By the time I reached the door, I was almost in a panic, and could barely wait for Master to type in the code to unlock the door. Once it was open, I was right on Master's heels as we entered, my eyes already sweeping for Quatre.
I found him, asleep in front of the couch, his head resting on Trowa's lap. Trowa had also fallen asleep, his head falling to his shoulder. They looked so natural together, so peaceful and complete.
I couldn't understand it. How could they be so relaxed together after so little time? Even Quatre, who I had helped nurse back to health, had been wary of me for several days. How could this boy, who spoke even less than I did, so firmly seat himself with both Master and Quatre in only a few days? And Quatre hadn't even known him that long, for they had only met the day before! I couldn't... understand...
Master came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder and startling me from my thoughts. I turned to him, hoping he would not see the confusion inside me. I was lucky, for he was tired. He certainly would have noticed otherwise.
"Why don't you go turn down the bed?" he asked, lovingly running his hand through my hair. "I'll wake Trowa and bring Quatre in once you're done."
I nodded and obeyed, partially because I felt I had to, and partially because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't... I didn't want Trowa in our bed, not because there was anything wrong with him, but... because whatever space he took left that much less for me. My fear that he would be able to push me out still nagged at the very bottom of my soul, and it seemed more and more as though my intuition was correct. But could I begrudge him the same fate that had befallen me? It was through no efforts of my own that master had found me, and likewise had master found him. Perhaps fate was merely retracting the good luck she had bestowed upon me. The ebb and flow of life.
Perhaps the most infuriating quality of Trowa was there was nothing about him to hate. He was quiet, shy, and reserved in an unimposing and unassuming way. He was quick to take commands, and even quicker to offer help. He could tolerate extreme amounts of discomfort without complaint. He was never rebellious or disobedient, instead being perfectly submissive.
It was as though Trowa were me, except better. Instead of destroying his feelings, he had hidden them, and every now and then Quatre or Master could call them forth, just for an instant. It was easy to believe that Trowa would be able to open himself fully to both of them in a few weeks, at most. I, on the other hand, had been with Master nearly two months, and still could not express my emotions to him. When something troubled me, I would allow myself to go blank instead of feeling with the pain and dealing with it. It was cowardly, and I was ashamed of it, but helpless to stop it.
I couldn't help but sigh softly as I turned down the covers and rub my chest. There was a dull ache there that would not fade, a ball of fear and pain. I was trying to keep it there, to feel it instead of blocking it, but whenever I saw Trowa and Quatre so close... It was as though my body were rejecting the emotions. As though it could not sustain pain any longer, having lived by shutting it out for so long. Once the pain was gone, there was only a cold sort of emptiness left, which hurt in an entirely different way, but hurt just the same.
Master came in carrying Quatre then, Trowa following at his heels, sleepily rubbing his eyes. Master put Quatre down on the bed, and the blonde boy woke up just enough to move toward the middle, allowing Trowa room to slide in. I let Master slide in first on the other side, then slid in beside him. I didn't want to sleep next to Quatre, because Trowa would be so close to him, and I needed to keep my distance from Trowa. I did not want to like the other boy, because liking him would mean lowering my defenses, and lowering my defenses to my rival was unthinkable.
I climbed into bed, and Master pulled me against his chest. I molded well, having slept like that almost every night since I had become Master's slave. Over his shoulder I could see Trowa and Quatre curled together, the blonde haired head resting beneath the green-eyed boy's chin. They were beautiful together, so calm and serene, but I felt no pain in admitting this as I nestled myself in Master's arms. They were together... but I was not alone. I knew Master felt a bond with me, stronger than with the other two, because I had been his first slave, and because he had been intimate with me most often. Maybe... Just maybe... I could be happy with them after all. Perhaps Trowa would not push me out. And Quatre did not ignore me, nor did I receive any less attention from him or Master. Maybe everything would be alright, if Quatre had his partner and I had mine. Maybe everything would be alright...
As long as I remained Master's favorite.