Duo's treatments continued for the next two nights, then I planned to call a halt to them for the weekend. During the day Duo was still aggressive, prone to fits of anger and extreme agitation. His personal space bubble enlarged to almost twice its original size, and he became very unhappy if anyone invaded that bubble. Heero could get away with it, sometimes, as long he didn't try to touch him. If someone did manage to touch Duo only Heero could talk him back down, and I guessed it was probably something left over from that first night. I couldn't enter the same room without getting a searing glare from him, though Sally did receive the same treatment the one time she stopped by and tried to talk to him. Sally suggested I give him a little more time, but my patience for Duo's behavior was running thin.
The treatments themselves improved, marginally. He wasn't as panicked during them as he had the first night, but he still fought us just a hard before them. They were still bad enough that I had to send Heero out of the house, but not bad enough to send Quatre crying from the room. That, or Quatre had just gotten used to Duo's temper tantrums.
But Duo was not my only worry, I realized soon. Not even a week after our discussion about his health and Quatre was once again starving himself, though much more mildly this time. To be honest, I had noticed his taking smaller portions even before Duo had started his touch-therapy, but I had hoped it was something that would pass. After our previous talk, I didn't want to think that Quatre hadn't listened and that drastic measures may need taken. With things going so wrong with Duo, I wasn't sure I could handle Quatre's problems again.
By Friday, though, I knew there was no way around it. Quatre was losing weight again, and though it was at a much slower pace this time it still wasn't good for his body to be denied nutrients at this stage in his recovery and development. Even a diet could do serious harm if it kept Quatre's body from getting the nutrients he needed. Quatre was simply too skinny to lose any more weight. It was risky with the low body fat and muscle content of his body to try to take any more out, and he could easily damage his organs. Besides, I didn't like twig-boys anyway. I'd be more attracted to him if he put on a few more pounds, not less. It was Friday afternoon by the time I got up the guts to talk to Quatre again. I had to take a little time before hand to prepare myself, to remind myself that Quatre wasn't deliberately disobeying me and getting mad wouldn't things. It was easy for me to forget these things, to blame Quatre for putting himself through this when I specifically told him it wasn't what I wanted, but my heart knew that Quatre was only trying to please me, and that made it easier. I called for Quatre at three o'clock, a free period that he usually spent watching Trowa practice his interpretive dance routine. "You wanted to see me, Master?" he wondered as he entered my office. His face was beginning to look a bit gaunt, but he hadn't lost his color like before. He might not be starving himself like before, but these eating habits would have to stop. "Yes, I did. Please have a seat," I told him motioning to the chair across from me. Quatre sat nervously, constantly casting glances at his hands. "Do you know why I've called you here"
"No, Master," he responded, guiltily avoiding my eyes. "I think you do," I replied, standing and walking to the window. "You've stopped eating again, haven't you"
"I... ah... not exactly. I've just been eating less," he replied, rubbing his hands together in a nervous gesture. I had to hope he didn't faint before I could wheedle the reason for all this out of him. "When you need to be eating more. Tell me, why would you go on a diet when I specifically told you not to"
"But you didn't!" Quatre insisted, his voice almost panicked. "You said I couldn't stop eating because it will hurt my concentration in practice, but I diet won't hurt my concentration at all!" he reasoned. "If I go slow with the diet, I'll be fine"
"You know that's not the only reason I told you not to diet, little one. And I specifically said not to stop eating, while I only gave vague reasons why you shouldn't. So why would you take the risk of dieting when it could very easily be considered the opposite of what I wanted? You've never been disobedient before, Quatre," I said, baiting him.
"I'm not!" he cried out, just as I had hoped. "I just... I just"
"Just what?" I asked him, moving close to his chair. He was very upset now, and I knew that I had the best chance of getting the truth out of him if he was upset. So I went for the kill. "I know you must have a very good reason for doing this, and I'll be very upset if you don't. Would you care to explain it to me, Quatre"
"You don't want me!" he sobbed, his control splintering under my interrogation. "You don't desire me at all! I thought... I though if I..." he tried, but dissolved into tears before he could finish. I pulled a chair over and rubber his back, calming him until he was able to speak again. "What would make you think I don't desire you?" I asked him. In truth, Quatre was a little too innocent for me, but I could see myself teaching him the art of love-making without any trouble. The biggest problem was that Quatre had yet to show that he would even be open to any kind of advance from myself, and I was having trouble coming on to him without any kind of invitation. I didn't want to force him or scare him into submission. I hoped that he would come to me of his own will, but that was starting to look like a hopeless dream.
"Y-you've taken all the other boys except me and Duo, and you t-talked about taking Duo after he was better, s-s-so it was just me that you never t-tried to t-take. I just... I wanted to have what they had with you. You always seemed so much closer to them, especially afterwards, that I felt like I was missing something. I thought"
"I know what you thought, little one, but it's not true," I told him easily, smiling reassuringly as I wiped away his tears. "I can prove right now that I desire you, Quatre, if you would like," I said, my tone implying a question. It was not hard to imagine myself taking the beautiful blue-eyed boy beside me, and I almost grew hard with anticipation, but I didn't want to pressure him, so I controlled myself.
