The day after my treatments ended I slept until two in the afternoon, woke, and felt a million times better. Then I got up, took a shower, and felt a million times better than that. I even went downstairs and got something to eat, even though I hadn't felt like eating much the last couple of days. By the time all of that was over I felt so good that I though I'd see if I could find Wufei, to ask about catching up on all the lessons I'd missed. It was after three, and I knew Wufei always practiced calligraphy in the library from three to four, so I went upstairs to talk to him.
I wasn't, of course, all that interested in making up my reading lesson, which Wufei had magically turned into a reading, writing, comprehending, math, science, and history lesson all balled into one. It was bad enough the I had to sit through all these boring classes, but Wufei actually expected me to apply myself. For what? I mean, I was a slave. Slave! Why would I need to know how to read and write? Some owners forbade their slaves from knowing such skills, because it made it easier for them to escape. But I already had enough reading and writing skills to make an escape, so what would I need any more for? Especially with so few opportunities to escape presenting themselves to me. It boggled my mind that Zechs would ask Wufei to give me these classes, and even more so that Wufei would get so enthusiastic about teaching them. But, really, what the hell, eh? If Wufei wanted to torment himself by tormenting me, that was alright. And some of the stuff was really neat, if I felt good enough to put some effort toward it. It would make Wufei happy to see me take some initiative in my learning, but it would make me even happier to take some initiative in my Wrestling Mania video game. So, if Wufei could teach me, great. If he couldn't, even better.
The trouble was, when I went upstairs to talk to him, he wasn't there. It confused me, because Wufei was never late, and yet his quills were still neatly stacked and dry, untouched for the day. I was a little worried, because Wufei was so stern and punctual, that I was afraid he might be in trouble. My video game called to me like a siren, but I ignored it. My heart wouldn't let me go until I was certain Wufei was alright.
So where else would Wufei be? The first place I would always look for Wufei was the library, since he loved to curl up with those books of his if he had any spare time at all. Unfortunately, I was already in the library, and it was obvious that Wufei was not here. So where was the second place to look for a missing FeiFei? The studio seemed like the next logical place to look, since it was where Wufei practiced both his dance and fencing routines. Sometimes Wufei would get so into a new move or routine that he would completely forget the time, so if he wasn't lost in his reading that seemed like the only other place he would spend time in. If he weren't there, I'd probably have to search the rest of the house, because he was about equally likely to be anywhere else. Of course, if he wasn't in the studio I might just have to give up and take a nap. My energy reserves were still pathetically low, and I had drained them a lot climbing the stairs from the second to the third floor. There was a good chance I would finish them off descending the stairs all the way to the ground floor.
But, stubbornly, I pushed myself to make the trip down the stairs, calling myself a baby when I felt too tired to go on. I almost stopped on the second floor to take a nap, as my bed seemed to be calling to me once again, but I liked Wufei and wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. I was hesitant to admit it, but I had a bad feeling about Wufei being missing.
Stupid, fucked up, backwards instincts. That's the last time I ever listen to my sixth sense.
Anyway, I made it to the bottom of the stairs, huffing and puffing, and dragged myself all the way to the studio. I even stopped at the bottom of the stairs to rest a moment, buying them some extra time, but it just wasn't enough. I got to the studio, pulled open the conveniently unlocked door, and was met with the sight of Zechs and Wufei, both buck-ass naked, spooning like a pair of kittens on the studio floor.
"Holy shit!"
"Duo, I can explain!" Zechs said, looking surprised and barely awake.
"Holy shit!"
"Duo, it's not what you think!" he tried again, trying to turn toward me without turning around and revealing his... ah... attributes.
"Holy shit!"
"Duo, shut it!" Wufei snapped from where he was curled beside Zechs.
"Wufei! A-are you alright?" I asked, finally managing to get a coherent thought into my head.
"I was better before somebody woke me up," he said grumpily, curling closer to Zechs chest and repositioning Zechs' shirt, which he was using as a blanket. "What are you even doing here?" he asked.
"I..." I stumbled, my brain unable to keep up with the situation. "I wanted to... to make up my school work..."
"Now he takes an interest in his studies," Wufei grumbled, rolling his eyes. He yawned again, then laid his head back on Zechs' arm. "If you want to make up your work we can schedule some time on the weekend, when you've rested a little more. Otherwise you don't have to worry about it, and we'll just continue where we left off on Monday," he responded, his eyes already closed.
"But... I mean... what about..." I said, gesturing rapidly with my hands to convey what I couldn't quite get my head wrapped around verbally.
"What about what?" Wufei snapped, opening his eyes and leaning over Zechs to see me.
"About... this!" I replied.
"What about it?" Wufei asked. "Zechs and I had sex. There's nothing more you need to know, and even that is none of your concern."
"But... I mean... Did he force you?" I asked, suddenly finding my footing in this very uncertain territory. My words became more sure as I realized what needed to be asked. "Did he hurt you?"
