Part II: In the Dark
Chapter 25: Sanctuary
Eleanor sleeps for eighteen straight hours and wakes alone, her bed empty of both children and husband for the first time in weeks. She vaguely recalls Loki getting up sometime before dawn, pulling the blankets to her chin and murmuring, hush, darling, sleep, sleep, sleep.
So she slept and somehow managed to dream of only sunshine and red New Mexico earth.
In the main room she finds Neela, sitting on the floor with Vali and smiling at him as he colors with the crayons Darcy got him for his birthday.
For long moments, Eleanor simply watches her son. She thinks it would be possible to watch him draw indefinitely, but after a few minutes Vali glances up from his scribbling, scrambling to his feet as he catches sight of her. She stumbles slightly as he collides with her legs and lifts him into her arms as he babbles at her. The only word she can really make out is Mommy in all his rushed excitement. She kisses his soft hair and prepares herself to engage in whatever plan Loki's concocted to save the universe and their family.
"Lenara sleeps on," Neela says, also getting to her feet. "Vali awoke only fifteen minutes ago, and has not had a bath or breakfast."
Eleanor nods and rocks Vali, pleased that he seems content to stay in her arms for the moment, rather than wiggling away and rushing back to his drawing.
"And I must say, Princess," continues Neela. "You look well rested. Much better than yesterday."
"Thanks. And thanks for hanging out with the kids."
"It is my genuine pleasure."
Eleanor grins. "I'm glad. But I've got it from here. I'm sure you have a full morning."
"Indeed, Princess. Oh, and Queen Jane asked me to inform you that a group is taking breakfast in the private royal hall, if you are interested in joining them."
Eleanor nods and Neela leaves. She gets Vali bathed and dressed for the day, before waking Lenara, knowing that if she sleeps much longer she'll throw off her whole nap schedule. It is a relief to get back to the routine that became so familiar before she started dreaming.
The private royal hall is not so great and rarely used. When the family dines together it usually happens in Odin's tower, where the old king is more comfortable, but these bizarre guests are to be kept a secret, known only to the family, Thor's warriors, and a handful of trusted servants, so the private hall it is.
Eleanor stands at the doors, Lenara on her hip and Vali clutching her hand, watching the strange crowd gathered here. At one end of the table are Jane, Sif, and Fandral. On the other are their bizarre guests, even the tree and the raccoon. Several empty chairs segregate the two groups, and only Peter Quill – the fucking half-mortal – seems willing to bridge the gap. He leans over Fandral to get a look at Jane, chattering her ear off about all things Midgard. Fandral's hand is on his sword, prepared to defend his queen if Quill makes one wrong move.
"Eleanor!" Jane says, apparently relieved for a reason to interrupt Quill. "You look great."
Eleanor rolls her eyes and approaches the table. Sif gets up and scoots over, leaving two chairs empty between herself and Jane, purposefully putting herself between Eleanor and their guests.
She settles Vali in a chair with a plate in front of him and keeps Lenara in her lap as she picks at her own food.
"Hey, rocker chick," says Quill, grinning at her from across the table.
"That is Princess Eleanor to you, mortal!" snaps Sif, halfway out of her chair.
"I don't think your friend likes me much," says Quill.
"I wonder why," drawls Eleanor.
Silence descends, save for the very serious babbling Lenara is doing at her brother. Vali is uncomfortable and quiet around these strangers, but Len is oblivious to the tension and chatters to Vali and he seems to understand his sister, even though her words are not actually words.
"So what's your plan for the day, Ellie?" asks Jane as she finishes eating.
"Find my husband," Eleanor replies. "Try to help out with his scheming now that my brain is working again."
"It is a bold plan," says Gamora, speaking from the far end of the table. "Your husband is very brave. I would not do what he is attempting."
All Eleanor knows of Loki's bold plan is that there is a plan at all, and now that she is less foggy, she fears that he's come up with something ridiculous, without her aware enough to be the voice of reason.
"Oh?" Eleanor asks, trying to sound unconcerned, like she has any idea what Loki means to do.
"Yes." Gamora says. "Willingly allowing Thanos to trap him in the Void? To take your place? I believe it will work, destroying Thanos from within, but I would not do what Loki will do. I would prefer death to a return to the Void."
Keeping her face blank as her stomach bottoms out and her heart races in her ears is very hard work.
It's worse then she thought.
"It is a good plan," Gamora says, assuring her when Eleanor fails to keep her face totally blank. "Our best possible chance for victory. Very brave."
"Yes," says Eleanor. "He is brave."
And she is going to absolutely slaughter him for it.
"No fucking way."
Loki winces, although really it is amazing how Eleanor managed to stay silent and keep her anger hidden as she listened to him detail the plan. As he spoke, he really had no idea that she would object so vehemently, although this was foolish on his part.
He knows his wife. Of course she objects. Vehemently.
"Eleanor, I must go. Surely you cannot expect me to passively stand by and wait for Thanos to put us on the defensive? There is no other option." He stutters over the name, but Eleanor does not notice.
"And how exactly do you plan to pull this off, huh?" At her sides her small hands clench into fists and red splotches bloom on her cheeks, a side effect of her rage. Although he's seen his wife angry in the past, it's never been this severe and directed at him. "We don't know how far apart the bond will let us get. So what? Are we both going to trapeze into The Void together? Or are you going to have your green ex-girlfriend fly me nearby while you go it alone? What's the motherfucking plan for that, Loki?"
Loki grimaces and becomes suddenly entranced by his own boots. He stares at them intently as he gathers his courage to tell his wife a truth she is sure to hate. Although he anticipated some push back from Eleanor when she became aware of his plans, this level of anger was unanticipated, and he hasn't even disclosed the part that she is sure to find the most objectionable.
