Color2413: Thank you for reviewing. I fear this chapter may disappoint you, considering the turn it takes, but I hope you will continue to give the story a chance anyway.
CircleKV12: I think this chapter will answer many of your questions, I hope you will like the answers :S Thank you so much for reviewing again and for continuing to read my stories :)
Miss-murdered: Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad the emotions come through, even though it's all pretty negative. As you will have figured, this isn't exactly a happy-go-lucky story :P Personally, I think the degree to which cheating is forgivable depends on the people and the situation. A lot of the times I agree that it is unforgivable, but sometimes there is more at play and it's not black and white to me. This chapter you will read a little bit more about what happened, I hope you enjoy this new (pretty significant) tidbit of backstory :)
Starless-ocean: I'm assuming with 'H' you mean Hendrik? Technically it could be Hilde or Heero as well, though I don't think poor Heero deserves the mallet-treatment, even though he, too, makes mistakes :P I hope you will like this update. Thank you for reviewing again :)
Shinigamia: Thank you for your review :) I understand the timelime may be confusing at times. Technically, there are only two timelines, the current timeline, where Duo and Heero travel towards DC (which is a slow movie timeline as each chapter only covers one day) and the past timeline, where Heero currently lives in Amsterdam with Hendrik (this is a fast moving timeline as it has already spanned over a year and will cover the remaining years between AC198 and AC206 in short snippets). Because the current timeline also makes many referrals to the (more recent) past, I get that you can get lost in it. I apologize for that :S
Chibichocopaws: I haven't seen the movie, but at your suggestion I will watch it in the future. However, I will wait until I finish this story. If the movie shares similarities with my story I don't want to risk that when I watch the movie it will (unconsciously) influence my story. I'm really glad you are still enjoying the story, in spite of the unfortunate similarities to your own life. It's no trouble at all to warn you beforehand, it seems only logical and appropriate. I always warn for sexual content, because that is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, if I know of someone's personal sensitivities it is much the same to warn them about certain content in a chapter. It is really no trouble at all and I am very honored that you are still reading my story. Speaking of which, this chapter comes with a pretty big warning for you. It is not the flashback yet, but there is a lot more talk about what happened, or rather; about the following emotions and how it currently affects their relationship. It is primarily focused at the end of the chapter, but it is a common theme throughout. And now that the characters have acknowledged it, it will start to play a more prominent role in future chapters. I hope that sufficiently warns you and if you feel you have to quit this story after all, than I apologize once again for writing something that makes you feel bad. In any case, thank you for your review and your continued support :)
Frayedsoul: The flashbacks will definitely get darker, but so will the current timeline, sorry about that :S I wonder how you will feel about Duo's cheating after this chapter, it could go either way I think… Thank you very much for your review :) I hope you will enjoy the chapter in spite of the darkness.
Pikeebo: The possibility of turning back home has been discussed previously, briefly and will be included in this chapter a well. I hope it will explain to you why they haven't gone back :) I hope you will enjoy this update and thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me :)
Blah blah: I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you mean to say with your remark: "Did you forget you were writing a story?" Did you think I had discontinued the story, because it takes so long for me to update? Or are you saying this story doesn't qualify as a proper story, because the last chapter threw in a couple of confusing things without explaining them? Or did you mean something else entirely? I hope you will clarify, so I can give you a reply that will be of use to you. In any case, thank you for reading my stories and I really hope to hear from you again :)
elle. writes: Haha, I think "wordy" captures the very essence of me and my story telling! -.- :P I'm very sorry to hear about your personal issues, thank you for sharing that with me and also thank you for continuing to read this story. With regards to Heero saying Hilde must be beautiful at nine months pregnant, I'll clarify that this is Heero's truth, even though it is not actually true. He has idealized the pregnancy and overestimates the effect Hilde has on Duo. My characters only ever say, think or act on their own truths, which doesn't necessarily match my truth or THE truth :P Thank you for your review, I hope you will continue to read and enjoy the story :)
Blah blah: I'm assuming this is the same "blah blah" as 01/20/13? I refer you to the reply above the previous reply :)
Author's note:
Alrighty then. Here we go. :3
Beta: Zethsaire
WARNING: This chapter includes STRONG sexual content: Three individual lemon-scenes. The consensual nature of the last of the three can be debated.
In their brief description of "Rating M", FFN has not managed to make clear to me what is accepted and appropriate under this rating and what is taking it too far. This time I really fear that I may have and I've "neutralized" it as much as I could, but I felt it was such an integral part of both Heero's relationship with Hendrik and Heero's relationship with Duo that I had to at least try the chapter like this and see how readers react. Please, if you feel I have interpreted the guidelines too liberal, let me know and I will adjust the sexual content accordingly. If that is not the case, then by all means: enjoy!
Loneliest Road
Chapter 7
- Green light. Yellow light. Red light. In life there is really only one light. Everything else is darkness. -
AC 198
I spent more and more time at Hendrik's loft, cutting back my hours at work. I was hardly ever home. During the day I either worked or was at the loft with Hendrik. During the evening and a large part of the night I would be at the bar, just sitting there, watching him, ignoring the advances of other patrons, much to Hendrik's amusement. So when Hendrik said it was a good idea for me to move in with him, I didn't question his logic. It did seem like the more practical option and it would save me from eventually going through the trouble of purchasing furniture to fill my own apartment with. That same night he suggested it, he waited in the doorway after his shift and watched as I packed my duffel bag with my few belongings. Then he took me home with him.
That was the first night we slept in the same bed. I hadn't even considered we would be sharing a bed. I offered to sleep on the couch, but Hendrik flat out refused. He said: "You will be sleeping with me."
If it didn't bother him than I supposed there was no reason for me to be bothered with it either. At least his bed was big, queen-sized. During the war I had shared many, much smaller beds, mostly with Duo. It was never an issue, so why should I have made an issue of then? Although I did recognize that sharing a bed with Duo, my comrade in war, was different from sharing a bed with Hendrik, because clearly our relationship was different. It was a different context.
Still, the bed was alluring after sleeping on a thin mattress on the cold floor of my empty apartment for so long. I wasn't about to pass up on the opportunity.
Hendrik was very chivalrous the first few weeks. He allowed me to do anything I pleased, as long as I just shared the bed with him. He didn't make any moves towards me, he allowed me my space. He didn't even kiss me for any other purpose than to chastely kiss me goodnight, even though before then we had been sharing more and more kisses and they became increasingly intense at his insistence.
After a few weeks of acclimatization though, Hendrik deemed he had given me plenty of time to get comfortable and that is when he started to introduce me to the rules.
