Signora Lilium: Yeah, Hilde wasn't reallt thinking things through. I'm glad the chapter was heartfelt to you. I hope this final installment is to your liking. Thank you very much for your review :)
CaseyCuervo: I'm so honored that this is the fic you like best of all my fics. It's quite surprising, I think most people prefer "Brothers", but I actually preferred writing this story. Thank you for also reviewing this final chapter. I am very happy to read that you liked it as much as you did. Thank you for all your kindness and support!
Miss-Murdered: Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to leave such encouraging remarks. I hope you like this final installment for the story. Thank you very much for reading.
Elle. writes: Don't worry, I wasn't upset. I want readers to be honest. To a certain extent I definitely agree with your opinion. As I stated, I would have preferred to end it with Heero walking away, but since I had long planned to write this sequel/epilogue to wrap everything up neatly the way I predicted most readers would appreciate, I added Hilde's little POV to the end. I agree that the ending of Heero's story would have been more powerful without being immediately followed by Hilde's brief part. In hindsight it would have been better if I had started the sequel/epilogue with that part, as opposed to ending the main body of the story like that. But I don't regret the overall decision to add Hilde's viewpoint as well as this final installment. I was right in my assessment that many people would like the story to have the closure that my (and your) preferred ending would not have provided, as expressed in other reviews and pm's. I'm very glad that in spite of the fact that you would have liked the ending to have left some things unsaid you still liked the overall chapter. I am very grateful that you took the time to read my story and review. I really appreciate it. Thank you very much :)
Frayedsoul17: Thank you so much for reading this story and reviewing! I hope you like this last part!
Shingamia: Thank you so much for sticking with this story until the end. I really hope this last chapter does not disappoint you!
Pikeebo: Thank you very much! It means so much to me that you have continued reading the story and taking the time to share your thoughts with me along the way. You have been so wonderfully kind. I hope this last chapter is to your liking.
Dyna: Thank you very much for reading my story and reviewing. I hope this final part answers whatever questions you may have had.
CircleKV12: Thank you for reviewing the previous chapter as well as this chapter. I figured the sad ending that I had had in mind at a certain point while writing the story wouldn't be appreciated, to say the least. Although they all would have been older and it would have focused on the fact that Heero and Duo did live a happy and relatively long life together, ín the end I couldn't get myself to write the ending that way. Just as life can be cruel and painful and unfair, as depicted in all previous chapters of this story, it can be joyous and hopeful as well and I preferred ending it like that. To be perfectly honest I am also really surprised I managed to finish the sequel/epilogue as quickly as I did. For some reason everything just came together and it practically wrote itself. Thank you for reading this story and for sharing your thoughts with me, I really appreciated your feedback. I do indeed hope my other stories won't make you want to punch someone in the face :P
VegaLume-San: I think this ending lives up to the happy ending you called for, so I hope it is to your liking. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing :)
Snowdragonct: Thank you, I'm very glad you enjoyed it. I figured that just as life can be painful and unfair, it can also be happy and optimistic and by writing the ending this way the story encompasses both aspects of life.
Flutterby: Thank you! I'm really glad you liked the ending and I hope you will enjoy the new story that is in the works.
Author's note:
It was really important for me to upload this to be able to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year :) And I wanted to thank everyone who has read and reviewed my stories, it is wonderful to read that you are enjoying the chapters, I want to thank you for all your kindness and support this year :)
I proofread this chapter to the best of my abilities.
This chapter is probably different from what you were expecting, it might even be different from what you were hoping for, but I hope you like it anyday.
Loneliest Road
Sequel/Epilogue
- The journey doesn't end at the destination. -
I dragged my suitcase through the Washington Dulles airport, it felt heavier than it should. It was only small – carry-on sized no less - and loaded with nothing but hastily packed clothes, a toothbrush and the charger of my phone, yet I had to pull at it like it was a dead weight of hefty stones. It was like the inanimate thing was somehow capable of being reluctant and fighting me the entire way; anchoring me, trying to get me to stay. I leaned my weight forward to keep the momentum going. I wasn't about to be stopped. I had made more progress than I ever had and I felt so resolute, finally willing myself to buy that ticket, that I refused to give up. I had come so far, at this point it seemed easier to keep heading forward, rather than cowardly shrinking back home.
