Chapter Two: Social Media
"How the hell did we end up here?!"
It was a hellish plane ride from Paris to San Diego. The moment they entered Zimbabwe, and after running from the local police because Morrigan didn't pay for her meal at a restaurant might I add, the group met an anti-government militant group. Wesker got side-tracked and decided to infect random warthogs with the Progenitor virus so now the country has hostile warthogs attacking lions and crocodiles. Morrigan and Carl went to look for Wesker but they got side-tracked as well. Taking up a rifle filled with tranquilizer darts, Morrigan shot Wesker after thinking he was an endangered rhinoceros species. That being said, Wesker is currently in a steel cage with "Professor" Aensland presenting her findings to one of the universities.
"This is so fun! Oh, look, there's Dante!" Morrigan lowered her sunglasses after spotting the demon hunter eating lunch with Trish, Vergil and Lady.
"Should we go say hi to them?" Carl asked but it was too late; she was already skipping her way towards them.
"Carl, get me out of this!" Wesker called out. Carl nodded and began to slowly walk towards him with the keys.
"Dante! Dante!" Morrigan called out, closing in on the four.
"Oh God..." Dante brought up his hand to hide from the succubus.
"Who's that?" Lady asked.
"You don't want to know..." Vergil groaned.
"Dante! Dante! Hey, Dante! How come you never accepted my friend request? Like, what's your problem?" Morrigan pouted, placing her hands on her hips with a look of disapproval.
"I don't know you, lady!" Dante declared.
"What? You do!" Lady replied, earning a bewildered stare from Dante.
"See! She agrees with me!" Morrigan grinned.
"I wasn't talking to you, Lady! I meant her!" Dante pointed at the seductive woman.
"Okay, fine!" Lady and Morrigan stated simultaneously.
"Is this really happening?" Vergil looked at Trish who just shrugged.
"Go away, lady! Leave me alone!" Dante said, picking up his sandwich.
"Fine!" Lady got up and was about to walk away as did Morrigan.
"Wait! Come back, Lady!" Dante cried out, causing both Morrigan and Lady to turn around. "Not you, I meant her!"
"I'm so confused..." Lady said to herself.
"Make up your mind! Stay or go, stay or go! You're so silly!" Morrigan huffed.
"Go away, lady! You stay here, Lady!" Dante pointed at the seat next to Trish.
"Oh, my God..." Morrigan slapped her forehead while Lady gave a dumbfounded look.
"I wasn't talking to you, lady! Get the hell out!" Dante said to Morrigan but he failed to realize they were standing next to each other.
"Well, screw you, too, jerk!" Lady growled, stomping away to her motorcycle.
"Wait! Come back, Lady!" Dante was about to chase her but he met Morrigan's fist.
"You're mean!" Morrigan decided before walking back to Carl and Wesker.
"By the way, Dante is small!" Lady called out just as Dante was getting back up, leaving Vergil to stifle his laughter as Trish blushed.
"Hey!" Dante called out. He looked to his right to see Sparda looking at his own son while Eva ate on some cotton candy.
"You don't see that everyday," Sparda says.
Morrigan was fuming by the time she got to Wesker and Carl. Carl was fumbling through the keys while people took photos of Wesker in a cage. She sat on top of it as people were gossiping obviously about the trio, noticeably about the fact a giant Frankenstein's monster was trying to release a cheap blond haired rip off of someone from the Matrix and the very curvaceous succubus sitting on top of the said cage. The crowd dispersed when Wesker pulled out a machine gun from his jacket and shot at the roof but all the bullets missed Morrigan despite them all going through.
"I don't like this place, Carl! I want to get my hair done!" Morrigan decided.
"Where would you like to go, madam?" Carl inquired, stopping himself from opening the cage. Wesker reached for the keys but he was a mere inch away from it.
"I want to go to Disneyland!" Morrigan beamed a smile as she spotted several children wearing Mickey Mouse hats.
"Shall I book a room for three, madam?" Carl pulled out a cellular device, dropping the keys on the floor where a seagull grabbed it.
"FUCK NO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" Wesker shouted, shaking the cage violently.
"Yes! Get the penthouse suite and grab our bags!" Morrigan started walking a random direction with the possibility of getting lost.