"But I don't want to!" Quatre sobbed, burying his head back into my chest. I had to blink a few times to allow the words to settle.
"You want me to desire me, and you're jealous that I've had the other boys, but you don't want me to take you?" I wondered. "Quatre, that's..." I began, confused and annoyed. I hadn't thought of Quatre as jealous or prudish, but his actions said otherwise.
"No!" Quatre gasped, moving away from me to look into my eyes. "I want... I want what the others have! I want you... I want you to be with me," he said, then his face began to crumple, "But I don't want to do that!" he cried, and returned to his steady sobbing. I took a deep breath and patted his head where it had fallen against my shoulder, trying to understand exactly what was going through his head.
"So, let me get this straight. You want to be with me like the others have?" I asked. Quatre merely nodded against my shoulder. "And because you so desperately wanted to be with me, you starved yourself so that I'd like you better. And even when I said I didn't want you to stop eating you still couldn't stop because you thought I wasn't aroused by you?" Again, Quatre merely nodded. "And you think the only way for you to stop feeling like your inadequate is for me to take you, just like I took the other boys?" Another nod. "But you don't want to have sex with me?" This time a whimper and a nod, followed by several quick sobs. "Quatre, that's ridiculous"
"I know!" he gasped, crying hard again. "I just... I want to give you something back, for all the trouble you've put into me. I want... I want to give you a part of myself, like the others have. And I want for you to want the part of me that I'm offering"
"But you're not offering," I told him, trying to convey to him my confusion.
"No!" he told me firmly, pulling away from me and shaking his head. "If you asked me, I swear, I would lay down for you right now! I promise I would be as good as any"
"That's not what I mean!" I snapped, holding him still as he began to reach for me. "You do not want sex from me. Why?" I demanded. Quatre, hesitated, then looked away, tears in his eyes and in his voice once again.
"Because it hurts! And because it's dirty, and disgusting, and wet, and so very cold!" he whispered, quiet tears leaking down his face. Any annoyance I have was instantly gone. I could almost cry for him.
"Oh, sweet-heart, is that all you've known?" I asked him, and he turned to stare at me in confusion. "Was there never a time that you felt lust, before you were robbed of your innocence? Or were you too young?" I wondered. To not understand that love-making could involve pleasure for both participants... I'm sure the thought frightened me almost as much as it did him.
"I... I don't understand," Quatre responded. I smiled at him softly, wiping away his tears with my shirt sleeve. "You will, little one. You'll understand soon enough."
The treatments themselves improved, marginally. He wasn't as panicked during them as he had the first night, but he still fought us just a hard before them. They were still bad enough that I had to send Heero out of the house, but not bad enough to send Quatre crying from the room. That, or Quatre had just gotten used to Duo's temper tantrums.
But Duo was not my only worry, I realized soon. Not even a week after our discussion about his health and Quatre was once again starving himself, though much more mildly this time. To be honest, I had noticed his taking smaller portions even before Duo had started his touch-therapy, but I had hoped it was something that would pass. After our previous talk, I didn't want to think that Quatre hadn't listened and that drastic measures may need taken. With things going so wrong with Duo, I wasn't sure I could handle Quatre's problems again.
By Friday, though, I knew there was no way around it. Quatre was losing weight again, and though it was at a much slower pace this time it still wasn't good for his body to be denied nutrients at this stage in his recovery and development. Even a diet could do serious harm if it kept Quatre's body from getting the nutrients he needed. Quatre was simply too skinny to lose any more weight. It was risky with the low body fat and muscle content of his body to try to take any more out, and he could easily damage his organs. Besides, I didn't like twig-boys anyway. I'd be more attracted to him if he put on a few more pounds, not less. It was Friday afternoon by the time I got up the guts to talk to Quatre again. I had to take a little time before hand to prepare myself, to remind myself that Quatre wasn't deliberately disobeying me and getting mad wouldn't things. It was easy for me to forget these things, to blame Quatre for putting himself through this when I specifically told him it wasn't what I wanted, but my heart knew that Quatre was only trying to please me, and that made it easier. I called for Quatre at three o'clock, a free period that he usually spent watching Trowa practice his interpretive dance routine. "You wanted to see me, Master?" he wondered as he entered my office. His face was beginning to look a bit gaunt, but he hadn't lost his color like before. He might not be starving himself like before, but these eating habits would have to stop. "Yes, I did. Please have a seat," I told him motioning to the chair across from me. Quatre sat nervously, constantly casting glances at his hands. "Do you know why I've called you here"
"No, Master," he responded, guiltily avoiding my eyes. "I think you do," I replied, standing and walking to the window. "You've stopped eating again, haven't you"
"I... ah... not exactly. I've just been eating less," he replied, rubbing his hands together in a nervous gesture. I had to hope he didn't faint before I could wheedle the reason for all this out of him. "When you need to be eating more. Tell me, why would you go on a diet when I specifically told you not to"
"But you didn't!" Quatre insisted, his voice almost panicked. "You said I couldn't stop eating because it will hurt my concentration in practice, but I diet won't hurt my concentration at all!" he reasoned. "If I go slow with the diet, I'll be fine"
"You know that's not the only reason I told you not to diet, little one. And I specifically said not to stop eating, while I only gave vague reasons why you shouldn't. So why would you take the risk of dieting when it could very easily be considered the opposite of what I wanted? You've never been disobedient before, Quatre," I said, baiting him.