The first thing he had me do was quit my job. He argued that there was no need for me to work, he paid for my housing, my food and had even come home on several occasions with presents; mostly new clothes. More importantly he didn't like that our vastly different hours kept us apart. I worked almost exclusively the day shift, whereas Hendrik obviously worked the evenings and nights. He wanted me to be home when he was home.
He was very adamant about it. I figured he was right, it was impractical for me to keep my dead-end job. I quit without any objection, although I did sleep uneasy that night. I always thought that if I would get the opportunity to work some place I would enjoy, Hendrik would let me, be happy for me even, that comforted me, put me at ease – not knowing that that was false hope.
Alex, my co-worker and self-proclaimed friend, was upset at my abrupt decision to quit work. He didn't understand. He didn't know of Hendrik. He made me promise to stay in touch. I owed him at least that, he seemed genuinely upset at the thought of not seeing me anymore.
A few days later I had to break that promise. I hung out with Alex for a few hours at his modest apartment, he had me watch movies with him and laughed at my admission that I had never watched a movie for entertainment purposes before. I enjoyed that afternoon. But when I came home, Hendrik was angry. He didn't want me to spend so much time with Alex, he didn't trust the young man. He suspected that something had happened between us and seemed distraught at the very thought. He asked me who was more important to me, him or Alex. He made me choose.
I ignored Alex' calls from that day on until eventually he gave up and didn't try to contact me again.
Hendrick was pleased with my decision. He took me out to dinner, bought me a bouquet of flowers and kissed me deeply and passionately for the first time since I moved in. At his kiss something stirred within me and it reminded me that I needed to make Hendrik happy, after all, with Duo out of my life, Hendrik was the only person left who could awake anything within me. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or if they were feelings worth mentioning at all, but I noticed a slow change within me that I wanted to hold on to; needed to hold on to.
Hendrik's next rule caught me off guard.
It was four AM and Hendrik came home from his shift at the bar. I was on the leather couch, reading one of the books from Hendrik's bookcase. It was a textbook on photography, I was just trying to understand. So far it was unclear to me why he preferred to take my picture with my shirt off, I hadn't come across a chapter on that yet.
"It's good to be home," He said and he rushed towards me. He took the book from my hands, dropping it down on the coffee table and then he strongly grabbed my wrist and pulled me up to my feet. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tightly against him while he leaned his head down to kiss me. His kiss was aggressive and demanding. When he got like that I knew he wanted me to open my mouth, so I did and I let his tongue greedily plunder my mouth. The sensations I experienced whenever he kissed me like that were not unwelcome, especially when he had me pressed up against him like that.
"Hmmm," He moaned as we parted. "It's good to be home," He repeated. "Come sleep with me pretty doll." He tugged me to the bed.
He stood on his side, undressing.
I stood on my side, watching him. There was a sense of confusion but also curiosity when Hendrik stripped down further than usual without grabbing fresh clothes from the closet. When he was only his underwear he looked up at me.
"Undress."
"Why?"
He smirked. "From now on clothes are no longer allowed in bed."
"Why?"
"It's just more comfortable that way."
"I don't mind sleeping with my clothes on," I looked down my body, at my cotton T-shirt and my loose sweatpants.
"I mind when you sleep with your clothes on." He promptly hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his boxer shorts and pulled them down, then stepped out of them.
I stared at him. I had never him naked before, like I said, he was very chivalrous the first couple of weeks. He hadn't seen me completely naked yet either, only with my shirt off, or that once when I was just in my underwear and he reached for his photo camera again. The only people who had ever seen me fully naked were J, Trowa I supposed, when he took care of me and… Duo.
I shook my head, why was I once again thinking about Duo? I redirected my focus to Hendrik.
He let me look at him as he just stood there, his hands at his sides, making no attempt to cover up his private parts. He seemed very confidant and self-assured. My gaze wasn't really focused on his face, but if it was I would have caught the smirk.
I was preoccupied studying his body. I had always known he was tall and muscular, but to see him completely exposed only highlighted that; his thick neck, his broad shoulders, his big arms, his buff chest, his chiseled abs, his toned, muscular legs. Other than that I noticed he was 'big' in another sense as well. Not grasping the concept of embarrassment or shame, I had no qualms about looking.
"Take off your clothes, pretty doll." He said in a soft but definitive tone. "Let me see you."
Without resistance I heeded his request and pulled my shirt up over my head and let it drop to the floor. Then I took off my sweat pants and was left in only my briefs. I looked down and noticed the bulge between my legs was protruding a little more than usual. I wasn't in a fully erect state, but watching Hendrik undress had left me semi-hard. I supposed that meant I was excited then. Excitement was a feeling, was it not? The realization was a positive one. Without any further ado I took off my briefs as well. I looked at Hendrik expectantly, having no clue what to do, how to act or what to say in the given situation.
"Don't be embarrassed," Hendrik said with a grin and he kneeled on the bed.
"I'm not," I replied matter-of-factly.
"Good…" He drawled, with hungry eyes he looked me up and down. "You have a beautiful body. I am very pleased."
I guessed I didn't look half bad, especially for my age, due to the extensive training that I went through. But I was strangely aware of how much bigger Hendrik was, in every sense. It made me think that we didn't match, that we didn't fit together, that we didn't belong together. It was a little frustrating, the way I used to get frustrated during my early days of training when J presented me with parts from several rifles and I tried and failed to reassemble them. I pushed that thought from my mind, realizing, on some level, that it wasn't right to think about that in the current situation.
Hendrik sat down on his side of the bed, leaning back against the headboard, his long legs outstretched. He gestured for me to join him on the bed.
I did, sitting down atop the sheets and briefly rearranging the pillows behind my back.
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
"I don't know," I answered honestly.
Hendrik didn't react, instead, he continued questioning: "Have you ever masturbated?"
"Yes."
He waited for me to elaborate, a devilish glint in his eyes.
"Sometimes I wake up with an erection and it feels better to take care of it than to wait until it goes away naturally."
"Naturally?" Hendrik chuckled deeply. "There is nothing more unnatural than letting an erection go to waste."
I shrugged, I didn't really have an opinion on the matter.
"Show me how you touch yourself," Hendrik urged and he scooted a little closer to me. It was evident he was getting aroused.
It was a little strange to be doing that in his presence, but after brief thought I didn't think I was averse to the idea. Maybe it was like when he wanted me to take my shirt off, so he could look at me and take pictures of me. That seemed innocent enough, it certainly had never developed into anything I felt overly uncomfortable with. I could trust him.
