Loneliest Road

by ExecutiveShrimp

2x1 (past 2xH), 10 years post-war: Duo and Heero have to travel across America and Duo tries to turn the laden journey into a fun road trip. Their past brought them together. Their future might break them apart.

8. Chapter 8

elle. writes: Thank you for being the first to review the previous chapter. I understand your concerns about whether or not this story could or should have a happy ending. I hope I won't disappoint you :)

Shingamia: Thank you very much for your review, I'm glad the love making scene was appreciated for what I had intended it, to show their love and not just some hot scene. Although I do hope it was also kind of hot :P This chapter you'll find out how the relationship with Hendrik ended, I hope you like the direction it had taken. And thank you very much for your support and your kindness. I have been very blessed with the almost exclusively positive response to all of my stories, which I find truly incredible. I don't mind "Blah blah"s comment, but if someone disagrees with my stories I do like the opportunity to explain my reasoning behind writing a character or plot a certain way, or receive criticism that allows me to grow as an author. A comment that I can make no sense of is no use to the commenter nor is it of any use to me :) But the commenter later explained that he/she was merely trying to encourage me. I definitely agree I need to be kicked in the ass from time to time when it comes to updating, although I am genuinely doing my best. Speaking of "he/she" I am a woman, so now you know :) Thank you again for your kindness, I hope you will like this update :)

Blah blah: That's alright, I agree that sometimes it might seem like I need less-than-subtle encouragement :P Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, I am trying my hardest to update as often as I can, although I realize it sadly doesn't seem like it. I hope you are enjoying the story :) I'm sorry it keeps taking me so long. I truly am.

Hikaru Itsuko: Thank you for reviewing. I will soon fully explain what happened to Leander as it will be the focus of one of the flashbacks :) But I'm going to make you wait a little longer :P This is the last chapter where you'll have to endure the assholery that is Hendrik.

Miss-murdered: What a wonderful review to read, I loved getting your insight into the chapter. I am also glad you are becoming more accepting towards Duo, people have responded so negatively to his indiscretion that I worried people would just continue to hate him :S Thank you very much for your kind comment, I hope this new chapter will not disappoint you.

Frayedsoul: I hope you will think less badly of Duo when the story comes to a close, although his mistake, of course, does not change, further insight in the situation that you will get in the nearing last couple of chapters will hopefully make his indiscretion a little less angering. Thank you for easing my mind about the previous chapter, I guess it's just in an author's nature to worry. This chapter you will read how the relationship with Hendrik ended, I hope to hear about your thoughts on that. Thanks again for reviewing :)

Shenlong1: Thank you for your review! I really appreciate getting to read your thoughts on the story. I don't know what else to say, I'm just really grateful you took the time to leave a review :) Thank you.

Chibichocopaws: I figured no fic is complete with some lemon (there is more in this chapter :P). It's good that you dislike Hendrik, you are supposed to :) This chapter his relationship with Heero comes to an end, I hope you will like the direction I have taken with that. Fortunately I have never experienced the loss of a child (I have not (yet?) attempted to have children), but I'm "glad" (that sounds like such a wrong way to put it) that the emotional portrayal is accurate. I think it is a combination of having to live through my fair share of different kinds of heartache and my education, which brings me in contact with emotional cases. I'm "glad" it is accurate because I wouldn't want to demean such a situation by horribly failing to convey what it would be like. Thank you very much for your wonderful and abundant compliments, it truly means a lot to me. To warn you: there is some further mention of Leander in this chapter, but not too much.

Pikeebo: I don't want to sound rude, but I'm flattered the chapter brought you to tears :) And thank you for your compliments. Obviously I can't say anymore without spoiling the story for you, so I hope you will read and enjoy this chapter and perhaps let me know what you thought of it :) Thank you very much for reviewing :)

Chezas4wulf: Yikes, you do not think too highly of Duo then? :P I hope he will earn more of your understanding sooner or later. Thank you for taking the time to leave reviews :)

CircleKV12: Thank you for your review! I'm really happy to read you enjoyed the previous chapter :) The flashbacks are on Heero's mind at the moment they interrupt the present-day story. Probably not in the same amount of detail, but he is thinking of those moments. I interwove the present day with the past because firstly I figured people would like to know what happened in the ten years that I skipped over (so they are more or less for the readers benefit as well :P) but also because this story is titled "Loneliest Road" and his journey towards self-discovery in those ten years after the war was another "loneliest road" that he had to travel and as such it ties in with the theme of the story, as in the present day he also feels alone, distanced from Duo. I'm very happy and grateful you are still reading this story and I hope you will enjoy this newest update :)

ColorCoated: Thank you very much for your review! You are very kind. I'm glad you are enjoying the story and feeling for Heero, he has certainly been through a lot (i.e: I put him through a lot :S).

---

Author's note:

Alright, I'll admit that I envisioned this part of the story differently than it came out, but after mulling over it for way too long now I realize this is just the way it is going to be. You should probably be happy because one of the changes is that this chapter isn't going to end with the major cliffhanger that I originally had in mind :P Seriously though, I really hope you will enjoy this chapter and I hope you've enjoyed the story so far and are still enjoying the direction that it is taking. This story is surprisingly close to wrapping up. Although I do plan to stick a sequel/epilogue right on the end, but that will probably be no longer than a chapter or two. So, because people always seem to be interested in knowing how much longer a story is going to be (I think the "Are we there yet?" question is very appropriate for a road-trip story :P) I guesstimate 2 more chapters, not including the "sequel".

Now that this story is on the home stretch, I am really excited about it, not in the least because it means I can finally start working more seriously and devotedly on my new projects, as I said: I won't start a new story until one of my WIP's is completed. I have already cracked out plots for: a fantasy story, a heist/undercover story, a shipwreck story, a post-war story and a cowboy/crime story. So hopefully my excitement about starting work on something new will finally get me to update more frequently. My summer vacation just started and although I have to move during the summer, I have more free time that I hope to be able to put to good use.

So, finally, it is important that you know this chapter has not yet been beta'd (by anyone more capable than yours truly). I emailed my beta a couple of days ago but haven't had a response yet and I just HAD to get this chapter out there because I have some momentum going now that I don't want to interfere with and if I don't post it I'll just continue fussing over this story and I won't be able to focus on anything new (like the long awaited next installment for Brothers).

Okay. I'm done now.

Really I'm done.

No more rambling from me.

Nu-uh.

Done.

Seriously, I don't think RedBull affects me, like… at all.

:P

---

Oh yeah:

WARNING: This chapter includes sexual content. In their brief description of "Rating M", FFN has not managed to make clear to me what is accepted and appropriate under this rating and what is taking it too far. This time I really fear that I may have and I've "neutralized" it as much as I could, but I felt it was such an integral part of both Heero's relationship with Hendrik and Heero's relationship with Duo that I had to at least try the chapter like this and see how readers react. Please, if you feel I have interpreted the guidelines too liberal, let me know and I will adjust the sexual content accordingly. If that is not the case, then by all means: enjoy!

---

Loneliest Road

Chapter 8

- Don't bother asking for directions. Nobody knows where they are going. -

---

The air in the cheap motel room was stale, my mouth was dry. It was only late afternoon but outside it was dark, thick rainclouds had rolled over the landscape and sheets of water plummeted onto the cracked ground and baking asphalt. Droplets rifled against the windowpane like someone feverishly knocking to be let in. I could barely look outside, the rain poured so heavily down the glass that everything beyond was distorted beyond recognition. Our car was nothing but a formless swipe of mint green on a canvas consisting mostly of dark greys and muted blues.

The door opened after I had already pinpointed familiar footsteps coming up the walkway.

Duo stood on the doormat and shook water off his coat and out of his hair, much like a dog. He set the grocery bag, with the gas-station logo on it, down on the floor and patted more droplets off his clothes.

"It's crazy," He mumbled. "I talked to the cashier and he said the rainstorm stretches for miles along the highway and won't let up for a while." He shook his coat off his shoulders and sat down on the bed with the groceries in his lap, rummaging through them.

We had planned to leave the motel early that morning. The first of the rain started to fall as we took turns taking showers and got dressed. By the time we were ready to leave we hurried over to the car in the pouring rain, only to discover that the removable canvas roof of the convertible was as waterproof as a sieve. The droplets steadily made their way through the degraded material. The inside of the car was soaking wet. Neither of us realized it until we sat down in the pools in both leather seats and got our asses wet. Clearly driving with rivulets of rain coming down on us was not something we would enjoy. Seeing as we were far ahead of schedule, we quickly made the unanimous decision to wait the storm out, figuring that a freak rainstorm like that couldn't last all that long.

The first hour or two we waited at the picnic table under the elongated roof of the gas station. When the rain hadn't let up by then, we paid to have a room for another day and night, to have a place to wait out the storm in privacy, still expecting to be able to leave relatively soon. We certainly didn't think we would be spending the night, but apparently the motel thought itself too classy to rent by the hour.

But the afternoon was getting late, coming to an end and Duo had gone out to get food and drinks to prepare for dinner. Of the two of us I was the most anxious to get out of there. Being in that very room – it was actually a different room than the one we spent the night in, but it looked exactly the same – reminded me of the heartfelt conversation of the previous night and our lovemaking before that. It made my heart feel heavier still. Duo's heartbroken voice still echoed in my ears. I wished more than anything to have an answer that would console him, I wished I felt confident that we could make it. But I didn't know what was going to happen, I anticipated that once we would reach Washington D.C. the whole situation would just become more unbearable to me. How could I possibly stay with Duo, stay by his side and watch him raise a child – a child we desperately wanted – knowing that it was not ours, not mine, but theirs.

