They were on to me. I had known I wouldn't be able to get away with it forever, but I figured I could go at least a few more months. I was scared that once the big blonde got a taste for me he'd just keep coming back, and I wasn't sure I could stand that. There was only one thing he wanted from me, and once he got it he'd stop being so nice and start being a real master.
At least, that's what my head told me when I was calm enough to listen. It told me to run, scream, steal, whatever it took to keep him away from me. To keep them all away. To keep me safe.
I realized later, once I had calmed in my hidey-hole in the basement, that the jig was up. Zechs had to know something was going on or he never would have made such a weird order. Seeing me bolt like that would have only confirmed it, especially since it was Heero. If I wouldn't let Heero touch me, who would I?
It hurt, a little, the fact that Heero had turned me in, at the same time that I kind of felt I deserved it. I had known how much my distance was hurting Heero, and I had seen the pain in his eyes when I yelled at him for touching me. If I had been kinder, I would have said I didn't like Heero, demanded my own room, and sent him running back to Zechs. As much as I mouth about Zechs, he would have taken care of Heero. He would have taken the pain away, and he would have separated us. It would put me into an uncertain position, but it certainly would have been better for Heero than this constant limbo. But I was selfish, greedy, and having the time of my life. I liked having someone around to share jokes with, and I liked surprising chuckles and smiles out of Heero. I wanted Heero to cuddle me out of my nightmares, even if I had to push him away as soon as I was awake. I wanted Heero to touch me, but I was afraid of it. So I kept him close, but just out of reach, because I was also afraid of being alone again. I was a coward, but I was so very happy. "Stupid," I muttered darkly, rubbing my eyes. Tears would not come, but they prickled at my eyes. Still, I would not let them come. I could not afford to be weak right now, not when they found out I was useless.
What good is a sex slave who can't stand to be touched? What good is a stripper who can't stand the feeling of eyes on him? I was less than useless, now. Without being drugged beyond comprehension I was completely unable to move, and being drugged didn't leave me much better. My reputation had gotten me this far on borrowed time, but it couldn't last forever. My novelty would wear off once they saw how weak I had gotten in Zechs' hands, and that would be the end of me. It had been a good run, though, hadn't it? I'd had some of the best times of my life in the last few weeks. I had enjoyed over a month of being healthy, full, relaxed, and content. I was living in the lap of luxury, for a slave, without even being used for it. So what if it ended? Everything does. I'd be okay, or I'd die. There were only two choices, and neither looked particularly frightening to after everything I'd been through.
I sighed, finally coming down from my panic, and contemplated going upstairs. I could hear a cooking show on the TV, which probably meant Quatre would be in the livingroom. I hoped they'd saved my game before they sat down, but I wouldn't be terribly upset if they hadn't. I loved playing the game, I didn't really care how far I got in it. I sat back again after a moment's thought, realizing Trowa was probably in the livingroom, too, not making a single sound. I liked Quatre and Trowa a lot, but it was hard for me to look at them. They always sat very close together when they could, and they would often hold hands or rub each other's feet or some other sentimental crap. Whatever it was, they were almost always holding each other, and it was very hard to look at while knowing Heero wanted to do the exact same thing with me and wondering if it would feel as good as it looked. There had been times when I needed to walk out of the room just to control my own urge to have that with Heero, and other times when he had left. His leaving usually hurt most, because I knew at those times that I was the sole reason we couldn't have that. I would see pain in Heero's eyes and know that I had caused it when he had only been trying to help me. Knowing I was hurting an innocent soul like his hurt me more than I'd like to admit, and sometimes it even made me angry at Heero. I would see him wanting to get closer to me and I'd begin to want it, too. Sometimes he'd try it and I'd rebuff him, causing a hurt in his eyes that made pain flare in me so that I'd have to storm off to hide it. Other times he'd simply get this defeated look on his face and move away, and damn it all to hell but I would feel so disappointed when he moved away that I'd freaking yell at him anyway. It was terrible, and in no way Heero's fault, and it just made me feel more guilty that he was getting all the heat for it. When Zechs had laid him open with a whip in my place I hadn't felt as guilty as this, as stupid as that sounds. There were soft footsteps on the stairs, but there was only one person it could be, so I didn't bother getting up. Heero and I had laundry duty together, and he was the only one who knew that I would come down here to collect myself when everything seemed to be falling apart. It was cool in the basement and it smelled like fabric softener. It was quiet and dim, like a hole in time that I could just slip into and let everything pass by. It reminded me of the streets, when the gang would find safe haven in an abandoned basement. Basements were always the best; they rarely leaked, they were insulated from the wind, they stayed warm forever if you could get them warmed up, and they just... I don't know... they always felt safe, even if they were never the same one for long. They all somehow had that same faint scent of fabric softener, even if they hadn't been used in years. This basement was far better than any I had hidden in when I was young, but it was still a basement. "Duo? Are you alright?" he asked me, coming directly to where I lay, hidden about a foot back in shelves that had been built into the wall. One thing I liked about Heero was that he never beat around the bush when he had to do something. He needed to collect me, and that was what he was doing. "I'm fine," I told him, not making a move to come out. "Just putting my head back together, that's all"
"Hn. Is it... together yet?" Heero asked, surprising a bark of laughter from me.
