Despite Zack saying that they would discuss what happened the day after he returned to HQ, and seeming to mean it, they didn't.
Cloud tried, of course. He sent a few texts. Hey… Yo, what's up? Hey Zack. Hi, you free at any time tonight?
Not much came of it. Sometimes Zack responded, and sometimes not. When he did he was always busy or would say Hi, not much and leave at that. Cloud stared at the response and could not find the energy within himself to keep up the façade of everyday conversation.
It didn't take a Turk to understand Zack was avoiding him. The unenthusiastic response to his messages and that one phone call he'd placed while bored as hell out on a patrol was answer enough, but then Cloud started to suspect that Zack was physically dodging him as well. They usually ran into each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Cloud got out of one of his classes and headed back to his dorm to suit up and prepare for his afternoon patrol. Zack supervised a group of Third Classes' sword work seminar on those days, provided he wasn't on a mission or occupied with First Class business.
He liked to duck out of the class and chat with Cloud in the hallway. Maybe sling an arm around his shoulders and walk with him down the hall, letting him go at the end and returning to the seminar afterward. When he failed to show up on Tuesday and then Thursday too Cloud peeked through the window outside the practice room the class was held in. Zack was in there, all right; he was easy to spot. He had his back to the door and did not turn around.
Asshole! Cloud thought bitterly as he swept away, almost stomping back to his bunk. How dare he so blatantly ignore him?
The truth was that Cloud was avoiding Zack too, though, just in less subtle ways. It was more unconscious at first, but once he realized what he was doing—the lackluster texts, his own failure to pursue them and make Zack listen, the way he was starting to avoid the parts of the tower Zack often frequented—that was on him, too.
It had to stop.
The weirdest thing was how life at ShinRa continued so normally even though the most important part of his experience there—Zack, with his support, and his encouragement—wasn't present. No one really seemed to notice. His friends talked to him about the usual infantry stuff, and his duties continued as usual. Quite honestly he expected Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth to say something about Zack, but they didn't. It had only been a week since Cloud stopped hanging out with all four at once, because that would mean interacting with Zack. They hadn't seemed to notice yet, or at least hadn't spoken up about it. Cloud could only assume that Zack hadn't mentioned to them what had happened.
And that pissed him off. He wasn't stupid; he understood everything Zack said to him. It's like every goddamn time I'm alone and I jerk off I'm hearin' your voice in my ear again. I wanna do it again. Don't you think I know that too?
That deserved to be talked about. Did Zack really think so low of Cloud and the connection they shared that he could sweep this under the rug and forget about it? Was it really so unimportant that he felt the other three didn't have to concern themselves with it? Spend even a few brain cells contemplating his and Zack's rushed, incoherent confessions to each other?
Cloud riled himself up over something very small, getting angrier and angrier as different avenues for Zack's reasoning came to him. Was he ashamed of his feelings for Cloud, feelings he'd confirmed? Because that was right, although rushed and incoherent they had still been confessions.
He'd come a long way from the timid and quiet shadow a few feet behind Zack Fair. He deserved clarification from Zack, he knew now—so he went out to get it. Zack's schedule wasn't hard to memorize, and he had long ago. The SOLDIER met with Lazard every other week for a performance review—just a few minutes' long meeting, really, where Lazard said 'keep up the good work' (because for all of Zack's silliness and fun-loving nature he was extremely serious where his job was concerned, and did his work to the best of his ability always) and then they chatted about Zack's boyfriends, Lazard's own dating mishaps, or standard ShinRa gossip.
Cloud did not have clearance to that floor so he took the elevator to one of his CO's floors (ten flights below Lazard's, of course, because that was how ShinRa saw the infantry, so below their precious elite fighting force) and then took the stairs.
The wait in the middle of the hall, not directly outside Lazard's office but close, let him catch his breath again. He kept his mind purposefully blank, because thinking too hard about this would make him lose his nerve. Zack eventually left Lazard's office looking positively chipper, but his smile melted away when he spotted Cloud leaning against a wall a couple dozen feet down.
"Zack," Cloud called.
The First looked awkward, but came over. "Hey, buddy," he said easily, the smile plastered to his face fake and too-happy. Clearly he didn't expect Cloud to get into the meat of it in a semi-public space. Cloud didn't give a fuck.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"Look, Cloud…"
"I'm sorry, okay. I shouldn't have suggested we…" Cloud paused, but muscled through it. "Hook up or anything, without permission from the others this time. That was irresponsible and shitty of me. I'm sorry."
Raising his chin, Cloud met Zack head on. He could be an adult.
Zack looked incredulous. "I… damn." He raked a hand through his hair, staring at the floor.
Cloud demanded, "Do you forgive me?"
"I—yeah, I guess—we were both guilty."
"So you can finally talk to me?"