Even if what Duo said was true, that he didn't love Hilde the way he loved me, there was always something that connected the two – something that made her risk her life for him, something that made him go live with her after the war, something that drove him to her after our most horrible fight - and once that child would be born there always would be something that connected them. That child would call him 'daddy' and would call her 'mommy'. Their mutual love for that child would bond them for a lifetime, regardless of whether or not it was a romantic bond. How could I stand there and be witness to that? How could I watch him share this beautiful thing with the woman we once thought he loved and clearly cared for deeply, still. Watch them share that same thing that I had wanted to share with him and was once going to; that beautiful thing that ended up being very ugly to us, in the way that it ended, or rather: in the way that it never was.

But then again, how could I ever not be with him? He was such an inextricable part of me. I truly felt that without his presence by my side, I would not be me, I would be an incomplete version of myself, missing the very best parts of myself: my love for him and how I was when I was with him.

"Look what I got for dessert."

I turned my gaze away from the window and looked at him holding up two candy bars, one of which being my favorite chocolate and caramel treat, which was no coincidence.

"They didn't have yours at the gas station but they were in the vending machine down the hall." He seemed very pleased with his find and worked hard expressing that, to lighten the mood, which had been dark and dreary like the rain storm, ever since yesterday.

"What's the main course?"

"Well, sir, the specials of the day are a turkey sandwich with a side salad and a banana and a tuna sandwich, also with side salad, and an apple."

"Wonderful," I accepted the turkey sandwich, small salad and banana. "Please give my compliments to the chef."

We ate our dinner in silence. There were only two kinds of words that could have been spoken and neither appealed to either of us. There were the empty words with which we vainly pretended that everything was alright, although we were aware we could fool neither ourselves nor the other. And there were the true words, not always harsh but somehow always painful. They had already been said, there was no sense for us to suffer that pain once more.

When we were done I gathered up the plastic wrappings, the apple core and the banana peel in the plastic grocery bag and announced that I would be throwing it away in a trash bin outside, just so the small left-overs wouldn't start to fill the room with their smell.

In spite of the rain it was a relief to be outside. The downpour had cooled the air that was gently stirred by a soft breeze, the same soft breeze that made the rainclouds pass so terribly slowly.

I breathed in the smell of rain, it felt like the first breath of fresh air in too long a time. I headed towards the trash bin just outside the motel room at the very end of the walkway, that had been converted into lobby with reception desk. I idled about for a little bit. From afar I studied the convertible, not knowing what to feel. Was I grateful that the mint green monstrosity had stayed my execution for one more day? Or did it leave me impatient? After all, there was limited difference between an inevitable end one day and an inevitable end the other day.

It did truly feel like an end, I acknowledged. Whether or not Duo and I could manage to stay to together, everything would change, regardless. Duo would change. He would not be the Duo I needed him to be, the Duo that completed me, the Duo that was the better part of me. He would be the Duo that his child needed him to be and the Duo that the mother of his child needed him to be. For that I could hardly blame him. I had denied it in dark episodes of grief and anger, but Duo was a good person, in spite of what his mistake had done to me and to us. He would be torn between doing what would be right for us and what would be right for them – for Hilde and for their child. Eventually, the child would have to come first, he would resist it at first, out of loyalty to me, but I knew him to be the kind of man who would become a father who would sacrifice anything for the wellbeing and happiness of his child. Wrong as it was, I would be consumed with jealousy, I knew. I had become selfish like that, because I needed him, of that I was well aware.

After all, what was I without him? The type of person I had been without him, I did not like. I started as a stoic soldier, an analytical, soulless being who, once free of the duty of war, became a survivor in the most primal, least humane way possible. I even killed a man, because those were my instincts, years of training that I could not suppress manifested itself as shadows in my heart, making the distinction between right and wrong invisible to me. Next, I treated myself as an experiment, naïve to think that someone would prod or prick me in such a way as to bring me to life. In search of answers I let a man control me, I let a man touch me, I let a man rape me. Over and over.

That was what I was without Duo. Weak, barely human, tainted. Part killer, part victim. The possibility that I would revert back to that sickened me, but a possibility it was, if not a probability. All that separated me from being that dark shadow of an actual person was my love for Duo and his love for me and our life together, as one. I needed him. It had taken me a while to realize that, but once the realization hit it was a powerful thing.

---

AC 198

The sound of a cluster of heavy keys being dropped right outside the apartment door startled me out of a deep sleep, filled with dreams – dreams of Duo. I had been dreaming of him a lot lately. I enjoyed those dreams and disliked them being interrupted.

I shot upright in the big bed in the center of the space, darkness all around me, but my senses were keen. The keys scratched the concrete floor as they were picked up by a lazy, uncoordinated hand. On the other side of the door someone mumbled.

Of course it was Hendrik.

I shot a glance at the alarm clock. He was home early, the alarm hadn't even had the chance to wake me in time to prepare myself. Hendrik loathed it when I wasn't up, waiting for him. He made it clear to me how selfish it was of me not to welcome him back after he spent the night earning money to take care of me.

With movements as fast and precise as the attack of a rattle snake I switched off the alarm so it wouldn't go off later and leaped out of bed towards the nearest light switch.

Cold, industrial light flooded the grey-toned studio apartment.

On my way to the kitchen table, where I usually waited for him, I paused briefly by the floor to ceiling mirror and ran a hurried hand through my hair to tame the wayward mop, at least to a degree where it wasn't obvious I had been tossing and turning – and moaning no doubt – in bed for the last few hours.

Sex dreams about Duo were common. Luckily I had never said his name aloud in my sleep in the presence of Hendrik. Although Hendrik used to encourage me to open up about the 'relationship' I had with the braided American, it quickly appeared that he had heard enough and he didn't like me speaking of Duo in any context any more. I had no doubt he would not appreciate finding out I had sexual thoughts of my former comrade. Not mentioning him became one of the new rules, introduced promptly during a conversation when I was reminiscing about the silly things Duo would do to get my attention – of course never revealing to Hendrik how we met and what we were doing spending all that time together. It was a difficult rule to obey, because the subject of Duo was pretty much all I was interested in talking about. But Hendrik said Duo made the choice to be free of me, so I should choose to be free of him.

It made sense, even if it caused an inexplicable pain in my chest. It seemed that I missed him. My affections for my former comrade were stronger than ever, I caught myself thinking of him and dreaming of and speaking of him – to myself in the lonely loft – more often than I could ever safely admit to Hendrik. I presumed Hendrik breathing life into my sexually had awakened some kind of formerly dormant attraction to Duo. I remembered different things about him now than I used to, like how his clothes fit him and how his chestnut hair glistened bronze in the sunsets we had quietly shared. I had never consciously noticed those details before, but I must have been paying attention to them, for them to be available to my memory.

Enough already, I inwardly berated myself. Sometimes when Hendrik looked at me an irrational fear crept over me that he could tell my mind was elsewhere; in shared dorm rooms and cold space crafts.

I took my seat at the kitchen table just as the door swung open and Hendrik stumbled in.

In the first couple of weeks he never came home drunk from work, but lately it had been a rule rather than an exception.

I rose from the chair and approached him by way of routine. Once I was within reach of him he reached out big, greedy hands and grasped me at my waist and pulled me against him. He buried his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply. How he was able to smell anything other than the alcohol on his breath was a mystery to me.

"Hmmm," He groaned appreciatively.

I stopped myself from wincing. His fingers were digging into my sides painfully.

"Did you like the latest pictures?" He asked, grinding his hips against me, making his erection apparent.

"They are very good," I replied, even though I still did not understand his hobby, let alone was able to qualify what was good or bad.

"I know they are good," He slurred with a chuckle of hot breath against my neck as he started to kiss me all over. "But did you like them?"

Not knowing in the least what he wanted from me, I just said: "Of course." I didn't really know what I thought of the pictures or what I was supposed to think. As always, they were just pictures of me, naked, in most I was having sex with him, in some I was masturbating at his request and in others I was doing mundane household chores. They didn't mean anything to me. They didn't make me think anything. They didn't make me feel anything.

It was clear though that Hendrik thought they were all very special and frequently he would print out his favorites and leave them on the coffee table for me to see while he went to the bar to work. I didn't think it would be right to insult his hobby by stating my apathy for the pictures.

"My favorite is the one where you are on all fours and I'm pounding my big dick into you."

I searched my memory for the image of that particular photo. I had really only briefly glanced at the latest set, completely disinterested. I did remember the picture he was talking about. What struck me as odd was that my face wasn't in that picture – it was just my ass, my sweaty back and the back of my head. I didn't know what that meant or why that stood out to me, but there it was, the realization that he liked me best without my face.

"You have such a tiny waist," He growled, clutching at my sides. "And such an awesome ass," He punctuated his statement by moving his hands down and squeezing my behind.

Even though I thought they were compliments, I didn't really care for them. I much preferred and promptly remembered the compliments Duo would give, about my intelligence, my agility and my combat skills.

"Aren't you going to thank me for complimenting you?" He insisted.

"Sorry. Thank you."