"No," I admitted, "but it's about as good as it's going to get," I told him, then eased myself out of the hole. He offered his hand to help me up, but at least he didn't look hurt when I refused it. After what a crappy day it had already been I wasn't sure I could have handled that. "I want to apologize to you incase my request creates any kind of trouble for you," he told me, cold, unfeeling, and monotone. That voice told me that he was drawing away, not ready for the pain of dealing with me. I couldn't blame him. "Please let me assure you that it was never my intent to hurt you. I believed that it would be better if we were not roommates. I"
"You thought I didn't like you," I interjected, knowing his explanation would simply continue in this clinical description until he thought his point had been made. He was skipping around the real issue, and I was too tired for it.
"I... yes. I believed that your personality and mine could not occupy the same area"
"Well, you're wrong," I told him flatly. "You are a great roommate, and I wouldn't want anyone else. I'm the one who screwed things up, not you," I said sadly, then headed for the stairs.
"Duo, wait," Heero said, causing me to pause. "Master... he said you might have a... problem with"
"With allowing myself to be touched by others? Yeah, Heero, we all know I'm messed up"
"No, I mean... he said it wasn't voluntary. That it wasn't your fault that you pulled away, and that you couldn't choose who to pull away from," he said. The hope in his voice almost broke my heart. "That's right. I can't choose who I want to touch me... because no one can touch me. Saying it isn't my fault is going a little far, because who's fault is it then"
"The masters that made you like this," Heero offered, a hint of anger in his voice.
"We could trace this ladder all the way up to my mom for giving birth to me, or god for creating me, but it won't do any good. I'm the one who's here right now, and I'm the one who can't get my head on straight enough to accept a little human fucking contact, okay? I'm the real fuck-up here"
"You're not fucked-up," Heero said, coming to stand behind me. He was so close that if I leaned back a fraction of an inch I would be pressed against his chest. Got, but I wanted to. But I was scared shitless of it too. "You're just a little... twisted," Heero said, and I could hear the damned smile in his voice. "We'll get you... straightened out"
"People have been pushing and pulling me for years, trying to get me straightened out. What makes you think this time will be any different?" I asked, and Heero leaned close to whisper his answer into my ear.
"Because this time there are people who actually care about you," he told me softly, touching me with his voice. "And because this time you actually want it"
And he was right.
At least, that's what my head told me when I was calm enough to listen. It told me to run, scream, steal, whatever it took to keep him away from me. To keep them all away. To keep me safe.
I realized later, once I had calmed in my hidey-hole in the basement, that the jig was up. Zechs had to know something was going on or he never would have made such a weird order. Seeing me bolt like that would have only confirmed it, especially since it was Heero. If I wouldn't let Heero touch me, who would I?
It hurt, a little, the fact that Heero had turned me in, at the same time that I kind of felt I deserved it. I had known how much my distance was hurting Heero, and I had seen the pain in his eyes when I yelled at him for touching me. If I had been kinder, I would have said I didn't like Heero, demanded my own room, and sent him running back to Zechs. As much as I mouth about Zechs, he would have taken care of Heero. He would have taken the pain away, and he would have separated us. It would put me into an uncertain position, but it certainly would have been better for Heero than this constant limbo. But I was selfish, greedy, and having the time of my life. I liked having someone around to share jokes with, and I liked surprising chuckles and smiles out of Heero. I wanted Heero to cuddle me out of my nightmares, even if I had to push him away as soon as I was awake. I wanted Heero to touch me, but I was afraid of it. So I kept him close, but just out of reach, because I was also afraid of being alone again. I was a coward, but I was so very happy. "Stupid," I muttered darkly, rubbing my eyes. Tears would not come, but they prickled at my eyes. Still, I would not let them come. I could not afford to be weak right now, not when they found out I was useless.
What good is a sex slave who can't stand to be touched? What good is a stripper who can't stand the feeling of eyes on him? I was less than useless, now. Without being drugged beyond comprehension I was completely unable to move, and being drugged didn't leave me much better. My reputation had gotten me this far on borrowed time, but it couldn't last forever. My novelty would wear off once they saw how weak I had gotten in Zechs' hands, and that would be the end of me. It had been a good run, though, hadn't it? I'd had some of the best times of my life in the last few weeks. I had enjoyed over a month of being healthy, full, relaxed, and content. I was living in the lap of luxury, for a slave, without even being used for it. So what if it ended? Everything does. I'd be okay, or I'd die. There were only two choices, and neither looked particularly frightening to after everything I'd been through.
