A/N: Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while. Here is the chapter! Wohoo! Sorry. I am living on no sleep for the last two days. Also, I've written most of this on my phone, so if there are typos, I am so sorry! But I hope you all enjoy!
*Light's POV*
I didn't want to do anything today. I felt like I was trapped in my bed. I felt like the world was crushing down on me, suffocating me. Everything hurt in every possible way that it was able to hurt. My muscles were stiff and seemed to creak like old floorboards when I tried to move them. My bones clicked like the second hand of a clock. And my heart and lungs were so out of sync that I felt like I had to mentally focus on them one at a time to make them function in any sort of way that would keep me alive.
But my mind was the worse. My mind was as barren as a desert, but as flooded as an ocean. And the migraine. It was one of the worse I had ever experienced. But I knew it wasn't a normal migraine. It was obsessive with the want. The cries and screams. I wanted that death note that kept popping up. I wanted that death note that plagued my every painfully swimming thought. I wanted that death note. I wanted it. I wanted it.
That's all I could fucking think. I wanted it! I would do anything to have it back. Amidst the wanting there was complete scolding. Mental abuse towards myself, because hours before I had been tearing the house apart. I had been looking, searching.
And I couldn't stop myself. My body had a mind of its own. My mind cried and begged, but my body searched desperately. Tore rooms to pieces, broke lamps and dishes, ruined bathrooms and sitting rooms, toppled furniture.
L was less than impressed and as a result, he had Watari clean my disasters and I was back with a chain around my wrist, connecting me to L, who was the last person I wanted to be with at the moment.
And there was the nausea. Would it ever stop? I wanted to throw up, but I couldn't bring myself to move from the bed, where I felt like I was strapped down, though was free to move about as far as my leash would permit.
But I didn't. I stayed with my face in the pillow, my fingers nervously picking at the sheet beneath me, my lungs refusing to let me get much air, though that was probably due to me laying face down and trying to smother my pain and myself with my pillow.
The cuff around my wrist burned. I knew it was in my head, but that's why I wasn't wearing more than what I had to. It burned my skin. It burned with the heat of a ferocious volcano and I wanted it off.
I want the death note. I want the death note. I want the death note. I want the death note.
My lungs ached.
I want the death note.
My skin prickled and burned.
I want the death note.
My mind screamed and pain pounded my skull.
I want the death note!
My nails clawed at the bedding.
I want that death note!
My stomach lurched, begging to be emptied.
I want that goddamn fucking death note!
I was going to go insane. That blasted typing and flipping of papers hammered my ears, making me mentally sick. It needed to stop before I stopped it for him.
My hands went to my head and pulled at my hair until my scalp prickled. but a clinking broke my hands away from my head. That stupid chain!
My free hand took hold of it and pulled and pushed, my skin swelling and growing red. Off! Off! I want it off!
"Stop," L said softly, his freezing fingers somehow hotter than the magma clamped around my wrist. And it hurt. There was a deep pain that was more than skin deep because, even if his touch was whisper soft it was bruising me.
I could feel myself twitch under his gaze. Everything seemed to twitch. My hands, legs, my eyes. Everything twitched and I wanted to dig at the muscles until I could rip them from me to stop the twitching. They were almost as bad as the typing had been.
I want the death note.
I pulled at the cuff helplessly, just feeling it bruise and tear at my skin. But it wouldn't come off and underneath the wanting of what I couldn't have, I knew that it wouldn't come off. And I knew that he was just helping and doing what he thought was right, but I didn't fucking want it.
I want the death note.
"Light, please stop," L tried again, his voice distant to me. I was within myself, blackness around me as my face pushed further into the pillow. His fingers seared my body as they pulled my other hand from the cuff. I fought against him with all the strength I could manage in my tired muscles. "Light, please. Just relax. It'll pass soon."
I looked up from the pillow, my cheeks wet with tears, though I wasn't crying. My eyes were just watering so badly that it felt like I was. And I reached out, fingers extended towards L, whose face was blank, but whose eyes held a small amount of worry in them.
I want the death note.
