for thirty two years, but your body is not thirty two. Not a human thirty two. Looking at you now, you still look about eighteen, maybe younger. You haven't aged a day."
Once again her breathing accelerates. She fists her hands in her hair and squeezes her eyes shut for a moment.
"How could you not tell me?" she whispers through her ragged breathing, "You just left me alone to figure it out by myself?"
"We were going to tell you, but you took the news of the adoption so poorly, we didn't want to make it worse."
"Oh, so your lies are my fault!"
"We were trying to protect you!" screams Maureen, really losing her cool now. "Do you know what happens to people like you? They would have taken you away, Ellie! They would have taken you away, studied you endlessly! We were protecting you, but somehow you ended up here anyway. I won't let this SHIELD lock you up."
Fury makes a sound. He is totally ignored.
Taking deep breaths Ellie stands on shaky legs. "Fuck you, Maureen," she says. "And fuck you, too, Fury."
She slams out the office, ignoring the protest of her fake sister and rushing to the elevators.
"Let me in," Ellie insists.
The guards who stand on either side of the door to his cell exchange a look. Usually, they don' let her in without Thor loitering by the monitors, watching to see if Ellie needs to be pulled out.
"Let me in!" she repeats, trying to keep her hysteria out of her voice.
"Sorry, Miss Tate. But you're gonna need to track down Thor. He's really agitated today and we wouldn't want him to hurt you. No one goes in but you and Thor. We're not allowed in under any circumstances and couldn't pull you out if things got bad," explains the guard on the right.
Ellie can't really even understand their words. A buzzing is in her head and she is desperate to get inside, but somehow she manages to calm herself.
"Thor is on his way," Ellie says, sounding shockingly commanding. "It is on his request that I am here. Do you really want to anger the God of Thunder?"
They exchange another look at let her in.
Loki is pacing around along the back wall of his rectangular cell when the door slides open. He spares her a glance and continues pacing, reminding Ellie of a caged big cat. His stride is powerful and frustrated, and Ellie can tell just from his movements that he is having a lucid day. She breathes a sigh of relief because she is not capable of dealing with scared, hurting, lost Loki in this moment.
"Just where have you been?" he hisses. "Off gallivanting with the unendurable Man of Iron? I do not approve of your friendship with this egotistical mortal. His intentions are far from pure."
Ellie blinks at him, not much room in her head for his jealousy.
"His girlfriend made me a really big breakfast," she whispers.
"Even so. You are to avoid him. Unfortunately I have no means of enforcing this decree in my current imprisoned state. And my magic is still inaccessible. Why is my magic inaccessible?"
He glares down at his palms, as confused as he is frustrated.
"Decree," she repeats, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling at him.
"Do not stare at me in such a manner, Eleanor. Things never work out for you when you fail to do as I say," he snaps, continuing to pace.
Ellie rolls her eyes. "And if you listened to me, you wouldn't be here right now."
"Eleanor—"
"You were right," she says. "How did you know?"
At her question, Loki finally stops pacing and turns to look at her.
"Words I never thought you would utter," he mutters. "Although, usually I am right. To what do you refer?"
She opens her mouth but doesn't know how to actually say the words.
"What is wrong?" he says, rushing to stand in front of her, crowding into her personal space. "Eleanor, what happened? Did someone harm you? Was it Director Fury? Tony Stark? I will slay him where he stands."
Ellie shakes her head and tries to explain, but the words get stuck in her throat. Sobs come out instead and she lets her forehead fall against his chest. His hands come up to cradle her head and she gets his tunic all wet with her tears.
"Eleanor!" Loki says, the alarm apparent in his voice. He attempts to pull away and stare at her face, but she wraps her arms around his waist, squeezing for dear life. "You are frightening me, Eleanor."
"Just let me cry, okay!" she manages.
He stops trying to get any answers and walks her over to the bench. She crawls into his lap when he sits, pushing her nose into his neck. He rocks her slightly, stroking her hair.
It's awkward.
This is odd behavior for Loki. He is not one to offer comfort and it is apparent in his stiff movements. Ellie is shocked that he isn't taking the opportunity to mock her pain and leer at her tears. Maybe he feels as if he owes her for all the comfort she's provided when she pulls him back from the Void. Maybe he just enjoys touching her.
She loses track of the time, but eventually her sobs turn to hiccups as she calms.
