CircleKV12: Haha, thanks. Glad you found it amusing :P As the story progresses increasingly more will be revealed about Nicky and Hendrik. I hope you will continue to read to find out IF it ends well :P Thank you for reviewing again, happy holidays :)

Pikeebo: Thank you for reviewing. I hope you are enjoying the story. I must warn you, if you are looking forward to Quatre, Trowa and WuFei being a part in this, you will be disappointed. In the near future Quatre will play only a minor part. Later on (much later on) they may make an appearance. More like cameo's than credited roles :S I hope you will still like this update though! Merry Christmas and happy new year :)

Libby24: Oh wow, thank you! That is so wonderful to hear! Especially since I was worried this story would not be well-received :S I would only be so lucky to have 5.000 reviews, maybe then insecurity wouldn't keep sneaking back in whenever I update. As it stands this particular story doesn't even have as many as 5.000 hits! :P But thank you for saying that :) I really hope you will enjoy this update! I wish you the best end to 2012 and the best beginning to 2013 :)

Guest: Thank you :) Merry Christmas and happy New Year.

Frayedsoul: You'll find out later on and see if it matches your suspicion :P The storyline between Heero and Hendrik will also be explored further in the next few flashbacks. I hope you enjoy where this story is going :) Thank you for so much for reviewing and happy holidays :)

Darkeyed1: Thank you so much! It does appear that Duo doesn't have many people rallying to his side. The dislike for him is worse than I had anticipated. Personally I feel that, however horrible, cheating is forgivable, given the right relationship. I hope you will continue to read this story and enjoy it and I look forward to hearing from you again if you feel like sharing your thoughts regarding future chapters :) Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2013.

Icse: Thank you, I'm very glad to hear that. It appears though that your review was cut short, it seems like it ended abruptly while you were going to say something as it ends with: "As a plot twist". If you did mean to add something I am curious what you were going to say :) In any case, I hope you will enjoy this update and thank you for reviewing :) Happy holidays :)

Chibichocopaws: I completely understand and agree :) I hope though that eventually you'll lean towards Love :P As I think I said in my email, I think that (depending on the relationship) cheating is a mistake that can be forgiven. Many readers don't seem to agree :P Thank you so much for your interest in my stories and for your kind reviews. As promised, I should warn you about the content of this chapter. What happened is indirectly discussed near the end of the chapter (more like referred to). I hope you will have a great Christmas and New Year's celebration :)

VegaLume-San: Wow, that is very flattering that you would read it again. I hope you will enjoy this new update and thank you so much taking to review :) Unfortunately I feel obliged to warn you that this will be a relatively short story for me. I don't pretend to know how many more chapters there are to come (as I so epically failed at such predictions with Warheads), but it is definitely not going to be a 20-chap+ story, probably quite a bit less than that even. Sorry :S I hope my currently active stories and my future stories will still give you something to look forward to though :S Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy 2013 :)

Author's note

Good thing the world didn't end! :P

I was determined to finish a chapter before the holidays because I wanted to wish all my readers a warm and wonderful Christmas, a spectacular and safe New Year's Eve and a happy and healthy 2013!

Thank you for reading my story/stories. I feel very blessed and grateful to be able to share my work with you and to have readers from all over the world and receive your feedback. I hope that as one year comes to an end and another one begins, you will continue to read and enjoy my stories. But in any case, thank you for all your support, enthusiasm and kind words this past year!

Best holiday wishes,

ExecutiveShrimp

PS: I apologize for this not being the most suitable (merry) story to update a few days before Christmas :P

Beta: Zethsaire. Thank you for your quick help with this chapter! Happy Holidays :)

Loneliest Road

Chapter 6

- Roads cross distances; roads cross canyons; roads cross rivers. The only insurmountable distance exists between people, if they let it. -

AC 206

"Good morning," Duo chirps as he re-enters the motel room where we had spent the night.

I cast a glance over my shoulder and returned his greeting unenthusiastically. Then I asked him: "Where did you go? You weren't here when I woke up."

It seemed it was only then Duo recognized his mistake. "I'm sorry," he apologized genuinely. "I thought I should score us some breakfast. This motel only has a vending machine." He proudly held up a plastic bag and a cardboard tray with two to-go cups of coffee. "Found a gas station a few miles out though." He set it down on the small desk in the corner of the room and started unpacking prepackaged sandwiches. "I got turkey, chicken, tomato and mozzarella and... another chicken. Oh and that yogurt drink that you like with the lime."

His victorious and upbeat demeanor was endearing. I found it to be infectious even. I got up after tying my shoes and joined him at the 'buffet'. We both chose a sandwich and ripped off the plastic cover, digging into our pre-made breakfast and washing it down with strong, scalding hot coffee.

"You should have seen the looks I got at the pump. Everyone was checking out my ride," he winked playfully.

"It is quite an unusual sight," I retorted matter-of-factly, carefully sipping my coffee.

"I bet they were all jealous."

"I bet they all pitied you," I teased with a little grin.

Duo smiled at me. "You seem to be in a better mood," he cautiously noted.

I shrugged. Sometimes it was just easier to forget than other times. I couldn't really explain it. But I knew it wouldn't be long until I would once again be the scorned, raving bastard that I had become in the face of all of this. I didn't like being that person and I never thought I would become that person, but as Duo brought out the best in me, he was also capable of bringing out the worst in me. "I guess the sandwich is just that good," I joked lightheartedly.

Duo smirked and leaned in closer. "And here I thought last night was just 'that good'."

