A/N: First of all, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. This chapter will be a bit lengthy, but I hope that you will like it. Reviews are much appreciated.
Chapter 30: The beast within
I was never the kind of a woman who ran from her problems. On the contrary, I'd face them readily, using any means necessary to solve them or dispose of that who proved to be the source of my problems.
But not this time.
For all my effort, I could not think of one good way of solving the uncomfortable situation that had arisen. The trouble was, I couldn't think at all about it, my chest felt like all of the air was being pushed out of my lungs when I thought back to the incident. So I did the right thing, I ran, I ran as far as I could.
It just so happened that one Wednesday, I could not run anymore.
I had been avoiding Zabini like the plague for two weeks now, but he was catching up. And as I walked back to the common room in the dead of the night, my luck had run out.
I was walking slowly, for it was two in the morning. Who in the world would be awake in this hour? Not even Serpen accompanied me, choosing to retire for the evening much sooner than I had.
But I was wrong, someone else was awake, and tired as I was, I heard footsteps clearly, freezing the blood in my veins.
Whoever it was wished not to reveal his presence, which could never be good, so I reached for my wand slowly, gently.
"No need for that." I heard a voice say, and I knew well to whom it belonged to. "Not tonight Rose."
My newly acquired knowledge did little to ease my mind, quite the opposite. Every nerve in my body was tense, ready to run. It was this precise corridor that haunted me for weeks, I was sure of it.
I struggled with my breathing, panic arising in my chest. What if he came closer?
That thought alone had me spin on my heel, raising my wand at Zabini, ready to hex him should he move even an inch.
I was surprised to find that he was standing quite a distance away from me, making no move to come closer. His hands were empty, his wand tucked away, not necessary for him as it seemed.
"Get lost" I hissed at him, anger and fear spurring my actions.
He seemed worried, afraid even, and I allowed a cruel smirk to form on my lips. Good, he should be afraid of me. Yet there was a tiny moment, the shortest second, in which I was hurt by his fear. Needless to say, I was quick to banish such ridiculous concepts from my mind. I felt nothing for him. Nothing.
"No." replied he calmly, raising his hands up, palms facing forward in a sign of good intentions. "I won't leave Rose, not before you hear me out. But I will not come any closer either."
I did not trust him, not one word out his mouth was to be believed.
"As if I'd believe you." I hissed, once more demanding "get lost!"
"I'm sorry Rose." Spoke he, ignoring my demand completely, "I truly am."
"I do hope you are sorry enough to leave." I hissed , stepping back from him, afraid of myself just as much as I was afraid of him. I could not trust myself in his presence, there was something wrong with my mind when he stared at me.
"I'm sorry that I scared you." Continued he, completely ignoring me once more. "I truly am. It was never my intention to frighten you, nor would I ever harm you. But I am more sorry that you do not see that, that you won't see that."
He raised one hand to his head, running it through his short hair, sighing. He looked somehow… sad.
What was he sad about?
I wished to kick myself for wondering. Who cares what he was sad about? Apparently, I do. Curse him to one thousand painful deaths.
"You don't know how hard it is, how impossibly difficult it is to keep hopping that one day, you'd change your mind." Spoke he, his dark eyes meeting mine with such intensity that I could almost feel the sincerity in his words. "And even worse, I know that it is most probable that you won't. That I don't have a chance. You don't know what that does to me, and I know that you don't care."
What was he talking about? Was he, was he… giving up on me?
I was hit by a sense of panic at that thought, and for some reason, I could not, I would not allow it. He couldn't give up. Not now when I…. He couldn't give up. Not him.
"Worse still, I know that you need me." He closed his eyes for a moment, running his hand over his face and furrowing his eyebrows. "I want to help you Rose, but you won't let me. If you'd just let me…"
He was giving up on me. I was angry at that, for some reason, I was furious. He too would leave me.
"I tried to give up, I tried to get rid of the feelings you hate so." Spoke he, opening his eyes once more, focusing them on me and somehow, the weight of his stare glued my feet to the floor. "But I can't. I'm tired Rose, I can't keep struggling against the current, not unless there is a raft."
Heavy silence settled between us and I looked away from him finally, focusing on the wall to my left, finding it the most interesting thing in the world.
He sighed once more, and I felt urgency settle in my mind. I had to do something, no matter how irrational that need was. I had to stop him. Because… I didn't hate him.
"I'll see you around Rose." Spoke he, and I felt that there was something final in his words, something heavy, something ominous. Like this was our last talk.
