I thought at first that Quatre might be mad at me. I was the one closest to him, so I was obviously the one to first notice his odd behavior. He had become withdrawn and almost depressed after Duo had revealed that Master had taken Wufei as his own. It seemed out of character for Quatre, but I thought perhaps he might be jealous of Wufei. It seemed logical, given that Master had taken Wufei even though he had received Quatre first. I wanted to tell Quatre that Master was probably just worried about his wounds, but I wasn't sure it was true. Quatre was completely healed, and even the scars were rapidly fading. It was probably more likely that Master was just a romantic, and was waiting for the right moment to be with Quatre. That was how it seemed to me, anyway. But, again, I didn't know for sure, and I didn't want to falsely raise Quatre's hopes. So, as usual, I said nothing.
Quatre predicament made me feel almost guilty the next day, when Master once again came to "help" me with my singing lessons. It didn't seem fair that Quatre had never gotten to receive Master's touch when I got them on a daily basis. Still, I wasn't sure I would sacrifice my time with Master, even for Quatre. What I felt for Quatre was still young and fragile, and I had barely let myself recognize it as more than a strong friendship. What Master gave me was strong, stable, and confident. Where my relationship with Quatre was filled with dangers and uncertainty, almost certain to die a quick death, my relationship with Master Zechs seemed unwavering and eternal. There was a stability in his presence that I had never known, and I found addictive.
My time with Master was not ill-spent. We soon learned that I needed direct penetration to induce a level of vulnerability that allowed me to sing, and from there Master began to wean me of an actual act of sex being my catalyst. He began at first by touching and arousing me less, and by the end of the week I was able to sing perfectly with only a vibrator inside me. Master seemed extremely pleased, because the vibrator was something that could be hidden at Collar. And so my real practice began.
I was, of course, pleased that I had managed to make Master proud, yet at the same time I missed the time Master had spent with me. Master seemed to see this, though, so he pulled me away from the others every night that second week and took me somewhere private. It was difficult, at times, to find privacy with the house so full, and more than once we ended up in the library or by the pool. It seemed odd, how Zechs was sneaking around the others, but I did not question him. I was afraid he would decide not to touch me anymore, and I wasn't sure I could stand that.
He would take me gently, yet using all his strength and confidence to take me to the edge. He would bring me down softly, with kisses and soothing caresses. More than once we fell asleep by the pool or in the library, less often in my bed or his. It was awkward, changing the sheets after we were done, knowing that Wufei would sleep in his bed later, or that Quatre would sleep in my room. I wasn't sure if the awkwardness came from knowing that neither Wufei nor Quatre had been with Master yet at that time, or because none of us had ever been together. I was used to a master having four or five slaves in his bed at one time, so there was never any shyness or awkwardness between the slaves. Having never been with any of the other slaves, and with Master choosing not to take some of them, it left these awkward, invisible lines between us of what we could not do or say around one another. It was a strange feeling for me, because sex had never been something to be shy or embarrassed about in my experience, so these feelings were all new to me. Still, I couldn't help but think it was more normal to feel embarrassed about sex than what I had been used to. Thus my feelings on the situation were mixed, at best.
Only adding to this confusion of embarrassment and lust were my feelings for Quatre. I realized fully that I felt lust for him, but the spark of something deeper confused me. Lust was something I had experienced before, but even friendship was new to me, and so this deeper feeling frightened me. I didn't, or couldn't, understand it, and so shunned it. Love was not something allowed to slaves. Love between two slaves would take attention away from the master, and that was not allowed. It was true that most masters demanded "love" from their slaves, but this "love" was often confused with obedience. If a slave truly loved a master they risked saying things that the master would not like, because they loved the master, or having an emotion like jealousy around the master. This, of course, was not tolerated, and so slaves did not know love.