I had expected him to bring it up. I had been dreading it all night, staring up at the ceiling. I didn't know yet how I felt about it - Duo seemed to think that everything was okay now - although I did recognize it had been a big leap forward for us. I was mostly left with a detached realization that it hadn't been enough to reunite us and the daunting question of what would. Yet, on a physical level, I had to agree: "Last night was good." We both had physical needs that had been denied for a long time. It did feel as a relief to have them fulfilled, however briefly that sense of relief may last. For this reason I knew Duo was not the sole person to blame for what happened between him and Hilde and how it affected our relationship. For many years I had to work to accept the fact that I was only a human - an imperfect being. I did not yet know how much harder it was to acknowledge and accept that the love of my life is only human too, prone to mistakes. It was a lesson recently learned, one I had not yet learned to appropriately deal with.

I didn't know yet if it was last night, the sandwich, or the yogurt drink he had attentively thought to bring me, but that morning the knowledge and confrontation of imperfection seemed a little less harsh, in the warm glow of the sun.

"It was," he hid a grimace behind his paper cup of coffee, not because he was being insincere, but because given the circumstances it was inevitable to travel down a certain memory lane. "We have a long, dull day ahead of us. I figured we should be able to make it to Missouri by nightfall, if we put the pedal to the metal, but it's going to a long haul." He produced the old-fashioned road map and spread it out over the small desk. "Right now we are here."

I stared down at where his finger touched the map, just west of the intersection with the US-83. My eyes trailed the highway to the Kansas-Missouri state border. We had crossed about half the distance between San Francisco and Washington, getting further and further ahead of schedule. The map was dotted with red - things Duo had planned for us to see. We had sped by nearly all of them. I regretted the fact that I hadn't been able to hide my emotions better. A few more visits to museums or roadside oddities and I would have had Duo to myself for a few days longer. But that rational way of thinking had been forsaking me lately and there was no point to dwell on yet another mistake I've made. Or was it even a mistake? How comfortable could it be to prolong this process?

"It's all level and rural landscape, there is not going to be much to see, that is why I picked up... this!" From the plastic bag that I had thought to have been emptied out, he extracted a music USB-drive in obnoxiously colorful packaging. "I asked if they sold those old music CD's, because I wanted something classic to go with our classic ride, but no luck. However, they did have this one. 'Four hours of the best of PC disco music!'" He read aloud off the back of the drive.

I glared at it.

"Come on, it'll be fun."

"I don't even know any pre-colonial music..." I commented with a displeased frown.

"In that case hold your judgment until you've heard some. The Sweeper crew used to play this shit all the time, drove me crazy! Man, this is going to be awesome!" He walked off screeching what I presumed to be the lyrics of one of those old songs.

I shook my head at his antics and finished my breakfast, then we both set to packing our bags and rolling up our sleeping bags to continue our journey.

After four hours of music accompanied by the intentionally off-key vocals of Duo, the drive became eerily silent. Although the music had not been my taste, I did welcome the distraction and with Duo clearly enjoying himself, I had felt more at ease. For four hours at the very least I didn't have to worry about what he might be thinking. That privilege had sadly run out.

Duo fumbled with the radio, trying to a find a station to his liking.

I watched the landscape. The tarmac cut through endless patches of wheat and grassy paddocks, dotted with lazy cows. Duo had gotten all excited when he had spotted an actual cowboy, crossing through the grassland on horseback, chasing a black cow that had separated itself from the rest of the herd as it was corralled to the gate. All I could think was that the cows were likely being led to slaughter.

We had finished the other sandwiches Duo had brought that morning but at two o'clock he decided he wanted a real lunch and promptly turned the old car into the parking lot of diner, adjoined to the gas station, right by the highway. I went ahead to find us a booth while Duo maneuvered the car through the gas station to get the tank filled up, just in case the next station was another long way ahead.

A bell above the door chimed as I entered. Busy as the single present waitress was, she greeted me as she passed me by with a pot of steaming coffee to serve two gentlemen in Stetsons at a table by the door. Conveniently the booth in the corner just vacated, the patrons walking past me. I claimed their seats and organized the cups and dishes to make the waitress' job a little easier.

"Hey there, doll," she said jovially as she gathered the dishes on her tray.

At the nickname a shiver ran down my spine. A distant memory overcame me. A deep, gravelly voice growled the word in my ear in a demanding way. It was so real - I could even feel his breath - I almost looked over, expecting him to be there.

"Are you here all by yourself, sweety?"

"No," I simply answered.

"Can I get you something to drink while you wait and look over the menu?"

"Two black coffees please."

She smiled. "Coming right up, doll."

I nodded and watched her leave. As my eyes followed her they spotted Duo coming in. I waved him over.

"Best seats in the house," Duo commented as he slid into the seat across from me. He reached for the menu propped up against the wall. "Have you already decided?"

"I'm not hungry." I had been a moment ago, but I knew better than most how quickly things could change.

"You sure?"

"Yeah..."

He looked at me with a slight, pensive frown. He might have been about to say something when the waitress returned.

"Hi there! Wow, what mighty fine hair you have! Two black coffee." She placed the cups in front of us. "Have you two dolls made up your mind?"

"Yes," Duo was quick to answer with his ever polite smile. "We would both like the burger with the side of French fries."

"Good choice! We make a hell of a burger here! It's a little busy though, I hope you dolls don't mind."

"Not at all. I guess we would like a coke with that order though."

"Sure thing!" She scribbled down our orders and then spun on her heels and trotted off.

He chuckled at her. "She's nice."

"I told you I wasn't hungry."

"I know you did. I'm also pretty sure I know why you've lost your appetite and I know it's not worth it." with a softer voice he added: "Just try to eat something. Maybe if you take a bite or two you'll get your appetite back."

I ignored him and took a sip of coffee.

He sighed and leaned back. After a long, thoughtful pause, he said: "I'm guessing last night wasn't as amazing as you let me think this morning."

