Snowdragonct: As always, I really appreciate you reviewing and sharing your thoughts, so thank you very much! :) I'm so sorry about all the bad-ending relationships you have had, I hope something (someone) better will find its (his) way to you soon :)
Frayedsoul: Thank you for reviewing! :) With each chapter you will find out more about what happened in the ten years between the end of the war and the current storyline, I hope I will entice you to stick around :P And I hope you will enjoy this chapter :)
MILHARU: Thank you for reviewing :) I'm glad you are enjoying the story, sorry for the long wait, but I hope the chapter will make up for it :)
Pikeebo: Good to read you are enjoying the story, I hope you will like this update? This story, aside from the epilogue/short sequel will be entirely from Heero's perspective. But I hope that everything will still be sufficiently dealt with by the end of the story. Thank you for reviewing :)
Shenlong1: Thank you so much for leaving a review and sharing your thoughts with me! Along with dealing with the current situation, each chapter will also reveal more about what happened in the ten years between the wars and where they are now, including why Duo cheated. I hope you will continue to read and enjoy this story and I would love to hear from you again :)
Hope: Thank you very much, what a wonderful compliment :) Sorry Duo isn't very likable so far, but I hope that the past (which will be revealed in parts) will at least explain his actions and maybe he'll win you over again, but no promises :P Thank you for reviewing :)
TheSpaz: Thank you, I hope you will enjoy this one! :)
Dyna: Thank you for reviewing, I hope you will continue to read to find out if their ending will be a happy one :)
Hikaru Itsuko: Thank you so much for reviewing! Keep in mind that it was never said Duo cheated on Heero (just) because he was drunk, what happened exactly will be revealed during the story :) Sorry this update took a little longer, but I have high hopes for picking up the pace.
Nikki: Thank you so much for reviewing again :) Thank you for your kind words and I am just really happy that you seem to be enjoying the story :) Go figure that of all the things in the world soap-opera's are found everywhere -.- :P
CirckleKV12: Hm, no tears? Than I have my work cut out for me :P Thank you for your review and your kindness. I really hope you will enjoy this update :)
Starless-ocean: Thank you reviewing again! I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me :) I'm sorry this update took a while, but I hope not to make a habit of taking so long. Hopefully this chapter will be worth the wait :)
VegaLume-San: Thank you so much for your wonderful compliment, I'm really happy to read that you are liking the story. I hope you will enjoy this update :)
rockyBubbles: Unfortunately I am partial to telling a story from the perspective of a single character, most of the time I think it's contrived to write from several perspective, I always find it much more interesting to view a world only through the eyes of one character and have the other major characters be sort of a mystery. Isn't that exactly the way life is? :) So I hope that won't bother you too much :) Thank you so much for reviewing, I hope you will like this new chapter :)
blah blah: You ask and I deliver (better late than never?) :P
Jisa: sorry you had to wait so long :S With summer vacation coming up I hope to be able to update more frequently, a lack of inspiration certainly won't be any problem for a while :) Thank you for reviewing :)
Author's note:
Here it is!
This chapter, as all following chapters, contains a flashback. These are indicated by lines like this one:
Followed by the year in which it all takes place. At the end of the flashback, you will see the line again:
Followed by the year in which the current baby-daddy-roadtrip situation takes place (AC 206).
I haven't worked with clear-cut flashbacks like this before, but I hope that this style of indication is clear in separating the different timelines :)
Announcement: Thousand Words chapter 4 will be up VERY soon, I kid you not.
Beta: CaramelAriana. Thank you so much :)
Loneliest Road
Chapter Three
- Crossroads are questions along our journey; "Where do you really want to go?" -
It was early in the morning, the sunrise was just a suggestion of warm orange rays at the horizon, yet my side of the bed was already cold, abandoned. I had pulled one of the chairs to the window and nestled myself in it, my knees drawn up to my chest. I stared outside, my eyes narrowing as the light got brighter. Duo was sleeping peacefully in the bed. Peacefully. It struck me like a painful insult, but I balled my fist around that feeling and I hid it as deep within me as I could, locking it away behind barriers that would dull the sharp pain to a mere distant throb.
I listened to his breathing, occasionally enhanced by a soft snore. I wouldn't be able to stand the silence. I wouldn't be able to stand the absence of his breathing, even his snoring, though that could get quite annoying if he had a bit to drink. The memory of many sleepless nights in the wake of the final war conflict still haunted me, like an ever-present threat. It was then that I learned about the feeling of missing somebody. It was the first time I ever experienced a sense of 'missing'. During the days I was incredibly annoyed by the notion. During the nights I was only distraught. A panic would overcome me. Panic that the feeling would never go away, that the braided pilot had left scars somewhere deep beneath the skin, scars that would always bleed.
