Chapter 17: Something Like Happy
"Did you have to wear green?" Darcy asks when the elevators open and Eleanor steps out into the lobby of Stark Tower where Darcy and Jane are waiting.
"What wrong with green?" Ellie asks, smoothing out non-existent wrinkles in her sweater. Darcy probably would prefer Ellie to be in a dress, but the best Ellie could manage is this nice green sweater and skinny jeans. Her boots are new, at least.
"You always wear green," replies Darcy. She looks stunning as usual in a tight black number. "And jeans? Really?"
"Hush, Darcy," says Jane. "Eleanor, you look lovely."
Ellie nods in thanks. It seems Jane sees her nerves when Darcy does not.
"Fine, fine," says Darcy as Ellie shrugs into her pea coat. "Let's get going. I'd have them pick us up but they couldn't get into the evacuated zone anyway so we have to go get them."
Three months since the invasion and the blocks closest to Stark Tower are still not open to the public. Few still remain in the tower, but Jane, Darcy, and Ellie have nowhere to go until the compound in New Mexico is ready. Although there is plenty of organizational work to be done, but things are quiet,
Darcy is Ellie's opposite in nearly every way. She is loud, happy, busty, and a burnet, but Ellie liked her the moment she arrived in the tower a month ago. She's an engineer that once worked as Jane's assistant. Now she'll be working on designing and constructing whatever Jane might need to get the Bifrost up and running once more.
Although Darcy's addition to the tower was exciting at first, things once more settled into a quiet routine. Far too quiet for Eleanor's liking. It provides too much time for thinking about the Loki, locked away in some Asgardian jail.
He's been gone for over a month and Eleanor isn't right.
She misses him, aches for him, and that is why she agreed to Darcy's ridiculous double date.
"How are you going to explain the car?" asks Jane, walking them out front to where the standard black sedan awaits, curtsy of their employer.
"Let them believe we are rich and powerful," Darcy says. She looks at Eleanor's simple outfit. "We'll tell them I'm rich and powerful, anyway," she amends.
They are in the car and Darcy chats happily about Michael, the man she met two weeks ago at a newsstand. This will be their fourth date. He has a friend named Todd. Eleanor does not see much chance of liking Todd, but she needs the distraction. She needs to at least try for a life of her own, and a half way normal one at that.
Eleanor has not been on a date since high school, and those hardly counted. Danny was her best friend before he was her boyfriend. Dating him changed little, simply adding the physical stuff to their hangouts.
Every other man since was certainly not dating. Laughably, her longest relationship since Danny was Loki.
But she won't let herself think of Loki.
They pick up the men, their dates. It's a bit backwards and totally Darcy. Eleanor smiles when Darcy introduces her to Todd explain that Ellie "never speaks like at all."
Todd is nice looking. He is tall with dark hair and dark eyes. He is lanky, like Loki. He wears glasses and his ears turn red when she smiles at him.
Darcy's planned this whole thing and during dinner Ellie really tries to make polite conversation, but she ends up drinking more wine than is wise. She is horribly under dressed, but the more she drinks the less she even tries to care.
They go to a karaoke bar after the meal, and Ellie can't stop giggling. The boys and Darcy tease each other, all trying to convince someone else to go sing, but Ellie glances at the song list for a few seconds before adding her name to the list. Her first instinct is to sing something sad because she feels sad, but Darcy is having a good time so she goes with something big and happy instead.
Everyone in the noisy bar shuts the hell up as Eleanor sings. This probably has something to do with the godly thing. The thought is depressing.
When she gets back to the table Todd is looking at her differently than when she left.
She sings twice more, once with Darcy and once with Todd, before the bar closes. Darcy and Michael take the car back to Michael's. Ellie agrees to walk to Todd's for a night cap.
He kisses her in the elevator. Ellie closes her eyes and really tries. This once worked so well for her. She could focus on this, get lost in this, and it would make her feel better.
Todd tastes wrong. He is gentle, treating her like glass. She tugs on his hair, trying to get more out of him, but it's hopeless.
By the time the elevator reaches his floor, she changes her mind.
"I'm sorry," she says. He is panting and glossy-eyed, but Eleanor will not get out of the elevator. "I can't."
"Can't?" he repeats.
"Yeah," she says, shrugging. "I just… there was a guy not so long ago and I thought I could do this, but I can't."
