Again, my deepest thanks to AZGirl for the great beta job…any mistakes are mine. Thank you to my readers for hanging in there so patiently for updates. I'm blessed to have such loyal readers! I hope you enjoy the post!
Part 17
"Go to hell!"
Tony DiNozzo had angrily hurled those words at the one man who had done nothing to incur his wrath, but right now, Gibbs was the sole recipient of the fiery rage that had been awakened in him. He would never admit it to anyone, but he was afraid and his fear was fueling the desperate need to escape before he ended up back in prison. He had just tried to kill someone and there wasn't any way that the judge would overlook his latest screw up; even Gibbs wouldn't be able to help him this time. That's why he had to leave; he was clearly a danger to others and he needed to be as far away as possible from everyone.
He forced himself to block out the pained expression that had briefly flashed across Gibbs' face. Tony couldn't afford to let sentiment interfere with his goal; he knew that he owed the team leader his life, but he couldn't think about that at the moment. He gripped the railing of his bed, his arm trembling from the strain. "Get me out of here! Please!"
It had been a long time since he had begged for anything, but he was getting to the point that he would do anything to get out of the hospital. A feeling of betrayal was beginning to filter into his thoughts; he was supposed to be free, but everyone around him seemed intent on keeping him imprisoned.
"Tony!" Gibbs barked, startling him out of his musings. "Listen to me!"
"Not unless you're going to get me out of here."
"I can't, DiNozzo."
"Then get out!" he shouted.
Gibbs was once again hovering over him. Tony couldn't stand the proximity of the team leader, but he couldn't escape. "Tony, if you don't calm down, Dr. Neal is going to sedate your ass and I'm going to have to let him," the Marine informed him.
His head snapped around until his eyes locked with Gibbs' intimidating stare. Tony was terrified of being sedated. It was the method of choice in prison to prevent him from putting up a struggle whenever he was in the infirmary; his aversion to touch had conditioned him to resist any touch, even if the intention had been good.
"I know that you're angry," the older man continued to reason, "but you're going to have to trust me on this; I've got your six."
He knew that Gibbs spoke the truth, but he was hesitant to believe him. "I don't know if I can," he admitted. "I need to be some place where I'm not a danger to anyone."
"And for now, that place is right here."
The fight seemed to leave his body as he slumped back against his pillow. His pain was rising to the surface, but he knew better than to say anything; he was tired of being drugged out of his mind. Tony also realized that he couldn't afford to fall into such a deep sleep again; he wasn't going to take the chance that he would hurt anyone else. Part of him still couldn't believe that he had actually hurt the nurse, but then again, prison had turned him into some kind of animal that cared about nothing except his own survival.
"You can go," Tony rasped, his voice barely above a whisper. The young man was through listening; it was obvious that he wasn't going to win this particular argument and he was going to have to come up with another plan to escape. Of course, he doubted that Gibbs would leave him alone ever again, especially after everything that had happened.
Gibbs nodded. "I'll be close by if you need me."
Tony was grateful for the bit of solitude that he was going to have. He had come to prefer being alone. He didn't have to talk, he didn't have to think, and he didn't have to worry about hurting anyone… except maybe himself. Over the past year, he had considered it as an option for relief from his miserable existence, but he knew that he could never end his own life. Tony pushed those thoughts aside. He never could bear the thought of hurting the few people who would actually miss him if he died; instead, he had just settled for isolating himself as much as possible.
He watched Gibbs leave with Dr. Neal in tow; Tony had been so angry that he hadn't even paid attention to the fact that the doctor had still been in the room. Ignoring the constant ache that was now assaulting him, he pulled the blanket up over his shoulder, his eyes never leaving the door; he would not be caught unawares again. One thing he had learned to do in prison was to go for long periods of time without sleep; it had kept him alive more than once. This time his ability would hopefully keep someone else alive; he was not going to take the chance on hurting someone, possibly inadvertently killing them, and going back to prison.