Unceremoniously I started masturbating. My technique was straightforward, unimaginative. With his eyes intently on my groin, I could not deny that I got hard faster than I normally did and I felt hotter than I normally did.
"Is that all you do when you pleasure yourself?" Hendrik questioned.
I was a little caught off guard by the sudden interruption. "Yes," I admitted.
Hendrik chuckled softly. "Oh, pretty doll, you have been missing out."
"Why? It works," I replied dumbly.
He chuckled again. "I'm sure it does." He leaned over and planted a light, surprisingly delicate kiss on my cheek. "Watch me," he whispered in my ear.
I watched intently, willing to learn, as he slowly ran his hands down his defined chest and abdomen, his palms grazing over his nipples, making them hard. When he hands were near his groin, he purposefully ignored his penis, even though it was fully erect ever since I started to touch myself. With a light touch he stroked the insides on his thighs and then moved his attention to his scrotum. He moaned shamelessly at his own ministrations.
My fingers were still around my own erection, but I didn't stroke myself, I was too distracted by watching him.
He became more bold, more goal oriented. It was clear he knew his own body well and new exactly what felt good. He wasn't just mindlessly pumping his fist up and down like I always did.
The technique was familiar, I recognized it from a memory. I had once seen Duo masturbate like that when we shared a dorm room at one of the schools we were enrolled in and he thought I was fast asleep.
Suddenly I had the urge to continue to touch myself. I kept my eyes affixed on Hendrik's actions as I tried to mimic them on myself, unable to contain my gasps and whimpers as I discovered how much better it felt than just mindlessly jerking off.
"Are you close, pretty doll?"
I could do nothing other than moan in response as my body urged me to quicken the pace and intensify my touches. My whole body burned with heat, my dick was rock hard.
Hendrik let out a hearty laugh, it was all the answer he needed.
Soon we both orgasmed, in near unison. The climax was a relief like I had never experienced before, my entire body felt relaxed, sated and tired. I brought one of my hands up to my chest as I kept the other around the base of my softening penis. With a feather light touch I lazily drew patterns on my chest, occasionally accidentally grazing a nipple, causing me to gasp. I kept my eyes closed as I enjoyed the aftermath.
The mattress moved and dipped beside me as Hendrik turned to lay on his side, facing me.
I opened my eyes and found him smirking at me, the evidence of his own release on his stomach.
He briefly broke eye-contact and rolled onto his other side. I heard him open and close the drawer of his nightstand. He turned back and presented a box of tissues, placing it in between us on the bed. He pulled out a couple and started cleaning his essence off his body, I followed his example, wiping my come off myself.
When we were done he put away of the box of tissues and leaned in for another chaste kiss on my cheek, which appeared to be a complete contrast to what we had just done. He pulled up the sheets to cover us both, wished me goodnight and then reached up to switch of the light.
In the darkness I stared ahead of me, not entirely sure what just happened, what it meant or how it would change things.
Let alone how it would change me.
AC 206
"Heero, baby?"
I blinked, startled by Duo's hand waving in front of my face. I focused my eyes on his amused features.
"You were like a million miles away," He remarked and then handed me a paper cup of hot coffee.
"Thanks," I took a cautious sip. I was leaning against the side of the car, looking at the vehicles speeding by along the highway. I had waited while Duo had gone to get us coffee and breakfast from the gas station. Meanwhile I had been lost in thought, the way I had been lost in thought all night.
"What were you thinking about?" Now there was a hint of concern in his voice.
"It's not important," I breathed.
"Right." He bit the inside of his lip to prevent himself from questioning me further.
"Did they have anything decent to eat?"
Duo shrugged his shoulder. "Just more of the same old, pre-packaged sandwiches." He held up a selection.
"I happen to like those," I said with a smile to lighten the atmosphere and I reached for one of them, ripping the package open and demonstratively taking a bite.
"Well, that makes one of us…" He noted as he fingered the lip of the plastic package. "I like the sandwiches you make," He said with a shy smile.
I quirked an eyebrow. "Really? I recall you accusing me of trying to kill you when I first served you those."
"Back then I had no idea yet how good they are. The amount of mayonnaise and mustard threw me for a second."
I let out a short laugh.
Duo let out a deep breath and stepped closer towards me. "I missed that. I missed this," He said serenely and he brought up one hand to touch the exposed skin of my arm delicately, stroking the back of his fingers up and down slightly.
"Missed what?" I asked, trying to distract myself from the pleasant shudder I felt.
"Talking to you about stupid things, lighthearted things. It makes me feel close to you. Like we are the old 'us' again." He looked up at me with poignant eyes.
I looked down at our feet, not able to look back at him without emotions welling up to an unbearable level. "We didn't exactly have a lighthearted couple of years."
"I know," He agreed with a sigh, "The past two years haven't been easy. But we are still here, we are still together. I think that is very special. And I cherish that more than anything."
I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. You'd think after a night spent in thought, I would have some words, there was no shortage of words in my head. But there was a disconnect between what I dared to think and what I dared to say.
"I think we can get there again, back to being the old 'us'," Duo whispered. He put our coffee cups and the sandwiches on the roof of the car, to free his hands to rest them both on my hips and get the dangerously hot liquid out of the way. He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. "I'm not saying that I think everything that has happened hasn't changed us, or won't continue to change us" He continued, "But I think we can overcome it and go back to loving each other and trusting each other the way we did."
I sighed, I reached down for his hands and gently took them off my hips. "I never stopped loving you," I told him, holding his big hands in mine, intertwining our fingers, "Nor did I ever love you less, in spite of what happened and in spite of what you may think…"
"But?" Duo rightly suspected, his voice cracking.
"I don't know if we will ever get the trust back. Back to the way it was."
"Please don't say that," Duo begged. He moved in to place a gently kiss on the corner of my mouth, then released his hands from mine and strongly wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace, nuzzling his nose past my ear and into my hair.
With a sigh I hugged him back. I relished in the way he felt against me, the way he smelled and the feel of the warmth of his hands on my back radiating through the thin fabric of my grey shirt. It was a perfect hug, like all his hugs used to be. Still, it wasn't the same as before. Which was exactly what I feared, that nothing would be the same as before.
"We've hurt each other, Duo," I started. "You didn't just hurt me, I hurt you too, I realize that now," I admitted earnestly, after being consumed by that thought all night. "How can we ever go back to our old self after what life has done to us and after what we have done to each other?"
Duo slowly released me. Not until I saw the tears running down his face did I realize I had been silently crying as well.