"Uh uh. That won't do. I know how you can thank me." He pushed me back and looked into my eyes hungrily. "Take off your clothes and go lie on the bed."

"On my back or on my stomach?" I questioned monotonously. Usually he instructed me to lie on my stomach, because we almost exclusively had sex with my back towards him, hardly ever face to face. I thought of the picture again, the picture of my back. Strange, why would I still be thinking about that?

"On your back," He answered curtly.

I raised an eyebrow in surprise but didn't question his decision. I moved back to the bed I had jumped out of only a short while ago, shedding my clothes as I went. I still preferred to sleep in my underwear and a T-shirt when Hendrik wasn't present to enforce the rule of sleeping in the nude.

I lay myself down on the bed, on my back, my knees bent and raised, my feet planted firmly on the mattress, slightly apart so he could sit between my legs. I stared up at the ceiling and listened to him struggling to get out of his clothes, losing myself to my thoughts and brief flashes of a pleasant dream that had been disrupted. My entire body stiffened when his heavy belt buckle fell to the floor right by the bed and surprised me.

Hendrik stepped out of his jeans and climbed onto the bed, between my legs. With his long, muscled arm he reached over and got the tube of lube from the nightstand where it was always handy. He poured a liberal amount into his hand and rubbed it over his sizeable arousal and with his slippery fingers he wiped along my opening.

I was not even close to being aroused, but that was not a requirement for the submissive partner during sex, so Hendrik assured me. After the first few times he never bothered to get me hard or in the mood, though that didn't necessarily mean I didn't enjoy it. I usually got hard after a while and he never made any protests when I reached down to relieve myself. I hardly ever found my release before he was long done but it would feel like a welcome relief when I would come, with him lying next to me, panting from previous exertion.

Sitting back on his calves he grabbed my hips and pulled me down the bed towards him and raised my ass into his lap. Without much ado he pushed into me, letting out a raspy moan.

The pain from the coupling was something I was familiar with and used to. The discomfort of the position he had me in, with my shoulders on the bed, but my lower body raised up, was something I feared I wouldn't be able to get past. My lower back throbbed painfully with each powerful thrust.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to distance myself from the pain. I searched my mind for something to distract me and the image of Duo came to mind unbidden. Although ashamed to be thinking of the former Gundam Pilot while having sex with someone else, I welcomed the vision.

He was smiling at me, the way only Duo had ever smiled at me. He was never uncomfortable around me, or at a loss of words. I never intimidated him, not even when I intended to. He wasn't frightened, nor put off by my stoic personality. Sometimes – I dared to think – he sought me out specifically to enjoy my quiet presence. And this was one of those times. In the vision I was in a bedroom. It looked like those dorms where we spent so much time, but it didn't look like one in particular, more like a blend: the wall color from one school, the desk from another, the high ceilings from yet another. It didn't matter. He came into my room and smiled at me.

"Ohhh! Heero!" Hendrik ground out.

His voice was but a mere whisper coming through a comfortable, protective mist.

Duo walked up to me. I was sitting on the bed, I didn't know why. Bright sunlight was pouring in through stained glass windows so it was clearly daytime, no time for me to be sitting on the bed.

Duo sat next to me. Close. Very close. Close enough for our shoulders and our knees to touch. He did that often when we were alone. I never understood why.

"I always thought of you as more than a friend," Duo whispered in my ear with hot breath. He told me that in the hospital in Luxembourg, but now, for some reason, he was telling me in my sleepless dream.

"What does that mean?" I asked him, like I wish I had in that hospital room. Because I didn't know what that meant back then. I had a better understanding of it now – although not completely -, because I had come to realize I liked him more than a friend too. What exactly that entailed still eluded me, but I knew it involved touching and kissing and I liked that.

"It means this," Duo said with a grin and he gently took hold of my chin to tilt my face as his lips neared mine.

Heat and cold shot through me at the same time when our lips met. I arched my back and moaned in response.

"Oh yeah, pretty doll," Hendrik grunted. "You like that, don't you?"

Hendrik didn't exist to me. I was in the past, before I had ever met him. Only Duo existed. Only Duo mattered.

Duo's hand released my chin and trailed down the length of my throat to my chest, that was mostly exposed by my ill-fitting tank top. One by one he slid the straps off my shoulders with sensuous caresses of the sensitized skin. The top slipped down to my midriff, the bands around my elbows. He placed his hand, digits spread out, on the center of my chest, on my sternum. The heat from his palm and the very tips of his fingers caused me to break the kiss to moan softly. Then his hand moved to the left and his thumb flicked a nipple. I moaned again, louder this time and overcome with pleasurable sensations I captured his mouth with mine, seeking more.

"Pretty doll," A deep voice whispered.

"Ohh, give me more!" I begged, unabashedly needy.

"Yesss…" Someone eagerly hissed in response.

"Ah!" I gasped when Duo's warm hand against my chest pushed me down to lie flat on the bed. He lay down too, half next to me, half on top of me; one thigh between my legs.

"I'll give you everything you need," Duo said kindly, placing kisses down my neck. "Everything you want."

"I want you!" I was practically sobbing in this vision. My heart clenched and my fingertips ached.

"Hmmm, you're not usually so vocal. I like it."

How Duo managed to speak while his tongue continuously teased one of my nipples was beyond me but I wasn't about to question anything.

"Say my name," He requested, pausing his ministrations to look up at me mischievously. His fingers started toying with both my nipples simultaneously.

I was embarrassed to, biting my lower lips to prevent an obscene amount of moans and whimpers from escaping me.

"Say my name."

I shuddered with pleasure. "Duo," I whispered. As soon as I said his name I realized how good it felt coming from my lips, so with more passion I exclaimed his name again: "Duo!"

A sudden, stinging pain in my cheek drew me out of that unspecified dorm room and I found myself laying on my back in a mostly concrete studio apartment in the Netherlands, Hendrik towering over me, his hand – with which he had slapped me across the face – was still in the air.

My eyes were wide, I recognized I was frightened, a mostly unfamiliar sensation. I drew in sharp breaths through my nose as I otherwise lay perfectly still, staring up at him. Hendrik looked very angry. He was still between my legs, still inside me, his other hand, on my hips, would leave dark bruises as it gripped at the slightly protruding bone.

His open hand slapped me again. He could have hurt me more by forming his hand into a fist, but I think the purpose was not only to hurt me but also to demean me, by slapping me.

"How dare you," He seethed. He brought both his hands up and wrapped them around my neck, the grip getting tighter and tighter as he anger failed to fade. "How dare you!"

I remained still, even as it became more difficult to breathe. I didn't know what he wanted of me, I had the suspicion apologizing would only belittle my mistake in his eyes and make him all the more enraged.

"I told you to never say his name ever again!" He shouted. Then his voice became eerily calm. "And yet now, of all times, you say it? Are you stupid? Do you want me to kill you?"

Maybe, I thought with a slight frown. I didn't know.

"Because I could kill you right now."

I gasped once and then my airway was completely cut off. I could easily free myself from his grip, but I wasn't sure if I should and if I wanted to. Maybe I should die.

"You shouldn't ever speak of that filthy rat. He is a worthless piece of shit who is too stupid to appreciate a fine ass when it's right there," He growled.

My gaze steeled.

"He is a fucking idiot who should be taught some lessons himself."

Something was growing in my chest. My eyes narrowed and Hendrik continued to insult Duo, saying horrible things about him that I knew weren't true. I didn't like him saying those things about Duo. I didn't like it at all! He shouldn't be saying that! It wasn't true!

I brought my hands up and encircled his thick wrists with my fingers. Hendrik was strong, he was a big man, but as my resentment for his baseless accusations continued to grow I found the strength to pull his hands away from my throat and I could finally breathe and talk again. "Don't speak of him like that!"

Hendrik was surprised at my strength and angry at me talking back. "He is worthless and you know it. I hope someone fucking kills him up on L2. Stab him and leave him for dead like a diseased rat. I wish I was there to kill him, but not before I fucked this weak pussy until he pleaded me to end his miserable life!"

"Get out!" I screamed hoarsely and started to fight his hands more sincerely. "GET OUT!"

All this time Hendrik had still been inside me, still erect, leading me to believe he was actually enjoying choking me and talking shit about Duo.

When he wouldn't oblige I drew my knees up to my chest and planted my feet against his abdomen. With one powerful move I thrust him back, causing him to fall over the footboard and off the bed. I was enraged, I realized, something I had never experienced before. I wanted to kill Hendrik for the awful things he had said about Duo. I got to my feet and rushed over to him while he was still on his back on the floor, groaning from the impact. I fell to my knees, straddling him. That moment, I wasn't myself, I was convinced. I was standing across the room, watching this version of Heero ball his hands into fists and starting to hit Hendrik in the face.

Hendrik fought back against Heero, but the first blow that impacted his skull already left him dazed and weakened and in spite of his advantage of being bigger and likely much stronger than Heero, he couldn't fight him off. After a few weak blows to Heero's stomach, his big hands fell to his sides and he became unresponsive.

Heero kept hitting him and screaming and I watched with growing horror.

I was sucked back into my own body and I found myself sitting on top of an unconscious Hendrik, exhausted, my bloodied knuckles hurting and tears streaming down my face. With shaky legs I climbed off his big body and fell to the floor next to him. I coughed and gagged and then threw up what little I had in my stomach. The sudden surge of emotions was so powerful my entire body was affected. I was overcome with a paradox. More than anything I wanted Duo to be there, to hold me, to comfort me. Yet at the same time I would never want him to see me like that, so dirty and vile; an abused, angry animal.