Gibbs had promised him his freedom and had repeatedly told him that he wasn't going to lose it, but Tony knew that all it would take was one stupid act on his part and he would end up back in prison. He was the only person who could ensure that didn't happen; he was terrified of losing his freedom and if there was one thing that Tony knew for certain, it was that fear was a tremendous motivator.
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Gibbs pulled the door closed behind him to ensure that Tony had the privacy that the younger man so desperately craved. He blew out a breath that he hadn't realized that he'd been holding. His nerves were raw and at the moment, he wasn't sure how much more he could take. The team leader knew that it was going to be a challenge to help Tony readjust to life outside of prison, but he'd had no idea exactly how difficult it was going to be.
DiNozzo didn't trust anyone, including himself. Tony was obviously scared and Gibbs could understand why. The lead agent knew a great deal of what his former agent had endured, but what he didn't know was the emotional ramifications of those experiences. The younger man bore so many physical and emotional scars, that Gibbs doubted that Tony would ever completely heal.
"He's certainly stubborn," the doctor proclaimed.
"You have no idea," Gibbs sighed.
"His stubbornness has certainly served him well."
"It's kept him alive."
The team leader pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward away the headache that seemed determined to take up residence in his skull. He needed to rest, but then again, he wasn't about to leave without Tony. He couldn't take the chance that DiNozzo would have another nightmare and be placed in restraints; Gibbs had promised to have his six and he wouldn't break his word to his friend.
"I'm going to get some coffee and then I'll check on DiNozzo again."
"Are you sure that's wise? He didn't seem to want company," Dr. Neal recalled. "Why don't you go home and…"
"And what? Get some rest?" Gibbs shook his head. "Not happening. Your doctor friend blew it. I'm not taking any chances. Tony can't handle being restrained or drugged and I'm not about to abandon him to that possibility."
"Dr. Carter made a mistake," the physician reasoned. "It won't happen again."
"I can't be sure of that. Like I said, I'm not taking any chances."
The doctor raised his hands in surrender. "All right, I won't argue with you."
"Good. It'd be a waste of time." Gibbs knew that the doctor was concerned about DiNozzo, but the truth of the matter was that until Tony felt safe, his recovery would be hindered. Tony was right in that he needed to get out of the hospital. "So tell me, Doc, when do you think DiNozzo can leave?"
"We've already been through this," Neal pointed out. "It's going to be several days…"
Gibbs shook his head. "No, it's not. I managed to calm him down a little, but he needs to get out of here. Being here reminds him too much of…other things. If we don't come up with some kind of compromise to get him out here, he'll find a way on his own."
"Agent Gibbs, he needs to stay in the hospital."
Frustration was seeping into every fiber of his being; Gibbs wanted to do what was right but he couldn't stand to see Tony needlessly suffering. "What he needs is to be somewhere we he doesn't feel like he's under a microscope! He's in constant fight-or-flight mode and right now, I have no idea which one he's gonna do."
"I understand that you're upset about what happened; so am I," the doctor assured him. "It doesn't change the fact that he still needs to be in the hospital."
"He's been released to my custody; I'll take him to my place."
"Are you sure that's what he wants?" Neal challenged. "Sounds like to me he doesn't want to be around anyone."
"You're probably right, but right now, I'm the only other option he has," Gibbs pointed out.
The team leader wasn't sure exactly how Tony would react to staying with him; he wanted to help DiNozzo, but if he were honest with himself, he really didn't know where to begin. Tony had always internalized his true feelings and his time in prison had only reinforced that habit. DiNozzo had built a seemingly impenetrable wall around himself, desiring isolation from everyone and everything; it was going to take a lot of patience to even see a crack in the brick and mortar that encompassed Tony's soul.
"If you can convince him to stay at least one more day and there aren't any further…complications, I'll authorize his release," the physician bargained. "That's the best I can do."
Gibbs nodded in agreement. "I'll talk to Tony now. Maybe he's cooled off enough to listen to reason; I think I can convince him to give it another day."
