Chapter 11

Selbstzweifel

Madoka lay on the ground at her feet, the tattered, bloodstained uniform plastered to her chest around the fresh, gaping wound. The prone girl's huge, pink eyes gazed up at her pleadingly. "Why don't you help me? I came after you, to find you. I just wanted to help you!" Her bottom lip quivered as she sucked in a pained breath. "Please, I'm dying!" she whimpered. "You promised... you promised to protect me!"

Sayaka stared at her friend, seeming to feel the last of her life-energy drain away. Unlike with Kyoko, she had been unable to heal her friend. This can't be happening, Sayaka thought desperately.

A voice inside her, commanding, somehow trustworthy, thought Do it. Now.

The blue haired Magical Girl raised her sword into the air.

"Sayaka-chan, what are you doing?! You're scaring me! Please, help me, I'm begging you-!"

Kill her! The voice insisted. Sayaka brought the sword down, severing the pinkette's head from her neck. A thin stream of blood jetted forth from the smooth slice, spurting into the grass beneath the trees, staining it dark brown. A pair of tiny feet twitched, once.

Two sightless, staring pink eyes seemed to watch her from the ground a meter away, uncomprehendingly.

What the hell just happened? Sayaka wondered dazedly, her world dissolving around her.

[30 minutes previous.]

"So... you're telling me that you saw the Witch's memories, and she was a Magical Girl first, recruited by Kyubey, and her friends ate her, and her name was...?" Dark red eyebrows rose quizzically.

\/\/VVvv[12-.-33-.-10-.-40-.-1]vvVV\/\/ thought Sayaka with a sour face. It was less than helpful to Kyoko.

"Can you spell it?" she asked, feigning innocence. She was concerned about the interaction between her friend's Soul Gem and the Witch's Grief Seed. This idea of contact between... of Sayaka's mind being somehow infected by the seed, was terrifying.

"Great, Kyoko. Dumbass questions like that aren't helping-didn't you hear what you were just recapping? Witches are Magical Girls!" Sayaka cried, getting worked up. Kyoko was happy to see it, but remained watchful. "It's not bad enough that our souls have been ripped out to reside in these rocks-we are destined to turn into the thing we most hate! And 'her friends' didn't eat her, just the one who survived," she finished lamely, beginning to wonder if she was just going crazy. But it had been so real, so vivid.

"Sayaka, you gotta relax-remember, we talked about the possibility before, back at the station..." It has been something Homura said, or Kyubey, that had given rise to her suspicions. Sometimes it paid to have a reputation for... not being a deep thinker. "Keep it together; we gotta decide what to do next. What is, is. We gotta stay focused and finish this."

"Wow, really philosophical thoughts there, Kyoko." Then, "You're so full of crap."

"Hah, you got me." Kyoko flashed a villainous smile. "But it's not like we have a choice, unless you want to stick around bemoaning the cards we've been dealt."

"I'm not bemoaning anything, I'm saying this is really messed up!"

"Whining?" The red-head snapped her fingers. "Definitely moaning and whining going on around here."

Sayaka glowered, starting to fume. Kyoko punched her in the arm, hard. "Ouch! You jerk!" The younger girl's anger was dulled by the mischievous grin on Kyoko's face, much to her annoyance. Her hands up in surrender, the red-head backed away a few steps.

"There are times and places for everything, my friend," Kyoko began, "and now is not the time to be focusing on the crazy vision you just had, the nature of Witches, or any of that kind of crap. What we need is to continue on, or come up with a plan."

"You're the veteran," Sayaka muttered acidly, "I s'pose you have a plan."

Frowning, Kyoko shook her head. "This isn't like anything I've experienced before, this barrier is so big, so real! I mean, look at this place. There's a lake and sand and grass and hills and the trees and swamp... usually labyrinths are filled with all sorts of crazy sh-stuff."

"Like mustachioed puffballs with black scissors and barbed wire coming at you while two dimensional butterflies fly around the place?"

"Exactly," acknowledged Kyoko. "Or weird shadow-landscapes, or... whatever, just not big places that you could mistake for being real. I mean, I've never gotten wet inside a barrier before-or had to hold my breath..." She looked back at the lake, narrowing her eyes as she watched the smooth, emerald surface that lay before them.

"The sky's not real. The moon Witch was pretty low, compared to what it would be like n the real world. And there's no stars, just a glow." Sayaka tried to determine the direction of the light, but gave up in consternation. It was almost as if the entire sky was one vast, looming, glowing thundercloud.