"What you did doesn't compare to the mistake I made," He said sternly. "I don't want you to feel guilty about that. You were hurting, I understand."
"Maybe it is just as bad. You were hurting too and I only made that worse." My voice suddenly changed as I was overwhelmed by emotions. "I drove you to Hilde. I made it unbearable for you to stay. I drove you to her." I let out a single sob. "It was my fault, but I'm still just so angry with you. It doesn't make any sense!"
"Shhh, shhh." Duo took me in his arms again. He softly ran his hand through my hair as I cried into his shoulder.
I was embarrassed at the intensity of my emotions, after all the time that had passed. Not the nearly nine months since Duo cheated on me with Hilde, but the nearly two years since the event that started all the misery.
"It's not your fault, Heero," He assured me. "Yes, you did drive me away. But you didn't drive me to Hilde. It was my own mistake to go see her. And it was my own mistake to have let that night go as it did. That is all on me."
"I wanted him so badly!" I cried.
Duo's body shook with a sob at my cry as he realized what it was that I was so upset about. "I know," He said with coarse voice. "I know. I did too."
"I loved him!"
He tightened his embrace, trying to still my shaking body. "I know you did. And I loved him too." He kissed my ear and my neck. I could feel the wetness on his face as he pressed it against mine.
He held me for a long time, tightly in his arms, patient and understanding. It was so much like how it used to be it was effortless for me to pretend that it was and I needed that. I hugged him back tighter still and I imagined we were in our kitchen, a few years, back when he would just hold me after coming home from a long day at the garage. Or in the shower, in the morning, when he would join me in the stall and wrap his arms around me and we would just stand there under the spray, enjoying each other, nearly being late for work each time.
I pulled back enough to connect our mouths and kiss him desperately. The open-mouthed kiss soon deepened and the trails of tears dried on our face as we lost ourselves in the illusion that we could recapture what once was. His hands cupped my face, palms over an erratic, wild heartbeat. He kissed me back with the same desperation that I felt.
I broke the kiss to say something, but Duo instantly leaned forward to capture my lips anew, losing himself to the growing passion between us, a passion that had been missing for a long time, but appeared reawakened by our openness and honesty. I wasn't about to let the fact that the feeling may well be temporary stop us. I returned the kiss hungrily, fighting his tongue with my own.
Suddenly I pushed him back and looked up at his worried face. Worried that he had made a mistake, worried that he may have pushed me. The concern melted away when I whispered huskily: "If you really think we can get 'us' back, then make love to me like you used to." I wanted just one more time with him, before I would lose him to Hilde and this beautiful baby that would be. I wanted once more and I wanted to pretend that it could stay like that forever, even though I had long suspected differently.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," I flicked my tongue over his Adam's apple.
Duo groaned. "Should I get us a room again, then?"
I nodded. I wasn't about to let it take place on the back seat of the old car in a parking lot in broad daylight. People had been watching us as it was. Two men kissing still wasn't a common, nor accepted sight in rural America.
He planted one more firm kiss on my lips and then announced: "Then I guess I'll go arrange that." He hurried off back to the motel reception, nothing more than a small office in the corner of the building.
I took a deep breath and ran my hand through my hair. I turned around and dumped the sandwiches in the car, placing the coffee in a cup holder just because I didn't feel comfortable walking over to the trash bin few yards away with my erection evident in my tight jeans.
Duo walked back over with a key to a room. His 'delicate state' was a little less obvious in his looser jeans with the groin area also covered by his untucked button-up shirt. Still, it was pretty clear if you just thought to look. I laughed at what the receptionist must have thought, though I was relatively certain it wasn't a rarity to have a disheveled looking man come up demanding a room as quickly as possible.
"Why are you laughing?" Duo wondered before he pushing his body flush against mine and gave me a short but passionate kiss.
"I'm just happy, for once," I whispered against his lips. Not entirely untrue. I was excited about what would happen over the course of the next few minutes – I didn't think it would last very long considering how long it had been and how eager we both were – anything beyond the next few minutes was still daunting and dark.
"I'm happy too. I've wanted this for so long," He said between kisses.
I knew that with "this" he wasn't just referring about the imminent sexual encounter, he meant our reconnection. Not knowing if that was something I could offer, I ignored that aspect to it and whispered in his ear: "Then let's go." I took the key from his hand, checked the number and pulled him along by the wrist to the corresponding room.
Once we were inside the darkened room Duo's hands were all over me again, first on my hips to pull me close, then he squeezed my ass and rocked our hips together. We both moaned at the friction and the feel of the other's erection against us. One of his hands traveled up my back and grabbed my neck, tilting my head as he pleased as he ravaged my mouth – which I thoroughly enjoyed. His other hand moved up my front, slipping under my shirt. He sensually caressed the skin of my stomach and chest as he trailed up my body till he found a nipple and started to play with it.
I broke the kiss to gasp. The feeling of him rubbing the nub between his fingers was familiar, but I didn't remember it being that intense.
Duo grinned. He brought his mouth close to mine again but instead of dominantly capturing my lips in a hot kiss, he teased me by running his open mouth along my lips softly, pulling his head back every time I pushed forward to deepen the kiss.
"Ahh, tease…"
Duo chuckled. I had expected him to give in to me and kiss me, but instead, with a wicked look, he bent forward. With both hands he pushed my shirt up to my collarbone and held it there as he started licking and sucking the nipple that he had been teasing with his hand previously. After a few minutes he moved over to the other, but I didn't allow him to spend that much time on that one. Urgently I grabbed the base of his braid and pulled his face up. I kissed him firmly and then parted my lips to beg him: "Fuck me." I knew that would drive him wild and would have much the same effect on him as what he just did to me. It may have been a long time, it seemed we still knew each other instinctually. My body knew what to do – my hands knew where to wander, my hips knew how to thrust, my lips knew what to whisper.
With a growl he reconnected our lips. His hands went south to strongly grasp my ass and lift me up.
I wrapped my arms and legs around him as he carried me over to the bed and dropped us down onto it.
He rid us both of our tops and then lay down on top of me, between my legs. His slick chest against my own felt amazing as our tongues fought and our hips ground together.
I moaned into his mouth, helpless to fight the sensations. Greedy for more pleasure and ultimately release I rocked my hips against his, loving the feel of our arousals pressed together, although separated by our jeans and underwear.
Duo raised himself up and sat back on his haunches between my spread legs. He ran his hands up my denim clad thighs, causing a shudder to run through me. He hands trailed all the way up to my groin, massaging me through my pants momentarily before he deftly popped open the button and unzipped the fly. He licked his lips at my exposed boxer briefs, bulging with need. "I want to suck you," He admitted, his fingers ghosted over the thin material.