"OUR BAGS ARE STILL IN FRANCE!" Wesker cried out but nobody paid attention to him. Carl was already pulling the cage and they hit a bump, causing Wesker to bounce up and hit his head, thereby knocking him out cold.
Three hours later...
"We're in Disneyland!" Morrigan called out from the balcony.
She inhaled the fresh air as she noticed several people passing by. She turned to her right and waved to her neighbors who happened to be Agent 47 from the Hitman series strangling Donald Trump. Behind him were Balthier and Fran who were having a conversation and next to them were two men who oddly look like Chris Redfield and Wesker having sex on the balcony. To her left were Nina and Anna Williams playing tug-of-war over a sweater and the Hulk sleeping on a chair with a bag of potato chips on his lap. Morrigan looked down to see a very familiar cat lady who was none other than Felicia with a group of orphans and Jackie Chan posing next to Tinkerbell. After his photo was taken, Jet Li ran behind him, punched the back of his head and disappeared into the crowd. Morrigan turned around to see Wesker with a new set of clothes. This time he was wearing a Hawaiian printed shirt with yellow shorts and crocs. He wore aviators and a Mickey Mouse hat, and he was checking himself out in the mirror while Carl was dressed in a simple white shirt with blue shorts. Morrigan decided to change into a black sleeveless dress and it was actually modest.
"I look absolutely stunning," Wesker says to himself.
"First I want to ride those teacups. Then I want to get a corndog," Morrigan began but was cut off by Wesker.
"We are taking photos with Tinkerbell and Snow White! I know Yaya Han is present today!" Wesker interrupted without looking at her.
"We can go to them later! I want to ride something!" Morrigan whined. Carl snorted.
"We'll find you a homeless person to sleep with when we come back. But for now... we go to Snow White and Tinkerbell."
"Hey!" Morrigan stated but Wesker already left the room so she and Carl followed him.
Snow White's Scary Adventures.
"Men. They only think about one thing," Morrigan said to herself while a bunch of slobby, acne covered nerds badgered Yaya Han as Snow White with numerous inappropriate questions. "Free tickets!"
"Miss Yaya Han! How big are your boobs?" some fat nerd with hilariously thick glasses and a bowl haircut asked.
"Um, what?" Yaya Han stared at the crowd.
"Piss off!" Wesker punched his way through the crowd and stood in front of Yaya Han, clearing his throat. "You, scantily clad wench."
"Excuse me?" Yaya Han gasped.
"You may use the toilet after I ask my question! If I wish upon a star, does it not make a difference on who you are or is asking for complete global saturation too difficult to ask for?" Wesker asked bluntly, silencing the crowd with the exception of a few coughs.
"Complete global masturbation!" a skinny Asian kid with horrible braces said.
"Silence, peon!" Wesker took out his modified shotgun and fired a very powerful plunger at the kid's face.
"You people are weird..." Yaya Han whispered, shaking her head.
"Hey, he looks like Albert Wesker!" some random person in the crowd says.
"I am Wesker, you fools!" Wesker stood proudly with his disgusting crocs.
"He really does look like Wesker!" said another random person.
"Yeah, I think I'm going to go..." Yaya Han began slowly separating herself from the crowd that gave Wesker a barrage of praises / annoyances.
"Get your infernal breaths away from me!" Wesker shouted, grabbing the nearest person to him to use as a bat.
"Come on, Albert! I want sundaes!" Morrigan whined.
"Hey, she looks like Morrigan from Darkstalkers!" some random nerd exclaimed.
"You mean Vampire Savior!" another corrected.
"I am Morrigan!"
Morrigan placed her hands on her hips while the male population within the vicinity gasped. One of them tried reaching for her breasts but some fat guy got in the way so the poor fool ended up groping some back fats. Unfortunately for him, he had his eyes closed so he assumed he was fondling the buxom succubus.
"Your boobs are so jiggly... and hairy..." the Morrigan fanatic said in delight.
"You people are weird! Carl!" Morrigan began floating away from the crowd.
"Where did Yaya Han go? YAYA HAN! YOU GET RIGHT BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!"
Wesker spotted Yaya Han with a complete change of costume. She was actually wearing her civilian clothing when she got spotted and she was a few centimeters away from eating a hotdog but spotting Wesker caused her to flee. Wesker ended up tackling her down, inadvertently causing the deaths of several innocent bystanders and Navi from the Legend of Zelda.