Maybe his touch wouldn't hurt so badly. Maybe I would push past it. Because I didn't want to be alone at the moment, but I didn't want him. But I did want him. I didn't know what I wanted from him.
I want the death note.
But before I could seek out even L's scorching touch, an overwhelming anger in my stomach ripped me from the bed and pushed me to the on suite, L stumbling after me as the chain pulled him with me.
My stomach contracted so violently that I almost had no time to reach the toilet bowl. I heaved again and once more my stomach expelled its contents. I could not move from where I knelt, one hand holding my hair from my face, the other gripping the porcelain. Weakness took over me, grounding me to the single spot. I retched until only clear liquid was coming up. My throat felt sore from the stomach acid that was layering it and my mouth tasted vile. The stomach-acid stench filled my nostrils. I surveyed the mess with watery eyes and my stomach dry-heaved again.
I wasn't going to make it. Was it almost over?
I want the death note! Please, make this stop. Please.
"Give it to me," I found myself begging through my snot, tears and dry heaves. "I need it!" I coughed, my body curling further around the coldness the toilet gave. "Make this stop!"
A hand touched my bare back, caressing me softly as my body jolted with its attempts to empty my guts. "Light, you told me that you didn't want to destroy life, remember? Everything will be alright." I could sense him kneel beside me, his hand still wandering over my back soothingly, despite the invisible bruising it left behind. "Just remember what you want. Remember what you have."
I dropped from my knees to my butt, sobbing. Both my hands were in my hair, pulling like it was my life reserve. "I'm so afraid," I whispered, coughing and rubbing at my eyes and nose. "I can't do this. Is it almost over? Please let me have it. Please!"
Arms wrapped around me and I was pulled against L's chest. He hushed me gently, his fingers tangling in my hair. There was a bit of guilt in his hold, but from what I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if it was guilt. There was too much going on in my mind for me to know exactly what L felt at the moment.
"What can I do to help? What do you need?" he asked me softly. I could only shake my head as a reply. I didn't know what would help. No. I did. I knew so well what would help. I needed the death note. That would be the only thing that would help me. Especially since my really bad withdrawals would last a day or two. I couldn't deal with this. I had finals in two days. "Would you like some water?" he tried again. I nodded before I knew what I was doing and L gave me a squeeze before releasing me and standing up so that he could get my cup from my bedside table.
I curled up on the cold tile floor, one of my arms pulled tight from the cuff, but I didn't move. My body was on fire and I wanted this cold. I wanted this cold to soothe my migraine. I wanted this cold to relieve the ache in my stomach. I wanted this cold to douse the fire that burned across my skin.
There was a deep throbbing as my pulse pushed into my wrist, but it ebbed away as L returned to the bathroom to fill up the cup he had grabbed. I was able to pull my wrist into my chest and curl up even further into a ball.
The movement felt like I was falling, but L pulled me back against him and helped me drink the water that was in the cup. As I gulped the water greedily, the frostiness dulled the soreness in my throat and spread all the way through me. The frigidness that shot through me rested my find and I was back on the tile floor and not freefalling in L's arms.
And the fire was gone, replaced by the frost of fallen snow and I shivered. My body temperature had dropped in an instant. I curled up closer to L's body, seeking his detrimental heat, but the burn I wanted to feel wasn't there. Instead it was luke warm. His skin had always been colder than mine, but this was when I needed it to be warmer and it just wasn't.
I broke into tears again, no control over my body. I was so cold. I wanted warmth. I wanted heat. I wanted to bath in ignited thermite.
"I want it," came from me, my legs twitching with the want to run for the door. To continue the search. "Give it to me."
"Would you like more water?" L questioned kindly.
I knew what he was doing. He was trying to distract, but I knew what my goal was. I was going to reach that goal. I was going to get that death note. My body would search it out, and my mind wasn't far behind. I wasn't sure how much longer my sanity would hold out. I wasn't sure how much more my resolve could take before my mind gave in, gave me what my body craved.
"Are you cold?"