But this Master was unlike any other master I had ever known. Could I think that I loved him? Easily. But what I felt for Quatre was different, and yet both felt like love. So which was real? Was one better than the other? Certainly what I felt for Master was stronger, but I couldn't quite deny that this strength arose only from the conditions surrounding it, being that love for Master was not expressly forbidden, as a love for Quatre was. Then again, it didn't help matters that Quatre had done very little that could be construed as showing favor to me. Were I to reveal my feelings about him I would risk losing everything, and for nothing if he did not feel the same. So, again, I said nothing.
But there were many things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell Quatre that his hair looked like gold when the sun glittered on it. I wanted to tell him that his skin smelled like lilacs after his bath, when I used his scars as an excuse to get close enough to feel the warmth of his skin. I wanted to tell him that he was most beautiful when he made a mistake in cooking, with flower dusting his face like diamond dust, and he would blush and smile at the same time, illuminating the room with a purified innocence and joy. I wanted to tell him that at a word from him I would risk everything just to hold him.
But I couldn't, because I was silent.
Not everything was bad, though, as much as I tend to focus on the shortcomings. Quatre was still down the next day, and he ate very little, but the day after that was Saturday, and a sudden trip with Master found us all in high spirits.
Sally had taken three of us out already, Heero, Wufei, and me, but it was just a quick trip to a small store for some new clothes. What Master laid out for us was an all day event, complete with lunch at a restaurant. The store Master told us about was more of a mall than anything, and he even talked about stopping at the cinema for a movie.
"You're all doing so well at your events that I thought a reward should be in order," Master told us, smiling, "Besides, you'll only stress yourselves out if all you ever do is work. Saturday should be a day of play, to relax and have some fun. I can't guarantee we'll always go out on Saturdays, but I think it would be best if we did something fun on Saturdays from now on."
His declaration was met with nods of approval and smiles of excitement. We all loved the house, but there was something about being in one place with the same people for a long period of time that eventually made any slave feel claustrophobic. At Collar we could move freely around the whole satellite, granting that the master approved, and there was always something to do. The contrast between constantly seeing new things and suddenly seeing only the same things for several weeks was hard on us, especially because we weren't free to improve anything. It sometimes made slaves feel trapped, and even though we were happy with Master Zechs, I think we were all beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic. Combined with the stress we all felt from our Collar events, I don't think Master could have picked a better time for a trip.
There were precautions to be taken, of course. We all had to sit through a twenty minute lecture Friday night on how to behave in public. Of course, all slaves were trained to be able to act normal in public, and it wasn't uncommon for a master to take a slave with him if he went out. Usually, though, the master didn't allow the slave any free reign, like Master Zechs was giving us, and the slave was only there to help the master and to be shown off. Master Zechs was doing this both with us and for us, and it was a treat we were all very excited about.
There were a few drawbacks, though. We had to stay in a group at all times, which meant that we wouldn't be able to visit every shop we wanted. We also had to wear tracking equipment around our ankles at all times while we were out.
"Honestly, I'm really more worried about one of you getting lost or kidnaped than having one of you run away," Master said seriously as he showed us the ankle bracelet. It was small and inconspicuous, but once put on it would not come off without the key. "But I hope you all understand that I can't take that chance, even if I don't think any of you will run. The anklet will remain on from the time we leave the house until the time we return. These bands are also equipped with a very small amount of sedative. If any of you should attempt to make a scene while we're out, I'll only have to press a button to have you sedated. I understand that some of you might not be comfortable with this, and any one who does not want to wear this can simply stay at home. I won't force anyone," Master said. For a moment I thought Duo might baulk at the threat of having drugs so near him, but he only hesitated for a second, then nodded in agreement with the rest of us.
I did not hesitate in my agreement, although I was worried that the sedative might be administered by a tiny needle. Still, I wanted to go very badly, and I couldn't see a needle anywhere on the anklet. I had no intention of causing a scene in public, so I hoped that I would have no need to worry, even if the band was equipped with a needle. If I tried very hard, I could even fool myself into thinking the sedative might be in a powder or liquid form that the skin would absorb very quickly. Regardless, I wanted to go badly enough that I tried to put the thought of needles out of my mind.