I want to say that I am humbled by the overwhelming support and encouragement that I have received from everyone. I am personally going to answer those that I can reply to, but I do want to thank the guests who also sent me a note of encouragement; I'm not sure I can ever adequately describe how blessed I feel. Never again will I doubt myself because I have such wonderful readers, many who have become friends. So, here is a new chapter and I truly hope you enjoy it. You all have certainly been patient enough and I pray that is worth the wait. Thanks to Jackileigh for helping me out…all remaining mistakes are mine.

Part 25

"You are such a stupid f***, DiNozzo," Tony muttered under his breath. Taking off like a bat out of Hades had been a knee jerk reaction in an effort to escape Gibbs' well-meaning concern; now, he was realizing how incredibly stupid he had been. His knee had allowed him to get less than half a block from the agent's house before it gave out on him and he had no choice but to sit on the ground and wait. Tony knew it wouldn't be long before Gibbs caught up to him and he could only imagine what the team leader was going to say about his latest escapade.

A year ago, the older man wouldn't have been afraid to literally knock some sense into him. But now, things were different. Gibbs was still walking on egg shells around him, and Tony had to admit that he hated the continually deepening chasm that was between them. Although he truly missed the relationship that they had once shared, Tony knew that they would never share the familial bond again. He was damaged goods, and he didn't deserve to look up to Gibbs as a paternal figure any longer. What father would want a son who had spent time in prison?

His self-deprecating thoughts were forced back into the depths of his mind when he saw Gibbs quickly approaching him. Tony couldn't help but laugh to himself when he noticed the older man pocket his keys. Gibbs must have thought that he was going to be halfway to the Navy Yard instead of half way down the block. Of course, if it hadn't been for his knee, he would have at least been a couple of blocks away. The one thing Tony had made sure of during his time in prison was that he had stayed physically fit. He had lost count of the times where his physical prowess had allowed him to gain the upper hand during certain altercations. The other inmates quickly learned that when dealing with him, there was definitely strength in numbers. That was why his guard was always up, even when he wasn't in danger.

"Once again, you're on your ass, DiNozzo," Gibbs stated.

Tony lay back on the grass and threw his good arm over his eyes. "Guess so," he sighed. "Happens when your body doesn't cooperate with your brain."

"Mind if I sit down?"

His ribs protested the movement as Tony slowly sat up. Meeting the older man's concerned gaze, he motioned for Gibbs to join him. They looked ridiculous sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, but the way his knee felt, he wasn't going anywhere soon. "Can't stop ya," he replied.

"Good point."

A soft groan escaped the agent's lips as he sat down next to Tony. The two men sat in silence, neither daring to look at the other. The younger man wasn't sure how long they sat there before he decided to be the one to break the silence. A year ago, he would have felt the need to shatter the quietness with a movie reference or something completely inappropriate. Now, that urge was gone and when he spoke, it was because he had something to say.

"I used to dream about living in a neighborhood like this," Tony mused. "Thought one day, I'd have a wife, 2.3 kids, a dog; you know, the whole works. I'd have a job I loved and everything would be perfect. Guess that's kind of strange coming from me."

Gibbs shook his head. "No, there's nothing wrong with having goals."

Tony blew out a long breath. "Like I said, it was just a dream. I didn't want a big house like I lived in when I was younger. I didn't want to have maids and butlers raising my kids. I wanted my wife and kids to know that they were loved and…" He rested his head on his good knee. What was he doing? Why was he even having this discussion with Gibbs?

"You can still have it, Tony."

"Nope. Not anymore. Damaged goods, collateral damage, whatever you want to call it; that's all I am now."

He sensed Gibbs tense beside him. "DiNozzo, I owe you a head slap for that one. You are still Tony DiNozzo, the only one I have truly ever trusted to have my six. You're my…you're my son…."

