Ok so I wrote this yesterday night before the episode so… It's kind of Au-ish I guess? Anyway, it's a post chip thing because I needed it :p
Damaged But Not Broken
She's heading to the dining hall for some food or maybe a drink when she spies her daughter sitting alone by one of the campfires. She hesitates. It fills her with shame to be so cautious around Clarke, almost weary of her in ways she isn't weary of anyone else. She fears her a little. Not because she is Wanheda, Commander of Death, and unofficial leader to the youngest generation of Skaikru but because there is still so much left unsaid between them, Abby is often scared it will blow up at some point.
Clarke looks sad. Her legs are hugged close to her chest, her chin propped on her knees and she's staring in the distance. Abby follows her gaze to another campfire around which a few other kids are fooling around, laughing and teasing each other. She spots Raven waving her cup around, Monty and Harper whispering with their heads close together, Jasper regularly nudging Raven's shoulder with his own, Nathan with his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders… But somehow, Abby knows who Clarke is watching. Because Bellamy is sitting between Jasper and Monty, a cup trapped between his hands and a small smile on his lips, apparently enthralled by whatever Raven is saying.
Clarke is very much staring right until she presses her cheek against her knee and unfold her legs to grab her bag and rummage in it. She brushes the back of her hand against her cheek next and Abby realizes she is wiping tears just at the moment she takes a leather notebook out of her bag.
And just like that Abby isn't hesitating anymore because there is something she has never been able to ignore and that's her daughter's tears.
Clarke doesn't look up when she sits down next to her, she's now staring at an unfinished drawing of a sleeping Lexa.
Abby remains silent for a while, watching the nightly routine of Arkadia. Pike, Jaha and ALIE left marks behind them, like scars that refuse to heal. The camp isn't what it used to be after Mount Weather, it isn't as joyful, not as hopeful… Sometimes Abby thinks they're tarnished.
Her eyes are attracted to the two people talking quietly near the main gates. Of course. Her eyes always find him wherever he stands. Lately she just lacks the courage to talk to him. She has become an expert in the art of avoiding the Chancellor since the chip stopped controlling her. What she did to him… She can't face it. She knows what he will say if she lets him and she is not ready to hear the assurances he doesn't hold her accountable for her actions. She can't stomach to hear she isn't responsible.
It wasn't truly her who tried to manipulate him, to trick him. It wasn't truly her who watched him being crucified without batting an eyelash, without even a care in the world… Of course, it wasn't.
It doesn't make it any easier to accept the fresh scars on his hand.
It doesn't make it any easier to accept he was tortured and she stood there absolutely indifferent.
Guilt twists her guts every time she looks at him. Guilt and sorrow and anger because he doesn't blame her and he should.
"She's doing better." Clarke says quietly.
Abby's eyes dart back to her daughter. "Who?"
"Octavia." Clarke frowns, nodding at the gates where Octavia stands in front of Marcus, waving her hands as she explains something. "She's… grieving, I guess. Lincoln… She's putting him to rest."
Octavia shadows Marcus a lot when she's not in Polis, Abby knows. It used to be Bellamy tagging after him. Before Pike. Before Jaha.
"It's natural." she offers. "She will find someone else eventually. Fall in love again."
She hopes so for the girl's sake at least. Octavia deserves love. She doesn't doubt Aurora loved her daughter but growing up a dirty secret hidden under the floor left holes in her life. Octavia needs to be loved, she deserves to be loved. She needs to find a way to belong.
On some level, Abby understands that only too well.
"You make it sound so easy." Clarke snorts.
There's an accusation in there. Not completely voiced but loaded with intent. Abby doesn't miss the way her daughter's gaze falls on Marcus but she pretends not to see. Ideally, there should have been a calm conversation about that, about whatever it is they are doing and how it doesn't affect Clarke or what she feels for Clarke or what she used to feel for Jake but… It feels unnecessary now.
She doesn't want to say it aloud and she runs from the thought every time it comes up but she fears Jaha and ALIE have killed them.