"Oh, thank you!" Link cried, falling to his knees as he sobbed uncontrollably.
"NOW TELL ME... WHEN I WISH UPON A STAR, DOES THAT MEAN..."
"Help! This psycho in hideous crocs is badgering me with questions!" Yaya screamed and several security guards began approaching the mad virologist.
Back at their hotel room...
"I'm never going to find some fun time, aren't I, Carl?" Morrigan sighed.
It wasn't even five minutes and already she found herself back in their room. She ended up watching How I Met Your Mother in Spanish but she realized she received no reply.
"Carl?"
Just outside their hotel...
"Damn it."
Carl turned around painfully slow to return back to the hotel room.
Back to the hotel room.
Morrigan was sitting on a chair reading a book when Wesker kicked the door open. His shirt was torn, his sunglasses were broken, his hair was messy and his pants were covered in dirt. Everything but his crocs were ruined. He growled as he threw his Mickey Mouse hat on the floor and began stomping on it. Morrigan didn't even bother looking at him; she just turned to the next page.
"That was a cheap rip off! I do not pay just to be hounded by a bunch of obese men!"
"I paid for the room, deary," Morrigan corrected.
"But I paid for it with my time!"
Albert sat down opposite of Morrigan, huffing as he folded his arms. Several explosions can be heard in the distance along with what appears to be dragon roars bellowing within the vicinity. Wesker glared at Morrigan and he noticed she was wearing nothing but a bathrobe and had a towel wrapped around her head. She also wore giant round reading glasses and she was reading a book, which was odd because none of the books at her manor have been touched for a few decades.
"What in the world are you reading?"
"Just the diary of Sir Francis Drake."
"Let me rephrase. You can read?"
"Shush, Wesker!"
Wesker scoffed and then he noticed several papers on the coffee table in front of Morrigan. Curiously, he got up and picked up the papers to read something written down in sloppy handwriting. It read:
Let not the world deceive thee with its beauty,
It is the dream of a dreamer, a mirage of the desert,
The cup of death will be filled for thee,
The devil adorneth it for man until death,
Their wealth did not save them,
What has become of the rulers of the Earth.
He stared in disbelief and looked at Morrigan. Apparently, she had been reading the book upside down so he flipped the table.
"You are a fraud!"
"And how am I fraud! You're just jealous because those crocs are hideous!"
"You're reading the book upside down!"
"That's how I read!"
"And how you read is utter bullshit!"
"Not when you take a look at this!"
"Oh, give me a break, wench!"
Morrigan shoved the book on his face, crushing his naval cavity with the rather thick book.
"Face. Book," Carl stated lazily the moment he saw Wesker's face colliding with the book.
"See!" Morrigan smiled.
"I can't see shit."
"You are that uneducated, then!" Morrigan laughed as she threw the book down. Wesker raised his fist and was about to hit her when he saw what she was reading. Picking up the book and reading the highlighted parts, Wesker's eyes grow large.
"This cannot be..." Wesker gasped. Apparently, the beginning of every sentenced that Morrigan highlighted had a subliminal message.
"Oh, it is!" Morrigan beamed a devious grin.
"Never gonna' give you up..." Wesker began.
"Never gonna' let you down!" Morrigan continued.
"Never gonna' run around and dessert you," Carl finished.
"NEVER GONNA' MAKE YOU CRY, NEVER GONNA' SAY GOODBYE! NEVER GONNA' TELL A LIE AND HURT YOU!" Wesker look outside of their hotel room to see a massive horde of orcs dancing to the infamous Rick Astley song.
"What the fuck is going on?" Wesker smacked his forehead.
"Disneyland is being laid siege," Carl replied.
"Being laid siege? What? What kind of a sentence is that?" Wesker stared at Carl shrug very, very slowly.
"We shall take the Big O to Twitter's headquarters!" Morrigan decided. Wesker and Carl didn't reply. They were too busy watching the carnage.
Twitter's HQ.
Captain Falcon, Ganondorf from the Legend of Zelda series, Donkey Kong and Mario are seated at a round table.
"Show me your moves!" Captain Falcon laid out some documents.
"Thank'a you so mucha' for playing my game!" Mario accepted the documents which contained the cheat codes for invincibility.
Donkey Kong and Ganondorf just shrug.
Morrigan and company.