I nodded and dug myself further into his chest, so far I felt him pull back slightly. I must have hurt him. But I didn't care. I needed to stay right here. I needed L to ground me in place. I needed him to keep me as far away from that stupid collection of papers.
"How about I-"
"Don't leave me," I begged, my fists taking his shirt.
My mind was melting. It felt like it was turning to liquid. No thought was straight forward anymore. It was all broken to pieces that I couldn't put in order. Incoherent. And I was shattering. I was cracking into a million shards. There was nothing I could do to keep myself together. If I tried I would just cut myself. It would be better just to let myself fall apart.
The whole world was at my fingertips and I was the reason it was crumbling. And an urgency filled me, though I couldn't tell what from. All I knew was that my chest was tight and I was wanting to do something, anything. And that overwhelming urgency was clawing up my throat and swimming in my stomach. It was consuming my insides and I didn't even know what it wanted from me.
Was I asleep? Maybe I would wake up and all of this would be over. But I couldn't have been. The worse part of withdrawing had always been the insomnia that came with the pain. This was the most tired I had ever been. And the term exhausted was being nice. I was beyond that. But sleep eluded me. I could try my damnedest to sleep through this horrible existence. It was almost laughable the way your body almost said, I don't think so. Sleep was always a distant, wonderful memory to me. And the more I tried, the further away it got.
It was torture. I can barely stay awake….or it seemed that way. It was like being awake and asleep at the same time. On a thin line between the two and I wanted sleep so badly….and it won't ease my terribly uncomfortable existence. Like a zombie. Half dead, half alive. I'm alive but honestly I could only think about how wonderful it would feel to die. It would be a relief from something like this. Back and forth, over and over.
"Light, come on," L whispered,dragging me from my mind and back to the bathroom floor. But I wasn't in L's arms anymore. I was just limbs on the tile with steam lightly beginning to fog the mirror. "This'll help get you warm." L knelt down beside me and reached out his hand, but I couldn't take it. It was so far away. Too far away.
When I didn't move, he took my bicep and pulled me up into a sitting position and then dragged me to my feet, my knees weak under me. He swiftly caught me as my legs gave way beneath me, taking all of my weight onto him.
"I'm not as strong as you, Light. I need a bit of help," he said through clenched teeth, his hands tightening around me. I did my best, but it was like my body way on auto pilot. It moved on it's own and I was no longer in charge. I moved from L's grip and to the tub, and climbed in without a second thought. L opened his mouth and I could tell he was about to say something, but stopped himself and sighed. "Next time, let's undress you, alright?"
I glanced down and saw I was in my pj bottoms. But I didn't care. The warmth of the water was edging out the frost that still covered my skin. I slipped down in the tub, sinking below the surface. The outside world grew muffled and it was like the world around me was completely silent. And a freedom filled my chest, chasing away the tightness.
I was on the top of a mountain, overlooking the whole world, arms outstretched with the wind in my air. I was free and the feeling was so warm and inviting, that I didn't want to come back to the cold reality of my pain.
My lungs ached with the lack of oxygen, but I didn't budge. I felt high and safe and the withdrawal was just a liquid passage away. But I must have stayed under the water for far too long, because something clamped around my arm and yanked me up.
A chilled breeze blew over my face as the water dripped from my hair back into the tub. I was pulled into a tight hug and could hear worried breathing. L's hands clung to me.
"I turn around for two seconds and you start turning blue," he gasped in my ear. "Don't do that to me!" I blinked several times, trying to decode what L was saying to me. "I can't imagine a world without you, Light."
"It would be very dark," I muttered. Maybe I could make him smile. I knew that this was as stressful for him as it was for me. It couldn't be easy to be on the other end. But his laugh brought back my migraine and I wanted to go back under the water again. Even for just a moment.
"You warm enough now?"
I gave a nod, hiding my face into his neck. I pulled him closer, still shivering from the coldness of my limbs that were out of the water. I was warmer, but I wanted more. These stupid cold and hot flashes.