"Eleanor," he whispers, pleading for an explanation now. "What happened? You have me exceedingly concerned."
It's a little surreal. He is exceedingly concerned.
"I'm okay," she murmurs. "I'm okay."
"Eleanor, you were not this hysterical when I brought you to the bunker and demonstrated my power. After all I have told you while out of my mind, surely you can find the words to explain this, despite your abhorrence of speech," he says.
"I'm glad you're having a good day."
He rolls his eyes. "I am a prisoner who frequently experiences great lapses of sanity. I fail at everything I attempt. You are exceptionally distressed and have ruined the only piece of clothing in my possession, while I have no magic to rectify the situation. Your idea of a good day differs greatly from mine."
She smiles into his neck and he shivers as her lips move against his skin.
"You're worried about me," she says, still smiling despite everything that she just went through, everything she just found out.
He huffs but does nothing to dispute her claim. "Eleanor, what happened?"
Steeling her nerves, she climbs out off his lap. She sits next to him, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging her shins. He turns his body to look at her but she stares at the floor.
"I'm adopted," she whispers.
"Yes, I am aware," Loki replies after a beat of silence. "You mentioned this fact at a most inopportune moment, if I recall."
Ellie gets quiet again and Loki reaches out to play with a stray lock of hair. She sighs and hates herself for reveling in the contact, for her draw to this dark god she has far too much in common with.
"I really wish we weren't on camera right now," she says, glaring pitifully at the recording device in the corner.
Loki lowers his lips to her ear and a shiver goes up her spine. "My dear, sweet songbird, daily I wish we were not on camera. Normally I would care little if someone saw me make you scream my name, but the one watching was once my brother and that will not do."
Ellie rolls her eyes and pulls away. Loki sighs.
"You were adopted," he continues.
"Yes. I found out when I was seventeen."
"Seventeen is not so long," he scoffs.
"It felt long."
"Oh, of that I have little doubt."
"Except I wasn't actually seventeen. I have no idea how old I was," she whispers, talking to herself. "I thought I was seventeen like I thought I was twenty-six now, but that was nine years ago and thirty two minus nine is twenty three. So I guess I found out when I was twenty three but I thought I was seventeen."
Loki stares at her as if she's lost her mind.
"You know," he says, mimicking Ellie's voice. The impression in uncanny. "Ninety percent of the time I have no idea what you are talking about."
She instantly recognizes the words she spoke on the night he kidnapped her and lets out a little giggle that quickly turns into a sob. Loki dries her cheeks with his fingertips, bringing the tears to his lips.
"My fake mother is here," she tells him. "And my fake big sister, too. They knew, about me not being completely human. Maureen, my fake mom, she's a doctor so I guess I get how she pulled it off when I was a baby, but I'm actually older that my fake big sister. Well, not older exactly. She's thirty now and Maureen says I still look about eighteen, as if I haven't aged a day since the last time I saw her eight years ago."
"Ah, you have your origin story now," he says, squinting as if he is struggling to remember "I knew Bragi once. A distant relation."
Eleanor stares at him blankly.
"You're related to my father."
"A distant relation."
"You're related to my father." She is getting hysterical once more.
"No," he says, his tone clearly indicating that he thinks she is an idiot. "He is a distant relation to the Queen."
Loki gets off the bench to take up his typical pacing.
"The queen?" Eleanor asks. "As in your mother?"
Loki rolls his eyes and clasps his hands behind his back.
"False mother," he corrects. "There is no relation between us. Have you forgotten that I too was raised by strangers? And while we are discussing disturbing aspects of our relationship, there is the age difference. That is the real taboo here."
"We don't have a relationship," she mutters, amazed at how the conversation is getting away from her.
"What would you call it?"
"A mess."
Loki grins ruefully. "Regardless, I have made love to an infant."
"Made love?" she asks, gaping at him. "Infant?"
"You have not yet reached your fiftieth name day."
"That's stupid," she replies. "I'm still a grown up, even if I don't have a couple thousand years of experience."
He sighs and sits next to her, pushing his hands through his hair.
"Bragi," Loki mutters in a sort of daze. "God of Music."
"According to myth it was the God of Poetry, " she says, echoing Maureen's earlier explanation.
"Well, that too I suppose, although these myths of yours are far from accurate."
"I think my birth mom was a mortal though. Nina."