"Gentlemen, we set sail!" Morrigan declared, her outfit changed into a pirate captain.
"And where would you like to go, madam?" Carl asked.
"More importantly, with WHAT vehicle?" Wesker included.
"We shall take that!"
Morrigan pointed at the Going Merry that Luffy and Nami just left. A few seconds later, it gets torn apart by the Black Pearl being led by Jack Sparrow. Hidden behind the Going Merry is a dingy. Actually, it was a bucket.
"You have got to be shitting me..." Wesker mumbled but Morrigan was already running to it, followed by Carl.
"Hurry along, lads!" Morrigan yelled.
"Yes, Captain Morrigan," Carl responded.
By the time the trio made it to the bucket, the entire ship emerged. Apparently, it was a submarine that looked like a shark. Wesker's jaws dropped, his arms hanging loosely in front of him while his glasses were slightly tilted down. On its side, a sign read "Bone Thugz." Morrigan was by the submarine's hatch where she waved to Wesker. Surprisingly, Carl was already entering the submarine.
"Wesker, darling! Get in!"
"This chapter of my life is all sorts of fucked up."
Morrigan sat at her captain's seat while Carl began punching random buttons to steer the vessel. Wesker was looking around when the grid coordinates revealed their path is headed directly to Italy.
"Why are we going to Italy? Isn't Twitter's headquarters based in America, you git?" Wesker questioned.
"It's called 'Murica! And who said we're going to Twitter?! You want me to follow your tweets, don't you?"
"WHAT THE BLOODY-"
"TO THE MOON, FIRST MATE FUZZY BUNNY SLIPPERS!" Morrigan interrupted. Wesker turned his head left to right. He didn't know she was talking to him.
"Who the flying horse dump are you talking to?"
"You're my first mate! Duh!" Morrigan stuck her tongue out.
"What? Shouldn't Carl be your first mate?"
"I'm just the driver," Carl replied.
"Exactly! You're driving! So YOU'RE Fuzzy Bunny Slippers!"
"Carl is the driver! He's the second mate! Fluffy Unicorn Pajamas!" Morrigan beamed a proud smile.
"Why the fuck are you in command?!" Wesker raised his fist in the air.
"Because you guys are my best friends!" Morrigan frowned. Carl turned the holographic screen on to reveal Morrigan's only Facebook friends are Wesker and Carl. Actually, Wesker kept Facebook just to play FarmVille, which explains why he has no problem being Morrigan's gardener. Wesker did not feel sad in the least but the rest of the universe went, "Awww." Even the Joker wiped away a tear before vandalizing Bruce Wayne's home. He knew he was Batman. Epic troll is always epic troll.
"You ingrate!"
"TO THE MOON!" Morrigan repeated and Carl complied, activating the submarine. Wesker flew from the sudden burst.
Morrigan's Facebook.
"Going to the Moon!" -with Albert Wesker and Carl Lurch Addams.
Carl likes this.
Bone Thugz.
"I can't wait to eat space cakes!" Morrigan clapped her hands together.
Meanwhile, Wesker tries to hang on to dear life as they sped to the Moon.
The Moon.
Sailor Moon was the heiress to the Moon Kingdom and...
Morrigan and company.
"Too long! Didn't read!" Morrigan exclaimed after her ship crashed on Sailor Moon and obliterated much of the Moon Kingdom. "Here we are! Darling, go get the bags would you!"
Carl nodded incredibly slowly as he went to fetch the bags. Wesker was still recovering from the impact as he wobbled his way down the ramp. The equilibrium between harmony and discord was fracturing so much that it drew the concern of several cosmic beings such as the Living Tribunal from the Marvel Universe and Lucifer Morningstar. Not only that, Snorks were seemingly floating in space. On the Moon. Where they die almost immediately after realizing this. Wesker adjusted his sunglasses but before he could even say a word, he was knocked unconscious by Carl albeit unintentionally. Seeing Wesker on the ground, Carl began dragging the mad scientist with him as the diabolical terrorist received continuous smacks from the Moon's rocks. A few moments later, Carl found Morrigan amid the devastation, salvaging whatever useless item she could find in their equally pointless voyage.
"This will fit nicely!" Morrigan grabbed the broken piece of a toilet seat from the ground and placed it on her head as if it was a crown.
NEXT TIME ON!...