I cupped the warm mug in my hands, staring down into the black liquid. "It felt really good," I started, looking up at him with honest eyes. "But one night of intimacy cannot bridge the distance that is between us."

"At least tell me it means there is progress," he pleaded, "That the bridge is under construction?"

"I like to think it is," I replied pathetically.

"But?" He correctly interpreted.

"But..." I chewed on my lower lip. "But we can't deny that the steady presence of Hilde and this baby is eroding the pillars. I'm afraid that if we do get to complete this bridge and we come together, it's just going to collapse under our feet."

Duo reached out his hands and wrapped them around my own. His expression was one of heartfelt pain. "What are you afraid of? Is it just the fact that I'm having a baby with her, or is there more that you fear?"

I sighed and looked away. My eyes searched for the waitress, I desperately wanted her to interrupt our conversation.

"Are you afraid I'm in love with Hilde? That I am going to leave you for her?"

"And the baby..." I softly added. I wasn't just competing with Hilde, I was competing with a child. Their child. And as awful as it sounded, it did feel like a competition. One that I feared I would lose. How do you compete with a child? His flesh, his blood.

"I don't feel anything romantic for Hilde. I chose you. I choose you," he stated firmly. "You know that."

I finally looked up at him with challenging eyes. "I also know that once you thought Hilde was the love of your life and then you left her for me." My voice was accusing. "I show up on your doorstep one day and you realize that it is me you love after all and you just decide to choose me over her. How can I ever be sure that history will not repeat itself in reverse? Especially considering the situation. How can I ever be sure that you won't suddenly realize you love her instead of me and go back to her?"

His hands retreated, he seemed scorned. He shook his head. For a moment there were no words, he just crossed his arms in front of his chest and stubbornly looked to the side. Eventually he made some sort of frustrated gesture and shot back with angry eyes: "I can't believe you are throwing this in my face. I can't believe you are using this against me, against my love for you."

I was a little taken aback. He had been angry with me since before he confessed what had happened between Hilde and him, not giving himself the right.

"Me leaving her for you should show you just how much you mean to me, not make you question it. I did love her, Heero, she was my best friend. I loved her as a friend and that confused me, made me think that maybe that was what romantic love was, so I agreed to be with her. Because with the way you were, closed off and cold, nothing was ever going to happen between us, because you never let me in! Then, after all those years - after all those years of not forgetting about you, constantly thinking of you, pondering the "what-if's" - you show up on my doorstep saying all the things I had always dreamed of you saying and then you kissed me..." He paused, in his eyes swirled a myriad of emotions he could barely contain. "I realized that what I felt for you, was what true love felt like. And for the first time it seemed like you would let me love you and you could love me back. All of a sudden the perfect "what-if" was happening. I realized I loved you so much and needed to be with you so badly, that I had no choice but to break my best friend's heart. It crushed me to do that to her, to leave her like that, but I did it because I was and still am so overwhelmingly in love with you."

He reached out again for my hands, prying them from the coffee mug so he could entwine our fingers. "I didn't all of a sudden stop loving her and start loving you. I always loved you. I always wanted to be with you and that hasn't changed," he assured me, looking deep into my eyes. "This," he vaguely gestured around himself, "is not another one of those perfect what-ifs. This was a mistake, a horrible mistake, one that we all struggle to deal with. Having a baby with Hilde, endangering my relationship with you, is not the perfect what-if. The perfect what-if would have been me never leaving you to be with Hilde in the first place, because of misinterpreted feelings. The perfect what-if would have been me not seeking comfort with Hilde that night and letting things get out of control. The perfect what-if would have been Nicky not miscarrying."

I let out a single sob but was instantly comforted by his hands gripping mine tighter, like he was steadying me; supporting me.

"I never wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with Hilde. Because I know that is not what I want. And even with this baby in the picture, I can confidently promise you that in the future I will never wonder what my life would be like if I left you to be with Hilde and the baby. All I ever wanted and ever will want is just to be with you. And I am deeply sorry for how complicated I have made that, and how hard I have made it for you to believe that."

"I'm sorry," I blurted.

"For what?" Duo asked worriedly.

"For being an asshole all this time," I admitted with an exasperated chuckle. "For making this even more difficult than it already is."

Duo squeezed my hands firmly again. His smile was kind and open, the way I remember it always being. "I don't want you to be sorry. You have every right to be angry and you have every right to give me a hard time. I want you to, because I don't want you to shut yourself off. I don't want you to internalize your anger and torture yourself with it. I understand that for me to able to earn back your trust, you need to test my resolve. As long as it means you are giving us a chance, I'm okay with you being an asshole."

"Good. Because I think I'm not through yet."

We shared a quiet, breathless laugh.

The waitress came with our late lunches. "There you go. Best burgers in Kansas."

"They sure look great!" Duo smiled at the waitress.

"Enjoy!" She walked off to serve another customer.

I stared down at the plate. I still wasn't hungry, but now because of our discussion and not the memory that the nickname had triggered. Still, I'd rather not face the wrath of my overprotective husband and attempted a few bites. Soon enough my bodily urges overrode my psychological issues and I attacked the burger. I caught Duo smiling at me and stuck my tongue out at him. The atmosphere between us became relaxed, which was both novel and familiar. It had been a long time since we last just enjoyed each other's company. The calm that settled in my body was a nice change from the tension I had been experiencing. I relaxed into the seat, stretching my legs out under the table. My right lower leg ended up against Duo's left leg. I would have changed position, but then I realized I didn't want to and instead shifted my other leg to touch his. It was a strange comfort, but a comfort nonetheless, to touch him so casually.

Duo grinned at me. "This is the best burger in Kansas."

I snorted and pointed out: "This is the first burger you've had in Kansas."

