I wasn't sure how long Wufei had been standing there before I noticed him. It spoke of how deeply I had been affected, that I didn't even notice him watching me. Nor was he trying to hide it, which might have slightly excused my absent-mindedness, as Wufei was a champion of martial arts and could walk like a cat if he so chose. But his stance, when I finally noticed him, spoke of a deliberate invitation for attention. The set of his jaw told me that he wanted to speak with me, and I considered ignoring him, in hopes that he would go away.
But my unease was strong enough that I actually thought another opinion might be warranted, since I was uncertain that I could solve the situation on my own. On the other hand, I was also uncertain of how to solicit advise from the abnormally quiet Wufei. Luckily, he chose to open the conversation, because I wasn't sure how to.
"Heero, is there a reason you've decided to remove my practice pole from the landscape?"
"Hn," I responded, suddenly realizing just how hard I had been hitting the wooden spike. I was slightly amazed that there hadn't been a crack; either in the wood or my leg.
There was a wooden fence along the barn that passed only a few feet away. Wufei calmly walked passed me and perched himself on the fence, while I tried to catch my breath, resting my had against the pole that I had just been abusing. Wufei gave me only a moment to rest.
"Talk to me," he demanded, leveling a serious stare at me. "The house is a mess, I'm not completely sure I'm sane right now, and it seems that you and Duo are at the pinnacle of at least half the problem. Since Duo is beyond speaking right now, you're going to have to explain to me how, exactly, Duo gained that bloody nose this morning."
"I hit him," I responded. I was usually grateful for Wufei's straightforward manner, but today I was uncertain of how to reply to his no-nonsense questions. I wasn't sure, myself, what the answers were.
"Ah. That explains everything," Wufei replied distastefully, with sarcasm. "Why, pray tell, did you hit him?"
"He kissed me."
Wufei, for once, was silent.
Well, for a moment, anyway.
"He what?"
"He kissed me."
"Then... I suppose he deserved it," Wufei replied. I sighed in relief. I had been worried that Wufei would think that I was in the wrong. After all, Wufei had a reputation for hating masters as much as Duo did. I had been worried he would sympathize. But, it seemed, Wufei understood. Or perhaps he only thought he understood. To be honest, I wasn't completely sure that I understood.
It... wasn't just the kiss. Of course, my first reaction to anyone getting that close to me would have been to hit them, but I had somewhat accustomed myself to allowing Duo close, even when his motives were uncertain or violent in nature. But... the kiss was forbidden. He knew it, I knew it, and every slave knew it. The only person who might not be aware of that rule might be Master Zechs, but I couldn't take that chance. The punishment for kissing without permission could be as harsh as being sold, and the punishment for falling in love was death.
It was that last part that made me push Duo away. It was... It was too tempting. Too uncertain. Too close. We were too close. Dependant on one another for affection and support, how quickly could those emotions give way to love? I had never dealt with love before, so I could not calculate the probable consequences of it, but I had been told that it could drive men insane. I couldn't afford that, not this close to Collar. Not when everything else was going so well. And, most of all, not with a Master like Zechs.
"What do you intend to do?" Wufei asked from his perch on the fence. "You can't just leave it like this."
"Duo needs time to settle," I responded. "Then I will discuss this with him."
"A wise decision, at least for the first part. I'm not sure Duo will be as rational as you'd like for the second."
"Hn," I replied, walking over to the fence and leaning back against it. "Regardless, I cannot allow these emotions to continue."
"Cannot allow? You make it seem as though Duo can merely command his affection for you to vanish."
"What else would you have me do?"
"Perhaps you should agree on a proper way to go about advancing this relationship."
"You speak as though there is a relationship to advance."
"Is there not?"
"No. My only concern is my relationship with Master Zechs. My affection for Duo is merely an offshoot of that goal."
Wufei frowned, then moved to stand in front of me. He peered into my eyes, studying them, and I tried not to reveal my true emotions to his piercing eyes. I must have failed.
"If you believe what you are saying, you are a fool."
Of course, he was right. If I looked deeper (which I was desperately trying not to, thus the previously mentioned abuse of wood) I would have to admit that it wasn't as simple as a difference between a high risk and a low risk, or even between right and wrong. The problem was, if I took the time to analyze it properly, that I already loved Duo. I already did stupid things over him, and sacrificed my own happiness so that he could have his. All the sure signs of love- irrationality, self-sacrifice, dedication- were already there.
The problem wasn't if I could or should love Duo... the problem was that I loved Zechs as well. Loved him first. And loved him deepest. While love with Duo was frightening and strange, love with Zechs was soothing and rational. Zechs was like a cool stream, while Duo was a smoldering fire. Zechs could sooth my mind, where Duo only caused more turmoil.
That was why I pushed Duo away. In loving Duo, accepting his love, and returning it, I would be snapping the link that I had formed with Master Zechs, however tenuous and strained that bond might be. It would be a betrayal of the worst kind, and I wasn't willing to betray Zechs for anyone, not even for Duo.
The only response I could give was to lower my eyes, but it seemed to be enough for Wufei, for he sniffed decidedly and returned to his place at the fence. My mind, however, was not so easliy put at ease. How could I reject Duo if I had feelings for him? How could I keep him if I loved Master Zechs?
"It makes no difference what I feel," I said suddenly, convicted that it was the only possible solution. "I will reject Duo's advances."
Beside me, I heard Wufei sigh. "I can tell that nothing I say will change your mind. However, I warn you, be cautious in your dealings with Duo. He feels everything very strongly, and gives himself over with a passion that borders on obsession."
"Do you think he will refuse to compete in Collar if I refuse his advances?"
"I think your rejection could hinder his progress, yes, but I'm more worried about his mental state. Collar comes around every year, but we only have one chance with Duo. I don't want you to break his spirit."
"Should I allow this to continue."
"No. If you feel the need to break it off, you must do it now. Duo's affection is still in its infancy and had yet to take a solid root. The longer you give it, the deeper these attachments will go."
"So I should tell him that these emotions are inappropriate and he must discontinue them."
"I did not say that. Personally, I believe that you should explore this relationship. It is not healthy for you to think only of Zechs in everything you do. You should be able to grow as yourself as well."
I stared at him for a moment, trying to puzzle out what he could mean by that. When I finally managed to understand, I couldn't help but smile at his ingenuity."
"I understand now," I told him, although he seemed confused by my smile. Perhaps he assumed I would not be able to interpret his motivation. "You wish to be Master's favorite."
Wufei face did a perplexing dance then, from surprise, to confusion, to a dawning horror. When it was finished, he looked at me in a stunned kind of shock.
"I wouldn't! I don't!" he stuttered, but there was an underlying question that I didn't have the answer to, so I stood and started back to the house.
"You and I are not so different, Wufei," I told him as I walked, never looking back. "We both want a place in the same man's esteem," I told him. It was a moment before he answered, and even then it was so soft that I would have missed it had the wind not carried it to me.
"No, we are not the same, for I seek a place in his heart."