Challenge: Deeks/Sam - "You wanna move this conversation somewhere more private?

Deeks sniffed at his drink, like he'd done at least ten times already that night. The eggnog was a little weak for his tastes. Maybe it was because he'd gotten accustomed to the brandy infused goodness that Nell usually made, and she had deferred that responsibility to Kensi this year. God bless her, he loved Kensi Marie Blye but she should never be allowed to prepare food or drinks. She had many gifts, but gastronomy was not one of them.

"The egg nog must be good, this is like, your fifth cup," Kensi said, sidling up next to him. Deeks had been crowd-watching, taking in all the sights and sounds of the festive season. This time of year brought back happy memories usually, unlike for Kensi. Her happiest Christmas memories all seemed to include him, and he hoped this year would be no different.

"It's awesome," he lied, grinning at her before taking another sip.

A million thoughts had been running through his mind lately. Life decisions, career decisions, family decisions. All of his years of avoidance had finally caught up to him, and of course, all at the same time. He finally introduced Kensi to his mother, and opened up communication with her again. The Internal Affairs investigation concluded and he was cleared of wrongdoing. That ordeal brought about a lot of concerns and questions, though, and in the end he decided to cut ties with LAPD and join NCIS.

That potentially wasn't even the biggest event of the year. Deeks had decided he was going to do something and do it right. He had saved up some money, bought a ring, and planned a romantic getaway to the mountains for the holidays. Another happy memory for Kensi, he hoped. One that would supersede the old memory of losing a fiancee on Christmas by gaining one instead.

But there was one more thing he needed to take care of first. Another secret. Kensi thought he'd gotten everything out the night he broke down with her during the heart of his investigation, but Marty Deeks was a master of secrets and lies. That quality made undercover work easy but made life hard as hell. If he was going to start a new life with Kensi, he would need to make some major changes to himself first. No more secrets, no more lies. There was a part of him that was buried so deep under all of his various personas that almost no one could find it. Even if Kensi had, he didn't think she would believe it.

Deeks placed a kiss on Kensi's shoulder. "I need to talk to Sam for a minute. You good?"

Kensi scoffed. "Good? I'm about to eat a hole in that plate of sausage balls over there. I'm great."

"Okay," Deeks laughed, shoving his hands in his pockets and crossing the lower floor of the Mission. Sam was having an animated conversation with Eric and Granger by the bullpen, most likely about the upcoming Rose Bowl based off of the dramatic throwing gestures Sam was making.

"It just doesn't have the same flair as it used to though, not since the playoff system was implemented," Granger grumbled as Deeks stepped into earshot.

"There's still the parade, though." Eric shrugged, and everyone (Deeks included) looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "What?"

"Nothing, man." Deeks shook his head. "You guys mind if I steal Sam for a second?"

Sam popped an eyebrow and stepped away from Eric and Granger. "What's up?"

"Um." Deeks looked around the room cautiously. "Maybe we wanna move this conversation to somewhere more private."

Sam stayed cool but tightened his lips. "Something on your mind?"

With his hands still in his pockets, Deeks spun on his heels and headed towards the burn room. Sam grunted and followed him, not speaking again until the door shut behind them. Nell had done a lot of end of the year cleanup that day. The room was still warm and smelled of fresh ashes. "Now you're really freaking me out. Has something happened?"

"No, not yet." Deeks hardened his face, the same way he has every other time they've had this conversation. Sometimes it was him that initiated it, other times Sam. Everything would be well and good afterwards, until it happened again. "This has to stop."

This, he called it. This never had a name or a label. This was almost never mentioned though it always lived somewhere in the back of their minds. The phrases "this has to end" or "this is over" have been uttered so many times that Sam was completely unfazed. He shrugged and reached for the door handle. "Okay."

Deeks placed a firm hand on Sam's chest. "No. This time is different."

"Every time is different, Deeks." Sam sighed. "And it is neither the time nor the place to be talking about this."

"It is the only time and place. I'm sure as hell not going to talk about this at home in front of Kensi. Do you want to get Michelle involved? I'm sure she'd be thrilled to find out about your extracurricular activities. Maybe she'd even ask for some tips."

"That's a dick move," Sam growled, eyes flashing. "If you're trying to piss me off, it's working."

"I'm sorry." Deeks grimaced. It had always been so easy for him to get under Sam's skin, from the very beginning of their working relationship. He was trying too hard to be firm and somehow just came out sounding like an asshole. Now was definitely not the time for that kind of behavior. "It has to be now. I'm…asking Kensi to marry me tomorrow."

Sam's face softened. "That's…great."

"I can't go into this life with her living a lie." He shook his head. "It's not right. It's not fair and I can't do it."

"You're right. It's not fair." The sad confirmation fell softly from Sam's lips. The sound made Deeks feel like he was suffocating. Sam had a wife and had to live with this guilt every single time they couldn't stay away from each other. It had to be so much worse for him.

This thing was never planned. Even when they tried to make sense of it they couldn't. All they could do was laugh at the improbability of two people that could barely get along being forced to survive an unbearable experience together, only to come out of it so connected that they couldn't figure out how to exist apart. It was funny in the unfunniest way possible how the act of breathing life into another man could change everything either of them ever knew. The first time it was because neither of them could figure out how to go back to normal, and the only place they could find understanding was with each other. Torture buddies, Deeks liked to call it. Sam laughed when he would say that. It's easier to laugh than to dwell on the truth.

There were other times too, way too many to count. When Michelle argued with Sam because she wanted to go back to work, or when Kensi was reassigned and Deeks couldn't stop worrying about her, or even when everything was fine and they just needed each other. But it was too much. It was time for them to get over what had happened and learn how to live like their old selves again. Hair jokes and old man mockery wouldn't have the same meaning anymore, though.

Deeks noticed that as his mind wandered, his hand remained on Sam. He couldn't quite let go yet. "Are we good?"

"Good," Sam answered, pulling Deeks' hand away from his chest. He lingered for a moment, then dropped it and opened the door to return to the party.

If anyone asked, Deeks would blame his weariness on the amount alcohol he consumed and not on his mental distress. This was the right thing. He was going to be a new man, an honest boyfriend and hopefully husband. That was what he wanted more than anything.

Kensi was waiting for him by his desk with both of their bags over her shoulders. "Hey, there you are. You alright?"

He forced a smile. "Yeah, but I think you should drive. Eggnog knocked me on my ass."

"I was gonna drive anyway," she quipped, and linked her arm in his. "We need to get to bed so we can get an early head start tomorrow. Not that I'm excited but okay, yes. I'm excited."

Deeks pulled her close and headed to the exit without looking back. "Yeah. Me too."