He turned around, his shoulders bent as if there was a heavy burden on them.
He made a step forward slowly, then one more, and one more, and my mouth opened, words coming out before I could even understand what I was saying.
"Rafts sink." I spoke, my voice entirely too loud, a note of urgency creeping into them.
He stopped in his tracks, waiting.
"The only thing that can truly break a current is a swimmer stronger than it." I spoke, and as he made to turn, I too spun on my heel, leaving before I could say something even more idiotic. I could have told him not to give up outright while I was at it.
I was stupid. Bloody thick, ruining the only chance I had of ridding myself of the obnoxious boy.
I picked up my pace, now almost running, afraid of what was behind me, and terrified of not knowing what lay ahead.
I find fear a most curious emotion, one worthy of much contemplation. It is fear that drives us, fear of falling, fear of heights, fear of death, fear of life. It makes us hide, it makes us retreat, and in many cases, it makes us run.
I suppose it is an instinctive reaction, a need to preserve our lives. You see something threatening, hear it, or even just sense it, and you run. Merlin, you run faster than you have ever ran before. You run as your breath hitches, as it comes out in violent gaps, as your legs lose power, as pain settles in your limbs, as fatigue claims you. And then, there comes a point when even the greatest of runners stop.
That night, I stopped.
I was cross, very, very cross. How dared he try and give up on me? Worse yet, how dared he act like nothing had happened?
He had approached me the next day, acting as though nothing had come to pass the previous night, as if I had not spouted the most ridiculous statement of my life. As if I had not stopped him from giving up on me.
I took up his game, playing my part well, but bubbling over with rage on the inside. What was happening? Since when did he matter so much that I would concern myself with his behaviour daily? What did it matter if he thought this or that? Curse him one thousand times.
And that life-altering night, he approached my couch as if that was the most normal place for him to be, sitting down and allowing my snake to settle on those brutishly strong shoulders of his.
I had been writing my Defence against the dark arts essay, having charmed a book to levitate before me, serving as a desk upon which I placed a piece of parchment, an inkpot hovering on the left of the book.
I had not acknowledged his arrival, but to say that I had not noticed him, nor the fact that he had chosen to settle on the other end of the couch, as far away as he could from me, would be a lie.
My blood chilled in my veins as I felt the couch give underneath his weight, my lungs felt like bars were pressed tightly against them, preventing me from breathing normally. A feeling of urgency settled in my chest, a dual sort of sensation. In the same time it demanded that I spoke up, that I addressed him, that I listened to his voice, and that I stood up that instant, making a run for it.
Not that I would run.
"Good evening Rosey" called he cheerily, and my hand faltered as I was about to finish a sentence. "And to you little snake."
Only that moron would call Serpen little, he was fully grown now, reaching well over two metres in length.
I forced myself to act normally, and not as if a troll had just clubbed me. He could not notice that something was amiss, and it was imperative that I found out what it was that caused this odd sensation in me. I had to get rid of it, now.
Respond Rosalind, you have faced Death Eaters, you killed them, you can respond to Zabini.
"Good evening Zabini." I found myself saying, having little control of the words that were leaving my mouth. "Goodbye Zabini."
Good, that was normal.
He laughed loudly and I was shocked by the sound. I never realized how deep his voice was when he laughed.
Slapping myself mentally, I forced my hand to continue writing. What I was writing, I had no idea, and that thought made me realize just how urgent indeed it was for me to rid myself of this blasted sensation.
"Always so welcoming" responded he after a while and I blatantly refused to look at him. "What are you writing Roseycheeks?"
"An essay." I snapped at him, deciding that anger was one very suitable emotion. Not suspicious at all.
"For which subject?" inquired he and I ignored him, now genuinely cross with myself, having realized that I was rewriting my last sentence. Focus Rosalind, focus.
"Rosey."
The best way to rid oneself of a Dementor is….
"Rosey."
No, you don't use a bloody Cheering charm on a Dementor Rosalind, you complete, blubbering idiot.
I took out my wand, pointing it at the text, cross beyond words. I deserved a Dementor right about now.
"Roseeeeeey!" called Zabini, and the proximity of his voice startled me, having me accidentally erase my entire work. I was going to kill him.
My head snapped to the side, and I glared at him as he smiled, having scooted slightly closer to me.
"What. Is. It?" I snapped, and from my tone alone it should have been obvious that the only valid reason for disturbing me was fire, death, or both. Preferably his.