"Don't," I ground out. "I'm already too close." Normally I wouldn't have made any objections. Many times Duo had brought me to orgasm – and vice versa - right before he made love to me – yet we never failed to come together again a second time. However I didn't know how I would feel and how willing I would still be after the urgency had left my body following the climax. I didn't want to risk the feeling going away before I've had him inside me and complete me one more time.
Duo nodded. He leaned forward to cherish my chest and abdomen with kisses as he pulled my pants down along with my underwear.
I pulled up my legs to get them out of the jeans and watched Duo discard them to the floor.
He briefly stood up to fully undress himself before he climbed back on. He couldn't resist giving his erection a few strokes in the heat of things.
I moaned, I realized I also wanted to have him in my mouth and maybe I should have offered like he had, but at that point I was too damn eager to have him make love to me properly.
Luckily we didn't have to worry about condoms, because I doubted Duo would have had the audacity to bring them along on our trip. He had gotten tested a few months after his slip up with Hilde and though I wasn't sure he would never slip again, I knew it hadn't happened since, as he was too busy making it up to me. I had gotten tested after Hendrik. After whom I had never had sex with anyone other than Duo.
I pushed those thoughts from my mind, not too difficult considering how aroused and ready I was.
Duo leaned over me. "Are you sure, Heero?"
I couldn't speak, I could only nod. I was sure.
He spit a liberal amount of saliva in his hand and rubbed it over his erection, then hooked his hands under the back of knees and pushed them up.
My heart fluttered and my arousal throbbed in anticipation as I felt him press up against me. Still, I had the sense to remind him breathlessly: "It's been a really long time. Maybe you should use your fingers first."
He nodded dumbly, obviously feeling stupid for not having thought of that, especially since we didn't have any proper lubrication to ease the process. He put two of his fingers in his mouth, sucking them until he was satisfied they were wet enough, he brought them down between my legs and took his time stretching me.
"I think that's good enough," I breathed between moans after a while. Duo definitely still knew me; still knew how to drive me crazy with pleasure.
"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you," He said with evident concern. He kept thrusting the pair of fingers in and out of me, more often than not finding my prostate with them and brushing by it gently, making sparks appear in front of my eyes.
"If you don't get to it quickly I'm going to come before you do," I admitted with bright red, hot cheekbones.
He nodded and retreated his fingers. "Don't be embarrassed. I don't think I'm going to last long myself. At all," He stressed and he grinned down at me. He spit into his hand again, wetting his erection anew and then he pushed his hips forward again.
"Ohhh, yeah," I moaned when I felt him. I wrapped my legs around his hips.
My soon to be renewed lover bent forward and captured my lips in an attempt to distract me from any discomfort as he gradually pushed into me, but we couldn't maintain the kiss, we both let out deep groans as pleasure hit us when he disappeared into me to the hilt. There was pain involved, a burning sensation, but I needed him, so I was willing to accept the pain. An unexpected analogy for what our relationship had become.
He gave me a few minutes to adjust, kissing my face.
"I'm ready."
He started moving carefully, creating a slow rhythm of long, deep thrusts.
I moaned continuously as he moved within me, not just literally but figuratively as well. His hands were touching a heart and a soul that I had kept locked away from him for too long, fearing what he would do with them once he would get his hands on them again, fearing him to be coarse and irresponsible and not like I knew him to be, only causing more damage. But he was gentle. So gentle.
"I love you Heero. I love you so much," He whispered, his hot breath tingling in my ear.
"I love you too," I replied and kissed his cheek.
Duo responded by kissing my mouth, keeping our lips locked as he gradually increased the pace, flooding us both with pleasure.
I did love him. And I knew he loved me. Strangely though, I had learned to doubt whether or not that was enough to make a relationship work between two people. Even though we loved each other, we had no control over our lives. Bad things could always happen, mistakes could always be made. I could shut myself off again and revert back into the soldier and Duo could cheat on me again.
But in the moment our love was enough. It was everything I needed, in the motel room that shielded us from the outside world and our reality.
As expected, it didn't last long. Duo announced that he was about to come and grasped my previously neglected arousal to bring me to climax in unison with him.
I screamed when I came. I hoped the neighboring rooms were unoccupied or else people would surely have heard.
Duo yelled out my name in the throes of his own completion. He collapsed on top of me, his hot breath spreading across my chest.
"That was incredible," He said after a long silence.
"Yes," I agreed. I lazily stroked my fingers through his hair.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm a little sore," I admitted, continuing to pet his soft hair.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay, it was unavoidable. It's been so long and it didn't help that we didn't have any lube."
Duo pushed himself up to look at me. "I'm sorry about that too."
"For not having brought lube? Don't be, if I had found it in your bag before now I would have been pissed," I chuckled, even though it was the truth.
"No, for how long it's been."
I sighed. "That is more my fault than it is yours."
"Maybe, but I didn't help matters."
No, sleeping with Hilde didn't help matters, I thought to myself.
With a groan Duo got up. "I'll go get a towel to clean us up."
I watched him disappear into the bathroom. I heard him run the faucet for a while and then he returned with a small, towel, wet with warm water. I sighed contently as he gently cleaned my stomach, my chest and even my neck – clearly I had enjoyed myself. Once I was clean he cleaned himself off and then threw the towel to the floor and covered us up with the sheets as our sweat and the water started to dry on our skin. He pulled me into his arms and I didn't resist, instead I nuzzled my face against his chest, breathing in deeply, enjoying his scent; a combination of his own, unique smell and the smell of sex. I didn't want this serenity to be over quite yet. I closed my eyes and simply bathed in his warmth.
After a few minutes, perhaps as many as thirty, I groaned and said: "If we don't get out soon I'm going to fall asleep."
"Then just sleep," Duo whispered, his hand softly caressing my back.
"Shouldn't we get back on the road?"
"We have time," He quietly assured me. "We have enough time to stay here all day if you want."
"Do you want to?"
"You know I do."
Come to think of it, I did. He had already offered to stay put for a little bit before and just enjoy each other's company for a little bit before we would reach Washington D.C. and things would get even more complicated.
Tired from getting no sleep that night and sated from the physical exertion, I realized I had no desire to get out of bed and onto the road, especially knowing what was waiting at the end of the journey. "Then let's stay here for a bit."
Duo's arms tightened around me, pleased at my decision. He moved to kiss my forehead and then settled with a sigh.
