Chapter 16: Back

There is no crying or chocolate consumption, only sad music and excessive, restless, terrible napping.

On some level, she understands his actions as those of a desperately scared celestial being, seeking a little self-preservation.

How many times has she done what he did? Been a total bitch to those seeking to know her, to drive them away before things got too deep.

It's too little too fucking late, in the case of Loki and Eleanor.

Still, understanding does not make her insides hurt any less. Understanding does not make eating any more appealing or real sleep any more possible. Understanding does not prevent her from wallowing.

There is a good chunk of his hasty little speech that she can easily disregard as obvious crap. All that detail about killing her, while disturbing, was just such bullshit she is almost embarrassed for him.

The rest… well, that effectively tore up her insides because Loki may be the one with the delusions and the panic attacks, but Eleanor is a mess too. Despite his millennia of living, she's actually been a mess longer.

A decade of struggling to survive, of learning to live with the knowledge that she is unloved, unwanted, not anything. He pointed out her unworthy so easy, as if he's known her to be a nothing and a nobody from the beginning but just hadn't thought to mention it until now.

There were moments when he could have been talking about himself, rather than Eleanor. She can very nearly logic away this part because Ellie is wanted.

She is wanted. Nina wanted her before she died. Bragi protected her with his crazy magic. Maureen and Harrison chose her, loved her. Laura certainly continues to want a relationship with Ellie.

And Loki wants her too, that's why he was so awful. He wants her and needs her and it's terrifying.

Although he may want her, Loki hates her in equal measure because she fails to live up to some twisted vision he had when his eyes were still polluted with toxic blue.

This part she can't think her way out of. This part has her consuming an entire bottle of whiskey and keeps her from falling asleep despite her warm buzz.

He's babbled about his visions on many occasions, but Eleanor still doesn't understand what he's seen. The past for sure, but certainly not the future. She'll never see him again and he hates her for failing to be a fantasy, so no, there will be no future where she smiles at him the way he wants.

Eleanor watches the sunrise over New York City from bed, face peaking out from the blankets after a night of drunken dozing and no real rest.

Only a few months ago Ellie could easily wallow in peace for weeks, leaving her shit apartment only for wine and whiskey and some sort of pill if things were really bad.

There are people around her now that weaseled in passed her defenses when she wasn't paying attention and there is Laura now, calling her sister, so wallowing is not an option.

Even if she could pull off another day alone, Loki goes back to Asgard in less than twenty-four hours, so she sits up, ignoring the way the alcohol swirls in her head. She spent her night agonizing over this, but she'll probably never see him again and she feels this bizarre need to have her say.

Her feet find the floor and she dresses methodically, preparing to finally say goodbye to the God of Lies.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Tony Stark asks from somewhere behind her. Ellie continues to just stare at the metal door. The two guards that flank it try not to gape at the small woman falling apart in front of them. They fail, but Eleanor appreciates the effort nonetheless.

"No," mutters Ellie as she braids her hair. "But it's now or never."

He leaves tomorrow. She has no idea what to say, but this feels important.

"You do remember that he nearly killed you two days ago," Tony says, obviously questioning her sanity.

This is an extreme assessment of the situation. In the chaos only Ellie noticed that Loki didn't touch her, not after shoving her against the wall, ranting about how much he hates her for leaving him and not smiling right.

He wouldn't have killed her, but his words certainly hurt enough to seem like he could.

"No, asshole. I forgot," she replies. Tony sighs heavily but finally shuts up. Ellie stares at the door for another few minutes. The guards share a significant look. "I have to do this," she whispers. "It feels important."

Again, Tony sighs. "Fine. Go in. I'll just stay right here and wait for you to scream for help."

Ellie winces, remembering the other night. She didn't scream then, although she should have.

He is a mess.

"Let me in," Ellie says to the guard. They seem a little alarmed by her rapid decision-making, but do as she says.

The metal door slides open and Ellie enters his prison with extreme caution. Her eyes adjust to the dim light as they lock her in. It takes her no time at all to find him tucked into his favorite corner, perched near the mattress. His position is so familiar, it could be like any other time she's visited in the last month and a half, but after the other morning they've kept him restrained.

A metal muzzle follows the line of his jaw, obscuring his mouth from view. His hands are manacled in a pair of wide cuffs that are connected to a long chain that's bolted to the floor.

He sits as still as a statue, completely lifeless, save for his emerald eyes. She's only able to hold his gaze for a moment before it becomes far too much and she turns away, moving to the bench. She sits facing away from him with her legs tucked up to her chin.

It doesn't really help. His gaze burns her back and she can't manage to find the words for long, painful moments.