"I'm not!" he cried out, just as I had hoped. "I just... I just"
"Just what?" I asked him, moving close to his chair. He was very upset now, and I knew that I had the best chance of getting the truth out of him if he was upset. So I went for the kill. "I know you must have a very good reason for doing this, and I'll be very upset if you don't. Would you care to explain it to me, Quatre"
"You don't want me!" he sobbed, his control splintering under my interrogation. "You don't desire me at all! I thought... I though if I..." he tried, but dissolved into tears before he could finish. I pulled a chair over and rubber his back, calming him until he was able to speak again. "What would make you think I don't desire you?" I asked him. In truth, Quatre was a little too innocent for me, but I could see myself teaching him the art of love-making without any trouble. The biggest problem was that Quatre had yet to show that he would even be open to any kind of advance from myself, and I was having trouble coming on to him without any kind of invitation. I didn't want to force him or scare him into submission. I hoped that he would come to me of his own will, but that was starting to look like a hopeless dream.
"Y-you've taken all the other boys except me and Duo, and you t-talked about taking Duo after he was better, s-s-so it was just me that you never t-tried to t-take. I just... I wanted to have what they had with you. You always seemed so much closer to them, especially afterwards, that I felt like I was missing something. I thought"
"I know what you thought, little one, but it's not true," I told him easily, smiling reassuringly as I wiped away his tears. "I can prove right now that I desire you, Quatre, if you would like," I said, my tone implying a question. It was not hard to imagine myself taking the beautiful blue-eyed boy beside me, and I almost grew hard with anticipation, but I didn't want to pressure him, so I controlled myself.
"But I don't want to!" Quatre sobbed, burying his head back into my chest. I had to blink a few times to allow the words to settle.
"You want me to desire me, and you're jealous that I've had the other boys, but you don't want me to take you?" I wondered. "Quatre, that's..." I began, confused and annoyed. I hadn't thought of Quatre as jealous or prudish, but his actions said otherwise.
"No!" Quatre gasped, moving away from me to look into my eyes. "I want... I want what the others have! I want you... I want you to be with me," he said, then his face began to crumple, "But I don't want to do that!" he cried, and returned to his steady sobbing. I took a deep breath and patted his head where it had fallen against my shoulder, trying to understand exactly what was going through his head.
"So, let me get this straight. You want to be with me like the others have?" I asked. Quatre merely nodded against my shoulder. "And because you so desperately wanted to be with me, you starved yourself so that I'd like you better. And even when I said I didn't want you to stop eating you still couldn't stop because you thought I wasn't aroused by you?" Again, Quatre merely nodded. "And you think the only way for you to stop feeling like your inadequate is for me to take you, just like I took the other boys?" Another nod. "But you don't want to have sex with me?" This time a whimper and a nod, followed by several quick sobs. "Quatre, that's ridiculous"
"I know!" he gasped, crying hard again. "I just... I want to give you something back, for all the trouble you've put into me. I want... I want to give you a part of myself, like the others have. And I want for you to want the part of me that I'm offering"
"But you're not offering," I told him, trying to convey to him my confusion.
"No!" he told me firmly, pulling away from me and shaking his head. "If you asked me, I swear, I would lay down for you right now! I promise I would be as good as any"
"That's not what I mean!" I snapped, holding him still as he began to reach for me. "You do not want sex from me. Why?" I demanded. Quatre, hesitated, then looked away, tears in his eyes and in his voice once again.
"Because it hurts! And because it's dirty, and disgusting, and wet, and so very cold!" he whispered, quiet tears leaking down his face. Any annoyance I have was instantly gone. I could almost cry for him.
"Oh, sweet-heart, is that all you've known?" I asked him, and he turned to stare at me in confusion. "Was there never a time that you felt lust, before you were robbed of your innocence? Or were you too young?" I wondered. To not understand that love-making could involve pleasure for both participants... I'm sure the thought frightened me almost as much as it did him.
"I... I don't understand," Quatre responded. I smiled at him softly, wiping away his tears with my shirt sleeve. "You will, little one. You'll understand soon enough."