"Ah," Todd says as if he understands. "Okay. That's okay. We can take it slow. Do you want to come in while I call you a cab?"
She shakes her head. Todd sighs and pushes the down button. He calls her a cab in the lobby and waits with her, asking for her number. She gives it to him and stores his in her phone, promising to call if she changes her mind.
The cab comes and Eleanor knows she won't change her mind.
"This is it," announces Jane for the third time. Eleanor doesn't really hear it, but she doesn't need to. "We're here."
For the past four minutes Ellie has stared at the name by the buzzer.
The Greens
That means Laura and her husband and her new baby boy. Eli Green.
To Eleanor, Laura will always be a Tate, certainly more of a Tate than her, that's for sure.
Eli was born four days ago.
"Eleanor," Jane murmurs, reaching out to rub her back. "We can't stand out here all night. It's freezing and eventually the Avengers are going to track us down. How are you going to explain to Laura's woefully uninformed husband when Tony Stark crashes the party?"
Ellie shrugs, still annoyed that she'll be forced to lie to Laura's husband. Although her sister doesn't know all the details – especially the Loki bits – Ellie's association with the Avengers is banned from dinner conversation.
"This is really strange for you, isn't it?" Jane asks.
"Yeah." Ellie reaches up to braid her hair. "First holiday in eight years with these people. First big holiday without Harrison."
"Harrison?"
"My fake dad," replies Ellie. "My dad," she corrects.
Jane nods.
Thor, Tony, and Cap all heard her great confessional in Loki's cell, and Thor obviously told Jane, but she is actually relived now, to have all her secrets in the open. She's been trying to talk to Jane like a friend, relearning how to really confide in others after nearly a decade spent on her own and she's thankful that going through the whole tale again isn't necessary.
The door at the top of the staircase swings open, making Ellie jump back in surprise. Her reaction reminds her of Loki and thinking of Loki never fails to make her heart hurt.
"Hey, guys," says Laura. "Get your skinny butts in here before y'all come down with hypothermia."
Jane takes Ellie's hand, dragging her up the stairs and into Laura's house.
Her fake big sister babbles happily as she leads them through the brownstone. Ellie stops in the entryway to the cozy living room, frozen as she watches Maureen smile down at the bundle in her lap.
Ellie wonders if Maureen smiled that way at baby Eleanor. Maureen glances up and the question is answered. She is still looking that way at grown up Ellie.
"Eleanor," say the new grandma. "Happy Thanksgiving."
"Happy Thanksgiving," she murmurs, feeling oddly shy.
"Come meet you're your nephew."
Without really making the conscious decision to do so, Eleanor finds herself sitting next to Maureen, taking a sleepy little red faced, red haired four day old.
"Hello, Eli," Ellie murmurs. "I'm Eleanor. Nice to meet you."
Maureen is rubbing her back and Ellie does not flinch away.
"He's so tiny," Ellie observes.
"He didn't feel tiny," mutters Laura, dropping down on the couch on Ellie's other side.
"You, my dear, were much smaller," Maureen says. "I didn't let your father hold you much those first few weeks. He had those big, clumsy hands and you were so small."
It takes Eleanor a few beats to realize that Maureen is not talking wistfully about baby Laura, her only real child, but baby Eleanor.
Two Tates and one fake Tate coo over baby Eli. Ellie stays mostly quiet as the baby sleeps in her arms and feels a shift within herself.
For the first time in years she acknowledges a need for these people, a want for family. Her family. For so long she struggled to hate Laura for being the perfect, real daughter, just as she struggled to hate Maureen for her disapproval, for making the undoubtedly painful decision to commit a truly deranged Ellie.
There was a time when her hate for her family was real, like a living, burning thing crawling around Ellie's insides. All those years ago, Ellie uncovered the truth about her parentage and hate took up residence in her chest. She trusted her family and they lied. She tried so hard to be like them and failed. They never really loved her and how could they? She couldn't even stand herself. Self-loathing stoked her hate and had her turning to drugs to forget and men – and the occasional lady – to make her feel wanted.
Thinking back on it, Ellie can almost understand Loki's attempt at genocide.
Almost.
In punishing herself, she punished her fake family, until she almost killed herself, killing her father in the process.
God, how she loved her father.