The frightening thing is, I was right. The only stitch to close that wound was to seek the presence of the one you missed.
"Heero?" a tired, hoarse voice asked.
I turned my head and saw Duo touching the empty space of the mattress that I had only briefly occupied that night. With squinting eyes he scanned the room, but I knew him to be practically blind in the early morning.
"I'm here," I announced with a flat voice.
His sleepy eyes settled on me and that sad smile that he often offered me made another appearance. "Good morning. What are you doing up so early?" With slow movements he extracted himself from the sheets and got up on his feet.
It seemed redundant to point out that I had trouble sleeping, so I didn't say anything.
He came to stand behind me and placed his large hands on my shoulders, massaging them gently, but there was nothing he could do to ease away the tension in my body. "I'm sorry," he whispered genuinely in my ear and then he kissed the shell.
After hearing it so often, it meant very little to me. But as a soldier, you don't expect apologies, nor should you need them and a soldier is what I had to be, in order to survive this battle. "Room service will be here shortly with breakfast."
"It's not even six o'clock," he pointed out weakly.
"I figured you would want to get an early start. If you still wanted to make that detour to Vegas."
Duo pulled one of the other chairs across the room towards the window and sat down across from me, his bare feet propped up on the window sill. He reached back for his disheveled braid and released the elastic band and started to unbraid it in preparation of his morning shower. "If we do Vegas, we would probably have to cut some other activities from the trip. It's a pretty significant detour. Salt Lake City and Reno lie much closer to the route. What do you think?"
"I don't care."
He stared at me, caught off guard by my monotonous tone of voice. Finally, he concluded: "Let's just stick to the route then."
Of course, I thought, he doesn't want to risk being late. Even though he has always bugged me about making a trip to Las Vegas sometime.
A soft knock on the door announced the arrival of breakfast and at my lack of response, Duo jumped into action. He made friendly small talk with the hotel employee that rolled in a cart with a selection of miniature bread, spreads, yogurts and fresh fruit and casually slipped him a tip.
"Wow, look at this, this is great!" Duo exclaimed as he scrutinized the food. Food was very important to Duo, after having to steal for it or go without it for long periods of time during his tumultuous childhood spent on the streets of L2, he told me he would never let himself go hungry again or force himself to eat something he didn't like. The results were fine foods at every meal and a kitchen stocked to the brim. We also eventually converted one of the spare bedrooms to a home gym. It was the only sensible way to counterbalance Duo's sweet-teeth. The result was pleasing. Duo was a high energy kind of person who made time every day to work out. In spite of all the food and wine, he was in amazing shape. Combined with a growth spurt after the Mariemeia incident, which shot him into the air to a height of over six feet, he had a very impressive physique. Making his braid more of an ironic statement than it ever was.
I snapped my head, turning my neck away as I caught myself staring. Be the soldier, I reminded myself. The soldier never lovingly stared at Duo.
"Heero, come have some breakfast."
I got up and joined him at the cart, fixing myself a bowl of yogurt with a variety of fruit.
"Tu veux un petit croissant?"
"Your French is still horrific," I stated, retreating back to my chair by the window with my bowl of breakfast.
"Heero?"
I didn't look at him until I was comfortably settled in my seat, the bowl in my lap. He looked forlorn and confused.
"Is something wrong?" he asked with an increasing frown. "You seem... different."
"I'm fine," I lied and brought the spoon up to my lips to preoccupy my mouth.
He left his full plate on the cart and crossed the room. He kneeled down in front of me, placing his hands on my bare legs. The expression with which he looked up at me was heartfelt, but I purposefully shut myself off from it. "Is this about last night?" He softly stroked my upper leg, keeping his concerned gaze on my face. "I told you it's fine. You just need time."
Feelings started to boil and fumes started to cloud my judgment, but I wouldn't let it influence my actions. What I wanted to do was get up and back away from him, pushing the chair out of my way to be able to create distance and I wanted to scream at him. Instead, I remained seated, and I said with my most dry, soldier-like voice: "The last time I just needed time, you went looking for it elsewhere. And you found it with Hilde."
His face became pale and sickly. The cold harshness of my words didn't leave him unaffected. What was truly sickening about it was that my words were the truth. We had had many arguments in which he tried to explain to me that there were many different factors involved, many details left out. I knew that, but it didn't make it less of a truth, it also didn't make my heart ache any less. Quite the opposite, in fact.
He, apparently, didn't want to get into that same argument again. He took a deep breath, released it slowly and then rose to his feet. "I'm going to take a shower," he announced. He walked past the cart, without ever having had his breakfast and disappeared into the bathroom.