The SOLDIER looked so uncomfortable, so visibly upset. Cloud pressed him again, getting closer, his voice raising. "I'm right here—just say it Zack. I hate this."
Zack's voice cracked as he yelled, "Look—I don't know what you want from me, Cloud!"
"Some goddamn answers, maybe! You said you can't stop thinking about me, or when we slept together. You can't just ignore me after that!"
"—Cloud!" Zack looked around, red in the face, looking for eavesdroppers.
He was so weak; the jugular was exposed, head lolling back, so Cloud struck. He moved in closer to give Zack the security of a tiny bit of privacy. He rested his hand on Zack's forearm. "I'm sick of lying to myself, of sayin' over and over that I don't have feelings for you, or that I can't because you're my best friend and that's fucked up. Can't we figure this out?"
Zack's whole body went soft. His rigid posture drooped, and his arms fell down so he could slide his hands in his pockets. Cloud's hand fell away with the movement. He confessed, "I don't know what to do, Cloud, or… how to act, or anything. It's so messed up. I'm in a relationship, Spike! And—I can't leave them. I love them as much as I always have."
"I'm not asking you to leave the others, Zack…"
Zack just shook his head. "Things were good like they were before, with you as my best bud, and me with the other guys. We were naïve to think that we could fuck and no weird feelings would develop afterward. I don't know exactly how this happened between us, but it shouldn't have."
Cloud couldn't manage to say anything around the sudden, blossoming hurt in his chest, and watched his friend silently.
"I don't want you to be unhappy though," he said, sounding more chipper, nodding to himself. He'd already moved on. "I was thinking. You and Kunsel were lookin' pretty cozy on your birthday, on that couch. He's not always into guys, but—"
"Seriously?"
"Well, yeah. I think you two could get along pretty well." Despite his easy tone Zack's shoulders had risen almost to his ears; he knew damn well how ridiculous he was being.
"Zack," Cloud shouted, utterly frustrated, "Stop it with all the dates! I don't want you to set me up with a stranger. You know what I want."
There was no mistaking what he desired as their eyes met, Zack's wary while Cloud's blazed. It was Zack—it had been for a while.
"Why are you getting so angry at me?" Now Zack was yelling too. "I'm the only one trying to find a solution here!"
"No you're not! You're being a fuckin' idiot!"
Zack's eyes grew hard and cold. This man before him was so different from the gentle, kind and loving friend he'd been who had told him I told you I'd take care of you. You're my best friend, and I care about you—as you know. I'm gonna hazard a guess and say no one here cares about Mr. Strife more than I do?
"Damn it, Cloud," Zack griped, spitting his name out like a curse.
Cloud nearly raged about it later, back in the Infantry wing of the building. He was still unbelievably pissed but as he and Zack left the hallway, going in different directions without saying goodbye, he left most of his violent anger, the stuff usually deep inside that scared him, there too. Now he just felt drained.
He sat to the side in one of the lounges, with the shitty couches and the stale air, but it wasn't all bad, not even now. Two of his friends were playing a card game right over there, and they'd respected his choice not to play. They were giving him space to angst and frown, but they made him promise to join in if more people showed up.
It was… awfully nice, having support from friends. But how was he supposed to feel without his most important friend?
The avoidance turned up a few notches. Cloud did not want to see Zack, not when he was still being so… deliberately thick-skulled. Stupid, he was. Occasionally they texted, but they were even more lackluster than they had been before. It felt like it was more for appearances than anything.
The hardest thing was avoiding Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis as well. He wanted to see them—staying away was just as hard as it was staying away from Zack. At first he suspected they didn't know anything was wrong between him and Zack, but as Cloud's feeble excuses to get out of hanging out with them continued and they, no doubt, picked up on whatever baggage Zack was probably carrying around, they got more insistent.
Cloud, this is silly, Genesis messaged him at one point, Please come see us. Or come see me, if you don't want to be with the group. I miss you.
I'm busy, Cloud made himself respond, but couldn't help but add a few minutes later, before shutting his locker and going to drill, and I miss you too.
"This is fucking stupid."
"Yeah."
"This is so pointless."
"Food's good."
Cloud stared unhappily across the table at Kunsel, who was taking advantage of Cloud's churning stomach and blatantly stole some food off of Cloud's plate.
There was absolutely nothing. Cloud had given in and gone on this date with Kunsel because Zack set them up. It was some last-ditch effort to magically fix things. Cloud in a relationship with someone (anyone) else would certainly be easier on Zack. On Cloud, too. But this was different from his dates with Damon, when he hadn't quite realized what exactly it was he was feeling for Zack and his boyfriends.
Kunsel was a cool guy and all, but there was, again, nothing. "Sorry for making you come out here," he said, rather uncomfortably.
"Nah. You didn't, Zack did."
"He did?"
"Desperately wanted me to go on a date with you. He even gave me the Gil, so like, it's fine. I'm a good friend."