"I certainly hope so. He really needs to be under a doctor's care even after he's released."
"I think I have that covered." Gibbs was still formulating his plan in his mind and he sincerely hoped that he could get Tony to buy into it.
The doctor shook his head. "Let me ask you something, Agent Gibbs. What happens when your plan doesn't go the way you want it to? What then?"
Gibbs couldn't answer his question. Usually, his plans worked flawlessly, but he couldn't be sure that this one would. Tony was unpredictable and the team leader had no idea how DiNozzo would react, but he had to try. He turned away from the doctor and quietly entered Tony's room. Gibbs knew that the younger man wasn't asleep; DiNozzo wasn't about to take any more chances.
"Tony?" he called out.
DiNozzo looked at him, his gaze following Gibbs' every movement. He could see the burning desire for freedom in Tony's eyes as well as a raw desperation; the Marine now knew which way his friend's fight-or-flight mode was leaning. He had to act fast if he was going to prevent his ex-agent from doing something he'd regret. Tony's was driven to survive at any cost; it was a price that he had paid over and over.
Stepping closer to the bed, Gibbs said his name once again. "Tony? You all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he sullenly answered.
"You sure?"
"I said I was fine," Tony repeated, his tone was tight and controlled.
Gibbs could still hear the anger and frustration in Tony's voice. Although he wasn't yelling and cursing, it was obvious that DiNozzo still was on edge and it wouldn't take a lot to set him off once again. He knew that he was going to have his work cut out for him if he was going to convince Tony not only to stay in the hospital for one more day, but to recuperate at his house after his release. Maybe he should have waited until he had gotten some actual sleep before attempting to bargain with a man who truly had nothing, but yet still had everything, to lose.
His former agent's eyes were now empty and Gibbs had to admit that he was worried. It wasn't going to be easy to tell what Tony was thinking; he wondered if this was a sign that he had truly lost his friend to his past. Pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind, he pulled a chair up and sat down. "Can I get you anything?"
"Out of here," Tony mumbled.
"I'm going to talk to you about that in a minute," Gibbs promised. "Right now, I want to know if you need anything like something to drink. I could probably round up some of those lime Jell-O shots you like."
"Water."
Gibbs rose from his seat and poured Tony a glass of water. He held it out to the dark-haired man, who managed to take it, despite the slight tremor in his hand. The agent stood by just in case DiNozzo decided he needed any help, but he was going to let Tony feel like he was in control of the situation as much as possible. When he was through drinking, Gibbs took the cup and set it back down on the table. "Do you want anything else?"
Tony shook his head. "No."
"All right." Gibbs took his seat once more and leaned forward in the chair. It was time to present his plan and hope that Tony was willing to listen. He knew that DiNozzo was still pissed at him and truthfully, the older man understood his frustration and his anger; Gibbs had taken the time to consider how he would feel if their positions were reversed. "I know you want to get out of here," he began.
"I think we've already established that fact," Tony snapped.
He ignored DiNozzo's sharp retort; Gibbs knew that Tony's nerves were raw and that his harsh, sporadic responses were part of his survival mechanism. "I guess we have," he agreed. "I've talked to your doctor and I think we can reach a compromise."
"A compromise? You?"
There was no mistaking the disbelief in Tony's voice. His friend knew him all too well; there were very few times in his life that he had ever compromised, but for DiNozzo's sake, he was willing to try. "Yeah," Gibbs sighed. "Sometimes situations call for the unexpected and this is one of those times."
"So, what's this…compromise?"
A tiny smile danced upon Gibbs' lips. "I thought you'd never ask," he said. "It's pretty simple. If you stay in the hospital and do everything the doctor says for one more day, he'll let you get out of here."
"Where am I going to go?" Tony inquired. "Back to prison?"
