Chapter 31: Approaching

Sayaka was barely keeping it together. Shakily wiping the sweat that beaded her forehead with a grimy, rumpled sleeve, she tried to slow her breathing. Kyoko had already given her a few strange glances, and her increasingly pathetic attempts at reassuring smiles were becoming less convincing.

If only there was a way to stop thinking about something. A way to forget.

This time, the vision, if that's what you'd call it, had been even more intense. She felt like she'd lived as the Witch... existed, or whatever, since their status as living was highly debatable. But what upset her hadn't been the time she'd spent witnessing the perspective of that monstrous mind, its incomprehensible logic driving it onward, possessed of an insatiable appetite for suffering and misery.

It hadn't been pleasant, certainly. The things that it had done; disgusting. What had been done to the captured girls, and their Soul Gems had been an atrocity. But Sayaka had the knowledge of the thing's destruction to console her, the vile acts and cruelty playing out like a list of crimes, terrible things that she and her partner had put a stop to.

What had her concerned, had her terrified, was something else entirely.

They stopped in a store, the only customers so early in the morning. Her mind was spinning, pieces of the puzzle fitting together tantalizingly, so close she could almost see what it all meant. It was something she didn't want to know, didn't want to even think about, yet her mind was compelled to dwell on the matter. Dazed, she didn't realize until they turned a corner down the street that they'd left the shop. She felt something being pressed into her palm, and looked down, suddenly insatiably thirsty for the cool, pristine bottle of water Kyoko had handed to her. It had already been opened, so she began drinking, gulping it down, the crisp tingle of the deliciously refreshing liquid something she felt a desperate need for.

Kyoko was watching her as she lowered the bottle, gasping for breath. She smiled when the blunette gave a little burp, wiping her mouth. Rummaging through her pockets, the red-head brought out a chocolate bar and unwrapped it. She was about to give it to the blunette when another thought occurred to her.

Still staring off into space, Sayaka felt something get shoved into her mouth. As if waking up, she realized Kyoko had shoved a piece of candy in her mouth. Mmmm, chocolate, she thought, temporarily distracted.

The red-head took the opportunity to take a bite out of the remaining half. She'd expected a grin, or a startled recrimination, some kind of reaction. They chewed in silence, walking slowly down the pre-dawn street. When Sayaka swallowed, Kyoko handed her the remaining chocolate, which was quickly devoured. At least her azure eyes looked a little brighter.

"So," Kyoko asked, and Sayaka could hear the forced gentleness of the older girl's question, like she was holding back something. "Do I get to know why we're going back to this place?"

It was a perfectly reasonable question, but for some reason Sayaka couldn't find an answer for her friend. "I... can't explain."

"Can't, or won't?" Kyoko demanded, starting to get fed up. If the blunette didn't trust her by now...

The younger girl felt a wave of panic. "N-no, it's not like that. I... the things..." She ran her fingers through her hair, clutching like she was going to start pulling it out. The golden hair cilp tore loose, falling to the street. "Can I ask you a question?" she abruptly asked, catching the red-head off guard as she dropped her hands and spun around. "Um, when you, ah, Contracted... what... what was it like?"

Kyoko blinked. Where the hell did that come from? She took a moment, bending down to retrieve her friend's fallen accessory. "Uh... lemme think. It's been a while, or at least it feels that way, but... Kyubey made me the offer, and I leapt at the chance. We'd been practically starving, so at the time it seemed like a no-brainer. He stuck around for a little, while I got on my feet, then I'd only see him whe-"

"No, that's not what I meant." Sayaka bit her lip, eyes narrowed in thought. Kyoko thought she looked... pensive, that was the word. And scared as shit about something; the blunette kept clutching her hands, trying to keep them from shaking. They continued walking, huddled inside their regular clothing, approaching the spot where they'd arrived in this strange city. She could see the large building that, from the road, had been framed by its surroundings so that it looked like nothing more than a giant hand, although from this perspective it was just another tower. Sayaka felt a burst of hope and fear at the sight, then finally continued. "How did it feel?"

