CHAPTER TWO: there's free wifi in hell

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| disclaimer: everything belongs to kishimoto-sensei except for mah oc's and plot |

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There was a cat scratching my face.

It hurt like a bitch. I glared at the offender and pushed it off of my body- Ino's body. It was a weird cat, with two tails instead of one, like it was mutated or something. I hissed at it, trying to communicate that I was hurt and that it should back off. It curled up next to me, and I smiled. I reached over to pet it and-

-it scratched my eye.

I instinctively screamed, jumping away from the cat as I felt the blood run down my face. I kicked the stupid cat as I ran around screeching bloody murder and cupping the blood running down my face. I was fucking blind and in a toddler's body, I didn't know where the hell I was and my family was gone.

Ughmgbldwklfrykl.

The confusion and frustration hit me hard and I continued to shriek even after I sat down. I felt tears escape my eyes and I wiped them down, hissing at the feel of the fabric rubbing the wound. I sniffed, the my snot covering my face.

"Arrgh! hate you, dumbass cat."

The cat sauntered over to me and began licking my eye.

Licking. My. Eye. That. It. Friggin. Swiped. Off.

I glared at it, wiping my face with my sleeve; examining it in the reflection I made in one of the many pools surrounding us. Ugh. There was a huge-ass cut in my eye, and I couldn't see out of it. I picked up the cat, screeching profanities. "You stupid cat! I'm blind because of you! How am I supposed to get out of here now?" It stared back at me unfazed, and licked my face once more. I sighed and sat down, the cat purring contentedly as it settled down next to me.

"Where the hell am I, anyway?"

"Dragine-no-Ouji. We have you."

—that's when the hands came. They were disgusting, really. Ugly gnarled things with humongous nails reaching out of the pool. I scrambled backward frantically, only to see the homocidal cat get grabbed. The hands (or whatever the fuck were connected to them) cackled and dragged the cat further. I grumbled, so close to ripping out my heart and killing myself, because damn! Did I sign up for this? No. Did I have to do this because the guilt would trip me if I let that dumbass cat get killed? Yes.

I stomped up to the hands, snatched the dumbass cat and stared the ugly thing down. I really, really did not have time for th—

—did it just try to grab me?

With those disease certified hands?

"Okay, first of all? WHAT'RE THOSE. Ya' nasty hands are disgusting, so do not even try to grab me and the dumbass cat here, just go crawl in' back to whatever hellhole you climbed through. M'mkay? M'mkay." The hands paused and I took my chance; finishing my rant and chucking the stupid cat on my head. I ran past the pools and heading straight for the huge gates- I was going to make it, I was going to make it-

-and then the he transformed. The dumbass cat transformed into a fully grown man while still ontop of my head, possibly cracking my neck. Again, why me? I growled, grabbing his stupidly long hair and yanking. "Dumbass! You almost broke my neck!"

He hissed at me and gently pulled his hair his hair back, glaring at me with his demonic eyes. His scarlet (why were they so red? oh yeah, the blood from my woUND) lips pursing in disgust. "Don't. Don't touch my hair.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed at his prissiness. "Well, I would've said that about my eye, but you already maliciously attacked it, dumbass!" He glared at me once more, his heterochromatic eyes flashing. "Be quiet, you insolen-"

Two pale hands encircled his waist, hugging him tight and interupting his speech. "Oh, Ouji-sama! There you are~"

I blinked slowly as the said girl walked in front of him, not so subtly rubbing her (gigantic) titties against chest. I blinked again. Damn, they were huge. How did she walk around without dying of back pain? Arrgh. I need to get home. I can worry about boobie physics later. "Er, so can I go home? My mom's going to whoop my ass if I don't get to the apartment by twelve, so..."

The girl chuckled as she wrapped her hands around the dumbass's waist and smiled saccharinely at me. "Oh, you're not going anywhere. In fact, you're going down."

—that's when the ground beneath me broke in half and I fell in, my stomach lurching and half of my internal organs practically jumping out of my mouth. I hung from the ledge using my miraculous upper body strength that failed me in PE class and shrieked like the banshee I was.

Hell to the no (no pun intended, God.) was I going to die now! I needed to kill Clary and avenge myself, damnit!

"Hey, stupid cat! I saved you, remember? So do me a favor and lend me a hand!"

The bastard yawned, his molten gold and blue eyes raking over me. "Oh?" The bitch cackled her ugly-ass laugh some more before snapping her fingers; the fire under me lapping closer at my heels. I groaned. Why, why me? "Cat, please! Just pull me up!"