"I prefer not to speak at all, remember?" she manages, her voice breaking. "So when I do choose to talk it's important. You have to listen, Loki."

She doesn't expect anything in response given the muzzle, but she listens for the rattle of chains or the shuffle of fabric moving against his long legs as he moves, but there is nothing.

"I killed my father," she says, having no idea where this is coming from. But again, it feels important so she decides to continue. "Thor said you killed your birth father, but for me it was my fake dad. It wasn't on purpose but it was my fault."

Her chest is tight as she thinks back to those months between when she found out that her family was a lie and the death of her fake father. It's a bit of a blur, given all the substances she was pumping into her body at the time. The drugs and alcohol and sex did little to calm the rage boiling her veins and blackening her heart.

"I found out I was adopted when I was seventeen," she says, even though this is not new information. "I'd just gotten into music school and it was halfway through my senior year. We did this blood type thing in science class and mine just… didn't work. My fake parents were both doctors so I asked them about it and all these secrets just sort of came out. Well, not all the secrets. Just the adoption bit."

She resists a compulsion to turn around, to see if he's even listening. This was far from her intention as she stared at the metal door between the guards, but now that's she's here she can't seem to stop.

"Afterwards, it didn't feel like anything was mine anymore," she whispers into the cold, quiet room. "If my family wasn't really mine, than the rest of it wasn't either. All of a sudden my home wasn't mine, my friends, my life. Nothing belonged to me and I didn't belong to anything."

It's been years since she's spoken this much all at once. Her throat feels like sand paper and the pain seems to penetrate every part of her tired body, but the words feel cathartic. Like she's been waiting eight years to get this off her chest.

"They lied to me and I got angry. My whole life I felt like such an outcast and all along they knew why and it make me so goddamn angry," she continues, wiping at her damp cheeks.

The anger has cold not so that Ellie sees her actions as childish, but the hurt is still there.

"I was a mess. I started partying a lot, didn't go to class, lost my scholarship to Berklee."

The room is too quiet. Impossibly quiet. He has to be listening in this impossibly quiet room, but her saying it seems just as important as him hearing it.

"I got in trouble with this guy," she murmurs because this is the very, very worst part. The part that she doesn't even let herself think about. "I thought I didn't give a shit about anything and I let myself get into this horrible situation. It was really bad and I was high and drunk and unbelievably scared. So I called my fake father. I was always such a daddy's girl before…"

She realizes that Loki probably has no idea what she's going on about.

"It was a fucking blizzard, but he came and picked me up. When I found out I'd gotten really quiet so I hadn't really talked to him much in months. He pulled me out of this fucked up situation and he wasn't even mad! He was just so sad and disappointed."

She sits in silence for a full five minutes, staring at the stainless steel wall.

"He was being too… I don't know, too something. Too much like a real dad and I snapped. I lost it and screamed at him. I screamed terrible, horrible things at him. I told him I hated him and I couldn't stop and he just took it but the roads were so icy. There was another car. A drunk driver."

Hiding her face against her knees, Ellie dries her tears on her jeans.

"And then he died," she whispers. "It was my fault. He would never have been out that late if I wasn't such a fuck up. I was directly responsible for his death. He loved my voice and I screamed at him and he died and I didn't. My voice was no longer mine. This beautiful blessing was not a gift I received from my father, but a tool given to me by some stranger that ultimately brought about my dad's death."

She's not making sense. She's rambling, but the words keep coming. Now all her actions seem so stupid, but this is how it felt at the time.

"So I stopped using it," she continues. "My voice. I stopped using it. I refused to speak or sing or even whisper to myself when I was alone. I didn't see anyone. I didn't listen to music. And worst of all, the remainder of my fake family blamed me. They never said it like that, but I could see it in their eyes and that made the guilt so much worse."

After eight years it's not supposed to hurt anymore, but it does.

"I... I was done." Ellie lifts her head to study her wrists but the scars don't even remain. She probably would have succeeded too, if it wasn't for the whole half god thing. "So I sliced my wrists open in a bathtub. I wanted to die in that car next to my dad, but I figured I could settle for the bathtub."

The chains rattle. Ellie sits up a little straighter, crossing her legs.

"It didn't take," she mutters, somewhat unnecessarily. "Laura found me. I do feel a little bad about that, but my fake big sister found me. I spent three days in the hospital and then Maureen had me committed. You probably don't know what that means. It's like a weird combo of a hospital and a jail. I guess it worked. They gave me drugs and the depression wasn't so crippling and I didn't want to kill myself anymore, but I hated Maureen for sending me away. Really, I just wanted her to prove that she did love me. That she didn't blame me like I blamed myself, but instead she sent me away and it felt like a final betrayal."