"I always thought of you as more than a friend," Duo's soothing voice whispered in my head.

I finally truly understood what he meant, because I felt it too. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted our bodies to be one and for him to erase that I was ever one with Hendrik. The feelings were so strong I knew they surpassed mere physical desires.

There it was. I finally felt something. I had felt rage and now I felt longing, a longing so strong that I wouldn't be surprised if it was what people called love. I was alive. I was feeling. It hurt, but at the same time, it was incredible.

It turned out that although I was misguided, I had not been mistaken in thinking Hendrik was my only hope at feeling. It hadn't happened the way I had expected, but it was a welcome relief nonetheless.

I had to see him. I had to see Duo. If this is what he felt for me, now that I felt this way for him we had to be together. I had to tell him that he was more than a friend to me too. I had to tell him that I understood now, that I was ready now! I needed him close to me.

Determined not to let this epiphany fade away I decided that I had to follow through.

I got up from the floor and checked the still unconscious Hendrik. He was going to be fine, although in a lot of pain once he would wake up. I had broken his jaw and his left eye socket. I covered him up with a blanket and then started to dress myself and packing the remainder of my clothing in my trusty old duffel bag. The printed photographs I burned in the marble bathroom sink and then I hacked into his computers and removed all images of myself, using a program I had used many times during the war I was even able to remove the pictures of myself that I discovered to have been put onto some voyeuristic porn sight. I doubted Hendrik would bring the police into this, seeing as he was a cocaine dealer on the side and his job at the bar clearly didn't cover the expenses of the loft, but to be sure I had to erase all images of me. DNA traces and fingerprints didn't concern me, seeing as I didn't actually exist. There was no record of me. But a picture might possibly be useful to identify me.

I took a handful of money from Hendrik's secret stash of drug money, enough to pay for a train ticket to the Rotterdam spaceport and a shuttle ticket to L2. Right before I left I called emergency services so Hendrik would quickly receive medical attention.

In a matter of a couple of hours I was at the Rotterdam spaceport with a ticket in my hand, seated on one of the benches, waiting for the next flight out. I would have to wait seven hours. I was anxious to get there, eager to see his face and to hear his voice. I was nervous also, I could use the waiting period and the long flight to figure out what I was going to say, if I would ever even be able to find the right words. I could barely get my thoughts in order, emotions that I didn't know I was capable of had been unleashed and governed me, derailing any rational train of thought that might attempt to cut through the minefield of conflicting and confusing emotions.

I fidgeted with the strap of my duffel bag, which was small enough for me to be allowed to take with me as carry-on luggage. My whole life was in that bag and it was embarrassingly meager, but it dawned on me that I carried much heavier baggage with me than a couple of sets of fresh clothes. Maybe it wasn't right to confront Duo with that weight, there were probably many reasons why I should have walked out of that spaceport, but Rationale can't argue with Emotion, let alone win, because Emotion cheats.

"Shuttle M-42115 to L2 spaceport B will now start boarding. Please have your boarding passes at hand."

I looked up at the announcement and was a little shocked when I only then noticed that the skies outside had grown dark except for the bright disc of the moon. Much time had passed without me even being aware of it. Numbly I rose to my feet and retrieved my boarding pass from an outer pocket of my bag. I joined the line that had formed at the gate and slowly shuffled towards the front desk. The line wasn't very long. Even after all the time that had passed, L2 was still an unpopular destination. The ticket had been ridiculously cheap, something I had not expected.

"Have a nice flight, sir," A proper lady said and handed me back my boarding pass. "A flight attendant at the door will show you to your seat."

I nodded and said my thanks, although I was confident I could perfectly well find seat 26-C by myself.

The flight attendant at the shuttle door pointed me in the direction of my seat with a sweet smile and a polite greeting. I stuffed my bag into the overhead compartment and sagged into the second-class aisle-seat of the relatively small space shuttle. Sweaty palms gripped the armrests. I never liked flying when I wasn't personally at the controls – a clear trust-issue -, with the exception of Duo, but only after I had observed he was an excellent pilot; a case could be made that he was better than me concerning the finesse of flying a space craft.

The man and woman next to me looked to be an older couple. The man looked at my hands – betraying my apprehension – and then looked up at me with a smile that was meant to soothe me, but he was unable to ease my mind.

"First time flying, laddie?"

"No," I replied curtly. My nervousness for the flight was compounded with my nervousness about seeing Duo again and collectively the feeling left me a bit queasy.

Take-off, flight and landing was uneventful, even when passing through the atmosphere we were met with little turbulence. I swiftly made my way through customs at the nearly deserted spaceport. L2 really wasn't a place where many people liked to be.

Using an online directory I quickly located the scrapyard where I trusted Duo would still be. It was one of only two scrapyards and, being owned by Hilde's uncle, had her last name in it. Still having plenty of money left I took a taxi to the address. It turned out to be only a short ride from the spaceport.

Within the colony it was dark. There were few streetlights and many buildings that we passed appeared to be abandoned. At least the cab driver wasn't interested in small-talk, for which I was grateful. He kept his mouth busy sucking on the thick cigar in the corner of his mouth, blue smoke filling the front of the car on the other side of the plastic partition. The car jolted to a sudden stop in front of a tall iron bar gate. A single floodlight in the distance illuminated a mountain of scrap metal but for the most part the yard was completely dark. Just beyond the gate was a little building, it appeared to be several shipping containers stacked on top of each other, creating office space, with makeshift doors and windows cut into the steel walls. At the top of the narrow staircase, in the top container, a light was on.

I stared at it, wondering if he could be right there, just sitting there. My heart pounded.

"What are you waiting for?" The driver demanded gruffly, his speech a little awkward with the heavy cigar pinched between his lips. "Pay me and get the fuck out!"

I pushed the right amount of bills through the opening in the partition and then jumped out of the car. I shut the door quietly, not ready yet to alert whoever it was up there to my presence. I had to gather my composure first.

I stood before the gate and looked up at the barbed wire coiled around the top, a single streetlight looking down on me from beyond the grizzly deterrent to burglars. I took hold of the cold bars and peered into the darkness. I could see nothing but the vague shapes of mounds of scrapped material, with only the tallest one in the distance, at about the center of the yard, being illuminated.

I blinked when I felt something wet hit my cheek. Surely I wasn't crying? Another drop fell, to my chin and then I felt more, on the top of my head and on my shoulders. Apparently that night, of all nights, the weather system of L2 was set to the periodical rain to irrigate what little nature there was left growing in the colony and – perhaps more so – to provide its residents the comforting illusion that their colony was just as good as earth, in all its freshness and unpredictability.

Before long I was soaked and I imagined so must be the inside of my duffel bag that I had sat down at my feet, but I couldn't bring myself to take action, yet. I had vastly underestimated how difficult this was going to be, even though I had previously thought the opposite. While waiting in the Rotterdam spaceport and during the flight, I had been convinced I was overreacting.

A shape that moved through the dark startled me and in a hurry I decided to call out. I had to do something at some point. "Hello?" I focused my eyes on the figure that froze a few feet away from the gate. I couldn't see much, only that the tall person had the collar of his or her jacket pulled all the way over their head in an attempt to stay moderately dry in the unexpected downpour. I could hear the heavy drops of water from the overhead irrigation system hit the canvas material of the jacket.

Facing a lack of response I explained: "I'm looking for someone."

The person adjusted the jacket to the way it should be worn, apparently no longer caring about getting wet and started towards me.

Although I still couldn't see much of the figure other than the silhouette, my heart started pounding. My hands slipped from the bars and I took a step back. I was still in the light of the streetlamp and I waited for the other to step into the light as well, but from the way my stomach inexplicably felt, visual recognition was only a formality at that point. "Duo?" My question sounded hopeful. I had never heard my voice like that.

Finally he stepped into the beam of light that drew a circle on the wet ground, with the shadow of the gate cutting through the center.

"Duo." Not a question that time, but a breath of relief as I laid eyes on him.

He stood still, shell-shocked, and I drank the sight of him, completely caught off guard by how amazing it was to just see him again.

He was taller than I remembered, he had outgrown me by about a foot. He was more muscular too, he must have been doing a lot of physical work. He dressed differently as well; underneath the navy blue jacket he wore a simple white T-shirt, with perhaps the scrapyard logo somewhere, underneath the open coat. His long legs were dressed in baggy jeans that were tucked into big, steel toed shoes. His posture was sturdy, if a little hesitant, his broad shoulders erased his previous, boyish quality.

But his face was exactly the way I remembered it and for that I was glad. He still looked young and open, with big honest eyes and long bangs framing his face – now sticking to his forehead, heavy with rain.

I realized he was taking in the sight of me the same way I was studying him and I became self-conscious although I tried to be aloof. I wondered what he saw. I hoped not too much. I hoped he would just look into my eyes and recognized me as someone he used to consider as "more than a friend".

"Heero, what… How… I don't understand," He stammered as he stepped closer to the gate, clearly in a daze.

His voice was deeper than in my memories, it caused a novel tingle to travel down my spine, then settle in my stomach. "I needed to see you." I said a little sheepishly, worried that my presence may not be appreciated.