Tony angrily pulled at the grass beside him. He wished Gibbs would have just head slapped him instead of trying to assume the paternal figure in his life. Tony wasn't ready for that level of an emotional connection to anyone, and he knew that he had to quickly erect those walls that he had so carelessly allowed to fall. "Don't! Don't even go there! I'm NOT the same person I used to be, and I hate myself because of that! I'm not your agent, and I'm not your son! I'm nobody! Tony DiNozzo doesn't exist anymore, Gibbs!"

"Yes, he does," Gibbs countered. "He's just lost his way. You can do anything you set your mind to, including having that family one day."

"No, I can't!" he growled. "No one is going to want to marry an ex-con who can't have kids!"

Knowing that he had said too much, Tony began to struggle to push himself up off the ground. The last thing he wanted was someone to actually drive by and witness the impending explosion that was threatening to occur at any moment. Tony had barely managed to get to his feet when he felt Gibbs' strong hands steady him as he gained his balance. He refused to meet the team leader's gaze; the former agent knew he couldn't handle the pity in the older man's eyes, and any show of sympathy would be his undoing.

"Tony," Gibbs softly called out to him. "Let's go back inside so we can talk."

"Nothing to talk about."

He knew his answer wouldn't satisfy his former mentor. Tony had just blurted out something that he had intended to take to the grave with him; Gibbs wouldn't simply let it go.

"DiNozzo, I think…"

"I don't care what you think, Gibbs. I'm through talking!" Pulling out of Gibbs' grasp, Tony began to slowly make his way back to the house, where he planned to lock himself in the guest room until he managed to get his raging emotions under control. He had to pull himself together or end up wallowing in the pit of self-loathing that threatened to consume him for the rest of his life. Maybe one day, he would answer Gibbs' questions, but it wasn't going to happen today.

He limped into the house and to the bedroom with Gibbs on his six. Tony silently cursed his bum knee for slowing him down. Why couldn't Leroy Jethro Gibbs just leave him the hell alone? Careful of the box of clothing still sitting on the end of his bed, he collapsed on the pristine covers, his eyes fixed on the ceiling fan. "I'm tired, Gibbs. Just go away."

The sound of a chair being pulled up beside his bed informed him that the agent didn't have any intention of going anywhere. "Tony, I already knew about that. I saw it in the records I got from the prison."

Tony clenched his jaw to the point he thought his teeth may shatter. "I guess I should thank you for not saying anything," he spat out. "I guess Ducky knows."

"Yeah, but no one else," Gibbs assured him. "That's no one's business but yours, DiNozzo. Still doesn't change the man that you are inside."

"I changed the moment that jury came back with a guilty verdict, and I wish you would get it through your head that no amount of wishing can undo everything that happened."

"I know that, Tony. I know that better than anyone, but you have got to meet me halfway. You're trying to drive away the people that want to help you. You think that by pissing me off or pissing Ducky off, we're going to give up on you. It's not going to happen. How many times do I have to say that, Tony? I told you that I'm going to have your six, and I meant it. You might as well get used to it; you've got to start putting this behind you. You keep talking about getting your life back and as long as you have this hate inside you, it's going to eat you alive. I'm speaking from experience."

Tony glared at the older man, who had probably used up his weekly allowance of words in this last tirade. Did Gibbs truly understand what he was asking him to do? His anger was the only thing that was driving him and keeping him partially sane and the team leader was telling him to let it go. He swallowed hard as he returned his gaze to the ceiling fan. Tony didn't trust himself to speak; thankfully, Gibbs seemed to understand.

"You rest. We'll talk some more later." Gibbs gave his shoulder a gentle pat as he stood to leave.

As the door closed, Tony closed his eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall. Gibbs was right but Tony wasn't sure he was strong or brave enough to face his future; he was a coward who lashed out at those who wanted to help him. Tony knew he didn't deserve their friendship. He had only been trying to protect Gibbs, Abby, and the others, but instead, he had ended up pushing them away.

Tony slowly sat up and looked around his room, his eyes coming to rest on the closet full of designer suits. Tony had told Gibbs to get rid of them, and he still wasn't sure that he still wanted them; however, he knew that wasn't a decision he was going to make now. Of course, at the moment, Tony wasn't sure of any decision that he had to make. Gibbs had repeatedly told him that he needed to make a concerted effort to quit talking about reclaiming his life and put those plans into action, but truthfully, he had no idea where to begin.