To her grief stricken and drug-addled mind, Eleanor saw her mother's decision to commit her as a final abandonment rather than necessary help. It rekindled her hate, distracted her from her self-loathing, and had her leaving them all behind.
Ellie stares at her sleeping nephew and listens to her mother and sister coo.
Thinking back on her behavior deeply shames Ellie.
Maturity and time have granted her a painful perspective.
Hers were the actions of a spoiled, insecure child and it wasn't hate for her family that motivated her to hide from them, but crippling guilt.
They take her back now, even when she shunned them for nearly a decade.
Sniffling, Ellie holds Eli a little closer and lays her head on Maureen's shoulder. Her mother strokes her hair and no one comments on Ellie's tears, but they are certainly there.
"You know we named him after you, right?" asks Laura.
Eli. Ellie.
She shakes her head, feeling stupid for failing to notice.
More tears fall.
"Thank you," Eleanor murmurs as she descends the stairs with Jane several hours later.
"What for?"
"Coming with me," Ellie replies. "I was nervous and I'm glad you were there."
"I enjoyed it. You know I don't have much family with Erik in Europe and Darcy back with her family in New Mexico. Thanks for taking me in for the holiday."
"Food at Stark Tower would have been better, all professionally cooked," says Ellie.
Jane laughs. "To bad Tony was probably too drunk to taste it."
Ellie smiles as they reach the car Tony insisted they take, but stops walking to stare at they sky. She looks at the stars and thinks of locked up Loki, awaiting his trial.
She found something close to understanding today and wonders if Loki will ever get that chance.
"I look at the sky when I miss Thor," Jane murmurs.
Eleanor drops her gaze to her feet. Despite Jane's gentle tone, Ellis is so ashamed to get caught thinking of the murderous god that held her captive for three moths.
"It's okay," Jane says. "Now get in the car. It's snowing."
"This is weird."
"Darcy, just leave it alone."
"Jane, she's pacing. It's your boyfriend who's supposed to be zooming down from space sometime this week and she's the one who's pacing. It's weird."
In the last two months, the women who started out as simply her bosses have gradually turned into something like friends. Ellie can't be sure, of course. Before Loki, it had been a very long time before she allowed herself friends.
But she likes Jane for her compassion and enthusiasm. She likes Darcy for her wit and inability to filter her thoughts from her words. For months she's spent nearly every day in the company of the astrophysicist and the assistant turned engineer.
It's been completely horrible, of course, navigating the world post-Loki, but these two women, along with various guest appearances by the Avengers, make the day to day bearable.
"We are talking about her like she isn't here and she hasn't even noticed!" shouts Darcy. "That's not normal."
Jane lets out a snort because nothing about life these days is remotely close to normal.
Ellie is well aware that her behavior is both odd and alarming to her bosses, but she's had a very difficult time keeping it together since Tony informed them that Thor would be returning sometime in the next week.
That was six days ago, and the waiting is excruciating. Thor will bring news and Ellie aches for news.
Ellie paces along the wall of windows, gaze latched on the Asgardian patterns in the New Mexican soil just outside their lab. The whole building isn't complete yet, and the lab is just a section of the donut shaped structure that forms a huge circle around the touch down zone for the bridge.
"Should we do something?" Darcy asks.
Jane sighs and a few moments later Ellie feels a hand on her shoulders, compelling her to turn around. She does so, blinking at Jane. They are about the same height. Darcy is only two inches taller, so when it is just the three of them Ellie doesn't feel so small. When Steve or Pepper visits, the whole thing is ruined.
"Ellie, sit with us. Have a drink. There is nothing left to do but wait and watch our screens. You're freaking Darcy out." Jane's voice is soft, but her tone is stern.
"Yeah and you don't want to see me freaked out," says Darcy. "Just ask Thor."
With a final glance to the red ground out the window, Ellie lets Jane lead her to a leather couch in the lounge area of the lab. She plops into the seat next to Darcy, while Jane sits next to Ellie. The position provides an expansive view the wide circular space outside where Thor will eventually appear.
It's a beautiful workspace, courtesy of Stark Industries. They moved in a few weeks ago, but construction on the adjoining research facility continues. The lab only take up a small part of the completed building, the majority of which will serve as some sort of port of entry if they ever manage to fix the Bifrost. It guarantees that SHIELD will always know when someone comes to Earth through this particular bridge.
But completion on their project is still years away.