A clear voice rang from the overhead speakers: "Flight 414 to San Francisco International Airport will now start boarding at gate twelve."
I followed the signs down a long hall to gate twelve. My heart was thudding, but I foolishly attributed that to the upcoming flight. It would be the first time for me, I had never even been beyond the city limits. There never seemed to be any reason to leave. My home was Washington DC and everything relevant to my life was practically around the corner. Following high school graduation I heedlessly sent application forms only to local colleges and universities and being accepted into the George Washington University I was the only one of my admittedly small group of friends who didn't spend his summer packing up his belongings and moving out into the world. The commute from my childhood home to the university grounds was as short as an hour, a time cut in half since my eighteenth birthday when my mother presented me with a car with a red bow on our driveway.
To say I lived in a small world, would be an understatement, but in this small world I felt safe. There was not the danger of uncertainty; of unanswered questions; of probing in the dark to find the boundaries separating right from wrong. Everything was a given, or so I was led to believe.
"Ticket and passport please?" Asked the flight attendant at the end of the line at gate twelve, with a monotonous but dutifully polite tone.
I did as requested and nodded my thanks when she pointed me down the tube connecting the building to the awaiting airplane. Right before I made that first step into the aircraft, another flight attendant looking at me expectantly, I was hit with an unnerving wealth of trepidation.
The flight attendant smiled reassuringly at me. "Don't be afraid of flying."
"I'm not. I'm afraid of crashing." Every single person that was within earshot of me threw me a disdainful look over their shoulder. Apparently the C-word was taboo in the cramped space of airplanes, even though I was relatively sure it crossed everyone's mind upon boarding. I focused my attention on the pretty flight attendant who was suddenly scrutinizing me. With my head ducked between my shoulders I walked past her. I lifted my suitcase into the overhead bin and took my seat – a window seat.
Imagine my surprise when, on my eighteenth birthday, still experiencing the exhilaration of having my own car, my mother told me that the man I believed to be my father was in fact not. In that moment my small world was turned upside down and I could no longer make any sense of it, it was so disorienting. Everything I knew, every given, every firm answer to questions regarding my identity, became foundations to incomprehensibly complicated and hurtful questions, the two most prominent ones being: "Why did my mother lie to me all my life?" And: "Who am I?"
For eighteen years my father was a man I knew quite well. All my life he had been a friend of my mother; the friendship a residue of what I was told was a brief romantic relationship that ended amicably not long before my mother discovered she was pregnant with me. I didn't see him very often, he took no significant part in raising me but I had always been satisfied with our relationship. He was kind and candid and took me on annual fishing trips and spent a summer weekend teaching me how to throw a curveball, a slider and a knuckleball before I would start little league that week. A few years back he finally married and had two more children – two girls I thought were my half-sisters.
When she said that it had all been a lie, fabricated to protect me, I felt foolish, cheated and angry, too much so to even think to ask who my real father was. That question was only piled on top of all the others a while later, once I had managed to compose myself.
When I was ready, she started: "Your father's name is Duo. Duo Maxwell."
I had to stop her there and go outside for some fresh air. I thought I was prepared, but the reality hit home, hard. I was named after a man I never even knew existed. Who was 'Maxwell'? Who was 'Duo Maxwell' and who was 'Maxwell Schbeicker'? I didn't know, but I figured I could find out more about the former through my mother, so I joined her anew at the kitchen table.
She finally told me the truth. Occasionally she had to pause her story to let out a few choked sobs.