"And so many familiars... and tough ones! It was like my outfit, my whole body, stopped protecting me. The hydra familiar was the worst-almost bit right through my arm. How was it here, and those flying things, after we killed the Witch?"

"After you killed the Witch. I was a little busy bleeding to death with me g-guts hanging out," Sayaka amended wryly, the carefree attitude she was projecting ruined slightly by the slight stammer and a brief, haunted look that passed through her eyes.

"Only after you're dumb ass pushed me out of its mouth. You're pretty brave, Sayaka," Kyoko added admiringly.

"You're pretty and brave yourself, Kyoko." Crystal blue eyes flowed over the veteran appraisingly.

"I-wah?" the older girl sputtered.

"There's more than one Witch in this barrier!" the blunette suddenly declared forcefully. "That's how the familiars stayed after we killed that Witch-and why the barrier didn't disappear! That makes sense, right?"

"Ah, it would if it I'd ever heard of more than one Witch-" Kyoko broke off, thinking back to some of the more esoteric babble that she'd been subjected to whilst discussing Walpurgisnacht in Akemi Homura's apartment.

Maybe Sayaka was on to something.

"Well, if that's the case, we got more work to do." The red-haired, maroon-eyed, crimson-dressed Magical Girl got to her feet. "We can keep talking on the way, but I think it's time we get moving again." She started to hold out her hand, but halfway let it drop as Sayaka stood unaided.

The blunette noticed, and halfway down the hill, heading toward the towering forest that dominated this side of the lake, slipped her hand inside the older girl's as it hung at her side. An electric current seemed to flow between the two, a tingling coursing up their arms, through their bodies, washing away the fear and fatigue of their recent experiences.

Empty-handed, she stopped abruptly.

Kyoko's breath caught in her throat: it was as if her heart had forgotten how to beat.

It can't be...

"Kyoko," the blonde Puella Magi said. "It's so good to see you again."

The red-head stared, thoughts scrambled by the sight she'd never thought to see again. Her maroon eyes drank in the image before her hungrily. The slightly naughty black boots, provocative stockings ending just before the cute yellow skirt-the only shade of that color that Kyoko had ever liked. The cinched up garter, with her generous... proportions shown off to full effect in that pristine white shirt. Slim shoulders framed by those amazing blonde curls she had spent so much time preparing everyday... that slightly ridiculous and completely adorable feathered cap...

As if having to work herself up to it, Kyoko looked into Tomoe Mami's face last, afraid of what she'd see there.

"Erg-" Kyoko began, unsuccessfully.

"Surprised? You shouldn't be. You're the reason I'm here, Kyoko." Amber eyes narrowed, smiling merrily.

"B-but... you died." She couldn't think of anything else to say. Had she been lied to?

"Not quite, Kyoko. Think about it. What do you think happens to Magical Girls when they die?" Mami asked, pointing to herself mockingly. "You put me here. When you left me, alone, it was only a matter of time. Death is not kind to the Puella Magi." Her expression had changed, harsher and leering.

"Admit it, Kyoko. Think about all I did for you. I gave you my help, my trust. A place to stay. Food. My friendship... affection... Love. My purity. And how did you repay me? Betrayal. Abandonment. You left me. I gave you everything... and you left me to die!"

Kyoko was staggered at the accusation, for it was one of the great regrets of her life. Her wandering had been, in part, due to a need to physically put distance between herself and the painful memories, equal parts from the tragedy, and the subsequent split with her partner. I screwed up, bad, she admitted to herself. She'd been a mess at the time. And had continued her mistake out of stubbornness, too proud to reach out to a cherished companion. A partner in the truest sense of the word.

Mami was relentless, her curls bouncing as she stalked toward her former partner. Her voice was raised, almost yelling-just about as loud as Kyoko had ever heard it, apart from that terrible fight...

"That's what you do, Kyoko, you abandon people. You leave them to die, feel nothing towards those who care about you, or what your actions do to them. Tell me I'm not right."

For once, Kyoko felt, literally, speechless. Her mind was blank. Mami glanced down at her chest, eyes shining.

"You left me to die, alone! That's what happens to the people who get close to you, Kyoko. Your blue-haired friend will suffer the same betrayal, you'll throw her away like a used rag once you've-"

Kyoko interrupted, shouting over the shrill, almost shrieking voice of Mami's tirade. "My father had just gone crazy and murdered my whole family, you idiot! My whole life was turned upside-down and just needed to get away..."