It has been three weeks since they destroyed the A.I. Marcus looks at her across rooms, across the yard and across the dining hall but he doesn't come over. He tried in the few days after, he was relentless in trying to get her alone, to talk but it was easy to avoid him then and it is easy to avoid him now. She thinks he stopped trying because he is waiting for her to come to him.
Wake up, Abby, his voice echoes in her nightmares and she wishes she could, she truly wishes she could.
She's not sure there's any waking up from this.
"It's not." she answers calmly, refusing to bite to her bait. "And it's painful. It will always be painful. But the pain dulls with time. It is human to love, Clarke, and there is no shame in seeking it."
She glances at Bellamy to find the boy not longer listening to Raven. The others are still laughing but Bellamy is staring at Clarke, lost in thoughts. Clarke looks up, their eyes meet and Abby sees it. She sees it clear as day. The bond is deep and solid and it's not just friendship, it's more than that, so much more… It's the love you can only find in someone you have been to hell with. It's a love she recognizes only too well.
Her daughter jerks a little and looks back down at her drawing.
"Falling in love with someone else doesn't mean you're betraying her." Abby whispers.
"It's not that." Clarke shrugs and a tears falls on the page, leaving a blob on Lexa's hand. "Well, maybe it's that a little… I thought I was in love with Finn but this… Lexa, it was…"
"Powerful. I know." she smiles, reaching out for her hand. "I noticed." Clarke lets her hold her hand for a total of thirty seconds before gently untangling her fingers and placing her notebook back in her bag. Abby clears her throat and folds her hands back on her lap, hiding her disappointment at a rejection that isn't completely conscious but still hurts deeply. "I loved your dad the moment I saw him. I denied it, you know… He was always saying we were love at first sight and I always mocked him for it because… It sounds so silly…" Her lips stretch at the memories of their private jokes and their playful arguing long into the night about who loved the other first. "But it was. Love at first sight. Easy. Pure. Innocent."
"Pure and innocent don't survive long." Clarke snorts, her voice hard. "Finn was like that. Pure. I killed him. Like you killed Dad."
She flinches.
The words hurt. Of course they do.
It is nothing she hasn't accepted long ago. She killed Jake. She didn't press the button but she might as well have because she betrayed him and that resulted in his death. There is a bigger picture and there are more actors to that story than just her making a decision but the simple version works too.
To Clarke, she would always be the person who betrayed her father.
"You did what you thought was best." she counters. "You were trying to be kind, to protect him."
"So were you. I guess." her daughter says and it's the first concession on the subject she ever made so Abby closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Lexa died because of me too. If had left like Titus wanted… If…"
"You didn't kill her." she frowns. "Don't feel guilty for…"
"She's still dead." Clarke cuts her off. "There's a pattern here. I guess that's what you get when you fall in love with Wanheda. I bring death."
The girl looks in Bellamy's direction once more only to avert her eyes when she realizes he is still watching her. It wouldn't take much to make the boy cross the distance between the two campfires, Abby muses, a simple wave would be enough.
"That's not true." she says firmly. "And to be honest, I think Bellamy proved he can take care of himself."
Clarke's sulk is familiar and Abby is reminded of the little girl who would sometimes stomp her foot because she couldn't get her way. She misses this little girl very much.
"I never said…" she starts.
"You don't need to." Abby interrupts, rolling her eyes. "I know you."
"Do you?" Clarke retorts and that, too, hurts. It's unwarranted and her daughter winces. "Sorry. I didn't mean… I think I'm going to call it a night."
"I think you should go over there and talk to him." she says. "I think you should… take a leap of faith."
The sulk deepens and Abby almost smiles because this is so painfully familiar. She almost expects to hear Jake's voice in the background warning their kid that her face might get stuck and that she would have to walk around looking funny.
"Why aren't you taking your own advice, Mom?" There is no heat or reproach in Clarke's voice, only open curiosity. "Because if he stares any harder you're going to catch fire."
It's her turn to look up and it's her turn to find Marcus watching her. He's leaning against the fence, listening to Octavia but his eyes are riveted on her. She licks her lips and turns her head away. "That's a completely different situation."
"Really?" Clarke mocks, almost sounding amused. "That's not what Octavia says."
