Okay…here's the next chapter…a little shorter than usual but I had to get it out. When I started this chapter it was going one way but in an instant it took a completely different turn. I guess it is just something I needed to address…it has always bothered me that this subject was sort of glossed over in the show so here is my take on it. I hope that everyone has had a good weekend and to those who celebrate Memorial Day I hope it is a safe and happy one. Thanks again for reading and reviewing…you will never know how much I appreciate it.

Chapter 18

Never let me go

The smell of coffee lured Jane from a deep sleep, but she wasn't ready to open her eyes yet as she stretched her arms over her head. She could feel the weight of Maura sitting next to her reclined body on the bed in the guest room. Taking a deep breath, she allowed the aroma of French vanilla to fill her senses and for a moment she wasn't sure if it was Maura or the coffee she was smelling. She didn't open her eyes until she felt the feather light touch of the Maura's fingers along her cheek causing her to smile.

"Mornin'…" Jane yawned as she stretched again.

"Good morning yourself." Maura smiled down at sleepy dark eyes that finally blinked open. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course…you know you can." Jane pushed herself up onto her elbows before running a hand through a tangle of messy curls that hung haphazardly around her shoulders.

"Why did you come in here to sleep?" Maura had a concerned expression on her face with the barest hint of hurt.

"Well…" Jane said as she reached out grab Maura up in her arms and pull her down to lay back on the bed with her. "I really loved watching you fall asleep in my arms last night…but that's just it. I couldn't stop watching you and I was sooooo tired that I decided the only way I'd get some sleep is if I came in here." She pulled Maura against her chest allowing her to snuggle under her chin.

"Are you saying that I'm a distraction?" Maura asked as she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Absolutely." Jane tightened her hold on the smaller body that lay atop her own. "I wanted to lay there and watch you all night…" She hesitated before continuing. "Among other things."

"Ummm…other things…" Maura murmured as she ran her fingers along a bare bicep. "I like it when you wear your tank tops. It really shows off these…" Her fingers continued to skim along Jane's warm skin causing them both to shiver.

"Yeah?" Jane flexed her arm causing the muscle to stand out against Maura's touch.

"Yeah…" Maura couldn't stop herself from chuckling. "It was nice last night."

"It was." The words came out on a long exhale as Jane tried to concentrate on what Maura was saying and not what she was doing.

"I've missed falling asleep in your arms…but I mostly miss waking up with you. You've always made me feel loved and protected." Maura snuggled closer against Jane.

Jane was quiet for a moment as she contemplated Maura's words. When they had gone to bed together the night before, she knew they wouldn't cross the line that they both seemed to have drawn since they agreed to try again. However, it didn't mean it wasn't something she wanted, in fact she wanted it desperately and it was taking all of her will power not to run her hands up under Maura's t-shirt to feel the warm skin underneath.

The silence wasn't uncomfortable but it was introspective on Jane's part giving Maura a moment to consider her own thoughts and at the moment they were filled with visions of what lay beneath the gray tank top. Pushing herself up so she could hover above Jane, Maura looked down at the pensive expression. She noticed that Jane now had a crease between her eyes, one she assumed came from late nights at work, lack of sleep, and too much worry. As she continued to study the features she had committed to memory years ago, she was surprised to see that Jane's eye's appeared darker than she remembered. Even though there was a softness around the edges as they gazed back at her, Maura recognized a hardness barely hidden within the amber flecks that swam lazily around the dark brown. She could still see love shining out at her, but there was a vail of caution as well. It broke her heart to know the reason why Jane hide behind that tough exterior she projected onto everyone she came into contact with, everyone except Maura.

As they continued to gaze into each other's eyes, Jane could sense that Maura was trying to find something familiar, something that resembled the Jane she fell in love with. In an attempt to give Maura what she wanted, Jane softened her expression and tried to hide the pain that she carried with her every day since Hoyt and to her surprise it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. Looking into Maura's hazel eyes that highlighted the specks of green gave her the courage to push her pain away. A slow lazy smile creased her lips as cocked her head to side in a questioning way.

"You know…we've both changed a lot over the years." Maura finally broke the silence.

"I guess." Jane took a deep breath and held it as the many ways she had changed came to her mind. On a heavy exhale she couldn't stop herself from asking the question that had haunted her since Maura had come back in to her life. "Is it too much?"

"Oh, no…not at all." Maura reached up to run her fingers through Jane's sleep tangled hair before allowing her fingers to trail down to rest in the dimple of Jane's chin. "Change can be good." She said as she placed her hand on Jane's chest and then rested her chin on the back so she could continue to look at Jane.