"Still, I can tell it's the best. Nothing is ever going to top this."

I chewed thoughtfully. I wasn't all that impressed, honestly. "How so?"

"Because we are having it on the bridge. For the first time coming closer together."

I didn't respond, not knowing what to say, but fearing that anything I would say would only ruin the moment, make me second guess his statement. Instead, I decided to enjoy it, whether it be true or not. For him to feel that way and to say so, felt like a victory.

We finished our burgers and our drinks and the waitress came to clear the table and give us the check.

"Did you two dolls enjoy your burgers?" She wondered kindly when she came to collect the money - including a generous tip.

"We sure did. Best in Kansas!" Duo answered.

"Thank you! Have a safe trip!"

Duo led me back to the mint green monstrosity parked just beyond the gas station. "Do you want to talk about it?" He inquired.

Knowing what he was referring to, I shook my head. I didn't want to think about Hendrik and my time with him. The day had been going so well, relatively. I didn't want bad memories to spoil it, even though I knew they eventually would. There is just no keeping something so powerful at bay.

"I don't mind listening," he told me, trying to encourage me to share.

This I knew to be a lie. He hated hearing about it. At his insistence I told him the entire story, just once, a long time ago. His fists had been clenched and his knuckles white the whole time. WuFei later informed me that afterwards Duo had tried to locate Hendrik through WuFei's Preventer connections. It had been several years ago, when our anger and our soldier instincts were still, at times, beyond our conscious control. He had intended to find him and kill him. Since WuFei had confided in me that Duo had attempted to do this, I never dared speak of Hendrik again to Duo. I wanted to protect him from that rage, from that part of himself.

"I mind talking," I replied. My tone left no room for argument.

He just nodded and got in the car.

Of course the damage had been done. Not even a reprieve of the pre-colonial disco music with its careless lyrics and up-tempo beats could sufficiently distract from darkly shaded thoughts and memories.

In many ways I owed Hendrik my gratitude, but that was too rational even for me. I didn't know if something other than my relationship with him could have awoken me from my apathetic state that had served as a lifelong safety blanket, sometimes I think maybe not.

I wondered if that was something Duo ever gave any thought. He talked about his perfect "what-if" moment. "What if Heero shows up on my doorstep one day, open and ready?". I did. I showed up on his doorstep. Did it ever occur to him that I might not have been standing there if Hendrik hadn't drove me into that direction? It was a frightening thought, that sometimes, it takes something bad to lead you to something good. That sounded so ominous and daunting. It made it seem like maybe the bad would never be through, there would always be more, as an entry fee to the promised land.

For me it posed the question: Is Duo having a baby with Hilde the bad thing that will lead to the better, to us getting closer together? Or is the bad Duo leaving me to be with Hilde and the baby and if so, what good could possibly come from that?

I blinked when I noticed the music suddenly being turned down low. I looked at Duo with an unspoken question in my eyes.

"Just checking in," he said casually. "You've been so quiet. Don't tell me you are actually paying attention to the music." He chuckled warmly.

"I've just been thinking."

"Yeah?" He replied with sarcastic surprise. "Could you put me out of my misery and share?"

"It's nothing important. Not now at least." Rather than give him ample time to present me with more worried inquiries, I offered: "I could drive for a while, you know? You look tired."

He seemed to take his time thinking it over, then he flicked on the indicator lights and steered the car onto the broad dirt shoulder of the quiet highway. He looked at me and smiled. "Thanks."

"No problem." We switched seats and I punched the gas, continuing to follow the long stretch of bland tarmac. I should have offered to switch turns earlier. Duo needed the rest and I could use the distraction.

"It drives pretty smoothly, doesn't it?"

"It's too slow," I remarked.

"Well, an old engine like this one just doesn't produce the kind of horse power that can compete with modern vehicles, but it's fast enough and the parts are holding up nicely. Unlike your predictions," he grinned.

"We aren't in Washington yet," I reminded him matter-of-factly.

"No, you're right, I shouldn't jinx it."

I found it childish and misguided to believe that we could have any semblance of control over the odds of something happening or something not happening by avoiding a "jinx". Yet I forgave Duo this naivety, because I found it remarkably uplifting and even necessary, after all these years of being with him, to be around someone who could believe in something that defied all logic. It was a sweet promise to think that someday even I could get to a place like that, whether or not it ever came true. And once – if - I would get there, I would no longer think of it as childish, I would just enjoy it.

Without realizing it, I smiled at him.

Duo seemed caught off guard by this display of cheerfulness which left him in disbelief. "Are you smiling?"

"Yes," I replied, already feeling the smile melting away, but the memory of it was warm. Another promise.

"Why?"

I shrugged, hesitant to get into the matter. "I don't want to jinx it," I said. It was not the true explanation, but the smile I received in return made it worth the leap.

I counted the miles as we travelled along the tarmac strip that snaked through the landscape. Duo was asleep beside me, his shoulder leaning against the door panel as he sat sagged in his seat, the seatbelt desperately clutching at him to keep him from slipping to the floor. His breathing was loud, but you couldn't call it a snore, it sounded more like relieved sighs, over and over again.

I missed him, I admitted to myself. It was a difficult confession to reconcile, after all, he was right there, how could I miss someone that is sitting right there, whom I could touch with a mere reach of my arm? But he wasn't Duo, not the Duo I fell in love with, not the Duo that kept me going. Burdened by guilt and regret he was a cautious, dim reflection of himself. All he could do was fake his former brightness, cheerfulness, carefreeness and positivity, but the shadow that clung to these imposters betrayed them. This Duo was reserved, frightened and ill with concern. I wasn't sure if that was his own fault – because he was the one who decided to cheat – or my fault, because I was the immense and immovable figure that blocked the sun and cast those very shadows onto him, onto us and as such onto myself. I was the one who had his back turned to the light and forced this darkness upon us incessantly. I had no way of knowing if this lingering and wallowing of mine was justified, but just or not, I truly felt I could not be moved from this spot, my feet were anchored in rock bottom. Duo had been tugging at me for months now and I was still right there, full of fear and full of resentment, as much towards Duo and towards Hilde as towards myself.

