I tried to ignore the fact that Duo didn't like me. The fact that something was going on between Master and Quatre kept my mind off of it for a little while, but I couldn't really get involved in the situation because no one knew what was going on. At least, Trowa, Duo, and I were left out of the loop. That wasn't to say that Wufei didn't know more about the situation that he was letting on, but Wufei was never one to gossip, so there was no point in asking him.
By the weekend, not even a hiking trip to the river could completely keep my mind off of my sorrows. Not that we didn't have a great trip, or that I wasn't grateful to Master for giving me the chance to try out my new boots, but no matter how much fun I was having I couldn't seem to get the buzzing of doubt in the back of my mind to be silent.
Quatre and Trowa made it worse, as cruel as it sounds. I didn't blame them for it, but watching them laugh and hug and touch, so freely and without concern, made me feel that there must be something severely lacking for Duo to push me back so harshly. Was I that bad a person, to not deserve such friendship?
What hurt the most, I think, was that we often shared a bed. Even though we slept in the same room, Duo would often have nightmares if someone didn't hold him in his sleep, and that person was most often me. It hurt to feel him press against me at night, knowing that he would put several feet between us the next day. It hurt even worse when I would wake up each morning and discover him gone, often sleeping in my bed instead of bearing my touch after he woke up. Was I so repulsive that he had to leap from my arms each morning and put five feet of distance between us? Was that all I was to him, a warm body and a lumpy pillow? These thoughts left me feeling cold and used on more than one morning, and they had become increasingly unbearable. I couldn't so much blame Duo for what he did at night, without his consent. But even awake, Duo found ways of cutting into my soul. What hurt the worst was that we were, for all intents and purposes, the best of friends. He acted like he liked me, and often hung around me even when he didn't have to. I did many things for him, and he often tried to do things for me, though the intent was usually better than the gift where he was concerned. It was just that whenever I got close, he would still push me away. He would smile and apologize right afterward, brushing it off like he hadn't meant it, but I always saw the fear and anger in his eyes. I couldn't understand what I had done to gain such treatment, and in the end I just gave up. By Monday, I knew I couldn't stand it any longer. I found Master and Sally in his office, crowding around a small table in the back and speaking in light tones. I had hoped to catch Master alone, but with his schedule I wasn't sure I would get time. So, instead, I hesitantly entered the office, feeling ready to bolt at any second. "Is there something you need, Heero?" he asked politely. "I was wondering if I could talk to you later," I told him. "I'll probably be busy all afternoon. Is there something you needed? Could you tell me now"
"Ah... I don't want to interrupt"
"It's fine, I'm sure Sally doesn't mind. Now what did you want"
"I wanted to know if I could switch rooms with someone," I told him. Both he and Sally looked surprised, then immediately exchanged glances. I was aware that Master and Sally often talked about us, but I wasn't aware that Sally knew so much about us.
"Why would you want to change rooms?" Master asked deliberately. "I don't my personality fulfills all of Duo's needs for a roommate"
"Speak plainly, Heero"
"I think Duo would prefer to room with someone else," I admitted. "Why would you think that?" Sally wondered.
"He... He doesn't like to have me around him, close to him like Quatre and Trowa get with each other. He doesn't like it when I touch him, even if it's accidental. He gets very angry if I try to touch him on purpose," I said. Again Sally and Zechs exchanged worried looks.
"Is it just you that he gets upset with?" Master asked. "Uh... That I'm aware of. The others don't have as many chances to get close to him as I do, but I've never seen him react so strongly to them," I said. Sally looked at me curiously, studying my face. "What about the other times you're around him? Does he try to avoid you"
"No," I responded quickly. "He's very friendly. He likes to talk a lot, and he most often talks to me"
"And what about when he needs help with something? Who does he go to, if given a choice"
"He always comes to me. That's why I assumed he would prefer me as a roommate, to aide in his recovery, but apparently I was wrong. Even while he recovered he would only let me close if he was in severe pain, otherwise he'd brush me off"
"Have you ever asked him about this?" Master wondered, drawing my attention away from Sally. I hesitated, because I never had confronted him about it. I hadn't wanted to seem needy or controlling, and now it seemed to be to late.
"I think actions speak louder than words here," I told him, unable to meet his eyes.