"…How much do you know?"
Cloud couldn't see Kunsel's eyes because of the helmet but he shrank back in his chair, feeling the force of his gaze behind the visor nonetheless. "Everything," he answered.
Sometimes Cloud forgot just who Zack's friends were. Sometimes he forgot just who inhabited ShinRa. People out of his league for sure, with their own skills and motivations and agendas. It took him a moment to swallow and ask, "Thoughts on Zack?"
"He's being ridiculous. He needs to have a long talk with Rhapsodos, Hewley and the General and then with you. He doesn't want to hear it though."
"So he's upset too?"
"Yeah," Kunsel said, "The rest isn't my business to give away. Keep trying to talk to him. He'll cave eventually."
That was both what Cloud wanted to hear and what he didn't. He didn't want to talk with Zack, not when what he'd said still stung so much. But it confirmed what he was already thinking; Zack was just being difficult. And… he was too. This was too complicated to only be Zack's fault. As a kid Cloud had deflected all the blame onto everyone else, all the kids from town that he hated—he was an asshole to everyone because some were an asshole to him. He reached a point where he stopped caring, and his failed relationships with everyone in town were their faults, because it couldn't possibly be his.
He really had been such a kid.
The 'date' with Kunsel did seem to be at least partly positive. Every time they hung out it got a little easier between them. Kunsel even paid for Cloud's half of the meal, although it was with Zack's Gil, to be fair.
After arriving back at HQ from the Sector they'd been to Cloud bade Kunsel farewell and went to the mailroom. Everyone in the Tower got their mail there, provided they were military; execs had some fancy mailroom somewhere that probably had plush carpets and an attendant reeking of perfume. The military one was kind of a shitshow, but that was because mail was a precious thing here, so far from home. Everyone wanted some.
Finally the letter from his mom had arrived. Cloud accepted it gingerly from the overworked and frazzled Third behind the counter (rumor was this job was a punishment). He moved to the side and spoke with one of the girls from his swords class for a minute or two, and when she left he noticed a familiar figure accepting several large boxes.
"Oh, dear," he heard Angeal say over the chatter of surrounding people.
He couldn't resist, even though he wanted to. Cloud drifted close and saluted. "Sir. Do you want any help?"
Angeal seemed delighted to see him—that expression of relief and, dare he even say it, joy, made Cloud's belly flip. "Cl—Strife. Please."
Angeal passed him a heavy box and took two for himself; it seemed the reason he couldn't carry all three was not because of weight but because he wouldn't be able to see over the top.
"Thank you," Angeal said as they walked together back to his place. "I'm glad I ran into you, Cloud."
"Me too." Cloud couldn't keep the gentle smile off his face as they walked. He was supposed to be staying away from Angeal, but now that he was here he couldn't stop himself from wanting to be as close as possible. He even bumped into him accidentally a few times on the way, because he unconsciously got too close. They put the boxes down in the living room, and at Angeal's invitation Cloud settled onto the couch.
"What are these?"
"Gifts from the Keepers," Angeal answered, embarrassed.
"Oh, cool."
Angeal had a good relationship with his fanclub. They respected his privacy more than Red Leather or the Silver Elite did Genesis and Sephiroth, and did lots of fundraising for organizations beneath the plate. "I ask them to not send me gifts all the time," Angeal explained, "Genesis gets all kinds of bizarre things daily downstairs. Instead, once every other month they send me care packages like these. They ask me to request certain items, and I do. I feel bad," he sighed, "That they're spending any money on me at all, but at least it's stuff I'll use and not fetishwear."
Cloud laughed. "I guess Genesis got that too?"
"Once or twice, but it's usually Seph. His fans are a horny bunch."
Angeal opened the first box and pulled out a series of kitchen utensils: various spoons, a large spatula, a new pan that boasted four years without scratches, a blender.
"My protein shakes ruined the last one," Angeal said glumly as he inspected it.
It was inevitable; Cloud just sped up the process. He and Angeal had been slowly inching closer to each other across the couch and he bit the bullet, scooting over the last foot so he could tuck himself against Angeal's side. The SOLDIER hummed approvingly, like that was what he'd wanted all along.
"You got a letter?"
"Yeah." Cloud turned it over in his hands. "From my mom."
"That's nice."
Angeal left him to it as he sorted through the rest of the gifts. He opened the letter with his usual care and slid out the card. This time the drawing on the front was of Cloud, an older one, without the ponytail—and he had his arms raised in victory or challenge. There were a bunch of lines radiating out of him like sunshine.