"No, don't think you're unwelcome!" He assured me, as if he'd read my mind. "I'm happy to see you. Very happy! I'm just… surprised."

He was very near to the gate now and with each step that he had come closer my heart had started beating more wildly.

"To be honest, when you dropped off the grid I didn't think I would ever hear from you again…" He sounded forlorn. "God. It's so great to see you," His gaze moved up and down my body. I must have looked horrible, disheveled and tired, but his eyes seemed to enjoy the sight. "Wait right here, I'm going to get the key for the gate."

"Wait!" I said before he could move away.

His eyes were questioning.

"I have something to say and it's probably best to just say it now, right away."

"But… but the keys are right up there," He nodded towards the converted container where the light was on.

"No, it's better this way." I stepped back up to the gate and held the bars.

Duo stepped closer as well. Concern was evident on his features.

"I've been thinking a lot about you," I started, "These past two years."

"I've been thinking a lot about you!" He returned enthusiastically. "I've missed you! I've looked for you! I'm so happy to see you again!"

A smile appeared on my lips at his genuine kindness.

Duo fell silent and he stared at me. "And I'm even happier to see you smile…" He remarked and stepped up to the gate. He was so close now, if the gate hadn't been between us I would have probably deemed it inappropriate and likely so would he have.

"It's a recent development. I'm only smiling because I'm so happy to see you."

He smiled back at me warmly.

"I've been… I've been looking for something." I struggled to find the right words to express myself and speaking was made all the more difficult by my constricting throat. Not even when Hendrik was choking me – the bruises invisible in the shadow under my jaw - did I feel so much like I was suffocating to death. "I was looking for something – no: someone, someone who would make me feel. Who would bring me to life."

A deep frown formed on his face and he looked almost sad, but resigned.

"And today I finally realized that I did find that person."

He started nodding slowly, looking away.

"It's you," I confessed.

His gaze snapped back up at me. To say he was shocked was to resort to euphemisms.

"In the hospital you said that you had always thought of me as more than a friend. I didn't really know what that meant. But I know now. I understand. I feel it too," I rushed to explain. To say the words was a relief. "I wasn't ready then, I didn't know how to get myself to feel, but I feel now. I'm ready. And maybe it is meant to be, for us to be together. It just took me a while to catch up with you. I-" I paused, nearly out of breath. "I think I love you."

Duo reverted back to a state of pure shock at my outpour of emotionally laden words.

Worried that I had failed to convey the depth of my feelings with my inadequate, unpracticed words, I slipped a hand through the bars of the gate and wrapped it around the back of his neck, pulling his face towards me and I met him half way. Our lips met between the iron bars and I kissed him desperately and passionately. He kissed me back, although just barely, he seemed to be holding back, he seemed to be distracted, but my heart leapt regardless.

We parted and he whispered my name solemnly.

"I love you," I stated firmly. I was certain. "I need to be with you."

He sighed. He was clearly torn between elation and regret. "Heero…" He repeated and then he looked down.

My heart started beating even faster, but not in the pleasant way it had before.

"I've wanted nothing more than to hear you say that…" He trailed off.

But? My heart clenched painfully.

"I'm with Hilde," Duo said and he unconsciously looked up at the single light in the top container.

Hilde. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't even thought of her in all honesty. I thought that when Duo said he had always thought of me as more than a friend, that it meant he always would. I had believed that my inability to connect with my emotions and with others was all that stood in our way. But of course… Hilde. And she was right up there!

How could I have expected him not to move on, after I pushed him away and never contacted him again, breaking my promise to him? And how misguided of me to think that Duo would choose me over Hilde! I am but damaged goods, in need of his attentive repair. I cannot give him anything, how could I possibly hope to compare with Hilde?

I took a step back. "I understand."

Duo started shaking his head. "No… Heero. Please. Let me get the key to the gate."

"No," I said decisively. "Don't bother." I reached down for my duffel bag.

"No! Heero, don't go! Please!"

I ignored his heartfelt pleads, his rattling of the gate and him cursing at it, and I started running. I had to get away from him. When there had still been hope, being in his presence had been the most amazing sensation I had ever experienced. With my hope crushed, I couldn't stand to be near him. It was painful.

I had always imagined how wonderful it would be if I would finally be able to feel true emotions. I thought I would feel alive, invigorated and empowered, but I just felt pain.

Yet at least… at least I loved enough to hurt.

I finally had what I wanted – part of it at least – although it was not the way I had hoped. But maybe it was the way it was supposed to be and I should still be grateful. Maybe to hurt was better than to not feel at all, although I didn't think it at that moment, with the pain in my chest so astoundingly intense. Maybe to be incomplete is better than to be completely void, although I was never more sorely aware of the emptiness than I was then.

With nowhere else to go but back to the spaceport, that's where my feet took me. Feeling exposed and embarrassed in the bright overhead lights I hurriedly found a public restroom to wash the tears from my face and relieve the soreness of my reddened eyes.

The only other man present looked at me oddly, but thankfully he left me alone.

I didn't dare to look at myself in the mirror. I dried my face and headed back out. I took a seat on one of the benches by the front façade of the spaceport, my shoulders slouched, my hands limp in my lap.

I couldn't stay there, not on that bench and not on L2. I accepted that if I had to be anywhere alone, I preferred to be alone on earth, so I approached the desk and inquired about the costs of the next flight out to earth. I could afford it, if only just. "I'd like a ticket, please."

The lady looked at me with a pensive frown, she could probably tell I had been upset.

I paid her in cash and she printed out the boarding pass after inspecting my expertly forged passport. "The space shuttle headed to the San Francisco spaceport leaves in four hours, departing from gate seven. That way." She pointed in the general direction.

"Thank you." I walked through the quiet spaceport towards gate seven where I took a seat.

I had no idea what I was going to do once I arrived back on Earth, but it felt like the right place to go, the exact destination didn't matter much to me.

I placed my elbows on my knees and rested my face in my hands. Right in front of me was a large window looking out into outer space. I could see the lights of approaching space shuttles, but mostly I could see the reflections of myself and my surroundings: the grey carpet, the white metal walls, the stainless steel seats, a couple of flight attendants and only a handful of fellow travelers walking by. My eyes settled on my own slumped form.

I didn't know what Hendrik saw in me, what he found attractive and I couldn't blame Duo for being more content with Hilde as his companion than me. My hair was messy and utterly uncontrollable, with haphazard bangs partly obscuring thick, angular eyebrows. My eyes were large and slanted but deadened. I was lithe but perhaps a little too slim-built, with a slender, long neck and legs that were proportionately too long for my body, making me look younger and weaker than I liked to be, like a new born foal.

Unlike during my last wait for an outer space flight, time crawled by. I repeatedly glanced at the reflection of the clock in the window, mentally reversing the image, and being disappointed by the progression of time. To occupy myself I shuffled over to the vending machine to my left and got out a chocolate and caramel candy bar. The overpriced snack was the last thing I could afford with what remained of Hendrik's drug money. Once I would arrive in San Francisco I should probably get another job at a diner, like what I had done in Amsterdam. I didn't know for what else I qualified, being unsociable, inexperienced and technically non-existent.

I sat back down and slowly ate the treat.

My entire body froze when a new figure appeared in the dark window.

Duo came to a sudden stop in the middle of the pathway, a few feet behind me. He threw his gaze up at the sign that read "GATE SEVEN", which was apparently what he had been looking for. He looked around and quickly spotted me and our eyes met in the reflection of the window.

I slowly got up and turned to face him, unsure of what he was doing there.

"Heero," He breathed a sigh of relief. In two large strides with his heavy work-boots he was right in front of me and without hesitation he wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me into a tight embrace.

I awkwardly returned the hug.

"I'm so glad I caught up with you in time." He buried his face in the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply, like he was enjoying the very scent of my skin. "I figured you'd be here and luckily the woman at the counter remembered you and which flight you were taking."

"You came looking for me?" Obviously he did, but it seemed so unlikely and baffling to me that I had to question it.

"Of course."

"But Hilde? You said you were with Hilde."

He pulled away a little so he could look me in the eyes. "I was."

"You were?" I verified dumbly, not understanding what this all meant.

"You really should have let me finish and let me open the gate," He said with an exasperated chuckle. He cupped my face gently. "All this time I have never stopped thinking about you. My feelings for Hilde were misguided. I loved her dearly, but as a friend, I realized. I tried to make more of it, I tried to replace you with her, but it was never right, it was never fulfilling. I looked for you. I looked for you everywhere! I spent weeks in Europe hoping to find you. When I couldn't find you I took that as you not wanting to be found, so I stayed with Hilde because I couldn't bear to end my relationship with her and miss her friendship, while I was dealing with the realization that I would never see you again; that I let you slip through my fingers," He spoke quickly, impassioned. "I had resigned to the fact that I would never see you again, because I thought you never wanted to see me again, but then there you were… just on the other side of the gate… saying the things I had always dreamt to hear you say. I never felt happier."

I could empathize, seeing as he was currently returning the favor.

"I wasn't going to be a fool again. I wasn't going to let you slip away again. I left Hilde," his tone saddened briefly, but he was determined, "She was very upset, although she wasn't surprised. She knew ever since I went down to Earth to try to find you that you were more special to me than a friend. I hate doing this to her, but I can no longer neglect my feelings for you." He paused before solemnly stating: "I love you."