She had met Duo during the war between earth and the colonies. Regarding their involvement in the war she only remarked that he played a pivotal role in bringing peace and that she had been blessed to have been able to help him achieve that. I wasn't too interested in that part of the story so I didn't ask her to elaborate on that vague statement. She continued telling that after spending the year apart between the war and the battle during Christmas of AC 196, he came to live with her on L2 and they worked at her uncle's scrapyard together. During this time the tentative romantic aspect of their friendship evolved and soon they were living together as a couple. I could tell the memory was heartbreaking for her, but at the time I didn't feel particularly sympathetic. Without warning Duo left one night, after a friend had shown up unannounced and unwelcome. I was shocked when she revealed Duo moved down to earth to be with his male friend, romantically. Learning that my biological father was homosexual had me reeling. I wasn't so small-minded to be unaccepting of homosexuality, but I wondered what repercussions that had for my sexual identity. Kids at school always used to poke fun at the children of same-sex couples.
I felt numb listening to her as she told me Duo and this other man – every time she said his name, 'Heero', she said it abhorrently – got married a few years later but she said their relationship started crumbling under the weight of a tragedy, of which she revealed no details. It was around that time that Duo reached out to her and she had come to soothe him and they ended up… conceiving me.
At that point in the story I stormed out angrily. This didn't sound like the kind of man I would want as my father, as it didn't sound like the kind of man I would want to grow up to be! He left my mother heartbroken for some guy that just showed up one night, and he couldn't even commit himself to him, to that 'Heero'; he ended up cheating on him! Wasn't this 'Heero' supposed to be more important to him than my mother? If he had the audacity to cheat on that guy, how worthless did he dare to evaluate my mother to be? He must have thought despicably little of her for him to leave her to fend for herself and for their newborn child!
My mother rushed after me, begging me to let her finish the story, but I quickened my stomping pace towards the car she had given me, desperate to get away. I was done. I didn't want to know more, there would only be more disappointment. She tugged at my arm, but I continued along stubbornly, unwilling to listen to more. Eventually she stopped in the middle of the street and yelled after me: "I told him you weren't his!"
I pivoted on my heels to stare at her. My expression was incredulous but my eyes already started welling up with tears.
"He never tried to be part of your life because I told him he wasn't the father." Recognizing my hurtful expression she started crying and pleading for forgiveness.
The pain in my chest was indescribable at being confronted with the fact that not only had my mother told me a horrible lie – presenting me with a fake father -, she had also told my real father a horrible lie. I lost all faith. Not only did I no longer know myself, nor knew my father, my mother also became a completely new person to me and I resented this new her. I felt hopelessly lost.
That day I applied for a dorm room at the University campus and I stayed with friends until I was assigned my own bunk bed a few weeks later.
I stared out the window at the clouds. So far the flight was uneventful, I just had turn up the volume of my earphones as the guy next to me was blasting his music obnoxiously loud.
My small world was quickly expanding. That was frightening. There was so much uncharted territory now; so many ways to get lost.
Initially I wasn't going to do anything with the startling information she had given me. I had lived all my life without this Duo-person. I didn't need him. But after a year of muddling around the uneasiness remained and even after starting therapy it seemed like I had meet him, if only just once, because nothing else seemed to be helping me through my struggles and confronting myself with him – and confronting him with me – was the only viable option left that I hadn't tried.
During that year the contact with my mother had been strained. I didn't like talking to her about Duo and the whole situation but I also couldn't stand talking about mundane stuff, pretending like nothing had changed. That left us with many awkward silences. A few weeks before my nineteenth birthday I declared I intended to meet him and my birthday present that year was an undated ticket to San Francisco. My mother gave me the information I needed to find him, apparently she was still in contact with some old mutual friends and he still lived in the same house as when she last saw him. She wanted to show me a picture of him, but I refused. She offered to come with me to see him, but that I refused even more vehemently. This was something I had to do by myself.
The suitcase that was in the overhead bin had been in various stages of packed and unpacked in the following weeks while I mustered up the courage to go through with my plan. The farthest I had come before was driving to the airport but making a U-turn at the very first possibility.
I was startled by a hand waving in front of my face. I plucked my earphones out and focused my attention on the flight attendant, giving her a somewhat baffled expression after being pulled from my deep musings.