We fell asleep together, but as relaxed and comfortable as I had felt, my dreams were plagued by memories from long ago, prompted by Duo's gentle and wonderful lovemaking as I had once known such a stark contrast.
AC 198
The rules accumulated at Hendrik's loft. Every so often he would introduce a new one. I didn't really understand any of them, let alone his reasoning behind them, but I didn't want to make him unhappy. I didn't want to make him grow tired of me, or bored with me, I didn't want to make him leave. Besides, his rules really weren't that difficult to follow. I had been subjected to much more severe and much more severely punishable rules than anything Hendrik come up with. Once you have killed someone, especially on your own accord, you moral boundaries shift to where you can't see them anymore and you are constantly probing in the dark to try and find them and you don't know where they are until you've crossed them.
The point was, nothing he could make me do was worse than many of the things I had already done, so why not just do it? Some of the rules I even learned to enjoy. Like the rule that we must always shower together. My heart may have not yet known what it is like to feel, to truly feel, but my body was a quick learner and I supposed Hendrik was a good teacher. It started as masturbating in each other's presence, then he pushed it to evolve to jerking each other off and then, one shower, he dropped to his knees and used his mouth to pleasure me to completion.
Even though what I was feeling was purely physical, I felt like I was on the right track and even though I couldn't see what was ahead of me, or which turns to take, I trusted Hendrik would push me in the right direction. I trusted him, maybe, more than anything else, because I had no other option. I was hopelessly lost on my own.
I stripped out of my clothes as we headed to bed, adhering to the rules. We crawled under the sheets and Hendrik moved closer to me, crossing the distance between us.
"I love that you wait up for me, 'till I get back from my shift at the bar," He said and then he placed one of his big hands on my chest.
I didn't know why he suddenly touched me, or why he felt the need to say what he did. It was one of the rules, I had to wait up for him. Or rather; I went to bed as soon as he left for work earlier in the evening and sat the alarm clock an hour before he got back to allow myself time to wake myself up with a cup of coffee and freshen up. Only to go straight back to bed with him once he was home, often over an hour, sometimes two hours late.
"I love having you here."
Hendrik used the word 'love' very generously, that much I had noticed. I couldn't help but notice, I couldn't remember any other time that word had been used in my presence, let alone referring to me. I didn't think it made any difference that he never actually said 'I love you'. 'I love having you here', 'I love being with you' and 'I love having you around' boiled down to the same thing, right? That pleased me because if he loved me, maybe he could teach me how to love him.
His hand started moving, rubbing my chest in slow circles, the circles getting wider and wider until his thumb found one of my nipples and started teasing it. He kept staring at my face, his eyes unreadable.
I didn't know what he wanted from me. Things usually went differently if he wanted us to masturbate together or if he wanted me to touch myself while he took pictures of me. He was always very direct. He seemed to understand that I needed to have things explained, because it was all new to me. He enjoyed it more often than it frustrated him.
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
There was that question again. He asked me that question quite frequently. As far as I could remember it was the only question he asked me, everything else he always told me, definitively, sometimes demandingly.
So far, every time he asked, the only answer I could give him was that I didn't know, because I truly didn't. I recognized there was some… disturbance – or a change – in my heart and I definitely noticed a change in my body, especially in the way and the ease with which it expressed its desires, but I didn't know if that meant I wanted to have sex with him. I guessed I had been waiting for the answer to strike me like thunder, I had expected there would be a moment, an epiphany and from that point on I would just know. But there had been no such moment. Still, we had been together for so long by then, and intimate for so long, I should be ready; I should want it.
My body wanted it. I got an erection from just having him touch my chest and look at me like he only ever looked at me when he asked me that question. Softly. I didn't know how else to describe it. It were the only times in the relationship that I felt like I was in control, and I was grateful to him that he allowed me to have that control when it came to sexual intercourse. It reminded me that even though he could be demanding and pushy and needy, he was a kind person and someone I could trust. Yet, I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted this kind of control, because I didn't have a clue about what to do.
Eventually, I answered: "Yes." I just wanted to get it over with, I wanted to know what it would be like, so my answer could be more informed next time.
He smirked and leaned in for a hot kiss. His hand didn't idle, it quickly became more bold, running down my body and wrapping around my arousal, giving it a few playful jerks.
He was good at making my body feel searing hot. Trying not to get too distracted by his kiss nor his intimate touch, I reached down and enveloped his thick erection. I had been daunted by his size ever since he explained to me what he meant exactly when he said 'sex', what he wanted to do with me. I thought penetrative intercourse was exclusively between a man and a women and that sex between two men meant oral sex and just touching each other and rubbing their arousals together. The possibility of anal sex hadn't even dawned on me until he made me aware of it.
Daunting or not, he had promised me that it would feel good, that I would experience immense pleasure at having him inside me. It never occurred to me to argue about positions, he was the experienced one, he knew what to do and what was supposed to happen. I figured that since he was so much bigger than me, it would be more natural for him to the dominant one, the aggressor. Besides, I didn't feel strongly about either position, so why would argue?
"Don't go anywhere," He said with a grin, interrupting the sloppy kiss. He rolled back over to his side and opened his night stand. I heard him rummaged around in it, then he pushed it shut and rolled back to lie flush against me. He reached over to place the item he had retrieved on the nightstand by my side of the bed.
I looked up at the product. A tube of something.
"Lube," he clarified with a grin.
"Shouldn't we use condoms also?" Every school I had been to lectured on abstinence but handed out condoms at the door after every sex-ed class anyway.
"Nooo," he drawled patronizingly. "We don't have to bother with that. You are a virgin and I am clean. You trust me, right?"
I nodded.
"And you are a virgin, right?"
I nodded again.
"Good. Then we don't have to worry about that." His lips descended upon mine, effectively ending the discussion. His hands started wandering anew, there was nothing gentle about his touch, his fingers were tight on my flesh and demanding as he groped me. He briefly went down on me, nothing more than a few long, hard pulls on my length to manipulate my body into ignoring the nervous feeling in my stomach.
He sat up and told me to roll over on my stomach. I did as I was instructed. Then his hands strongly grabbed my hips and he pulled me up on all fours. "Yeah, that's nice," He groaned and he ran his hands over my exposed buttocks.
I couldn't deny that it felt good to have that area touched. As coarse as his fingers were and as rough and indelicate as his touch was, the skin was sensitive and tingled and my groin responded to that.
I watched his hand as he reached past me for the tube of lubrication on the nightstand. By the way the mattress moved I knew he was sitting up on his knees behind me.
"What are you doing?"
He chuckled, "Just making sure I'm nicely lubed up."