I ran my hand over my leg, where his hand had been resting, trying to wipe away the warm yet tingling feeling his touch had left behind. I barely managed to eat half of the yogurt. The act of the soldier was easier to exercise than the heart of the soldier. I realized I had a long way to go back, back to that state where nothing could hurt. After all, it had been a long and hard way in the opposite direction. And this time, I couldn't count on Duo's help, guiding me through the process.
When he got out of the bathroom I took my turn to shower and got dressed with my hair still damp. I was impatient to get out of the ridiculously romantic hotel that gave me a knotted feeling in my gut. I roughly brushed my hair, wincing occasionally when I would pull out a hair or two in my aggression.
"Brush it, don't attack it," Duo would say to me and then duck as I threw the brush at him. From his hiding place, behind the bed, I would hear his rumbling laughter. That was a very long time ago.
I stuffed my belongings back in my bag as Duo also got ready to leave.
Before we left he got a banana from the cart to silence his growling stomach.
He checked us out, being his friendly self to the girl at the reception desk, even succeeding in making her laugh and blush. When he noticed I was looking, he must have felt incredibly guilty, because he finished checking out without so much as looking directly at her again. The only expression she had on her face from that point on was a disappointed and confused frown.
As we made our way through the parking lot, he tried to explain: "I wasn't flirting with her. I was just being nice."
"I don't care," I retorted, sternly focusing my gaze up ahead.
We were back in the car, back on the road. Duo drove us back to the main road. He was silent, his arms stiff and his knuckles white as he had a death grip on the steering wheel.
I listened to the song on the radio. Something up-beat and Latin. It was ridiculously unbefitting of the atmosphere between us.
I frowned and looked at him through my dark sunglasses when the car came to a full stop at a crossroads. I didn't understand why he would stop the car; the only traffic was a harmless tumbleweed blowing across the cracked tarmac.
He took of his sunglasses and looked at me with serious eyes. He seemed to need a moment to gather his thoughts and maintain his composure. Then he asked me: "Which way do we go?"
I frowned and looked back at the crossroads. His question seemed unnecessary, we obviously had to go left, because we came from the right last night and straight ahead would take us far south. "Left," I finally said, with a pronounced "duh"-tone to it as he kept looking at me expectantly.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Duo, I'm pretty sure that if we want to go east, we need to turn left here," I replied dryly.
"But do we want to go east?" he asked cryptically.
"Well, Washington is to the east."
He sighed and shook his head, his bangs dancing across his face. "I'm asking you where we want to go, Heero," he emphasized 'want'. "Or more directly, where you want to go, because I don't want to go anywhere you don't want to go. So tell me, do you really want to go east? Do you really agree with going east?" He paused and looked at me poignantly. "Or do you want to go west and go back home? Whatever you want, I will do. Hell, if you wanna go south and drive all the way down to Mexico, then let's do that."
I wiped my suddenly sweaty palms on my denim clad thighs. I looked away, not even trusting my sunglasses to hide my emotions. "I don't care," I tried disinterestedly.
"Bullshit."
Of course it was, but what did he expect from me? A little less than six months ago, after the initial shock and anger had waned to a level that I could physically stand without feeling lightheaded and nauseous, he had given me a similar choice. Then, too, I gave him the answer that did not feel right, but was, for a fact, right. As he himself recognized, he had a responsibility now, to Hilde and to his - their - unborn child. But to me, far more important than allowing him to live up to that responsibility, was not to take away from him the joy of having a child. I didn't want him to suffer that sense of 'missing' that I knew he would experience, that we had both experienced before. That feeling that we both knew all too well. I didn't wish that on anybody. How would I be able to face my own reflection if I denied him the opportunity to be a father?
I had given the issue plenty of thought. It had been haunting me for six months, I had been second guessing myself every step of the way, but in the end, the decision I made was always the right one, even if it made me feel ill.
I longingly looked to the right, knowing home was far beyond the horizon in that direction. The safety of my own house, the comfort of my own bed, the smell of the wild flowers in the back yard. I knew everything would lose its joy if I made us turn back now. Because home meant nothing if Duo would end up resenting me. And he would. I would actually be disappointed if he didn't, because that would mean he wasn't the person I thought he was.
With a deep breath I faced him. In his eyes I recognized a turmoil similar to my own. "We go left. We go east," I concluded definitively.
A car had come to a stop behind our own and the driver honked impatiently, startling us both.
Duo turned back in his seat and waved for the man to go around us, shouting: "Give us a fucking minute!"
Eventually the man drove his car around us, gesturing wildly and angrily. Then he turned the car and drove west.