"Please put your seat in the upright position and fasten your seatbelt. We will be landing in San Francisco shortly."
I nodded dumbly, completely caught off guard by how fast the time had gone by. I turned to look out the window and surely enough we started to descend.
Soon my feet were safely planted on solid ground again but I still feared this trip could turn out to be a total disaster. The gravity in California was even stronger, my suitcase felt heavier still as I dragged it along to find a taxi. I produced a wrinkled piece of paper from the pocket of my jeans and read aloud the address I had jotted down. Without a word the cabbie drove me to my destination.
It was midday and it was sunny and warm for the time of year. At almost seventy degrees Fahrenheit, with people wearing only light jackets if any, the Christmas decorations looked awfully out of place.
The cab pulled into a fancy suburban neighborhood. I wasn't brought up poor, not in the least, but the houses on that particular street appeared enormous to me. The vehicle rolled to a stop and the driver pointed to a white plastered villa in Mexican style.
"That's it," He stated dryly, completely unaware of how daunting that moment was for me.
I paid him and got out apprehensively. Of course I contemplated just telling him to take me back to the airport, but I was resolute, I was not going to be a coward. Not again at least. Looking down at myself in dismay I made an attempt to straighten my clothing. Maybe I should have worn something more presentable than faded jeans and a simple T-shirt with an open button-up shirt on top. But what are you supposed to wear when you are about to meet your father for the first time? Most people never have to worry about this, most are in their birthday suit or wrapped in a baby blue or baby pink towel when they first meet their dad, so there wasn't exactly an 'How-to-for-dummies' book written about it. I wasn't really a fancy-clothes kind of guy anyway. At official school functions it was mandatory to wear neat slacks and a button-up shirt – preferably with jacket and tie – but I felt most like myself and therefore more comfortable, in something cheap and casual.
I had been standing on the sidewalk for so long it must have been suspicious. Before someone would take notice of me and have a police patrol car roll by to see what the ratty kid with the dingy suitcase was doing in the neighborhood I took a deep breath and walked up the path to the double front door. I admired the intricate carving in the wood, only to realize I was stalling. Another deep breath and then I was ready to ring the doorbell.
Immediately following the chime that echoed through the house was a dog barking excitedly and I could see the black silhouette of the animal as it rushed up to the frosted glass window by the door.
The dog was probably going to be the only one in the household happy to see me.
I was sick with nerves.
Beyond the door someone ordered in a strict but controlled voice: "Back!" Then I heard the door being unlocked.
The breath I had been holding came out trembling.
The door was opened wide to reveal a middle-aged man. My heart was pounding as I studied him. He looked to be in his early forties. He was shorter than me, he had a slim, lithe figure dressed in light jeans and a navy blue button-up. His hair was chocolate brown – a hint of grey at the temples – and brushed back out of his face. His face was one of tanned, exotic features, with big, cobalt blue eyes. He was not my father, I instantly knew, not only because this man was obviously of Asian heritage but also because my mother had assured me I looked exactly like my father and I looked nothing like this man. I felt a little uncomfortable and unsure of myself realizing that clearly the person in front of me was Heero, the man – man! – my father had left my mother for.
At first his deep blue eyes widened with shock as his gaze fell on me, then a calm acceptance washed over him and he took his time studying my face the way I did his.
"Hi," I started sheepishly. "I'm Maxwell Schbeicker."
A small, somewhat sad smile appeared on his lips. In a surprisingly deep and vibrating voice he said: "Yes. Yes, you are."
"I'm looking for Duo."
He nodded and stepped aside, inviting me inside with a gesture of his arm. "Come in."
Apprehensively I stepped inside, pulling my suitcase over the threshold and setting it by the door that he closed behind me. He took the time to formally introduce himself as Heero - stating no last name - and his palm felt as warm and sweaty as my own as we shook hands. He asked to take my coat from me so I shook it off my shoulders and spotted the black dog waiting obediently in the door opening to the living room.