"Um." From his seat at the table Thor clears his throat. Loki completely forgot his brother's presence here in the war room when his irate wife stormed in, and if Eleanor's wince is any indication, she too failed to notice the King of Asgard in their midst. "I should depart."
"You think?" Eleanor snaps.
Thor essentially sprints from the rooms, closing the doors behind him and trapping Loki here with a furious Eleanor.
"Well?" she demands. "What about the bond, my God of Fucking Stupid Plans?"
Loki clears his throat and moves outside, to the balcony where the air is crisp. He breathes it in and calms himself for a few long moments before turning back to face the wrath of Eleanor.
"It must be broken," he whispers. He hates this. He absolutely hates it. The bond is precious to him, a bit of Eleanor that resides within, that has evolved into something unique and binding. Removing it will feel like death, but he can think of no other way to ensure Eleanor's safety, keeping her tucked in the palace while he faces all his nightmares. It is sickening, what he must do to defeat his enemy and he doesn't think himself strong enough to hand himself over to his tormentor, not without Eleanor's support.
Silence stretches and Loki chances a glance at Eleanor, but he regrets it immediately as she is shaking now with the rage that bubbles beneath the service.
He desperately wants to fall to his knees and wrap himself around her, begging her to just let him do this please, please, please, but instead he locks his jaw and awaits her verdict.
Eleanor opens her mouth, closes her mouth, covers her mouth with her hands, opens her mouth again.
"You want to get rid of it," she repeats, voice deceptively calm and quiet.
"Eleanor—"
"You want to get rid of it!" she shrieks. "You want to rip out this thing that's grown between us, this thing that we don't fully understand. This bond that connects us, that we lean into without thought; that we rely on. You want to get rid of it."
"Eleanor, there is no other option. I must go and the bond will not stretch across galaxies. We must—"
"You want to let yourself get captured by your worst enemy, the terror of your dreams, the creature that tortured you and remade you into the very worst version of yourself, used you as a tool of war. And before you do that fucking suicidal thing, you want to rip out the bond that saved you the last time you got skewered with a fucking spear and nearly died! What the fuck, Loki?""
"I know," he says with a groan. When he reaches for her shoulders she jerks away. "Please, Eleanor. I know, but it must be done. There is no other option."
Silence reigns again. Eleanor attempts to speak, to continue this argument, no doubt, but she cannot seem to find the words. In the end she simply shakes her head and flees.
Her silence stretches for days.
"You really need to stop this whole not speaking to your husband thing," says Jane, frowning down at her lap where she is attempting to stitch something together.
Eleanor flinches, but doesn't look at the queen. Instead she continues to stare across the garden, where Vali is treating the walking tree giant – I am Groot – like his own personal jungle gym. Lenara sits at the creature's feet, delighted by the flowers that constantly bloom from its toes.
The thing seems very gentle, but it is still a huge animated tree that keeps the poor company of a foulmouthed raccoon, an alien that is incapable of understanding a simple metaphor, the only other half-mortal Eleanor's ever heard of, and fucking Gamora, assassin extraordinaire.
The tree will be watched, as long as he stays so close to her children.
"Eleanor? Are you not speaking to me now, too?" asks Jane.
"It's not that I'm consciously not talking to him," Eleanor mutters as Len rips up flowers and babbles up at the tree.
"You haven't spoken a word to him in two days and he looks like shit."
"Look, I'm not punishing him with the silent treatment, alright? I'm so furious and so terrified that I don't have the words to adequately express it. And I just know if I open my mouth I'm going say something mean and cruel. I'll just regret it, whatever I say when I'm this angry, so it's better to just not talk at all."
"Oh, honey." Jane sighs and abandons her sewing to throw an arm around Eleanor. She settles with her head on Jane's shoulder and struggles not to cry as she watches her children play with a tree.
She unwillingly imagines raising them on her own, telling Vali stories of not one dead father but two, and struggling to help Lenara deal with her Jotunn heritage without really understanding what it is. The alternative is probably worse and Eleanor cannot even imagine the horrors that would ensue if Thanos got his hands on their kids, but she refuses to believe that Loki's dangerous-as-fuck plan is the only way to keep that from happening.
She's nearly worked herself up to the point of tears when Odin appears in the garden, wandering towards his grandkids and regarding Groot with open curiosity and delight. He laughs as Len offers him a bundle of flowers. The kids and Groot all giggle when Odin tucks flowers behind each ear and threads them through his messy beard.
"Hey," Eleanor calls to Odin, sitting up from Jane's shoulder and wiping at her wet eyes. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
Odin shuffles over. "Eleanor," he says, beaming. "And The Goat!"
Jane sighs but offers no comment. Instead of sitting beside them on the bench, Odin chooses to sit on the ground at their feet.
"Do you remember when you made me Loki's bót mannaforráð?" she murmurs, reaching out to detangle Odin's hair with her fingers. "Do you remember when you created the bond?"
"Yes," Odin replies.
"Good. Can you tell me about it?"
"Cigarettes, Eleanor? You are truly smoking cigarettes?"
Eleanor offers no reply and blows a generous amount of smoke in his face as he paces over to where she leans against the railing of their balcony. He clenches his jaw, both to keep from coughing and stop himself from lashing out in rage.
This late into the night they should both be asleep, together in their bed, but he woke moments ago alone.
It is tiresome in the extreme, Eleanor's attitude. For so long Eleanor has been his partner, unquestionably on his side. They presented a united front, even when the realms thought him dead, but now Eleanor will not so much as speak to him, so great is her disagreement with his plan.
