A/N: Here's another chapter. I hope you all like it!

Special thanks to jenny crum, HotchRocks, snuggleUP, lovecm, GottaLoveCM and Christiangirl!

I don't own criminal minds!

Chapter 61: Sanity

Weeks passed by and JJ was looking over her shoulder everywhere she went. Her life had become a living nightmare, knowing that Ward was out for blood. And it didn't help that her she still wasn't back to full capacity with her shoulder. In order to be safe, JJ had been staying inside SOD with an agent watching her at all times. She knew possibilities were limited for Ward to actually find out she was now part of a black-ops group, but Jill and Adrian weren't ready to gamble with her life in any way. So her life had become extremely limited when it came to freedom. The one thing that kept her going was the thought of getting Ward. She had imagined killing him, but she knew SOD wanted him alive for information on the organization he was working for. Ward had become top priority after the hit had been put on her life.

But for JJ life had worsened since that very moment. She had no one to really talk to and confide in. She only had her colleagues. And even though her relationship with Adrian was slowly becoming more civil, she didn't want to involve him in her personal issues. Her relationship with Hotch was private. How she felt and what she felt was only her business. But with the way things had been going she was left to wonder if she'd ever see him again. Or if she would ever feel love again at all. She had never felt so lonely in her life. It had become a constant pain. So when people had left SOD to go home, JJ had managed to sneak out, taking a gun with her to protect herself in case something would happen. But she needed the fresh air, to feel a little bit of freedom before she was one again confined in the walls of her office as if she was a prisoner. As soon as she snuck out she found her car and drove to her apartment on the other side of London.

So JJ stood on the balcony, staring at the wonderful view of a dark city filled with light and empty streets. And for the first time she realized she was no longer a part of this world. Not as the person she used to be. Because she had joined black-ops, she was once again living under a different name. She was just lucky enough that the people she worked with knew her real name. She no longer had the ability to live with an entire new cover. She was sick of it and Jill had promised her a different kind of job, but with Ward on the hunt there was no other way for JJ other than to live off the grid. It was her only shot at survival.

A tear traveled down her face at the thought of Hotch being all alone in DC. But before she had chance to wipe it away, she heard a soft sound coming from within her apartment. She immediately turned around, her heart beating a mile a minute. She took her gun from the waistband of her jeans and she silently moved back into her apartment where she noticed a silhouette going into her bedroom. She raised her gun higher and froze in her tracks. ''Drop the gun!'' she said forcefully. She watched the figure turn around and felt her breath hitch when she recognized the face. The gun fell from her hand and she felt herself calm down. ''Agent Ivankov?''

Adrian put his gun away and walked towards JJ when he saw how unsettled she looked. ''Are you alright?'' he asked with honest concern for her wellbeing. ''Jill called me to inform you were missing from SOD.''

''I am sorry for worrying you. I just needed to get out of there for a moment, you know.'' she whispered. ''I felt like I couldn't breathe so I came here. I don't know why.''

Adrian stepped back into the living room as JJ sat down on the couch. He looked around quickly to make sure they were the only ones in the apartment. Without an invitation he sat down across from JJ on the edge of the coffee table. ''How are you holding up?''

''I am good.'' she lied.

''No, you're not.'' he noticed immediately. ''Look, I might not have been the nicest guy since you joined us on this Operation, but I know loss. I know how it feels and I know it can tear you apart if you let it.''

JJ jumped up from the couch in anger, not willing to talk to him about her personal life, or even her feelings for that matter. ''We should go back.''

He knew that JJ was pulling away from him. He realized they barely knew one another, but she needed to talk to someone or it was going to tear her apart. ''I know what you're going through.'' he revealed.

JJ whirled around in anger and disbelief at the fact that he made the assumption of knowing who she was and what she had experienced in life. ''Really? Do you?'' she asked in shock. ''Because if so, I would like to know how it is that you're sitting here.''

He rose from the coffee table and walked towards JJ. ''I am a human being, JJ. Just like you.'' he began, using her preferred name for the first time because their conversation was turning personal. ''There was a time in my life when I hated my job more than anything. The lies, the deception, but most of all the costs.'' he went on. ''Someone once forced me to make a choice between my country and love, and I choose my country.'' he said as his face was now filled with emotion.

The distance and coldness JJ had noticed in him before were replaced. ''Do you ever regret your decision?'' JJ asked carefully.

