I thought Master would be upset when I told him that I was afraid to have sex with him. I thought he'd try to convince me that it wouldn't be bad with him. I thought he'd scold me for being cowardly. I thought he'd take me right there.
I never thought he'd send me away, like nothing had happened.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. I had opened my heart and told him my fears, only to be pushed away in the next moment. I knew Master had a lot to do, and I knew Duo needed his attention more than I did, but... still... I thought Master would notice me. Maybe it was selfish of me, and I had certainly told myself often enough how selfish it would be to starve myself only for a little attention, but in reality I was helpless to end these emotions and almost powerless to stop their results. I knew, now, that Master didn't want me to diet, and despite the excuses I made I knew I was doing the wrong thing. And yet the more I looked at myself, the more I watched the others around Master, the worse I felt about myself. And the worse I felt, the less I ate. I have no doubt that if Master hadn't interceded I would have been back to starving myself in a few weeks. I just.. I was so jealous and dejected that I just couldn't help myself. I wanted Master to look at me, and some part of me knew that dieting would make him see me, even if he was upset by what he saw.
But it was all for nothing, in the end. Master had more important things to do, and even though I had told myself this before it still stung. I hadn't known I was that unimportant to him, but I should have. I mean, really, what good was I? A sex-slave afraid to sleep with their master? It was laughable. I was a joke. I had my cooking class next, and I was so depressed that I burnt three different dishes, put half a cup of salt into my cake, and sprinkled pepper all over my cinnamon crescents. By four o'clock I had completely ruined dinner, and with only an hour left I had no idea what I was going to cook. I abhorred the thought of telling Master that I hadn't been able to complete the one task he set for me, but if I couldn't find something to cook soon that's exactly what I would have to do.
I ended up on my hands and knees in the cupboard, desperately searching for something I could make into a meal with the few ingredients I had available. I had been down there for nearly ten minutes, and nothing was forthcoming. I was very close to tears. "Quatre? Is something wrong?" I heard Trowa ask. I had completely forgotten that he was coming down to help with the dishes, and hit my head on the cupboard door in surprise. "Are you alright?" Trowa asked, coming to kneel beside me. "Ah... I'm fine," I said, wincing as I touched the bump on my head. "Just... do you smell smoke?" I wondered, sniffing the air before jumping to my feet. I had been making a bourbon sauce on the stove to go over the fish I had burned in the oven, and when I had tossed out the fish I had completely forgotten the sauce. If heated for too long at too high of a temperature a bourbon sauce could easily catch fire, and my sauce was merrily bubbling and burning away, throwing little flames all over the stove which sizzled before going out. I panicked, grabbing an oven mit and pulling the pan off the stove, but my fingers brushed the side of the hot pan. Startled by the searing pain in my finger I jumped and tossed the pan into the sink, where it splattered all over the cold steel and continued to burn away. Trowa came up behind me, level headed as always, and dumped a cup of flower over the pan, putting out the flames while I nursed my injured fingers. "Are you alright?" Trowa asked calmly, coming to stand in front of me. Gently, he pulled my injured fingers out of my mouth to look at them. They were only mildly red, I saw with shame, and I had certainly overreacted. I thought Trowa might be angry at me, but all he said was, "I think they should be alright," and brought my fingers to his lips to softly kiss the pain away. It broke me, and I suddenly found myself sniffling as tears cascaded down my face. "What's wrong?" Trowa asked, his eyes wide with concern. I could only shake my head, because speaking was far beyond me, and lean toward him. He captured me with his arms and held me securely as I cried myself out into his chest. "Care to tell me about it now?" he asked a few minutes later, when my tears had almost stopped.