It is the best option available to them and Eleanor is being a stubborn, ridiculous child.
"Have I gone back in time a decade?" Loki hisses in Eleanor's ear as she turns away from him to descend the stairs into the gardens. "To when you had a nicotine habit and refused to speak to me?"
Eleanor whirls around to glare at him and blow more smoke in his eyes.
"You really want to bring this up now?" she snaps. "When I've never been angrier at you, you really want to remind me of the time you kidnapped me and trapped me underground for three months? That's your strategy?"
Hearing her voice actually directed at him for the first time in three days is a relief.
"She speaks!" he declares, spreading his arms wide and pretending to be bowed over with shock.
Eleanor rolls her eyes and inhales deeply, keeping all that toxic vapor in her lungs far longer than necessary. It can't be a pleasant sensation, but Eleanor does it simply to rile him up.
Even knowing this it riles him up.
"At least my kidnapping got you to stop this particularly disgusting habit."
Loki mutters, crossing his arms over his chest.
Eleanor blows smoke rings.
"You've really never been angrier with me?" Loki asks, bemused. "Truly? Not even when I faked my death and ruled Asgard as my father and made a liar out of you? Not even during said kidnapping?"
"It's a fucking suicide mission, you insufferable asshole!" Eleanor shouts, hands flailing, feet stomping. Her voice is piercing and makes Loki wince, but it feels like progress compared to her silent treatment of the last few unbearable days. "You're so fucking determined to get yourself killed so I'm going to smoke some fucking cigarettes."
She is down to the filter on her current cigarette so she flicks it to the dirt, sullying the pristine garden, as another appears between her delicate fingers.
"Who even gave you these cigarettes?" Loki asks, because focusing on this is easier than attempting to convince Eleanor for the hundredth time that he will not die, when it is a promise he cannot necessarily keep.
"Tony sent them up. He's a good friend. I know he and Pepper never got around to having kids, but I bet he'd be a good dad. What do you think, babe? Should I go to him so your kids have a father figure in their lives after you get yourself killed? Or maybe Cap will be a better replacement? Or Thor?"
Growling, his hands close around Eleanor's shoulders and he forces her to stumble backwards until he has her pressed against the marble pillar of a nearby gazebo. With well-aimed cruelty, Eleanor is tossing his every fear at his feet. She is supposed to support him and make this very difficult and terrifying thing he must do a bit easier, when instead she simply makes it worse.
And it infuriates him.
Eleanor's chin is raised, stubborn and defiant as ever. Smoke curls up from the cigarette she still holds at her side and Loki returns her glare with equal fervor.
Eleanor breaks first, her lip quivering and her eyes watering. A tear in her eye and a bit of her own fear shining through her rage is all it takes for Loki's own anger to evaporate.
"Oh, Eleanor," he murmurs. His hands no longer hold her captive but move to trace the line of her throat up to her cheeks. "My sweet songbird. There is no other way."
A tear rolls down her cheek and Eleanor lets out a strangled sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She shakes her head and pulls away from him, moving to sit on a bench in the gazebo. Tucking one leg beneath her, she pulls the other to her chin. The hand that brings the cigarette to her lips is trembling.
"Please," Loki says, desperate. There is no way he will be able to protect their family without Eleanor's assistance. "Please be brave once more."
Eleanor snorts and shakes her head. "Your plan is not brave. It's just fucking ridiculous. Completely banana balls. You're going to fucking die."
He is not totally sure what she is going on about now, but he takes the opportunity to once more outline the virtues of his decidedly not ridiculous plan.
"Eleanor, it uses the titan's own plan against him, don't you see? He will never expect it. This is the only way to ensure that he is destroyed, once and for all. Although it would be easy enough to invade and destroy Sanctuary, the titan is cunning. He will slip through our fingers. Even if we destroy his domain, he will disappear like—" He watches Eleanor inhale deeply on her cigarette. She tilts her head back and expels a great breath that twists in ribbons up into the air before vanishing into the night sky. "He will disappear like smoke. We must ambush him, take him unawares, and your dreams are affording us just the opportunity we need. We know his plan and ours plays into that perfectly."
Despite all the logic and truth he gives her, Eleanor shakes her head and continues to smoke.
Beyond frustrated, Loki growls again and paces the diameter of the gazebo, tugging on his hair and attempting not to throttle the mother of his children.
"Enough, Eleanor!" he finally shouts. "You know there is no better alternative or you would have offered it up. And I know that eventually you will go along with this plan as our best chance to save not only our family but the universe at large, so can you please dispense with the dramatics and bloody get on board! We're supposed to be partners in this and you are doing nothing but distracting me from much more pressing matters!"
Loki stops in front of her, huffing slightly as he carefully gauges her reaction. In his experience Eleanor does not respond well to being screamed at, but now she appears more thoughtful than angry.
Eleanor sucks on her cigarette and lets both her feet drop to the floor.
"I have conditions," she says.
"Conditions? To what?"
"To going along with this fuckery."
Loki nods for her to continue, bracing himself for the worst.
"We're not breaking the bond," she says, somewhat predictably.
Loki groans. "But we must—"
"Fuck no!" Eleanor is on her feet, storming towards him and poking him in the chest until he is the one trapped with his back to a pillar now. "That shit saved your life once and it might do it again. You really think cutting out this thing that's grown inside us, tangled us together, is a good idea? And I know technically the bond won't let us be that far apart, but we'll just have to figure out a way around the distance limit because the bond is staying. I've already talked to Odin about it."
"Odin?"