"A lot has happened over the years…," Jane turned her head away and took another deep breath. She knew what they were on the verge of doing and she wasn't sure she was ready for it.

Again silence fell over them and Maura could sense the reason why, so she reached down with one hand to take Jane's. Bringing it up so she could study the long, slender fingers, she placed a light kiss where Jane's scar lay. The move caused Jane to turn her head back to look at Maura.

"This is who I am now Maura…," Jane's voice shook with the emotion she was desperately trying to control. "These scars I carry…they are a constant reminder."

"They don't define you Jane." Maura leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to the corner of Jane's mouth.

"I don't know…" Jane shook her head. "Sometimes I don't know what defines me anymore…is it my job, my family, Hoyt…?"

Maura looked down into the darkest brown she had ever seen as Jane's eyes seemed to conjure up a storm of emotions threatening to break through her barely contained control. Jane's dark eyebrows were turned down with worry and it made that crease between her eyes all the more pronounced. "Oh, my sweet Jane…the only thing that defines you is this." Maura said as she patted Jane's chest where her heart was.

With those words Jane could no longer contain the tears that started to run down her cheeks causing her to look away from the love she could see in Maura's eyes. "I'm different Maura…," She stared to say pausing to take a shaky breath. "My body…it's not the same. I'm covered in scars…you might not like what you see. You might not find me attractive anymore." The words were spoken to someplace over Maura's shoulder because Jane still couldn't look her in the eyes, afraid of what she might see if she did.

"I know about the scars Jane. I was there at the hospital from the moment they brought you in until you opened your eyes. I know what lies under here…" Maura said as she reached down to run her finger along the hem of Jane's tank top. The move caused Jane to tense drawing a confused look from Maura.

"I haven't been with anyone since it happened…" Jane grabbed Maura's hand before it could creep up under the material that separated them. "What I mean is that no one has ever seen them." She looked down at her chest and stomach indicating what she was talking about.

"I've seen them…" Maura stopped her advance. "I was in the operating room…" She started to say but Jane cut her off.

"I know…but that was then. This is different." Jane struggled to say. She wasn't sure why she was getting upset. It was Maura she was with, the only person in the world she ever thought would understand but as the prospect of sharing that part of herself loomed, her fears came to the surface. "They aren't pretty Maura…"

The rapid beating of Jane's heart against the hand that Maura had resting on her chest caused Maura to pause. She could see the fear of rejection in Jane's eyes and the beginnings of what she recognized as a panic attack.

"You are and have always been beautiful to me…and it goes well beyond this…" Maura sighed as she waved her hand over Jane's body. "But I won't push you. I know that when you're ready, you'll share this with me and no matter what you think now…it won't change anything."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." Jane reached up and angrily wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"Stop…please." Maura couldn't hide the plea from her voice. With shaky hands, she placed a palm on either side of Jane's face. "What happened to you was traumatic. Please don't ever apologize for telling me what you're feeling." Leaning forward, she rested her forehead against Jane's and closed her eyes as her own emotions came to the surface. "I thought I'd lost you…" The words were spoken on a whisper. "I don't ever want to feel that way again."

"What if I'm broken Maura? What if I can't get past this?" Jane closed her eyes as well. This sudden fear was causing her to question if she could ever fully give herself to Maura. It was all becoming too real for her. The prospect of a physical relationship was one she had hoped for, one she had dreamed of ever since Maura had come back, but in an instant it was replaced with anxiety and uncertainty.

"You're not broken Jane…a little fractured maybe…but not broken, of that I can assure you." Maura moved to lay beside Jane. "And we will get through this together. Please promise me one thing though…"

"Anything." Jane said quickly.

"Please promise me that you won't shut me out. Don't be afraid to talk to me…tell me what you're feeling…please." Maura implored as she wrapped her arms around Jane's trembling body.

"I will…" Jane let out a sigh when Maura gathered her in a hug. "I thought I was ready…I really did. I want you so much Maura…but…" She hesitated and took a deep breath as she buried her face against Maura's neck.

"I know honey…it's okay. We'll take it one day at a time…" Maura tightened her hold. "How about we take a little nap now."

"I'd like that…" Jane's trembling ceased as she relaxed in Maura's arms. "As long as you stay here with me."

"I'm not going anywhere." Maura let out a heavy sigh as emotional fatigue began to overcome her but she wouldn't allow herself to relax until she felt the slow even breaths coming from Jane indicating that she had fallen asleep. When Maura did finally allow herself to give in, her last thoughts were of how vulnerable Jane had been and how she would do anything to protect Jane. And as those last thoughts traveled through her mind before sleep overcame her, she knew she's never let go again.