"I'm bored." Purred he, a seductive smirk on his lips. "Any suggestions?"
Drown in Goblin's spit.
"Practice. For. Your. Bloody. OWLS." I managed through my grit teeth, knowing that my original thought was by far too vulgar to be voiced in public.
He smiled at me, pulling out his wand and I turned away from him sharply, chanting dark curses as a means of self-control.
"Will you train me Roseycheeks?" asked he, and I saw my hand curling into a fist. Do not smite the insolent boy, do not smite the insolent boy…
"Not while I am still in my right mind." I hissed at him, focusing on my parchment once more, so cross as to not have noticed Serpen moving to my lap, ushered by Zabini.
Some time had passed in relative peace, the bloody moron waving his wand and practicing some of his assigned charms, on human subjects or otherwise, and I had not paid much attention to him until he moved to a rather advanced spell.
"Expecto Patronum!" spoke he, making a circular motion with his wand, creating a silver mist.
"Expecto Patronum!" called he again, to the same result, and I rolled my eyes at him, noticing the problem. He was making a circle, but not in the right direction. Instead of clock wise, the moron was doing it anti-clockwise.
A couple of more mists after that and my patience was at its limit.
As he tried again, doing it wrong, more stubborn than a troll, I hissed at him from the corner of my lips.
"It's clockwise you complete idiot!"
He stopped in the middle of forming a circle, contemplating my suggestion, before coming to the brilliant conclusion that I was indeed, right.
"Thank you Roseycheeks!" grinned he, and I glanced at him shortly, making a fatal mistake.
"Expecto Patronum!" chanted he, still maintaining eye contact with me, and for the first time, his Patronus was fully corporal. I forced my eyes to obey my mind and look away, only to have my heart stop working completely.
A fox.
His patronus was a fox.
I stood up suddenly at that, needing to find a certain annoying feline, needing her help now more than ever in my life. I never looked back once, not to see that my familiar hissed after me, not to see Blaise's reaction to my outburst. I just walked, panic settling in my mind for I now knew exactly what was happening. And I needed to stop it, now.
My steps were loud to my ears in the barren halls as I briskly marched across the castle, the Gryffindor common room my destination.
But I could not focus on how I would get there, trusting my feet to know the path well, trusting the castle to aid me in arriving to my destination, for my own mind would not.
This could not be happening. Not now, not to me.
It simply was not possible.
But I had seen it with my own eyes. And if I thought about it, everything seemed to add up. So, I chose not to think about it, the reality, the certainty of my conclusion shattering my life, forcing me to watch as everything I had worked for turned to rubble.
No. No.
I never felt anything. I was always so very empty, it would not stand to reason that I did now, and worst of all, that I felt something for him.
But as dread settled in my stomach, like a rabid wolf, tearing my insides apart, one painful stroke at a time, I knew this had nothing to do with reason.
I climbed up the staircase, noticing only then that I had left without my coat, only in my shirt and tie. The thought was fleeting, gone in the next second, and I could almost see it slip away from my grasp, as I was unable to focus on anything but one word in my panic.
Arielle.
She would help me, she had to.
I blinked once as I arrived in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, a plump woman wearing an atrocious pink gown and sporting a disgusted expression, presumably in reaction to recognising me.
I raised my chin up at her, meeting the eyes of the painted woman, sneering at her "Open!"
She seemed rather surprised by this demand, and assumed a haughty, if not smug tone, demanding "Password?"
"Now!" I hissed at her, losing my patience with the obnoxious woman rapidly. How dared she defy me? A soul heir of one of the founders of the castle?
Oh. That's right, she didn't know that. Curses.
"No password" spoke she, tensing up at my tone, "no entry."
I reached in my robes, pulling out my wand in one swift motion, causing the chatter that had broken out among other portraits to die down in shock.
"I suggest you think again!" I hissed, raising my wand up at her, ready to blast her out of the way if it proved to be necessary.
Pregnant silence settled over the scene, and one young, female voice broke it, speaking up behind me.
"What are you doing?" asked a girl, and I turned around slowly, another idea coming to mind.
She was short, a first year most likely, had black, curly hair and large grey eyes. And most important of all, she was a Gryffindor.
It seemed that she had not recognised me from behind, but now, she knew rather well just who it was that she dared to call out. Her large eyes widened in fear and her gaze instinctively travelled to my wand, that was now aimed at her, more precisely, at her heart.
She knew well who I was, and she was frightened, very frightened indeed.
Good.
