Chapter 5: Innocent

I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath

Lost your balance on a tightrope

Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days

Always a bigger bed to crawl into

Wasn't it beautiful

The school bell rang with a loud clang. A distant reminder of where she was, and that today was the first day of school. Her junior year of high school. The noise forced its way inside of her head like an incessant song, ringing to the beat of her heart. Her pulse was racing, her palms clammy, and her mind was frantic. Clary had never had a problem with crowds before, she lived in New York after all, but right now the unyielding stampede of students around her made her antsy. She was feeling nauseous and uneasy, her skin crawling with the dread. Someone would know. They would read it on her face like they were reading pages from a book. There would be pointing and laughing and everyone would know. They would know that she was dirty. That she was tainted. It was almost too much to bear, what would they all think of her? These thoughts all kept repeating in her mind, an endless vicious cycle.

She was going to throw up.

Clary shrunk in on herself, trying to avoid touching as many people as possible as she raced to the bathroom. She raced passed a multitude of people with smiling faces and vibrant backpacks, down the school corridor and into the bathroom. She couldn't get into the stall fast enough before she was down on her knees, heaving into the toilet. Her stomach kept clenching and seizing, and it felt like she was trying to vomit up her own insides. Still nothing came up. She heaved and heaved, but still nothing. Once she was finally sure that her body had stopped its mindless rebelling, she pulled herself up off the floor, standing on shaky legs. She wiped her mouth and stepped out into the bathroom, turning to wash her hands in the sink.

"Please tell me you aren't anorexic or something." The voice came from her right. Turning her head Clary saw a small girl with brown skin leaning against the wall. She was dressed in jeans and a blue hoodie. Her sleeves were up past her elbows and her wrists were covered in bracelets. The girl wore a small grimace on her face, and her dark eyes held a faint look of annoyance, but seemed to become almost sympathetic when she saw Clary's pale face.

"Um... No I'm not, it's just nerves or something." Clary's voice stumbled awkwardly through the simple phrase, struggling to keep a light tremble out of her voice.

"Great, sorry I was just checking, too many girls seem to have some sort of eating disorder these days. I'm Maia, by the way. " Her voice was confident, and smooth, almost like chocolate.

Clary turned away, grabbing for some paper towels, "Oh, I'm Clary." She answered her voice stronger then before. Maia walked by her, and towards the door, "Well, guess I'll see you around then." Before heading out the door and into the now almost empty hallway.

She was already gone by the time Clary managed a small, squeaky, "Goodbye."

/-/-/-/-/-/

By the time lunch made it around, Clary was an emotional wreck. So far she had managed to avoid Izzy, Simon, and Jace, but she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to hold out. All morning she had been in a constant state of alert. Flinching whenever anyone brushed by her, or when a teacher called her name in class, ears straining for words that her mind kept replaying over and over and over in her head. She couldn't calm down.

Getting through the summer had been fine, she'd been on her own, and her mother hadn't questioned it too much when she started staying in her room longer, and staying in the apartment ever since the disastrous incident at Jace's house. She stopped looking in the mirror, she hated her pale, weak, dirty reflection. She showered a lot to. More then she used to, at least she thinks so, she isn't quite sure. But no matter how many times she scoured herself with the hot water, she never seemed to be able to scrub the dirt, the self-loathing and disgust off.

She'd been able to avoid crowds, and people, and her friends. But now, she couldn't do any of that anymore, and she was about three seconds away from a full on break down. She just needed the comfort of her duvet again. She needed to be numb; she couldn't deal with all these emotions, these thoughts anymore. It all hurt too much.

She needed to stop feeling.

She decided against the cafeteria, figuring she'd just eat when she got home. Or maybe not, she was never really hungry anymore. Food just didn't seem all that… important. She started a slow walk through the school. A slow aimless walk, she wasn't even sure where she would end up. She'd been at this school for years, and figured her feet would take her wherever they wanted. This time they took her outside.

She kept walking, and before she knew it she was underneath the bleachers, it was nice under there, quiet and shady, and perfectly empty of all human life.

