This chapter we start to get some of Beca's thoughts and reactions, as well as more of Chloe and Aubrey and their reactions.
Beca barely makes it back to her dorm, the colors around her overwhelming in their intensity. This can't be happening. Surely this is some kind of mistake in the universe. She can't have just met her soulmate; she'd sworn that she didn't need a soulmate.
She knew there were people who never met theirs, or didn't have one, and she'd decided when her father left that she'd be one of them. Obviously having a soulmate doesn't mean you'll end up happy, and losing what was supposed to be perfect for you had to hurt more than never finding it, right? Based on how her mother had taken the divorce, Beca was sure it wasn't worth it.
That's why she'd started wearing black and gray all the time, only giving in to her mother's demands for some kind of color because she'd known it made her happy. She still preferred the dark shades that almost looked black to her, but at least it was color. But now, now if she were willing to she could look down and see that her shirt isn't black, and even if it's not bright, it's not her. Nothing about this new world around her is comfortable, it's all too bright.
Surely the universe can't be this cruel, inflicting a soulmate on her. It's not fair to her, or to the person the universe had somehow decided was supposed to be stuck with her. No, it had to be a mistake.
The colors had flickered in, they didn't just appear like her mother had described when she'd reminisce about the past. And she'd been talking to those two girls, who were wearing matching soulmates bands, which made even les sense. No one else had been around, but how could your soulmate have a soulmate already?
Beca sighs and rolls over in bed, pulling her blanket over her head so she can pretend the colors never happened, that she's still safely in her black and white comfort zone. At least for tonight, she can ignore the events of the day.
Of course she dreams in color now. Chloe and Aubrey both cycle through, bright hair and eyes dancing through her dreams, matching the beat of Beca's latest mashup. And when she wakes up, Beca is more confused than before, because her music has always been her own. Her music understands her, and she understands it. She'd often joked that the only way she'd see colors was if she came face to face with an album of her own. That had always been her dream, her goal for her life.
To mix her music with the far too confusing emotions surrounding those two women is too much for her, and Beca tries desperately to push any and all thoughts of them out of her mind. She dresses in all black for the day, ignoring the newly revealed shades in her wardrobe. Maybe she can't ignore the colors around her, but at least her own look doesn't have to acknowledge them.
As she explores the campus before classes start, mostly to avoid being easy to find if her father looks for her, she sees the two women a few times in the crowd. But every time she does, she manages to head another direction before they can get close enough to talk. Talking to them again will just make things that much harder to ignore.
She's going to focus on keeping her head down, avoiding as many people as possible, and just get through this college thing with no fuss. That's the plan, and even if Beca usually hates following plans, this one is right up her alley.
The pang of emotion every time she turns away is harder to ignore than even the rush of color around her, but Beca is stubborn enough that once she's decided, she's sticking to the plan. She tells herself that she can't miss what she's never had, and tries to believe it.
Maybe is she keeps telling herself that, the pang will go away.
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Chloe and Aubrey have both noticed Beca avoiding them, and both feel vaguely guilty for their reaction, knowing how the other feels.
Chloe feels hurt that the younger woman is avoiding them, and almost wants to run after her to demand that she talk to them. At the same time, she knows Aubrey feels insecure enough as it is, and she won't risk hurting her further.
And Aubrey feels grateful that Beca won't talk to them, as well as unsettled by the woman's choice of attire. The stark black clothing seems like a direct rejection to the blonde, and makes her even more certain that soulmate or not, Beca isn't good for them. But she knows how Chloe feels, and wishes that she could make her girlfriend happy.
They have a quiet dinner in that night, neither really willing to face crowds or conversation, each caught up in their own thoughts. They stay close to each other all night, both needing the reassurance that comes from physical presence as they continue to adjust to the changes.
It's not until Chloe wakes up crying that they talk about it. "She wouldn't even look at us, Bree. Why wouldn't she look at us?" Chloe cries into Aubrey's shoulder, her earlier restraint lost to lack of sleep and the emotions of the nightmare.
And Aubrey is only half awake, but she knows Chloe isn't trying to hurt her, so she doesn't respond verbally. Instead she pulls the redhead closer and lets her cry, running soothing hands across her back as she slowly calms.
When Chloe wakes up enough to shake the last remnants of the nightmare away and stop the tears, she knows she won't be able to fall asleep again, not wanting to risk the dream returning. So when a glance at the clock reveals it's already almost six, she tries to roll over and get out of bed to start the day. But Aubrey pulls her back as she turns, not willing to let her go just yet.
That's when Chloe realizes that she must have hurt Aubrey, so she settles back into her girlfriend's side without complains. "I'm sorry" she eventually whispers into the darkness of the room, hoping Aubrey can tell how sincere she is from the tone of her voice.
