Yes, I am back. I will not bore you with excuses, except to say that it has been a difficult and busy year. Writing had to take a back seat and when I did have time, I couldn't get access to my stories. Now, everything seems to be on the right track. Anyway, I do apologize for the lengthy delay and I hope that I still have some readers who are hanging in there with me. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter where you will find Tony taking a couple of steps in the right direction. Again, I hope you all can forgive me for my "Hiatus."

Part 29

Tony blew out the long breath that he had inadvertently been holding as he made his way towards the living room. There, Abby was waiting to talk to him and according to Ducky, apologize for her behavior. Truthfully, Tony didn't want to talk to Abby, but he didn't have the energy to dispute Ducky's semi persuasive argument as to why he should give her the chance to apologize. The ME had also instructed him to give Abby hell, but again, he wasn't sure he was up to the challenge. The past few hours had wiped him out physically and emotionally; he should have known better than to try and have a normal conversation with his father.

He entered the living room, his gaze falling upon Abby, whose arms were wrapped her around her trembling frame. Tony wasn't sure if she was nervous or scared, but the fact that she was exhibiting either of those emotions where he was concerned was unnerving. From the first day they had met, Abby had always understood him and had been his staunchest supporter; now, she obviously wasn't sure how she felt about him. He had changed over the past year and he was learning to accept who he was, but he wasn't certain that Abby could accept the new Tony DiNozzo.

Clearing his throat to garner her attention, Tony sat down opposite of the scientist. She met his gaze, her eyes glistening with tears yet to be shed. DiNozzo handed her a napkin that had been laying on the coffee table. "Thanks," she whispered as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"You're welcome," Tony quietly answered.

"I wasn't sure if you would see me," Abby began. "I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see or talk to me again."

Tony shrugged. "I'm not convinced that this is a good idea, but then again, I figured you've been at Gibbs' mercy long enough." He knew that the team leader had been extremely verbal in his disappointment in Abby and that she had taken every harsh word to heart. Abby wasn't used to being on the receiving end of the Marine's anger and Tony could only imagine the stern words that Gibbs had had for Abby after that disasterous phone call.

"Yeah, he's not happy with me," she admitted. "Actually, I'm not happy with myself."

"Why's that?"

He knew the answer to his question, but he wanted to hear Abby's reasoning for her earlier behavior. Tony wanted her to realize how much she had hurt him. This past year had been filled with nothing but pain and humiliation and part of the former agent wanted someone else to feel some pain. Perhaps he was being selfish, but he figured he had earned the right.

"I did something that I could never imagine myself doing," Abby declared. "I hurt someone that I love. I hurt you, Tony."

"Yeah, you did." Tony was not going to pull punches. If she wanted his forgiveness, she would have to earn it. The easily forgiving person that he used to be no longer existed and whether that was good or bad, it was part of the new Tony DiNozzo that people would have to get used to.

"I wasn't expecting your call. After the disaster at the hospital, I guess I wasn't sure what to say to you. I'm still not sure what to say."

Tony knew that he had scared her when she had visited him at the hospital, but between the pain he had been in and the overwhelming realization that he wasn't going back to prison, his frayed nerves hadn't been able to handle Abby's guilt and her intense desire for everything to go back to normal. He had not been kind to Abby on that day and he probably should apologize to her, but she had been warned not to visit him. In fact, both he and Gibbs had made it clear that he hadn't wanted any visitors, but Abby had a knack for believing that the rules didn't apply to her.

"I want things to go back like they were before...before you went to prison," she continued. "But I know now that they can't. I didn't want accept the fact that you've changed. I wanted to walk in that hospital room and start laughing and joking but..." Abby nervously swallowed. "Then I started thinking maybe you were mad at me because of Chip. He framed you right under my nose and I..."

"What Chip did wasn't your fault, Abby."

Abby continued on as if she didn't hear what Tony was saying. "Usually I'm a better judge of character but this time I dropped the ball."

Exasperated, Tony raised his voice in order to get Abby's attention. "Abby! I just said it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you or any of the team for what happened. We can't change it and there are no do overs, so move on! I don't want to talk about the past, Abby. I have to fight every day to keep it from consuming me and I don't need you to feel guilty about something you didn't have any control over!"

"Maybe you should take your own advice," Abby countered. "Quit blaming yourself. You didn't do anything either."

Tony shook his head. "Not sure I can agree with that. There has to be something wrong with me in order for a judge and jury to believe that I could be a cold blooded killer, but I'm not going to get delve into my twisted psyche right now." The dark haired man did not want to be psychoanalyzed by Abby or anyone else. These were thoughts that he would work through on his own and in his own time. "When I called you earlier, I wanted you to come so we could talk. I wanted to see if..." Why was he feeling like he needed to explain himself to her? "Gibbs said that I needed to let people start helping me so I thought I would start with you and see..."

"And I let you down," she finished. "There's no excuse for my actions, Tony. I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like I did. I haven't been a good friend since you were released and you deserve better. I don't deserve another chance and I don't blame you told me to jump off a bridge. I want to help you but only if you say it's okay."