I had to wonder if maybe I was this immovable because, in my own dark and twisted way, I felt comfortable and secure, right where I was. As horrible as it was, rock bottom was solid, the foundation of my being, the only place where I could ever trust my footing to be firm. To climb means to risk falling all over again. Who knows what will be broken next time I crash?

How had I ever even survived this fall? Maybe I had never gotten as high – as far up from rock bottom – as I had believed. Maybe I had always been broken, had never been fixed and what, really, is the difference in being shattered into tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands pieces? Broken is broken.

Early AC 198

My relationship with Hendrik was a strange one.

I realized that that wasn't much of a distinguishing description, coming from me – all my relationships were of a strange kind as I, having a social mind that I had come to aptly perceive as twisted and diseased, experienced them as utterly alien and unpredictable, unnatural interactions. In my life I had felt a much more comfortable and understanding relationship with machines. Machines are mathematical and as such, for me, comprehendible, predictable and… friendly. I knew what to expect from them; certain variables had set results. This made the relationship easy.

Humans were very different. The input of similar variables yielded very different results between people.

Hendrik was most mysterious and confusing of all, I suspected intentionally so, but that, at best, intrigued me, where it should have warned me. I was eager to learn and to understand and who best to study than the subject who was most challenging? I was too arrogant to start at the novice level of socializing and test my skill on the open and honest Alex, from the diner. I figured, if I could teach myself to understand Hendrik, I would be able to understand anybody. A rational but deceptive belief, as rationality rarely applies on human behavior and even less so on human emotion.

I spent many nights at the bar scrutinizing my study subject. Eventually I managed to recognize that this amused him. In hindsight I suspected because this, to him, affirmed how good he was at the art of deception and secrecy. And he gloated in my face without my knowing.

Momentarily it seemed he had forgotten our conversation where he admitted to the desire of wanting more than friendship, as he didn't act on it for about two weeks. Unfamiliar with protocol, I didn't bring up the matter. I just waited to see what he would do or say. Unwittingly, I surrendered all control to him. He was always in charge. I just didn't notice.

When he finally proposed a date, it came as a surprise. More amusement on his behalf. I agreed neutrally. I didn't care. There was nothing in my life I enjoyed, so why not join him for one evening? There was no sacrifice involved.

So then there we were, in a small, Amsterdam restaurant with modern furnishing, well-spoken waiters and fancily dressed clientele that threw disproving glances over the edge of their champagne flutes at my jeans and simple button-up shirt as the host led us to a table in the back, where the light was dim, the ceiling low and candles flickered and created shadows within the petals of each single rose on each small table.

"Here you guy, mister Schuyler, your regular table," the host spoke in haughty Dutch.

"Thank you, Wilhelm." Hendrik was polite but seemed to be paying no attention to the man whatsoever, his eyes were on me – always on me – and they were focused and intense and seemed to be communicating some hidden meaning that was far beyond my reach of understanding.

I had long noted that the establishment seemed more expensive than a bartender at a not particularly successful or busily visited bar could afford, but made no remark. It was clearly futile, we were there, so I must have been mistaken to think it was out of his price range.

"Would you like to order drinks while you look over the menu?" The host inquired once we were seated at the table in the corner, across from each other.

"Bring us a bottle of red wine," Hendrik answered, without asking if that was okay with me.

It didn't matter, I didn't care.

"Certainly sir, any wine in particular that you desired to enjoy this evening?"

"Just bring us something old and expensive. This is a special occasion."

"Will do, sir. Might I inquire about the nature of this special occasion?"

Never did Hendrik's eyes disconnect from mine. "This is our first of many dates."

I didn't understand what was so special about that, but did acknowledge his assertion that there would be more and that it seemed I had no say in the matter. I wasn't bothered, I didn't care.

"Well, let's hope you will greatly enjoy this date and all dates to come." The host handed us leather-bound menu's that in turn were handed to him by a waiter at his side. "This is Raymond, he will be your waiter for the evening. Enjoy your meal." He excused himself and returned to his post at the front of the restaurant.

While the waiter was sent to fetch our "old and expensive" red wine, we looked over the menus.

It was almost weird to no longer have Hendrik's eyes on me. I had become accustomed to the unnerving feeling and strangely it felt even more unnerving to not have him look at me.

"I think I'll have the steak," he noted absentmindedly. "What about you?"

I hadn't been paying much attention to the menu, I didn't care about what I ate, there was nothing I really liked, nor was there anything I really disliked. Food was nutrition, a basic need and as such should not be made overly complicated by a wide range of choices, I thought. "I don't know."

He looked up at me, his eyes unreadable but with a glint to them. "You should have the duck. The duck is really good."

The waiter returned and poured us our wine, then asked politely if we had come to a decision.

"I'll have the steak."

"And you, sir?" The waiter asked me as he accepted my menu.

"The duck," I replied without much thought. I directed my gaze back at Hendrik and noticed his pleased smirk. What that meant, I did not know.

AC 206

That was how it started; an innocent suggestion that I acted on out of my own disinterest and lack of preference. He was quick to assert more privileges and more control. The next time we went out to dinner, he ordered for me, and every time after that. I wasn't alarmed. Why should I insist on making my own choices - a decision-making process that was reduced to a simple at-random procedure – when apparently someone else does have a preference? If I didn't care but he wanted me to have the duck, why not just have the duck? And the duck turned out to be delicious, even though I couldn't really appreciate it at that stage of my emotional and personal development.