Using the power of Loki's scepter, Tony devised a means for Thor to travel between worlds without using the Tesseract, which remains safely stowed away in Asgard. Still, he'll use this landing sight when he finally decides to show up.
"Drink this," Darcy suggests, shoving a bottle in Ellie's hand. She obeys immediately, gulping down the dark beer so quickly it makes her head spin.
"Okay spill it, Ellie. Why are you so antsy to see Jane's boy toy?"
Both Jane and Ellie roll their eyes are this absurd definition of Thor.
"Ellie's desire to see Thor doesn't really have all that much to do with Thor himself," Jane supplies, diplomatic as always. The astrophysicist knows the whole tale, but Darcy was given only the very basics.
"Weak, Jane," Darcy mutters, shaking her head and sipping her own beer. "That was a weak answer."
Ellie sighs. It's probably time to tell Darcy something given that they might almost be friends and everything now.
"It's about his adoptive brother," Ellie whispers.
"The crazy hot lunatic who kidnapped you and then totally failed to take over the world? Thor's not bringing him back, is he? Because that would just be nuts. Fury would shit a brick. I thought the God of Failing to Invade Earth was rotting away in prison now, right?" Darcy babbles.
"Crazy hot?" Ellie says, scowling at the oblivious woman.
"Yeah, man. Surely you've seen his cheekbones. Hot as fuck."
"Darcy!" reprimands Jane. This is a common occurrence in their lab.
Ellie finishes her beer and accepts another from Darcy. The mini fridge was Eleanor's idea and a true stroke of genius.
"I just want to know what they are doing to him," whispers Ellie. 'That's all."
"Oh, I got you," Darcy says, nodding. "As a victim you need the closure of hearing all about his punishment. I bet you're hoping it's real gruesome. Have you read those myths? Norse Gods are brutal."
"No!" Ellie replies, totally horrified. She clutches her chest, hating herself for all the Googling she did, because yes, those Norse gods are fucking sadistic. The thought of Loki going through that physically pains her. "If Odin isn't a fucking moron he'll realize brutal and gruesome punishment is the last thing that will help Loki."
"Help Loki," Darcy repeats.
"He needs help," Ellie says with a shrug. For the first time ever, Darcy is speechless. Jane sighs and rubs reassuring circles on Ellie's shoulder blade.
"Thor will help him, Ellie," Jane says. Ellie gives her boss a grateful smile. Jane is very anti-Loki. She'll probably never forgive him for attempting to kill Thor on about a hundred separate occasions, but Jane does like Eleanor so she tries to be supportive.
Ellie has another drink. Jane and Darcy chat about something irrelevant and frivolous, and try as she might, Ellie is unable to pay much attention. An hour later machines beep, computers whirl, and data comes spilling out of printers.
In a chorus of excited shouts, Darcy and Jane run around the lab. They call to each other and jot down notes, but Ellie moves to the windows, looking up at the swirling clouds in the dark sky. There is a blinding blue light, concentrated in the very center of the circle, and three figures materialize.
The one in the center is obviously Thor, with his ridiculous height and width, but as the other two solidify, it becomes obvious that these are strangers, a man and a woman, both as blond as Thor and nearly as tall.
Ellie hands fist at her sides as she wills herself to stay put. Jane is racing through the sliding glass door of the lab, and Ellie refuses to ruin the reunion. She watches as Jane launches herself at Thor. He catches her with ease, swinging her off her feet and in a circle as he kisses her.
The pair of Asgardians are very obviously uncomfortable, and the woman a little disgusted. She clears her throat and Thor reluctantly sets Jane on her feet. Slinging an arm over her tiny shoulders, Thor gestures with his free hand towards the two strangers, making Jane nod a lot. The four of them move towards the lab doors and they open before Jane as she swipes her key card.
"Ah, Lady Eleanor," Thor says as he steps into the lab. "You look well. Work with Jane agrees with you. And you, Lady Darcy, are as bright and lovely as ever."
Ellie just nods and bites the side of her cheek. Surely she can wait until after the pleasantries to ask her questions.
"How is he, Thor?" The words seem to burst from her lips with very little thought. She covers her mouth and watches Thor's face fall.
"He awaits trial, my lady," the thunder god murmurs. "Come. Let us sit and I will tell you all that has gone on with Loki."