I gasped when he suddenly took me into his arms and held me like he had no intention of ever letting me go. And I was perfectly fine with that.

In the interest of full disclosure, I started: "I did… I did some things I'm not proud of, these last two years."

Duo hugged me tighter still. "It's okay. It's fine."

"No, really," I insisted. "You might feel differently about me when you find out. I… I did some messed up things. I'm still a messed up person."

He pulled back enough to look at my face, but kept his arms around my waist. "So am I. We'll get cleaned up together," He assured me and kissed me on my lips. "I know we still have rough times ahead of us. We both have things we need to deal with. But I know it's all going to be alright. I have always loved you. I will always love you."

I sighed and melted against him, deciding to wait with the story of these past, seedy years. "Thank you for loving me."

He chuckled. "No problem."

After thoroughly enjoying his embrace for a long time I moved my head to look up at him and hoped he would lean down to kiss me.

He did. He captured my lips with a sigh and his hands grasped at the clothing on my back, desperately keeping me close. First he sensually moved his lips against mine in a delicate, open-mouthed kiss but then I felt the tentative tip of his tongue. He held back, unsure if he should deepen the kiss, unsure if I was ready, but from the curious, light touch of his tongue it was undisguised that he wanted to. With me wanting it as much as he did, I took the initiative of touching my tongue to his and then inviting him into my mouth. He fervently accepted the invitation and kissed me deeply, moaning into my mouth as he did.

When our lips parted so we could both take a much needed deep breath he grinned down at me and remarked with a whisper: "You taste like caramel."

"Oh." I think I might have blushed. I sheepishly brought up the half-eaten candy-bar in its colorful wrapper that I had still been holding in my hand. I presented it to him. "Do you want some?"

"Yes, I do." Without hesitation he leaned back down and reclaimed my lips in another soul-searing kiss, preferring the way the candy-bar tasted in my mouth.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, the candy wrapper crackling in my fist. It was my favorite treat ever since.

An overhead voice announced that passenger for the flight to San Francisco should start boarding.

I detached myself from him and asked him with a frown: "So what now? Where do we go from here?"

Duo shrugged and beamed a smile at me that instantly empowered me and put me at ease. "I guess we're going to San Francisco," He said lightheartedly, "We both have tickets and they are already loading my suitcase with all my belongings into the shuttle."

"You don't want to stay here?"

"No, I have no reason to stay here."

"But isn't this your home?"

He leaned down to plant a kiss on the corner of my mouth, completely casual, like we had been exchanging loving pecks all our lives – it felt right. "Home is where-ever you are. Although," He looked around distastefully, "I'm not a big fan of the grey carpeting." He laughed at his own joke and took a step back towards the gate. He reached his hand out to me. "Come on."

I took his hand and let him lead to the me to the gate where the flight attendant checked our boarding passes and kept smiling at us with a deep red blush on her cheeks as she had obviously witnessed the entire scene.

Duo never let go of my hand as we approached the entrance to the shuttle or even as we sat down in our seats.

"Nervous?" He asked as the shuttle started break away from the dock, after half an hour of nothing but comfortable silence between us. Duo knew I didn't like flying when it wasn't me or him at the controls. But his question meant so much more, I could see it in his eyes.

"No," I replied and I meant it.

Neither of us knew where life would take us. We had no job, no money, no place to live, no guarantee that we could make our relationship work after all we've been through; before, during and after the wars. But I already felt a little bit more complete with us joined at the hand and even though I had no idea where we were going, where we would end up, I had the feeling that we were headed in the right direction.

---

AC 206

I looked up and squinted my eyes when the first beam of sunlight broke through the ash grey clouds and steadily the rain started to let up, the clouds became a nonthreatening light grey and started to roll away, exposing a blue sky that was already starting to turn pink and orange at the horizon as the sun had started its descent.

It would all come to an end too soon, I thought.

"Hey," Duo softly spoke up.

I turned my head to watch him approach me.

"You've been out here for an hour," He stated with evident concern. "I wasn't sure if I should follow you outside, if you wanted me to. But I started to get worried…" He rubbed his neck sheepishly.

"I was just watching the weather change," I replied calmly.

"Yeah," Duo turned his gaze up to the sky. He didn't seem thrilled.

"We should probably get some towels and start drying off the inside of the car," I suggested, unclear on whether or not I actually wanted to make such haste to get on the road again. My feelings had become more confusing than ever.

"Do you want to?" Duo rightly questioned, "We could stay here for one more night. We might as well, we paid for the room."

I had dreaded that question. I dreaded questions to which I didn't know the answer. All I could do was shrug ambiguously.

Duo didn't know what to do with that, he looked at me for a long time, while I purposefully looked away, pretending not to notice his stare, then finally he turned his gaze up to the sky again and he watched the orange and pink hues spread across the entire canvas as the sun dipped ever lower. "We're only like two day's drive away from Washington," He started anew with detached tone. "If we leave in the early mornings and drive all day we'll reach the city late at night the day after tomorrow. We'll still be two days early."

From Duo's argument it was apparent that he too was not eager to reach our destination, even though there was something good waiting for him there too.

"Wait right here, I'm going to ask something at the front desk."

Just like that Duo left my side and with long paces he stepped into the reception room of the roadside motel. Figuring he would try to get back some of the money we had paid for one more day and night, I started towards the car. I ripped the passenger side door open by the rusty handle and bent forward to look inside. The seats were soaked and beads of water made the dashboard look like it had a horrible skin disease. The canvas roof was still wet, both inside and out and occasionally another drop would form and eventually fall down to the interior.

Suddenly Duo appeared behind me with a stack of folded up towels in his arms, some were our own that we had brought along, some he had borrowed from the motel. He handed me a few and together we started patting the inside of the car dry.

"So we're hitting the road?" I concluded as we busied ourselves preparing the car.

"Yes, but only for a little bit."

I paused with a damp towel in my hand. "What do you mean?"

"I asked the receptionist for a nice hotel nearby and she said there is a beautiful little bed-and-breakfast just a few miles up the road. I called and reserved a room for us for the night."

"But we have a room for the night," I pointed back to the motel.

"We are not going to spend one more night in that old, dusty room. I crave better sheets."

I would have argued, but the prospect of spending another night in that motel that was no intricately interwoven with another sad memory, didn't appeal to me, so I continued drying off the seats.

We did the best we could and accepted the remaining dampness. We packed up our belongings and Duo got directions from the receptionist to this bed-and-breakfast she had recommended him. She probably thought us mad for paying for a room and then leaving, but she was kind and helpful.

A little less than an hour later, watching the sun set in the rear view mirror, Duo turned the car off the highway and took us to the bed-and-breakfast that lay a little off course. The receptionist of the motel couldn't have oversold the location. It was a beautiful white plaster mansion amidst the open countryside. Flowered vines grew up the outer walls and encircled stained glass windows like a romantic, whimsical frame. The yard was landscaped to perfection, absolutely immaculate and a cobble stone path led up to the small terrace at the front of the house where two other couples, significantly older than us, were enjoying dainty cups of cappuccino.

We walked up the path and were greeted halfway by an elegant looking woman who appeared through the double doors. Following a soft-spoken greeting she guided us upstairs to one of four rooms available in the bed-and-breakfast.

The pastel wallpaper and flower-pattern sheets weren't exactly my taste but regardless of it – of anything really – I appreciated the old-fashioned romanticism of the setting.

The woman reminded us that only two of the other rooms were in use, so she had another room available, we wouldn't have to share a room. When Duo made clear we wanted to share a room her cheeks turned red and she fumbled with a genuine apology before excusing herself, remembering last minute to remind us that we had to fill in a form to indicate what we would want for breakfast and at what time.

"I never get tired of making people uncomfortable like that," Duo remarked, bemused.

"Yes, it is all fun and games until a hick tries to bash your head in with a bat," I replied dryly.

"He was not out to kill us!" Duo insisted with a laugh, recognizing the incident I was referring to.

"Who plays baseball right in the middle of the camping ground, in between the tents?"

Duo shook his head. "I can't believe you are still going on about that. He missed, didn't he? He kept us up the rest of the night apologizing for God's sake."

"He narrowly missed," I reminded him, "And only because I ducked my head just in time. And who goes camping for their honeymoon anyway?" I teased.

Duo let out a hearty laugh. "We did not "go camping" for our honeymoon! We traveled all through Europe, we slept in amazing, luxurious hotels! It was just one night that we camped out in that national park – the park you insisted on seeing, by the way. The plan was to stay in Barcelona one more day but you wanted to drive up to the park and we ended up having to spend the night there. Why do you always say we went camping for our honeymoon. Man, when you said that to Quatre I thought the miniature blonde was going to bitch slap me."

I smirked. "I never get tired of making you get all worked up like that," Mirroring what he said earlier.

Duo shook his head. "Evil!"

I laughed. I didn't know if it was the setting, the impending doom that made it necessary to enjoy the laughter while it lasts, or if it was just really funny, but I felt light for a moment and free to laugh.

Duo sighed, ever torn between happiness and sadness – happy in the moment, sad knowing that it is only fleeting. "It seems so long ago…" He mused and he walked over to the bed, testing the softness of the sheets absentmindedly.

"What?"

"Our honeymoon."

I frowned. "It was a long time ago."