Unfortunately, his other suggestions that I thoughtlessly agreed to turned out to leave a filthy taste in my mouth that still lingered on my palate and, when I focused on it, could still make me nauseous.

With Duo still asleep in the passenger seat and the absence of surrounding traffic, I sunk back into memories.

Early AC 198

"Mind the step," Hendrik warned as we approached the front door to his loft.

We had climbed up steel staircases in what appeared to be an old warehouse in a former industrial area that has been encompassed by the ever expanding city. The warehouses and factories had been remodeled to function as apartment buildings and in spite of their rugged outer appearance I got the impression that the loft that was about to be revealed to me was quite costly.

He swiped his keycard and a light flashed green. With physical strain he pushed the steel, riveted, sliding door open to reveal an echoing darkness.

"Home sweet home," he said slyly and his voice traveled through the door opening and reverberated off what sounded like bare stone walls. He stepped inside and flicked on the overhead lights.

The space was enormous. The apartment was one open space, with high ceilings, supported by steel beams. The walls were red brick work, the floor was poured concrete. Persian rugs and animal hides were strewn about, centered in the living area, under the dining table and around the bed. All furniture was old, solid wood and worn brown leather with lighter discolorations in the seats. The kitchen was modern with black, glossy cabinets and a large island, the kitchen counter was dense, polished concrete. The large television was suspended from the ceiling. In the corner there was a lot of technical equipment; stereo-installation and cameras and microphones and a whole bay of computers that piqued my interest, being an established hacker. The large bed with massive wooden legs and headboard was in the center, covered with shimmery, white, satin sheets.

"What do you think?"

I gave it some thought, then decided on: "It looks manly."

He chuckled deeply. "I approve of that assessment."

I didn't even know I needed his approval. I wouldn't discover that until later, after ignoring many warning signs.

"Do you like my set-up?" He nodded at the desk and computer monitors.

I nodded, my look of interest had not gone unnoticed. "What do you use it for?"

"Work," he answered curtly, with a crooked grin.

How bartending involved intensive computer work was lost on me.

"I'll get you something to drink."

I watched him walk over to the kitchen and rip open the stainless steel door of the large American style refrigerator. He brought over two bottles of beer, twisting off the cap for me.

I took a large drink and then waited expectantly for guidance. I hadn't really understood why he had invited me to come home with him after our date – I think it was the fourth. Perhaps he sought privacy to kiss me, he hadn't kissed me yet. I assumed this to be unorthodox, after all, Duo kissed me as soon as he had made clear to me that he had always seen me as more than a friend, the way Hendrik wanted our relationship to be. I concluded that kissing and other kinds of physical intimacy were a pivotal aspect of "more than friends". It was confusing that Hendrik once more defied my logic. If there were any rules, I was starting to suspect that Hendrik chose not to play by them.

"I can almost hear the wheels turning in your head," Hendrik bemusedly commented.

"What?"

"Tell me what you were thinking about."

"Why I'm here."

"Understandable. I did not bring you here for reasons you may suspect. I didn't ask you to come home with me to have sex with you."

I hadn't even considered that it would go that far, but wasn't put off by it. I didn't care.

"Dating is all about getting to know someone. I wanted to introduce you to my hobby. I wanted to show you and involve you, rather than tell you." He walked to the corner and grabbed a camera from the desk. He held it up demonstratively. "My hobby is photography and film-making. I like capturing beautiful things," he looked at me hungrily, "and you are decidedly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. To not immortalize your beauty would be blasphemous to my craft."

Clearly he intended to persuade me to participate in his hobby. There was no need. The war was over, I didn't care if someone wanted to take my picture or not. I couldn't understand what kind of enjoyment he would get out of it, but since it left me utterly indifferent, why not go along with it?

He seemed to recognize my willingness. A smile spread across his lips and he gestured towards the large, leather couch. "Sit down."

I did as I was told, sitting stiffly on the soft cushion.

"Relax."

I couldn't, my body was always tense, but I feigned relaxation by leaning back, making myself more comfortable. I stared at him, waiting for further instruction or for him to shoot the picture.

He brought the camera up to his face and I heard the shutter several times and the whir of the lens as he zoomed in further and further. "Take your shirt off. You must have a beautiful body."

I shrugged and moved to unbutton my shirt.

"Slowly," he instructed.

I heard the repetitive clicking as I popped one button after another and then slipped the fabric off my shoulders. It seemed like an unusual request to me, but I had no understanding of his hobby and what was and wasn't an unusual request. Since hobbies make people happy, I didn't want to make him unhappy by being uncooperative because I didn't understand what this hobby entailed.

He came closer to me and sat down on the coffee table, only two feet away. Half of his face was covered by the camera as he kept it pointed at me. He reached out his free hand and brushed haphazard bangs out of my eyes with a delicate touch and then moved to cup my face, tilting it slightly. He ran his thumb along my lower lip. Meanwhile the sound of the shutter was continuous.

Suddenly there was silence. He placed the camera on the coffee table and inched forward to the edge. He leaned in towards me.

I knew he was going to kiss me and I waited curiously, wondering if it would have the same effect on me as Duo's kiss.

He suddenly halted in his approach, freezing mere inches away from me, throwing me off like he always did. His gaze was confidant and matched by a small smirk.

My eyebrows twitched at the confusion that struck me. I didn't know what to do and that made me feel uncomfortable. But for me to feel anything was remarkable, so I paused and tried to familiarize myself with the feeling.

He drew me from my musings with a simple command. "Kiss me."

