Something felt off when she walked into the BAU, eager to help them out with tracking down Emily. She had begged and pleaded with Erin to be allowed to return, had twisted Cruz's arm until she had the full weight of the State Department behind her, and now that she was back home, everything felt flat and colorless. Like she had grown in so many ways that her friends hadn't, and also like there was a hollow spot in her heart that she couldn't quite account for.

As they had worked together to track Emily and Doyle down, she had found herself missing this dynamic. She didn't have that over in Afghanistan, though Erin was trying her hardest to be the listening ear that JJ needed as they continued to work in close proximity. Still, she couldn't replace Penelope's light giggle, or Rossi's eyebrow waggle, or Hotch's stoic support. These were the things that she missed, and hadn't realized that until she was working with them once more.

And now, she was in the hospital, talking to Emily's doctor, and convincing him that they had to hustle her off to another hospital, under an assumed name, that her very survival existed on her dying on the operating table. "Please, you have to understand, the man who is hunting her picked off her CIA contacts one by one until she was the last one left. If he thinks that she's alive, there is nothing to stop him coming after my team and doing the same. I will not have that happen, do you understand me?"

"But it's unethical…"

"Fuck your ethics, sir. I am more concerned with keeping everyone that I love safe and alive. I couldn't do that for my baby, but I can damn well do this for her and them. The Marshals are on their way here to handle her transport to another facility. And you will sign a death certificate for her. Do I make myself clear?"

The man nodded before signing the correct documentation and attaching it to Emily's chart. "There, I hope you're happy."

"I'm the farthest thing from happy, actually. I have to consider my best friend as dead to me, and who knows when she'll be able to return from hiding. But if it keeps her alive, then it will be worth all the pain in the end."

She turned on her heel before the doctor could blunder into another minefield, and took a deep breath, making certain to arrange her features into the appropriate expression of grief. This all hinged on her ability to sell the largest lie she had ever told, and she knew that she had no room for error.

As she walked into the waiting room, all eyes turned to her, and JJ found herself tearing up to see the hopeful looks on their faces. A part of her didn't want to dash those feelings, yet she knew that Doyle would just keep coming after them if she didn't. "She never made it off the table," JJ found herself saying, the words of the others sounded like buzzing bees.

After she had left them to their grief, she pulled Hotch aside, into the hall, knowing that she had to share her terrible burden with someone. "What is it Jayje?" he asked, looking at her in concern.

"As soon as Emily's better, I'll be setting her up with a new identity in Europe. This is the only way to get Doyle off of you guys. I cannot lose one of you to a stupid unsub."

Hotch's eyes widened in shock a little before he nodded. "I completely understand. You have to do what you can to protect the ones you love."

"Exactly. I just wish…"

"What?"

She shook her head, knowing that she couldn't reveal two secrets in as any minutes. "I wish that I saw you all more often. I mean, I work in the same city, and there's never any time to visit. I just assumed that I wouldn't be as busy as I am."

He nodded in sympathy before turning his attention back to the team. "I should go comfort them, are you sticking around?"

"No, I have to make arrangements for the funeral." He nodded once more and then reached out to squeeze her shoulder warmly. The tender gesture made her blink her eyes rapidly as she tried to keep from crying. "I will see you all there," she whispered before walking away from him. JJ knew that if she was to stick around much longer, she would tell him about the baby that she had lost, and there was no way that he would ever understand about that, not in a million years.

Somehow, she made it out to her car before she started to car, and she sat behind the wheel as she sobbed, letting out all her fear, anger, and frustration. After the storm had passed, she took a deep breath and made her way home. Will and Henry were still out, which allowed her to make her way up to the bedroom, collapsing on the mattress as she stared up at the ceiling. JJ had no idea how Will would deal with a situation like this. Henry would never understand, just like Jack had never really understood.

Turning onto her side, she caressed her stomach, feeling the loss and yearning return to her tenfold as she imagined what her baby would have looked like, if she hadn't miscarried, if she hadn't failed Will, failed Henry, failed Hotch. A small part of her had believed that she would have a girl, with black hair like her father, though JJ selfishly wanted her to have blue eyes. And she would be the perfect reflection of everything good in both of them. Somehow, she knew that Will would eventually come around, even if Hotch never knew that the baby was his.

Once more, tears began to roll down her cheeks, and she curled around her pillow as she kicked her shoes off. Following rabbits down trails did not make her any happier, and JJ wondered if this hellish pain ever went away. A small part of her knew that it never would, that she would always feel like there was something missing in her life.

As JJ struggled to find happier thoughts and memories, she heard the garage door slam shut and knew that her boys were home. Sure enough, not one minute later, she heard Henry yell, "Mommy!" as his little feet slapped against the floor, heading up the stairs to find her.

Releasing a long sigh, she sat up in bed and wiped away the traces of her tears. The bedroom door flew open, and she plastered a grin on her face. "Hey, buddy! Did you enjoy spending the day with Daddy?"

"Yes! But I am so glad that you're home. I miss you when you're gone."

"I miss you, too, Hen. But you know that I won't be here very long, right?" He nodded. "And I'm going to have to do something very sad in the next few days. Do you remember Miss Emily?" Henry nodded once more. "Well, there was an accident, and she passed away, so Mommy has to go to her funeral. Once that's done, I have to go back to Sandistan, and try to make everyone get along. But I'll always be thinking of you and loving you, okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," he said as he snuggled in close to her. "Will you read me a story tonight?"

"As if you even need to ask," she replied softly before leaning down and kissing his forehead softly. These were the moments that she missed the most when she was away from him, and she only hoped that she could make up for lost time when she was finally home.