I secretly wished I could hitch a ride with the asshole. I tensed momentarily when I felt Duo's warm hand on the back of my neck, the tips of his fingers over a racing pulse. I forced myself to relax. I forced my heart rate to slow down. I either had to be the soldier, or get out of the car, throw up on the shoulder and then walk back home. Considering the soldier was the only option that would keep me with Duo, at least for the time being, it was a quick, but nevertheless, hard decision to make.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Duo released a deep breath and then leaned in to kiss me.
I twisted my head away from him, biting on my lower lip that threatened to quiver.
I felt his breath on my neck as he sighed and then he briefly leaned his forehead on my shoulder and then placed a kiss there, through the cotton fabric of my shirt.
It hurt more than my teeth digging into my lip.
The car rolled back into motion and Duo steered it towards the east.
As the option to go west became more and more distant, I couldn't help but remember a decision I had made a very long time ago and note how similar it was to this one. Back then I had also made the decision based on what I believed to be best for Duo as an individual, but not necessarily for us as a couple and certainly not for me.
I didn't think it at that time, but it turned out to be a misinformed mistake. That explained why my stomach felt so upset as we drove on and on, due east. The landscape didn't offer any substantial distraction and so, inevitably, my thoughts starter to wander. The sights of memory lane flashed by in reverse, rewinding through both joyous and heartbreaking moments.
The images stalled and like a clear dream, I saw myself in a blue paper gown in a hospital bed. The memory is (was) from AC197, mere days after the collapse of Mariemeia's brief regime. Even though there is a history that preceded that moment, I always considered my hospitalization in 196 and the beginning of 197 as the start. The start of my life, not necessarily with Duo, but also without him. I consider it the beginning of my life, the way most people would feel about their date of birth. It took me over sixteen years to be born. It wasn't before that moment that I realized I was a person and that my heart wasn't just a muscle at the center of a complex cardiovascular system, but something that transcends the flesh; the measurable. I realized for the first time that it could feel... and that it could break.
Early AC 197
I started to become aware of my surroundings. First, the sounds managed to filter through my clouded brain. Everything seemed abnormally slow and dull, the sounds were hollow and distant, but they broke into my dreamless sleep, disrupting it gracelessly. I recognized that someone was talking, though for the life of me I understood not a single word, even though it slowly started to register as French, a language I had mastered at a young age. I was annoyed at my failure. The forming frown was the first sign that my body still functioned and still belonged to me. After a few twitches of the muscles surrounding my eyes, I managed to crack them open slightly. My vision, I discovered, was blurred, but I noticed a lot of white, offset only by an infrequent object in a pastel shade and a hideous, bland piece of modern artwork on the wall straight ahead. The scents hit me like smelling salts. I was in a hospital.
I opened) my eyes fully and blinked) repeatedly until my vision cleared. The French becomes (became) understandable, but the sources seemed to distance themselves from me with the squeak of sneakers on linoleum floors. In the absence of their voices, other sounds started to appear. A siren, very far away. A mechanic humming. An obtrusive beeping that matched the rhythm of my heart rate. And breathing that was not my own.
I felt weak and frozen, like the cartilage of my skeleton had solidified like cement and had immobilized all my joints, even my spine. I couldn't turn my head to locate the source of the breathing to my left, so I just searched the room with my eyes.
By my bedside was a shape of black. My eyes focused and I noted the long, black clad legs extended out as the figure sat slouched in the chair; the black shirt under a black sweater, covering the chest that slowly heaved; the braid draped over one shoulder and the honest eyes that peered absentmindedly at a magazine in his lap.
Duo.
The beeping sped up. I forced my heart to slow down, but too late to have the spike go unnoticed.
His eyes shifted to me and then there was the sound of paper hitting the floor as he dropped the magazine whilst straightening up in his chair. Out of sight, his warm hand found my cold one on top of the sheets. He released my hand quickly though, as if he realized that maybe he shouldn't have touched me to begin with. "Hey there, soldier boy."
Not anymore, I thought to myself, the memories of the events of the war conflict flooding me.
"How do you feel?"
I scraped my throat, it was incredibly dry. My voice was soft and small as I only managed to whisper: "I don't know, what does my chart say?"
"Well, if your chart is any reliable indication, you should feel pretty fucked up." He reached for the nightstand and brought a pink cup of water with a long straw in my line of sight. "Drink this."
I glared at him to show my dismay, but accepted the cup regardless, wrapping my lips around the end of the straw and greedily drinking the water until my sore throat stopped aching. It was delicious; cool and soothing. "How long have I been out?" I slowly started rolling my neck, easing away the stiffness.
"Almost two weeks. You sustained a lot of internal injuries. You've been in and out of surgery a couple of times; they figured it was best to just keep you asleep." His voice sounded very concerned and very tired.
"What's the score?" I asked him.