Duo turned to me with a smile. "True. But doesn't it feel longer ago still, now that things are so different?"

I mulled over his question as he continued wistfully:

"We were so happy then. That happiness seems so far away now." His features hardened with determination. "But I have hope. I still have hope that we can get back to that. Think of all we have suffered before we found that peace, that contentment. There had been great darkness in our lives but when we finally came together, the way we were always meant to be, our light reached into the darkest shadows, until there were no more shadows. How are these shadows different? How are they darker?"

I took a deep breath to steady my emotions, but I could already feel my eyes welling up. "It was not you who hurt me, before."

Duo stilled.

"What makes it different is that I had you, you were stitches to an open wound, a crutch to a limping gait. It was thanks to you that I healed, you took all the pain away. I thought that you would never cause me harm. But you have and I don't know yet where that leaves me. Bleeding and crippled most likely." I sighed. "I have accepted my part in this, my part of the blame. But it still hurts. Besides, nothing I have experienced hurt as much as losing-" I stopped myself short of saying his name, remembering what pain that could cause me, even after all this time.

Duo slowly sagged down onto the edge of the bed, his gaze far away.

Sometimes, when I looked at him, I got the sinking feeling that his indiscretion hurt him as much as it did me. I slowly walked towards him and sat down close next to him on the bed, turning my upper body to face him. On his face I saw a reflection of my own anguish and concerns. I had not meant to punish him further with my words. I had to leave behind the last thread of resentment, that had been guiding me through a dark maze, I had it let it slip from my fingers and accept that I was in unknown territory and find a new way through this chaos. It was certainly more difficult, it was so much easier to resort to anger and blame, but I knew where that path would take me if I had continued to follow it and I realized that was no place I wanted to go, because that would surely be a place where I would end up without him and without hope.

Hope. Perhaps it would be good rekindle some, even if it might be in vain. And maybe that moment was perfect for it. One last deep breath before going under.

"I still remember the first time you made love to me…"

Duo tentatively looked up with a small smile at the happy memory that I brought up. "Yeah?" He asked teasingly.

"I think of it often." This was no lie. I considered it the moment where he cleansed me of the filth that Hendrik had stained me with and all the other filth of dried blood and gunpowder.

"It couldn't have been that good," He joked lightheartedly.

"It was," I assured him seriously.

"Surely it wasn't the best I ever accomplished with you. That would be disheartening."

A breathy chuckle escaped my lips at his jest. "We got to know each other's bodies better, so things definitely improved. But I will always remember that first time most dearly."

"I'm a little hazy, perhaps you can refresh my memory?" He toyed.

"You were gentle," I whispered sensually, enjoying our little game as a welcome break.

"Aren't I always?"

I let out a hearty laugh and Duo struggled to keep his face straight as we both remembered many times when lust and passion overcame the both of us and he could be hurried and rough, his thrusts powerful and deep, leaving me sore but content. Not to mention the select number of times the top position had been offered to me and he clawed at my back and pulled at my hair with feral desire, causing me to explain my reason for preferring the bottom position with the lasting joke that it hurt less. Of course that was not true, sex with Duo was never actually painful, not to be deserving of the word 'hurt', but I could never really tell him how much I liked him inside of me, or my reasons for it, rather trusting that he knew this implicitly.

"So, I was gentle…" He encouraged, his arm snaking around my waist.

"Yes…" I breathed huskily, indulging in vivid memories. "You stripped us both of our clothes. Your fingers grazed my skin as you pulled each piece of fabric off my body. You told me I was beautiful and kissed my chest following every button you popped."

His hand slipped across my thigh, squeezing the flesh and I felt his hot breath against my neck as he turned his head towards me. His lips were so close but he was purposefully not kissing me, choosing to tease me and drive me mad instead.

"Then what did I do?"

I groaned. My hand settled on his that lay strongly on my thigh. I longed for him to draw it up my leg. "Put your hand on my groin," I said.

Duo chuckled. "Nooo," He drawled out, "That is not what I did next."

My chest heaved with a sharp laugh. I had not been describing the memory but instead had begged him to move his hand in the present. When it was clear he would not oblige, I closed my eyes and continued: "You lay behind me on the bed, holding me against you, kissing my neck and whispering sweet things in my ear that I fail to remember. I was crying."

His lips finally kissed me, gently, soothingly, on the sharp corner of my jaw.

"You told me we could wait, as long as I needed. And I told you I could wait no longer for you to replace the memory of his hands with your own." I sighed as he continued to kiss my face lightly. "Then you lay between my thighs and you stretched me with your fingers, leisurely, taking your time, taking forever it seemed."

Duo smiled. "You were starting to get a bit impatient at that point," He whispered, his lips moving against the sensitive shell of my ear.

"You were always kind of a tease," I replied and I pulled at the hand on my thigh, trying to urge it to move up to where I desired it. I shuddered when his tongue darted out and licked my ear. "I had been scared of pain. It had always been painful with him, I didn't want it to be painful with you but I worried it was part of it. But when you finally pushed into me…" I moaned at the intensity of the memory. It made my body tingle all over.

"How did you feel then?" He asked.

"Complete."

He smiled at my answer.

I chuckled as the memory played out in my head like a video. "When you started moving, I had never expected it to feel so good. I was very loud."

"Yes, you were," He growled possessively. "I loved it. I'll never forget the sounds you made when I angled my hips and my cock brushed your prostate with every thrust."

"My only regret is that I came so swiftly. For all its intensity, it was so brief."

"Please, do not regret. You saved me the deep shame of not lasting long enough to bring you to completion. I was dangerously close before we even became one." His words were rushed as was his breath. His hands finally found my crotch and kneaded the bulge through the fabric before expertly slipping the button open and carefully pulling down the zipper.

I sighed with relief when there was only the thin cotton of my briefs left to separate me from him. I slowly eased back onto the bed, pulling him along with me.

"And besides," Duo continued with mischievous tone, "Only shortly after our first time was over, we made love for the second time. And the third."

I blushed. I had been so overwhelmed with pleasure that night that I had feared I might never get enough.

"You were insatiable."

"You didn't make any complaints then," I shot back, a little embarrassed.

"I'm not making any complaints now." He climbed on top of me, straddling my hips. Finally his lips found mine and he kissed me passionately. His hands did not idle, they had cupped my face gently as he captured my mouth with his, but quickly they trailed down, leaving a path of nerves set alight. They caressed my slender neck, feeling the wild pulse, before moving over my shoulders and then down my chest, pushing the jacket I was wearing open. His hands needily rubbed my torso through the fabric of my shirt, his touches coarse and unrefined, but oh so welcome. I sighed when they eventually slipped under the hem of my shirt, pushing the fabric up to my collarbone as his hands steadily caressed up my body.

Fighting through the delicious distraction I reached up and hooked the fingers of both my hands into the opening of his shirt between two buttons. I powerfully ripped the shirt open, buttons hitting my bare chest as I exposed his impatiently.

It didn't feel like we were in an unfamiliar bed-and-breakfast on our way to Washington D.C. to meet with Hilde and hers and Duo's child. It felt like we were in our home, in San Francisco, in a bed that comfortably smelled like us. Not only were we in a different place, we were in a different time as well, no trouble existed in our minds as we succumbed to pleasure.

It was such a rare and pleasant illusion. I reveled in it.

My fingers found the front of his pants and fumbled to get the button and zipper open. Though I could, I knew it would not be appreciated if I used the force necessary to rip the offending denim off his body.

Duo interrupted the kiss and climbed off me. Standing by the bed, between my spread legs, he gave me a sly look. He sensually slipped the ruined button-up shirt from his shoulders and then moved to undo his pants and push them down along with his underwear, baring his erection standing straight up in need. He gestured for me to sit up and made haste pulling off my jacket and shirt, before roughly pushing me back down onto the bed with a strong push of his hand against my sweaty chest.

I raised myself up on my elbows and watched silently as he hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of my tight jeans and dragged the garment down the length of my legs, the briefs being held in place by the bulge of my arousal.

He wasn't content until he had pulled my feet through the trunks and threw the jeans to the corner of the room. He urged me to scoot back further onto the bed so my legs were no longer dangling over the edge and he could properly kneel between them.

A big, warm hand rubbed me through my briefs and with a sigh I settled back down on the bed.

"I love you so much," Duo whispered and he placed a reverent kiss on my stomach, just above the hem of my underwear, his chin grazing my arousal.

"Ah!" I clasped my hand over my mouth. Who knew how thin the walls were and I didn't want one of the other couples overhearing us. The shame would be unbearable.

When he finally peeled my briefs off my skin the relief was indescribable. One hand grasped my length and slowly stroked up and down a number of times before I felt him place another feather light kiss, this time on the sensitive head of my erection.

"Oh fuck," I breathed, my mouth free again as my fists automatically twisted into the pillowcase, just above my head.

"With your permission…" He responded mischievously.

"Oh, yes, you have it. Please."

He crawled up my body and kissed me deeply. I arched my back to press my chest tightly against his. No amount of closeness would ever be enough.

Then all of a sudden the warmth of his body disappeared and I moaned in dismay.

"I'm just going to check if there is some lotion in the bathroom that we can use," Duo explained and I watched his naked formed disappear.

