Chapter 2: It's quite easy to get information out of a woman; it just depends on what kind of information she spews out

"Now! We demand that Edo and the government acknowledge the supremacy of the Hyadaruko. Look at the face of the woman that the Shinsengumi could barely keep as a detainee for more than an hour. Look at the face of the woman that her own brother, Katsura Kotaro, could not protect. Look at her!" he grabbed her hair and forced her to face the camera. Her left eye bruised and her bottom lip swollen, she looked the part of the hostage. But then...

"Whoooah! Kasio-kun*! You even got a video streaming station set up!" Keiko's face transformed into the bright features of an excited schoolgirl. "With this and the bruise make-up you put on me you're really going to convince these people that this is an actual hostage situation. Good job, Kasio-kun!" [Kasio as a play on the Casio electronics company… because that is the Gintama way.]

The two Shinsengumi officers reacted with incredulous sneers and wide eyes.

Then Hijikata noticed a crowd forming below the large screen in the middle of town. He shouted out to the pedestrians for assistance, despite his pride and his reluctance in saving the woman of many personalities. He still needed to get out of his constraints and rescue her, even if she was crazy. He just needed to. [CoughCoughCough]

He shouted again and even begrudgingly threw in some honorifics but no one responded or even indicated that they could hear him over the construction grumble and the unconventional conversations coming from the screen.

"But Kasio-kun, your taste in themed parties is a bit weird, though." She sighed as if she were his childhood friend and couldn't accept a certain shortcoming of his.

"CHIGAU! It's not like that!" the speaker shouted while facing the camera, as if making eye contact with the audience (with his mask on) would persuade them of her fabrication. "This really is the sister of Katsura Kotaro," he insisted.

"Who's Katsura? Oh wait, sorry, I forgot the names you put in the script you gave me."

"You! You are not in the position to be –,"

"Kaasiooo-kuuuun, why are you complaining? Even when you asked me to do this for you?" she whined, then sighed and glanced offside, "This party isn't fun anymore."

"It's not a party! And who's Kasio-kun, huh? AM I A CALCULATOR!?"

"Of course! What else would you be?" she smiled back. "Besides you-!" A loud slap interrupted her string of nonsense.

A sharp gasp echoed from the crowd. Hijikata scowled at the sight while managing to pull out his mayonnaise lighter. He figured that he could burn and loosen the ropes around his wrists at the possible expense of burning himself. He needed to be careful.

"Oops! I bumped into you." Okita exclaimed as he tackled his superior to the ground, making Hijikata really burn himself and drop the lighter.

"You did that on purpose, kono yaro! Now how are we going get loose?!"

Okita held up a pocketknife with his freed hands while staring at the Vice-commander with his usual flat and deadpan stare. Then he grinned nefariously.

"...You could've pulled that out before." Hijikata commented with a defeated tone.

"Kasio-kun, you're going a bit too far with this. It's only a party, ya know?" she still managed to say while wincing from the pain.

"That's it. Stop the live feed. I'm going to teach this broad a lesson." He grabbed her by the collar and roughly forced her bruised face up to his. "You think you're so great, huh? You're just like any other woman and I'm going to treat you like the harlot you are. You're going to be screaming while I d-!"

TINK!

The man dropped to the ground, moaned and groaned in pain as he grabbed his crotch, rocking himself back and forth. This time a sympathetic "Ooooh" came from the crowd. Men (not excluding our favorite officers of the Shinsengumi) cringed from the imagined pain. Well, Okita actually nodded approvingly as he worked off his bindings and dusted himself off.

"You can't really 'treat' me like anything without your balls, huh?" Keiko smiled slyly down at her victim.

He craned his head to face her but rather than words of retort flying from his lips there were more groans and moans.

Then a figure came from behind the camera and up to her, with a confident saunter. He approached her, gripped her face with one firm hand, secured her aggressive legs with the other hand, and smiled creepily.

"Boss," the others whispered as he glared at their hostage.

She glared back with greater ferocity.

"Don't even think about trying that with me. I can handle damaged goods no matter how feisty you are."

Her eyes widened. The leader was now certain that she wouldn't make another peep.

But then she shouted: "Uwah! It's Customer Service-kun!"

In the next moment, the boss sat in the corner of the room while draped in dark frustration. "I wasn't even a company," he whined. "I was Customer service,"

Another member approached him and patted his shoulder. "It's ok, boss."

"Anyway," Keiko turned back to the camera. "Things are getting boring over here. So to everyone out there, if you want to join this lame costume ball..."

