Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. Anywhere I would've followed you. Say something, I'm giving up on you

Numb.

That was the only way to describe how Michelle felt. Locked away in her bedroom, clutching her stomach and willing herself to cry. Why couldn't she cry? What sort of monster had she turned into?

Carla had always talked about self hatred. About a real, bitter deep hate for yourself and wishing you could be a better person or someone else entirely. Michelle had never understood that until these last few weeks and especially not until today. Today, she would happily neck a bottle of vodka followed by sleeping pills and feel no regret. Was this how Carla had felt prior to her own suicide attempt? Michelle thought it probably was. Except Carla, she didn't deserve to feel that way whereas Michelle believed she very much did deserve it.

She felt inhuman. She felt like if she could switch places with either of her brothers in that moment, she would. Swap with Paul and give Carla back her husband or trade places with Liam and give her back her lover and best friend. Give little Liam a daddy. Who'd miss her anyway? Steve didn't deserve her, he deserved someone a million times the person she was. Something she could never be. Carla probably hated her now. If she hadn't before, she would once she found everything out. What else was there to live for anymore?

Carla pulled herself up from the sofa when the buzzer rang and sighed as she walked over to answer it. She'd stayed home today, exhausted from yesterday's work meetings and needing some time to think. She was finding everything exhausted her recently and she knew she was tired and grumpy but she tried her best not to aim it at Peter. They'd only argued once that was anything to write home about. Carla had chicken out of telling his family about the baby last week and they still hadn't told them now. Peter was dying to share their news and so was she but something held her back. As though she was scared the more people knew the more likely it was that something would go wrong. After a brief shouting match he stopped, sighed and pulled her in for a cuddle. And that was it, he forgave her. Told her he'd wait as long as she needed. Carla had promised him they'd go tomorrow after work and speak to them. She hoped she would stick to it this time.

Carla froze at the voice on the other end of the buzzer, swallowing back, "Carla please can I come in. I need to speak to you." Michelle.

Without answering she let her in and moments later, someone slightly resembling her best friend appeared. Not the Michelle Carla knew though. She looked a mess, fragile and beaten down. She looked how Carla had felt half her life. She went to reach out to cuddle her but stopped herself.

Michelle wore an old tracksuit and her hair was scraped back into a ponytail. She wore not an inch of make up and she looked deathly.

"What the hell happened to you?" Carla's voice was softer than Michelle excepted and she almost collapsed against her into an inconsolable mess there and then. She didn't though.

"Carla I- I'm so sorry."

"I've tried getting in touch. Why have you been ignoring me?" Carla scrapped her feet against the floor, looking up at Michelle.

"I don't know. I guess I haven't been myself.." understatement of the year she thought to herself. She needed to tell her. Why couldn't she just tell her?

"You haven't told Steve then. About sleeping with my brother. How did you manage to make him keep quiet? Promise you'd pay him in kind?"

Michelle swallowed back, the air leaving her. Tell her. Just tell her, tell someone. Say it.

She couldn't.

"No.. I don't know, I think he's playing games. You know what he's like."

Carla scoffed, "Oh yeah, it's all fun and games with Rob until he locks you up for three days and nearly kills your baby." She glared at her now, letting her know how much her betrayal had killed her. If only she knew.

Michelle couldn't bare to listen to what she was being told. She just wanted it to stop, she wanted it all to stop. Everything was such a mess and she needed Carla to tell her what to do. She needed her comfort and frendship and strength. She needed her to know. Michelle stepped closer, "Carla, I've done something really stupid-"

"Yeah don't I know it Michelle!"

Michelle shook her head, "No you don't understand. Please let me explain." Say it! God damned, just say the words. Tell her what you've done.

Michelle reached her hand out to Carla's arm, holding it but Carla frowned, pushing her away.

Time seemed to stand still. Everything went in slow motion.

She didn't mean it, she didn't mean to push so hard.

Michelle slipped, falling to the floor but not before she collided with the coffee table. As she fell, her bag dropped and the contents scattered across the floor.

Carla wasn't sure where to look.

Her unconcious best friend or the positive pregnancy test.