She traces her wrist with a fingertip and thinks about Loki letting go of Thor on some glowing bridge to other worlds, choosing instead to drift into nothingness.

"Eventually, I was sorta better and they brought me back to my fake home, but I still refused to really speak to them," she says with a rueful smile. "Of course that couldn't last forever, but not long after I started talking again I left home and all those things that were no longer mine. I turned eighteen, packed a duffle, grabbed my guitar, and just left. I cut myself off from all the things that made me me, and there was nothing. I felt like nothing. All the very worst parts of my personality became more pronounced. I drank more, smoked more, did all sorts of drugs. I fucked everyone."

The loud thump from Loki makes her jump but she pushes forward. She imagines that he punched the concrete floor.

"I was singing at least. It kept me sane, but I still didn't feel like a person. I joined a couple bands and I stayed busy. It made me feel more like a version of who I once was. It's like you and your magic. I'm extraordinary when I sing."

She smiles to herself but still doesn't look at him. On this one point she knows Loki agrees with her whole heartedly, even if he was a total dick about her voice last time she was here.

"Being around you, seeing what all this pain and hate has done to you, it's made me want to get better. I'm going to try with Laura. Maybe someday I'll try with Maureen, too. If I'm really brave. I'm going to go to New Mexico with Jane Foster and get my life together."

A little flicker of hope blooms in her chest, but she can't summon the courage to look at Loki.

"I know why you did it," she whispers, not sure what event she's referring to specifically. Maybe she means his fall. Maybe she means his insane attempt to punish his fake family by taking over Earth. Maybe she's talking about the other morning when his rage spilled over onto her. "And I forgive you."

The silence feels so thick, she's scared to move but eventually she stands. There is nothing else to say. All the speaking has left her exhausted. She wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and not use her voice again for a week.

Rising on shaky legs, she takes one step towards the door and feels him watching, pleading. This will inevitably be the last time she's with him, but she really tries not to turn around.

Of course she does. Was there ever really any doubt?

She stares at her feet as she turns. It takes her at least a minute to look up at him. Those eyes of his, the way he stares right through her, it makes her shake.

"You hurt me the other day because you're scared," she manages, scowling down at him. "We're probably never going to see each other again and you'll miss me and that scares you. You need me. Everything you screamed at me last night might be how you want to feel, but really it's just the opposite. You need me and it's easier to be hateful and cruel than admit that one, simple fact."

She wipes at her cheeks again, frustrated by her own tears. Loki gets to his knees, straining against the cuffs that have him bolted to the floor.

Ellie's hands fist at hers sides as she desperately attempts to stay rooted to the spot. But those green eyes are pleading with her and after tomorrow she'll never see him again.

With a groan of pure self-loathing, Ellie moves across the room to his favorite corner. Straining against his restraints, Loki tries to get closer. She tortures him for a moment, staying just out of reach. His eyes narrow as she frowns down at him.

After a long moment she finally reaches out, pushing his messy hair off his forehead. Despite the muzzle, Ellie can hear the sigh reverberate through Loki's chest. He leans into her touch as she tucks his hair behind his ear.

"It's okay," she murmurs. "I've done it a million times. It's easier to push someone away. And for us… well, we're never going to see each other again so hate me if you want. Whatever makes this easier for you."

He seems to apologize with his expression, but Ellie decides this is just wishful thinking on her part.

"Loki," she says, getting closer. "Just…" She sighs, not sure what she wants to say in their final moments together. Her attachment to him is so unhealthy and she tries to be happy that it will be a non-issue in the very near future, but her heart is bursting from her chest and there is nothing left to say. "Okay. Well, bye."

She kisses his temple and flees, not able to look at him again.

It's back to the wallowing.

The knock on her door is highly unwelcome. She's only been granted a few hours of peace since her painful and one-sided conversation with Loki.

She really hopes whoever is daring to interrupt her wallowing is not Iron Man or Captain America. On her way out of the basement cell, Tony tried to hug her, and then Steve, but she ducked both their arms and ran for the elevator, intent on locking herself away in her room.

They obviously know her whole sob story now, ease dropping bastards. Thor too. She saw his ridiculous blond head sticking out of the viewing room.

She thought her great escape made it clear that she wanted to be left alone, so she ignores the first knock. Pushing her head under a pillow, she closes her eyes and pretends to sleep, trying desperately to get to a state of unconsciousness.

The second knock is more insistent and the third is a downright demand.

Ellie crawls out of bed, pushing her messy hair off her forehead as she opens the door.