I let go of my hold on L and rested back down into the tub, closing my eyes and resting my head against the side. I inhaled deeply, the steam clearing my head a bit. The want was still ever present, though. That gnawing, clawing, digging feeling. I wanted that death note more than I had ever wanted anything.
"Is there anything else that I can do for you?" L asked sweetly, his fingers brushing back my hair.
He must really care about me. He had so much work that he should have been doing. Including a new case that was anything but knew. It was a long gone cold case, but L had found it interesting enough to take it up. And I needed to get ahold of Adam and set up a search for the brother's house and then there was still that ordeal in Paris. Not to mention that the Kira case in Japan was still on his radar.
"Can I see your ring?" I asked softly, holding out my hand from the warm depths of the water that surrounded me. I looked over his face and gave a weak smile at his embarrassment. How cute. I wished to see that more often. I wished that I could watch the blood rush to his cheeks more.
L held out his hand to me, and I took it, looking over the shining silver band that adorned his finger. It was so perfect. It honestly looked like it belonged there. It looked like it had always belonged there. It fit him so well.
"You're beautiful," I whispered into the steamy air. L quickly looked away from me and I gave another small smile. It was so easy to make him lose his focus. If I would have known that earlier on, I would have just complimented him more. That might have gotten further than trying to seduce him had. I reached over with my other hand and took his cheek. He glanced up at me, water running down his cheek from my touch. "Thank you for sticking with me." He rested into my hand and gave a shrug. He was so easy to control.
Why did I enjoy manipulating people? They were just so easy to piece together and to tease. But L had been the most fun. He was so closed and so secretive that I just pushed. Pushed to know him, to know everything about him and in turn, pushed myself to love him. It had never been my plan to develop feelings for this amazing man. It had hurt me more than I had ever thought that it would, but now...
I was happy. Truly happy. If I could just stay with him, I would be forever happy. Even if every day was hell because of all of the horrible things that I had done, as long as he was at my side, I could make it. I would make it through this. I would be able to make it through this withdrawal, and eventually they would fade away. And it would all be because of him.
"Come closer," I muttered, pulling his hand further towards me. He gave me a confused look as I lead his hand into the still rather warm water.
"What are you doing?" he asked curiously. I leaned forward slightly and placed a kiss to his lips before pulling him towards me. He collapsed in the water and came up gasping, his hair covering more than half of his face. He pushed it aside, making it stick up more and usual and then wiped the water from his eyes. "What was that for?"
I gave him a shrug as my answer and he hit my chest before leaning up against me. I circled my arms around him. I needed to remember this moment. Because the second this water turned cold, I knew that the worst symptoms were going to be coming back. Maybe if I could hold onto this moment, the next stage wouldn't be too horrible.
"You could have told me so I didn't get my clothes wet," L grumbled, nuzzling into my neck.
"They were already wet."
He curled up into me, his body lighter in the water than it normally was. But I didn't mind. He was here to help me. To be with me through everything. Even though he didn't have to be, he was. And I loved him for it. I could never fault this man. I could never judge him because he was perfect in everyway and was completely selfless.
But before I could truly and deeply relax into this moment, something caught my eye. A leather bound, black notebook atop the counter.
My grip tightened on L. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair in the slightest. Ryuk was going to be the death of me far sooner than I wanted him to be.
My heart was racing and I was sure that L could hear it because he placed a kiss to my neck and whispered:
"Everything's ok. We'll get through this."
I wouldn't. I wanted it. Oh, I fucking wanted it. I wanted it.
Give me the fucking death note!
I don't think I had ever wanted to break a promise so badly in my life. I don't think I had ever wanted to physically hurt myself to pull from all the other pain I was feeling. And the only way that I could distract myself was to throw myself into my school work. And that was torture. I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball beside the toilet incase I got sick again.
But I still needed to study. I had finals. And I had completely forgotten about my therapy session. I needed to go to that. I really didn't want to. They always seemed to end n bad notes with me getting a migraine or getting sick in some way. I wasn't exactly sure as to why, but I had pushed it off to the excuse that it was stress.
