Gibbs stared at the calendar on his desk. Today marked the third month since DiNozzo had been sentenced to life in prison and it also marked yet another day that he had failed to prove Tony's innocence. There had to be something that he was missing; something that could make the difference between freedom and Tony having to spend the rest of his life behind bars. What was he overlooking? He despised the fact that he was going to have to face Tony and once again tell him that he had hit another brick wall while chasing down leads that had ultimately led to nowhere.
Of course, he wasn't sure that Tony would even see him. DiNozzo had only honored his request to see him twice since the sentencing but that didn't stop Gibbs from making the weekly trip to the prison just on the hope that Tony would change his mind and talk to him. His former agent's refusal to see him had greatly concerned the team leader and was a constant source of worry. He could only imagine the younger man's frame of mind; Gibbs knew that Tony had wanted him to forget about him and had been trying to push him away even before the sentencing. However, he couldn't give up on Tony; he couldn't give up on his son. Now he just had to convince DiNozzo not to give up on himself and that was going to be easier said than done; the last time Gibbs had actually seen his former agent, Tony had seemingly accepted that he was never going to see the outside of the prison walls ever again.
He allowed his mind to drift back to their last conversation, which hadn't gone well at all. During that time, Tony had only been allowed thirty minute visits unless it was with his counsel; unfortunately they had spent most of that last visit arguing, something that the agent had been kicking himself over ever since that day. Gibbs had learned that DiNozzo had dismissed his attorney and the team leader wanted to know why. The agent had been frustrated with DiNozzo for apparently giving up, and looking back, he supposed that his mood had reflected the disappointment that he felt not only in Tony but in himself as well.
His annoyance turned to anger when Tony had entered the room sporting several bruises on his face; Gibbs also noticed the abrasions on DiNozzo's knuckles indicating that Tony had fought back, a fact that both relieved and troubled the older man. He knew that this hadn't been the first brawl Tony had ever been in during his incarceration, but it was the first time that Gibbs had seen the evidence of a fight.
***flashback***
Gibbs' first instinct when he saw Tony's battered face had been to demand to know who the hell had used his former agent for a punching bag, but a second look at DiNozzo forced him to tamp down his anger. Tony's jaw was clenched tightly and his piercing gaze had silently pleaded with him to let it go; that was the last thing that Gibbs wanted to do but he wasn't about to waste the few minutes that he had trying to pry the details from Tony's obviously sealed lips.
He cursed the plexiglass separating him from Tony; it wasn't the first time he wished he could truly ascertain the younger man's well-being but had been prevented by the physical barrier between them. It was definitely not the only thing keeping them apart; the emotional barrier that was being erected between them was fast becoming just as insurmountable.
DiNozzo picked up the phone. "Gibbs," Tony curtly greeted.
"How ya doin', Tony?"
"I'm fine."
That was the lie that Tony always gave him. Gibbs wondered what it was going to take to get DiNozzo to admit that he was anything but fine; this time the physical evidence that contradicted Tony's declaration was evident on his stoic features. "Those bruises on your face say otherwise," Gibbs pointed out.
"Don't even start, Gibbs," the younger man warned. "If that's all you came for, you can leave now."
"Tony, I can't sit by and do nothing while you're apparently getting the crap beat out of you," Gibbs exclaimed, the rage he was feeling began to churn inside him.
"I can take care of myself," Tony growled.
Gibbs was taken back by the primal ferocity of Tony's words. Prison was already changing DiNozzo; he was fast becoming a shell of his former self, bitter and hardened by the harsh realities that he faced daily. Gibbs was losing his son and there was nothing he could do about it; it was that realization of helplessness that truly scared him.
Perhaps his fear was what caused him to lash out at the younger man; an action that he would instantly regret as soon as the words escaped his lips. "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" he snapped. "It sure doesn't look like you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself! What the hell's going on in there?"
He didn't back down from the daggers that Tony was shooting at him through his unforgiving orbs; Gibbs could see the anger and betrayal etched on DiNozzo's expression and the former Marine immediately knew that he had just crossed the line. Gibbs could see the tiny muscles in Tony's jaw throbbing as DiNozzo sat contemplating what the next move should be. The older man knew Tony was deciding on if he should get up and walk out or if he should stay and continue their conversation; Gibbs knew he had to convince him to stay.
"Tony, I'm sor…"
"Don't apologize," Tony coolly stated.
"Forget about the rule; I owe you an apology."
Tony shook his head. "No. No more apologies; just save your breath. I can't handle it anymore, Gibbs. You, Abby, McGee, Ducky; every time anyone comes, you all waste five minutes apologizing for not being able to get me out. I can't deal with it; I've got to concentrate on other things besides a false hope that I'm going to get out of here. You've spent enough time worrying about me; get on with your life and then you won't have to worry about what the hell is happening in here."