"Why don't you go get Duo, then, and we'll see if we can't get this all straightened out"
I nodded once, because I didn't feel any reply was needed, then turned and left quickly. Once in the hall, I began to regret my decision to attempt a room exchange. If I hadn't been at the absolute end of my rope with Duo, I certainly wouldn't have bothered Master with my problems. But I was completely at a loss for what to do about Duo, and I was afraid of what would happen if either of us cracked and went off on the other. I couldn't honestly say which of us was more likely to break, because I was desperate to get Duo to let me in, and Duo was desperate to keep me out. There was nothing I could do, and the helplessness was killing me. I was at the point where I just wanted him to accept my help or push me away for ever; no more wavering between.
"Duo," I called quietly, keeping my tone neutral. If Duo thought he was in trouble he would probably fight about going down to see Master, and I felt bad enough already. "Master wants to see you"
"Aw, now? I'm about to beat my record!" "Come on. You spend too much time on that thing anyway"
"Fine," he huffed, pausing the game then tossing the controller on the ground. He pushed himself to his feet, then huffed and started to walk downstairs. In the doorway, I reached out to touch his shoulder, a last-ditch effort to convince myself that I was simply overreacting. As I expected, he flinched away, spinning the whole way around and trying to cover it with a smile.
"Come on, slowpoke. You're not going to make me face him alone, are you?" he teased. I shook my head, feeling guilty enough to offer him a small smile. I always acted as a buffer between Master and Duo, because their powerful personalities often clashed without a mediator. When we got back downstairs, Master and Sally were talking in hushed tones inside the room. Duo reached for the doorknob, but I intercepted him by grabbing his wrist. He glared at me, then harshly yanked his hand away from me. I managed to swallow a sigh, then knocked on the door. Only when Master had given permission did I open the door.
"So, what's up?" Duo wondered without the least respect. "Heero seems to think that you might prefer a different roommate," Master said, not phased by Duo's disrespect.
"He... what?" Duo wondered, stunned and confused. "Ask him yourself," Master replied, nodding toward me. I froze as Duo turned toward me. "W-what's going on, Heero?" Duo asked me. I opened my mouth, but could speak. I had to swallow before I could try again.
"I... I make you uncomfortable. I just... I thought you might prefer someone who makes you less nervous"
"But... I... You... I mean... I don't want a different roommate!" Duo snapped, stomping his foot. "You're a great roommate"
"But... you're always so guarded around me," I responded. Duo looked away, and blushed. "I..." Duo hesitated. "I think there's a simple solution to this misunderstanding," Master interjected. "Heero believes that he makes you uncomfortable because you become upset if he touches. You have assured us that you are very fond of Heero as a roommate. So, the easiest way to put Heero's mind to rest would be for you to allow him to touch you," Master said. Duo jumped, taking a step back, and going pale. For a moment, everything was still and silent, until Master frowned at Duo. "Is that alright"
"Uh... Yeah, I guess"
"Alright, then. Give him your hand," Master instructed. Without hesitation, I extended my hand toward Duo, only to stop as I realized Duo was not reaching toward me. Instead, he was shivering, his eyes darting around in an almost panicked frenzy. "Duo?" I wondered, mystified as to what could have caused this reaction. I suddenly realized, with a deep sense of confusion and hurt, than I had caused this reaction in Duo. That the idea of touching me was so repulsive to him that he was practically fainting.
"It's alright, Duo," Master said, rising to stand next to us. "Do you want someone else to do this with you?" Master asked, and I let my hand drop away, turning my face to hide tears of hurt and humiliation.
"No," Duo whispered harshly, and I looked back to find him staring at me, his face a mask of guilt and frustration. "Then you will have to reach out to Heero," Master said determinedly. It was the wrong thing to say, I realized instantly, and Duo's face suddenly went from upset to angry. "Fuck you!" he screamed, turning on Master like a demon had taken hold of him. "Don't fucking tell me what to do! I'm not gonna be your fuck toy so fuck off!" he screamed, then pushed over a small table housing an ornamental plant. It fell and shattered on the ground, and the sound surprised Duo out of whatever trance he had been in, causing him to come back to himself and run off.
I turned to give chase, but Master caught my arm. I looked at him in surprise, but he merely shook his head. "Sit down," he commanded seriously, motioning to a chair between himself and Sally as he seated himself. I sat, cautiously, afraid of what would happen next. Nothing had gone as I expected today, and now I wasn't sure what to expect. "Sally and I want to discuss Duo's behavior with you, but first we need you to answer some question," Master told me. I swallowed and nodded fearfully. "Calm down, Heero," Sally said kindly, reaching over to pat my hand. "Neither you nor Duo is in trouble. Zechs is just worried about you two. He's not angry," Sally said, giving Master a look. Master, in return, looked sheepish, and ran a hand through my hair. "No one's going to get punished for this, I promise," Master assured me. "Now, I need you to tell me about Duo's problem."