"Loki?" screeches the woman. She spits out his name as if it's a curse, but Ellie continues just to look at Thor, trying to read his face. "In our first moments on Midgard you wish to discuss the traitor prince?"
"Mind how you speak, Hulda," Thor says with a growl. "Loki remains my brother and a member of the royal family. If he does not have your respect I will have your silence at the very least."
"Yes, my prince." The woman scowls at Ellie and then looks around the room with distaste. "My apologies."
"Lady Eleanor, Lady Darcy, may a present Hulda and Alvis of Asgard. They are well versed in the workings of the Bifrost and are here to assist with your work."
"Hey, guys," says Darcy. "Welcome to Earth."
There is chatting, but Ellie can't focus. She bounces on the balls of her feet.
Awaiting his trial. For three months? It seems to long. Where does he await? Is he alone?
"Thor," Jane says. "Why don't Darcy and I show Alvis and Hulda around the lab. Maybe you can sit down with Ellie?"
"Of course."
With a hand on her elbow, Thor guides Ellie back to the couch she evacuated only a few minutes ago.
"I'm sorry," she says, hiding her face in her palms before Thor can speak. "I just…" She takes a deep, calming breath. "How is he?"
Thor looks so forlorn Ellie almost does not want to hear the answer.
"I know not, honestly," Thor confesses. "He is prevented from speaking."
"For three months!" she squeaks. The quiet chatter from the other side of the lab ceases for a moment at Ellie outburst. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep, calming breaths. "How does he eat?"
"Odin has magic to prevent him from starving. I doubt Loki would consume food even if he were physically able."
"So does he still have to wear the muzzle Tony made?" she asks.
"In a manner of speaking." Thor shuffles uncomfortably under the scrutiny of her gaze.
"Just tell me," she insists.
"His lips are stitched together," Thor confesses, looking pained.
Ellie's eyes go wide and she reaches up to trace the line of her own lips. "Stitched? With like, string?"
Thor nods.
A shudder runs through Ellie's body, but she nods at Thor to continue.
"He is imprisoned. I visit daily but I must admit, as of late he does not seem to recognize my presence."
Well, that's just about the worst possible scenario.
"He's mentally ill, Thor!" she shouts, losing it for a moment. "You can't just lock him away and fucking sew his goddamn mouth shut! That's cruel. And fucked up. And evil! What sort of douche bag throws their psychotic child in a fucking dungeon?"
Thor looks like he's torn between being offended and agreeing whole-heartedly with her explosion.
"Lady Eleanor—"
"How long are you going to be here?" Ellie asks, interrupting. A plan is already forming in her head. There is little she can do to help Loki, but she's got to try something.
She grown tired so examining why she feels the need.
"Two weeks Midgardian time."
"I've gotta go."
"Lady Eleanor," Thor says as Ellie stands. "I discussed your parentage with Heimdall."
There is a potent pause. Ellie feels like she's going to cry.
"And?"
"He has seen nothing, but agrees in all likelihood that it was Bragi. He long ago cloaked himself in protection. For many decades, Heimdall has been blind to Bragi's location. I know not of his fate," Thor says. "I am sorry."
Eleanor is oddly relieved. There is no room in her head for any new information.
"I've gotta go," she says again.
"Here," Ellie says, slamming the package into Thor's armor clad chest. She's interrupting Jane's tearful goodbye, but this is important.
The pair of Asgardian Bifrost experts regards her warily, but Ellie doesn't care. She's avoided the lab these last two weeks for favor of working on her own little side project. Jane's called to check in and Darcy stopped by her cottage, but neither of her bosses seemed particularly bothered by Ellie's absence, as long as she kept up with her desk work.
"Lady Eleanor," he says, clutching the box in a huge hand and studying it in confusion. "You have come to see us off. Is this a parting gift?"
"Sorta," she says with a shrug, taking it back to properly explain. She opens it up to give Thor a tutorial. "This is a CD player, okay?" Thor nods, totally baffled. "It plays music. These are headphone. Ear buds. They go in your ears." Ellie demonstrates and Thor nods again. "This button with the green star makes the music play. The one with the red star makes it stop."
She goes on to explain the batteries and shows Thor how to change them. She's included a shit ton of batteries. She thought about sending him her iPod, but there is no way to charge the device in Asgard, so the CD player and a shit ton of batteries will just have to do.
"It's for Loki," she says, tucking everything back into the box and gently placing it in Thor's out stretched hands. "He… My voice might help. Tell him how to use it, okay?"