Gibbs inwardly winced as Tony threw his words back in his face; he supposed that he deserved the venom from Tony's sharp tongue. "We've had this conversation before, Tony; we know you're innocent and that's enough for us. You can't give up, because we haven't."
He saw the slight tremor in Tony's hands and Gibbs realized that DiNozzo was struggling to keep his emotions at bay. Gibbs knew that the man sitting across from him couldn't afford to show any weakness in front of the guards or the other prisoners; the price of feeling was too high.
"I already have, Gibbs. I can't do it anymore," Tony wearily sighed. "The only thing I can do now is survive and believe me, lately there've been a few days that I'm not so sure I want to do that, but I don't have a choice."
"Tony, I know it's hard but…"
DiNozzo smacked the table with his hand; it was the most emotion that Gibbs had seen Tony exhibit in the past few months. "You don't know anything, Gibbs! You don't know anything!"
Gibbs visibly bristled at the gauntlet that Tony had just thrown. He knew DiNozzo was trying to push him away and he wasn't prepared to walk away without a fight. "I would if you'd tell me what's going on!"
"Why? There's nothing you can do! You can't watch my back in here! I'm the only one who can do that!"
"Tony…"
Before Gibbs could try and reason with Tony, the guard came over and told DiNozzo that he had two more minutes and the team leader didn't want to spend it arguing. "Tony, just hang on a little longer," he pleaded. "Don't shut us out."
"Just forget about me; tell everyone to forget about me. You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me."
He saw the guard tap Tony on the shoulder indicating that his time was almost up. This visit hadn't gone at all like he planned; there had to be a way that they could talk more than a few minutes at a time. Gibbs made a mental note to see if he could somehow pull a few strings to extend their visitation.
"I gotta go," Tony announced.
Gibbs realized that he was going to have to change his approach if he was going to prevent Tony from getting up and walking away before their time was up. "You've still got another minute," he pointed out.
"I don't have anything else to say."
Tony was shutting him out and Gibbs had no idea how to handle the fact that his friend no longer seemed to trust him. There was a time when DiNozzo would tell him anything; at one time, he knew Tony better than the young man knew himself. He couldn't believe that so much had changed, especially in the past few months.
"Can you answer one more question for me?"
"What?"
"Why'd you let your lawyer go?" Gibbs inquired.
"The funds have run out, Gibbs. I can't afford her and besides, I really don't need her services anymore."
"I…"
"Gibbs, leave it alone. The sooner people forget about me, the better off they'll be."
Gibbs leaned forward, desperate to see a sign that Tony was still willing to fight for his freedom. "Sounds like to me that you're feeling sorry for yourself."
"Is that what you think?" Tony challenged.
"Prove me wrong," Gibbs shot back.
He saw Tony acknowledge the guard who had indicated that his time was now up. "Time's up."
"Think about what I said; I'll see you next week," the team leader promised.
"Don't waste your time; just stay away." Tony hung up the phone and slowly rose from his chair.
After DiNozzo had disappeared through the door with the guard, Gibbs stood and turned to leave. The guard who had granted the team leader access to the visitation room stepped in his path. "You don't get it, do you Agent Gibbs?"
Gibbs glared at the guard. "Excuse me?"
"Everybody in this place knows DiNozzo was a cop. You keep showing up and reminding everyone that he's still got ties to the brotherhood; let's just say that the other inmates don't take too kindly to that. Life in prison hasn't been good to your boy," the officer stated.
"Can you give me names?" Gibbs pressed.
"Doesn't work that way, Gibbs. Maybe you should do as DiNozzo has asked and stay away."
"I can't do that."
"Then you're the one signing his death warrant."
"What's that supposed to mean?" the team leader demanded to know.
The guard opened the door and motioned for Gibbs to leave. "Have a nice day, sir. I guess we'll see you next week."
"Wait a minute, you can't…"
"This isn't your turf, Agent Gibbs. Have a nice day."
The door closed and Gibbs reluctantly proceeded to the area where he had checked his weapon. Making his way to his car, the agent couldn't help but consider the guard's words; was his presence truly making Tony's life even more difficult that it already was? Should he honor Tony's wishes and stay away? He shook his head as he pushed those thoughts aside. Gibbs knew that he couldn't permit Tony to face the future alone; despite DiNozzo's efforts at pushing him away, he intended on remaining firmly planted by Tony's side.
***end flashback***
Every subsequent week since then, Tony had declined to see him; he could only hope that today would be different. Gibbs was discovering that he was beginning to understand how DiNozzo was viewing his circumstances and he couldn't blame him for his actions or for the last words he had uttered. He buried his face in his hands as the anger welled up in him. Gibbs despised the powerless feeling that had been consuming him the past months; as time marched on, so did the possibility that Tony would spend the rest of his life in prison.
Months of pent up rage erupted as he took his arm and cleared his desk in one fell swoop. "Damn it!" he roared, not caring about the stares that he was receiving from his own team.