"Entering your common room." I smirked at her, walking around her slowly, the child turning in accordance with me, now positioned between me and the obnoxious portrait.
"B-but you're not a-a-a " stuttered she in her fear, and I raised an eyebrow, my panic now momentarily out of my mind.
"A Gryffindor? Thank Merlin, I am not." I responded, and the Fat Lady decided to interfere, trying to protect the little cub.
"Leave- leave her out of this!" demanded she, and my smirk was momentarily gone from my lips, now replaced by an angry glare.
"Shut up!" I hissed at her, looking back to the portrait, the sight of which reminded me of why exactly it was that I was forced to enter the lion's den.
Panic once more claimed my mind and I focused on the girl before me, who looked like she might wet herself any moment now. "I do not have much patience little girl, and therefore, I suggest you do as you're told willingly, or I will make you do so."
The girl seemed shocked to silence and I hissed at her "Password. Now!"
"M-manticore." stuttered the girl and I snapped my head to the side, to see the portrait observing her little ward with worry.
"You heard her!" I snapped, meeting the painted eyes, "Open!"
As ordered, the portrait swung open slowly and I marched past the little girl who seemed frozen in place by her fear, my wand raised as I stepped through the narrow opening into a bright room, filled with blabbering, laughing, pranking idiots.
All of that noise, that infernal chatter died down in shock as all eyes focused on me, and mine searched the room.
I found Arielle seated on a windowsill of all places, dressed as if she was about to go for a run, her long red hair pulled up in a high ponytail. Shadow was seated beneath her feet, which she was swinging casually, chatting with the Weasley twins. One of them was leaning sideways against the wall, resting on his own arm, and the other was on the other side of the window, his back against the stone wall, arms crossed on his chest leisurely.
For a moment, all was still, and then, in a flurry of movement, I found myself surrounded by a dozen wands.
My eyes scanned the room shortly, only to see that the Weasleys were the only ones not to have drawn their wands, and did not seem all that happy about it.
Normally, I would taunt the felines, but this was by far too urgent of a situation.
"Lindsy" came a voice and Arielle jumped from her seat cheerfully. "I'd say it's good to see you, but frankly, you look like shit."
She spoke this with a smile, dancing past the raised wands and coming to a stop in front of me, her normally infectious wide smile disappearing from her face gradually.
She stepped closer to me, using Legilimency to plant a question in my mind.
"Zabini?" my thoughts echoed and I nodded lightly, the movement just barely perceptible.
"We need to talk." I responded, panic and urgency ringing clearly from my voice. "Now."
She nodded briefly, turning on her heel and calling for me to follow her, her familiar bounding after her, walking up the stairs to where I knew her dorm to be located.
I followed suit, ignoring the raised wands, my mind too frantic to care that the felines were threatening me.
I was a step behind Arielle as we reached the floor with her dormitory and I followed her as she pushed the heavy, creaking wooden doors open, only to reveal her three roommates.
They too jumped to their feet, wands raised, but I could not care less, my panic growing with every second that ticked by. There had to be a solution to this. A potion, a charm… anything.
I was vaguely aware that Arielle hissed at her roommates "Out. NOW!", that they scurried out the doors promptly, that she had taken a seat on her bed and that Shadow settled beneath her feet once more.
"What is it Linds?" asked she, and I walked forward, spinning on my heel, walking back and then spinning on my heel once more.
I had not even noticed that I was pacing as I spoke up.
"We have a problem."
"I gathered that much" responded Arielle, petting her familiar and waiting for me to continue "what happened?"
I froze in my step at that question. How do I say this? How do I admit to this shame?
I turned to face her slowly, unable to voice that horrible, horrible truth.
"Linds, for the love of Merlin, spit it out!" spoke Arielle, rather worried now.
And she had something to be worried about indeed.
"I…" I spoke, faltering in my words, my breath hitching in my panic "I.."
My eyes focused on the floor as I forced my lips to form the horrible truth.
"I… like Blaise Zabini."
Silence.
I looked up, only to see Arielle with her eyebrows appearing to wish to leave the premises of her forehead with how high they were raised in her surprise.
"Come.. come again?" asked she, unable to comprehend the news.
"I… fancy him." I spoke, glancing away from her and then quickly returning my gaze to hers.
And then, she burst out laughing.
I stared at her, gobsmacked.
This was…. Funny to her?
"I'm sorry Linds..." she choked out between fits of laughter, "but you should have seen your face. You looked like you were about to say someone had died!"