"You don't have to apologize for how you feel" comes the equally quiet response. "I know it hurt that she was avoiding us, and part of me wishes I could go track her down and make her realize what she was doing to you. But Chloe, we can't push her on this"
"Do you really feel like that?" Chloe can't help but ask, knowing Aubrey's reservations about Beca.
"She hurt you, of course I want to make her realize why that's a bad thing" comes the immediate answer. "I may not be willing to accept that we should try to bring her into this relationship, and I may think she doesn't fit into our life, but I know you want that, and I know how much you hated her avoiding us."
"So what are we going to do?"
"What can we do, really? We can't make her do anything, and we can't agree on what we want to do together. We have to just let things be." Chloe knows Aubrey is right, but patience is not her strong suit. Especially when she's as emotionally invested as she already is.
She's only had one conversation with the woman, and it was a complete disaster, but she can't forget the deep blue of her eyes, or the glimmer of mischief lurking in them as she'd taunted Aubrey. There was just something about the younger woman that won't let her go.
But if Beca wants to ignore them, then Aubrey's suggestion that they let things be is the only option they really have. No matter how much Chloe wishes there was something she could do to change the situation.
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As the next month passes, Chloe gets used to Beca avoiding them, though the hurt never really disappears. She and Aubrey discuss it occasionally, but with Beca still ignoring them there's never really anything new to add, so they mostly avoid mentioning it completely.
Chloe knows they both think about her often, but they keep the thoughts to themselves. They focus instead on strategies for the Bellas, on how they'll manage to find the girls they need to keep the Bella tradition going. Chloe knows Aubrey is stressing about the pressure that puts on them, and starts making sure they take the time to relax at least once a week. Aubrey's worrying won't make singers appear, so Chloe does her best to keep her girlfriend on level emotional ground, even as she does her best to find singers around campus that she can invite.
She's so focused on finding women that when she hears someone singing in the showers, she forgets that most people expect privacy and goes in search of the mystery singer. And when she pulls the curtain aside and sees Beca, her heart seems to leap, and before she can think about it, she's calling out to the girl, smiling widely. "You can sing!" she all but yells, not minding that Beca jumps in shock and tries to hide "How high does your belt go?" she asks as she shuts off the water, stepping further into the shower and closer to the younger girl.
"Dude, get out!" Beca is exclaiming in front of her, ignoring the question as she tries to cover herself, and Chloe can't help noticing how attractive the other woman is, before feeling guilty. Even if Beca is one of her soulmates, they aren't together, and Chloe is with Aubrey. Still, she'd heard Beca sing, and she needs more.
"You have to audition for the Bellas" she tries, focusing on the reason she'd actually entered the shower stall in an attempt to banish the less innocent thoughts from her head.
"I can't concentrate on anything you're saying until you cover your junk" Beca says as she deliberately stares at the ceiling. Chloe is trying not to be hurt by Beca refusing to look at her even when cornered, and only the realization that she's still nude lets her succeed. Still, she has a goal, and she's going to accomplish it.
"Just consider it" she tries again, launching into a list of reasons why joining would be awesome, before realizing it's not working, and switches to connecting with Beca over the song she'd been singing. And okay, maybe mentioning that "Titanium" is her lady jam was a bit much, but when Beca had bent over to retrieve her loofah Chloe's thoughts had taken a definite turn back towards the less than innocent before she could remind herself that she's on a mission.
As soon as Beca gives in and starts singing, Chloe loses herself in the music, automatically joining in with the higher register, eyes locked on Beca's as they harmonize. And as they sing, Chloe realizes that she will never be complete without Beca, no matter how much she loves Aubrey. Seeing Beca at the fair had brought colors to her life, but it's here in the shower that she really feels the connection. If only Aubrey was here as well, Chloe would never want to leave.
As it is, the verse ends all too soon, and Beca loses the confidence she'd gained from the music, clutching the offered towel to her chest as she awkwardly makes eye contact. Chloe is so amazed by the melody and eye contact, hesitant or not, that she has to remind herself to leave before she ends up pushing Beca away. "See you at auditions!" she calls over her shoulder as she heads back to her own stall to finish showering, hurrying through the rest of her routine in her haste to get to auditions.
She doesn't end up having enough time to talk to Aubrey beforehand, so she's left alone with her nerves as hopefuls cross the stage. She tries to give each singer her undivided attention, but can't get the memory of her earlier duet out of her mind.
She feels Aubrey stiffen next to her when Beca comes out of the wings, knows the younger woman has won no points by not having the song prepared. But Chloe knows what Beca can do, and no matter what she sings, Aubrey is going to have to let her in. But then Beca surprises the entire auditorium with a relatively simple song that nevertheless puts her towards the top of the audition list.