"Feel?" Kyoko was baffled. "It was the most exciting moment of my life, up until that point. I thought I was going to be some kind of superhero..."

The blunette was shaking her head. "What I mean is: did it... hurt?"

The red-head stared at her for a long moment. "Ummmm... huh? Did making the contract hurt? Is that what you're asking?" Sayaka nodded. The older girl snapped her fingers. "It was done in, like, a second. I made my wish, felt something happening in my chest, a feeling of, I dunno, elation or something. It was a little hard to breathe, kinda the same way you feel when you're really excited. I really thought I was doing the right thing. The best thing, in fact. But no, it didn't hurt or anything. It was a strange sensation, but the hurt didn't come until I fought my first Witch... hey, whoa, what's wrong?"

Sayaka had stopped, clutching her sides as she started gasping, all the dark thoughts and possibilities she'd been contemplating given new life by the information she had feared to ask for. Feared what it might confirm.

"You... d-didn't say a-anything... about K-Kyubey... t-touching you," she gasped between the barely controlled sobbing. She knew she had to get a grip on herself, but it's like something wild and terrified inside of her was calling the shots. I'm so weak!

She felt her girlfriend, the person she perhaps cared about most in the entire world at the moment, take her head in her hands, bringing it up. Hidden through a veil of tears, Sayaka could only imagine the look of concern on her partner's face. Or, in a flash of doubt, envisioning instead a sneer of disgust, Kyoko noticing the pollution within her, the corruption that even now could be coursing through her veins-

But she felt her tears being wiped away by the gentle, deadly hands, trying to rein in the sense of horror that made her want to run, to lash out at something, to curl up in a ball and wait for the world to be over...

"Sayaka, what's wrong? What happened in there? These questions... Baby, I don't understand-"

Through her tears, the blunette's face was suddenly twisted in anger. "Don't call me that, it sounds stupid!" She pushed herself away. "Just... leave me alone. I... I need some space." She turned, heading down the final block.

Kyoko was conflicted. She'd known, deep down, this whole thing was a colossal mistake. The kind she'd never recover from.

She understood, and even took pride in the fact, that her success as a Puella Magi was a product not only of her ability, but her experiences, the things that had shaped her mentality into the brutally efficient veteran she was today. So much of the Magical Girl game was mental. The emotional destruction caused by the events of that fateful, fiery night had nearly destroyed her, but, once they'd burnt out, had left a charred husk of a girl, impervious to the vicissitudes of life's myriad sufferings. Stoic, detached, suppressing the very emotions that were, apparently, exactly what led girls down the path toward Witchification.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Miki Sayaka was, emotionally, on the opposite end of the spectrum. Passion was a product of an intense capacity for feeling, and the blunette had the passion of ten men, or three girls. Something that Kyoko half-admired, even if she couldn't quite understand it. Homura had made a convincing argument about noble thoughts and admirable actions being inversely proportional to a Magical Girl's lifespan. A month ago she would have agreed wholeheartedly, a week ago she would have agreed on the principle... now, though...

What the hell's happened? she wondered, bewildered by the past week. When did I go from trying to get that clueless newbie around to the right way of thinking... my way, to being completely corrupted by her point of view? I was just trying to help her out... now, I don't know if I could get by without her. I don't want to be alone again.

In a way, she absolutely hated this feeling of attachment she had developed. It wasn't a want, it was a need. A compulsion. She had been dreading the thought of going back, of being separated from the younger girl for any length of time, but the idea of whole days going by without being able to see her...

This is so not healthy. But even as she thought it, Kyoko knew she didn't care.

For the past hour, she'd grown more and more concerned by her friend's abrupt shift in behavior. Ever since the battle with the group of "renegade" Puella Magi, as she thought of any girl who initiated an attack on her... "stupid" or "suicidal" would made appropriate situational adjectives as well. That, coupled with the Witch, and whatever she'd seen in the Grief Seed, and before that fleeing from the yakuza... it had been a busy day.