The stupid fuckin' furry dangled his legs down the abyss; resting his face on his hands as he watched me struggle to hold my weight. "Well, I'm going to need an apology then~"

I screamed as the flames kissed my ankle, the burning sensation attacking my nerves. The dumbass's nose wrinkled and he glared in the bitch's direction. "Oi. I told you not to burn her."

"Ouji-sama, datte-"

"I'm bound to this idiot, Tenjou."

"Ehh?!" The girl snapped her fingers again, bringing me back to level with them and grabbed my face, peering at my eye. I glared at her and spat in an attempt that left my face covered in slobber and hers drowning in drool. Yeah, drown in it, please. I gave her my best shit-eating grin and watched as she recoiled in disgust.

"Hah, loser. Now can one of you take me home, please?"

I glared. I needed to go home! I really did not have the time to argue with a bunch of ki-

—ow.

I felt my wounded eye sting as my blood roared in my veins. Uhm? I turned toward the cat-man and hissed out in a voice that sounded nothing like my own. "Take me home, shimobe."

— tf? Whose voice was that?

His previously heterochromatic eyes turned black with a single Star of David as he snarled in obvious pain. "Of course, Botcchan. It is of a pleasure to be in your use, as your humble servant. Your wish is my command." He snapped his fingers and in a whirlwind of cloth, we were gone.

Um, Ciel Phantomhive much?

—–

When I finally woke up, a man was hazardously wrapping tight gauze around my head while a woman fanned me next to him. I dully noted them. Yamanaka Inoichi and...what was her mother's name?

The man suddenly zoomed in close, examining me with a critical eye. I held my breath as he rewrapped my head, panicking inside. Keep calm, Tat. Sure, Papa Bear is mind reader but why would he scan his daughter? Ex-

"Eh, maybe I should do a mind check, Noriko?"

-pleasepleasepleasedon'tdoamindcheck

The woman fanned herself absentmindedly as she curtly shook her head. "No, Inoichi. She's late for school, so Ino, please hurry and get dressed." I nodded at her, still shell shocked from my relief. I could've been killed if he found out. Inoi- Tou-san frowned at me and smiled. "Ya'know, Hanacchi, you can stay with me today and run the flower shop for a bit-"

Nori-Okaa-san hit him over the head with her fan, her bangs wobbling as her eyebrows twitched angrily. "No, Inoichi! You're the one who insisted that I put her in Ninja Academy, so she is going to Ninja Academy, concussion be damned!" Inoichi and I both flinched at the same time, wary of the fan being dangerously pointed at the both of us. She towered over us, her knuckles cracking. "Inoichi!"

He gulped audibly. "Yes, ma'am!"

"I want Ino dressed and out of here in five minutes, no less! If I don't hear that front door shutting, both of you are going to get it! Now, go!" We both ran up the stairs at the same time, narrowly missing the utensil being thrown at us.

Was she this violent in the anime? Ugh.

Inoichi helped me into my clothes, which should have embarrassed me, but surprisingly didn't. I decided against Ino's genin outfit, which was a tad, tad bit revealing. Instead, I slipped on a casual blue windbreaker to match Naruto's with a black shirt and matching harem pants before rushing down the stairs three at time. I yelled my goodbyes and stepped out into the street, the hustle and bustle of Konoha Market already in full swing.

I smiled widely, laughing. Nothing could ruin my mood. "Naruto Gaiden, here I come!"

—

I stared at the signs and grumbled. Something called my no-friggin-sense-of-direction could ruin my mood.

17-c? Nah, maybe it's 18-a?

Spotting the school was easy enough, all I had to do was follow the mass hordes of kids rushing to the school before the late bell. But, they had all dispersed, leaving behind a very confused me. I had wandered the school for hours, looking through windows and doors to see if I could spot the familiar class.

"Excuse me, Iruka-sensei told me to get you. Yamanaka Ino, right?"

I whirled around to meet my savior and grabbed them, ignoring their puzzled look. I shook them violently, tears of joy escaping my eyes. "Yes, yes! Please take me!" She nodded, still phased by my shaking and we stepped into the room. I breathed in. My first smell of a new li-

—a piece of chalk hit me right in the forehead.

"Yamanaka Ino! What do you have to say for yourself? You are two hours late!" I found myself face to face with Iruka, my one and only dolphin boy. I gulped. One of the most livid dolphins I had ever seen, including that time in the zoo where Clary had decided to—

"Honestly, Ino! Have these delinquents roped you into their gang?" he nagged, pointing at the group standing sullenly in the corner. I gasped silently. Right there, standing in front of my unworthy fangirl eyes were Inuzuka Kiba, Nara Shikamaru, Akimichi Choji and Uzumaki fuckin' Naruto! I was so—

-another piece of chalk hit my forehead. I rubbed it angrily, glaring at the offender. "Yeesh, Iruka-sensei! Take it easy on my forehead!"