Thor nods absently. He gives her a slight smile and then claps her on the shoulder with a bit too much force.
"Take heart, Lady Eleanor," he murmurs. "This will help greatly. I am glad my brother has you."
The tears come and she's gone before the trio of Asgardians blast off into space.
Ellie is surprised to find herself actually enjoying her new life in New Mexico. The dryness of the climate is so unlike any place she's ever lived. The colors of the dirt and the mountains are beautiful. The sky seems so big.
At night she looks at the stars and thinks of Loki.
Jane and Darcy move into the residential wing of the newly completed Stark complex adjacent to the lab, but Ellie opts to move in to an old cottage on the edge of the property. Tony wanted to tear it down. Ellie claimed it instead.
It has two bedrooms and one bath. Steve helps her fix it up when he's in the area. Laura packed up her shit hole DC apartment when Ellie went missing and as she starts to unpack her old belongings, New Mexico starts to feel like home.
Shortly after Thor leaves, Ellie has a meeting with Fury and some how manages to get back all the instruments and dresses from the bunker. SHIELD hands over the of Loki's English books, but keeps the Asgardian ones for further study.
She takes to putting aside her ancient jeans and t-shirts in favor for the floor length dresses. Even in the lab, she wears her dress and leaves off the shoes. Darcy teases her but Jane calls her pretty.
Laura calls twice a week. Sometimes they only talk for a few minutes but sometimes it's for hours. They talk about memories, good and bad. They heal. Maureen calls once a month.
Loki is in her thoughts more often than she'd like. She wonders if the CD helps.
The sound of a saw wakes her up.
The familiar sound has her covering her head with a pillow. The power tool cuts off and Eleanor keeps her eyes closed, hoping for a few more minutes of sleep, but then it starts again.
She gives up and opens her eyes. Ellie takes a few moments alone to listen to Steve toiling away in the other room and to admire her pretty ceiling. It is a beautiful dark wood and just a line of winter morning sun is peaking in through her curtains.
She is something close to happy.
It may be early, but Cap doesn't sleep much and she can't really complain, given he's working for free.
Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, Ellie rolls out of bed. She pulls on jogging attire before emerging from her room.
Steve is out back on the patio, cutting tile for the back splash in her kitchen. Last it was countertops, this week it is tile.
"Sorry," says Cap when he spies her loitering in the doorway. "Did I wake you?"
Ellie shakes her head and Steve removes his safety glasses.
"Liar," he replies. "There's coffee."
"I was going to run first," she replies, pulling her hair into a messy knot. "Want to join me?"
"Give me five? I just want to finish up here."
She nods again, retreating back inside to dig up her shoes.
They run their typical route through the barren, craggy landscape. Steve vastly outpaces her, even if she's spent these last few months trying to get healthy. He leisurely runs half a hold ahead of her before jogging back. Ellie likes it when Jane joins them. The girls are at the same level, way below that of the world's first superhero.
Forty-five minutes later they sit facing each other on stools at the newly completed breakfast bar, sipping coffee.
"Do you need the jeep today?" Ellie asks. She is red faced, but Steve didn't even break a sweat.
"No, I think I've got everything I need to finish up here," he says. "If I have to run into town I'll come get the jeep from the lab."
"Sweet." Ellie slips off her stool.
She showers and dresses for work, choosing jeans and a patterned black and green blouse. After hesitating for a moment she selects the dark green scarf Loki left at her apartment that first night. It was nearly a year ago now.
Back in her nearly renovated kitchen she grabs a yogurt. Steve is frowning down at her beautiful green granite countertop.
"It's perfect, Steve," she says. The man is annoyingly precise, but there is no doubt that the end result is gorgeous. She feels a bit bad that she is commandeering the attentions of such a talented and powerful guy, but he calls this vacation.
"Oh, I know," he mutters, looking at his feet. She doesn't understand his apparent guilt.
"What?" she asks.
"You really like the color green, huh?"
Now it is Ellie's turn to stare guiltily down at her feet.
"It's about him, isn't it?" Cap asks.
"Does it matter?" Eleanor murmurs, fingering the scarf. "It's not like I'm ever going to see him again."
"But you want to." The anger in the statement makes Ellie wince. She gets it, though. He should be angry, just like she should be angry with herself for allowing these feelings to continue. "You should hate him, Eleanor. After everything how can you not hate him?"