It wasn't a long letter. He read it to himself, angling his card away from Angeal a bit so he couldn't see, though he doubted he was the type to peek on someone's private stuff like that. The first paragraph, like it usually was, was about stuff at home. How the transition to fall was so accelerated in Nibelheim—they were expecting their first snowfall in two weeks. Then she wrote, Thanks for sending me the letter, but I don't really know what you need from me. It sounds like you already know what you want. That sounds like a complicated situation with all of them but if you want to date Zack, and you have feelings for Genesis, Sephiroth and Angeal too—it seems joining up with all four is your only option, isn't it? You don't need me—just GO for it Cloud! Stop thinking so hard.
If you don't speak up I'll be disappointed, you know. Tell me how it goes.
Love you always,
Mom :)
He gently placed it down on the cushion beside him. In contrast to the delirious frenzy that had overtaken him when he'd confessed to Zack an eerie calm settled over him. His mom was right; there really was only one option.
Angeal caught him staring and said, with a gentle smile, "Thanks for staying. I've missed you."
"Me too. It's…good to see you, Angeal."
"Yeah." Angeal shifted closer for a moment, and dropped his chin onto the top of Cloud's head in a silly, affectionate gesture before returning to his gifts. "I know Seph and Gen have been wanting to see you, too."
Cloud didn't respond, staring guiltily as Angeal unearthed a fondant kit for decorating cakes. "I don't want to press you," the SOLDIER said delicately, "But are you and Zack okay? Zack is being distant with us, and we haven't seen you in almost two weeks."
"Um. We're okay."
Angeal frowned but didn't push it.
Cloud glanced back at the letter from his mom. "Angeal…um. Would it be okay if I said I just lied? And that I'm done playing dumb?"
Angeal fixed him solidly with all of his attention. It was a weighty stare, and it always had been. Angeal's particular brand of intensity was usually kind but always strong indeed; a weaker man would have caved. Cloud could take it. He shifted, turning, and his hand reached out to cup the man's cheek. His cheekbones were a bit sharper than Zack's, and Cloud's thumb was too close to his eye, so he blinked a few times involuntarily. It was a cute gesture on so big and strong a man.
His mom said that he already knew what he wanted. It was true. In the calm that settled over him the confusion from his failed attempts to fix things with Zack was the furthest thing from his mind. There was just the certainty he felt, finally put into place with some last reassurance from his mother, that what he was about to do was right.
During the last time he'd been in this position, on his knees on a couch with his hand cradling someone's face so tenderly as he studied their face, he'd kissed them—and it was a great opportunity to do the same thing again. Angeal didn't move away or indicate he didn't want Cloud to kiss him as the blond swooped in, slow at first to give him the opportunity to retreat if he desired, and then faster after Angeal's gaze met his, only acceptance there.
Cloud's mouth pressed firmly against the SOLDIER's, leaving no doubt as to what he wanted. Zack was great but he wasn't enough; he hadn't expected his affection to come to encompass all four but it had. He wanted all of them. How could he not?
Angeal responded just as Cloud hoped he would. His lips parted easily underneath his at the gentlest of prods and then Angeal took control of the kiss like he'd been waiting a long time to. One of his big hands slid to the back of Cloud's neck and the other to the small of his back, resting on the soft skin just above his belt, and it pushed there.
Sitting scooped up against Angeal Hewley's chest was hardly something to complain about, so Cloud rolled with it. Angeal's tongue worked against his in a way that made Cloud's whole self tremble. It danced with his, then flicked against his teeth and ticklishly against the top of his mouth. Cloud met it bravely stroke for stroke. Then it…retreated—and the kisses didn't stop, but they were more chaste, affectionate brushes of lips followed by another gentle smooch, and then another, and one more, until Cloud had lost count. They slowed, until eventually they stopped altogether.
Angeal slid Cloud off his lap and nuzzled into his hair for a heartbeat before murmuring, "I'll be right back."
He quickly departed for the bathroom. The sound of the door made Cloud's jaw snap shut.
"What the fuck?" Cloud breathed, his cheeks flooding with color and shame. Angeal had seemed into it. No one had kissed him that passionately in… ever, really. What was he doing? Cloud slid off the couch and stood. There were a few possibilities.
What if Angeal had pushed Cloud away because he got a little too into it and was jacking off in there? Cloud could go over, catch him at it, and they'd…
His fantasy got cut short when Angeal reemerged from the bathroom. It looked like all he'd done was splash cold water on his face. The neck of his uniform was damp and he had goosebumps.
"You don't have to leave," he said sharply, misinterpreting the reason Cloud was standing. "Please stay."
Angeal took Cloud's hand and encouraged him to sit again. He didn't let go but was now sitting a respectable distance away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I just… needed to cool down for a moment."
"I didn't make you cheat, did I? I apologize if it wasn't okay for me to kiss you, it just felt right and—"
"Cloud." Angeal smiled. "That's why I pulled away. I figured we should talk about it. It's not that I didn't want to continue making out with you…" his eyes were capable of holding so much heat; Cloud's heart raced. "…Quite the opposite. But tell me. What do you want?"
Cloud tried to bring forth all the confidence he'd had before.