Heero ordered the dog to go to his mat and then offered me to take a seat on the couch and asked if I wanted something to drink.
I wasn't thirsty but I could use a moment by myself to regain my composure and maybe some cool water would calm my nerves. "Thank you. Water, please."
He nodded and left. His movements were a little jittery, obviously he knew why I was there. I wondered exactly how much I looked like my biological father for him to be able to recognize me. I hadn't called in advance to announce I was coming. As far as I knew Duo and Heero didn't know Duo was my real father.
While Heero was in the kitchen I wandered around the living room. It was a large space decorated in a homey, contemporary style, with mostly earthy tones. I immediately took notice of the piano in the corner. But the big fireplace was the focal point of the room and I was drawn to it. There were pictures on the mantelpiece, but none of Duo or Heero. There were pictures of three children, two boys and a girl, at various ages; in-utero images, baby-pictures, candids on holidays, and two graduation portraits and action-photos during sporting events of the two young men. I studied what appeared to be the most recent pictures more closely. The African-American girl was still young, there were no pictures of her beyond about the age of five. The two young men looked to be my age. There was a picture of them together, their arms slung around each other. They were both tall, but other than that they were polar opposites. One was African-American, with a muscular, imposing physique, a square jaw, rounded features, black eyes and a shaved head. The other was incredibly pale skinned, his body more slender and elongated, he had sharp, delicate features including an angular jaw, ice blue eyes and platinum blond hair that loosely framed his face.
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Heero apologized upon re-entry.
I couldn't blame him. If he did realize who I was and why I had come to his house, he had every right to need a moment for himself. The encounter must be quite nerve-wrecking for him also. "Are these… your kids?" I barely stopped myself short of asking if they were my siblings. I wasn't ready for that much reality yet.
"Yes," The shorter man looked at the collection of picture frames proudly. "The little girl is Sala, she is four. She is at preschool right now. Sunnery and Annadal are our sons. They are a little older than you. They are already off to college. Actually, Sunnery recently graduated." He let out a breathy chuckle, like he was still getting used to the idea.
I took a sip of water to ease my dry throat. Looking into my glass I inquired: "You know who I am, don't you?"
He offered me a conflicted smile. "Yes."
"I'm sorry to spring this on you."
"You have nothing to apologize for," Heero assured me genuinely.
"Is… Is Duo here?"
"He's at work, but I'll call him and ask him to come home."
I shook my head. "I shouldn't have showed up like this. I should have called beforehand."
"It's fine. Take a seat, try to relax. I'll make a few calls." He smiled kindly and then left the room.
I dropped down onto the couch. The sound drew the attention of the dog who, in the absence of his master, could not resist leaving his mat and coming over to investigate the guest. He curiously sniffed at me, his tail softly going back and forth. I reached out and petted him on the top of his head and a smile formed when he rested his chin on my knee and enjoyed the attention with heavily lidded eyes. In the meantime I inadvertently eavesdropped on Heero's call.
"Hey honey…"
I stiffened. It was still weird to imagine that my biological father was married to this man.
"Could you please come home a little early today? … No, nothing is wrong… Duo, nothing is wrong. There is someone here to see you. … No, I'm not going to send him to the garage. Just get back here as soon as you can. … I love you too."
A few seconds later it became apparent Heero had made another call.
"Sunnery, hi. … Could you pick up your sister from preschool today? I have a guest and I can't leave."
I heaved a sigh. After finding out that my pretend-father's daughters weren't my sisters, I never considered that I did actually have siblings. Sunnery, Annadal and Sala were obviously adopted, but regardless, Duo was their father, so they were my brothers and sister. It was an odd realization that made the matter all the more complicated. I suddenly felt selfish for invading their lives like this.
Heero came back and sat down across from me. He wiped his palms on his thighs, he was clearly anxious but his small smile seemed earnest. After a while he started hesitantly: "Earlier you asked if I knew about you. I forgot to ask if you knew about me."
