I dreamed of Minaeve again. She had been back at Haven, tied to the fire pots that had appeared seemingly overnight. I never knew what they were or their purpose. But Minaeve and Adan had been tied to them or something and the fire was approaching rapidly. I managed to cut Adan free, and moved on to save Minaeve. I thought that I could do it, but the blast knocked me off my feet and into the nearby shack.
I reached for her, saying something. Everything was burning and on fire. I thought that I could still save her, but Cassandra dragged me back to the Chantry, saving a few more along the way. Cassandra just kept saying the same thing over and over.
There's nothing you can do for her now.
I don't know, if I'd been faster, or maybe if I'd just checked on her and Adan first then maybe... It's my fault. What kind of chosen one can I be if I can't save everyone? Why did they make me Inquisitor? I'm not nearly good enough to save Minaeve. Her Tranquil replacement stares at me whenever I drop by to see how Dorian is settling in and borrow a book or two.
Which is far too often, and I notice her stare every time. I know that the Tranquil don't feel anything, but I know she's accusing me, thinking that next time that Darkspawn jerk visits that she'll be next.
Solas and I have been having regular chats about the Fade, and... we saved a spirit too. I guess saved is the wrong word. We... we stopped mages from abusing the spirit that we tried to save. It reminded me of Minaeve, how... how all I could do was sit there and watch her body burn away as I was pulled from the wreckage.
I should feel bad, lock myself in my room and refuse to come out until I can somehow forget that image. I don't think I ever will forget that image though, it's almost as permanent as the burn marks I got when I tried to save her. I saved as many as I could, though. It has to be good enough, and next time I see Corypheus, I have an arrow for his face. Maybe also a few words for him as well.
In the midst of all the recent happenings, I got a letter addressed to me. It was a plain scroll with my name written in messy, childish handwriting on the side. It was an invitation to something called The Black Emporium. A quick meeting ensured that going was the right decision. Even if I didn't say exactly what was in the letter.
Won't say what it said here either, because Sera will yell at me. All I'll say here is that I think I have a chance at something I've always wanted. It's hard to even think that I might be close to that, and I kind of wonder why I want it too. Like, I know the reasoning, but I don't have the memories of why I came to this conclusion.
It's werid. My memory is often time reliable, especially after the Conclave. But before that? It's like someone made it into holey cheese. Riddled with blank spots and empty spaces, and feelings about things that I don't understand. Phobias about the dark and the small spaces that seem to not be a part of Skyhold, but littered Haven. The cells below the chantry gave me the creeps. They were dark and wet, and somehow I always wondered what would have happened if I had been locked inside those cages.
I suspect I would either scream for a long time, or maybe just shut down. Be like how I was after Therinfall. Just... stop everything. Freeze in that moment, and be unable to move past it. Truth be told, I've been having nightmares lately. Hazy memories, brief flashes of Therinfall, and the latest, Minaeve's death. How do I move on from that? Do I just pretend that none of it ever happened?
Maybe I could use if as fuel to move forward or something cheesy like that. I don't know. Maybe I'll think about it on the trip up to Kirwall. Might even solve the mysteries of the Mark while I'm there.
Who am I kidding? This guy sells stuff. Glamours, epic weapons, and certainly not answers. It would be too easy if he did.
He doesn't sleep anymore. He tosses and turns, reliving the fires again. Just one more time, he says, if he could do it just one more time he could save her. Everything hurts, and why won't it go away. Just go away! Don't trust me I can't remember anything anymore! It's all just slipping away before my eyes... friends are memories now, getting hazy around the edges.