Master and Wufei joined us for dinner. Master sat at the other end of the table, between Quatre and myself. With other masters I had been with, and of the few that allowed their slaves to eat with them, the dinner table often felt like a kind of interrogation room, with the Master sitting at the end of the table merely so that he could see all of the faces of slaves he was trying to grill for information. With Master, though, being at the end of the table was merely so that he could make contact with all the slaves while he attempted to keep conversation going. It wasn't always easy for him, especially since Trowa and I were always so quite, and because Duo didn't trust Master at first, but Master usually at least managed to get each of us to say a few words about a particular subject, or say something about how are day went. It was strange and uncomfortable at first, to have a Master so interested in such a tedious subject as the personal lives of his slaves, but eventually it created this feeling of… solidarity that I had never felt before. It wasn't like we were replaceable pieces anymore. It was like we were all parts of one, interconnected whole.
Dinner was a calm affair, as usual, with soft conversation about everything from lessons to weather to events of the day. Duo would often talk about his recent exploits on the game system, and Trowa and Wufei would discuss books and literature. Quatre liked to hear stories about the exploits of the rapidly growing kittens in the barn, and I indulged him as much as I could. About the only thing we didn't talk about was the news. Although Master Zechs had never forbade us from seeing the news, other masters generally did not allow it, and since it had very little affect on us slaves anyway we usually weren't interested in it. I had a suspicion that Wufei tried to keep up somewhat with the more universal events, but that was probably the extent of his interest.
Once dinner was over, we all began to gently meander into the den. I don't think any of us did it consciously, but we, as slaves, relied on the constant structure that Master had given us. The repetition seemed to give us a sense of safety and constancy that our previous lives, with the continuous threat of upheaval and change hanging over our heads.
But, as much as I depended on the constancy of the house, I also dreaded movie night, not for myself, but for Duo. It was an uncomfortable position for me, because I understood that Master could not allow Duo to continue to be afraid of touching others, I also hated to see Duo so terrified and helpless. I also disliked seeing him as sullen and unhappy as he looked as everyone began to get ready for the movie. I reached out to him tentatively, uncertain of his reaction, but he wasn't angry as I thought he would be, and he tried to smile as he placed a hand on my arm. I wished I could take all the pain away from him.
But it wasn't my choice, and when Wufei appeared with the box of drugs I backed up and began to leave the scene, unable to witness the pain this was going to cause Duo. A tub on my arm stopped me, though, and I turned to see that Duo was holding onto my sleeve, looking sheepish and needy at the same time. I sighed quietly, realizing that I would not be able to deny him my support when he was asking for it. Without saying anything, I took my place beside Duo, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. The grateful look on his face was well worth the queasiness I was feeling about witnessing this process for the first time.
Wufei called for Zechs, but when Master arrived he looked stunned, glancing at the box in puzzlement.
"Wufei, what's going on?" he wondered, and now it was Wufei's turn to look confused.
"I thought we were going to have movie night?" he replied, and Zechs finally seemed to understand, but only looked more upset because of it.
"Well, we are… but I hadn't thought we'd put Duo through this tonight. We've all had enough stress lately, so, Duo, if you'd like to skip this movie, that's fine with me. You and Heero could go play some games on the computer, if you'd like," Master said, and I felt grateful for his sensitivity and compassion. I thought Duo would instantly agree to the idea, but instead he frowned and said no.
"Are you sure?" Master asked, a frown on his face as well. Duo nodded, and Master reached for the case.
"Wait," Duo said, and Master paused. "I want… I want to try the movie night without the drugs. I think… I think I can do it."
"Alright," Master agreed instantly, a warm smile coming to his face. "I told you before that if you ever felt you could do this without the drugs we could try, and I meant it. So why don't you and Heero go get the popcorn, and we'll get the movie started."
For a moment, Duo just stood there, stunned. Despite all the time he'd spent here, I don't think Duo had truly come to trust Master yet. It seemed that this, though, might have finally managed to convince him that Zechs was worth trusting, not just tolerating.
I took Duo by the arm and led him into the kitchen, where we popped two bags of popcorn, dumped the bags into a large bowl, and took our accustomed positions on the couch.
Duo was nervous about the evening, but it wasn't the panic stricken nervousness that usually accompanied Duo's mental breakdowns. I saw his hands shaking ever so slightly as we sat down, but it slowed and stopped as I took his hand in my own, lending him the mental support that I wished I could have given him before and slightly easing my sense of guilt over my constant desertion of him. Duo smiled at me gratefully, squeezing my hand to silently tell me he was alright. I nodded in response, then turned to watch the others. Trowa and Quatre were already at the other end of the couch, a tray of festive cups and a pitcher of bright pink liquid on the table in front of them. Quatre had become fairly skilled at making sweet punches with a mixture of berries and juices. As slaves prized foremost for our looks and secondly for our athletic skills, we were all fairly concerned with our diets, and the dishes Quatre made were almost always healthy to fit into the strictest diets, save his extremely fattening desserts. Tonight's beverage seemed to be a strawberry and coconut mix, with a hint of raspberry and a few sprigs of mint.
Wufei came in next, followed by Master. On most nights, the lineup on the couch would start with Trowa on the far end, then Quatre, Wufei, Master, Duo, and me. I think it was more because Master was trying to desensitize Duo's fear of him that Master sat beside Duo, not because of some twisted need to make Duo uncomfortable. On this particular occasion, however, Master proved my theory on the matter by switching places with Wufei when Duo shied away from him. It seemed that Master was willing to let Duo choose who he wanted to sit by, as long as the choice was conscious and not the result of some deep rooted phobia.