The redheaded assassin is just about the last person Ellie expected to see. Natasha Romanoff stands in the doorway wearing civilian clothes with her arms crossed over her chest.

Ellie just raises an eyebrow.

"Director Fury would like to see you," Natasha says.

Ellie just continues to stare blankly until the agent lets out a sigh.

"Your mother is here," she confesses. Ellie moves to slam the door in Natasha's face, but the assassin is quicker. She holds it open with ease against Ellie's meager strength.

"No," Ellie says. "No way."

"Eleanor, let's just skip to the end after I badger you into going to the meeting. I am going to persuade you eventually. Just come with me now and we'll save us both the time and energy," Natasha says.

Ellie certainly is low on energy so she steps into the hallway, begrudgingly following the super spy to Fury's office.

She takes a seat next to Maureen, not looking at the woman who has lied to her for the entirety of her life.

"You have concerns allowing SHIELD to study your genetic make up," says Fury without preamble.

"Yeah," snaps Ellie. "It doesn't seem like a particularly good idea given we're talking about the organization that tried to nuke Manhattan. Excuse me if I'm not in a rush to just hand myself over."

Fury winces. "We have taken steps to ensure—"

"I'm not interested," Ellie says.

"Miss Tate—"

"I'm serious. It's not a good idea. And really, I don't want to know," she insists.

"I can help, Ellie," murmurs Maureen. It's a struggle for Ellie to keep from looking at her fake mother.

Maureen went back to school when Ellie was still a baby to get her doctorate in genetics. That decision makes much more since in light of Eleanor's unclear heritage.

"I'd be in charge of the project," Maureen says. "You would have complete control of any decisions regarding the testing and I would have the authority to make sure that happens."

Now Ellie glances at her fake mother.

"And would you have complete control of the information you gather?" asks Ellie.

Maureen and Fury share a look.

"I didn't think so," Ellie says, standing. "Thanks, but no thanks, Fury. I'll pass. Tony Stark actually offered me a job so I think I'll go to New Mexico with him. You want to walk me out, Maureen?"

Everyone remains frozen for a few seconds, shocked by all the words that just poured out of Ellie's mouth. Maureen scrambles to her feet, following Ellie out the door.

They move in silence to the elevator, through the lobby, and out the main entrance. Ellie has no idea where the woman is staying. She has no idea where the woman even lives these days.

Somehow the thought of strangers living in the place where she spent her childhood makes her sad.

Ellie turns right at random and they walk a few blocks before she speaks, dodging around clean up crews and lingering rubble.

"Have you ever studied me before?" Ellie asks as Maureen falls into step beside her.

"No."

"But you are a geneticist and—"

"No, I haven't," says Maureen. "I thought I might need to someday. I thought you might want me too, but no, I never so much as took a blood sample."

Ellie sinks down onto a bench that miraculously survived the invasion attempt. Maureen joins her, regarding her warily.

"Why not? Were you that desperate for me to be like every other kid? Did you want me to be like Laura that badly? Like if you ignored it I would just magically become what you wanted me to be?" she asks, hating the tears she hears in her own voice.

"No," Maureen says, actually crying. Full-blown tears. "God, Eleanor, no. You aged so slowly, almost erratically, I knew you'd never be like everyone else, but that was okay because you were mine."

Ellie stares at the cracks in the pavement.

"I just wanted you to have the best possible life," whispers Maureen. "You are my daughter, not a science experiment. I've never even taken so much as a sample of blood and I never would unless you wanted me too. Unless you want to know more."

"I… I don't think I really do need to know, not about the science anyway. I don't know about the science of humans so how would knowing about the science of aliens change that?" Ellie murmurs. "Maybe someday it will be important, but for now I just really don't see the point."

"Okay, Ellie," murmurs Maureen. "Whatever you want. Whatever will make this easier."

Those are the words Eleanor just said to Loki.

They sit in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm so tired, Mom," Ellie says, finally letting herself cry.

When Maureen tentatively reaches out for a hand, Ellie doesn't pull away. They sit like that for a long time.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this," mutters Pepper as she parks the sleek Audi behind an unmarked SHIELD sedan. "Tony is going to kill me."

Ellie rolls her eyes as she pushes open the door and steps out of the car.

"He's not my father, Potts," she mutters, struggling to keep up with the long stride with the leggy strawberry blonde.

"Although he certainly does act like it sometimes," says Pepper, beaming. "Or maybe your big brother. It's absolutely adorable."

Ellie just rolls her eyes again.

"I thought you already said goodbye," says Pepper.

"I didn't do a very good job."

And she didn't. After more wallowing she decided what to say.