Shit, Kyoko thought, rushing to catch up. I hope she doesn't have PTSD.

So close, Sayaka thought desperately, needing more than anything to find what she had latched on to, back at the shipyard. Proof, there had to be proof. It's here, it has to be. She'd been the type to record everything; it has to be here. Something, anything that can help me understand.

She hoped, in a way, she was going mad. She might just be infected with the Witch's insanity. The alternative... the coincidences were too obvious to ignore, the... similarities impossible to dismiss. There's no way any of this is real, she told herself. But she couldn't give voice to her worries and fears, as if she'd make them real by saying them aloud.

Looking up, she saw the giant tower rising up behind the apartment, the grasping hand of a titan. She took a deep breath, preparing to enter the building, remembering.

Gabrielle had always been at the center. Even before the transformation.

Her parent's had adored her. Her friends, such that she had, regarded her as the leader. She had co-captained the Math League and was the star orator of her Debate team. The disembodied consciousness that floated through the miasma of memories couldn't understand. It had seemed like she'd had everything; loving family, beautiful apartment, high marks and a pick of some of Japan's most prestigious high schools ahead of her. She was the kind of girl who kept a meticulous journal outlining her future plans, who'd already begun saving up tuition for a college that would end up doing everything but paying her to attend.

It wasn't until the mind that was somehow present began to dig deeper, delve further into the twisted mess that certain things became clear, but by then it was too late.

The most important day of her life had been the one she had met Kyubey-not Gabrielle's most important day, but the girl who was to become Gabrielle. Despite her academic and extra-curricular success, the girl was, more than anything else, lonely.

She wasn't pretty. The one thing in her life she seemed unable to control was the eating. She wasn't athletic, and her physique left her feeling timid around her peers. It was different, when she was surrounded by the kind of people she could dominate: individuals of a more intellectual persuasion. People who valued brilliance, and rewarded abstractions such as intelligence tests and performance exams with prestige. Esteem. Those types she had no problem with, although her abrasive overcompensation left her with few friends. That was alright with her; she didn't want any of those losers as her friends, anyway.

It was her peers, the ones that mattered, the cool ones. That's who she wanted acclaim from. That's where she belonged. Admired by everyone, not just the social pariahs. At school, when the occasional acquaintance would approach during lunch, asking for a piece of advice or hesitantly beginning an invitation, she had to turn them down. Cruelly, usually humiliating a teammate to distance herself from their taint in front of the watchful gaze of the people she really wanted to be with.

But the beautiful people continued to despise her. The stinging remarks about her body, about her mind-since when was being smart a bad thing?-continued. She felt harassed, trapped. The days were long; the only thing she had to look forward to was eating herself sick when she'd gotten home. She'd eat until the pain went away, replaced by that sick, nauseous feeling of hot shame as she'd run to the bathroom to spew out the evil that was twisting her up inside. Watching the foul, corrupt contents from within her swirl lazily down the toilet, wiping her streaming eyes, the girl who became Gabrielle would turn her blame elsewhere. It wasn't her fault. They had done this to her.

The journal that had once been privy to her secret hopes and dreams, crushes and fears, now became a repository of a darker thought process. The record-keeping shifted from academic pursuits to a list of those who'd wronged her, snubbed her... and the ways she could hurt them the most.

Friendless, the girl began to turn in on herself, a body starved of some key nutrient, devouring itself from the inside, slowly eating its own organs away in an effort to attain what it so desperately needed but impossible to communicate.

Stupid asshole, it's her own fault, thoughts coalesced for a moment, hardened by anger. What's going on? A sense of fear, consciousness breaking up. Something's wrong...

Kyubey had offered the solution. The magical, albino fox, visible only to her, telling her she was special, offering her a wish... It was the ultimate validation of her feeling of superiority. She'd taken less than a minute to make up her mind. She didn't want to be defeated by anyone, ever again. The fox had stared at her with those emotionless pink eyes, it's non-expression cryptic, sticking it's ear-arms into her chest, the pain agonizing as it had seemed to dig inside of her, clutching and twisting-

And then, with a gasp of relief, it was over. Suddenly, she really was better than everyone. Different, unique. But most of all, powerful.