"The broken bone count is relatively minor, all things considered, just a crushed ribcage. But they had to fix an aortic rupture, take out your spleen, reset your hip and do a liver transplant. That was the last surgery they did, they had to wait for the lab to finish growing the liver."
I frowned. "Why would they give a liver to someone who doesn't even officially exist?"
A sad smile formed on his lips. "You have the queen of the world to thank for that party trick. She made sure that the next blood type neutral liver would go to you." He leaned in closer and added in a whisper, close to my ear: "Don't think for even one second that you didn't deserve it."
That was curious, I thought, fighting a frown that threatened to appear. With his words he had made it seem like he knew exactly what I had been thinking, yet he couldn't possibly, I hadn't voiced those thoughts. Had I?
"I got you some clothes, figured you might want to change out of that ridiculous gown. Though, if anyone could rock hospital couture, it's you. God knows you owned those spandex shorts." He winked at me and then reached down and pulled a duffel bag into his lap, taking out several items of clothing and placing them on the bed beside me.
I felt the soft fabric against my lower arm. I moved my tired fingers; they trembled as I strained them. I lightly stroked the soft wool of what I guessed to be a sweater. "I'm too tired," I admitted.
"Oh." He picked up the sweater - indeed a sweater - and looked at me with questioning, cautious eyes. "I could help you if you want."
I hesitated. Even though Duo was likely the only person in the world whose fingers against my skin didn't give me the nails-on-a-chalkboard feeling - his actually made me feel warm and at ease in my own skin- I wasn't too keen on having to rely on him, having him take care of me, take control of me, while I was so weak and so helpless. But the gown really wasn't comfortable and it would be good for my aching muscles and joints to move and flex, so after some consideration, I agreed with a curt nod.
Duo got up and walked over to the door to close it. Then he returned to me and removed the sheets and helped me sit up gently.
My right hip sent jolts of pain up and down my leg and spine. As Duo said, they had to set it. I must have dislocated it when Wing plummeted to the earth after sustaining catastrophic damage. I hadn't expected the damage to my body to be similar in severity; I didn't remember being in much pain when I crawled out of the wreckage and went to confront Mariemeia in my final efforts as the Perfect Soldier.
Quietly, Duo took off the gown, leaving me completely naked. He reached for the pile of clothing and started ripping off price tags. He carefully helped me put on the pair of boxers he had gotten me, encouraging me to wrap my arm around his shoulders, so he could lift my hips off the mattress. It hurt enough to make me hiss. Duo apologized, even though it obviously wasn't his fault, he was being appropriately tender. Next he put a large pair of sweatpants on me, fastening the elastic band more tightly around my waist to keep the pants from sagging.
"I just thought it would be easier this way," he explained his choice for the wide clothing.
"It's a good idea."
He chuckled. "Would be a bitch trying to get those skintight shorts on you in this condition."
"Yeah." My voice came muffled through the sweater as he helped me pull it over my head.
"There you go." He supported my back as I leaned back down in the pillows, to avoid me putting too much stress on my hips.
I reached out and finished pulling the sheets over me, anything to make me feel less useless. I was mesmerized momentarily by the sight of his face when he smiled warmly at me. To distract myself, I asked him: "Where are the others?"
"They're all fine, not hospitalized, if that's what you mean." He sat back down and propped his feet up on the edge of the bed. "Quatre and Trowa stayed a while, but they had to leave to avoid drawing too much attention to us as a group. They're on L4. WuFei said you wouldn't want him hovering over you, no idea what that was about, so he left pretty quickly. I managed to persuade Relena to leave last night. I mean, she had the best intentions and all and she really helped me, but by God did the girl bug the shit out of me." He flashed me a grin.
"Why are you still here?"
His eyes darkened and he sighed deeply. "You really don't know? Where else would I be, Heero, you're my friend."
So he kept telling me.
The year between the war and the Mariemeia conflict, we lived together. I didn't have anywhere to go and Duo approached me with the offer to share an apartment on L2, one he couldn't pay by himself. If I dared to think so - sometimes I did - I believed he asked me to live with him because he wanted me to, not because he needed me to. I didn't fool myself into thinking that that meant anything, he had probably just gotten as used to my presence as I had gotten to his. I figured I had become part of the furniture to him and without me, the apartment would just have an empty space that he would need to fill with something else that is not good company, hard to talk to and can't cook.
We worked odd jobs. Duo mostly focused on mechanical professions, and he hopped from garage to garage. He had once said something, on a quiet night, about preferring his hands to be dirty with grease as opposed to... I didn't know, he didn't finish the sentence. I think he meant to say blood, but that is how I would have ended that sentence and during that year I had quickly realized just how different Duo and I were. I couldn't reliably finish his sentences.