"No self respecting Aesir would name her child something as ridiculous as Nina."
"You are so good today," she whispers, giving him a teary smile.
"And you are exceptionally chatty."
Again, Ellie laughs. Again, her chuckles turn to sobs. Loki puts a tentative hand on her shoulder and Ellie turns to him, seeking comfort in his arms.
"Will you tell me about this Bragi person now, please?" she asks once she's managed to compose herself once more.
"Bragi God of Song, he was a distant relation," Loki murmurs, staring intently at the floor. "No, I have no relations, distant or otherwise. He is a distant relation to the queen, the son of her cousin's son, I believe. Please do not be alarmed. We are not even the same species. There is no relation."
"Right. Not even the same species," she says.
"You know," he says, turning to her suddenly. "You know what I am. How do you know?"
They are already done discussing the God of Music, it would seem.
"Thor told me," she confesses.
"Told you what, exactly?" he snaps.
"Everything," she replies. "Thor told me about his exile and your brief rule. He told me you tried to kill him and your friends in New Mexico. About your attempt at genocide and the bridge."
She voice breaks a little as she thinks about it.
"And did my false brother tell you that two days prior he dragged us all to Jotunheim, determined to slaughter them all?" Loki spits out, bitter and defensive. "Somewhat hypocritical, don't you agree?"
He wrings his hands, getting up to pace once more, and this conversation really, really got away from her.
"Yes, he told me that too."
"And he told you how he pushed me into nothingness? How he condemned me to lifetimes alone, my body rotting in darkness? My mind decaying? Only to be found by the other, subject to the tender mercies of him? Did he tell you this, Eleanor?"
Struggling against her tears, she gets off the bench and slowly approaches him. She reaches out to her panicking god. He watches, and does not flinch when she presses her palm into his chest.
"Loki," she murmurs, standing on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck.
When he calms enough to participate in the embrace, he lifts her off her feet, pressing their chests tightly together. He matches her labored breathing to hers and she feels the panic drain out of him.
"Did he really push you, Loki?" she murmurs when he sets her down again.
"I…" He closes his eyes, pressing his palms into his temples. "Given the opportunity, I would not hesitate to push him."
"That's not an answer, Loki."
He shakes his head again and when he looks her at her, his eyes are cold and angry, but blessedly, brilliantly green.
"And the Crowned Prince told you what I am? He told you that in truth I am and forever will be, a monster?" He spits out the words, hissing and glaring and reminding her more of a snake than a monster.
"He didn't say monster," she replies. "Yosomething. He says you are a Yosomething from Yosomewhere."
"A Yosomething from Yosomewhere," he repeats, face blank and body unmoving.
"A giant snowman?" she ventures, not really trying that hard to remember the particulars. She's got quite a bit on her mind.
His answering laugh is sharp and without humor.
"I could freeze you heart in your chest," he says simply.
"And you could choke me to death or turn me into a ladybug. Are you going to do any of those things?"
"No."
"Okay then. So let's not throw around the word monster."
"When did he tell you?" he demands.
She pauses, thinking back. The last three weeks have passed in a haze of painful revelations and sleepless nights.
"A day or two after the battle," she says, shrugging. "I don't know. Before I came to see you for the first time."
"Knowing the truth about me you still willingly lock yourself away here? With me?" He is gaping at her, sinking down onto the metal bench at her side as if his legs no longer support him.
"Dude, I really don't fucking care if you are frosty the frozen snow god," she says, frustrated.
"Language!"
"You are either from one planet I don't know anything about or another planet I don't know anything about." And now she is up and pacing. "It doesn't matter where you're from, only what you do. Now can we please talk about my freaking father who you just so happen to know?"
"It does not matter?" He is in a daze, ogling her from her seat on the bench, mouth hanging open. Eleanor braids her hair in frustration. She leans against the metal wall opposite his metal bench, before sliding down to sit on the concrete floor.
As he silently gapes at her, Ellie tries to figure out why she is even here, what she wants from him in this moment.
She has friends now. Sort of. There are good guys milling around on the floors above, Tony and Thor and Pepper, good people who Ellie trusts. They know about her past and Eleanor is getting better at talking to them, but the moment she finally learned the truth about her parentage, she didn't think of them. She did not think at all as she rushed to see Loki, the only creature in the universe capable of understanding this trauma.