To speed the process along as I was desperate for our joining and our mutual release, I used my fingers to quickly stretch myself, so that when he returned we could get right to it. Normally, when we had sex regularly, I didn't need to take such preparations every time, but since whatever Duo might be able to find was never going to be proper lubrication, it seemed a good idea to take precautions. Combined with last night, I didn't want to end up sore. The seats in the old convertible were not particularly comfortable to a sore bottom.

With one hand far between my legs and the other still fisting the crisp white pillow case I threw my head back at the experienced sensations and the anticipation of what was to come.

"Holy shit."

My eyes flew open and spotted Duo in the doorway to our small, private bathroom, barely being able to hold onto the bottle in his hand as he stared at me with lustful eyes. Embarrassment washed over me like a hot wave until I realized just how much he was enjoying the sight of me.

Once he regained his composure he joked with deep voice: "Don't start without me." He stalked towards the bed and sat down on it again. With shaking hands he opened the bottle coconut oil and with laughably poor aim he poured it onto his swollen member.

I retreated my fingers to make way for him.

He strongly grabbed my calves and placed my legs over his shoulder and he leaned forward until my knees were almost against my chest. I felt exposed, but not vulnerable.

I cried out when he pushed into me, a little louder than intended. I didn't doubt that my sharp cry had managed to penetrate the walls, but I was no longer in any state of mind to be concerned with our neighbors. Instantly I felt amazing; invincible, yet, paradoxically, also completely at his mercy. But I needn't worry. Duo was a very… merciful lover.

Duo's thrusting was slow. He visibly strained to keep his pace controlled, clearly determined to make this coupling last longer than the previous had. His mouth bestowed kisses on me, on my mouth, on my face, on my ears and on my neck.

Still, impassioned as we both were, it was always going to be over too soon, in spite of our efforts to make it last. Even Duo's languid movements steadily sent me spiraling towards climax. It was probably exactly his lovingness and gentleness, evident in the sensuous rhythm, that brought me all the more close to completion.

"I love you," He whispered, his voice barely more than a shaky exhale.

"I love you too," I replied and I raised my head off the pillow to kiss his cheek where I saw tear fall. "Forever," I added and I meant it, no matter what.

He buried his face in the crook of my neck, I think embarrassed to let me see any more of his tears, but I felt them on my naked skin.

As we reached our climax, we kissed tenderly and rather than throaty, animalistic moans, soft sighs and the whispers of each other's names escaped our lips.

He rolled off me and we lay stretched out on the bed next to each other, panting; thinking.

"That was… Amazing," He concluded.

The mattress shifted as he turned to lay on his side, facing me, his head propped up on his hand. "Wonderful. Beautiful. Mind-blowing… Fabulous."

I wanted to snort sarcastically, but amused by his stereotypical lisp on the last word the sound was overpowered by an abrupt chuckle. "It was okay," I concurred matter-of-factly as a joke. It was all the things he said it was and more. Escapism at its best.

"So how does it compare to the first time?"

"Well, it's probably equally monumental." I bit my lip when I realized I had said that out loud.

I wasn't looking at him, but from the corner of my eyes I could tell his brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

I tore my eyes away from the ceiling to meet his gaze. "Because it might be the last time."

He rolled onto his back. He knew I spoke the trust, I knew he was aware of it all along, but clearly it was too much of a dose of reality to have it be spoken out loud. And I realized I had been wrong for ruining the moment.

With a deep sigh he pushed himself upright. I watched the muscles of his back move under his skin and my gaze trailed down the disheveled braid that fell along his spine. My love for him was overpowering. It was frightening at times.

"It seems like you've already given up."

It was a statement. I wasn't sure if I agreed with it. I resented it, but at the same time I recognized there was a strong base of truth to it. I had a vivid idea in my head of what it was going to be like once we arrived at Washington D.C. and once the child – unplanned but not unwanted – would be born. I couldn't imagine a version of that bleak future where I wouldn't be torn apart by my own emotions. I hadn't decided yet what I would do, I didn't plan to give up, yet to a part of me, the part that dares not to cherish hope, it was inevitable that it would all end. Of course there was also the part of me that encouraged me not to lose hope, that encouraged me to believe in the good. That part of me I owed to Duo. He gave me that. It was both a blessing and a curse.

I sat up as well. "I haven't given up," I argued gently.

"It seems like I have already lost you. You treat this like this is the end. I know you need to prepare yourself for that, to protect yourself the best you can, but this isn't right." He finally looked back at me over his slouched shoulder. "You don't know what is going to happen, how we are going to feel and whether or not we can make it work. You don't know that yet."

A little irritated that he failed to apply this judgment to himself, I reminded him: "And neither do you. You are so certain that you will continue to love me and that you will always work to keep me in your life, that you will always need my presence… But you don't know what you are going to feel when you are with Hilde in the delivery room and you look upon your child in her arms or when she hands him or her to you." My gaze hardened. "I think you stubbornly underestimate what that will do to you. You are in denial about how complicated and difficult this is going to be, for everyone involved. Hilde is not going to want me to be part of this little family. Are you really going upset the mother of your child, or even risk being pushed away yourself – not allowed to see your own baby -, just to keep me in the loop?"

"I will always 'keep you in the loop'," He said, determined. "You are part of this family," He stressed.

"Well maybe I don't want to be!" I was startled by the raw emotions evident in my own voice.

Duo looked at me with big, questioning eyes.

I felt the corners of my mouth pull down, but I fought to keep the depth of my emotions from showing. "I did want make a family with you. But this is not the kind of family I had in mind. To even just hear you talk to Hilde on the phone makes me jealous and fearful, but she's not even what I'm opposed to most." I took a deep breath and assured him: "I do not blame you for wanting this child and for loving this child and for making this child your priority. You are a good man and you will make an excellent father. But to be part of this family, that you and Hilde are creating, would mean to be "part-dad" to this child and right now I cannot even stand the thought. What if it's a boy? That would make him my son – more or less," I said softly with a shrug, "and I had very different ideas of what my son would be. He would be ours. And ours alone. He would be the product of our love. Not the result of the most horrible time in our lives. He would bond us. Not threaten to break us apart. And-" I choked back a sob and bit my lower lip to keep it from quivering, "He would be living with us, in our home in San Francisco. And you would be pushing him back and forth on the swing set that you had bought for Leander. And I would teach him to hack into the on-board computer of the SUV and change the voice over for the navigation to that one guy with the French accent that you hate." I laughed at myself. I had had a lot of those silly, oddly specific thoughts when Nicky was pregnant with Leander.

"We could still have that…" He said softly, but he was mostly lost in memories of his own.

"No. Because I can't go down that road again. I'm too afraid to. And I don't feel like I can go down this road and have this child be part mine."

He shifted so he sat facing me. With an intense expression he begged me: "Then tell me what you need to make this work; to give this a chance at working. If you don't want to be part of it, then you don't have to be. I'll split my time between you and the child. He's probably going to be with Hilde most of the time anyway. I mean, we haven't really discussed it, but I think so."

I smiled at his innocent, hopeful blabbering. I had a strong feeling Hilde wanted him to be more involved than Duo expected, if her insisting he'd be present for the birth was any indication. And with the way things ended between her and Duo, with him leaving her suddenly for me, I could well imagine that she still loved him the way he once thought he loved her. Duo was a difficult guy to get over, I could sympathize. I didn't think her above using this child to manipulate Duo to spend more time with her and distance him from me. Not because I thought badly of Hilde, but because I was acutely aware of the morally questionable things I would be willing to do to keep Duo with me. It had crossed my mind many times to rush the process of trying to have another child with him through surrogacy – in spite of the fact that I was honestly deathly afraid of risking that heartache again – just to have something that would bind him to me, the way he was bound to Hilde. A horrible, vindictive, fear-based, utterly wrong reason to bring a child into the world, but it had been a persistent thought the first few months of Hilde's pregnancy. Like we were vying for Duo's love and attention and that was the only way to get even with her.

Naturally it had also crossed my mind that his love and attention might exactly be the reason why she got pregnant even though she had assured Duo she was on birth control. But to let my thoughts stray that way would only be poisonous, so I steered clear of that minefield and accepted it as an accident that I could only be jealous of.

I cupped his face with my hands, effectively quieting him – as he had still been blabbering – and making him look at me. "I am sorry I brought up this whole discussion. Can we please stop this?" I begged him. "Can we please go back to just enjoying this night?" I smiled at him. "Because I was really enjoying it." I pulled him with me as I eased back onto the mattress. He needed little persuasion. He seemed dazed. A little out of it.

He settled next to me with a sigh, wrapping his arms tightly around me, like he was afraid I was going to slip away in the night.

I pulled the end of his braid into my reach and absent-mindedly toyed with it as I felt him slowly succumb to sleep.

The decision and the hardship that lay ahead of me was clarified – but not made any easier –by a polarized realization.

It would break my heart to stay with him.

It would break my heart to leave him.

---

I know, it's depressing. It's like I hate him, but I really don't. I love him.

I should probably tell you, because it really cracked up a friend of mine, that when I initially started work on Loneliest Road (before I started actually writing), it was supposed to be a comedy! It had a slightly different premise and it was supposed to be a fun road-trip story. But my mind, apparently, doesn't work that way. And now the only thing that is remotely funny about Loneliest Road is that it was supposed to be a comedy :P I was reminded of how it all started because in this chapter there is brief mention of a scene that was going to be in the "original", fun Loneliest Road.

So, enough from me, now it's your turn: what did you think? :S