"He created it, didn't he? And he seems pretty confident that we can figure out a way to do away with the distance part. Granted, he was pretty distracted by a walking tree at the time, but whatever."
"You want to put this in the hands of a madman? He's insane, Eleanor, and could easily do more damage than good."
"He isn't fucking insane!" Eleanor snaps. "Stop fucking saying that. He's different than he was, but not insane. I trust him. And he's our best shot to keep the bond because there's no way we're ripping it out."
Her reasoning is sound and he begrudgingly nods, understanding that he must give Eleanor something for her support. For the most part, he is glad that she's pushed back so on this point, for he dreaded it so, the removal of the bond. "Anything else?" he asks.
"I don't trust Gamora," Eleanor says. "Not her or her fucked up band of flora and fauna."
"My dear, I assure you—"
"Yeah, yeah, she has more reason to hate the titan than you do blah, blah, blah." Eleanor rolls her eyes again. "Just because I trust her to want the titan dead doesn't mean that I trust her to get you out. And that's your master plan, right? You're going to kill the titan and Gamora's going to pull you out before detonating the whole thing?"
"Simply put, yes."
"What's to stop her from just leaving you there, huh?" Eleanor asks.
Loki grins down at her, pleased that her head is finally in the game, as they say on Midgard. His trust of Gamora is difficult to explain, borne of mutual torture and hatred. Their shared experiences have him believing that she will not betray him, but it could never hurt to give her extra incentive to follow the plan.
"What do you propose, my dear?" he asks.
"One of them stays here," Eleanor says, pointing towards her toes. "Quill. She loves him, right? So when Gamora fucks off to destroy Sanctuary, Peter Quill stays here with me. When she returns with the thing I love she can get back the thing she loves."
Although Gamora's pet has so far been much too interested in his wife for his liking, Loki can once more not argue with Eleanor's logic.
"That's rather cold for you, Eleanor," Loki replies, grinning widely.
Eleanor shrugs. "I learned from the best."
"Well, it is not the worst condition I have ever heard. Anything else?"
"That's it."
"I have a condition of my own."
Eleanor cracks a smile and puffs on her cigarette. "Is it that I stop smoking?"
"It is that you never smoke again."
Her answering giggle is such a small sound, but it seems to fill the gaps of Loki's chest cavity, left empty from all these days of Eleanor not speaking to him.
She drops the smoldering cigarette, lifting her skirt and smashing it with the heel of her boot, the grey ashes smeared across the golden floor.
The announcement that Peter Quill is to stay on Asgard for the entirety of their mission to destroy Sanctuary is not well received. Gamora seems to understand as she always does, and she agrees to this condition gracefully if not happily.
It is Peter Quill that proves the real problem, and when Gamora concedes he goes on an angry rant, flipping over a table laden with lunch before storming out. Loki begrudgingly understands this reaction, as staying behind to play the captive would drive him mad as well, but the titan is not Peter Quill's to battle.
The rest of this strange team, Drax the Destroyer and Rocket the Raccoon, object loudly and obnoxiously, but Gamora seems to be the leader of this rag tag group, and eventually they fall silent as Gamora unrolls meticulously hand-drawn maps of Sanctuary and The Void.
This is Gamora's area of expertise, and Loki listens more than he contributes as she determines the best way to destroy the titan's domain. The raccoon wants to go in guns blazing while Gamora argues for stealth.
It is then that Drax, ugly, literal-minded alien that he is, pounds a massive fist on the table, causing ink pots to rattle and Loki to jump in his seat. He worries that the fool before him will wake Lenara.
"Enough!" he booms. "I care not about this Sanctuary. This plan is folly, with us providing nothing but support of this strange, skinny Asgardian. Why should we allow this stranger to get all the glory while we are pushed to the periphery? He wants Quill to stay behind so he will stay behind. He wants to fight Thanos alone so he will fight Thanos alone? No, I say. This monster is responsible for the death of my wife and children and I will have my revenge on Thanos personally, not simply by destroying his world."
Gamora sighs heavily, casting her eyes upwards to find some patience for her idiotic companion. She then glances at Loki, raising an eyebrow and nodding for him to address that bit of stupidity.
Loki is thankful for the opportunity.
"If you do not cease with your needless tongue waggling," says Loki, speaking lowly and slowly, "I will see fit to nail said tongue to the ceiling. That should keep you quiet."
Gamora ducks her head to hide her laughter, but Drax sputters and the raccoon unleashes a torrent of curse words ending with, "you're really going to let him fucking talk to us that way, Gamora?"
"Perhaps an equally painful punishment should be devised for you as well," muses Loki, reclining in his seat. "Hunting is a popular pastime here on Asgard. I would have you banished to the forests and reward some lucky huntsmen happily for silencing you permanently. I will have you stuffed and mounted to the wall, near where your friend hangs from the ceiling by his tongue."
It is silent for a few long moments and Loki is pleased that he's managed to frighten these hardened criminals.
This is the unfortunate moment where Lenara sees fit to awaken from her nap. She's slept happily in a sling on his chest, all through the commotion with Peter Quill and Drax's outburst, but his quiet threat seems to have finally done the trick.
She lets out a happy giggle, wiggling in her sling as she reaches up a tiny hand to touch his face.
"Da," she says.
Despite the completely inopportune timing, Loki melts as he stares at his daughter, reminded again why he is agreeing to work with these creatures in the first place.
The so-called guardians stare at him for a few silent moments, as he stares back in utter horror to have forgotten himself so thoroughly, before bursting into uproarious laughter.
After a brief moment of offence, Loki too smiles. It is rather humorous to be threatening and menacing one moment, only to appear soft and pliant with one half-formed word from his daughter.