Maybe the Marine was right in that he needed to start by not fighting Gibbs and Ducky at every turn. Tony knew they were trying to help; everyone wanted to help, but he didn't seem capable of accepting their help. Raking his good hand through his hair, Tony wondered why anyone gave a damn about him; he certainly wasn't worth the heartache that Gibbs and the others seemed to willingly put themselves through.

His body began to scream in protest at the abuse he had subjected it to the past couple of hours. Tony decided that he needed to lie down and hopefully sleep would come, even if it was just for a few minutes. As he attempted to move his box of belongings so he could have more room, the contents ended up spilling in the floor. Tony muttered a string of expletives under his breath as he stared at his now disheveled belongings scattered on the carpet.

Too tired to clean up the mess, he tossed the box on top of the pile and started to lie down. It was then that a photograph caught his eye. Carefully bending over, he retrieved the picture as memories began to flood his weary mind. It was a picture of him and Kate that had been taken when he had escorted her to her cousin's wedding. She had been desperate for a date and he had been more than willing to help her out. His ability to adapt to any situation had allowed him to fall into the role of her boyfriend very easily, impressing Kate's family to the point that they had constantly asked her when he was going to pop the question. She had been at a loss for words and he had to admit that he had found it amusing, but his quick thinking had saved her any further discomfort when he had redirected the attention to the bride and groom.

Tony's thoughts drifted to the conversation that had taken place between them on the ride home. At first, Kate had been pissed at him but before the night was over, the two had reached a new understanding and appreciation for one another.

***flashback***

Kate was fuming. They had been on the road for thirty minutes and she had yet to say one word to him.

"Something wrong?" he asked for what seemed like the hundredth time.

She had repeatedly refused to answer him and this last attempt to ignore him had prompted him to pull over the car on the side of the road and shut the engine off.

"What are you doing?" Kate demanded to know.

"Trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you! Did I do something wrong?"

"Did you do something wrong?" She stared at him in disbelief. "You have no idea what you did, do you?"

"If I did, I wouldn't have asked."

Kate crossed her arms and stared out the window; Tony could swear that she was actually pouting. "You just had to make my life even more miserable, didn't you?

Tony visibly bristled as he gripped the steering wheel tighter in an effort to control his emotions. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"My family thinks that we are going to get married sometime in the near future! They adore you and think that you are just the perfect man for me!"

He still couldn't understand what was fueling her anger at him. She had instructed him to act like her boyfriend for the weekend and in front of her family, that's exactly what he had done. "What's the big deal, Kate? In a week or so, you can call them and tell them I fooled you and I was actually a big jerk."

"Like they're going to believe that. You had them eating out of your hand. If I tell them we broke up, they'll blame me for letting you go. You didn't even flinch when they asked about when we were going to get married!"

"I thought that's what I was supposed to do," Tony pointed out, his frustration reaching an all new high. "Maybe you should make it clearer exactly what you expect from a boyfriend; you know, write it up in a contract. That way when you actually have one, he'll know how he's supposed to act."

"I can't believe you said that!" she exclaimed. "I would never tell anyone how to act."

Tony rolled his eyes, his face betraying the exasperation he was feeling. "You tell me all the time."

"I do not!"

Clearing his throat, he purposefully took his voice up an octave and began delivering some of Kate's infamous barbs. "Tony, you're so immature. Tony, grow up. Tony, you're too old to date that girl. Tony, why can't you be more like McGee? Tony, you shouldn't eat that pizza, it's bad for you." He glared at his partner and asked, "Need I go on?"

Kate was taken aback by his revelation. "I uh…I'm just…"

Tony started the engine and pulled out on the highway; he had an overwhelming desire to get back to D.C., sooner than later. "Don't worry, Kate, you don't have to worry about me living up to those standards. Besides, I would never be good enough for you."