I bit my lip and nodded. "Yes, I know about you. Not much but… I know you're… You're Duo's…" I fell silent, it was all so strange to me. Heero being married to Duo, what did that make him to me? My stepdad?
His expression was one of understanding.
"You're handling it quite well," I remarked with a nervous chuckle.
He smiled. "Growing older I've learned to accept things a little quicker. I've gotten more swift at recognizing that new and scary things aren't necessarily bad. I'll admit that if I had found out at the time that Hilde told Duo you were not his, I would have been relieved. But by the time I found out what she had told him, I was past my anger and I just felt sad for Duo."
"What do you mean?" I asked with a frown. "You weren't with Duo around the time I was born?"
"It was a difficult time. I needed to be with myself for a while. There were some things I had to figure out about myself."
I nodded, I could understand that. I was currently having a crisis that led me to embark on this quest by myself, to figure things out. "Where did you go?" I wondered matter-of-factly, like I was asking a friend which movie he would recommend.
"I traveled all around the world," Heero replied equally casually.
"Oh… Did it work?"
He chuckled. "I think so. I have things pretty much figured out now."
I nodded slowly and looked down at the dog. "What's his name?"
"Reynor."
"Reynor," I repeated, testing the name on my lips.
The dog barely responded to his name being said twice, distracted by my fingers massaging his head.
"Would you like me to show you the guest bedroom while we wait?"
I looked up at the older man and swallowed. "I- I'm not sure if I should stay here."
"I understand. But if it's not too weird for you, you are welcome to stay. I think it might be good. You came here to get to know your father, right?"
"Yeah… Okay," I decided on a whim and I followed him upstairs, picking up my suitcase along the way. It didn't feel all that heavy anymore, I took that as a sign. I curiously looked around as I trailed after Heero to the guest bedroom. The house was even bigger than it appeared to be from the front. The back of the house had a U-shape, in between the left and right wing of the building was a stone courtyard that the large window of the guest room looked out onto. The room was spacious, barely filled by the queen-sized bed and large dresser and tall closet. There was even a small seating area and a door to what I presumed to be the bathroom.
"You can take a moment for yourself if you want. Duo won't be here for at least a few minutes."
"Okay, thanks." I watched him politely retreat and close the door behind him. I worried that at any moment feelings of terrible fear would swarm me and I would be bolting out the door, but so far so good. I took a seat on the edge of the soft bed, my hands caressing the smooth silk of the sheets. As I had often done in the past year, I wondered what my life would have been like if my mother had told both Duo and I the truth of our connection. She claimed that she had lied to us both to protect us. She wanted Duo to have a chance to make things right with Heero and she didn't want me to ever feel abandoned by my father, so she convinced an old friend to play along – pretend to be my father. But we would never know if her lies changed our lives for the better. Had I really been better off with my fake-dad? Had Duo really been better off thinking that she had lied to him; essentially losing a child? Maybe it would have been better to have known the truth all along, although that did sound naïve. The 'what-ifs' were also never simple.
My entire body went rigid when I heard the front door open and Reynor started to bark excitedly. This is it, I thought, cold blood running through my veins – his blood. But then a deep voice called out:
"Dad?"
I was only slightly relieved to learn it was the son Heero had called to pick up the young daughter from preschool. They exchanged words in the hallway, but I could not discern what they were saying. With shaky knees and sweaty palms I quietly left the bedroom and treaded towards the top of the staircase. I looked over the bannister into the foyer, but they had already moved into the living room. I heard a young girl squealing with delight and calling out the dog's name repetitively as she was likely playing with him. When she quieted down I could hear mumbles of a soft-spoken conversation. Suspecting they were talking about me and irrationally irked by the idea, I boldly headed downstairs, making sure to walk with heavy footfalls so they knew I was coming.
My heart beat at a stressful pace when I rounded the corner and set one foot into the living room. I stopped dead in my tracks as I laid eyes on the tall young man – taller even than me – who stood in front of his adoptive father. Technically, he was my brother. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
The young man – Sunnery, Heero had made the call to Sunnery – turned slowly, unsuspectingly, to face me. His dark, almond shaped eyes widened in shock when he saw me standing in the doorway, his thick, muscular neck stiffened and his fists clenched at his sides.