I mostly just got fired a lot. All jobs relied on a certain degree of inter-person interaction and I kept failing miserably at it. When waiting at a local diner - not my proudest moment - I accidentally spilled a pot of hot coffee on a customer because he touched my arm. To ask me for a refill, ironically. And when I worked at one of the garages alongside Duo, I got us both fired when I reacted and instinctively hit one of the other mechanics with a wrench when he playfully smacked my behind.
Then too, Duo would always remind me that he was my friend. No matter what.
I hadn't liked being called back to battle, but paradoxically, I was relieved when the phone rang. It was an acceptable excuse for my slow recovery. Like the universe was telling me and everyone else that I had been right to keep up my defenses and remain on high alert. But there were no viable excuses. I was running, hiding. In the face of peace I was a coward, a pathetic reflection of the war hero everyone idolized me to be.
In my first attempt at peace-time bravery, I looked Duo in the eyes and told him: "Thank you for being my friend."
His smile was beaming.
I had wanted to say that I was his friend as well, but I feared I would be fooling myself and sullying the title. I had always been cold and aloof to him, strangely he had never seemed to mind; it had never deterred him. It dawned on me that he deserved a kindness I could not give him. It confused me that he was so willing to give, fully aware that he was not going to get anything in return.
Over the course of several days, he kept me company. We hardly exchanged words, but he refused to leave, determined, it seemed, to become part of the hospital furniture. Day after day he sat in the uncomfortable chair pulled up to my bedside, reading a newspaper, a magazine and eventually a book one of the nurses had given him. He was very popular with the female staff, long before the book they gave hi, special privileges to stay with me outside of visiting hours and the extra bed in our private hospital room for him to sleep.
Sleeping is what I did mostly, so I had myself convinced that his presence was utterly unnecessary. Yet I could not deny that it felt nice to open my eyes occasionally and see him sitting there, completely content by my side. I always watched him for as long as I could, until my eyelids would once again become too heavy to keep open. He didn't seem to mind, he didn't even seem to notice. I watched his calm eyes as they studied the pages of the book, the way his braid draped over his shoulder and cascaded down his chest, the relaxed way with which his finger supported the book and the casual way in which he often had his legs crossed, the ankle of one leg resting on the knee of the other.
Then I noticed he wasn't turning pages very often. His gaze appeared focused on the paper, but it was clear to me that he was not actually reading when seconds became minutes and he had yet to flip to the next page. He was an exceptionally fast reader, so it was odd to me. Finally, I just decided to ask him, venturing carefully: "Is it a difficult book?"
He looked up at me with a long, questioning "hm?".
"Is it a difficult book?" I asked again.
He looked back down at the pages, a slight frown between his brows, maybe even a pout on his lips. "Not at all, why?"
"You haven't turned a page in three minutes and approximately forty seconds."
He smiled brightly, even though my comment had not been funny. It was very confusing.
"What?" I questioned defensively when he started to chuckle and shake his head.
"Leave it up to the Perfect Soldier to count how long it takes for me to turn a page."
"You are deflecting," I accused as I didn't miss the fact that he tried to dance around my question. I was trained by J to notice these things; of course the Perfect Soldier also had to be an adequate interrogator.
"I'm not, I was just amused," he said genuinely, but he was an excellent liar - I knew that even though he had not once lied to me during the year we lived together, as far as I could tell, of course. "Stop using interrogation-101 on me," he winked at me playfully and then finally answered: "I was thinking."
I nodded and assumed: "About peace." I had been making an effort myself, but so far the subject only caused me great confusion and uncertainty.
"Actually, no, I was thinking about the war."
That surprised me. After all, the war was now, officially, in the past, barring any other sudden outbreaks of military conflict. I could not claim that the war was easy to forget about, but it seemed more sensible to me to actively avoid thinking about it, those memories could only taint the peace that we had now achieved. In addition, Duo had not mentioned the war once during the entire year we lived in that cramped apartment on Earth. It seemed counterproductive to start giving it excessive thought now.
My curiosity could not be denied, so I gave in to the question my lips longed to ask: "Why?"
Now Duo evidently was the one to be surprised. "Mister Yuy, are you trying to engage in conversation?" He mocked.
I glared at him, even though it was futile. Somewhere along the way, he had become immune to it and oftentimes he would just smile at me in response.
He decided to drop the banter anyway and answer my question. "Being called back to battle just reawakened a lot of memories. It's hard not to think back to the war when we were nearly neck deep in another one." He sighed and looked away for some reason as he continued: "I have sort of been trying to pretend the war never happened. Like that would make it easier. Like that would make everything alright. But this thing with Mariemea made me realize that the war was not just a bad period in my life, it is a part of me and I realized there is some good in that part too. I was in my element, I felt useful, necessary even, I haven't felt that before... or since..." He looked at me apologetically, but I didn't understand why. "And I met a lot of great people. The other guys, Sally, Noin, you," he mustered a smile for me but it turned sad when he added: "Hilde..."