"All of you."
"Did you reach that decision on your own?"
"…What? My mom gave me some encouragement when I asked her about it, but… yeah. It was on my own."
"That's what we've been waiting for." Angeal's grin was so wide. "That's what we wanted, Cloud. What Genesis has been waiting to hear."
"Why?"
Angeal's fingers tightened around his. "It had to be something you wanted authentically. There's four of us, and we know we're able to, even unintentionally, put a lot of pressure on you. We don't want to coerce you into a relationship. If we had asked you over a month ago, when you barely knew us if you wanted to be with us, wouldn't you have said yes? Because you'd be 'supposed' to?"
"I, um…" Cloud frowned, and then admitted, "Probably."
"That's what we figured. You needed time to get over your crushes and get to know us genuinely, I think."
Cloud gaped and started to stutter something about how on Gaia they knew about his crushes, but Angeal gently spoke over him. "And to answer your other question—no, you didn't make me cheat. We talked about this, if it ever happened."
"You did?"
"Well—Genesis, Sephiroth and I did. Like I said, Zack has been distant. I was definitely allowed to kiss you.
"But," he sighed after a pause, and another squeeze of Cloud's hand, "We need to straighten things out with Zack now. I'm happy you feel the way you do, Cloud. It's been hard keeping myself in check around you."
Cloud's brain skipped right over the flirt and focused on Zack. "What do you mean, straighten things out with Zack?"
"He's out of the loop. Every time we try to bring you up he deflects. Come here. We'll call him, and bring him and the other two over."
"Hey—no, I don't-" Cloud fumbled his words and stood. He pulled his hand out of Angeal's.
The SOLDIER already had his PHS out, and was in the middle of dialing Zack's number. He glanced up curiously. "Cloud?"
"Angeal," Cloud protested, almost pleaded.
The man slowly put his PHS down. He held out his hand but Cloud didn't take it. "You're not going to get in trouble," he said, so clearly confused. "I just want to set things right." Cloud's uncertain expression must have spoken volumes, because then Angeal said, "I'm proud of you for being so direct earlier. Don't you think it's the best thing to be now? Zack is being intentionally difficult, and Genesis and Sephiroth are worried about both of you."
Cloud lowered his head. "…I know it is, but I want to try working it out with Zack on my own. One more time."
Angeal looked like he was going to argue (or lecture) but he bit it back. "Come here," he repeated instead.
Cloud got close and Angeal pulled him forward into a hug—the firmest, longest, and most meaningful hug he'd had in a very long time. He could hardly believe that Angeal wanted this too—although he couldn't exactly kiss Cloud again until things were sorted he still wanted to. Cloud could process all of it later, when he wasn't in danger of another confrontation with Zack.
"I'm going to trust you." Angeal nuzzled his cheek against Cloud's, all gentle, warm affection. "If you don't talk to Zack soon Genesis will probably throw a fit."
"I will."
The SOLDIER pressed their foreheads together. "Okay."
Cloud closed his eyes, paused, and soaked in the other's presence for a few long moments. Spending time with the SOLDIER Trio was so easy, and fun, and just like his time spent with Zack. The intimacy he felt with them, even if they were doing nothing important, so vastly outclassed anything he had felt with any of his casual hookups, even Damon and friends like Andrew and Stella.
Maybe that intimacy was what he'd been seeking all along, and what he'd had with Zack from the beginning, even if it wasn't of a romantic sort.
"I'll figure it out," Cloud promised his friend, and Angeal told him he'd hold him to it.
Now there were two people Cloud was avoiding. Well, three.
Zack was still irritating. Cloud had almost given up texting him entirely. He felt so damn guilty over what had happened with Angeal that he was steering clear of that SOLDIER too. Cloud's I want to try working it out with Zack on my own was just an excuse to buy him time, a lie he'd come up with on the spot. That made him feel guiltier. Genesis was unavailable for sure—he had no patience for hesitancy or weakness. The Crimson SOLDIER sent him a text that he was sure went to the other three as well: I am SO DONE with this bullshit. If you all don't sit the fuck down and talk to each other I will burn down the fucking building. SERIOUSLY.
It was overly dramatic, but it was Genesis. The building was safe but Cloud wasn't; Genesis had to be so angry with him!
So Gen was out of the picture as well.
That left Sephiroth. Cloud tried valiantly to stay away from him too but he couldn't handle not seeing any of the group for any longer. Sephiroth was the safe one. Unlike Genesis, he wouldn't get in Cloud's face and demand answers. Unlike Angeal, he wouldn't frown and be openly disappointed in him. Unlike Zack, he welcomed Cloud into his home and let him hide there, giving him space.
Sephiroth spent a lot of time looking like he wanted to say something but refraining. Their dynamic didn't usually include a lot of words—it was a relief to just chill with Sephiroth after long hours spent with Genesis or Zack. Cloud liked to think that they understood each other.
