I don't know why I pushed Zechs like I did. I mean, I knew it was stupid. I had been beaten, tortured, raped, and drugged for years, and now I was making a big deal about cleaning the house? Even I knew it was idiotic, especially with all the freedoms I was being given.
But there was another part of me, a deeper, darker part, that couldn't live like that. "What happens," he said, "when you slip up, like you eventually will, and this guy turns into another one of those asshole masters who beat you? Hm? Are you just going to be careful not to slip up? Will you just make yourself perfect so that you don't ever make him mad? Then you'll be just as whipped as the rest of the slaves! You think he's being nice by giving you all these toys, but really he's just getting you addicted to nice things so that he can take them away. Instead of being afraid of pain, you'll be afraid of a lack of pleasure. Know what that makes you? Whipped and insane." I knew better than to listen. I knew this voice was just screaming my insecurities. But, in the end, I did listen. I pushed Zechs both to prove to myself that I wasn't scared, that I hadn't been beaten, and to see just how far I could go before Zechs snapped. I was trying to test my limits, so to say, but the only way to find out where they ended was to cross them and deal with the consequences on the other side. A vicious circle, ne? In order to find my boundaries I would have to exceed them.
I have to give Zechs credit. He found an answer to nearly unsolvable problem. I mean, my life has made it so that there are nearly no punishments that have any kind of affect on me, and yet Zechs found the one that would make me bend. I had to give him credit, even if I did think he was an asshole.
I walked on eggshells for the next few days. I tiptoed around the house, quiet as a mouse, trying to avoid Master and barely speaking to Heero. I was terrified that Zechs would see me do something wrong and punish Heero, and I just couldn't face Heero hating me. So I didn't face him at all.
It wasn't like I hadn't been through this before. Other masters had punished all of the slaves if I got in trouble. I had been outcast and alone in those houses, constantly watched and tormented. Those were the times I had been most alone, when I had most wanted to give up. At least in this house I had found friends, and even if Heero began to hate me I was sure the others would at least tolerate me. And it wasn't even that Master was really hurting Heero, because Heero could take the kind of punishment Even with his harsh punishments, Zechs was still very light.
It just... it was different. I was so used to watching out only for myself, and for so long I hadn't had a single person that I could call a friend, that now I was desperate to keep the few friends that I had. In the same way, I was terrified that Zechs would take them away, or take me away from them. And when I got scared, I got angry. So I lashed out. I tried to hurt him before he could hurt me. But I never meant to get Heero involved.
It was Heero's involvement that really made me quit. Zechs and I could have gone on bickering forever without ever gaining headway to one side or the other if Heero hadn't been involved. But I wouldn't sacrifice Heero, who had always stuck his neck out for me, for some petty fears and even pettier bickering. I mean, doing the dishes and moping the floor was nothing to me. Just... nothing.
It was the barn that was still something. The barn was probably what had spawned the first fit of arguing, which had then spiraled out of control. No matter what I did, I just couldn't shake this bad feeling every time I went in there. The barn was huge, but I would suddenly feel claustrophobic once inside. It would begin to feel like I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to say anything, though, because I knew I'd either sound nuts or scared. I mean, if I said the barn was haunted I'd certainly sound nuts, and if I said it was creepy I'd just sound like a wimp. So I just walked out, didn't say anything, and got in my first fight with Zechs.
After Heero became my whipping boy, though, there was no escaping. I wouldn't risk making Zechs mad by simply avoiding the chore, and I felt less than ever that I could talk to Zechs about it. So, on the day after our punishment, Heero and I found ourselves standing outside the barn, ready to start a few hours of semi-strenuous work. Heero started for the barn, but I hesitated.
"You're not going to start this again, are you?" Heero wondered, turning back to me. I could tell instantly that he was annoyed, and I didn't blame him.
"Nah," I said, brushing it off. "I won't leave you alone in there, buddy. It's just..." I trailed, staring at the dark, uncovered windows of the old barn. They looked like gaping mouths.
"It's just what?" Heero snapped, still kind of pissed. As I said, it wasn't like I could blame him.
"Don't you... I mean, do you ever get the creeps while you're in there?" I asked, hoping he'd say yes, but betting he'd say no. Still, if Heero felt the same way, then maybe I could convince him to talk to Zechs. If anyone could convince Zechs that we shouldn't be working on the barn, it would be Heero. However, as I predicted, Heero frowned and shook his head.
"That's ridiculous," he replied. "The building is stable and solid. There is no reason for any feelings of pessimism."
"I'm not being pessimistic, I'm saying it's creepy. Like... like it's haunted or something," I said, making a last ditch effort not to go into the barn. This time, Heero actually growled.
"Stop being an idiot," he snapped angrily. "If we don't start soon Master is going to come out. We don't have time for your shenanigans."
"Fine," I sighed and followed as he stormed into the barn.
Our job, once inside, was to pull down old, rotten boards in preparation to put up the new ones. The infected boards were each marked with a red X and were scattered through the first and second floors. I took the bottom floor and began to pry the boards down with a crowbar, while Heero took the top floor and the hammer.
Heero may have called me stupid, but I still couldn't shake the eerie feeling of something being wrong as I began to take the boards down. The air was too thick, yet it was somehow stifling just as it was also too thin and hard to breathe. I was edgy and jumpy, and I had a terrible time focusing on the task at hand. The blood was pounding in my ears and I had a terrible headache, but I knew Heero and I would both be in trouble if I just quit, so I forced myself to work where I had previously given up. By focusing only on the movements of the crowbar and the boards and by counting down how many I had left to go I was able to keep myself moving.
At least, that is, until whatever force lurked in the old, dark barn suddenly attacked, and I found it impossible to breathe.
I grabbed my throat instantly, but there was nothing around it that I could touch. I struggled and coughed, managing only to get tiny gasps of breath. I tried to yell for Heero but I couldn't get the oxygen needed for more than a whimper. My vision began to blur and my ears rang as I stumbled around, trying to get oxygen into my lungs. Eventually I fell and knocked something heavy over, but I wasn't overly concerned with what it was at the moment. I writhed on the ground just trying to fill my burning lungs.
The sound, though, must have alerted Heero to my distress, because in the next moment I felt his hand on my shoulder. He forced me to my knees, yelling something that I couldn't make out. In the next minute he grabbed me by the waist and struggled to haul me to the house. He was still screaming, but the ringing in my ears once again drowned it out. My vision began going gray as the world lurched to and fro with Heero's panicked movements. In another moment there were more hands, and more voices, but I was too far gone to recognize them. I was too far gone to care.