No one had died, but this was of utmost importance, and I could hardly find a reason for laughter, let alone joy. This was a dreadful occurrence, a disease of which I had to heal myself immediately.
"Stop laughing!" I snapped, my panic clear in the tone of my voice.
She sobered up a bit, observing me carefully.
"You do realize that there were signs? I had a suspicion that you liked him for a while now, it was only a matter of time before you yourself figured it out." She said, speaking as if this was the most normal thing in the world.
But it was not, not for me.
I could not fancy anyone. Let alone him.
"Good." I responded and she seemed surprised by my response, probably expecting me to snap at her. "That means you had time."
"Time for what?" asked she suspiciously, guessing that she would not like what I was about to say.
I do not recall when it was that I started pacing again, but I found that walking cleared my mind and settled my nerves.
"To think." I answered, trying to analyse my way out of this situation "To find a solution, a cure."
"A cure?" echoed she and I glanced at her to see her frowning at me in confusion "A cure for what?"
"This condition of course." I replied, not quite understanding how someone could be so slow. She was the best potion maker of our generation, surely she could make some potion or the other to cure this unfortunate condition of mine.
"This… condition?" she repeated once more, and her words shattered my only hope "This is not an illness Linds. It cannot be cured."
I felt like my feet were about to give up on me and I walked up to the bed closest to me, sitting down on it and feeling my world collapse around me.
"Linds, are you alright?" she asked and I looked up at her, anger bubbling in my soul.
"No. I can't do this. You have to make it stop." I spoke, my tone a mixture of desperation and anger. A plead for mercy.
"I'm sorry Linds, but I can't." she spoke, getting up from her position on her bed.
"Then what would you have me do? Sit by idly as this horrible beast ripped me apart from the inside? As I lost all control over my life? I can't be feeling this you idiot! I can't stand it!"
I was near hysterics at that moment, my mind working overtime, trying to find a way out.
But there was none, I was cornered.
"Linds.." spoke Arielle, kneeling in front of me as I buried my head in my hands, trying to calm down.
"Linds, come on, look up." Urged she, sounding slightly frightened herself.
I looked up at her and spoke the two words I had not spoken in my entire life. "Help me."
Her heart seemed to break at my request, but we both knew at that point that she could not help me. No one could.
"This doesn't have to be a bad thing Linds." Spoke she and I did not believe a word out of her mouth. "Love helps people, it heals them."
I stiffened at her use of the word and she smirked at me, not resisting the urge to tease me.
"Come on, it's not like I said something physical has to happen between you two!" she teased, not knowing how dreadful the truth was.
That night in the corridor played out in a flurry in my mind, and I shivered, remembering how close he was.
"I have to go." I spoke, standing up abruptly, needing to move.
"Don't panic." Spoke she, rising with me. "No one will notice a thing."
My head snapped to her and I demanded "Nobody can know Arielle, promise me!"
She nodded with a small smile, offering me her last piece of advice.
"Give yourself time Linds." She spoke, that small smile growing into a wide grin. "Who knows, maybe you'll learn to like this new turnout of events!"
"Never." I snapped at her, turning on my heel, still confused, yet somewhat relieved. I could keep this disease hidden, no one had to know.
And the worst part was, I concluded as I walked through the barren corridors, I knew the feeling to be returned.
I stopped in front of the doors leading into our common room, my eyes focusing on the bricks that would part before me, were I only to utter the password.
Yet I found myself hesitant to speak, knowing full well that he would be waiting for me to return.
I could recall his face clearly, the surprise in his eyes as I jumped to my feet, the motion behind me as I rushed out of the room, the call of my name.
My chest constricted once more, my lungs taking immense effort to continue their function. I needed to get away from him, I could not face him. I needed to run, as far and as fast as I could.
But I would not.
"Pride in our blood" I spoke, feeling my heart beat furiously, hammering against my rib cage.
A Kersey does not run from adversity, nor does one of such noble lineage bow down to vices as inappropriate as this one.
One step forward.
I could do this, I could pretend like nothing was wrong.
Another step.
I could meet his eyes with confidence. I would not look away.
One more.
No I couldn't. I'd end up hurting him once more. And this time, that hurt me as well.
Four.
But he would get over it. He would stop liking me, and I would be free. I didn't want to be free.
Five. Six. Seven.
I lost count of my steps, building up my resolve as my pace quickened, clearing my mind of all thoughts. I would rely on my instincts this time, they had never wronged me before.
