A/N: Here's next chapter. I hope you all like it!
Special thanks to pinkkissesjohnson, 2Addicted2YourLove, snuggleUP, jenny crum and BAUMember!
I don't own criminal minds!
Chapter 29: Painful memory
JJ walked through the small park, her heels making the only sound as a cool breeze hang in the air. From her position, she already noticed Hotch sitting on the bench where they had their second date. It had been romantic and magical. It was where she had first opened up to Hotch, and in a way it felt like their spot. It was the place where something had changed. It was where they had their first kiss, where she first had felt a real connection with someone after Owen. It was the place where was able to find a calmness she had never ever known before.
So as she walked through the park, their date came rushing back. All of it, and it only made her realize that her relationship with Hotch was awfully real to her.
Hotch looked up from the ground and watched the blonde walking towards him. She looked absolutely perfect as always, but this time he knew she was wearing her work clothing. She looked professional and very put together. He liked that look on her. It suited her. ''Hi there!'' he smiled out as he rose from the bench and met her halfway.
JJ ran a few steps until she jumped into his embrace and kissed him quickly before pulling back again. ''Hey,'' she whispered sweetly as they both took a seat on the bench. ''How was your day?''
''It wasn't what I wanted it to be.'' he replied. His day hadn't been eventful, but being with JJ made him feel so much better. ''I spent the entire day at the crime scene with the FBI and MPD for the case.''
''Do you have any idea why Warren was killed?'' she asked curiously, hoping he would think it was out of concern because he used to be her boss instead out of worry of being discovered. But she knew the CIA had hidden their tracks, and they were of course the best at it, so she had nothing to worry about.
''He ran a nuclear program within Chemicaltech Industries which may point to terrorism.'' he blurted out, later on realizing that he couldn't share information of his investigation with any outsiders. ''You may be questioned in the upcoming weeks about Warren and the company.''
''Yeah, I…uhh…need to talk to you about that.'' she began, her voice serious and filled with an ache. She didn't want to go. She didn't want to be without him for a month, but her dedication to her job was important, so she simply had to go. ''My superiors, the board of Chemicaltech Industries, has asked me to visit our offices in London so I can manage the fallout from there.'' she said. It actually wasn't a lie. After her conversation with Owen, one of the board members had contact her and asked her to leave for London as soon as possible since she had been the fixer.
''London?'' he croaked out in shock. ''You're moving to London?''
JJ took his hand quickly to reassure him. ''No no, it's only for a month or so. Just to help out.'' she explained, seeing him sigh out in relief. ''I'll come back, Aaron.''
''It just feels like our relationship keeps being pushed aside because of our jobs.'' he said in disappointment. ''I just wish you didn't have to go.''
JJ was just as disappointed as he was, but she had accepted the fact that he had been gone for weeks at a time for a case, so she wished he could've showed the same kind of understanding for her. But she decided to not go into it since she wanted to leave on a good note. ''Yeah, I know.'' she said sadly. ''But four weeks isn't really that long. Besides you'll be busy with work as well.''
''I'm just going to miss you so much!''
''I'll miss you too!'' she whispered as she kissed him softly before she rose from the bench. ''I've got to go.'' she said, and then he let go of her hand and let her walk away.
The time on the plane was a way for JJ to reflect on her life, everything. Things that had gone wrong, while other things had gone well. Her life had been filled with ups and downs. Bust most of her life she had been unhappy. That was until she joined the CIA, until she met Owen. Suddenly she had found her purpose in life and something more important to focus on than misery from her own past. She had been able to do something important with her life.
But even though her job had given her purpose, there had been a moment that changed her life forever. She had done something she had feared, but she was forced into it. Looking back she had no choice. Or did she?
A year earlier…
''Natalya Severov.'' Collins stated as he stood in the operations room in SAD. He was the only one there accompanied by JJ and two analysts. ''Former GRU and KGB. She has contacted us because she is willing to defect.''
''What is she giving us?'' JJ asked simply, staring at the brunette's which filled the screens.
''She has claimed to know someone who's part of a rising criminal organization in Russia. Once she's here in the US, she'll give us names.''
''When do I leave?''
''Tomorrow morning.'' Collins stated.
Just the name, Natalya Severov, caused JJ to awaken from her light sleep. She put her hand under her head and started staring out the window, even though the sky was dark. She wanted to run away from her past, but in that moment it was as if the past had hit a replay button in hear head and she couldn't stop it. So she laid back in her seat and closed her eyes.
