A/N: This a long part with lots of sadness. I've worked to get to a point where I can pump these parts out quickly. Thank you for reading and bookmarking!

Warnings: This chapter contains implications of Fae seeing himself dead (mostly from the Templar Mission), a long bout of depression, mentions of child abuse, suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt. If you are not comfortable with this please do not read.

Don't worry, Fae will be okay.

He needs it written, because then the memories can't slip away like the rest. Where do they go though, when they slip away? Is it because of the Mark, he thinks, or is it worse? He knows that it is worse.

Day 1

Patient arrived unconscious, and was believed to still be suffering from an attack by an Envy demon. Further queries revealed that the attack was mostly mental and there is no evidence that he was hit in the head and we're still checking for poison. He is stable for now and isn't thrashing like Adan said he did last time he was like this.

Was informed by crazed elf woman that I had to write in the journal for him. Said it was important but not why. I have been elected to stay by the Herald's side until he wakes and to ensure that he is mentally stable. After flipping through the journal I discovered that the Herald is biologically female. Will continue to treat him as though he was male however, as there seems to be signs of older trama perhaps from the hands of his Keeper that may be related to this. Too many scars to be from fighting demons and hunting.

There was someone- I thought I saw movement but it was just the shadows. The Breach has everyone jumpy lately. The lack of the Herald ensures it.

Day 2

Still unconcious. Uncertain as to how to best approach changing his clothes. Will distress patient when discovered that someone changed him and removed binder. I decided to remove binder for his safety already so I undressed him and made sure room is locked to everyone. Even the Seeker. Seeker Pentaghast was not thrilled by this decision. The elf woman is worse in other ways, however. She keeps trying to unlock the door, so I find myself by the Herald's side quite often.

Is it tiring being such an important figure? Or was there something he saw that made it so much worse? He's been mumbling something the last few hours, but show no other signs of waking. Is it me or is there someone else here, watching and waiting? I'm crazy, I shut everyone out for a reason.

Day 3

He woke up. Briefly. Not sure I have time to write today outside of this.

Day 4

Herald still out of it, awake sometimes but mostly still incoherent. Screamed and cried for an hour straight then fell asleep. Barely managed to get him food and water a few minutes ago. Says that he's not sure what's real anymore. Begged to die before, he said, "before I become a monster."

Unsure of his meaning. Might ask later. Went to Adan about Herald and treatment. Adan said he already knows about it. Says that they have materials for a potion. Didn't specify. Still feel watched.

Day 5

Patient awake. Clung to leg most of day asking to die. Whatever he saw was bad, but convinced him to eat and take the potion Adan gave me. He's sleeping peacefully now, but is facing wall and bunched blanket up around him. His yelling and sobbing attracted the attention of his companions and also the advisors. They're demanding to see him, or at the very least Seeker Pentagast is. I'll have to figure something out soon, or they'll be knocking down my door. The crazed elf woman was the worst as she was nowhere to be found, which made me think she snuck in at some point while I was gone. Unsure if she did anything, however.

Still did not have nearly enough time between that and when I discovered that the patient had taken an arrow from somewhere and was about to use it to hurt himself. I managed to stop him, but this latest turn only proves that perhaps seeing others will snap him out of this. He might never recover, or he might with more time. However, need to move quick to get patient back to full health at least so he can seal the Breach. Mind healing takes time, but will be necessary.

I worry about the state of the patient. The fact that I found him thrashing before waking and then this latest episode... what happened at Therinfall Redoubt?

Day 6

Granted access to patient. Had no choice as Seeker Pentaghast was insistent and Adan said it would be good for the patient. Remained in his room during all the visits. Advisor Cullen was the first to come, with pastries and sweets, strangely enough. He entered, left the sweets near Faelyn, and left. Asked Advisor Josephine where he had gotten them when she entered, Haven barely can make bread at the best of times, she said that she often sent them to Cullen and he requested extra this time. Advisor Josephine was quiet, and did not say much to the patient.

I believe that the patient- the Herald, was awake for these visits. He didn't say anything. the Nightingale arrived, asked about his condition and if I needed anything to treat him, then left. Not sure what this means.

Seeker Pentaghast was first in after the advisors. Apparently, there was an order for visiting set up. Possibly by Josephine. Will ask later, maybe. Seeker Pentaghast asked him if he was okay and if he needed anything. Said that Envy was a tough demon to face down, that the fact that he was not replaced was amazing in itself. Very much truth to the statement. Herald moaned and pulled blankets tighter to self. Seeker Pentaghast got frustrated and said that they had to seal the Breach now. Pushed her out.

Iron Bull next. He barely fit through the doorframe but somehow made it. Gave him this strange drink. Called it choc late. Never heard of it but Fae rolled over to grab it and drink it. Apparently, he liked it.

Sera just took the journal, thanked me, read it, and then put it back. Said that he can't lose himself. Not fair.

Solas watched from doorway, but left soon after.

Vivenne was the most encouraging I think. No gifts but sat with Herald and quietly talked to him. I gave them space. Wonder if she sees him like a son. Might be.

Varric gave him books. Noticed Tale of The Champion and Hard in Hightown in the stack. Herald seemed to by this point to be better. Might talk to Herald tomorrow.

Quiet moment where he asked if I knew. I said yes. Herald asked if anyone else did. I said I did not know. Said I had suspicion that Sera knows.

Day 7

Herald tried to walk. Left very weak after so much time in bed. Believe that he's trying to get up and fight again. Good sign, promising. Talked with him some. Said writing in journal during his sickness. He said that he was better, that as soon as the Breach is sealed he doesn't have to worry about it.

Asked what 'it' was.

Herald described the vision he saw from Envy demon. Said that he saw himself dead or using the Inquisition to hurt people. Like the old one. He was shaking at end of description.

Told him that Envy wanted to be him for a reason. Said that what he saw was the Envy demon's fear of him. Fear that he would destroy this 'Elder One' and defeat Envy as well. Said that Herald was very brave for facing this fear and he was tougher than he gives self credit for. Herald said that he was always fighting somehow.

He is good at fighting, always fighting. It's his face, but the demon wears the body he wishes for. Always fighting for the right words, 'he' not what the keeper calls him. The correct words are kept from him, he goes first into anywhere they go. He gets the worst of the humans to deal with.

Small but smart. Man but pretends to be a girl. Hide under the cover of a dress, keep your mouth shut! They pretend to not hear him speak from under the folds of the fan he is forced to carry. They know he is smarter than they are. He knows this too but is too afraid to speak up again. The scars are not healed.