Pushing himself to his feet, he grabbed his coffee and headed towards the elevator, tersely ordering McGee to clean up the disaster that he had just created.
"Where are you going?" McGee nervously asked.
"Lab."
As he started to push the button to call the elevator, the doors opened and he was nearly bowled over by Abby, whose unbridled exuberance gave him a glimmer of hope that she had found something. "You've got something?"
Gibbs saw the tears well up in Abby's eyes. "I think I've got something." The forensic scientist had been working even harder than he had trying to find something that would clear Tony's name. She had taken DiNozzo's arrest and sentencing personally because it had been her evidence that had convicted him; Abby had been relentless in her effort to prove Tony's innocence and judging by her expression, it looked like her hard work was about to pay off.
"You think? What is it?" he asked.
He followed her as she grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the elevator. "Come on! I have to show you!"
For the first time in a long time, Gibbs was starting to feel that things could possibly be starting to look up for Tony; perhaps he would be able to deliver some good news to DiNozzo and that would hopefully inspire the younger man not to give up. With a renewed sense of purpose, Gibbs followed Abby into her lab and stood beside her as she began frantically typing on the keyboard in front of her.
"Show me what you've got, Abs."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tony DiNozzo took the towel and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He had just finished his morning workout, an event that had become a ritual to him, providing him with something to focus on besides his current situation. Tony had quickly discovered that if he was going to survive he had to be strong physically and emotionally; he had purposefully buried his emotions, locking them away forever so they couldn't be used against him.
The first few fights that he had been in had taught him that he couldn't show any weakness and that he could expect a heap of trouble from everyone because he had been a cop. Although he was usually kept separated from the general population, there were several times a day when he was forced to mingle with the other inmates. Tony tried to keep a low profile but found it to be nearly impossible; if it wasn't the inmates harassing him, then it was the guards and it seemed like lately, things were getting worse. DiNozzo figured that he wouldn't have to spend life in prison; if the guards and inmates continued to have their way, he would be dead long before then.
Survival of the fittest had become the name of the game and it was a game that the rules were self explanatory. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he had changed, not out of desire but out of necessity; Tony knew that he was losing himself a little more each day. Pretty soon, he knew that there would be nothing left of Anthony DiNozzo; all that would remain would be Inmate 675962.
He studied his reflection in the mirror. Tony could barely stand to look at himself anymore. His physical appearance had changed greatly; his muscles were now more defined, his hair was a little longer than it used to be and he usually kept a two or three day growth of a beard. He wanted to hide any remains of the man he used to be; Tony had to focus on the man he was forced to become.
Glancing at his calendar, he noted that today marked the third month since his sentencing. Tony also was aware of the fact that it was Tuesday and that meant that Gibbs would more than likely be making an appearance. He had refused to see him for over two months but the team leader continued to show up for a weekly visit and would more than likely do so again. The sight of Gibbs and of his other colleagues was too painful a reminder of what he had lost and could never get back. During that last visit, Tony had all but dropped to his knees and begged for Gibbs not to come back, but the team leader still refused to listen.
Tony was forced out of his musings by the sound of his door unlocking. He quickly turned around as the guard entered the cell. "What do you want, Banks?" Tony growled.
"It's time to go to the courtyard; got to get your fresh air," the officer sneered.
"I'll pass."
"Not an option. Let's go."
Tony threw his towel on his bunk and started to exit his cell; Banks stopped him and ordered his hands to be put in front of him. "What the hell?" Tony asked. "You're cuffing me to take me to the courtyard? I thought we were beyond that."
"Just shut up and move, DiNozzo."
He had a feeling that he was about to be cast into the lion's den, but he doubted that the Lord would shut these lion's mouths. Banks escorted him down the corridor to the door that would lead to the courtyard. Tony noticed that several of the cells that should be occupied were empty, causing warning klaxons to sound in head; it was obvious that he was being set up…again. Bringing his cuffed hands up, he elbowed the guard in the gut and then kicked the man's legs out from under him; unfortunately, that was the only two blows that he had been able to get in before he was tackled to the floor by another guard.
Banks managed to get to his feet and open the door as Tony struggled against the other officer. He was thrown into the courtyard and he quickly stood to his feet. As he looked around, he noticed that he couldn't see any of the guards that were normally posted around the vicinity, causing DiNozzo to mutter a curse under his breath. Tony immediately knew that things had gone from bad to worse as a group of inmates encircled him; he could tell by the feral look in the men's eyes that they intended to kill him or worse.
He took a defensive stand the best he could and for the first time in a long time, Tony silently wished that Gibbs would walk through the door.
You guys are amazing. Thank you for adding this story to your alerts and favorites! I also want to especially thank those who read and those who took the time to leave a review; it truly inspires me to keep writing. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Thanks to AZGirl for the outstanding beta! Any remaining mistakes are mine.