All hatred has a special flavor, subtly different from the next in a hundred small but important ways. It could burn hot and all-consuming, or crystallize into a frozen, unbreakable shard. It could be a flash in the pan, acted upon immediately without thought, or allowed to slowly simmer, the scent of it boiling in its own juices enough to sustain the feeling until the time was just right... weakness, stupidity, blindness, hypocrisy, ignorance, selfishness... there were just so many reasons to hate people. The girl became a connoisseur of it. It wasn't that she resented anyone, or felt jealousy, the girl had told herself.

Yeah right, something thought.

The reason she felt such hatred was that she was so much better than everyone. It amazed her that people didn't see this. They were nothing more than a bunch of pathetic idiots she'd forget the moment she graduated, people's whose lives she could ruin ten years down the line with a snap of her fingers. She mattered, unlike the rest of her imbecilic peers.

Even those she fought with earned her scorn. It was a matter of convenience. The pudgy little one who would become Greta was annoying, but even more useful with that knack for finding things, especially Witches. Katrina's larval form was obnoxious, her wish a total waste, and worse yet, she was accepted by the very people the girl wanted for herself, before she decided to hate them for the filth they were. The beautiful girl's arrogance, however, had been backed up by her performance in battle.

The girl who was almost Gabrielle didn't regret the things she did. She reveled in the misery her actions caused, all the more because she was never caught. Methodically, she'd set out so settle old scores. Her masterstroke had been planting all those incriminating pictures and videos on a teacher's computer. The mediocre intellect had taken it upon himself to set her straight, seeing the way she'd terrorized half the class. He'd had the gall to threaten her with disciplinary measures... a black mark on her permanent record. It had taken a lot of obsessive work, but she'd managed to crack into the phones of several of the class's most popular boys with the worst reputations, and had gone so far as to hide cameras in strategic locations, both within the school and inside a few private homes. It had been no problem at all with her new powers; she quickly discovered she could do anything.

When the teacher had been led away, it had felt like one of her crowning achievements. The next came that very night when she posted the videos on the internet, linking the page to several classmates under a fake name.

The local media had gotten a hold of it, and the "School of Sin" attained a fair amount of media coverage, none of it favorable. Especially after the two suicides.

Holy shit, I remember that, came a startled thought.

The teacher; a blind fool, refusing to see her genius. The girl; a filthy little slut who had done the gene-pool a favor by slitting her wrists. Gabrielle smiled patiently, waiting within the girl who held her. She'd been there from the start, in some ways, ever since Kyubey first touched her.

That night, the fox had visited her again. Even as the questing consciousness that was Miki Sayaka tried to penetrate the veiled memory, she met resistance. As if, even now, the remnant of whatever had become of the Witch Gabrielle sought to deny it, lock it away. Sayaka mentally pushed, a metaphorical box clicking open-

Pain. Torturous pain. Shockingly familiar, a sense of violation. Defilement. Even as she experienced what the girl had felt, curled up on her bed, weeping in agony as a pair of sinister, pink eyes stared heartlessly from a nearby table... Sayaka was remembering that cold gaze watching her own body writhing on the floor, too breathless from the pain to scream.

The little white paw, in both cases, resting upon a brightly glowing Soul Gem.

Ten days later, Gabrielle hatched.

Anything falling into place for you, yet? Just a little more patience, beloved reader.

Thank you for your reviews, and quite a few views, it was just the motivational tool I needed. Please continue, and let me know any thoughts, speculations, problems or whatever you can think of, I absolutely love to read them. I don't know what pace I'll be able to keep, but I promise not to abandon it, just a hiatus now and again.

A specific question: is the pacing okay? thirty chapters, and they're not even back in Mitakihara. I had no idea how long it was going to be when I started, and I wanna make sure it doesn't seem too repetitive or drowned in minutiae.