Loki doesn't really understand how, but the moment inspires camaraderie with these strange allies and there is no more talk of any but Loki killing the titan.
"This is the weirdest fucking thing we've ever done," Eleanor mutters when Loki returns from putting the kids down for the night. She agreed to let them spend the night in their own room when she started sleeping again, but she isn't exactly thrilled about it.
She is even less so now, given Loki's goal for the evening is particularly bizarre.
"This is the weirdest thing we've ever done," Eleanor repeats, eyeing Loki warily as he comes to stand directly in front of her, hands resting on her shoulders. "And we've done some weird-ass things."
Loki hums, not really listening as he studies her body. His examination is clinical and detached. She misses his playful smirk and the way he eyes her appreciatively, always wanting her no matter the situation.
Except this situation, right now, apparently.
He pulls her tunic over her head, leaving her in only her underwear, and never before has being mostly naked with Loki made her uncomfortable.
"Explain to me again why we have to do this?" Eleanor asks, suddenly nervous. "Please say you didn't study Odin like this when you pretending to be him."
Loki rolls his eyes and sighs, continuing to see her as only muscles and bones. "I will need to become you, my dear. This will be no simple illusion."
Eleanor frowns, still not quite getting the difference.
"When I was pretending to be Odin, you could see through the illusion. Do you remember? I did not physically change my form, simply cloaked it so everyone but you would look at me and see only Odin. Yet when I take my Jotunn form, it is a physical change. I transform into something different, and that is what I must do now. It would be very easy to see through an illusion, or cause my magic to falter. The physical change is a deliberate metamorphosis that is quite tricky to accomplish. Even if I lose focus or am tortured beyond reason, my form will not change unless I deliberately cause it to do so. Understand?"
Eleanor scowls and crosses her arms over her chest. "Yeah, I get it. When Thanos is ripping you apart you won't accidently let him know it's you. I fucking get it."
"Eleanor," Loki murmurs.
She agreed to go along with his bullshit plan, but that doesn't mean she has to be happy about it.
"Can we get a move on, please?"
Loki nods and before her eyes her ridiculously tall husband shrinks, his height diminishing until she can look straight ahead and meet his eye.
"Well, fuck," she says.
Loki reaches out to pat the top of her head and his head, making a small adjustment to his height before nodding, apparently satisfied.
Eleanor can do nothing but watch with her mouth agape as Loki's broad shoulders narrow and his limbs get skinner. He gets the slight flare of her hips just right and then grows breasts on his chest until they are the size of watermelons under his tank top, making Eleanor double over with laughter. He seems to get great joy in amusing her – not something that's happened recently – but eventually shrinks the boobs into her tiny little A-cups.
It's her body with Loki's head and Eleanor hides behind her hands, unable to watch.
"Eleanor," Loki says, still using his own voice. He tugs gently on her wrists. "You may close your eyes if this makes you uncomfortable, but I must see your face to ensure I get this part perfectly correct."
Eleanor nods and keeps her eyes closed for a few minutes.
"Eleanor," says Loki, using her voice now, too bright and more high pitched than it should be.
"Please tell me I do not sound like that," she replies with a groan, keeping her eyes firmly shut.
"Hi, I'm Eleanor and I like music and cigarettes!"
"Oh my god."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Loki is the best!"
She squeezes her eyes shut tighter, completely freaked by the sound of her voice from across the room rather than from her own mouth. "I absolutely do not sound like that."
"You sound exactly like this. Now open your eyes. You must tell me if I've overlooked something," Loki replies, serious once more.
She opens one eye and pretends to be looking in a mirror as she checks out her husband, who has physically and deliberately changed into her exact replica.
"Fuck, Loki," she mutters, fighting the urge to cover him up a little. The baggy shorts and tank are not overly revealing, but Eleanor would rather not be seeing anything at all.
Despite the absurdity of the situation, she must admit that he's done a fantastic job, down the dark mole on her right hip and the post-Lenara stretch marks on her stomach.
"Am I really that skinny?" she asks herself.
"Yes." And Loki might be using her voice but when he snaps at her he sounds like himself. "Perhaps you should start eating more now that you are no longer a sleep-deprived ghost or not speaking to me."
"Turn around," Eleanor says, her fascination growing now. This is by far the most bizarre thing she's ever witnessed, but the chance to see herself from all these new angles is somewhat amazing. "Damn, my ass has never looked better. That's all Lenara."
"Yes, we're ravishing, my dear," says Loki, making her grimace. He runs one hand through the blond, messy hair on top of his head, and slouches slightly, mimicking Eleanor's posture.
"I do not stand like that."
"You absolutely do." He walks around a little, the gait he uses more bouncy than his usual powerful stride. He twirls once to face her again and flaps his hands around his head, exaggerating the way Eleanor talks with her hands when she's excited or flustered.
"Oh my god, you have to stop," she says again.
Loki grins wickedly and goes back to studying her, gaze appreciative and calculating now. It is so fucking strange, because that is her face wearing a Loki expression. He's going to have to put in some serious practice hours if he wants to pull off being her. Anyone who is paying attention will see Loki in the twisted grin playing around her lips.
"No!" she says, holding up a hand when Loki takes a stalking step towards her, his smile lascivious. "No way. This is not going to be a sex thing."
"You've had no problem with altering genders in the past, my dear," Loki reminds her with her own too high voice.
"I do not want to fuck myself, Loki. Shit."
Loki huffs. "Fine. But it is your turn. With me away, when you are in public you must pretend to be me. So let's see it."