I sighed, finally coming down from my panic, and contemplated going upstairs. I could hear a cooking show on the TV, which probably meant Quatre would be in the livingroom. I hoped they'd saved my game before they sat down, but I wouldn't be terribly upset if they hadn't. I loved playing the game, I didn't really care how far I got in it. I sat back again after a moment's thought, realizing Trowa was probably in the livingroom, too, not making a single sound. I liked Quatre and Trowa a lot, but it was hard for me to look at them. They always sat very close together when they could, and they would often hold hands or rub each other's feet or some other sentimental crap. Whatever it was, they were almost always holding each other, and it was very hard to look at while knowing Heero wanted to do the exact same thing with me and wondering if it would feel as good as it looked. There had been times when I needed to walk out of the room just to control my own urge to have that with Heero, and other times when he had left. His leaving usually hurt most, because I knew at those times that I was the sole reason we couldn't have that. I would see pain in Heero's eyes and know that I had caused it when he had only been trying to help me. Knowing I was hurting an innocent soul like his hurt me more than I'd like to admit, and sometimes it even made me angry at Heero. I would see him wanting to get closer to me and I'd begin to want it, too. Sometimes he'd try it and I'd rebuff him, causing a hurt in his eyes that made pain flare in me so that I'd have to storm off to hide it. Other times he'd simply get this defeated look on his face and move away, and damn it all to hell but I would feel so disappointed when he moved away that I'd freaking yell at him anyway. It was terrible, and in no way Heero's fault, and it just made me feel more guilty that he was getting all the heat for it. When Zechs had laid him open with a whip in my place I hadn't felt as guilty as this, as stupid as that sounds. There were soft footsteps on the stairs, but there was only one person it could be, so I didn't bother getting up. Heero and I had laundry duty together, and he was the only one who knew that I would come down here to collect myself when everything seemed to be falling apart. It was cool in the basement and it smelled like fabric softener. It was quiet and dim, like a hole in time that I could just slip into and let everything pass by. It reminded me of the streets, when the gang would find safe haven in an abandoned basement. Basements were always the best; they rarely leaked, they were insulated from the wind, they stayed warm forever if you could get them warmed up, and they just... I don't know... they always felt safe, even if they were never the same one for long. They all somehow had that same faint scent of fabric softener, even if they hadn't been used in years. This basement was far better than any I had hidden in when I was young, but it was still a basement. "Duo? Are you alright?" he asked me, coming directly to where I lay, hidden about a foot back in shelves that had been built into the wall. One thing I liked about Heero was that he never beat around the bush when he had to do something. He needed to collect me, and that was what he was doing. "I'm fine," I told him, not making a move to come out. "Just putting my head back together, that's all"
"Hn. Is it... together yet?" Heero asked, surprising a bark of laughter from me.
"No," I admitted, "but it's about as good as it's going to get," I told him, then eased myself out of the hole. He offered his hand to help me up, but at least he didn't look hurt when I refused it. After what a crappy day it had already been I wasn't sure I could have handled that. "I want to apologize to you incase my request creates any kind of trouble for you," he told me, cold, unfeeling, and monotone. That voice told me that he was drawing away, not ready for the pain of dealing with me. I couldn't blame him. "Please let me assure you that it was never my intent to hurt you. I believed that it would be better if we were not roommates. I"
"You thought I didn't like you," I interjected, knowing his explanation would simply continue in this clinical description until he thought his point had been made. He was skipping around the real issue, and I was too tired for it.
"I... yes. I believed that your personality and mine could not occupy the same area"
"Well, you're wrong," I told him flatly. "You are a great roommate, and I wouldn't want anyone else. I'm the one who screwed things up, not you," I said sadly, then headed for the stairs.
"Duo, wait," Heero said, causing me to pause. "Master... he said you might have a... problem with"
"With allowing myself to be touched by others? Yeah, Heero, we all know I'm messed up"
"No, I mean... he said it wasn't voluntary. That it wasn't your fault that you pulled away, and that you couldn't choose who to pull away from," he said. The hope in his voice almost broke my heart. "That's right. I can't choose who I want to touch me... because no one can touch me. Saying it isn't my fault is going a little far, because who's fault is it then"
"The masters that made you like this," Heero offered, a hint of anger in his voice.
"We could trace this ladder all the way up to my mom for giving birth to me, or god for creating me, but it won't do any good. I'm the one who's here right now, and I'm the one who can't get my head on straight enough to accept a little human fucking contact, okay? I'm the real fuck-up here"
"You're not fucked-up," Heero said, coming to stand behind me. He was so close that if I leaned back a fraction of an inch I would be pressed against his chest. Got, but I wanted to. But I was scared shitless of it too. "You're just a little... twisted," Heero said, and I could hear the damned smile in his voice. "We'll get you... straightened out"
"People have been pushing and pulling me for years, trying to get me straightened out. What makes you think this time will be any different?" I asked, and Heero leaned close to whisper his answer into my ear.
"Because this time there are people who actually care about you," he told me softly, touching me with his voice. "And because this time you actually want it"
And he was right.