"I-it's just been an awful day," I sighed, resting my cheek against him. "Master and I had a meeting and it... didn't go so well. I think he might be mad at me. And then the fish... and the cinnamon crescents... and the cake. I just ruined everything!" I cried, sobbing again. "I can't fail at this too, Trowa! I just can't"
"Shh," he soothed, running a hand through my hair. "Everything will turn out alright. I'll help, okay? Just stop crying"
"But what can you do?" I asked, looking up at his eyes. "I've ruined everything we have to eat. I ruin everything"
"No, you don't," Trowa countered, looking me in the eyes. "Now you can either keep crying, or we can fix dinner. Dry your eyes and grab that bag of noodles from the cupboard, and I'll show you how to make pasta Alfredo," Trowa said, giving me an encouraging nudge as I dried my eyes on my sleeve. The pasta was a simple dish, but I never would have been able to come up with it on my own. I was able to brighten the sauce with some fresh herbs I'd been using and I garnished every plate with a piece of parcely, but Trowa did most of the real work. I was lucky I was able to boil the water, after the day I'd been having. Dessert was a simple honey-sauce put over cinnamon icecream, but Trowa promised it would be delicious, and I believed him.
Dinner was right on time, set up as though I'd had the full two hours to prepare. If Master noticed that the food was of a lower quality than usual he didn't mention it, probably because he was too busy watching my plate to make sure I ate. I tried to eat a lot to make him happy, knowing that he hadn't been very happy at all with me lately, but the feel of his eyes on me made me so nervous that I felt nauseous, and I couldn't eat dessert. I'm sure that Master thought I did it just to disobey him, and knowing that just made me feel worse. I usually did the dishes and the laundry after dinner, but Trowa had helped me make dinner where he usually did the cooking dishes, so I had more dishes than usual and had to hurry to get the laundry done. As I rushed to get the laundry down to the basement I noticed Master talking quietly to Trowa in the doorway to his office, but I was in too much of a rush to listen in. I hoped Master hadn't found out about Trowa helping, but I was pretty sure that he would have scolded me instead of Trowa anyway. At least, I hoped so. I was still in the middle of doing laundry when I heard Duo fighting his shot and realized that I was late for the movie. I was tempted to run up the stairs, but there was still a full basket of laundry in the drier and a basket waiting to be folded, so I had to wait another twenty minutes before I was finished, though I did leave the baskets in the basement instead of taking them upstairs. I hurried to the den fully expecting to be scolded by Master, only to find that he hadn't arrived yet either. The movie was on, all the other boys were here, and Duo was sniffling beside Heero, so where was Master?
"He said he had something very important to do in his office," Trowa said, replying to my silent question. "He told us to start the movie, and that he'd be back as soon as he could"
"Oh," I replied, still a bit confused. Master was never late for the movie, and he was vehement that we be on time as well, but I was grateful for this one slip. At least Master hadn't caught me being late, and I quickly sat down beside Trowa, lest he find me in the doorway and figure it out. Master, it turned out, was half an hour late, joining us only ten minutes after I came up. Of course, he insisted as soon as he came in that Duo be moved to the middle, but Duo had gotten a little used to this now and only growled and pouted as Master pulled him away from Heero. The rest of the night went normally, although it seemed to me that Master was somewhat distracted from both the movie and Duo. Still, I didn't want to make him madder at me by asking him impertinent questions, so I was silent. I was actually starting a to feel a little better as I headed up the stairs for bed. I was feeling good enough, in fact, to play with the idea of talking to Master again, to apologize for my behavior earlier and explain my actions at dinner. It didn't seem like a totally bad idea, so I went to Master's room and found him speaking with Wufei outside the door. I paused, perfectly happy to wait for him to finish. Instead, Master merely glanced at me, then waved his hand at me in a shooing gesture. My face fell, and I turned to shuffle back to my own room. I wasn't even worth talking to.
Back in our room, Trowa was waiting for me with a bottle of my scar cream. Usually he would wait to put it on until I was ready for sleep, but tonight he was insistent, and I just didn't have the energy to fight him. He was already on the bed waiting for me, dressed only in his sleeping pants and still slightly damp from a quick shower, so I simply pulled off my shirt and sat heavily in front of him. He pulled me into position and began to rub my back, and the feel of his hands on me, the knowledge that he cared about me, was almost too much for me. I probably would have cried if I hadn't done so much of it already. Instead, I waited until Trowa finished and leaned back, putting my bare back against his bare chest. After a moment his arms came up to hold me, and I clasped his hands with my own. "You'll worry yourself sick if you keep this up," he warned me kindly. "There's no need for you to be so upset," he assured me. "Everything will work out in the end"
"Easy for you to say," I huffed moodily. "You're not the one Master's mad at"
"Who said I was mad at you?" Master said, startling us both by coming in unannounced. "I-I just thought"
"I know what you thought," Master replied, smiling at me. "And I'm going to prove you wrong. So what are you waiting for? Let's go"
"Go? Go where"
"Ah. That's a secret."