Eleanor shakes out all her limbs, pausing to frown at Loki for a moment when he mimics her mannerisms. Focusing again, she closes her eyes and pictures her husband from top to bottom; his dark, chin length hair tucked behind his ears, pale skin and sharp jaw, green eyes and the hollows of his cheeks, broad shoulders, tapered waist, legs that go on forever and perfect hands, all wrapped up in green and black and gold.
It's illusion for her, not the physical change like Loki. She hasn't learned true shape shifting yet and for her purposes this layer of magic that makes her look like Loki and talk like Loki will suit just fine. She needs to simply play a role rather than withstand unspeakable horrors like him.
When she opens her eyes again she appears to have grown a foot in height and it's strange to look down at herself. Loki is staring up at her with her own face, looking like he is very much contemplating something completely filthy again.
"No," she says. Her voice is a deep roll, but her pacing is off, far too quick and American accented and lacking the slow hiss. "No sex as each other. Loki, this is way too fucking weird, even without you being gross."
He simply giggles, which is pretty fucking weird too.
"Of course you want to fuck yourself," Eleanor says with an eye roll, trying to correct the discrepancy in her tone.
Loki shakes his head and reaches out to run his fingers down her forearm. The magic there ripples, exposing her own tanner skin and smaller hand.
"You really must work on that, darling," says Loki. "Come, let's invite Thor and Jane to our rooms for a nightcap. We shall see how long it takes for them to figure us out."
Thor and Jane never figure them out, not until Odin wanders in through the secret passageway and immediately notices.
"You make an inferior Eleanor, Bloki," says Odin, helping himself to a goblet of wine as Thor and Jane gape. "And Eleanor, you really must smile less if you want to pass for Blue."
"Perhaps I should go and you should stay," Loki murmurs in Eleanor's ear, pulling her away from the group gathered in the Bifrost pavilion. Jane is holding Lenara, so ready to depart she bounces her leg. Odin has Vali on his hip while Heimdall teaches their son of the stars and far away galaxies. Peter Quill is pacing around, apparently as antsy as Jane, and Loki is not thrilled about his presence but the promise of this trip seems to have dulled his anger over being left behind as collateral.
"Does it really matter?" Eleanor asks, taking his hand. "If Odin is wrong and he didn't actually manage to get rid of the part of the bond that only lets so much distance between us, it doesn't matter who's where. It's going to hurt so fucking much, even if I stay and you go."
Loki nods and frowns at his father. Although if anything Odin seems to be more aware of his magic and the magic around him since his accident, Loki still does not trust him entirely.
They spent hours last week in silent meditation while Odin held both their hands and hummed to himself. Nothing felt altered to Loki when Odin abruptly dropped their hands, called them cured, and bopped off to find supper.
"Look," says Eleanor, stepping a bit closer and wrapping her arms around his waist. "We've got to test it sometime. Why not right now? I trust Odin. I really do."
Loki lays his forehead against Eleanor's and nods. She allows him to hold her for a few long seconds before pressing a kiss to his lips and slipping away to join Jane at the entrance to the bridge.
The distance between Midgard and Asgard causes no strain to the bond and Loki is thankful that this is one less thing to worry about, but he spends the day in a high state of anxiety. His entire family is on a different realm and Loki despises it, snapping at Neela and Thor and Gamora as an outlet until the assassin threatens him with bodily harm if he does not desist.
"You're completely unbearable without your family," Gamora mutters when Loki agrees to behave himself. "Like a whole different person."
It is perhaps the most pleasant thing she has ever said to him.
"Hush," Eleanor whispers. She crawls beneath the covers, waking him in the process.
"You're not due back from Midgard until sunrise," he replies, turning on his side to properly press himself against her back. "Why're you early?"
"The time difference was fucking the kids up," Eleanor replies, relaxing back into his chest. "Quill's still there. He and Steve are basically in love, which I didn't expect, but Steve's got all those lists he put together to try to catch up with ninety years of missed history and pop culture so he was showing Quill what he missed since the 80s. Did you know he hasn't been back to Midgard since he got picked up by some space bandits in '88? When he was, like, ten. It was like a kid in a candy shop. He might stay there for days. Or at least until Darcy gets fed up and wants her boyfriend back."
Loki is too tired to truly comprehend what his strangely verbose wife is trying to communicate, but it's obvious that she is ranting about another man, which he does not like at all.
In response he simply grunts into the back of her neck.
For a few blessed minutes Eleanor is silent and Loki nearly succeeds in falling asleep once more.
"Do you think he's my brother?" she whispers.
Again, it takes Loki a few long seconds for her words to penetrate his exhaustion.
"What?" he exclaims, horrified by the thought of being related in any way to Gamora's deplorable pet.
Eleanor sits up and turns on a light. Loki groans and hides his face in a pillow.
"So he's half-mortal and his mother always talked about his father like he was a super hero who had the voice of an angel, but Quill's never met the guy. Apparently his dad was supposed to come get him but that never happened. And on Midgard Quill picked up a guitar for the first time since he was a little kid and he played a rendition of Cherry Bomb perfectly from memory."
She talks with a great speed and high pitch. It proves too much for this late at night.
"Eleanor—"
"And he was telling me that before he met Gamora he was all about the one night stands and no emotional attachments. Does that sound familiar? Meeting some murderous alien was the thing to get him to settle down."
"Eleanor—"
"I mean, it's just a few too many coincidences," she continues as if he hasn't tried to get a word in twice now. "The music and the sex and he kinda looks like Bragi, you know? All blond and strapping. What bullshit is that? That he got the tall genes and I'm cursed to a life constantly staring up at people."
"Eleanor, you are really—"
"And just when Bragi got me thinking that he really loved Nina! What an absolute ass. Quill's mom was dying of cancer and he still couldn't be fucked to show up."
