It's a bad habit of mine to expect things to be completely undone because I was involved. That somehow it's all my fault for what has happened. The loss of Minaeve, the soldiers, Celene, and now I suspect Calpernia. I thought I was helping her. Saving her from Corypheus. The scouts said they found her body after the fighting died down and it appeared that the Sentinels had left. Not only had I failed the Inquisition, I failed the People as well. All that knowledge given to a Shemlen. Morrigan was human, and try as I might, I keep wishing I had stepped in instead. But... when Cole said that the voices would drown out my own, I became scared.
I let go of everything that the People had been and let it all fade away. I let it rot in the temple and I met Mythal. Makes me wonder if there was ever anything that we had gotten right about who we had been. The temple was beautiful beyond description, but I wondered how much more beautiful it would have been in the days it was used.
I feel... like I'm letting go of everything I ever thought I was. A Dalish made into just another arm of the Chantry. It's funny, yesterday I said 'by the Maker' out of nowhere. I can't even remember what it was like to pray to Dirthamen or to Mythal. And now that I've met Mythal I doubt that they hear us now.
I even asked and she said that it fell on deaf ears. Well, she said that she heard them and she did nothing. What if all the Gods were just people who were just slightly different from the rest? Already my name has replaced the Maker's on my army's lips. Heh, 'my army'. I had hoped that this would end as soon as The Breach was sealed but instead I'm now at war with a darkspawn. I'm not a Grey Warden, and I've seen the Grey Wardens fall to this darkspawn's influence. I'm the general of a war and in the first few months of said war I fell face first into a godsdamned bear.
I find drinking helps to wash out the pain from The Anchor and just fighting for so long. So far, I've spent several nights drunk and some mornings still drunk. Josephine disapproves but if she'd seen the loss that I've been forced to endure, walked into empty homes with claw marks on the walls... I think that she would join me. I want it over. I want to stop fighting and I want to go back to being a knife-ear that didn't matter to anyone except my clan and a few city elves.
Wycombe is gone. A majority of the people ruling it have died or been killed because of red lyrium poisoning, and a lot of city elves were blamed because of it. I saved a lot of them, but it was a close thing. Wycombe will never be the same because I lived there. Maybe I ruin everything I touch, and maybe my Keeper was right. I'm nothing without the people behind me. A mess of issues and the wrong ideas about justice and truth.
I keep waiting to be proven wrong but... when even the Gods I thought could do anything are just human, what does that mean for the rest of us?