Heero lay a gentle hand on his son's arm. "Sunnery, this is Maxwell."
Sunnery shot a confused look at his significantly shorter father.
The tense moment was interrupted by a young girl running up to me, chased by the dog that lay down playfully at her feet. Mid-play she was distracted by my presence. She looked up at me with big, gleeful eyes, completely unbeknownst to the awkwardness of the current situation.
"I'm Sala. Nice to meet cha!"
"H-Hello. I'm… Max." I shook the hand she abruptly extended out towards me.
"You look like my daddy."
"Uhhh…"
"Sunnery," Started Heero. "Why won't you take your sister out for a walk in the park with Reynor."
Sala already started clapping her hands enthusiastically and jumping up and down. "Walking the doggie! Walking the doggie!"
"Dad," Sunnery tried to argue but a single, steel look from those cobalt blue eyes and he took his sister's hand without a word, guiding her to the hallway, followed by the dog. As he walked by me he eyed me with distrust.
Heero heaved a deep sigh when the front door fell shut after Sunnery had helped Sala into her jacket and had leashed Reynor. "Sorry about that. I didn't want to tell him anything yet, not before you've had a chance to talk to Duo. But you look so much like him, clearly he suspects what is going on."
"I shouldn't have come downstairs," I said apologetically. "I don't know what I was thinking."
"Don't worry. I'm glad you came downstairs, I take it it means you wanted to meet them?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that's good. I just wanted to tell the kids with Duo. This is going to be quite a shock for them."
I nodded, feeling foolish for selfishly rushing in. "So… There's quite a bit of an age-gap between your sons and your daughter…" I remarked in an attempt to fill the silence. I knew bringing up his kids would be a good way to get Heero talking, anytime someone asked my mom about me they were hit with a lengthy monologue about how amazing her son is.
"Yes, Sunnery is twenty-two, he was six years old when we adopted him. When his birthmother had another child, Sala, the adoption agency contacted us. Since Sala and Sunnery are half-brother and -sister they thought it would be good for them to end up in the same family." He smiled, he probably couldn't help it. "It was a bit of an adjustment, taking care of a newborn baby. Annadal was four when he came to us, he's one year older than you. But we are blessed to have Sala part of our family as well, although it doesn't matter that she shares a birthmother with Sunnery, he is as much her brother as he is Annadal's."
"Does Sunnery still live here?"
Heero shook his head. "He moved out when he went to college. He graduated this year and now he has a small studio apartment downtown."
"And your other son?"
"Annadal is a student at Yale university, so he lives far away unfortunately. Even further away this year, he went to study in Barcelona this year as part of an exchange program. But he's flying home for Christmas."
I nodded. Holidays were never special to me. It was always just me and my mother, my fake-dad made no appearances on Christmas or Thanksgiving, obviously because he preferred to spend the time with his real family. My mother didn't have any friends outside of work and her family lived on L2 – more real family that I had never met – so it was only ever just the two of us at the dinner table. That was never particularly festive, it was like any other dinner, really.
"How's-" He sighed and gave me an apologetic look, wordlessly communicating that he had trouble keeping up the conversation. "How's your mother?"
"Do you really want to know?" I shot back a little challengingly.
"Of course."
"You don't hate her?" I could argue he had every reason to.
"No," He answered genuinely, appearing somewhat surprised at the question.
"Well, then… she's fine."
Heero looked at me pensively. "How are things between you and your mom, since you found out?"
I stared at him, my eyes slowly narrowing. I was getting angry, though not necessarily at him. "I don't think it's any of your business."
"You're right." He didn't apologize and I supposed he had no reason to. I was the one showing up on his doorstep unannounced, prying into his life. To busy himself he started organizing the living room, clearing away toys and books.
"Do you think he will hate her?" I blurted.
Heero paused and looked at me over his shoulder, stuffed animal in one hand, serious-looking book in the other. "What?"