"Well hello there, sweetheart." Apparently she was not as alone as she thought she was. The voice was smooth, masculine, and gave her shivers along her spine. Shivers that felt like spiders, and beetles, and all manner of creepy crawly things found in the darkest of places. It was a voice that made her uncomfortable. Glancing toward the sound she found a tall shadow leaning against a pole a few feet away.

"Hi…" Her reply was timid, like it had been all day. The boy stepped out from the shadows revealing a lithe figure with a shock of white hair. He was gorgeous, and Clary would have loved to draw him, before. Now she tried to keep her distance from all people, especially the male ones.

He was holding a joint lightly between his fingers, and as she watched he drew it up to his sculpted mouth and took a hit. His eyes were black, scarily so, and they never stopped watching her, even as he blew out a cloud of smoke.

"I'm Sebastian, and you're Clarissa Fray aren't you." It wasn't a question, his voice dipped at the end, becoming dangerously low.

"Yes but... but how did you know that?" Clary uttered breathlessly.

"Everyone knows you sweetheart. You're part of the school's very own celebrity couple. Well you were. Why'd he dump you anyway?" Clary's focus was once again drawn to the joint in his hand. Her eyes following the movement of his elegant pale fingers.

"That's none of your business." Clary's voice didn't waver. It was the first time she had sounded even remotely strong in a long time. "If you don't mind, I think I'm gonna go."

"What am I too bad for you? You worried I'll taint your pretty reputation, princess? Why Clarissa you've hurt my feelings." The words taunted her, and she bit back a reply, not really wanting to engage with him. The words stung. If only he knew, that it wasn't just her reputation but her body, her soul that was already sullied. She was probably even dirtier then him. She pushed herself off the ground and turned to walk back to the school. Leaving behind the boy that had made her feel more alive then she had in months.

"Don't you want to try some, sweetheart? It makes you forget. You're almost a different person when you're high. It makes you almost numb."

With those words Clary froze. Her mind screamed at her, because oh how she wanted it, how much she just wanted to float away for a little bit. To forget everything. Her old self would never have done anything like this. But her old self was gone, and this new one was weak, and craving the smoke behind her that would wrap itself around her mind, and make her forget.

Before Clary knew what was happening she had turned around, and taken the joint from Sebastian's hand. Her fingers grazed him, and her eyes met his. He was smirking.

"That's it Princess, live a little on the wild side."

Clary put the joint to her mouth, and sucked the smoke into her lungs. Her head immediately went fuzzy, before she was wracked by a huge coughing fit. Sebastian watched her the whole time, that stupid grin still on his face. A breeze ruffled his white hair, and she steadily brought the joint back to her mouth, and inhaled.

/-/-/-/-/-/

The smoke slipped into the cracks of her mind, and slowly her body relaxed. She didn't know how it happened but she was on the ground. She was lying on her back, Sebastian sitting on the ground next to her. She couldn't focus properly, and everything Sebastian said made her giggle. They sat there passing the joint back and forth, and Clary lost all track of time. She felt peaceful, lying there in the dark under the bleachers. Sebastian was stroking her arm, and it was the first physical contact she'd had since… the incident. It felt good. She hadn't felt this good in a long time. The pot made the pain stop, and Clary loved it.

She didn't know it at the time, but the pot was just the start.

Hey guys! So it's been awhile, and I apologize for that. I had actually given up on this story, but I decided to give it another go. I can't promise that I'll start posting regularly, or that I'll even continue posting, but I will do my best. Also, anorexia, and other eating disorders, are very serious and my heart goes out to anyone struggling with one, I mean no offense with Maia's earlier comments or any comments that may appear in later chapters. As well rape is another very serious and sensitive matter, and I have had no personal experience with it. All the information I have gotten has been from the internet. I am doing my best to portray someone who has been attacked in such a way as well as I can, but if I am doing it poorly, or in anyway that is offensive to anyone, please let me know, as that is not my intention.

Have a goodnight,

-readlivlaflove

P.S- Thank you to AnnaW14 for all their help with the plotline of this story! You have provided me with tons of brilliant ideas! And thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favourited or followed this story. It means the world to me.