Eleanor shrugs and struggles not to cry.
"What did he do to you?" Steve asks, eyes wide and horrified.
Loki came here to rule the world. Through brutal conquest he meant to make all of humanity kneel. He wanted submission. He demanded blind loyalty of those wise go willingly, and he would have killed the rest. In the end, the only thing he managed to conquer was Eleanor.
Even now, months after he was taken back to Asgard, she misses him, worries about him. He was unable to brainwash her, but she fell for the tragic back story so like her own.
He did terrible things. He killed thousands, kidnapped her, tried to rape her mind, but even knowing all this, Ellie is unable to expel him from her system. He lingers in her bones. He irrevocable altered everything about her and now in the aftermath she is unable to hate him, as much as she wants too, as much as he deserves it.
"It's complicated, Steve. I'm sorry."
He sighs heavily, obviously disappointed, and Ellie is about to escape, but it doesn't feel right. He deserves more and she can't stand the thought that she might be leading him on, taking advantage of his very apparent little crush.
"Steve." She doesn't want to bring this up. It feels presumptuous and Steve is a very dear friend, but he is helping her renovate her cottage and sleeps on the cot when he's in town, so Eleanor feels like she must say something. "I went on a date."
"With who?" he asks, genuinely confused. There really are not a lot of options on the compound and rarely does she venture into town.
"Not recently," she says, wishing that her verbal communication sills were a bit better. This doesn't have to be awkward, but she is making it that way with her blabbering. "Like, a month after Loki left. I went on a double date with Darcy."
"Okay," says Steve. His brow gets scrunched up as he tries to figure out why she's telling him this.
"I was trying to be normal," she explains. "I was trying to see if there could be anyone besides Loki. And it didn't work. I'm not normal and I know Loki's gone, but I… just can't. Not with anyone else. Maybe someday I will get there, but it's unlikely. Do you get what I am saying?"
Now he looks sad, resigned but not particularly surprised.
"I get what you're saying," he murmurs. "I don't get why someone like you can be so… so into someone like that, but I understand what you are saying."
"And I understand if you don't want to keep working on my kitchen," she says, hoping that this won't be the end of their friendship.
Cap smiles and shrugs. "Consider it rent. I can't stand Stark's modern monstrosity."
"Okay," she replies, beaming.
"Nine years ago I killed Dad." Eleanor slurs the words into the phone before Laura can even say hello. Her big sister has called her six time since this morning, but Ellie needed a fifth of whiskey to work up the nerve to have this conversation.
"Oh, Elle. A drunk driver and horrible driving conditions killed Dad. Not you," says her sister. Because Laura is her sister, despite eight years of separation and no blood ties.
"I'm so sorry." Between her slow tongue and drunken sobs, the words are garbled, but Laura understands.
"Eleanor, it wasn't your fault."
"If I wasn't such a drugged out asshole—"
"Stop!" Laura is angry. "I can't have this conversation with you again. Not today. I know you are sad and I know it hurts and I know you are always going to feel guilty, no matter what I say, but today I'm sad too. I just want to remember how great he was, how much he loved us. Can you try not to drown in your own crap and just remember with me?"
During Laura's speech, Ellie calms. The tears slow, the aftermath of such powerful sobs leaving her with hiccups.
"Okay," she whispers. "Mom's here. She doesn't like to be alone on February eleventh. Do you want to talk to her, too? We'll put you on speaker."
"Okay," she whispers.
They talk for hours, until Eleanor gets sleepy. Laura and Maureen do must of the conversing while Ellie listens. She smiles and laughs as they remember together, something she's never before done on this day. They talk fondly off the past and Eleanor remembers what it was like to really, truly have a family.
By the time Laura and Maureen talk themselves out Eleanor summons the courage to share several of her own precious memories of her father.
"I miss him," she whispers. Laura and Maureen murmur their agreement. "I'm so sorry," she says again, even though Laura doesn't want her to.
"It wasn't your fault, baby," says her fake mother.
"It was," Eleanor replies. "But I'm not even talking about that right now. I'm sorry I left you the way I did. Fuck, you must have been out of your minds with worry. I'm sorry I was so selfish and that I took out my rage on you that way. It was easier to hate you, then to risk you hating me. And I'm just really, really sorry."