I walked into the common room, noticing that there were far fewer people around, most choosing to retire for the night. But there, infallibly, in the couch facing the entrance, with the lights of dancing embers shading his face, sat my greatest fear, Serpen once more seated on his shoulders.
"Rose" he spoke , immediately raising from his seat, careful to keep his upper torso still, as to not throw off the slumbering snake.
I froze for the barest of seconds, unsure as to how to proceed. What do I normally do in this sort of situations?
My eyes focused on the stone floor before me and I turned promptly away from him, deciding to ignore him and leave for my dormitory.
I moved forward and heard him call that nickname once more, flinching at the sound of his voice.
What do I do now?
I ignored him still, moving as a ghost, not seeing anything, focused on the sound of steps that were now so close, and were coming ever closer.
"Rose." Spoke he, and my heart skipped a beat, my feet stopping on their own, the treacherous things.
I could not think straight, fearing that , were I to turn, he'd read the truth in my eyes promptly.
"Will you not face me Rose?" he asked, slightly curious as to the reason of my odd behaviour. "What did I do this time?"
Everything.
"Come on Roseycheeks." Spoke he and made a step forward, my heart once more skipping a beat. "Tell me what's wrong."
I bit down on my lip hard, forcing my face to morph in a mask of anger, knowing that he would need to believe a lie.
A heart beat is all I allowed myself before I turned around, knowing that this was the only form of running I was allowed.
I looked up confidently, forcing my words to ring with anger I was not feeling.
"I've had enough of this little game of yours Zabini." I spoke and watched as his smile slipped from his lips, his eyes changing, no more mirth to grace them. "I will never return your feelings, and they are a mere nuisance. I will say this only once. "
I stepped forward, getting close to him and got into his face, as close as I could considering the circumstances and drawing my wand, pressing it against his cheek sharply, knowing that I was hurting him.
"If you don't leave me alone, I." I said, forcing myself to fake pleasure as I traced his cheek, down to his neck, stabbing him once more, watching him flinch lightly in pain, another set of eyes waking, observing me.
"Will." I whispered, not trusting my voice to remain levelled "Kill. You."
I remembered doing this before, but everything was so different then. I had enjoyed this, I had enjoyed hurting him.
His hand shot up and he covered my hand, that was now focused on his heart, with his large palm.
I looked up then, surprised that he would do such a thing, only to see him with his head tilted, observing me.
"Do it." He spoke silently, "Keep your word, because I'm not leaving."
I had not been expecting this and I forced my face to remain set in an angry scowl. What do I do now?
I pulled my hand away sharply, stepping backwards and turning on my heel, knowing that I had only made the situation worse.
Snow had fallen again, covering the grounds with a layer of white, as far and wide as the eye could see. The winter air had grown ever more cold, and I did not even entertain the thought of stepping out of the warm castle unless there was a battle that necessitated my presence.
Days sped by me, and my mind could not keep up. Problems kept pilling up, one after the other, and before I could even compose myself, or arrange my thoughts in any semblance of coherent organization, I found myself lost.
I had made no significant progress with Draco. That is, we were somewhat closer in terms of acquaintances but, what I needed, what I simply had to do, I could not. He was still very much prejudiced, he would not even consider speaking to a muggle born without insulting them in one way or another, let alone spend some time with them, or Merlin forbid, fight with me, for them.
Astoria and Daphne were frightened by what I had told them, and though there was some courage in their hearts, there was not nearly enough. They were so young, so bloody young. I wished not to see those pale hands be dyed red.
Claudia would not heal. She was scared, petrified even, to the point of panic, that she would once more cause damage to the one she was supposed to aid, no matter here best intentions. She refused the mere thought, let alone the act.
Sirius sent me letters weekly, despite my explicit forbiddance. He was risking by far too much, and I could not, for the life of me, understand why he would do such a stupid, reckless thing. Not after all these years.
Arielle was still depressed, no matter her attempts to try and hide that very obvious fact. At least it was obvious to my eyes. She believed that she was not strong enough, that she was letting people she cared most about down. That was not true, naturally, she was plenty strong, yet I knew well that there was little I could do to relieve her mind.
And then there was Blaise. I had decided to avoid him as much as I could, thinking it best to take some time to come to terms with the situation and find a way to get myself out of it. And I was very good at it, Merlin, I was the best. In two weeks since that time, I had caught but one look of his, and I could see that he was confused by my behaviour. As it was only to be expected.
And these were all problems I had to solve, they were my responsibility.
And now, so were the three girls following me.