''I used to.'' he replied honestly. ''For about a year all I could see was her face, and the memories. But when I transferred to different agencies and moved through the ranks, I slowly started to move on. I never forgot, but I made the choice to use my knowledge and abilities to make this world a better place.'' he went on. ''Either choice would've hurt me.''

''JJ, I've killed people. I've seen innocent people die. I have seen all the evil in the world and within myself. But this…what we do…it is for the greater good.'' he continued on when JJ stayed silent. ''The choice you made was honorable.''

His words, his honesty brought the tears to JJ's eyes. It had been hell for her to keep everything inside and not to be able to talk about it to anyone. And there suddenly out of the blue, Adrian seemed to be offering her a chance to talk to him, and she was hesitating. He was her boss, and she didn't want any conflict. ''It doesn't feel honorable to me.'' she said in response. ''Yes, I walked away from him because he was in danger. But did I really want to? No.'' she went on. ''How am I supposed to continue my life?''

''We're going to catch Christian Ward, and then you'll be able to get back to your life.'' Adrian responded, hoping that Ward would be caught soon. Not only was it best for their operation, but he couldn't imagine JJ staying sane for long without the man who lived in DC. ''You will finally be able to live the life you want.''

JJ knew his words were just meant as encouragement. He was trying to give her hope, which JJ didn't really believe in anymore. She felt that by the time she could get back to her life that Hotch had probably already moved on, and she'd be too late. But instead of raising more questions she stayed silent and followed him out of her apartment to get back to safety.

Rossi was staring out the office windows from his seat as he sat across from Hotch. His eyes fell upon the brunette woman and he couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. She was extremely beautiful and had proven to be very valuable as a profiler, even though Hotch had his concerns about her true motives. But after three different cases they all knew she was more than capable and she was slowly becoming a part of the team.

''We're lucky to have her.'' Rossi commented, looking at Hotch intently.

Hotch followed Rossi's gaze and only shook his head for a short moment. ''Hmmm.'' he agreed in a soft tone.

''What's with you?'' Rossi asked curiously.

''I just have a lot of paperwork, Dave. I don't exactly have the time for chitchat.'' he shot back in annoyance. When he realized he had nearly bitten Rossi's head off, he dropped his pen to his desk and leaned back in the chair. ''I'm sorry.'' he apologized immediately.

''The new technical analyst told me you've been sleeping at the office. Your irritability is probably caused by sleep deprivation.''

''You're starting to sound like Reid.'' Hotch observed, his head jumping from the genius to JJ. It had been like that for weeks. One moment he was focused and then the next only JJ came to his mind. His entire world had collapsed and all he had left was work, but JJ's absence was affecting him greatly. He knew Rossi had noticed and that didn't make his life any easier. Not to mention that Haley had somehow gotten wind of his new relationship status and had begun calling and texting him, asking to come over for dinner when he found the time. ''I need to get this paperwork done.'' he hinted to Rossi in the hopes that the older man would leave him to it.

''Do you have any idea where JJ went? Have you found new information?''

Hotch rose from his chair in anger and defeat, starting to walk towards his door because the questions were bothering him. ''No!'' he snapped. ''I have exhausted every avenue but I have no idea where she is. So stop reminding me of her, Dave!'' he yelled.

Hotch whirled around to face Rossi right before he was going to step out of the door to leave the office. ''She's gone. She left.'' he began, his voice harsh and cold. ''She's not coming back.'' he ended and then he finally stormed out of his office. He walked through the bullpen and quickly made it to the elevators. Luckily, when he got inside he was all alone so he pulled the stop button and it came to a halt. He sank down to the floor when his knees started give out. His eyes had begun to well up and he felt himself completely falling apart. He still hadn't been able to grasp the reality of his situation. He didn't want to believe that she was actually gone. He kept believing that she'd walk through the door any moment and jump into his arms as if nothing had ever happened. But real life was a blow to the face. He hadn't seen her in nearly two months and he was reminded of the truth a little more each day and it drove him insane. He had poured every minute into tracking her down, but he came up with nothing. It was if she had dropped off the face of the earth. And it only led him to wonder if she was ever coming back. If he would ever really have the chance to put the ring on her finger. When he had given it to her it meant that he'd wait for her. He just knew there was no one else for him to be with. Waiting was his only option, but he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with such heartbreak. It would be an utter disaster. It was already tearing him apart and another week, month, or year would destroy him completely.