"Tony, I told you that you're not going back there," Gibbs reminded him for what seemed like the thousandth time. Of course, he was more than willing to tell DiNozzo a thousand more times if that was what was necessary to convince him that he was a free man. "You're going home." He winced at his choice of words. Unfortunately, Tony caught his slip of the tongue.
"Home?"
"I meant my home," Gibbs quickly explained.
"Good thing you clarified that," Tony countered. "I was beginning to worry; thought maybe I was going to end up on the street or something, since I don't technically have a home."
"Not going to happen."
He could tell that once again, DiNozzo was struggling to keep his emotions under control. Tony was a time bomb waiting to go off and Gibbs felt like he constantly had to diffuse the younger man; he feared that one day, he wouldn't be able to de-escalate his friend and the repercussions would be severe.
Tony's eyes were once again filled with hatred as his words dripped with venom. "Why? Because you say so? Because the almighty Leroy Jethro Gibbs forbids it?"
Gibbs visibly bristled at Tony's bitter words. His first impulse was to head slap DiNozzo, but he quickly tamped down the urge; he would not react in the way that Tony expected. Gibbs realized that his actions couldn't be motivated by anger. He had to keep in mind that the Tony DiNozzo that he knew would have never challenged him in such a manner; the eager to please senior field agent had been replaced by the callous shell of a man who had been through hell and lived to tell about it.
"No," he sighed softly. "You'll be staying with me until you get on your feet. It's not a handout, it's one friend helping another friend."
Tony's expression softened slightly as he considered his words. Gibbs was relieved that DiNozzo actually remained in control of his temper. Whether he admitted it or not, Tony was terrified of hurting someone again, including Gibbs. "Tony?"
"What?"
"Want to talk?" Gibbs had no idea why he even asked Tony if he wanted to open up; he knew that the ex-agent wasn't ready, but he had felt compelled to offer to listen.
"No," Tony growled, his mask slipping firmly back in place. "So, one more day and I can leave?"
"As long as you rest and do what the doctor says."
"Fine. I'll do it."
Gibbs knew he had one more hurdle to cross. "There's one other condition that…"
"There always is," Tony sarcastically replied.
Gibbs despised placing such constraints on DiNozzo, but he didn't have a choice. "Dr. Neal wants you to remain under a doctor's care. I'm going to ask Ducky to come by and check on you periodically. It'll hopefully save you a few trips back to the hospital," he reasoned. "Is that okay?"
"Doesn't sound like I have much of a choice."
"I'm trying to help you, Tony. You've got to meet me halfway."
Tony nervously licked his lips. "I know," the young man whispered. "I know."
The Marine extended his hand, hoping that Tony would shake it; the miniscule action would demonstrate the first step towards rebuilding the trust between them. His heart sank when DiNozzo stared at his hand and then down at his blanket. He started to pull his arm back when Tony suddenly grabbed onto his wrist and met his gaze. After a few seconds, Tony released him and lay back against his pillow.
When Tony finally spoke, his voice was barely audible. Gibbs had to strain to hear what he was saying. "It's hard," DiNozzo began. "It's hard to comprehend the fact that I'm not going back to prison. I feel like I'm going to wake up and I'll find out it's a dream."
"It's not a dream," Gibbs tried to assure him.
Tony seemed to withdraw even more as he slid down beneath his blanket. Gibbs knew that DiNozzo was through talking for the moment and he had to respect his friend's wishes. His hand hovered over Tony's shoulder for a second before he stood up and headed towards the door. He needed some air and DiNozzo needed time alone. As he reached for the door knob, Tony called out to him.
"Gibbs?"
"Yeah?"
"I guess it'll be okay if Ducky…well, you know."
Gibbs smiled. "Yeah, I know. Get some rest, Tony; I'll be back later."
The team leader stepped outside and pulled the door closed behind him. Leaning against the wall, he blew out a breath and relished in the small triumph that he had just witnessed. For the first time in a long time, Gibbs felt a glimmer of hope. Now, all he had to do was to hang on to that hope and convince Tony to do the same.