Abby was apparently willing to let him set the terms of their relationship and was willing to walk away from him if he couldn't forgive her. They had a history and over the years, he had shared some of his deepest secrets and fears with her. She had grieved with him when Kate had died and held him as he cried over what he could have had. He doubted he would ever tell her about his time in prison, but she was willing to be there for him whenever he needed a friend.

"Ducky said I should give you hell, but I can't," Tony sighed. "I don't have the energy, but besides that, I just can't." He pinched the bridge of his nose and then ran his hand through his hair. "I'm still hurt but I've been hurt a lot worse. I'll get over it. I forgive you but it will be a while before I can trust you unconditionally."

He involuntarily tensed when Abby moved next to him. She tentatively placed her arm on his shoulder. "I can accept that. Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

Tony couldn't think. Between the phone conversation with his dad and the conversation with Abby, he was incapable of thinking about the future. He also didn't want her so close to him; he wasn't sure if or when he would be able to tolerate intimate contact, no matter how well meaning it was. "Go home and get some rest. It's been a long day. Come by tomorrow after work and maybe Gibbs will spring for pizza."

The tears were now freely flowing down Abby's face. "I'll bring the pizza," she promised.

He pulled away as Abby leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I wasn't thinking."

"Just not much on being touched." There was a time that he welcomed Abby's hugs but he shied away from physical contact. It was sometimes all he could do to stay calm when Ducky examined him.

"We'll just have to work on that again. You weren't much on being hugged when you started working for Gibbs. Remember?"

Tony nodded as exhaustion continued to consume every fiber of his being. "Yeah, I remember." He slowly rose up and limped towards the kitchen. "I'll see you tomorrow, Abs." He was emotionally spent and couldn't bear a stroll down memory lane; the past wasn't going to help him concentrate on the future. Making his way into the kitchen, he nodded at Gibbs, who had been silently watching the exchange. Tony knew that the older man would understand his non verbal cue to escort Abby out.

Taking a seat at the table, he propped his knee on another chair and took the cup of tea that Ducky sat in front of him. "You handled that well, my boy. Actually, better than I would have. I thought there would be a great deal more weeping and pleading," the ME mused.

"I don't have the energy," Tony informed him. "Besides, I guess she meant well. Doesn't excuse her behavior, but I guess I remembered that we've been through too much together to stay mad."

"You are an amazing man, Anthony DiNozzo."

"I don't know about that. I think I'm just tired of fighting."

The ME encouragingly patted his arm. "Don't give up the fight yet. Things are going to get better. You'll see."

He silently commended himself for not pulling away from the older man's touch. "I hope you're right, Duck."

Tony took a sip of his tea and gingerly sat his cup on the table. "Sometimes I still think this is all a dream and one day I'm going to wake up and everything will be back to normal. I'll be giving McGee a hard timecorrecting Ziva's slang, and ducking Gibbs' head slaps; but then I remember it's not a dream and my life is just so fu...screwed up." He made a mental note to curb his language, especially in front of Ducky.

"Maybe instead of thinking about what all is wrong, think about what is right with your life now," Ducky suggested.

"You sound like Kate." Tony silently cursed at his inadvertent slip of the tongue. He didn't need anyone knowing that he was talking to a ghost. There was already enough doubt about his sanity and if anyone knew he was conversing with the dead, he would find himself locked up in the nearest psych ward. Thankfully, Gibbs joined them and Ducky changed the subject.

"Ah, Jethro," Ducky greeted. "I assume that you saw Abigail off without any problems."

Gibbs sat down beside Tony and reached for his previously deserted cup of coffee. "Yep. She seemed pretty happy. I don't think she was expecting things to go so well. Kind of surprised you let her off that easy."

"Like I told Duck, I'm too tired," Tony reasoned. "I guess I came to the conclusion that I had too many other things to worry about."

"That's one way of looking at it," the team leader conceded, taking a sip of his coffee. "Abby's doing all right, but how are you?"

That was a loaded question if there ever was one. He wasn't even sure he could answer Gibbs honestly. Tony's response to that particular question used to be a resounding "fine," however, now, that answer would be a bold faced lie. "I suppose I'm hangin' in there," he finally answered. "Trying to figure out what my next move needs to be. I need to get out of your hair and get back on my own two feet."

"We've been through this before. You've got time. Concentrate on getting better and then we'll figure out what you need to do."

Tony knew that Gibbs meant well, but he needed to be where he could start dealing with everything that had happened his own way, which meant shoving everything in a box deep inside the recesses in his mind and throwing away the key. It's what he had done for years and in turn, he had managed to hold onto his sanity. If he didn't do something soon, Tony knew that he was going to implode and there would be nothing left to put back together.

Clenching his fist and releasing it, Tony tried to force the tension from his body, but he was still wound tight. He didn't want to come across as ungrateful, but at the same time, there were times that he felt like he was still in prison. "I think it would be better for everyone if I could get out on my own."

"Jethro, if I may," Ducky interrupted.