Tony winced as those last few words escaped his mouth. He didn't know why he allowed that particular insecurity slip through his shields. Truthfully, as much as he wanted to settle down and have a family one day, he knew that it was unattainable dream; he was terrified of ending up like his father and Tony simply could not take that chance.

"I'm sorry, Tony," Kate quietly apologized. "I never realized that was what I was doing. I guess I see so much potential in you that I…" She swallowed hard. "You're a good man, Tony DiNozzo; any woman would be lucky to have you. Don't let anyone, including me, tell you otherwise."

Tony never could stay angry at Kate. He winked at her and unsure of what to say, he replied, "Thanks."

The next few minutes were enveloped in a semi-awkward silence as they continued their drive. It was Kate who finally spoke, forcing Tony to abandon his contemplative state of mind. "Why don't you think you're good enough for me?" she wanted to know.

"What?"

"Why don't you think you're good enough for me?" Kate repeated.

He shrugged as he considered her question. "I don't know. I guess I think you deserve someone who would treat you like a queen. I know you're into the equal rights thing, but I think deep down, most women like to be treated special and are still looking for their knight in shining armor. You deserve someone who'll tell you how beautiful you are every day, no matter if you look like crap; you need someone who'll hold you when you've had a bad day and who'll make you laugh when you feel sad. You deserve someone who will grow old with you and love you until the end."

It was the second time that evening that Kate had been struck speechless. "Wow. Tony, I…I never expected you to say something like that. I never knew you to be such a romantic."

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Kate," Tony pointed out.

"I'm beginning to believe that. Maybe it's time to learn a little more about the man who always has my six."

Tony laughed at loud. "I'm not that deep, Kate. You had me pegged from the get go; shallow guy, no depth."

"I don't believe that. Not anymore." Kate reached over and gently laid her hand on his shoulder. "Let's start over, shall we? Tony, thank you for going to the wedding with me."

***end flashback***

Tony stared at the picture, recalling how they had spent the rest of the trip talking and laughing. Although Tony had only given her glimpses of the man behind the mask, a special bond had bloomed and it had continued to grow for the next several months. He recalled the day that she had given him that picture. Kate had told him that her mom had sent it with a note saying that she hoped the next picture of them would be at their wedding. Tony had taken it home and kept it in a special place on his piano. He briefly wondered what Gibbs had thought when he had seen the picture; maybe one day, he would assure the team leader that neither he nor Kate had ever broken Rule 12. Tony would probably leave out the minor detail that Rule 12 was never broken because she had died. The two of them had still teased each other mercilessly, especially at work, but the time they spent together outside of work was developing into something more than just friendship. Unfortunately, they never got to figure out what to call their relationship. Tony had contracted the pneumonic plague and had nearly died; soon after, Kate had been taken from him by a sniper's bullet and their dreams had vanished like a vapor.

"You sure wouldn't think much of me now, Kate," he mumbled to himself. "You'd be pretty disappointed in me."

You're still a good man, Tony DiNozzo; nothing can change that.

Tony closed his eyes and blew out the breath he'd been inadvertently holding. Even after all this time, he could still hear her voice in his mind. She would not be happy with the way he was trying to handle everything on his own.

It's okay to ask for help.

Lying down on the bed, he clutched the photograph to his chest. "You don't know how hard that is, Katie." He had a long road ahead of him, and he didn't have to travel it alone; but he had no idea how to ask for help.

Tony glanced over at the phone on the nightstand. Maybe he needed to start by making amends with a few people. Of course, there was always the possibility that Ziva, Tim, Abby, and the others had decided that he wasn't worth their time; maybe they were embarrassed by him or maybe… Tony closed his eyes and blew out a breath, maybe he should quit letting his imagination run rampant and make that first call.

He continued to stare at the old style rotary phone. Tony muffled a laugh as he considered how much Gibbs hated change. "Ever heard of a push-button phone?"

Looking at the picture once again, he silently pleaded for his angel to help him. As exhaustion overtook his body, he decided that he would make that first phone call tomorrow. Maybe by then, he would have found a tiny portion of the strength and courage he used to have.