Hello to all my loyal readers! I once again find myself apologizing for the lengthy delay in posting. I wish that writing was something that I could do full time, but with three boys who have very busy schedules, a husband, work, and several other commitments, my time is limited. I write for my own enjoyment and I am honored that others enjoy my stories as well. I appreciate those who understand this and choose to stick with the story; your support and encouragement means the world to me. For those who would rather wait until the story is finished, I understand that as well. I haven't posted another chapter of Undertow yet because I only have about 3 chapters left and I am trying to get it all done so I can post it as a completed story.

So, after that public service announcement, on with the next post. Another emotional ride, so please hang on! A special note of thanks to my awesome beta (whom I forgot to mention last time), AZGirl. Any remaining mistakes are mine (translation: I changed a couple of things when she sent it back). Enjoy the post and thanks again for your support!

Part 20

Tony fought against the urge to throw up. He was still reeling from the memories that had recently assaulted him; the all too recent images coupled with the uncertainty of what Gibbs was going to say was causing his gut to churn. Maybe he should just tell the Marine that he was still too tired to talk and wanted to go back to sleep; of course, Gibbs would instantly know that he was lying because sleeping was the last thing he wanted to do now. So, his only option was to hear what Gibbs had to say and hope that he didn't lose the contents of his stomach all over the agent's floor.

He quickly schooled his features, still feeling that he couldn't afford to appear vulnerable to Gibbs and Ducky; the importance of appearing to be in control of his emotions weighed heavily on him. Tony wished that he could walk out the door and not look back; however, considering he could barely stand, he decided that he was going to have to tough it out. Swallowing hard, he finally managed to ask, "What do you want to talk to me about?"

Gibbs cleared his throat. "Ducky and I were talking," the older man began, pausing to spare a glance at the ME.

"And?" Tony pressed. Gibbs had never been one to beat around the bush, so he didn't expect him to start now.

"I was talking to Ducky and since he's going to be taking over as your doctor, I think he needs to look at your medical file."

Tony clenched his jaw to the point that he thought his teeth were going to shatter. The nausea that he was battling seemed to intensify at the thought of Ducky seeing his file. Logically, he knew that it made complete sense for the Scotsman to have access to his medical history, but that would mean that the doctor would know everything that had been done to him. It was bad enough that Gibbs knew, but for anyone else to possess that knowledge was almost too much for his frayed nerves to handle.

He visibly tensed when Gibbs placed a hand on his arm and called out to him. "Tony? Did you hear me?"

"Yeah."

"What do you think? Is it okay?"

"No." Since Gibbs was giving him an option, he was going to go with his initial response. Tony wasn't sure if his protest would even be taken into consideration, but he wasn't going down without a fight. He would have thought that his stubborn streak would have been beaten out of him while he was in prison, but there was still a spark inside of him and when fanned, would turn into a consuming fire. It was what had kept him alive and it was what would protect him from anyone getting too close again.

"Tony, I think you should reconsider," Gibbs said. "Ducky needs to know everything so that he can help…"

"Help me? What the hell does he think he's going to do?"

"DiNozzo," the team leader growled.

Tony knew that he was pushing the limits of the team leader's patience, but he didn't care. For some inexplicable reason, he wanted Gibbs to be as pissed off as he was. Ticking off the Marine was probably not the best idea he'd ever had, but at least the older man would be acting a little more normal. The warm and caring bit that he would demonstrate everyone in a while was becoming a bit too much to bear.

"Ducky reading my file won't change anything!"

"Maybe not, but at least he'll know…"

"What, Gibbs?" Tony challenged. "At least he'll know how messed up I am? I'm pretty sure he can figure that one out, Boss."

He winced at the unintentional slip of the tongue. It had felt so natural to call Gibbs by the all too familiar moniker, but Tony also knew he didn't deserve that privilege. Closing his eyes, he leaned back against the cushion and blew out a frustrated breath. Why couldn't Gibbs and Ducky just leave him alone?

"How about a compromise?" the ME suggested, his soothing tones reflecting the role of a peacemaker.

"Gibbs doesn't compromise," Tony shot back. He paused a few seconds before meeting his mentor's hardened gaze. Yes, he had definitely succeeded in pissing him off.

"He's right, I don't," Gibbs conceded.

"I think in this instance that you're going to have to," Ducky informed the lead agent.

Tony watched the doctor's movements as he sat down on the edge of the coffee table. He had to consciously stop himself from trying to move away from the elderly man. Although he knew that Ducky wouldn't hurt him, that didn't change the fact he couldn't fully trust the doctor. There wasn't anyone he could trust, including himself.

Ducky met Tony's hardened gaze. "First of all, I need to give you a quick examination and change those bandages—that is non-negotiable."

