First of, I this was written quite a while back, but unfinished and thus unpublished. Recently I had heard a song that brought me back to the same mindset as this story and I completed it. A darker mood than normal in my stories but I hope readers will enjoy this darker piece.
I sat at my computer quietly completing reports for work tomorrow, I glanced at the clock on the bottom right of the computer: ten o'clock.
"Mio, it's getting late, perhaps we should go to bed?" I heard a voice behind me.
"Ah, Katou-san, it is a little late but I've still got a bit more work to do before I sleep, if you're tired you're welcome to go to sleep though, I'll join you when I'm done" I answered.
"Mio, but.. it's been a while" he starts.
I stop typing on my keyboard for a while and look up at him; his mouth half open and wanting to say something but not.
"I..just…" he hesitates again. After a couple moments he just shakes his head says 'good night' and turns to leave.
I sighed; we were married, I wanted to say we were happily married but I suspect that it wasn't happy for either of us. This entire time, I've just lived a regret and the price I paid for that lie. I thought when he asked me out I could love him with all my heart, just like I loved her. Fifteen years later I realize that I never have, and most likely never will love anyone as much as I loved her.
I continued working on my computer, trying desperately to not have my mind wander. Yet slowly but surely the sounds were bugging me more and more. At first the sound of the clock's ticking started to sound too loud, so I turned it off. The light from the ceiling started to seem too bright so I turned it off as well. After that even the sound of my typing became too loud for me.
I put my head on my desk and stare into the darkness. After several moments, I got up and poured myself a nice glass of wine before sitting down back at my desk. I swished it around in the glass, just watching the red liquid swirl in the glass.
"What am I doing?" I ask myself. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to forget about her, forget that anything ever could have been and yet, I sit here every night, surrounded by the darkness of my office, with wine and the memories of her. I don't even like wine, the smell of alcohol made want to gag and the wine tasted bitter to me, but they were things that she liked. I remembered her first taste of it and she told me she loved it. Something about how wine smelled good to her and how she liked the bitter taste of it. It was probably then that I realized that we were no longer kids.
I thought we were inseparable, that we would grow to be old ladies together. Yet when she disappeared she took that dream along with her, leaving me nothing but the hair band that she always wore and a life full of regrets. I wonder if we could redo this all over, would anything have changed. Would she still be here and would I still be in this position?
I bury my head in my arms on my desk. I don't want to see anything and I don't want to feel anything. Why did the wine always make me feel so much sadder and so much more broken? And yet when I didn't have it, it felt ten times worse to think of her? Was there any way I could win anymore?
I don't have the answers to it and I hate that.
"I'm sorry…" I mutter to myself, "If I said I was sorry, could you come back to me?" I asked to no one in particular. I knew that I was just asking for the impossible: She couldn't come back.
"Mama" I heard a voice say quietly.
I look up from my glass of wine to see the small figure of my five year old daughter in the door way. She looks at me awaiting permission to enter. I motion to a chair close by.
"What is it Ai? Why are you still up? You won't be able to wake up for school tomorrow" I say to her
"I had a nightmare mama… I got scared and papa is already sleeping" she says to me, "I dreamed that Ryo-chan went away, and I would never get to see her again. I'm scared mama." She says in a slightly frightened tone.
I smile to her and pat her head "It's okay Ai, it's just a dream and you woke up again. I'm sure you'll see Ryo-chan tomorrow at school, but you need to sleep now okay?" I coax her back to bed before going back to my office and pouring myself more wine. I look at the clock: 2:34
Ai had long hair like mine, she was quiet and shy, all round a cry baby; almost a reflection of me. Ryo on the other hand was very outgoing, with the way she always makes Ai cry, it reminds me of her, of Ritsu.
It's funny, although she hasn't been in my life for fifteen years now, I still feel like I see her everywhere. When I hear that laugh in Ryo, I sometimes can't help but smile sadly as it reminds me so much of my own child hood. Just by complete coincidence, Ai came home one day with a little girl who got hurt trying to make her laugh, and since, I've always felt like I see Ritsu every time I see Ryo.
How long did I sit here pondering about the past again? I didn't even know anymore. In this dark room, all I do is work and drink wine while thinking about bitter thoughts. Then I fall asleep here instead of going back to my own bed. The clocks aren't running anymore because I turned them all off. My computer is off, my phone is off. I didn't feel like getting up as I started to feel the alcohol taking its toll on me. I looked at the bottle, nearly empty. I sighed and just stared at the ceiling.
"Mio, Mio wake up. It's almost time to go to work, I've got breakfast set up already. Go take a shower now before eating so Ai won't smell the wine on you" I hear Katou-san say to me.
Another day, another meal. I think to myself as I get up off the chair and walk to the shower. I take a quick shower and pretend to be cheery again. I greet Ai as normal and I let her talk about all the things she wanted to get done today. I drive her to school and then drive myself to work.
When I get to work, the secretary at the front desks looks at me strangely, and as I sit down, my coworkers stare at me. I look around confused before looking at my calendar: Today was circled. "Ah, another year" I look at the work that needs to be done soon, put it in my bag and leave. I pick up flowers and a few of her favourite foods and visit her grave.
"Another year has gone by, and another year where you aren't in my life. In another few years, the number of years I've spent without you will catch up to and pass the amount of time that we spent together. Where has the time gone? When will I finally let go of you?" I say as I stand in front of her grave. Her smiling face on the tomb stone, shinning just as brightly as it always had in my memories.
"I'm.. sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" I say to myself in front of her as I lower myself to face her picture, the tears streaming down my face. I want to hug her, I want to see her smile again, if I hugged this rock, will the warmth I once felt when I hug her return to me? I knew it wouldn't. I knew a long time ago that I would never be able to go back to that time.
I don't know how long it had been since I had knelt in front of her grave before I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looking up I found Katou-san beside me; his face brow twisted in sadness and his eyes full of hurt, but a gentle smile trying to reassure me.
"It's time to leave, the cemetery will close soon" he says to me gently as he picks me up and starts to clean up the food offerings I brought for her. He leads me out of the cemetery to my car and drives us home, leads me into our room and he wraps his arms around me.
"It's ok, just rest for today, I'll tell Ai that you aren't feeling well. Stay strong Mio, I know you can do this" he says as he leaves. Every year, since it happened, he's done the same and I'm sure deep down he knows I don't love him and never will. Yet he continues to treat me so gently, pretending this marriage is real, just waiting for me to crack.
I crawl into bed, not bothering to change. I stare at the walls and just cry. I wish she were here to comfort me, to make me laugh, to tease me and scare me like she always had. And eventually I drift off to sleep, hoping I can one day let go of her and love Katou-san and our daughter.
How was it? Perhaps a too out of character maybe? Anyway, I was originally waiting for the summer to finished "Looking around for you" but as it turns out, it's harder to work full time and write than it is to attend school and write. Anyway, as I am not dead, that story is also not dead! I'll try to get out another chapter soon. That story too is heading towards an end, until then!
- Kaneshige Kotoshi