For a moment the name didn't mean anything to me, but then I remembered the OZ soldier who had risked her life to bring us valuable data. I wasn't easily impressed by other people, but I understood why Duo would consider her 'great'. She had been very brave and the information she brought us was elemental. Still, when I looked at him, I didn't get the feeling like he was thinking any of the same things I was and I had to consider that he maybe he had an alternative definition for 'great people', though I couldn't fathom what that would be, the only thing the people he named had in common were our contributions to the war. Right?
"I've been thinking a lot about Hilde lately," he admitted, his tone was guilty.
I frowned at the sudden resentment I felt. It was jealousy. Something I didn't often experience, only when Duo turned out to be better at something than I was. Why would I be jealous now?
"I meant to tell you," he started anew after so much silence had passed I had thought the conversation had ended, "she called a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue. Quatre had given her our number, the little meddler." He chuckled sheepishly. He looked at me and gauged my reaction, but of course my expression didn't betray anything.
I just stared back at him stoically, I didn't want him to know I felt jealousy; it was such a petty and useless emotion.
He looked troubled and he let out a long sigh. "That phone call must have cost her a fortune, we talked for hours."
I felt uncomfortable at the mere thought of prolonged conversation. What on earth could people have to say to each other to justify such a lengthy exchange of words?
"I told her about what I had been doing for the past year and she told me about her life," a smile appeared, a happy one, but he bit his lips and forced it away. "Her uncle owns a scrap yard on L2, she practically runs it."
To me it sounded terribly uninteresting but Duo spoke wistfully, as if he was talking about a pleasant dream.
"That battle from a couple of days ago, made me realize I miss her. I really like her." he confessed. "I had actually hoped I would see her. I don't know why I thought she would come..." He chuckled bitterly.
"She came last time," I pointed out.
A smile broke his morose expression. "She did." He suddenly looked at me with a deep frown, his hands clasped together, as if he was nervous. "She invited me to come." It more or less burst out of him and his face showed more surprise than mine at his words. "She offered me a job at the scrap yard and she has a spare bedroom that I could take."
"You barely know her." The words escaped me, I didn't mean to say them; it wasn't my place to say anything.
Duo seemed offended by my remark, agitated, he spat back: "I barely knew you." Then he bit his lip hard, but the unspoken words hung heavily in the air and were so obvious he might as well have screamed them in my ear: I still barely know you.
I felt small. I couldn't explain it, I just felt like I was shrinking in the bed, my whole being shriveling away to something pathetic. There was more jealousy as it started to become clear to me that he wasn't seeking advice, he was trying to tell me something. I had to ask, because I had to be sure. "Why are you telling me all this?"
He sighed. "A few days before the battle started I called her... and I told her I would love to come live with her and work at the scrap yard. I had tried to tell you, but then we got wind of Mariemeia's actions..."
"You could have just told me."
"With the things that unfolded, I didn't want you to be distracted."
"What makes you think this would distract me?" I snapped back at him defensively.
He glared at me for a moment, I had taught him well by example; it was quite unnerving. Then he cast his gaze to the floor tiles, frustrated. "I honestly don't know," he whispered in return, not specifically to me.
Under the sheets I balled my hands into tight, white-knuckled fists. "You should go to her then," I said. "You've made your decision."
He looked back up at me with heartfelt eyes. His hands moved, reached up, maybe reaching out to me, but he stopped himself and laid them back in his lap. "It wasn't an easy decision."
I hated that I didn't believe him. My jaw was clenched and my balled fists started to tremble. I was upset, I recognized, but the reason eluded me. I had expected this to happen, this day I knew to be a matter of "when", not "if". I never thought we would forever continue living together the way we had for that year. I could tell it wasn't satisfying Duo. I wasn't satisfying Duo. He had expected me to change, to grow, my lack thereof must have been frustrating to him. He had always been restless, searching, making a ton of meaningless friends. How could it affect me to this extent if I knew it was coming? Had I not been preparing myself for this? Did I not have enough experience with people abandoning me yet to brush this off?
"Heero," the chair dragged across the floor as he scooted closer to the bedside", "this doesn't have to be a goodbye. You could come with me to L2, get your own apartment."
"No," I said decisively. "It's fine. It's good for us to be on our own," I lied. I didn't want to travel to L2 with him, I didn't want to burden him any further. It was better like this, he would be free of me; he would be somewhere where my poison couldn't get to him.