The door opened and slammed shut behind her as JJ walked into the dark alley, hoping to find the woman she was looking for. She had flown to Russia to meet a stranger who claimed to be willing to defect. So she stood in the alley and watched a familiar figure she had seen on photo's walking towards her.
With one hand behind her back, holding her gun, JJ walked forward with caution. She never knew what could happen. ''Natalya?'' she asked clearly. ''Natalya Severov?'' she repeated.
''Yes,'' the brunette said, her voice low and filled with distance. ''You CIA?''
Just her voice, the manner in which she spoke, caused a chill down her spine. Something seemed to be very off about the woman across from her. It wasn't anything JJ could point out but it was just a hunch. ''We should go inside to talk.'' JJ suggested.
''No, here is fine!'' the brunette stated forcefully.
JJ took another step forward, her hand still on the gun as a precaution. But she knew she'd come across as threatening so after another moment she let both hands fall to her side and she took another step forward. ''One of our agents told me you want to defect?'' JJ asked simply. ''Defect from which organization?''
''That's true, but I want something in return before I answer any questions.'' Natalya explained, her body relaxing just a little. ''I'll only answer questions once I'm in the US and I've received my passport.''
''I can't do that for you.'' JJ replied with unease. ''I need names, dates, places before I can make a promise to you.'' she went on professionally. ''I'm sorry!''
''I need…I need more than this!'' Natalya snapped. ''I'm risking my life.''
''I understand!'' JJ said compassionately, but before the words had fully escaped her mouth, she watched the brunette go for her gun. So she did the only instinctual thing she knew. She pulled the gun from her waistband and pointed it at Natalya who had pulled her own gun. ''Drop it!'' JJ ordered, but she didn't move. ''Drop it!''
JJ could see, even in the dark alley, that Natalya was squeezing the trigger, so she shot her before JJ was the one getting injured. She let her gun fall to the ground as the brunette staggered backwards with her hand covering her chest. Her eyes were filled with shock and anger as she stared back at JJ, and then the pain and desperation took over her expression.
The shock was coursing through JJ's body and caused her to freeze for a second, but soon enough protocol kicked into her head and JJ picked up her gun and ran towards her. She kneeled down next to her, but she seemed lifeless. So JJ checked her pulse but she couldn't find a heartbeat.
She pulled away and patted her down, finding a wallet in the back pocket of her jeans. JJ quickly went through it and found a piece of paper with the name Christian Ward scribbled down on it, along with the name of local bar. She put the piece of paper in her own pocket and pulled the money that was left in wallet from it and took it with her. She then threw the wallet next to the body and at last she took Natalya's gun, making the scene look like a simple robbery.
JJ then proceeded to run into the night, her feet hitting the pavement with each stride she took. It was almost as if she was running for her life, something or someone hunting her. And in a way that was true. She was running away from her feelings, from herself.
When she finally found another alley, she leaned against the wall and covered her face with her hands as the tears fell down her face.
JJ's eyes shot open as she breathed rapidly. She looked around the empty plane to make sure she wasn't back on the streets in Russia, but that she was actually safe and away from that horrifying moment in her life.
Killing Natalya Severov was the first time she had actually killed someone. It was her first kill and it changed her. It had taken away a part of her she'd never get back. She never thought about actually killing someone, or taking a life to defend herself. It had never crossed her mind until she had gunned down a woman in a dark and filthy alley somewhere in Russia. It wasn't anything like JJ, but in a way she knew it came with the job. It was something she simply had to deal with.
Danger was a part of her life. And JJ, unfortunately, learned that the hard way. After the incident she had become hardened and more distant to keep her heart from breaking, even though it was already broken in many ways. Owen was one of the causes of her shattered heart. Her assignment to get information from Natalya Severov had been the very first mission she did on her own, without Owen to back her up.
And a part of her had wondered if she lacked skills, and if it was her own fault. She became obsessed with figuring out if she belonged at the CIA, which she never really discovered. Before she had any time to herself, JJ was ordered to stay in Russia and investigate Christian Ward. It had become a six months long, nearly seven, mission with ups and downs. It had ultimately changed her.
And then she returned to DC, only to be reassigned at Chemicaltech Industries, which had been a blessing in disguise because she had met Hotch. He had helped her to feel and to care. Their relationship was something JJ needed at that moment, and even now she still did. He was the reason to wake up in the morning. He was, at that moment of her life, her everything. Simply her lifeline.