And they were not all that subtle about it. I was just leaving my DADA classroom, and had noticed them standing a way off from the classroom, pretending to be talking about this matter or that, but I knew well that this behaviour was but an act, a charade thought out well, meant for me. They were good, very good, but their shoulders were just a bit too tense, their arms just a bit too rigid.
So I moved away from them casually, walking in the crowd of students descending the staircase, making my way down towards my Transfiguration class. They were walking a little bit behind me, side by side, and from the corner of my eye, I could see that they had their wands drawn, pressed tightly to their side, concealed.
How curious, I thought as I stepped off the staircase, careful to keep my step light, as if I was not aware at all that someone was behind me, as if they were not following me.
I knew those girls, all three Slytherins, and as I walked past the dimly lit hallway, the warmth of the lights illuminating the portraits whose curious eyes followed our journey.
Two of them were seven years, one a sixth year, yet aside from the Slytherin house, which was a rather obvious factor, I could not find a single connection that would tie them all together, and then link them to me.
They knew where I would be, where I would go and how I would get there. This suggested a lot of research, a lot of time, and a great intent. So, what were they so intent on doing?
If they thought that this all gave them an upper hand, they were rather wrong, for I had seen through them from the very start. Why not alter their little plan a bit? Throw them off? And then crush them like the little bugs they were.
A couple of more steps and I would reach the end of the hallway and was to make the choice between turning left, and entering a girl's bathroom, or turn right and walk a small way through the Transfiguration corridor.
I was originally to make no detours, nor was it my practice to do so, but this one time, just for the sake of fun, I would turn left.
But it would seem I had no such choice, for three other Slytherin girls emerged from that same direction, and I found myself, bluntly speaking, surrounded.
Yet all was not in vain, for I could suddenly see very clearly, mainly due to one Rebecca Blishwick who seemed very scared, not even bothering to hide her wand, her fingers pressed tightly around the wood, what the common denominator was.
One name, one name only. Blaise Zabini.
He had slept with Rebecca a couple of months ago, with the sixth year behind me at the start of the term. The four seventh year girls were his conquests from previous years.
Curse him, curse him one thousand times. Even when not physically present, the boy caused me trouble.
I decided to pretend that I was blind to this fact, that I could not see that this was a cleverly devised plot, most likely meant to bring about some harm to my person. I could not discern what their immediate motivation was, but that was of little relevance.
They were a couple of steps away from me , and as I walked, I could see that they sported firm expressions on their faces, a nervous twitch gracing Rebecca's lips.
"Kersey!" I heard one of the seventh years call, and I stopped at the insolent use of my last name. I could look past all sorts of insults if I chose so, but not the one of my last name. That, no one got to walk over.
I stopped at the call, shaking my arm lightly and having the tip of my wand slip down my arm to my fingertips. I held it lightly, imperceptibly, and turned around, a threatening smile on my lips.
"Come again?" I spoke, my smile growing and I watched as they came to a stop by far too close to me, two steps away on both sides.
"You heard me" snarled the same girl, Leana, as I recalled, and added with a sneer "Bitch."
"My, my, my" I spoke, turning lightly from side to side, "I do suppose I should be threatened now. Six of you, against little old me? What ever shall I do now?"
"She's taunting us!" added another Slytherin seventh year, Nott's sister as I recalled, noticing the action quite brilliantly. I didn't know she had it in her.
"Don't get smart with us!" snapped the same girl, stepping forward and getting into my face "You're outnumbered brat!"
It is worth mentioning here that Serpen had chosen, quite unfortunately, this particular moment to go hunting for food outside, and I was left on my own. Too bad, he would have enjoyed the show.
"I am by no means taunting, " I smirked right back up at her, my wand already in my fingers "it is always a pleasure to see my fellow housemates. To what do I owe this, unexpected, but most of all, entertaining, encounter? And Leana, do get out of my face, your breath simply reeks."
She pulled out her wand, and I found myself with a wand pressed to my neck. I had never been in this situation before, and I found that I did not enjoy it at all. She was hurting me, for the first time I was the one threatened. All because of him.
She jabbed the bloody stick in my skin and I did my best not to flinch, controlling my anger to the best of my ability.
"Lay off Blaise Zabini." Was the command I received, however unwittingly on the part of my housemates.
I furrowed my brows, and in one swift motion I grabbed her wand hand, stepped to her side and twisted her arm in her elbow, pressing it on her back, and jabbing my wand in her neck, turning the tables completely around.