Quatre and Trowa made it worse, as cruel as it sounds. I didn't blame them for it, but watching them laugh and hug and touch, so freely and without concern, made me feel that there must be something severely lacking for Duo to push me back so harshly. Was I that bad a person, to not deserve such friendship?
What hurt the most, I think, was that we often shared a bed. Even though we slept in the same room, Duo would often have nightmares if someone didn't hold him in his sleep, and that person was most often me. It hurt to feel him press against me at night, knowing that he would put several feet between us the next day. It hurt even worse when I would wake up each morning and discover him gone, often sleeping in my bed instead of bearing my touch after he woke up. Was I so repulsive that he had to leap from my arms each morning and put five feet of distance between us? Was that all I was to him, a warm body and a lumpy pillow? These thoughts left me feeling cold and used on more than one morning, and they had become increasingly unbearable. I couldn't so much blame Duo for what he did at night, without his consent. But even awake, Duo found ways of cutting into my soul. What hurt the worst was that we were, for all intents and purposes, the best of friends. He acted like he liked me, and often hung around me even when he didn't have to. I did many things for him, and he often tried to do things for me, though the intent was usually better than the gift where he was concerned. It was just that whenever I got close, he would still push me away. He would smile and apologize right afterward, brushing it off like he hadn't meant it, but I always saw the fear and anger in his eyes. I couldn't understand what I had done to gain such treatment, and in the end I just gave up. By Monday, I knew I couldn't stand it any longer. I found Master and Sally in his office, crowding around a small table in the back and speaking in light tones. I had hoped to catch Master alone, but with his schedule I wasn't sure I would get time. So, instead, I hesitantly entered the office, feeling ready to bolt at any second. "Is there something you need, Heero?" he asked politely. "I was wondering if I could talk to you later," I told him. "I'll probably be busy all afternoon. Is there something you needed? Could you tell me now"
"Ah... I don't want to interrupt"
"It's fine, I'm sure Sally doesn't mind. Now what did you want"
"I wanted to know if I could switch rooms with someone," I told him. Both he and Sally looked surprised, then immediately exchanged glances. I was aware that Master and Sally often talked about us, but I wasn't aware that Sally knew so much about us.
"Why would you want to change rooms?" Master asked deliberately. "I don't my personality fulfills all of Duo's needs for a roommate"
"Speak plainly, Heero"
"I think Duo would prefer to room with someone else," I admitted. "Why would you think that?" Sally wondered.
"He... He doesn't like to have me around him, close to him like Quatre and Trowa get with each other. He doesn't like it when I touch him, even if it's accidental. He gets very angry if I try to touch him on purpose," I said. Again Sally and Zechs exchanged worried looks.
"Is it just you that he gets upset with?" Master asked. "Uh... That I'm aware of. The others don't have as many chances to get close to him as I do, but I've never seen him react so strongly to them," I said. Sally looked at me curiously, studying my face. "What about the other times you're around him? Does he try to avoid you"
"No," I responded quickly. "He's very friendly. He likes to talk a lot, and he most often talks to me"
"And what about when he needs help with something? Who does he go to, if given a choice"
"He always comes to me. That's why I assumed he would prefer me as a roommate, to aide in his recovery, but apparently I was wrong. Even while he recovered he would only let me close if he was in severe pain, otherwise he'd brush me off"
"Have you ever asked him about this?" Master wondered, drawing my attention away from Sally. I hesitated, because I never had confronted him about it. I hadn't wanted to seem needy or controlling, and now it seemed to be to late.
"I think actions speak louder than words here," I told him, unable to meet his eyes.
"Why don't you go get Duo, then, and we'll see if we can't get this all straightened out"
I nodded once, because I didn't feel any reply was needed, then turned and left quickly. Once in the hall, I began to regret my decision to attempt a room exchange. If I hadn't been at the absolute end of my rope with Duo, I certainly wouldn't have bothered Master with my problems. But I was completely at a loss for what to do about Duo, and I was afraid of what would happen if either of us cracked and went off on the other. I couldn't honestly say which of us was more likely to break, because I was desperate to get Duo to let me in, and Duo was desperate to keep me out. There was nothing I could do, and the helplessness was killing me. I was at the point where I just wanted him to accept my help or push me away for ever; no more wavering between.