That meant that the General knew exactly why Cloud spent a week hiding after his talk with Angeal. The blond almost got to the point where he brought it up on his own, and asked for help—but the words failed him at the last moment and he grew frustrated instead.
Sephiroth's did too so he offered him physical comfort. Nothing unseemly, but on Saturday night, where Cloud could sleep in as late as he wanted on Sunday morning, Sephiroth let him sleep over. Cloud had admitted at this point that he'd kissed Angeal, and that he'd been received well (and Sephiroth already knew, of course; Angeal told him about it). It was just Zack that had to be fixed.
Sephiroth was glad to hear it. The arm he hooked around Cloud's waist the entire night was entirely possessive. The soft breath at the nape of Cloud's neck as Sephiroth slept sent shivers through his whole body—it was so damn good, and made him feel so safe and content. Fuck, he was missing out. Waking up to more cuddles just proved how different this was from his other attempts at romance.
Cloud's eyes fluttered open when Sephiroth began to rub his back. His head had been tucked against the side of the man's chest and he moved it back as he stretched, arching against him.
"Cloud," Sephiroth whispered. His usually-perfect hair was rumpled from sleep, and shining in the light from the sunrise coming in the window. "I'm sorry for waking you. I wanted to talk before I left for my duties, however."
Cloud desperately wanted to kiss him, but knew at this point that there were some more important things to do first. "It's okay."
"Angeal and Genesis decided that I should be the one to talk to you, since you and I are," he searched for the word, "Good."
Cloud couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Yeah, we're good."
"We think the problem isn't that Zack's problem necessarily lies with you. It seems to be with us."
"With you three?"
Sephiroth nodded, staring right into Cloud's face. Sometimes he forgot that prolonged eye contact and staring intimidated people. It was a good thing Cloud wasn't easily cowed by him.
"He's avoiding us as much as he's avoiding you. It started earlier this week, when Genesis confronted him about his feelings for you."
"He told me they're there," Cloud said, suddenly worried that they had the wrong idea about this whole thing. If Zack told his boyfriends he didn't want Cloud then he was lying.
"We know they are. You two have been obvious for a long time."
"Really?"
"Yes. Even I noticed."
Cloud laughed again, softly, trailing off as he shuffled closer to Sephiroth. They adjusted to each other and got comfortable again like they woke up together frequently, and this wasn't the first time.
"I didn't want to pressure or force you to do anything you didn't want to, but it's time. You need to speak with Zackary."
"I know." Cloud curled into Sephiroth a little more, narrowing his eyes at the man's shirt beneath his cheek. He knew Sephiroth preferred to sleep shirtless; he must have put it on for Cloud's sake the night before. "I'm better than this."
"You are."
It was like with Damon. He'd deliberately led the man on, or at the very least kept seeing him while knowing that he was unable to develop real feelings for the SOLDIER despite Damon hinting that the was getting those feelings for Cloud. It was nice, and comforting, and he hadn't wanted it to end. Nobody was perfect. He couldn't do this anymore though.
"I just… what if it doesn't work out? I'm so close." His hand fisted in the soft, white cotton. "It all needs to work just right for me to join you guys. Zack's the last part left."
"If you could see the way you two interact when you think we're not watching the pair of you, you would be more confident. And—there are two parts that need to be sorted." Cloud peered upward. "You and Zack, and us and Zack. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind asking him what's wrong for us. We miss him."
Sephiroth said it so flatly, but it must have really hurt, having a boyfriend who suddenly cut off communication. Cloud was no boyfriend, but he'd done the same to Angeal and Genesis, and Zack too.
He wasn't going to cause anyone to have the quietly pained expression Sephiroth currently wore for any longer. "What do I do?" he asked.
"We'll make sure he's free for a few hours around lunchtime. Visit him in his office, he'll be there."
"Okay." Cloud nodded, but then felt like he needed to make a promise to Sephiroth but also himself. "I'll do it. Today. I won't let you down."
"Good. Now go back to sleep." Sephiroth kissed his temple and climbed out of bed.
Cloud overslept horribly, but it was probably a good thing. It didn't leave him with time to overthink (which he'd certainly done enough of). Sephiroth was long gone, but he'd left Cloud with free reign of his apartment. He couldn't linger to enjoy it, but he showered, borrowing the stuff the Silver Elite would have sacrificed one of the newer members for. Then it was time to roll out.
The exact hours Zack was free weren't specified but twelve-thirty seemed lunchtime enough. It was hard to force himself to go but it was easier knowing he was no longer just doing this for himself, but for Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis too. They needed him to do this.
He knocked on the door and held his ID up to the reader. Zack would know who it was. Would he open up?
He did, but he was wincing as Cloud slipped inside.
"Hey," Cloud said as gently as possible, leaning back against the door.