"And then what?"

"How about I look at the most recent injuries from your most recent hospitalization? I won't read anything else in your file without your permission."

Tony remained silent. The compromise seemed acceptable, but his lack of trust had him doubting the ME's words. He despised himself for his inability to trust; Ducky had never lied to him before but that didn't stop the doubts in the dark corners of his mind from making themselves known.

"Anthony, it is not our intention to upset you," Ducky reasoned. "However like Jethro said, I would have a better idea of your treatment if I knew…"

His harsh glare shifted between Gibbs and Ducky. Once again, Tony felt like he was being backed into a corner and his instinct was to come out swinging. His injuries prevented him from him any kind of physical altercation, but he knew that his words could be just as hurtful and venomous. Tony's tight voice reflected the tenuous control that he had over his emotions. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

"If you knew what?" he challenged. "If you knew everything that happened to me?" Tony cradled his ribs with his good arm as he sat up straighter. "Why? Why do you want to know? Why is it so freakin' important for you to know how many times my ribs were broken or how many times I had to get stitches? Why do you want to know about the times I was beaten until I was unconscious? Why do you want to know about the drugs that they forced me to take? Why do you want to know about…"

Tony stopped his tirade. He had said too much and now the look of pity that he was receiving from Ducky was too much to bear. Falling back against the couch, he bit back a gasp of pain. "Do whatever you want," he sighed. "I don't care anymore." He was tired—tired of fighting, tired of trying to gain some control of his life, and at the moment, he was tired of living.

"Tony?" Gibbs called out to him. The older man's demeanor had done a one eighty. The team leader was no longer on the defensive; he was trying to reach out to him, but Tony wasn't sure that he could handle the sympathetic vibes coming from the Marine.

"What?"

"Duck said he'd just look at the most recent…"

"It doesn't matter, Gibbs. Let him read it."

"Tony…"

"I said it doesn't matter!"

He felt like he was being smothered; Tony couldn't fight the overwhelming desire for some fresh air and more importantly some privacy so that he could get his emotions back under control. Sitting up, he purposefully ignored the constant ache that served as a reminder that he didn't have any business making any sudden moves. "Damn," he mumbled as he braced his ribs.

"Where do you think you're going?" Ducky inquired.

"Need…some air," Tony replied through clenched teeth.

"You need to rest, Anthony."

The young man began muttering a string of profanity under his breath. Once again, he was being told what do and although the doctor was genuinely concerned for him, Tony despised the fact that he wasn't being allowed to make his own decisions. Maybe he wasn't free after all.

"Where do you want to go?" Gibbs interjected.

"Outside." The first time that he had felt any sense of freedom had been when Gibbs had taken him out to the garden at the hospital; Tony needed to be able to experience that freedom again and he couldn't do it being cooped up in Gibbs' house.

"Want me to help you to the porch?"

Tony stared at Gibbs, his expression a mixture of uncertainty and disbelief. One minute, the team leader was pissing him off and then the next, he was bending over backwards to give him what he wanted. The duality of Gibbs' personality at the moment was confusing him. He was beginning to doubt that things would ever be normal between him and the older man again.

"Sure," he finally replied, knowing that he wouldn't make it that far without help.

"Want your chair?"

Tony knew that Gibbs was referring to the wheelchair that they had obtained for his use. He shook his head; the chair was far too confining for his liking and he also needed to get on his feet. Permitting Gibbs to help him stand, he leaned on him as they slowly made their way to the porch. Every step sent waves of pain throughout his body, but he managed to keep his features schooled and his moans silent.

When he finally sat down, a gasp escaped his lips as he sat back in the seat. He bit back another groan as Gibbs situated his knee, propping it up on the small table that had been beside him. Tony closed his eyes, relishing the breeze blowing against his face. The air was crisp, but he didn't mind; it was so different from the staleness of the prison that he had been accustomed to.

"It's a little bit chilly. Want a jacket?" Gibbs asked.

"No. Not right now."

The brilliance of the moon shattered the darkness of the night. Just like he had missed the warmth of the sun, Tony had missed the beauty that the night held; it was something that he would never take for granted again. Maybe when he was finally on his own again, he would take up camping. He had never been one to enjoy spending time roughing it, but the solitude and the desire to only have to rely on himself was becoming more appealing by the moment.

"I shouldn't have asked Ducky to look at your records," the team leader admitted. "I thought I was doing right by you, but I had no right to make that decision."

"No, you didn't."