"Ino! You know what? Go stand up next to those punks. You guys will be standing there for the rest of the day." I grumbled and dragged my feet there, my short and chubby stature looking natural among the adolescent boys. Titters rang out from the classroom. "Oi, Yamanaka looks like a guy! You can't tell her apart from Uzumaki!" spoke a guy from the front of the classroom.

I blushed hotly, cursing this transparent white skin as the class burst into laughter. I read the idiot's name tag. Nijimura Oha, huh? A filler character. I gritted my teeth. I'm gonna kick your sorry ass, Oha-Aho. Iruka raked his gaze over the four of us, his gaze softening slightly. "Alright, you guys. Will you do this ever again?"

"No, sensei!" We chorused simultaneously. Iruka pointed at the four seats in the back, motioning for us to hurry. I ran toward them, stealing the seat farthest away from Iruka-sensei's eyes, snickering as the three groaned at being right in front of sensei's all seeing eyes. They filled in the rest of the seats, Naruto taking my right and Choji my left. He looked at me, motioning the BBQ crisps bag in his hand at me. "Uh, ya' want some, Ino?"

I glanced at him dubiously before remembering he only knew the canon Ino. I sighed, ruffling his hair. "Listen, Choji. I don't know what the hell you've been listening to for the last eleven years, but I love barbecue chips." The three of them stared incredulously as I proceeded to stuff my face with the bag, crumpling it up and burping loudly.

I glared at them. "What?"

Naruto chuckled sheepishly, still gaping at me. "Uh, you're just acting weird, Ino." I stared at him, mesmerized by the marks on his cheeks. He. Is. So. Cute! How the hell did Sakura not attack him with hugs? He waved his hands in front of my face, attempting to catch my attention. "Ino? All you alright?"

I give up. Kawaii overload.

Naruto's cheeks squished together roughly as I enveloped him in a bear hug. He blushed as I detached, sending me a wary look as I proceeded to hug the other three, all of them giving me disbelieving looks. "What, I like adorable I sighed, licking my fingers to taste the delicious barbecue flavor. I snatched Shikamaru's tea bottle and the chocolate bar from Kiba while grinning at them. "You guys bring the snacks, Kicchan brings Akamaru and I reckon we got a friendship here!"

Kiba glared at me. "The name's Inuzuka Kiba, not Kicchan." Shikamaru stifled a snicker and I glared at all three. "Shika-boomboom, Kicchan, Toto and Chicho. That's how we roll guys." They simultaneously groaned and I smirked, rolling my wrapper into a balland aiming for the basket at the end of the room. Kiba scoffed. "Try shooting into the basket, Yamanaka. I'll bet three-hundred yen." Shikamaru lazily smiled, catching onto his drift. "Twenty-thousand yen." He slyly challenged me. "Two ramen bowls you won't make it, Ino-chan!"

I inwardly danced at the nickname and grinned feral-like. "Four tonkatsu bowls and you got yourself a solid deal, Toto."

He narrowed his eyes further, smiling like a fox. "Deal." I released the ball, slicing through the air like a shinkansen train. It sailed through the aisles, heading in the general direction of the window before the wind pushed it back towards the trash can. Hell yes! I raised my fists, itwasgonnamakeitwasgonnam-

—until it bounced off of Iruka-sensei's head and dunked into the trash can, covering him with crumbs. I winced as he whipped around swiftly; unwrapping the bag. "Teinshin Barbecue Chips." He crumpled it harder, laughing bitterly. "Akimichi Choji. How well do you think you will take the news of being exp-" Chicho's eyes widened frighteningly and I felt my heart clench as I gathered my guts. C'mon, Tat. You can join the Akatsuki or become a ramen seller if this doesn't work.

"–of all things, throwing a wrapper at a teacher! Really? I am so dissapoin—"

"Sensei! It wasn't Chicho! It was me! I threw the wrapper, and I deeply apologize for allowing you to mistake an innocent per-" I began rambling. "-so please, leave Chicho alon-"

"Yeah! I asked her to throw it, sensei! Please punish me and Akamaru instead of Choji-"

"Yeah, Iruka-sensei. I pressured her too." Shikamaru drawled, looking slightly serious for once. Our final member, not to be outdone, climbed in front of Choji, making a big 'x' with his scrawny arms. "I made Ino-chan do it! Please kill her instead of Choji!" I glared at him, elbowing him firmly. "Idiot, don't say my name in your half-assed excuse!" I hissed through clenched teeth.