I watched as he put the lube back on the night stand.
"Now I am not going to stretch you," He announced. "Because I don't want to ruin your virgin tightness. So it might be a little painful in the beginning," He let out a hearty laugh.
I took a deep breath, noticing that it came out trembling. I didn't know why.
His hands were on my hips again, one of them slick from the lube, he pulled me back towards him.
Without warning he snapped his hips forward and pushed into me all the way.
I had known pain and knew how to handle it, but that pain was unlike anything I had ever felt I couldn't bite back the scream that erupted out of me. I didn't remember a knife or even a bullet ripping through my body hurting that much. I didn't know how to process the unique and intimate kind of pain, I didn't know how to overcome it and Hendrik didn't give me any time to figure it out or adjust to his size. His fingers digging into my hips would leave bruises as he held me still as he rocked back and forth without pause.
I clenched my jaw and my eyes shut, waiting for the pain to pass, after all, Hendrik said it would. But then again, he also said that it would only hurt a little.
When the extreme discomfort did not ease away, I started begging him to stop, with a voice that sounded alien to me. "Please, stop! Stop!" I was so overwhelmed by the sharp stings of pain that went through my body that I didn't think I had the focus nor the strength to physically make him stop. But more importantly, I didn't want to have to make him stop, I wanted him to stop because I asked him to. As he continued, I cried: "Please stop! Ah! Something is not right! It hurts so much!"
"Just give it some time," He ground out and then he placed his big hand on the back of my neck and pushed me down to the mattress, my weakened arms buckling under me.
But I had given it time and it wasn't working. I couldn't explain that to him, however, I lost control over my voice as well as my entire body, I felt paralyzed, although not in the least numb to the pain. All I could do was lie there and bite my lips to stop myself from making pathetic sounds.
For some reason I thought back to the first time Hendrik asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. Right before he asked me that, he asked me if I had wanted to have sex with Duo. I was left to wonder if it would have been the same with Duo, if it would hurt this much and if he, too, wouldn't listen to my pleas.
I could tell by the change in his breaths and in his moans that he was close, meaning that it would soon be over. It didn't matter, I didn't care anymore. I shut myself off. I could still feel the pain, but I faced it the way I was trained to face torture; lock yourself inside, ride out the pain and never reveal any of your secrets.
He came with a final grunt and then rolled off me. Lying on his back, catching his breath, he said between pants: "Next time it will be good for you too."
I didn't think there would be a next time, because next time he would ask me if I wanted to have sex with him, I would say 'no'. Because even though I could handle it, I would never want it.
However Hendrik never asked me again. Instead, it became one of the rules: to let him have sex with me whenever he desired to.
I didn't run from it. I didn't run from him.
Maybe it would just take a while before it would finally feel good and maybe I just had to patiently wait for that moment. Perhaps then I would finally feel love; would finally feel alive.
Or maybe it was just the painful, humiliating torture that I perceived it to be. I couldn't run away from that either. Because if it was then obviously I deserved it. Even though the sex stopped hurting after a while and sometimes my body would even respond favorably at his insistence, it was always torture. Afterwards it left me feeling completely empty, the opposite of what I had been searching for.
In any case, I finally found an answer to Hendrik's question from before. "Did you want him," Duo, "to have sex with you?" Yes, I did. I thought about it many times, to escape from the painful reality of sex with Hendrik. The way Duo had cared for me during the year we lived together between the end of the war and the start of the Mariemeia conflict, I couldn't imagine him being rough or inconsiderate. I didn't think that it wouldn't hurt with Duo, Hendrik made pain appear like an inextricable and overpowering aspect of sex, but I did think Duo would bother to comfort me and care for me afterwards. The way he used to take care of me after battle, or after being fired again from another one of my stupid jobs in that twilight year.
After sex with Hendrik, when he would leave me lying there, my body and mind feeling broken, I would imagine Duo, playing with a lock of my messy hair and telling me everything would be okay. It didn't matter if the dressed wound would still be bleeding, or if my former employee threatened to press charges for assault, he would assure me everything would be fine and even though I hardly ever believed him, I did always appreciate him saying that.
I missed him saying that.
I missed him.
AC 206
I blinked and took a deep breath when I surfaced from an odd but quickly forgotten dream, the only remaining trace of it an uneasy feeling in my stomach. All I could see was Duo's chest as he still had me in his arms. I momentarily listened to his breathing and concluded he was awake. "How long have you been awake?" I asked groggily and I pulled one hand from between our bodies to rub my tired eyes. The room was darker than I remembered it being when we entered. I focused on the curtains and noticed faintly the deep orange light struggling to filter through the thick fabric.
"Something like two hours…" He mumbled, then he buried his nose in my hir and took a deep breath. "Good morning by the way," He said with a soft chuckle.
"Is it morning again already?"
"Hm, no, you didn't sleep that long. It's evening. Around seven o'clock, last time I checked."
"Why didn't you wake me?"
"You needed the rest… and I needed to hold you."
I turned in his arms to lie on my back and took another deep breath.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah… You?"
"I'm good," He let out a rumbling laugh. "this morning was amazing." He kissed the top of my head.
"It was," I agreed.
"Yeah? So no regrets then?" He couldn't hide the worried undertone in his voice.
"No."
"I'm glad," He sighed contently.
"Do you want to hit the road and make up for some lost time before it gets too late?"
"No. I was hoping we would spend the night here."
I was hoping he would say that.
"Heero, I know this doesn't necessarily mean that we can get things back to the way they were, or that you would be willing to keep trying after all I've put you through and with all that is about to happen," He paused poignantly, "But I want to thank you for giving me the chance to show you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you."
"I didn't really give you that chance before, did I?" I looked up at him.
"What do you mean?"
"After you had been with Hilde, we didn't split up because we said we would try to mend things between us. I said that I would try. But I have been running interference ever since."
Duo frowned and waited for me to elaborate.
It was time to share with him what had kept me up that night. It was only fair.
"At first it was about my anger towards you, because I felt like you betrayed me," I paused to swallow a lump in my throat, "But after a while I think it unconsciously became an excuse for me. I didn't allow myself to properly grieve the loss of Leander. I shut myself off and I shut you out."