"…Hey," Zack replied.
Even though they'd been so annoyed with each other it remained that Cloud had missed Zack terribly. Fighting between them wasn't right.
"Can we talk now?"
Zack stared at his computer screen like he was searching for some excuse. "Sephiroth told me that they'd make sure you were free right now," Cloud offered, just in case.
The SOLDIER hung his head. "They're in on this? Damn. …'Kay, come in, Spike."
Cloud moseyed closer and perched on the edge of the desk. Zack didn't really get visitors and didn't have any other chairs. His office was also small compared to the other three, but that made sense. He'd always been proud of having an office at all. Being First for a certain amount of months and establishing himself as a useful resource and teacher for other SOLDIERs in his own right had earned him the space.
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Me too. I've been a real dick to everybody lately." Zack accepted Cloud's offered hand and let the blond hook their fingers together.
"You feel like you can talk about it now?"
"I don't know, but we should." He squinted. "Why're you bein' so gentle? And adult-like? I thought that was my job."
"Yeah, but then you told me to get out of your face outside Lazard's office." Cloud cracked a grin. "And I wasn't very adult-like. I avoided you just as bad as you were avoiding me. And I changed your name to 'fuckboy' on my PHS."
Zack laughed a little too hard at that, like he was making up for lost time. "Sounds like you were spending time with the other three though. You know… even when I was mad at you and stuff, I was still glad that you've gotten so close with them. They needed more friends. So did you."
"Me too. I missed you though. So did they. That's also partly why I'm here."
"They're sending you here instead of talking to me themselves?"
"Zack," Cloud implored, because his friend looked disgruntled again, "Can you just chill the hell out for a few minutes? Things got…really complicated lately, and you haven't been around to hear about it."
"Well. I'm here. Shoot."
"First I wanna ask if you really meant what you said about… this," he gestured between them, "how it shouldn't have happened."
"I… no, I don't. But it would be a hell of a lot easier that way. It's not like I can have you. I'm with the other three, and I won't leave 'em."
"I already told you I'm not asking you to leave them," Cloud said heatedly, "Zack, you do know I—shit, I made out with Angeal already?"
"What?" Zack focused on Cloud's face and then his eyebrows furrowed as he seemed to do it again, like Cloud had disappeared and reappeared right before his eyes. "What?"
"They've been trying to talk to you, but you've been ignoring them! They want me to join the group. Make it five." Cloud's cheeks burned to say it. "Well, they wanted it so long as I was the one to come up with the idea on my own. And I did."
"I kept encouraging them to get to know you better, but I thought it was just my imagination. Like—like me makin' it up in my head 'cause I liked you."
Quietly, Cloud said, "Calm down."
Zack stared at the top of his desk for a long moment before lifting his eyes to Cloud's. He looked so overwhelmed.
Cloud smiled in the most soothing way he knew how. "I think I get what was wrong with us. You thought it was just as weird starting to like your friend, right? Or is it because I'm Infantry?"
"No—it's not your rank, stupid. It was freaking strange fallin' for my little Spike, yeah, but that I could deal with, I guess. I pretended it wasn't happening at first, 'cause it was a lot easier that way. But then I figured that if you were dating someone else I wouldn't have to worry at all, you know? But your dates weren't going so well—"
"Because I kept thinking 'why was sex with fucking Zack so much better than this? I'm even trying really hard to romantically like these people.'"
"Please, sex with me is better than with everyone. But…really?"
"Yeah." Cloud shrugged. "I told you already, at your place. Nothing compared to when it was with you. And we were only friends when we fucked, and it's still been the best. Not just the sex, but… all of it."
"And I put so much effort into hooking you up with someone else…"
"I can't believe you actually paid Kunsel to go on a date with me. It was so damn bad."
Cloud snickered, and then Zack giggled—they laughed hard at that. Cloud kicked his swinging feet and Zack slapped his knee like a character in an old cartoon. The SOLDIER let his head plop down on Cloud's thigh.
When the blond recovered he wiped at one damp eye and asked, "Okay, so that's what's was wrong with us. But what about the other three? How come you haven't talked to them?"
"It's all mixed up. With why I really didn't want to admit I had feelings for you for the longest time. I just—I still can't believe you got jiggy with Angeal."
"Focus," Cloud gently berated, and gave Zack a slow-motion punch to the side of his skull.
"What if they're mad at me?" Zack asked. "For liking you."
"Why would they be? They like me too."
Zack frowned. "You don't understand. Before whatever happened with you guys. When they just met you. Don't you remember all those looks they used to give us? Like they were mad?"
"I…" Cloud couldn't lie. "Yeah. I do."
"You don't even know what I had to do to convince them to let me sleep with you." Zack tucked his boots up on the chair so he could glumly drop his chin on his knee. He looked like a big, lost kid. "I had this whole speech planned out in my head. 'Cause it's a big thing to ask, you know? But I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to help you lose your virginity for your sake. Cloud, I swear I didn't have any ulterior motives when I volunteered."