I welcomed his guidance given my uncertainty in the situation. I leaned forward, closing the remaining distance between us and pressed my lips firmly against his, a purely mechanical action. I held still for a second or two and then pulled back, seeking approval.

"You can do better than that, pretty doll," he challenged.

I blinked at the insinuated insult. I had no idea if I could indeed perform better, it was only the second kiss in my life, and how much better could the third possibly be? But I pushed forward again and tried anew. This time the kiss was softer, the contact of our lips more subtle, but it made the experience all the more intense. It felt more like the kiss I had shared with Duo, I felt a shiver and a tingle, either from this third kiss or the memory of the first. I retreated once more and fixed questioning eyes on Hendrik.

He didn't offer me any reassurance. "Were these your first kisses?"

I assumed he meant to apply that they had both been exceptionally inadequate and inexperience was the only logical explanation. "No," I answered honestly, "I have kissed once before."

"Lie down," he said, ignoring my candid answer.

I did as I was told, not wanting to disappoint him further, after all, he was my only hope at becoming capable of emotions, as my "more than a friend". I didn't want him to be displeased with me and leave me like Duo had, leaving me dead and empty and lost. I laid down on my side and supported my head with my hand. I stared at him, trying to gauge him, but I was hopelessly illiterate to human behavior and emotion, I couldn't read him.

"Rest your wrist on your hip," he instructed and as I complied he appreciated: "Yeah, like that, that's good." He picked up the camera and busily started shooting more pictures of me. From behind the camera he said: "Tell me who this other person is, this first person you kissed."

"He was a friend."

"Was?"

I frowned. "I don't know. Yes, I think so."

"You don't see him anymore?"

"I haven't seen him in a year. He went back home, to the colonies."

"Why didn't you?"

"I have no home. And shuttle tickets are expensive."

He chuckled. "Lick your lips."

Another unusual request, but it was met with no protest from me. I licked my upper lip and heard the frequency of the shutter increase. Only afterwards did I think to ask: "Why?"

His answer was curt. "Because I told you to. Now lie on your back."

I repositioned myself as ordered.

He momentarily lowered the camera and reached out his hand. He took hold of my wrist and casually placed my hand over my crotch, then he resumed taking many pictures.

Vividly I remembered a motel in Luxembourg, the smell of my own urine and the gravelly voice of the manager as he approached me with his hands out towards me like greedy claws. I moved my hand up to my abdomen. "Why are you taking these pictures?"

"Because people like to see beautiful things, but they can't all have a beautiful thing in their living room, lying on their couch, so I share my beautiful thing with them."

"Do you sell the pictures? Is that how you pay for this loft?"

"Oh no. The soaring street value of cocaine pays for this loft," he replied matter-of-factly. "The pictures I share for a meager fee, being an enthusiast." He winked at me.

Strangely, this silenced the alarms that had been going off, if he wasn't earning much money with it, than it was just a hobby and how threatening could a hobby be? The fact that he was a criminal, dealing drugs, didn't scare me. I had committed far worse crimes than that, so I had no right to judge him.

Out of the blue he asked: "Did your friend have sex with you?"

"No."

"Did he want to?"

"I don't know." How could I? I couldn't even read the most obvious thoughts, let alone hidden, secret ones.

"Did you want to?"

The question startled me. I had expected my answer to be an instant, adamant "no", but instead I repeated: "I don't know."

"Do you want me to have sex with you?"

"I don't know."

"Have you ever had sex?"

"No."

My lack of experience with kissing must have alerted him with this, but to have it verified caused him to lower the camera once more and grin at me. "Not even with a woman?"

"No."

"Do you like men or do you like women?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I have never felt close to either." Maybe that was a lie, I thought and marveled at the image of Duo's smiling face that popped up unannounced. "I don't really… feel," I added.

"Would you like me to help you feel?"

I stared at him. He could help me help me feel? "Yes."

He smirked darkly. "Good." He put side the camera and looked at his watch. "I think it's time for you to go home now, pretty doll." He helped me into my shirt, his coarse fingers grazing my skin.

He called a taxi for me, paid the driver in advance and then sent me home, with a short, parting kiss.

The fact that nothing really happened that night put me at ease. It added to the inexplicable trust I felt towards him. It never felt like he was forcing me into anything.

The next day he slid a printed picture under my door. It was a black and white image of myself. It was the picture in which I was still sitting upright and Hendrik had his hand on my chin and his thumb dragging across my lower lip. The picture was snapped right as I had started to blink, giving my eyes a hooded and sensual appeal. With black marker he had written along the bottom: "Feel anything yet?" I didn't. The picture was a lie, it alluded to something that was untrue, it was manufactured. It was manipulated.

Importantly though, in the absence of emotion, I also didn't feel scared, or alarmed by the nature in which the picture was portrayed.

I only felt determination to make myself feel something real, a true emotion. The picture and it's script deceived me into thinking that this hobby of Hendrik was an integral part of this process and made me think that I shouldn't resist this proposed method. How could I deny the value of his teachings? He clearly knew more about social interaction and human emotionality than me. I figured I should just go along with it, be open to it, I trusted him after all, and counted on him. I regarded him as my only hope.

What did I have to lose?

AC 206

Duo stirred. His limbs started to move, stretching. He let out a loud, drawled groan. Then rubbed his eyes before finally opening them. "Hey," he greeted, smiling at me sheepishly.

"Hey."

"How long was I out for?"

"A couple of hours."

"Jesus." He looked at the clock and repeated his exclamation more loudly. "It's nine o'clock already? I slept since this afternoon?"

"You were tired. You've been driving a lot, that must have taken a lot out of you."

"You could have woken me, must have been tedious for you."

"It was fine."