Mami had stopped yelling, and leaned close to Kyoko as she stopped talking. The red-head felt mesmerized by the liquid golden eyes that glanced downward before staring at her with vehement accusation. "You were hurting. You needed to get away. Its always you, Kyoko. What about me? What about us?

"And there's something else you need to think about. Why is it that you, a powerful Magical Girl, were unable to save your beloved family... your darling little Momo. Dead, because you didn't save her. She would have been how old, now...?" She waited, then seeing Kyoko would not answer, added scornfully, "You couldn't even keep her from being burned alive by your father. You, Kyoko. You didn't save her." Again, a long stare at Kyoko's chest.

Something inside the veteran, a survival-focused sixth sense, was tingling. The tiny fraction of her mind that was aware of something being wrong was entirely drowned out by the overwhelming majority of her consciousness focused on a Mami she'd never known: cruel and vindictive, so full of harsh judgement and irreverent spite.

Was this what waited beyond death? Consumed by hatred, anger and self-pity? The thought made her feel very sad, and tired. Melancholy.

Not that she didn't have reason to say these things, Kyoko admitted in a flash of self-hatred, still regretful after all this time.

That was all that was needed. Kyoko felt the hatred, a brief flash of regret bursting into a wildfire of anger and self-destruction. I've hurt her so much! she thought, her rage an ember beginning to smoulder, ready to burst into flame.

Part of her wanted to use her spear on the woman before her; the other wanted her to hurt herself. The burning fury was beginning to bubble over from inside, and she knew she must take out her anger on something, immediately.

"Do it, Kyoko. Kill yourself. You'll be with me forever. Your sister is waiting..." the pretty blonde's voice echoed in Kyoko's thoughts, repeating.

Kyoko wasn't in to pain, let alone self-mutilation. She could take it, but she much preferred dishing it out. She'd survive until she was physically prevented from doing so. Life wasn't a gift, it was a prize wrestled from the jaws of meaningless oblivion. If you didn't grasp it with both hands, you were either a fool or seeing something she wasn't... but now she didn't feel so certain. It was difficult, so much worry and running and fighting. It was all starting to add up, telling her father about the Wish, the tragedy which ensued, betraying Mami's trust, leaving her to die alone... her new friend, even now lost, forgotten and unnoticed-

The tingling became a throb, and something tugged at her consciousness in time with the beating of her heart. Where was Sayaka?

Kyoko turned her head, scanning the horizon for her friend. Nothing but trees.

And Mami, leaning closer.

But the spell was broken along with the eye contact, waves of memory washing over the jagged scars Mami's accusations had left inside her, freeing her from the overwhelming frustration that had threatened to consume her. Without hesitation, the summoned spear imbedded itself in her partner's neck, the force behind it piercing clean through flesh and bone. Mami's body dropped to the ground, shimmering, then fading.

Familiar.

%&# .

Again, a surge of ferocious rage threatened to overwhelm her, but Kyoko focused her thoughts toward concern for her friend. The experience had left her deeply shaken, touching some of her darkest and consuming secrets... things she'd never shared with anyone. She tried to calm the hummingbird-pace of her heart. So many lies, but buried in difficult truths that made them all too easy to mistake for reality.

There was no sign of Sayaka, but the woods had become darker, more sinister-looking. She shouted, then screamed, but no sound answered her. She spun around wildly, searching for a familiar landmark, but it all looked the same-she couldn't even tell which direction she'd been coming from...

Stopping, she paused to take a few deep breaths. She concentrated.

Sayaka, her mind called out, powered by yearning desperation. Sayaka, its me! Hear me, Sayaka. Whatever you're with, its a familiar! You have to kill it! Cut off its head!

She felt a connection, a sense of hesitation, doubt. A denial. Not her! it seemed to say.

Kyoko could well imagine the turmoil that must be going through her friend's mind. She focused her will upon the image of the younger girl, trying to force her to listen. Do it. Now. A feeling, one last doubt.

Kill her! Kyoko demanded mentally.

Sayaka wiped her streaming eyes with the back of her left glove-being careful to avoid the vomit and bile covering the other. She still felt queasy.

"S-sorry," she stammered, as she rose up; Kyoko continued to hold her hair back until she'd stood, letting go abruptly to grasp her friend's wiry shoulders, giving the hard, tense muscles beneath a quick squeeze. "I... I'm ok now, it was just..."