They walk a few more steps. "He's going to be really pissed. Fury and rest, too."

"They really don't want you here."

"It's offensive, Pepper. I am capable of making my own decisions and even if they are shitty decisions, at least they're mine," Ellie snaps. Since the incident with Loki, everyone has been treating her as if she's made of glass.

If she had more energy she'd be really pissed that Thor, Tony, and Steve all thought it would be a good idea to crowd into the viewing room to listen to her little tale.

"I am aware," Pepper replies. "Why do you think I let you convince me to drag you here?"

They get to the perimeter set up by SHIELD. The agents there put resist for a moment but Ellie and Pepper both flash the badges that give them access to Stark Tower and they are allowed to pass.

Jane Foster determined that this location would be the most conducive to this sort of freaky intergalactic travel and it took SHIELD very little time at all to clear such a popular part of Central Park.

Said astrophysicist is currently hugging the shit out of Thor. Although she seems to be garnering all the attention of the god, his hand in tightly curled around a chain connected to the manacle that imprisons Loki. The rest of the Avengers form a loose circle around the trio, watching the God of Mischief with narrowed, angry eyes.

Ellie comes to a stop abruptly at the edge of the courtyard. She feels Pepper freeze at her side, feels Pepper staring at her, probably rethinking her decision to bring Ellie to this departure at all.

Loki is back in his layers of green and black leather and metal. The lower part of his face remains obscured by the metal muzzle. The scratches from his own nails and the bruises from the hulk haven't quite healed, despite all the time that's passed. His chin is pointed down, his expression unfathomable.

But then his whole frame seems to tense. She knows even before he angles his body in her direction that Loki senses her. He knows that she's here.

Ellie holds her breath as his head tilts slightly, eyes flickering up to hers. He looks right at her, his gaze hard and unyielding. She stares back, unable to do anything else really. The way his gaze bores into hers should be somewhat terrifying, but all Ellie sees is how hard he is trying to hold on to the super villain persona, the one he's never quite managed to pull off when it comes to Eleanor.

After just a few more seconds he loses that hard edge. Something so desperate and raw filters into his emerald eyes. It breaks Ellie's heart because he has no chance. None at all. He isn't equipped to acknowledge his demons, let alone fight them.

Peppers yells her name as Ellie takes off, running towards the compelling god that she should really hate. The other Avengers make similar noises of surprise and distress. She ducks around Tony and glares at Steve until he begrudgingly steps aside.

Ellie slips under his chained wrists. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she clings to the leather of his back. Loki holds himself tall and proud for a moment. She stares up at him, rolling her eyes. It's painfully obvious that this is one weakness he is unwilling to show to his enemies, but they are never going to see each other again so he gives up, tightening his arms around her as best he can given his chains.

Her fingers touch the muzzle over his jaw, coaxing his face closer to hers. A little sob escapes her throat as he rests his forehead against hers. Usually he closes his eyes and melts into her when they are in this position, but today his green eyes dart around her face as if he is desperate to memorize each and every detail.

This isn't helpful to either of them, but Ellie can't stop. It's a terrifying possibility, but Ellie is starting to wonder if she needs Loki as much as he needs her.

She doesn't know want to say, so she keeps silent, giving him a watery smile. Loki nods as if he understands something she doesn't, hunching his shoulders and cocooning her with his frame. He seems so much wider, draped in all this leather and metal.

"I'll miss you," she whispers.

He nods again.

"Please try," she whispers. "Please try to get better. Please."

He huffs.

"You have people who care about you, Loki," she continues, even as she feels him tense in her arms. "Me. I care about you. So please, just try."

Loki pushes his face into her neck. Ellie closes her eyes and sobs.

"Lady Eleanor," murmurs Thor. Loki's head jerks up to glare at his brother, but Ellie just keeps looking at Loki. "We really must depart immediately."

"Okay." It's desperate and pathetic and will have Ellie hating herself later, but she stands on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek and then the metal of the muzzle. The word "goodbye" gets lodged in his throat, but she manages a final smile as she attempts to slip out of the circle of his arms. For a moment Ellie doesn't think he'll let go, but he does.

Tony snags her elbow, pulling her to safety.

Ellie watches from between Tony and Steve as Loki grabs the device that contains the Tesseract. The dark god stares at Ellie as Thor turns the handle and the pair seem to disintegrate in a blinding blue light, shooting up to the swirling colors in the sky.

Trust me, people! Trust me.

This early update is for Sammi the anon who asked me to update today. Challenge accepted!

Thanks you to everyone who has reviewed. I'm going to really try to reply to all y'all but real life is a bit crazy at the moment.

See you next time!