He looked around but could see no more than the few yards of tarmac in front of us, lit starkly by the headlights of the old car. "Where are we?"

"We just passed Blue Springs."

"Oh wow, we crossed the state border already?"

I nodded.

"I guess we should find a place to eat and to sleep."

"There's a gas station and snack bar a little up ahead, saw the sign a bit ago."

"Hmmm, fried food. I approve. We could ask people there about a nearby motel?"

"Sure."

A little while later we arrived at the gas station. The tank was nearly empty but being hungry we both made a beeline for the adjoining snack-bar. With our generous servings of cheese chili fries and hotdogs and directions to a motel down the road we went back to the car and sat in the backseat, with our boxed meal between us. Duo propped his feet up against the back of the passenger seat in front of him and I stretched out my legs through the open space between the driver's seat and the passenger seat, taking note not to kick the gear shift. We quietly dug into our unhealthy, belated dinner.

We finished quickly and Duo compacted the boxes into one package. He momentarily set them aside and turned in his seat, putting one knee up on the bench, to look at me. Mildly he started: "We could be in Washington in two days and some change."

"Yes," I agreed matter-of-factly.

"How do you feel about this?"

I shrugged, trying to pretend that it had no effect on me, but the approaching confrontation with reality had filled me with a sense of dread. "We were going to get there eventually anyway. It doesn't make much of a difference that we're two days early."

"It doesn't?" There was disbelief in his voice.

I shrugged again, but averted my gaze to my lap where my nervous fingers played with the hem of my shirt.

"If you want…" he paused briefly, staring at my traitorous fingers, distracted by the forthcoming honesty in them, "we could find a nice hotel and stay there for a bit. Get some rest and just… be together."

I gave it some thought, letting the silence stretch between us – Duo waiting wide eyed, fumbling with the hem of his own shirt with twitching fingers. I decided: "No. I think it will actually be better to get there a little early. You shouldn't get there right before she is about to be induced. You two have a lot to figure out together."

"Us three," he corrected.

I gave him a sad smile.

"Are you sure?" His voice was laced with worry. Worry for me. His heart hurt for me, I knew that.

I nodded, at peace with my decision, even though it pained me. "Yes. It's better to have everything in order before the baby gets here."

Duo sighed, not knowing what to say.

"Have you… thought of a name?" My fingers plucked at a loose thread.

He snapped his head up, looking at me with unbridled shock. I had never elected to discuss the topic with him. But there was no refuge in denial and ignorance anymore. "I- I have." He emphasized. "I haven't discussed anything with Hilde."

I nodded. The ache in my chest made me wonder if I should have still protected myself by not bringing it up, but I knew I was doing the right thing.

"I uh," he started uncertainly, "I thought of… Helena, for a girl?"

I smiled. I didn't dare to look at him, but I remarked with a whisper: "That's a beautiful name."

"And… if it's a boy-" He needed a moment to compose himself. "If it's a boy, maybe- with- with your permission of course… maybe Valentine?"

I looked up at him, my heart clenched.

"Only if you would be okay with that," he quickly assured me. When I didn't respond he said with deep concern: "I don't want you to take it the wrong way. But since this child is going to be ours too, I thought we could… honor-" He stopped himself abruptly. "I'm sorry. Maybe we should keep that name as an option for our own child one day. I-I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just wanted you to feel part of it."

"You should suggest it to Hilde," I said dully. "The name."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I don't think I ever want to go down that road again. Try to have a child."

Duo reached his hand out to my knee for a comforting touch. "Heero-"

I pulled my leg out of his reach. "Please don't," I begged him. I could feel him internally berating himself, his presence became dark and moody. I could practically feel the car tilt on its suspension as a ton of guilt settled on Duo's shoulders.

I sighed. "Let's go to the motel. I'll drive."

Duo dumped our trash in a bin and I filled up the gas tank. I started the engine and we started the two mile stretch towards the roadside motel. Duo seemed defeated into utter silence, so I made the payment at the front desk and accepted the key and led us to our room for the night. Duo was passive and lost in thought.

The room was not unreasonable. The sheets smelled crisp and clean, the mattress was comfortable and the bathroom was fairly new and up-to-date.

"Duo?" I started, midway through getting ready for bed. "I'm not angry with you. I don't mind that you suggested the name."

He looked at me with big eyes that seemed near tears.

"I understand what you meant and… I appreciate it. But you shouldn't name the child Valentine for my sake, to make me feel involved, or like I'm as much its parent as you and Hilde are. Because that is not true. I may, someday, be ready for it to be true, but Hilde will never agree with that. Don't argue-" I interjected as I recognized he was about to. "Let's be honest… she has every right to not want me to be part of it. I'm not going to fight that." I took a deep breath and added sincerely: "This is your child and I think it is wonderful that you want to honor the memory of Leander through this child. And since I don't think I will ever want to try to have children again, I have no qualm with you taking this opportunity to honor him."

"I don't want to hurt you." His voice was breaking.

I composed myself, blinking away threatening tears. "You already have. You wounded me deeply. But… I like to think that this wound, too, will someday be nothing more than a scar and the memory of pain." I touched the scar on my arm, from one of the bullets that Duo fired at me and ripped through my flesh, the day we met.

There were a lot of wounds that still needed healing. I had to hope and trust that time would do the trick. Until then, I felt like I could do nothing but wait; wait for the pain to pass.

But for now, the pain caused me to lie awake, all through the night, clutching at the fabric of my shirt over my heart. It had been throbbing unbearably painfully ever since I had said his name.

Yes, I am purposefully not telling the whole story here :P I'm pretty sure it's not hard to figure out at this point, with the given information, but I wasn't going to be blunt about it and come out saying it, not just yet.

Once more: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! :)

Beta: Zethsaire