"I know. Neither did I. Keep going."
"When you've got four dudes it's all about trust, right? I told you that once. I had to make it clear to them that you were just my friend, and that us fuckin' didn't mean anything other than that and that it wouldn't mean anything more in the future. I said shit like, Gaia, 'I've never even thought of Cloud in a sexual way before!'; 'He's just my little buddy—it would be weird having feelings or something for him. We're just friends, I swear.' And there weren't feelings, Spike—it was the truth. I hadn't thought of you as anything other than a friend before."
"Yeah. I, uh, had a crush on you when we first met, but it went away. When we did it… yeah. There was nothing."
"But then there was. Afterward I just couldn't stop thinkin' about you, you know? And sleeping together made us so close, even closer than before, and it just… spawned all this other shit." Zack shook his head. "I betrayed their trust, Cloud. That I had to work so hard to get. They were iffy at first, you know. But they respect me. And they trusted that I was telling the truth, and was being an adult about the whole thing. And I was telling the truth at the time. But then I couldn't keep my hands off you and you were always so sweet and, like, obvious—no offense—and you saw the looks they kept sendin' each other. Like they were pissed at me, or suspicious."
Many times Cloud had caught the SOLDIER Trio frowning at the two of them when they got too affectionate. He'd chalked it up to them trying to figure out exactly what was going on, which seemed plausible, but also that they were mad at him.
"I asked Genesis on my birthday if he was mad at me for sleeping with you. He said he wasn't. Honestly, that he wasn't. Not mad but that he couldn't… not think about it either, whenever he saw me."
The thing was, Genesis had reassured Cloud that he wasn't mad at him, but he'd never said anything to make it clear he wasn't mad at Zack.
"Huh." Even Zack's hair seemed to droop. "I just feel so shitty, you know? Imagine if your boyfriend was like 'Hey, can I sleep with my friend? I promise we're just friends.' And you say, 'Okay. I believe you. Our relationship is good enough that I trust you to do this and come back to me.' And then your boyfriend starts flirting with his friend all the time, but he never says anything about it because he's tryin' to convince himself he doesn't have feelings for his friend but it's still so obvious. Wouldn't you be pissed? I'd be so pissed! You'd think he lied or something!"
Cloud studied his friend. "Zack. Do you want me to be honest?"
"Yeah."
"I know—I can guarantee—they're not mad at you now. They're over it. They wouldn't tell me how much they like me and talk about how it's okay to kiss me if they weren't a hundred percent on board with me joining up. Angeal and Seph said they like me, on my own, and not just because you like me. …But before? I don't know." He shrugged. "I didn't think about it before, but you might be right. Maybe they were pissed at you for a while, or betrayed, or… just confused about what was going on."
"…You really think so, huh." Zack looked utterly defeated.
"Yeah." Cloud shoved Zack's shoulder, hard, sending his chair back a foot or so on its wheels. "But who cares? Just talk to them about it. Fess up. Explain what really happened so they don't have the wrong idea anymore."
"But that sucks."
"Does it suck more than not adding me to the group because you're too afraid to admit you fucked up to them?"
"No," Zack answered, "No, it doesn't. Spike. I hardly even considered that could be an option. I knew you crushed on 'em, yeah, but—that was so innocent. A lot happened while my head was up my ass, huh?"
"Yeah. And I've been a cowardly asshole lately too, but I'm over it. I need to set things straight with Angeal and Genesis, but you've got to talk to all of them first."
"But what do I say?"
"I don't know." Cloud clapped Zack on the upper arm and squeezed gently. He stood. "This is on you, man." Zack had to decide whether apologizing and coming clean was worth it. It would undoubtedly suck, he was right, but if he wanted to fix things then it had to happen.
"Yeah. Guess it is."
Cloud moved towards the door, and borrowed some wisdom from his mother. "If you don't speak up I'll be disappointed, you know. Tell me how it goes."
Being the evolved, responsible, adult version of himself was hard and exhausting. The transformation started before sleeping with Zack, even, when he began to realize that he had things he wanted and had the ability to go and get them, even if there were some obstacles—like lingering cultural views and a skewed attitude about casual sex—in the way. But he liked to think that he'd come a long way in just a few months. The old Cloud only had Zack, really, but he now had many friends that he'd made himself and who he tried with unlike the ones he'd wanted even before Zack, back in Nibelheim. It was like he was a whole new person, a Cloud Strife who, although still very flawed, was starting to recognize those flaws, and attempt to work past them. For his own sake and the sake of his precious people too. And that was something he didn't need to write Momma Strife to verify.
I really can't convey how much everyone invigorates me. Regular weekly updates has been really difficult, but you guys make it worth it. Thanks.