I hardly shared private and personal information with L and I knew he was the same towards me. And it wasn't that we didn't trust each other, I think it had more to do with the respect we had for each other's lives. If we wanted to share, we would. But with a doctor who analyzed and expected every small detail of your life to be told, it wore me out. It was more than difficult. It was nearly impossible for me to do.
"Did you want to come back to bed, Light? It's getting pretty late. You have finals tomorrow, right?" L's voice said somewhere through the fog of my mind.
It took a fair amount of time before I was able to pull myself away from the textbook I was highlighting. When his words finally registered with full meaning in my brain, I glanced to the watch on my wrist.
Time had never moved more slowly than it did now. It had only been two hours. I could have bet my life on the fact that it was nearer to morning by now. And how I wanted it to be near morning.
"Tomorrow? I have another-"
"Today is Sunday, Light," L interrupted me. "You should be getting some rest. I know how tired you are."
I wanted to say that I wouldn't be able to anyways, but my mind could only focus on the date. Was today really Sunday? Did I really have to go to school tomorrow. I thought that I had another day. I thought that I had more time.
But with a sigh, I rose from my chair. I knew he was right. I should at least try to get some rest. I was 100% sure that sleep would never greet me, but again, I should at least try.
I collapsed onto the bed, hiding my face in the pillow. I felt a hand gently rub my back, and despite how uncomfortable and bruising the feeling felt, I didn't pull away. It might not have been comfortable, but it was comforting.
L had been so kind to me. Somehow, he always found the time for me. He would just drop work to help me, and I knew just how much there was for him to do. I knew first hand. I enjoyed watching work. And he could work for the rest of time and never be able to finish all of the cases that were sent to him. But he did try.
There was movement beside me and I couldn't help but jump as a kiss was placed to the back of my neck. And then another and another.
"What are you doing?" I mumbled, trying to sit up enough to glance back at L. But I stopped at how dizzy the movement made me.
"Trying to help you forget," L whispered softly against my ear. He pushed back my hair and nipped the top of my earlobe.
A slight shiver ran through me and I hear L give a slight chuckle. He pulled back enough for me to roll over so I could see him better.
He didn't look tired in the slightest, save for the dark circles under his eyes telling a different story. His dark eyes were shining kindly beneath his midnight hair. And his lips were smiling brightly.
He looked so different compared to just a few months ago. He no longer looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He no longer looked anxious or honestly dead, like a reanimated corpse.
He was so beautiful when he was smiling. I never got to see that smile enough. I never got to hear him laugh enough. Maybe soon,I would get to see that more. Maybe, when these few big cases were done, then I could make him happy like this all the time.
I reached out my hand to him, cupping his cheek and pulling him downwards towards me. I didn't pay him enough attention. I didn't love him enough. I didn't praise him for his accomplishments. I needed to give him more. I needed to show him more. He deserved that from me. He deserved more than anything that I could ever give him, and he gave me more than I could ever hope to return.
If I could just show him how much he meant to me. If I could just let him feel how much I loved him, how special he was to me.
I placed a kiss to his lips, pulling him down, closer to me. I would show him. Somehow, he would know how badly I needed him in my life. He would realize that he had saved me with. His never ending kindness and understanding and second chances.
I knew I didn't deserve any of that after all of my sins. After every life that I had ever destroyed. After ever family I had torn apart. After how much I had hurt him...
Why did it take his death to wake me up? Why did it take losing something that I dearly loved for me to snap back to reality? Why couldn't I come to earlier? I could have saved so much pain. I could have saved so much trouble.
But here he was, loving me unconditionally. Loving me with all his heart. Loving me enough to agree with a silver promise that he would spend the rest of his life with me.
Ungrateful, greedy, undeserving me. Addicted, murdering, monster me.
Would... This physical act display how much he meant to me? Or... Did I need to find something that was somehow more intimate? Whatever it was, I would find it. I would show him everyday that I loved him. I would buy him flowers and kiss him goodbye. I would cook him breakfast, and make sure he took care of himself when cases became too much.
I would do everything I could to make sure that he was happy, and smiling and laughing. He deserved at least that
"I love you, Lawliet."