"Duo," I called quietly, keeping my tone neutral. If Duo thought he was in trouble he would probably fight about going down to see Master, and I felt bad enough already. "Master wants to see you"
"Aw, now? I'm about to beat my record!" "Come on. You spend too much time on that thing anyway"
"Fine," he huffed, pausing the game then tossing the controller on the ground. He pushed himself to his feet, then huffed and started to walk downstairs. In the doorway, I reached out to touch his shoulder, a last-ditch effort to convince myself that I was simply overreacting. As I expected, he flinched away, spinning the whole way around and trying to cover it with a smile.
"Come on, slowpoke. You're not going to make me face him alone, are you?" he teased. I shook my head, feeling guilty enough to offer him a small smile. I always acted as a buffer between Master and Duo, because their powerful personalities often clashed without a mediator. When we got back downstairs, Master and Sally were talking in hushed tones inside the room. Duo reached for the doorknob, but I intercepted him by grabbing his wrist. He glared at me, then harshly yanked his hand away from me. I managed to swallow a sigh, then knocked on the door. Only when Master had given permission did I open the door.
"So, what's up?" Duo wondered without the least respect. "Heero seems to think that you might prefer a different roommate," Master said, not phased by Duo's disrespect.
"He... what?" Duo wondered, stunned and confused. "Ask him yourself," Master replied, nodding toward me. I froze as Duo turned toward me. "W-what's going on, Heero?" Duo asked me. I opened my mouth, but could speak. I had to swallow before I could try again.
"I... I make you uncomfortable. I just... I thought you might prefer someone who makes you less nervous"
"But... I... You... I mean... I don't want a different roommate!" Duo snapped, stomping his foot. "You're a great roommate"
"But... you're always so guarded around me," I responded. Duo looked away, and blushed. "I..." Duo hesitated. "I think there's a simple solution to this misunderstanding," Master interjected. "Heero believes that he makes you uncomfortable because you become upset if he touches. You have assured us that you are very fond of Heero as a roommate. So, the easiest way to put Heero's mind to rest would be for you to allow him to touch you," Master said. Duo jumped, taking a step back, and going pale. For a moment, everything was still and silent, until Master frowned at Duo. "Is that alright"
"Uh... Yeah, I guess"
"Alright, then. Give him your hand," Master instructed. Without hesitation, I extended my hand toward Duo, only to stop as I realized Duo was not reaching toward me. Instead, he was shivering, his eyes darting around in an almost panicked frenzy. "Duo?" I wondered, mystified as to what could have caused this reaction. I suddenly realized, with a deep sense of confusion and hurt, than I had caused this reaction in Duo. That the idea of touching me was so repulsive to him that he was practically fainting.
"It's alright, Duo," Master said, rising to stand next to us. "Do you want someone else to do this with you?" Master asked, and I let my hand drop away, turning my face to hide tears of hurt and humiliation.
"No," Duo whispered harshly, and I looked back to find him staring at me, his face a mask of guilt and frustration. "Then you will have to reach out to Heero," Master said determinedly. It was the wrong thing to say, I realized instantly, and Duo's face suddenly went from upset to angry. "Fuck you!" he screamed, turning on Master like a demon had taken hold of him. "Don't fucking tell me what to do! I'm not gonna be your fuck toy so fuck off!" he screamed, then pushed over a small table housing an ornamental plant. It fell and shattered on the ground, and the sound surprised Duo out of whatever trance he had been in, causing him to come back to himself and run off.
I turned to give chase, but Master caught my arm. I looked at him in surprise, but he merely shook his head. "Sit down," he commanded seriously, motioning to a chair between himself and Sally as he seated himself. I sat, cautiously, afraid of what would happen next. Nothing had gone as I expected today, and now I wasn't sure what to expect. "Sally and I want to discuss Duo's behavior with you, but first we need you to answer some question," Master told me. I swallowed and nodded fearfully. "Calm down, Heero," Sally said kindly, reaching over to pat my hand. "Neither you nor Duo is in trouble. Zechs is just worried about you two. He's not angry," Sally said, giving Master a look. Master, in return, looked sheepish, and ran a hand through my hair. "No one's going to get punished for this, I promise," Master assured me. "Now, I need you to tell me about Duo's problem."