The movie, which was some kind of gore/thriller story about a town under siege from mutant squirrels, had us all laughing within minutes. Master generally rotated who got to choose the night's flick, so we all viewed a large variety of movies, with Duo usually picking movies for their gore, Wufei for their attention to detail and plot, Trowa liked mysteries, and Quatre was fond of musicals, while I enjoyed action flicks. Duo, who had picked the movie after complaining about Quatre's "chick flick" choice, now had to endure Quatre's ribbing about his taste in movies. Of course, we all endured some measure of good natured teasing about our likes in movies; even Master, who sometimes surprised us with movies that he had watched when was younger, and pleasantly enduring mild ribbing about his age.
While none of us gave any credit to Duo for his taste in movies, I had to admit that his pick was perfect for the atmosphere of the evening. Instead of feeding off the anxiety already in Duo, the movie allowed him to completely relax and focus on just how bad it was, doing a running commentary between him and Quatre. By the time the first half of the movie was over, Duo and Quatre were on the floor in front of the couch, playing a drinking game with the non-alcoholic beverages where they each took a drink every time someone had their face gored, and two shots if the person lost an eyeball. The result was a rather quickly depleting store of drinks.
As I watched Quatre and Duo play on the floor, now tossing popcorn at the screen as a teenage girl was chased through a parking garage by the squirrels until she eventually tried to escape into an elevator, trapping herself inside with the rodents, I couldn't help but glance in amazement at the man who had made all this possible. Who would have ever thought that someone could, not even tame Shinigami, but make him obey of his own free will? Who would have thought that anyone could calm Dragon enough that he would merely roll his eyes as said girl was disemboweled before the elevator reached the top floor, releasing the squirrels onto a crowd of holiday shoppers? And who would imagine that anyone could heal Trowa enough that he would laugh openly and comment that the squirrels must have good taste in women, since they only dove down the shirt of the blonde with the DD breasts? Or that Quatre would be confident enough to wonder what that signified about the squirrel going up the pant-leg of a dark-haired man? And even more amazing was Master, not only allowing such behavior, but laughing right along with us.
As I stopped to watch master, I noticed that he had also taken his eyes away from the movie, and was now watching Duo with a calculating look. A moment later, he leaned forward and placed his hand on Duo's back. I held my breath, awaiting Duo's reaction. The first thing Duo did was tense and shrug the hand off, seeming to barely even register the invasion of his space as he continued to consult with Quatre over the exact amount of squirrel bites it would take to kill someone. When Master again placed his hand on Duo's shoulder, Duo this time tensed, turned around, and glared. Master, however, leveled an even look back at Duo. They stared at each other for a moment, Duo expressing his displeasure at being touched and Master steadfastly refusing to move, before Duo huffed and turned back to the movie. Master let his hand remain where it was for a few more minutes, then withdrew it with a relieved and satisfied smile.
It was a turning point for Duo, and as happy as I was about it, I had to admit that I felt a keen sense of disappointment that sometime soon Duo would no longer need me. In the past, I had acted as a buffer and a shield between him and Master, but with my constant efforts to bridge the gap between Duo and Master, and with Duo's own efforts to improve himself, it wouldn't be long before the two were able to work together without my help. And then what? All I had left to offer Duo was my body, and I could not offer that without risking the loss of Master. Even if Duo had promised to wait, how long would it be before he began to search for someone more suited to him that I?
It was twisted, I decided, that I should work so hard to bring about something that I dreaded. And yet, for all my own insecurities, I only wanted the best for Duo, and the best thing for him would be to regain his independence and his stability of mind.
Later that night, lying awake in the single bed Duo and I shared, I gave in to temptation and pulled duo's slumbering form into my arms. What would it be like, I wondered, to have his supple body between me legs? Or, conversely, to feel his hot length slide into me? Which would he want? I felt my body stir to life at the thoughts and, since Duo was too far asleep to know, I let it. What would a night of passion with Duo be like? Would it be fast and hard, as so many other things he did were? Or would he capture some of the slow tenderness that Master had shown me? Would he want control, or would he want me to take it? What would it be like, to raise his legs onto my shoulders and press into his liquid fire? What would it be like to stare up at him as he raised my legs and pressed his heat into my core? The thought of it made me hard, and I rocked gently against Duo until he stirred, giving a little moan, and I stopped in fright. I was deathly still as Duo turned his head toward me, and for a moment I thought that he would open his eyes and awake, but he settled again after a moment and went back to sleep.
With a relieved sigh, I turned away from him and condemned myself to wishing away my own lust. Better to burn with the pangs of unfulfilled lust than have Duo awake and ask to couple with me. In the face of such a need as this, I was not certain I would be able to resist him. I could not betray Master over something as selfish as lust, not even with Duo.
And yet, I couldn't help but wonder if it was only the thought of Master Zechs that kept me from fulfilling Duo's desire. After all, I had never asked permission of Master to couple with Duo, so there was no certainty that he would say no. But… perhaps my hesitancy was deeper than loyalty to Master. I could not deny that, even after all this time, I was still somewhat worried that I was only a convenient lay for Duo. He mattered so much to me, like some kind of obsession I watched over him, but what did I mean to him? Were I to sleep with him, would his interest in me end? Was there anything more than that between us? Could there be? And could there be… with Zechs? For certainly I felt a deep connection with my beloved Master, and though I was only his slave I still felt that Master was not keeping me only for my body or my skill, and I was terrified to lose that affection he had for me. But could I gain Duo's affection without losing Master's? Could I be with either of them without the other hating me? Or would they force me to choose, tearing my soul in two to pick which part of my heart I wanted more? Could I ever choose between them?
Did I even have a choice?