But it was all for nothing, in the end. Master had more important things to do, and even though I had told myself this before it still stung. I hadn't known I was that unimportant to him, but I should have. I mean, really, what good was I? A sex-slave afraid to sleep with their master? It was laughable. I was a joke. I had my cooking class next, and I was so depressed that I burnt three different dishes, put half a cup of salt into my cake, and sprinkled pepper all over my cinnamon crescents. By four o'clock I had completely ruined dinner, and with only an hour left I had no idea what I was going to cook. I abhorred the thought of telling Master that I hadn't been able to complete the one task he set for me, but if I couldn't find something to cook soon that's exactly what I would have to do.
I ended up on my hands and knees in the cupboard, desperately searching for something I could make into a meal with the few ingredients I had available. I had been down there for nearly ten minutes, and nothing was forthcoming. I was very close to tears. "Quatre? Is something wrong?" I heard Trowa ask. I had completely forgotten that he was coming down to help with the dishes, and hit my head on the cupboard door in surprise. "Are you alright?" Trowa asked, coming to kneel beside me. "Ah... I'm fine," I said, wincing as I touched the bump on my head. "Just... do you smell smoke?" I wondered, sniffing the air before jumping to my feet. I had been making a bourbon sauce on the stove to go over the fish I had burned in the oven, and when I had tossed out the fish I had completely forgotten the sauce. If heated for too long at too high of a temperature a bourbon sauce could easily catch fire, and my sauce was merrily bubbling and burning away, throwing little flames all over the stove which sizzled before going out. I panicked, grabbing an oven mit and pulling the pan off the stove, but my fingers brushed the side of the hot pan. Startled by the searing pain in my finger I jumped and tossed the pan into the sink, where it splattered all over the cold steel and continued to burn away. Trowa came up behind me, level headed as always, and dumped a cup of flower over the pan, putting out the flames while I nursed my injured fingers. "Are you alright?" Trowa asked calmly, coming to stand in front of me. Gently, he pulled my injured fingers out of my mouth to look at them. They were only mildly red, I saw with shame, and I had certainly overreacted. I thought Trowa might be angry at me, but all he said was, "I think they should be alright," and brought my fingers to his lips to softly kiss the pain away. It broke me, and I suddenly found myself sniffling as tears cascaded down my face. "What's wrong?" Trowa asked, his eyes wide with concern. I could only shake my head, because speaking was far beyond me, and lean toward him. He captured me with his arms and held me securely as I cried myself out into his chest. "Care to tell me about it now?" he asked a few minutes later, when my tears had almost stopped.
"I-it's just been an awful day," I sighed, resting my cheek against him. "Master and I had a meeting and it... didn't go so well. I think he might be mad at me. And then the fish... and the cinnamon crescents... and the cake. I just ruined everything!" I cried, sobbing again. "I can't fail at this too, Trowa! I just can't"
"Shh," he soothed, running a hand through my hair. "Everything will turn out alright. I'll help, okay? Just stop crying"
"But what can you do?" I asked, looking up at his eyes. "I've ruined everything we have to eat. I ruin everything"
"No, you don't," Trowa countered, looking me in the eyes. "Now you can either keep crying, or we can fix dinner. Dry your eyes and grab that bag of noodles from the cupboard, and I'll show you how to make pasta Alfredo," Trowa said, giving me an encouraging nudge as I dried my eyes on my sleeve. The pasta was a simple dish, but I never would have been able to come up with it on my own. I was able to brighten the sauce with some fresh herbs I'd been using and I garnished every plate with a piece of parcely, but Trowa did most of the real work. I was lucky I was able to boil the water, after the day I'd been having. Dessert was a simple honey-sauce put over cinnamon icecream, but Trowa promised it would be delicious, and I believed him.