"I am right here," Zechs mumbled, but we ignored him. This was between Wufei and I, and I had thought I would be rescuing him, but Wufei's eyes suddenly turned fierce and angry, and I felt like I was the one in the wrong here. Like I had stepped over some kind of invisible boundary. All traces of sleep were suddenly gone from Wufei's face, and he turned to face me squarely, his eyes ablaze.
"Don't belittle this for me," he growled, his tone almost making me step back. "I chose to sleep with Zechs, and he was an excellent lover. I can make my own choices, and I will deal with the consequences on my own. I don't need you to save me, especially from a master who has never shown any aggression toward any of us. I don't need you tainting this or any other encounter I might have with bad memories. Now, I'm only going to tell you this once: Stay out of it. This is none of your concern."
I was frozen in place by those angry eyes and heated accusations. I had only been trying to help, but everything he had said was true. I was... I was using my own experiences to prejudice all other sexual experiences for anyone, and what right did I have to do that? I had been happy with a master before, and just because my happiness had been taken away didn't give me the right to spoil it for the others. Was I truly such a bad person that I couldn't allow others to find their happiness, when I had already had mine? Just because I hadn't been strong enough to keep my happiness didn't give me a right to take away theirs. I suddenly couldn't look at Wufei, and turned my eyes away. I felt small... and dirty.
"Wufei," Zechs soothed, pulling the smaller boy to lay against his chest. "That was far too harsh. Duo was only worried about you," he said gently, and I saw Wufei's eyes fall. Just like that, all the anger drained out of him and he was suddenly filled with remorse.
"I know..." he sighed softly, leaning into Zechs' embrace. "I just... I was so happy before. I don't want anyone, ever, to think badly about what we did. You were... wonderful. I want to keep that memory with me always, clean and untainted, no matter what happens. If... if something did happen, memories are all I know I can keep, no matter where I go, and no one can take them away. I just want to keep this one perfect, that's all. I just... I'm sorry, Duo," he said a little louder, turning to me. "I overreacted, and I shouldn't have. I know you were just looking out for me. Can you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive," I replied, trying to get my signature smile back on my face. "And I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions just because... well, anyway, sorry for walking in on you two. I'll just be going now," I said, then dodged out the door before they could say anything.
I wanted to run away. I wanted to get as much distance between us as I could. The edge of the yard might have been far enough, or I might have given in to temptation and ducked into the woods. I would have liked to run forever. I only made it to the den before my body gave out. I barely made it to the couch before I was too exhausted to go any further. If only my mind were as tired as my body, I thought morbidly. My body was too tired to move, but in my mind so many thoughts bounced around that it was impossible to grasp just one, and eventually I just closed my eyes and tried not to think.
It was several minutes later that I heard cautious footsteps in the hall approaching. I wasn't surprised to see Zechs enter the room, his hair still mussed from sleep, his clothes wrinkled and disheveled, smelling of sweat and... Something I couldn't think of without bringing out too many bad memories to control. Safe to say, he looked like anyone would expect him to look given the circumstances. He sat down in the chair across from me, close enough to speak but far enough to keep me from getting antsy. It was a larger space bubble than he usually allowed me, but he was well aware of how I reacted to sex, and the extra space was probably a wise precaution.
"Do you want to talk?" he asked quietly, neither demanding nor hesitating.
Did I? I needed to. I felt like my head was about to explode with everything inside. I needed to talk for days, until my tongue swelled up and my jaw fell off. But how could I? How could I tell him that I was jealous of what he and the others had found? How could I tell him that I was too afraid to let him get close enough to help me? How could I tell him that it hurt me to see them together, any of them, knowing that they had found their happiness, and I had lost mine? How could I tell him that I was weak, and broken, and that I hated him for what he was but I wanted what he had given the others all at the same time? How could I explain to him that I trusted him and feared my master, when they were both the same person? Yet I wanted to tell him, because the answers to these questions eluded even me, and maybe he could help me find the answers. Maybe just having someone else know what was going on would ease some of my pain.
But I was too afraid. Afraid that Zechs would turn out like all the other masters who had been kind for a while. Afraid that if I let him in it would be more painful when he threw me away, like all the others had. Afraid that if I let him see who I really was he wouldn't want me any more, and I wouldn't even be able to watch the others' happiness, let alone seek my own. I was afraid of him, and I was afraid of myself.
"No," I murmured sullenly, curling into myself.
"Are you sure? It's alright to talk to me, you know. Or I could get one of the others, if you'd prefer."
"No. I'm tired," I told him, and it was true. I was tired and so very, very weary.
"Oh. Alright then. I'll send Heero to wake you for dinner," he said, then rose and left.
Alone, curled on the couch and miserable, all I wanted to do was to cry myself to sleep. But sleep came more quickly than my tears, so even that solace was lost to me.