She seems to have finally talked herself out and she turns to look at him, awaiting his verdict.
"This is all conjecture," Loki says. "And it seems unlikely, but Bragi is not that skilled of a liar, least of all to you. Ask him, Eleanor, and you will have your answer."
She frowns, sighs heavily, and turns off the light. After a few moments Loki finally finds himself back where he wants to be, spooned around Eleanor.
"Maybe I don't really want to know," she whispers.
"Then put it from your mind."
"Or maybe I'll wait until you get taken away," she says, sounding on the verge of tears now. "It'll be a nice distraction."
"All right, Eleanor. Whatever you like."
Gnawing on her lip, she stares intently at the crate on the floor and wishes she did not decide to wait up for her husband after she put the kids down for the night. Loki's taken to disappearing after dinner to work away for a few extra hours with the Bizarro Guardians, Thor, and the few Asgardians in on the whole plan.
If she'd have just gone to sleep at a reasonable time instead of fighting to stay awake to get a proper goodnight kiss, she would not be currently staring at a crate and freaking out. Surely it would be better to do this staring and freaking out in the morning, on a full night's sleep.
"Are you planning on saying anything at some point or would my time be better slept sleeping," Loki asks from somewhere behind her position on the sofa where he's been pacing for the last few minutes.
Eleanor pulls her legs up, hugging them to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. "I'm going to say something. Just not sure what yet."
Loki sighs, the sound more resigned than annoyed, and joins her on the couch. His arm snakes around her waist and she turns towards him, away from the crate on the floor that holds a thing she hasn't seen in a decade that is bringing back a whole boatload of bad memories that she certainly does not need right now, when her husband is on the verge of going back to the creature that gave him The Thing in the Crate in the first place.
"In all likelihood, you will need never use it. It's more for my peace of mind than your actual protection, but I want you to be able to protect yourself to the best of your ability," he murmurs in her ear, thumb rubbing her cheek.
"And you think this is the way to do it?" She shrieks a little, legs flailing out to kick the crate away.
"These are powerful creatures we are up against," Loki replies, somehow staying calm despite her shrieking and flailing. "You should have a weapon equally powerful."
"This thing nearly destroyed you, Loki!"
"No, that was the titan's doing. And my own doing, also."
His words give her a perfect opportunity to get into another fruitless argument about his plan to go back to The Void, but for once she lets the opportunity go, staying focused on The Thing in the Crate.
"You were, like, addicted to it. I was there. I remember. I saw you all shaky and withdrawly in Stark Tower."
Loki sighs again, this time with an added wince as he too remembers. "Just keep it close, Eleanor. Locked up and out of reach of the children, but close enough that you can summon it if need be. You know the magic."
Eleanor goes back to looking at The Thing in the Crate, the infamous scepter with its wicked, curved blade that sharpens into a point around the glowing blue infinity stone. It's a thing of nightmares, and simply staring makes her dinner sit uncomfortably in her stomach.
She drops to her knees, securing the crate's lid closed and flipping all the latches so she doesn't have to look at the scepter. Loki holds out a key and Eleanor locks it, a series of clicks ringing out as she turns it.
"You are no mortal," Loki whispers. "Your strength and your magic will allow you to wield it. If need be."
Eleanor's hand closes around the key. "If need be."
Eleanor spies on Peter Quill in the garden, messing around with the acoustic guitar she lent him when he got back from Midgard. She hides behind a column and listens as he teaches himself more classic rock songs, seemingly from memory.
Occasionally, when he fucks up and curses at himself, she peeks around the column, trying to see herself or Bragi in this stranger's features. He is tall and broad like Bragi, and all three of them share a nearly identical shade of blonde hair. It is hard to ignore Quill's musical talent and his blue eyes.
The farcical tale of Bragi abandoning one child to be raised by mortals and the other to grow up with space pirates is probably all in her head, but attempting to figure out if she has a brother is far preferable to getting lost in her misery and fear. She allows herself to be farcical, just for these few stolen moments.
"Eleanor?"
She squeaks and nearly trips over her own feet in her haste to get back behind the column, hidden from the fellow half-mortal. When she turns she gets an eyeful of Loki, smirking at her with his arms crossed over his chest.
He's somewhere between amused and irritated with her spying, but he seems to recognize that her Peter Quill fixation is an odd coping mechanism and leaves her to it.
Eleanor offers her husband a rueful smile. "Hey," she whispers. "Keep it down."
Loki rolls his eyes and wraps his hand around her elbow, marching her back up the stairs to their own balcony and away from the object of her surveillance.
"Where are the children?" he asks as they come to a stop, both his hands on her shoulders now, attempting to rub away the tension he feels there.
"Vali's at preschool," Eleanor mutters. Her world might be falling apart around her ears and she hates to part with her son even for a few hours, but Vali is growing up and there is no reason to rob him of the opportunity to make friends with kids his own age. "Lenara's down for her nap." She shows Loki the little sphere in her palm that works as some sort of magical baby monitor.
Loki nods and wrings his hands.
"What?" Eleanor asks. "Just tell me."
"It's time," he replies. "The plan is in place. There's no reason to dally."
Eleanor winces. "Time to try to get kidnapped, huh?"
Loki nods and Eleanor doesn't even bother to fight her tears.
"I shall take one more full day, I think," Loki says as if he's just now come to this decision. "Two more nights before I become you and start using the Bifrost in excess. Just the four of us."
"Sounds perfect," Eleanor says, even though no version of perfect ends with Loki going back to The Void.
"Oh," Eleanor says, looking up from her book when her clone comes through the door. "You're back."