Iruka-sensei rubbed his forehead angrily. "Fine. Fine! You guys don't want Choji to leave, fine. But, to compensate, you're all going to have to stay late and help clean up the mess that Naruto made on Hokage Monument." He sighed and returned to his lecture as we all sank back in our seats, relieved. Iruka resumed drawing the diagram on the board, pointing at the stomach.

"As I was saying, chakra is the basic life energy we all have, shinobi or not. However, as ninjas, we can to harness and manipulate this energy our will, if we can let it flow, not force it. This is one of the greatest skills you'll learn and is essential to any ninjutsu, genjutsu or enhanced taijuts-" I perked up, slinging my arms around the group. "Hey, that's ¥20,300 from you guys and four bowls from Naruto since it went in!"

They groaned.

—

We walked down the street covered in soap, grime and paint, Iruka behind us, grinning. He steered us toward the ramen stall, beaming like he was Santa or something. I rolled my eyes, he was definitely not like this in the real episode. "As reward for your hard work, here's ramen on me!"

We squeezed in, filling in the orders. Ayame looked at us incredulously. "So let me get this straight. Kiba, one miso, Shikamaru, one beef, Naruto thirteen pork-chashu and Ino, twenty-seven assorted?" She glanced at Iruka-sensei sobbing in the corner. "You sure you don't want any, Iruka?" He looked at her through his tears, shaking his empty wallet. "N-no c-can d-do, A-Ayame." She chuckled and moved to the back to begin the orders. We finished quickly, Shikamaru, Kiba and Choji leaving early.

I glanced at the sullen Naruto and serious Iruka while slurping up the last of my noodles. Wasn't this the scene where they discuss being alone? I slapped my chopsticks down and faced them. Ugh, gotta go emotional on their arses. "Whatever you were gonna say about Naruto being lonely, sensei, isn't going to be necessary. I'm going to be his family from here on out."

Naruto gaped at me. "I-Ino-c-chan?"

Iruka warmly beamed at me, acknowledging me taking his place as Naruto's family now. I curtly nodded back, strangely emotional. Don't you fucking cry, self. Iruka smiled at Naruto, ruffling his head. "Naruto, there a few people in this world who are genuine, and when you find them, your supposed to stick with them. Okay? Ino knows this."

Naruto wiped his sole tears away from his face and attacked me, succeeding in wiping his snot over me. I shrugged him off after a few seconds, wiping the wet boogers off of my hood. "Ugh, Naruto. Give me a warning before you start soaking me with your nose excrete!" He blushed as we exited the closing izakaya; walking back in silence.

Iruka waved at us from his doorstep. "Tomorrow is the test you two!" I groaned as we walked away and soon we made to in front of Naruto's apartment, whose window coincidentally was across my mine. I watched him unlock his door and peeked inside—

—it was a friggin dump.

I pinched his nose harshly, turning it scarlet. "You idiot! This is a hazard! I'm coming in tomorrow morning to clean, and you better be ready; ya' good for nothing aho! Graduation doesn't start until four PM so I'll be here at five AM..." I sighed and brushed his hair away from his head, readjusting his goggles. "Ugh, too tired. Anyway, what was Mizuki-sensei talking to you about, Toto?"

Naruto flinched ever so slightly. "Who? Him? Oh, nothing...just techniques and tips..."

"Oh. Well, good night, Toto."

"See ya', Ino-chan!"

I smirked as I walked to the house and stumbling into m- Ino's bed. I peeked through my curtain only to see Naruto sneaking out and heading high speed on the rooftops towards the Hokage Tower. I grinned ever slightly. Naruto could've tricked me with that white lie. But I wasn't any ordinary girl.

I was Tatiana Forrest, Extreme Naruto fangirl.

「つづく」

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author's notes:

um idek honestly but yes u got tenjou seia, the hawt demon butler (rin), lotsa confused!ino, some naruto and cute nicknames so bam

review and i'll eat my toe. OH AND TELL ME HOW YOU LIKE THE REVAMPED VERSION SO FAR!

next chapter preview: angry!rin, inner ino, mizuki arc, summoning demons an' shit, jealous princess seia, anotha' trip to hell (maybe) and FINALLY AN EXPLANATION

next chapter apperances: sakura (fo' sho), hinata, gai-sensei, rin, mizuki, inner ino, nijimura oha and lotsa gang

next chapter perks: confused!ino in love!rin tsundere!rin angry!seia yandere!seia angsty!mizuki tf is going on!ino badass!iruka noob!naruto very homo!sasugay squad goals!gang kurama!ino crying!sakura bitchy!sasugay

next chapter treats: explanations and lotsa fighting

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