Duo shook his head. "Heero-"
"Please, don't. It's okay," I said. "I thought that if I could just not to feel it, the way I used to not feel things like that, than I would be okay. To do that, to not feel, I had to lock everything inside. I had to shut you out. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just happened. I let it happen. I pushed you away. I didn't listen to you, I didn't talk to you, I didn't touch you or let you touch me, because I was afraid that it would make me feel the pain. But as things got bottled up in an attempt not to feel, the pain just built inside of me and it was like holding back a loaded spring. It was inevitable that I wouldn't be able to hold the pressure down forever. When it released near the anniversary of his death, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that I acted that way and that I felt that way. I thought I no longer had the right to be that upset about it anymore. It seemed like you weren't upset anymore. -"
"I was. I was still upset. I still am."
"I know that now…" I assured him a soft tone. I continued to explain: "I couldn't pull the spring back anymore. Everything was up at the surface, raw and exposed. When you told me what had happened between you and Hilde, everything got mixed up; my feelings about two different events became united to the point that I couldn't tell where one ended and where the other began." I looked at him with conflicted eyes. "I abused your mistake to redo the mourning process."
"Heero…"
I frowned at myself. "I've only recently started to realize that the two feelings were different. But still I cannot untangle one from the other, especially with this baby on the way, they're inextricable."
"Heero, it's fine. I understand." He pressed his forehead against my temple.
My voice trembled when I admitted: "Every time I think about you cheating on me, I think about this baby that is the result of that one night. I think about the baby you and Hilde are going to have and then I can't help but think about the baby that you and I lost."
He tightened his arms around me.
"At that point everything becomes such a mess, that I can't process any of it. I can't get past you cheating on me and I can't get past losing Leander. Shit!" I exclaimed when I felt a tear run down my face.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept repeating that, softly in my ear. The guilt and pain was evident in his voice.
"Aren't you relieved?" I wondered at his tortured tone of voice.
"Relieved?"
"I'm taking part of the blame. I'm saying it wasn't all on you," I clarified.
"No, Heero, I'm not relieved. I don't want you feel to feel that way. I don't want you to take part of the blame and carry that around on top of everything else. You don't need to. You don't deserve that." He pushed himself up on his elbow so he could look me in the eye. "I take the responsibility. I was the one who made a stupid mistake. You made an honest mistake. You were trying to protect yourself from an unbearable pain."
"Well, two mistakes," I reminded him – as if he needed reminding -, "I pushed you away, which is why you had the affair in the first place, because you were dealing with unbearable pain as well and I left you to fend for yourself. And I then I tortured you because I'm still upset about something that wasn't even your fault, something you are equally upset about."
"Heero, it wasn't your fault. I slept with Hilde, that was my mistake, you can't blame yourself for that," He tried to assure me.
I appreciated that he was trying to protect me from more heartache, but I needed him to know that I even though I couldn't admit it to him before, because I was so lost in and confused by my own anger, I could now. I needed him to know that, he deserved to know that. Part of the blame was mine. I needed him to know that because I didn't want him to be tortured any longer. "It wasn't all your fault," I said, hoping that, someday, it would offer him relief.
"Why are you saying this?" He asked with a concerned frown.
I shrugged. "I needed you to know."
"Why would I need to know? And why now?"
I took a deep breath and then explained to him: "The day before yesterday, when we were in the motel room and you called Hilde back?" I waited for his nod, "I was in the bathroom, but I heard what you said. You said that if you'd lose me, you would be nothing, that you wouldn't be able to be a father for this baby… In case this – us – doesn't work out-"
"Heero," He begged breathlessly, a tormented expression in his eyes.
"Please, let me say this. Let me do this," I begged him. "If we don't work out, if we end up losing each other in this, I need you to know that you do not have to carry the blame by yourself. You don't have to torture yourself over it. I needed to say that because I want you to be able to move on and to be a father to this child; to be the great dad you always wanted to be, the great dad that I know you will be." I looked at him and saw that he was crying.
"I don't want to hear about that," He said with breaking voice after a few moments of silence. "I don't want to be preparing for that. I don't want to lose you. There is no preparing for that… If we don't make it… I am worthless without you."
I felt the same way about him, but I didn't tell him that.
He sat up straight in bed. "What if we just went home? Left this all behind?"
"No Duo," I sat up and shook my head at him. "I appreciate that you want to protect my feelings, but you would only hurt me more if you make me the one thing that takes another baby away from you. I know that even though you feel bad, you want this child… and that is okay. I would never want to take that away from you." I pulled him into a hug when I recognized that he really needed me to and I realized I needed it as well. I shed quiet tears. It was upsetting to be talking about what had happened – between Duo and I as well as between Duo and Hilde - but strangely I was also hit by a sense of calm, at finally being able to understand my emotions.
There was a clarity that did not lighten the burden nor did it lift the shroud of mist and darkness from the path before us, but it illuminated the path that we had traveled and I could see our footprints in the sand and see where our steps had faltered. As horrible and guilty as I felt being confronted with the full extent of my own responsibility, there was also relief. Relief that my husband, my lover and my best friend wasn't the bad person I had made him out to be in the wake of his affair and relief that I was right for never having stopped loving him, whether that would or wouldn't make a difference to our future.
"But," He started, choking up and needing a moment to gather his composure, "You are just saying this in case, right? You think we can still make it, right?"
I sighed against his neck. "I don't know."
I had always genuinely hoped that we could, even though I wasn't being exactly helpful to the cause. I didn't want to end our relationship over one stupid and maybe even understandable mistake. Duo cheated, but our love was stronger than that, we could handle that, so we weren't allowed to give up. But matters were more complicated between us than a one-night affair. Our relationship suffered a tragedy that preceded and exceeded an affair.
Friends had warned us. Some couples come together, others grow apart. I was the one who made us part of the latter group, when I selfishly let myself slip away, to protect myself from the heart ache, leaving Duo on his own – I was there, in the same house, yet I wasn't really there.
Maybe what we had been trying to salvage for the past nine months – with the determination that an affair would not end us – was a mere afterimage of a relationship, the way a bright light was still visible on your retina even once you had closed your eyes and were in darkness.
We were in darkness since Valentine's day, AC 205. The day our son was born and also the day our son had died. Maybe 'we' had died that day as well, because I felt like part of me had died. The part of me that was confident that I would never be the soldier again, that I would never be numb inside again, let alone want to be. The part of me that made 'us' work, it seemed. Because 'us' hadn't been working since then. I didn't know how to bring back that part of me, it was such a struggle to find it in the first place.
The relationship that we tried to save was a relationship that was broken a long time ago, between two people that have been broken a long time ago. But we had both closed our eyes to that and had indulged in the illusion that we would make it, if we could just get through this.
But the afterimage was fading and all that would be left was darkness.
I have plenty of insecurities about this chapter but I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope that you've enjoyed it regardless :S
Beta: Zethsaire