To this, Okita's said: "Ooh, she upgraded the party to a costume ball."

"Don't comment on the pointless stuff!" Hijikata yelled at him. He angrily pulled out his phone and violently pushed several buttons. The small rectangular LCD screen read: 'Calling: Yamazaki.'

"Hijikata-san, what are you doing?" Okita asked.

"I need to have Yamazaki figure out where she is, so a division can execute an ambush."

On screen, Keiko (or Haru?) continued, "...then come to the docks, Warehouse 8."

Okita released a patronizing laugh and glanced towards his superior who had hunched over from embarrassment. Yamazaki picked up on the other end.

"Yes, Vice-commander?" could be heard with the expected telephone fuzz.

"Make sure that at least one division heads over to the broadcasting station and another to the docks to take care of this terrorist crap. Then you come and pick me and Sougo up and take us to the docks."

"Hai! Wakarimashita!"

The Vice-commander snapped his phone shut and avoided eye contact with his lesser.

"Nice cover-up."

"Shut up, Sougo."

On the screen, "DON'T REVEAL OUR LOCATION!" the patriots yelled at her in horror. Visible sweat drops appeared on their faces through their masks. "How did you know which warehouse we were in anyway?"

Keiko simply shook her head. "I'll have you know that I acquired incredible detective skills over the years and used noteworthy methods to decipher our exact proximity to the ocean."

The patriots stared at her in disbelief. "We forgot to blindfold you, huh?"

Another chimed in, "Oh yeah, we only covered her mouth. We put the sack on later."

"Party-poopers," Keiko sneered.

"Stop revealing our inadequacies!" the boss cried from the corner. (Yes, he ended up crying actual tears). But, slowly, those tears stopped and soon his entire body was enwrapped with maniacal laughter.

He snapped.

The man rose, turned then treaded. He quickly gestured for the streaming to actually discontinue as he stalked towards the girl. But before the screen turned black, everyone watching could see – in faint outlines – him grabbing Keiko from her chair, hurling her onto the ground and dragging her into another room by her hair.

The screen cuts back to THE EDO where a member of the Jouishishi sat at the table, grinning like a child with a new toy.

"I always wanted to be a broadcaster, ya know!" he exclaimed gleefully as he tapped the table with the end of a stack of papers. "Ohayo gozaimasu, mina-san!" he smirked towards the camera.

"Ano ...the streaming returned to the station," a voice commented quietly from offscreen.

"Crap."

Then a crash, a yell and a boom preceded a "SHINSENGUMI-DA!"

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Within a few minutes, the Shinsengumi regained control of the broadcasting station and Yamazaki, Hijikata and Okita reached the warehouses. As the three joined with their comrades in surrounding the entrance of Warehouse 8, Okita noticed the large blue 'KASIO' symbol painted on its wall.

An officer approached them and quickly explained the situation. The few individuals seen in the footage were the only ones in the warehouse and could be easily managed.

The only problem lay with the hostage.

Suddenly, a scream emerged from inside, prompting Hijikata to order his men to charge. They stormed the warehouse with impassioned battle cries.

Shots were fired.

Swords were drawn.

Blood was spilt.

The Demon Vice-commander of the Shinsengumi effortlessly disposed of several enemies but they were not his focus. He sprinted towards the room where he saw the hostage being dragged into, dodging in and out between his men, his enemies and their weapons.

He flung the door open and saw ...striped panties.

Granted, there was also the body of the bloodied faction's leader on the ground, the woman who wore the striped underwear and the blood-covered chair in her hand. But the first and most important thing Hijikata Toshiro saw was the stripes.

Undeniably, striped panties do the strangest things to the minds of mortal men.

But Hijikata Toshiro believed that he was not a man who would typically let things like shimapan [striped panties] affect him. But Hijikata Toshiro underestimated the power of shimapan. The shimapan won. A blush conquered his face and a muteness conquered his tongue.

For three long, agonizing and embarrassing seconds, they just stared at each other. It soon became unbearable.

'Come on, think of something intelligent to say,' he thought to himself and out came: "Stripes."

Her face flared and she charged towards him, chair in hand, yelling the cry of her people.

TINK!

The last thing Hijikata saw was his own blood flying from his lips and a faint outline of her shimapan.

But hey, (3) actually turned out to be true.

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A/N: Sorry about the bad jokes and puns...

I'm trying my best here!

Oh, and [ ] indicate a random author's note.