All present girls pulled out their wand, or the very least stopped concealing them, and I stepped backwards, pulling the girl with me, using her as a shield.
"Now, now" I mocked," I wouldn't do that if I were you. I have a wand pressed against your friend's neck. I can, and you do know that I will¸ use her as a living shield. Now use those little, and apparently, sadly undeveloped brains, and consider this : How many of you can I take down, before your hexes kill your little friend here?"
The girl in question shivered in fright, all her bravado gone when a wand was pressed against her neck and the girls in front of us exchanged worried glances. They knew I was a good dueller, but they could not be sure as to how good I was exactly.
But they were certain of one thing. If they pushed me, I would kill them.
"Now, my little pests" I taunted once more, having to stop as Leana trashed in my arms, but a quick jab in the neck, and a pull on her arm, and she was a good little pet once more. "What is it that you wish for me to do exactly?"
Silence, not one of them spoke up, yet all fidgeted.
"W-w-we" spoke a seventh year, but stopped suddenly when I fixed my stare on her.
"You don't need him!" exclaimed a seventh year, and I arched an eyebrow in her direction. "Some of us really, love him, and you don't even care about him, you're just, toying with him!"
I was about to respond that it was not their business, in fact, what I felt , or did not feel for the boy in question, when the seventh year, who seemed unable to stop spouting nonsense when she opened her overly large mouth, spoke again.
"It won't matter much to you, you can get anyone you want with your money, please, just leave him alone." She spoke, and I noticed that she was on the verge of tears.
This lot may have been after his money, but the girl who spoke seemed to genuinely have feelings for him. I pitied her.
I was silent for a moment, and they still had their wands aimed at me. I could almost hear Leana's frantic heartbeat, and I spoke up again, coming to a decision about the resolution of this matter.
"It's kind of pathetic really" I spoke, and Leana tensed up in my arms. "You're all pinning after him, and I'm sure that this would raise Zabini's ego immensely, but all he sees in you are toys. Playthings to be used and then discarded. He sleeps with you and then tosses you aside. Who was his last plaything? Huh? Which one of you stupid little girls spread her legs for him, pinning after his money?"
"You bitch!" snapped a sixth year but a stare was enough to shut her up.
"I was" called Rebecca, and blushed at my stare, despite having admitted it herself, "But that was in October, he doesn't even look at us anymore."
October? That was impossible. That simply could not be.
But I betrayed no weakness, no recognition of the surprising news.
"Are you proud of yourself?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her, "Are you all proud of yourselves?"
I met their eyes, and one by one, they stared back, all except Rebecca. She looked down, the only one to find that spreading your legs was not an acceptable way to get ahead in life.
"You could be so much more, such strong women, such powerful, influential women. And you think that you are worth something only by spreading your legs, by allowing yourself to be taken by men who see you as objects? And the worst part is, you are not ashamed of it."
I stopped at this, and sighed.
"I will not punish you for what you attempted to do here. You are punishment enough for yourselves. I will not do what you ask, for Zabini is not mine to do anything with. If he is to pursue me, he will do so on his own accord, and the same can be said if he decides to abandon that idea. "
I pushed Leana away from myself roughly, and stood opposite six opponents, while Rebecca had lowered her wand, and I knew that they would not curse me. Those were mere empty words from the start.
"You are not ashamed of yourselves, but believe me, my housemates," I spoke, and stepped forward, having them mirror my movements with one step back. "I am ashamed of you."
I looked them all in the eye, and then stepped forward to Rebecca, who seemed frozen in her place.
I moved forward once more, and stepped by her side, bringing my lips close to her ear.
"A word of advice" I whispered, and she shivered in fright, seeing that her friends moved away from us, leaving her to her own devices. "He fucked you, but that meant, nothing to him. Other than some recreation. " I stopped at that, chuckling darkly "Was he thinking about you in that time? Do you really believe he saw you?"
I was cruel, and I was hurting her, I knew that, but something in me demanded it.
"In the end, his day ends with another woman's name on his lips. Mine."
I stepped back, meeting her eyes, that were now watering, with a malicious smirk.
I turned around, slowly walking off with my wand put away, no longer in need to use it. But something in me snapped, I remembered a word he had used to describe me. Kind.
"Rebecca." I spoke, stopping in my steps "You, the only one of this lot, have a chance of becoming someone. Do not allow yourself to be treated as a second choice, I believe that you deserve to be someone's first."
I started walking again, not wanting to hear a response, having it ready in my mind.
As I am his.