Tony fought the urge to roll his eyes as the Scotsman reminded him why he couldn't be out on his own just yet. "Anthony, I know you feel the need to be independent, but don't forget that you'll be facing surgery on that knee probably within the next week and you're going to need help. So, don't you think we can table this conversation until after your surgery?"

Before Tony was able to answer, the three men were interrupted by a knock on the door. He glanced between the ME and the former Marine; none of them were expecting anyone. Watching warily as Gibbs rose to answer the door, Tony visibly tensed, hoping that the mysterious visitor didn't want to see him. When he saw Director Shepard, Tony's gut began to churn. He could tell that Gibbs didn't trust her and neither did he.

"What do you want, Jen?" the team leader growled.

"Hello, Jethro," the Director greeted. "I came to see Tony."

Tony closed his eyes and sighed in frustration. Why couldn't anyone leave him alone? Clearing his throat, he met Shepard's direct gaze. "What can I do for you, Director? Not to be rude, but I am not very good company right now."

"I won't stay long," she vowed. "I just wanted to tell you that you should begin receiving your back pay by the end of next week."

The former agent was taken back by her news. He knew that she had stated that she was going to try and see if she could set the wheels in motion for him to receive his back pay, but he truly hadn't expected her to make good on her promise. Tony found himself speechless. "Thank you," he finally managed to say.

"You're welcome. But I'm not done."

She placed an envelope in front of him. Never taking his eyes off the Director, Tony picked it up and opened it to discover a large sum of money. "What is this?"

The Director smiled at him. "You are still well thought of, Tony. It seems that a couple of your friends at work have been collecting for you since you were...for a while now."

Puzzled, Tony asked, "Who? McGee? Ziva?"

Jenny shook her head. "I know they contributed but they didn't start the fund. Harold Veers and Gary Thomas put out collection cans in the different offices and people just contributed."

Harold was the night time security guard and Gary was the third shift janitor. These two men kept him company many nights when he would come back and do his work. He always loved hearing about their families and their old war stories. They would always thank him for being willing to "humor" them by listening to their tales and Tony would assure them that he was honored to do so. They had evidently taken it upon themselves to help him and once again, Tony found himself at loss for words.

"I...I don't know what to say," he stammered as he handed the envelope back to her. "I can't accept this."

Jenny refused to take the envelope. "You can and you will. Tony, you still have friends and don't forget that."

"There's got to be..."

"There's right at 2,500 dollars for you to use and they are still collecting."

Tony clutched the envelope in his hand. He had doubted his friends when they had demonstrated the utmost faith in him; he truly didn't deserve their kindness and generosity. "I...tell them thank you."

"I will."

Jenny put her hand on his shoulder and Tony moved out of her grasp. "I'll leave you alone, Tony. We'll talk later. You've got a lot on your plate, but when you're ready, come and see me; remember, you still have a place at NCIS if you want it."

There was a glint in the Director's eyes and Tony knew that there was more to her promise of employment. Although he didn't know her very well, it was obvious that this woman had her own agenda and that she needed someone to help her fulfill it. Maybe he was wrong, but he had spent the past year avoiding people with their own agendas. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Director," he said. "But when I make up my mind, you'll know."

"I think that means it's time for you to leave, Jen," Gibbs informed her.

Tony watched as Gibbs escorted the Director to the door. After she left, he found himself once again staring at the stuffed envelope. He still couldn't fathom that his friends and colleagues had collected this money for him; they had faith in him that he was going to get back on his feet and return. However, he didn't have that faith in himself. Both Ducky and Gibbs had, in their own unique ways, that he needed to quit living in the past and look to the future. He needed to start trusting those who truly wanted to help him and he needed to find the faith and confidence that he once had in himself that had been so cruelly destroyed.

As Gibbs rejoined them, Tony cleared his throat as the older man sat back down. He had made a decision and hoped that the team leader and ME would support him. "Ducky, I'd like to get that surgery set up for my knee," he announced. "I'd like to do it sooner than later. I don't want to wait another day."

"Well, you're supposed to go to the doctor tomorrow," Ducky recalled. "Perhaps we can talk about it then."

"All right." Tony pushed the envelope in his hands toward Gibbs. "Here. You should have this. I know you paid my bills for a while and..."

Before he could finish what he wanted to say, Gibbs had shoved the envelope back towards him. "No. This is yours. You don't owe me anything, DiNozzo. I did it because...that's what family does. We take care of each other and we don't expect anything in return. I don't know what you want to do with this money, but whatever you do, don't take for granted what you mean to these people. They did this, not because they felt sorry for you; they did it because they wanted to let you know that they cared about you."

Tony knew that Gibbs was right and there was no use arguing. "All right," he conceded. Slowly rising from his seat, he headed back to the bedroom. "Guess I'm going to hit the sack. Tomorrow's a busy day." He knew that sleep would still be evasive. Between the nightmares and the constant thoughts of the future warring in his mind, he could only hope that he could figure out a way to change his outlook on his life, and not disappoint those who apparently thought more of him than he did himself.