"You don't have to talk about it," Kyoko said to fill the silence. She certainly didn't want to talk about her experience. Who had Sayaka encountered in her own personal hell? Had it been her friend, the pinkette? A premonition of misery struck Kyoko, just barely keeping her from asking outright.. She had to know if her suspicions were at all true, but was afraid of the answer. "Sometimes it helps to talk, but not always. But if you want to, I'm here."

Sayaka's eyes burned an icy blue, incongruous with the fresh wet trails running down her cheeks. "I don't want to talk right now. I want to kill whatever created those... things."

Letting go, Kyoko summoned her spear, beckoning the younger girl to follow her as she bounded up one of the large trees, happily avoiding the topic on her mind. Approaching the top, she noticed they were all of uniform height-unable to find a good piece of elevated terrain, she leapt straight up, taking in her surroundings.

Back behind them, the lake, and the swamp, hazy and indistinct. Ahead, she made out a small glade amidst the endless forest, the glint of something catching her eye near the apex of her leap.

"This way," she called to her companion as she caught herself with the flailing chain-staff-spear, taking off over the treetops, bounding across branches. Sayaka did everything she could to keep up with the fleet and agile veteran, the speed of her passage causing the white cape to ripple and snap behind her, only catching up when Kyoko paused several hundred meters from the edge of an opening in the trees.

The Witch they found within the glade stood in front of what appeared to be a hovering mirror. Her long, blonde hair hung well past her shoulders, flowing down to the small of her back. As the girls approached cautiously, they saw that the hair flowed down from all directions-even over her face. Disturbingly, it was impossible to tell front from back.

Kyoko caught her friend's eye, a few quick motions of her hand indicating her intentions. Sayaka stared at her blankly for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders with a questioning look on her face. Kyoko resolved to teach the girl some tactical hand signals, pointing first at Sayaka, then herself, then the Witch, ending with her hand slicing across her neck-sticking a tongue out as if she were dead, just to get the point across. The blue-haired girl nodded.

The shimmering sword and glowing red spear-tip cleanly bisected the Witch, quartering her instantly. She faded, her solidity vanishing into a small black speck. The Grief Seed hovered for a moment, before dropping toward the ground. This time, Sayaka lunged for it immediately.

"Well, that was easy."

"Too easy," complained the younger girl. "I'm... unsatisfied. Far too quick, with way to little pain." Her jaw was clenched, teeth gritted.

The glade, and the forest full of trees, suddenly wavered.

Almost as if the barrier was collapsing, the girls watched the area around them dissolve... but instead of the streets of Mitakihara, they found themselves back at the emerald lake.

"I need to check something out quick," Sayaka said as she took in their surroundings. She ran towards the water. Kyoko felt a wave of concern wash over her, the evil memories of the horror underneath the surface bubbling up from inside. She had to stop herself from calling out as the headstrong blunette reached the shore and dove in headfirst.

She emerged what seemed like an hour later, but Sayaka's own reckoning was more like 5 minutes. Laughing, she informed Kyoko that everything in the lake, by which she meant the skulls-with-tentacles-of-hair, was gone. She felt better, knowing that, despising herself for her weakness.

The veteran held up her clenched hand to take her mind off it, dramatically opening it like a flower, displaying the black, spiked orb held in her palm.

"Who gets the first hit?"

Please keep reviewing: let me know what to improve, what you thinks going on, or whatever. Aside from the main pair, anyone else you'd like to see more (or less) of?

Thanks again to all reviewers: Otaku that was exactly what i was going for in ch9, it was so awesome to hear you say it. Thanks! And I've been trying to crank something out every day without getting burned out, which has been lots more enjoyable than video games for the moment...

Patriot: First-comer, yes. (as are the other two stories under this account, written by considerably younger writers). Thanks for encouragement, and same for kyosayalove.

Shadow & angel: awesome! Reading your reviews was such a great way to start my day-so much of what I hoped to convey has gotten across, but not too obviously so you hopefully still have something to look forward to. Keep up the great speculation, as you can see lots of your thoughts were in sync with what's going on!

Apologies for lack of diligence while spell checking, and if i fail to correct/update your suggestions quickly enough. I will, and try to go back and proofread. But it ends up taking quite some time, so... rough around the edges.

And if anyone has ideas about pronouns/descriptors other than the red-head/red-haired girl/older girl/younger girl/veteran/crimson-eyed/blue-eyed/blunette cycle, please let me know!