Dinner was right on time, set up as though I'd had the full two hours to prepare. If Master noticed that the food was of a lower quality than usual he didn't mention it, probably because he was too busy watching my plate to make sure I ate. I tried to eat a lot to make him happy, knowing that he hadn't been very happy at all with me lately, but the feel of his eyes on me made me so nervous that I felt nauseous, and I couldn't eat dessert. I'm sure that Master thought I did it just to disobey him, and knowing that just made me feel worse. I usually did the dishes and the laundry after dinner, but Trowa had helped me make dinner where he usually did the cooking dishes, so I had more dishes than usual and had to hurry to get the laundry done. As I rushed to get the laundry down to the basement I noticed Master talking quietly to Trowa in the doorway to his office, but I was in too much of a rush to listen in. I hoped Master hadn't found out about Trowa helping, but I was pretty sure that he would have scolded me instead of Trowa anyway. At least, I hoped so. I was still in the middle of doing laundry when I heard Duo fighting his shot and realized that I was late for the movie. I was tempted to run up the stairs, but there was still a full basket of laundry in the drier and a basket waiting to be folded, so I had to wait another twenty minutes before I was finished, though I did leave the baskets in the basement instead of taking them upstairs. I hurried to the den fully expecting to be scolded by Master, only to find that he hadn't arrived yet either. The movie was on, all the other boys were here, and Duo was sniffling beside Heero, so where was Master?
"He said he had something very important to do in his office," Trowa said, replying to my silent question. "He told us to start the movie, and that he'd be back as soon as he could"
"Oh," I replied, still a bit confused. Master was never late for the movie, and he was vehement that we be on time as well, but I was grateful for this one slip. At least Master hadn't caught me being late, and I quickly sat down beside Trowa, lest he find me in the doorway and figure it out. Master, it turned out, was half an hour late, joining us only ten minutes after I came up. Of course, he insisted as soon as he came in that Duo be moved to the middle, but Duo had gotten a little used to this now and only growled and pouted as Master pulled him away from Heero. The rest of the night went normally, although it seemed to me that Master was somewhat distracted from both the movie and Duo. Still, I didn't want to make him madder at me by asking him impertinent questions, so I was silent. I was actually starting a to feel a little better as I headed up the stairs for bed. I was feeling good enough, in fact, to play with the idea of talking to Master again, to apologize for my behavior earlier and explain my actions at dinner. It didn't seem like a totally bad idea, so I went to Master's room and found him speaking with Wufei outside the door. I paused, perfectly happy to wait for him to finish. Instead, Master merely glanced at me, then waved his hand at me in a shooing gesture. My face fell, and I turned to shuffle back to my own room. I wasn't even worth talking to.
Back in our room, Trowa was waiting for me with a bottle of my scar cream. Usually he would wait to put it on until I was ready for sleep, but tonight he was insistent, and I just didn't have the energy to fight him. He was already on the bed waiting for me, dressed only in his sleeping pants and still slightly damp from a quick shower, so I simply pulled off my shirt and sat heavily in front of him. He pulled me into position and began to rub my back, and the feel of his hands on me, the knowledge that he cared about me, was almost too much for me. I probably would have cried if I hadn't done so much of it already. Instead, I waited until Trowa finished and leaned back, putting my bare back against his bare chest. After a moment his arms came up to hold me, and I clasped his hands with my own. "You'll worry yourself sick if you keep this up," he warned me kindly. "There's no need for you to be so upset," he assured me. "Everything will work out in the end"
"Easy for you to say," I huffed moodily. "You're not the one Master's mad at"
"Who said I was mad at you?" Master said, startling us both by coming in unannounced. "I-I just thought"
"I know what you thought," Master replied, smiling at me. "And I'm going to prove you wrong. So what are you waiting for? Let's go"
"Go? Go where"
"Ah. That's a secret."