He had no intention of cutting Gibbs any slack. Tony had spent years acting as a buffer for the Marine's foul moods and sometimes his mistakes, but those days were over. The past year had taught him that he had to stand up for himself because he couldn't trust anyone else to do it. Of course, Gibbs had repeatedly told him that he had his back and sometimes, Tony actually believed him; right now wasn't one of those times. Part of him hoped that the older man would stop trying to gain his trust, but he also knew that Gibbs would never give up; if he had, Tony knew he would still be in prison or dead.

"It's your decision," Gibbs conceded. "Unless it comes down to a matter of life or death, I won't push it."

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Guess I didn't think it through. I have no right to make these decisions for you."

Tony wasn't sure to say. In Gibbs' own unique way, he was offering an apology to him; he had never been sure how to act whenever the team leader showed any sign of remorse. After Kate had died, he had spent the next few days baiting the older man until Gibbs had started acting normal; however, Tony wasn't sure he had the energy to do so again.

"Thanks," he replied, electing not to get into another debate with Gibbs.

"You're welcome."

His gaze followed Gibbs as he sat down in the chair beside him. There was something off with the other man. The agent obviously had something else on his mind and unfortunately, Tony felt obligated to ask about what was consuming Gibbs' thoughts. "Something else wrong?"

Shaking his head, Gibbs answered, "No. Not really."

"Not really?"

"Your lawyer called. Seems like she was able to push your paperwork through; she's got a court date for you to appear before the judge."

"Court?" Tony slowly exhaled as he absorbed the news. Images of sitting in the courtroom as he listened to the evidence mounting against him, his name and reputation being destroyed by people he didn't know began to sift through his mind. The thoughts of setting foot back into a court room made him physically sick. He cradled his head in his hand as he fought back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him.

Suck it up, DiNozzo. He knew that this was just another step towards his freedom that he was going to have to take. It wasn't going to be easy, but nothing had been easy for the past year. "When?" he finally managed to ask.

"Day after tomorrow."

"That's fast."

"Actually, it's long overdue."

Tony shrugged. "I guess." He wasn't sure that he agreed with Gibbs. Tony was still convinced that he had deserved everything that he had gotten; if there hadn't been something wrong with him, then a jury of his peers wouldn't have convicted him and sent him to prison.

"So, I guess I better make myself presentable." Tony was talking more to himself than to Gibbs, but the team leader managed to hear what he had said.

"You don't have to worry about that tonight."

"Actually, I'll probably worry about it for the next two days," Tony reluctantly admitted. He had no idea why he so freely revealed that particular insecurity to Gibbs, but he definitely couldn't pretend that the words hadn't escaped his lips. "But thanks for giving me a heads up; I guess you figured out that I don't like surprises."

"Yeah, I kind of got that," Gibbs smirked.

Tony tiredly smiled as he sank deeper into the chair. "I'm gonna stay here for a while."

"All right. I'll bring you some more coffee."

As Gibbs stood to go back into his house, Tony called out to the older man. "Tell Ducky that it's nothing against him." He really hadn't wanted to hurt the ME's feelings; it had been a while since he had to think about someone other than himself.

"He knows, DiNozzo," the agent assured him. "He knows."

Tony nodded and then turned his gaze back to the quiet street; at the moment, he felt like he could stay on Gibbs' front porch forever. He found himself grateful for the solitude and the feeling of being semi-liberated that he was experiencing; however, it didn't keep him from worrying that everything would be taken away from him when he appeared before the judge. Tony knew that he shouldn't borrow trouble, but considering how his luck had run the past year, it was a hard habit to break.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Gibbs walked back in his house to find Ducky pouring a cup of coffee. He nodded his thanks as he took the offered cup and took a sip of the steaming brew. The team leader watched as the ME poured another cup and began to sweeten it with sugar and the hazelnut creamer that he kept stocked just for DiNozzo. Gibbs could vividly recall the first time Tony had come to his house after he had moved to D.C. from Baltimore.

He had offered his new agent a cup of coffee and after one sip, the younger man had immediately sought out something to sweeten the strong beverage. Ever since then, he had kept a supply of sugar and creamer for Tony whenever he came over. Once he learned that Tony was going to be released into his custody, he had thrown out the sweetener that had long passed its expiration date and had bought a new supply so that DiNozzo would have it for his coffee.

"I figured that Anthony was ready for another cup as well," Ducky stated.

"Yeah, he is."

He set his own cup on the counter and took Tony's cup from the Scotsman. "I'll be right back." Within a minute, he had taken DiNozzo his cup of coffee and had returned, making sure the door was closed behind him. Gibbs knew that the best thing for Tony right now was to give him the privacy and the time alone he desired.

"How's he doing?" the older man inquired.

"He's all right; or as all right as he can be. He took the news of the court date better than I thought."

"That's good. I'm sure he's more anxious than we are to get his name cleared."