She should have known. Kids talk.
She picks up a pebble and turns it around in her hand distractedly. "What did Octavia tell you?"
She's embarrassed and ill-at-ease. There are things she is not comfortable sharing with Clarke. Things that belong to the woman and not to the mother.
"She said you two made out hard core when they left camp." Clarke states bluntly. "Raven thinks it's been going on for a while but Bellamy and Monty disagree. Harper and Nathan say you lost it bad when Kane was arrested. Jasper thought you were together and it wasn't even a question. And Kane is pretty much rocking the lovesick kicked puppy look."
That's more thorough than what she was expecting. "Don't you have anything else to do than talk about me and Marcus?"
"Arkadia is boring, Mom." She rolls her eyes and, for a second, she actually looks like a teenager. "You can't stop people from gossiping."
Life in Arkadia is far from being boring to her but she supposes after the kind of adventures her daughter has been through that's what peaceful would look like to her: boring.
"Well, Octavia exaggerates." Her jaws clenches a little "And there's nothing to gossip about."
There's something definitive to her tone but that has never stopped Clarke before.
"I heard he took the chip to protect you."
She closes her eyes and swallows hard before studying her daughter's face. "He would have done the same for anyone else."
"I'm not sure that's true." Clarke comments. "But is that why you're avoiding him? Because you've been pretty miserable for the last three weeks and he's miserable and everyone's gossiping about how miserable you two are. And it's starting to be disturbing to hear everyone speculate about the two of you everywhere I go."
"We were talking about you and Bellamy." Abby sighs.
"And now we're talking about you and Kane." Clarke shrugs.
"Clarke." she warns.
"Mom." her daughter answers on the same tone before shrugging again. "Look, if you're holding back because of me… Don't. I know you loved Dad. I know you're not trying to replace him. And I like Kane. He's alright. And I would have to be blind not to see he's hopelessly in love with you so… I'm good with it. You've got my blessing if that's what you need."
She's a little flabbergasted by that speech and not entirely sure what to answer to that. She's more amused than anything truthfully. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." Clarke smiles. "Now go talk to him."
"It's not that simple." she argues.
"Actually, yes it is." the girl replies. "Do you love him?"
Abby opens her mouth to tell her she's not going to talk about that with her daughter and then closes it again because… Doesn't Clarke have a right to know? "I… do. Yes."
"Great." Clarke deadpans. "Now go over there and tell him and don't under any circumstances bring him back to our room. I don't need that kind of trauma."
Her daughter's cheeks are crimson and Abby feels herself blushing too and she can't blame the fire.
"I hurt him." she confesses softly. "And I let them hurt him."
"And he still took the chip for you and he doesn't blame you." Clarke remarks. "That's not a reason from hiding from him, that's an excuse. So you can sit here like a coward or you can be brave and finally face him."
"You're sitting here too." she points out, annoyed to find her daughter has a point. When has Clarke become so wise?
Clarke's only answer is to stand up and pick up her bag before joining the others around their fire, leaving Abby alone with her thoughts. She watches her daughter for a moment, watches her smile at a joke from Raven and sit closer to Bellamy than mere friends would…
She's slow in standing up.
She's slow in turning to where she saw him last.
Octavia is gone but he is still here, still leaning against the fence and still looking at her.
His eyes widen when she makes her way toward him and he stands straighter when she stops next to him.
"You're staring." she remarks.
"I'm keeping track of you." he jokes but it sounds flat.
There are bags under his eyes and longing in his gaze.
She intended to offer for them to talk but he looks so lost and pained that she finds herself cupping his cheek, her thumb brushing against his lips.
"I'm sorry." she whispers. "For everything. I'm sorry."
Relief washes over his face as he tentatively covers her hand with his. "I'm not angry with you. I don't blame you. Abby, I've never…"
"I know." she cuts him off. "But I do."
"I miss you." He sounds pleading and she closes her eyes. "Don't let them win. Don't let them break us."
"What if we're already broken?" she asks.
"We're not." he promises. "We're a bit damaged but we're not broken."
A bit damaged but not broken…
She thinks she can live with that.