And Chloe knows that she'll have a lot of explaining to do once she and Aubrey start to go over their lists, because Beca doesn't take her eyes off her the entire time she's singing. And she can tell it bothers her girlfriend, but she also knows Aubrey well enough to see that the singing got through to her, at least a little.
She wants Beca and Aubrey to speak after auditions, but the younger woman disappears before they can catch up to her. So instead of talking to Beca, they end up walking silently back to the apartment, each lost in their own thoughts.
The silence doesn't last long once they're home though. "What the hell was that?" Aubrey asks almost as soon as the door shuts behind them.
"I convinced her to audition this morning" Chloe starts, taking Aubrey's hand in her own. "I was going to tell you, but there wasn't time before auditions, and then we were focused on listening. Aubrey, she's really good, and I think the Bellas need her."
"The Bellas need her, or you need her?" Aubrey snaps, and immediately softens when Chloe winces. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I just got so jealous, the way she wouldn't stop looking at you" And Chloe knows how hard it is for Aubrey to admit that, even after years of learning how to be open with each other.
"That was just because I convinced her to audition" she tries to reason, knowing that Aubrey isn't going to like the rest of the story. "And Bree, remember that she might not know having two soulmates is possible. We didn't."
"How did you even find out she could sing like that?" comes the expected question, and Chloe almost wishes she could lie, but she knows that lies destroy relationships, and she won't risk that. She does lead Aubrey to the couch before answering, wanting them to be settled before starting this part of the conversation.
"I sort of heard her singing in the dorm showers when I stopped before auditions, and didn't realize who it was until I'd invaded her shower stall" Chloe says hesitantly, trying to keep her eyes on Aubrey's face, despite wanting to hide in a pillow and miss any potential reproach that she might see there. She's still not embarrassed about what happened, but she knows how it sounds, and she's worried about how Aubrey is going to take it.
"You burst in on her in the shower?" Aubrey eventually asks, face carefully blank in a way that worries Chloe even as she nods. She isn't expecting Aubrey to start laughing, and her surprise keeps her quiet until her girlfriend stops. "Chloe, I know you wanted to talk to her, but cornering her in the shower seems a little much."
"I didn't know it was her at first!" Chloe tries to explain. "I just heard her voice, and knew we had to have that sound in the Bellas. Believe me Aubrey, what we heard in auditions is only a fraction of what she can do. She can help us." Chloe is almost desperate for Aubrey to understand, because not only can Beca help the Bellas, but she can help them. Beca can help their relationship in ways Chloe can't even imagine, she just knows it.
And Chloe knows that her girlfriend is scared of that fact, of the idea that what they've built so far isn't perfect, that she somehow isn't perfect. But that's not how Chloe feels at all, and she's trying to find words to explain, to show the blonde how she feels. Because Chloe knows that Aubrey is perfect as she is, and their relationship is perfect as well.
But if Beca is somehow perfect for them as well, then Chloe doesn't want to miss out on expanding her relationship with Aubrey into one that includes her as well. Because as perfect as Aubrey is, Chloe has been dreaming about having the storybook perfect relationship for years, and as it stands, they need Beca for that. There's a reason they brunette gave them colors, and Chloe wants to find out.
But even as all of that swirls in her head, she can't put it into words that she knows won't hurt Aubrey. Because now that Chloe knows more is possible, and meant to happen, there's an undercurrent of longing even when she's with Aubrey. She's happy, never been happier than when she's with her girlfriend, but now there's a what if hanging over them, and Chloe knows that Aubrey will take it as not being good enough, even when that's the farthest thing from the truth. So she chokes down the words, keeps them in her head while she waits for her girlfriend's answer.
And Aubrey seems to be going through her own internal struggle, almost visibly arguing with herself as Chloe tries not to hold her breath in anticipation. "Okay" the blonde finally says reluctantly. "But we don't bring up that we think she's our third soulmate, and if she brings it up, we both talk to her. Because if she thinks it's only one of us, she might come to you first, but it's going to affect us all."
"Does this mean you're willing to consider bringing her into the relationship?" Chloe asks, needing to know where Aubrey stands.
"Not yet" comes the disappointing but expected answer. "We don't even know her yet. And I'm still worried that she won't fit, with us or the Bellas. But I am willing to give her a chance in the Bellas, and willing to get to know her before we make any actual decisions about all of us."
Chloe has been shifting closer to Aubrey the entire time she was explaining, and as soon as she's done, closes the rest of the distance to pull her girlfriend close "No matter what happens, we will have each other" Chloe whispers into her girlfriend's hair, squeezing tightly before letting go and grabbing her notes on the other women who'd auditioned. They have a lot of work to do before initiation tonight.