She's a different species too, turns out.
It was too much to ask, she realizes. She came here for comfort and commiseration, but it was too much to ask. He is already too burdened with his own glorious demons to take hers on as well.
"You knew his name," she says, coming to a startling revelation.
"Pardon?"
"My bio dad," she says. "You called him Bragi, but I never you told you his name."
"Thor must have mentioned—"
"No," she says, dismissing his rather pathetic lie. "Thor doesn't know this."
Except he is most likely sitting in the viewing room, hearing every word so he certainly knows now.
"He didn't know this," she corrects. "Maureen just told me, but you already knew. How did you already know?"
He shrugs and looks away.
"Please," she says, her voice breaking. She is so very tired of the secrets. Others know so much more about her than she knows about herself, and it's fucking unfair. "Please, just tell me. This is my life, Loki."
"Eleanor—"
"Tell me." Without shame she begs him and Loki's expression shifts into something so open and vulnerable. She doesn't understand.
"You weep," he whispers. The terror in his tone shocks her and she wants to rush across the room to comfort him, but she can't find her legs. "Stop immediately."
Ellie wipes her nose on the back of her hand.
"I can't," she whispers.
"You must."
It is a struggle, but she makes it to her feet, her tears continuing.
"What are you doing?" he asks, cowering slightly as if she is about to physically attack him.
"I'll leave," she says. "I can't stop crying, so I'll go."
She almost makes it to the door.
"No."
Eleanor turns, raising an eyebrow.
"Do not leave. Come here, Eleanor."
She slides onto his bench with extreme wariness.
"I saw your parents," Loki murmurs, studying his hand in his lap. "Saw your true parents."
"Saw them?" She sits sideways, her head and shoulder resting against the wall, knees pulled to her chest. "Like you saw me as a queen? Like you saw my encounter with the Hulk?"
Like you saw me in The Void. But she doesn't mention this, doesn't want to trigger a panic attack.
"You listen well," he says, smiling ruefully. "You hear too much, it would seem."
"What did you see, Loki? How did you see it?"
"The Tesseract," he admits. "It showed me Bragi casting spells of protection on a sleeping, pregnant mortal who possessed features similar to your own."
"Protection?" She manages to squeak out the word even as her throat feels like it is collapsing in on itself.
"He was powerful," Loki murmurs. "I recall that at least from my youth, and his magic explains why I am unable to skim your thoughts, why the Tesseract could not touch you. I am willing to wager Heimdall has never so much as gazed upon you. He lost track of Bragi decades ago. Who knows if he is still even alive."
Eleanor is no where near ready to deal with that yet.
"Heimdall?" It seems shock is limiting her speaking abilities to one word questions.
"The all seeing gatekeeper." That answer leads to a thousand more questions, but Eleanor is too overwhelmed to voice them now.
"Protection?" she asks.
"Yes."
"He protected me?"
"So it would seem."
Her silent weeping abruptly turns into hysterical sobbing.
"Eleanor!" He is obviously distressed and she tries to stand, but doesn't quite make it.
"I-I'm so-sorry. I'll g-g-go." A hand on her wrist stills her escape.
"Do you wish to leave?" he asks. Through her wet eyes his face is blurry. She shakes her head. "What do you require in this moment?"
The sobs make speech impossible, but she mimes a hug. It is a poor job, but Loki's arms come around her a moment later. His embrace is tentative and unsure, but his arms are around her. She crawls into his lap, tucking her face into his chest.
The sobbing continues. Her body is shaking but he relaxes against her, his hold firm and solid, soothing her even if it shouldn't be.
"Why did you come here like this?" he murmurs as she clings to him.
"You know."
"Honestly, I have no earthly idea."
Ellie doesn't respond and he holds her a little tighter.
"I know not what to do," he confesses, sounding as miserable as she feels.
"About what?"
"I know not how to provide you with what you require."
"You're doing it, Loki," she whispers. "You're doing it."
"You saw your false family and it upset you greatly."
"Yeah, pretty much."
"Shall I kill them the moment I find my magic?"
"No."
"If you insist."
She sighs heavily. "I insist."
Wow, the last chapter sure was a favorite! i was so nervous about posting it, so your positive response was very appreciated! (even if I made you cry. Sorry about that, Brittany the anon. Sammi the other anon, thank you so much for the kind words).
Thanks ever so much for reading!