Gibbs nodded. Who knew exactly what Tony was thinking? He was once able to see behind the façade that DiNozzo wore, but now, the wall barricading Tony's emotions was so strong that he wasn't sure anyone could penetrate it ever again. However, he wasn't going to stop trying. Gibbs realized that DiNozzo had changed and he was going to have to accept that, but at the same time, there had to be a remnant of the man he once knew.

Clearing his throat, he said, "I told him that unless it was a matter of life and death, you didn't need to read his file. I thought I was doing right by him, Duck. It seems that I was wrong – again. I'm not sure I can do anything right anymore."

"When did this turn into a pity party?" Ducky chided. "Have you ever considered the possibility that you two are just going to have to start from square one? Do you remember how Anthony was when he first came to NCIS? He didn't trust anyone; his past experiences had left him wary and it took a year before you were able to get it through his thick skull that you weren't going to throw him under the proverbial bus as so many had done before you."

"I remember." Gibbs retrieved his cup of coffee and sat on the couch. "I remember him taking so many chances when he first started, but he eventually figured out that we were a team."

"Yes," Ducky chuckled. "He finally came to his senses, especially after you head slapped him when he got clipped by that car."

"He could have been killed."

"He saved your life."

"In more than one way." Gibbs knew that Ducky would understand that he was referring to the hole that Shannon and Kelly had left in his heart when they were killed. Tony had become like a son to him and in turn, Gibbs had fulfilled that paternal vacancy in DiNozzo's life as well.

"Just as you have saved his life many times," Ducky pointed out. "Just as you did a couple of weeks ago when you presented the evidence that will clear his name."

Gibbs set his coffee down and leaned back against the cushion. He was so tired. The events of the past year were catching up with him and he was feeling overwhelmed. Pressing his palms against his eyes, he struggled to keep his emotions at bay. How could he help Tony if he was falling apart?

"Jethro?" Ducky called out to him. "Are you all right?"

"Nope."

"I'm here if you want to talk."

The team leader stared at his ceiling. The comfortable silence between the two old friends allowed him to collect his scatter thoughts. "I keep screwing up, Duck," Gibbs admitted. "I want to help him, but I keep hitting brick walls!" He met the doctor's concerned gaze; his friend's eyes exuded compassion and understanding that he didn't deserve. "Do you know why I wanted you to read his file?"

"So that I could help Anthony?"

He shook his head. "No. So I wouldn't have to carry the burden alone. I wanted someone else to know everything that happened to Tony so I wouldn't have to…" Gibbs swallowed hard. "He's got so much going on physically and emotionally and I don't know how to handle it. I can't fix him!"

"And therein lies your problem, Jethro," Ducky pointed out. "He doesn't need you to fix him; Anthony needs you to help him figure out how he's going to start over. Tony knows he can't change the past, but he has a definite say in his future; the problem is that he's scared that the other shoe is going to drop and everything will be taken away from him once again."

"I'm scared too. I'm terrified that…"

A lump formed in his throat, preventing him from speaking. He had never been one to let his emotions control him, but exhaustion and worry had truly taken their toll on him. "I'm terrified that I've lost him. I feel like I'm losing my…my son. Every time I look at him and the pain he's in, I feel like my heart is being ripped out. I just want him to get better."

"It's going to take time," Ducky reminded him. "And a lot of patience."

"Something I don't have a lot of."

"No, but I have a feeling that you're going to learn vast amounts of patience in the next few months."

Ducky gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze as Gibbs sat up. "Remember, Jethro; you don't have to do this alone. You may be the only one Tony wants to talk to right now, but you have the rest of us to lean on. Please don't forget that."

Gibbs nodded his head in agreement. "I know. Thanks, Duck."

"You're welcome. Now, I am going to see if Anthony is ready to change his bandages and then I am going home. It's mother's bridge night and I have to hide the scotch."

The team leader watched the ME as he gathered his medical bag and headed towards the front door. He listened to Ducky's cultured voice as the doctor asked Tony's permission to change his bandages. Satisfied that DiNozzo was going to allow Ducky to take care of him, he lay over on the couch and began to doze. It felt so good to be able to relax; he truly needed a good night's sleep and hoped that tonight would be the first of many more nights of sound slumber.

He heard the door open, startling him to sit upright. Glancing towards the door, he saw the ME grinning at him. "Something wrong?" he asked.

Ducky shook his head. "No. I've changed his bandages and he said that he's ready to come back in. He also wants to know something else."

"What's that?"

The smirk that danced upon the physician's lips puzzled Gibbs. "He wants to know if he should get a haircut before he goes to court," Ducky answered. "If so, he said that he needed to borrow some money and that he didn't want to go to your barber."

Gibbs couldn't help but grin. Perhaps there was hope after all.