He seemed very sad. "What are you going to do? Where will you go?"
I shrugged. I hadn't given it much thought, the future had never seemed very important to me. I had never expected to have much of a future. It was almost a disappointment that I had been wrong in that regard. With a heavy feeling in my chest I realized that though I never expected us to continue living together the way we had, a childish, naive part of me had hoped as much. It was very frustrating and I was disappointed in myself, disappointed that I had nourished that destructive hope.
"Look, I'm not going to leave right away. I will stay until you are better." He placed a warm hand on my shoulder that made all my muscles relax. "Hilde and the scrap yard can wait a little longer."
"No." I looked him sternly in the eyes. "You should go now. She has waited long enough."
He chuckled, trying to brush it off. "What makes you qualified to give that sort of advice? Even with Relena chasing you all over the world I still had to break the news to you that she was into you."
"And now you are crossing the world to be with Hilde, just like she crossed the world to bring you that information. Using your logic, it seems to me that you really like each other."
He smiled. "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"
I felt his fingers touching a lock of my hair right by my ear, gently pulling it through and playing with it. It was strangely and inexplicably relaxing. I told him to stop. I would be without him from now on; it would take some getting used to, a process that I shouldn't delay. His calming, lighthearted presence, I realized, had become quite addictive.
"Sorry." Ashamed, he pulled back his hand, misinterpreting why I wanted him to stop.
"Go," I ordered.
"No, not before you are better."
"Now!" I insisted. There was a spike on the heart monitor. I gave him the final push he needed: "I want you to leave me alone," I said coldly.
He sighed, but was already getting to his feet. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" his voice was broken, as was his posture, it was slumped and submissive. He was leaving, I could tell he was, I had convinced him to go. I resented him for being convinced so easily, even though that was very immature of me; even though I understood no one required much convincing to cut me out of their lives.
"I can take care of myself. I don't need you to look out for me," I bit back.
"Okay... Just... promise me you won't drop off the grid. Promise me we'll stay in touch."
"Fine." I had no intention to keep this promise. It's best this way, I reminded myself.
He nodded. He was about to walk away, leave me behind, but two steps into his departure he hesitated and he walked back to me.
I gave him my best glare until he leaned in and hugged me. Hidden in the juncture between his neck and shoulder was my uncontrollably shocked expression. He had never hugged me before. No one had ever hugged me before.
I didn't return the hug, I was too unsure and too stubborn, but it felt wonderful. His cheek against my ear, his nose buried in my hair, his arms tightly around me, his fingers pressing through the fabric of the sweater, his upper chest flush against mine that I could feel heaving with his every breath.
In my ear he breathed: "I want you to know that even though it wasn't meant to be, it couldn't work out, I always thought of you as more than a friend."
I didn't know what that meant, but I hid my confusion as he pulled back and his face came into view. I spotted a sad, troubled smile. It was uncomfortable to have his face so close to mine, I feared that maybe being this close allowed him to see through my mask, deep into my eyes, deep into the truth of me. I wasn't really sure what exactly was in there to be seen, if anything at all, but it felt terribly exposing.
Then he leaned in again.
I thought he was going to hug me again, only this time he didn't turn his head to the side. His face just came closer and closer to mine and when I felt his nose against mine realization struck me like thunder. He was going to kiss me.
'More than a friend', I remembered as he closed the final distance, tilting his head slightly.
His lips pressed against mine. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, or if I was even allowed to do anything, so I just held still. I noticed his eyes were closed and figured maybe I should have closed mine as well, so I did and then all there was was the feeling of his soft lips pressed against mine.
A shiver went through me but paradoxically my skin, especially my face, felt hot. The beeps of the heart monitor came faster and faster.
It couldn't have lasted more than three seconds. Then he pulled away and opened his eyes.
I had managed to compose myself just in time, so he wouldn't notice. But there was no denying the pain I felt in my chest, or the confusion that made my head dizzy.
He didn't say anything, he just offered me another sad smile and then he took his jacket off the back of the chair he had occupied all this time and he walked away.
A little while later, I couldn't even hear his footsteps anymore. He was gone.
And I suspected he took something of mine with him.
AC 206
The wind tugged at my hair as Duo accelerated the car. We were getting looks from fellow travelers, in their modern cars, as they sped by us. Their expressions consisted mostly of frowns at the dated vehicle. I was too distracted by my own thoughts to pay them any heed. I remembered, painfully well, what it felt like to have him leave. I didn't know it at the time, but I would be dealing with a broken heart for a long time to come, trying desperately to fix it, but being misguided as to how to do that.
I considered my hospitalization in AC 196 and AC197 the start of my life; my birth.
I was born in a very dark place.
Beta: CaramelAriana. *bow*