There is crying and gushing and Eleanor is exceedingly uncomfortable. But Laura and Maureen offer apologies of their own and it feels like shedding skin to emerge fresh and light and new.
When they finally say goodbye, Eleanor returns their proclamation of love with barely any hesitation.
She only remembers that this day is another anniversary of a life-changing event. One year ago today, she met Loki.
When Thor comes back in April he is alone.
Progress on the Bifrost is slow, but steady. Jane is giddy with all she learns. Darcy is tinkering away, attempting to build a machine to connect to the bridge. Ellie organizes the data, gets the coffee, and tidies the lab. The work is menial, but Ellie finds she quite likes the quiet little life she is building for herself, work included.
Jane and Darcy are her sorta friends. Plus, Ellie loves the sun and the heat of New Mexico. Come spring, she's planning to plant a garden.
But Loki is always in the back of her mind. And the front too, more often than she'd like.
So when Thor comes back alone two months after his first visit, Ellie once more is a nervous wreck, desperate for news of the God of Lies. This time around, Ellie manages to contain herself for a full hour.
Tony is town and he insists on taking them out for dinner. Ellie waits until the five of them order drinks and Jane gives Thor a lecture on ordering etiquette.
"How is he?" Ellie asks.
Thor gives her a sad smile, as if he pities her. "Although his predicament remains the same, he is very attached to the device you bestowed upon him. I can see it in his eyes. The madness is less prevalent."
Ellie nods and studies her lap. "His predicament is the same?" she asks.
"Time holds a different meaning in Asgard," Thor explains. "It has not been so long as it has here. He awaits his trial still. Traditionally these things take much time to prepare."
"So that's still so much of waiting," Eleanor murmurs. "I have another CD for you."
Thor nods. Tony changes the subject. Ellie thinks about Loki rotting away in a cell.
"Something is happening. Why is something happening?" mutters Jane as machines beep, computers whirl, and data comes spilling out of printers. "Thor just left two weeks ago and he isn't scheduled to return in a month and a half!"
"You don't think it's Thor? Should we tell someone?" asks Darcy, squinting at a computer over Jane's shoulder. "I mean, it could be Ellie's boyfriend back to finish the job or maybe he's piloting that Destroyer thing again."
Ellie rolls her eyes and watches the colors in the sky.
But it is Thor and he's stomping towards the entrance to the lab even as blue energy crackles around him. He pounds on the glass, frustrated that he can't get in without a keycard. Ellie pushes the door release and he marches in.
"Lady Eleanor," he says, shocking all three women. Ellie and Jane exchange a puzzled look because usually Thor goes right for his lady upon touch down. "I bring news of Loki. A trail date has been set for one Midgardian week."
Ellie's knees give out and Thor leads her over to a couch. Part of her thought he'd spend an eternity wasting away, waiting for his fate to be sealed. The relief Eleanor feels at this news is misplaced. He's been alone in a dungeon for months with his lips sewn shut and they haven't even doled out his punishment yet.
A shiver runs through Ellie at the thought of what could be awaiting him.
Thor explains, talking in a hushed voice that he can't quiet maintain naturally. Ellie nods along, trying to understand how the thing Thor is describing could possibly be called a trial.
There will be nothing resembling an attorney or a presentation of evidence. Loki will not be allowed to speak for himself, although Thor might have a chance if Odin allows it. Apparently trial in Asgard means Odin and some council of stogy old dudes who hate Loki will recite his crimes to the high born members of Asgardian society before laying down an appropriate punishment.
"What's an appropriate punishment for something like this?" Ellie whispers.
Thor stays silent for a long moment. He looks down, studying the hammer at his side. "I know not," he replies.
Ellie bites her cheek to keep from screaming at the God of Thunder. He is a terrible liar. After millennia with Loki it amazes Ellie that he didn't pick up anything from his adoptive brother.
"Thor, tell me."
He sighs heavily. "A continuation of his imprisonment, I should think."
"You have to take me," Ellie demands, strengthening her resolve. "You have to. I have to go to this farce of a trial."
Thor is speechless, but he doesn't say no.
Ah, so many tears after the last two chapters! This seems right, given all the tears I myself shed while writing them. Thank you so much for the lovely response. To the anons: much love.
So we're moving right along here. I don't like them on different realms any more than you do so I am going to fix it real quick.
Thanks for reading!