Her twin just avoids slamming the door to their rooms and then shakes water from his hair before he shifts his body into that of her husband. At her feet the kids perk up at the sound of the door from where they've been playing with building blocks at her feet, but thankfully furniture obscures the view as they are trying their best not to traumatize Vali and Lenny with glimpses of their father sometimes looking like their mother.
"No need to sound so disappointed to see me," he mutters, collapsing beside her on the sofa and then flopping over, his head in her lap.
"Father!" says Vali, lurching to his feet and knocking over his tower in his haste to get to the couch. He takes hold of Loki's face between both his chubby little hands.
"Good morning, Vali." Loki's greeting comes out garbled as Vali squishes his cheeks together.
It takes Lenara a bit longer to scoot towards the couch. She grips the cushions and pulls herself up to stand beside her brother.
"Da, Da, Da," she chants.
The three of them have a very serious conversation about the progress of the construction on the floor. Eleanor watches, trying not to cry.
Eventually the kids go back to playtime with Loki promising to join them after he gets in a quick nap, settling his head more comfortably in her lap.
"I'm never disappointed to see you," Eleanor murmurs. She reaches out to run her fingers through his hair, frowning down at him. "If you're going to get kidnapped and tortured before you kill this asshole, then I just want it to happen already. To get it over with."
"I know," Loki says with a sigh. "This routine wears on me as well."
"It's been over three weeks! I know we talked about it taking awhile, but this is absurd. What do you even do all day on Midgard?"
"Doze, mostly. Your friends are all convinced by my acting and think that it is you who joins them daily, but they are very obviously concerned by your presence. They think we are on the verge of divorce. Or that you need a break from motherhood. Tony Stark seems to have figured out that something more is going on, but he refrains from asking."
"Smart guy," Eleanor murmurs. "That Tony."
"Perhaps I'm approaching this wrong," Loki says, turning to lie flat on his back as he closes his eyes. "We know from your dreams that he will take you, or me disguised as you, from the Bifrost, and so I thought the best way to achieve this would be to establish a routine of regular Bifrost use, but perhaps the titan waits for me to use a different bridge to a different world. Or maybe three weeks is nothing to an immortal and he has yet to notice that the woman he seeks uses the Bifrost near daily."
Eleanor makes a soothing, noncommittal sound as she has no fucking clue what he should do. The best way to get kidnapped quickly is not among the many things she knows.
"I can't believe I'm actively hoping you get kidnapped."
"I know. Strange, isn't it?"
After playtime and breakfast, Loki sleeps. He sleeps through Vali's lessons and Eleanor's futile attempts to get Lenara interested in walking. He sleeps through a quick spy session on Peter Quill and a strained lunch with Jane, Gamora, and company. He sleeps while Eleanor watches the sun go down in the gardens as Odin chases his grandchildren between rows of flowers.
By now, after three weeks of Loki's Try to Get Kidnapped Schedule, it's routine.
Ten minutes before they're expected to join the family in Odin's tower for dinner, Eleanor pushes open the bedroom door. Vali giggles as he races towards the bed, struggling to climb up the too-tall mattress. Eleanor deposits Lenara on the bed before giving Vali the extra boost he needs.
This is the kids' favorite part of the new routine.
They crawl on the lump of blankets that contains their father, giggling as Loki groans beneath. Vali digs around to free his father's head from the blankets and Lenara cuddles into his side.
"Wake up, Father!" squeaks Vali.
"Up!" conquers Lenara. "Up now!"
"I'm up," says Loki with a laugh and a groan. "Heavens, am I up."
They linger over dinner until Lenara drifts off in Loki's lap and Vali's eyelids get heavy. As they've done for the last three weeks, Loki spends a long time putting the kids to bed, saying goodnight when he really means goodbye because tonight he might get kidnapped and he might not make it back.
Eleanor wants no goodbye and needs no words. Instead they've taken to spending hours tangled together naked, the bond between them humming.
As she has every night for three weeks, she struggles to stay awake until it is time for Loki to change his shape and leave, but she always drifts off first.
The routine becomes uncomfortably comfortable, until it's not.
Before sunset after a routine day and a routine night, there is a knock on her bedroom door and Eleanor just knows. What a fool she was, to think that the waiting was somehow worse. Nothing is worse than this.
"Come in," Eleanor croaks out because suddenly she doesn't have the strength to get to her feet and open the door.
Thor enters first, looking grim and ancient. He's hated Loki's plan nearly as much as Eleanor, and he desperately wanted to go with the group of Einherjar tasked with helping Gamora destroy Sanctuary. It was a two-day fight with Loki before Thor finally agreed that they could not leave Asgard without both kings. Now he looks like he very much regrets the decision to let Loki go alone.
Jane is here too, wearing only a hideous, fuzzy Midgardian bathrobe. Without a word she climbs into bed with Eleanor, assuming the position that will allow Eleanor to sob on her shoulder when Thor offers verbal confirmation of what Eleanor already knows.
"It is done," Thor whispers, voice rough and gravelly. "He is taken. So it has begun."
Sobbing all over the Queen of Asgard's hideous, fuzzy bathrobe is no relief.
So I finally wrote the thing! So sorry for the long wait. Blame my wrists and my complete heartbreak that this is almost done! Letting go is hard and we've only got another chapter or two left.
For those of you that aren't done with Loki and Eleanor, I've already started an AU where they met on Asgard when Eleanor was a little kid. And yes, I know I've reached the point where I am essentially writing fanfiction off my own fanfiction.
Thank you so very much for reading!
And to the best of all betas, Heather and Erica.
Come say hi! I'm jaxington over on tumblr