"Do you think… Duo will hate my mother? When he finds out about… me?"
He smiled at me, making it hard for me to dislike him out of principle. "Duo hates very few people."
I waited for him to elaborate but when he continued cleaning up I realized that had been it and it hadn't been much of an answer. It dawned on me that Duo – my father – already hated my mother. For the past nineteen years she has been the woman who nearly ripped apart his relationship by 'pretending' to be pregnant with his child. I couldn't predict if me turning out to be his after all would give him the opportunity to reconcile with her, or if he would only hate her all the more and perhaps me by extension.
I blinked quizzically at Heero when I noticed he had been staring at me with an odd look.
He shook his head and looked away.
It made me nervous. Just how much did I look like him? If him and I were so similar in appearances, I could only anxiously guess how alike we would be in every other respect. That frightened me. In a way I started to feel like I was meeting myself for the first time. Or like I was about to look into my own future.
My entire body went rigid, painfully so, when the front door opened and a pleasant voice called out Heero's name and continued: "Is Sunny here? His car's in the driveway!"
The older man dropped the things he had been holding on the couch and rushed past me into the hallway, shooting me a sympathetic look, one that also seemed to be asking me to give them a minute.
I loitered in a corner of the living room, my racing heart pumping hot blood into my face while my body shivered and goosebumps appeared on my bare forearms.
"Hey," Said the baritone voice warmly.
I could hear them exchange a quick kiss and my face felt hotter still.
"So… What was so urgent that I had to rush home, huh?" He asked with a teasing tone.
"Duo… please," Heero said seriously and it was like I could feel the atmosphere in the entire house shift.
"Alright," He – my father! – chuckled sheepishly. "What's with the face? You look so serious." Shock and surprise became him. "Did Sunny get into trouble?"
"He's fine. He's not here right now, I sent him to the park with Sala. Someone is here to meet you. It's important."
"Okay..."
I heard them make their first steps towards the door opening to the living room and my breath hitched.
"Just… stay calm, okay?" Were Heero's final words before the two of them rounded the corner and stepped into view.
I stared at the tall man that walked in, exactly my height. His well-built frame was dressed in dark jeans and a grey button –up with a company logo on the chest. For a moment he didn't see me and I got the chance to study his face before horror would be written all over it. He had a kind, approachable face, but masculine and handsome nonetheless. I stared at a chiseled jaw, high cheekbones, straight nose and expressive eyes, all uncannily like my own. His vibrantly colored chestnut hair was pulled back into a short ponytail. Our hair was probably the same length – an interesting choice – although mine was raven black and I always wore half of it up in a loose bun and the rest loose along my neck.
He was smiling, his mouth was different from mine, looking back over his shoulder at his husband before following Heero's pointed gaze through to living room towards me. His eyes found me, cowering in the corner, and he stopped dead in his tracks. He knew instantly and how could he not? I could see for myself how much we looked alike, the genetic connection was undeniable. The smile faded from his lips, he left his mouth hanging open slightly, absolutely in shock. The frown of his eyebrows continued to deepen as he studied me with an appropriate mixture of hurt and horror. His eyes started to glisten as they welled up with tears. His expression became downright offended and heartbroken.
Heero touched his arm, causing him to whip his head around and look at him incredulously. "Duo," He started gently. "This is Maxwell. Maxwell Schbeicker."
The first thing I said was, with my voice so hoarse it was unrecognizable: "I'm sorry."
"Hilde…?" Was all he could manage.
I nodded.
"I didn't know. I swear I didn't know."
"I know. She lied to you. She lied to both of us."
He slowly approached me and I took a step back, apprehensive. When he was only a few steps away from me he halted and covered his slack mouth with his big hand. "I don't know what to say," He admitted, it came out all mumbled from behind his palm.
I cast my gaze down at my worn shoes. "Me neither."
"You look so much like me," He stated dumbly. He looked over his shoulder at his husband. "He looks so much like me."
Heero and I both nodded.
"I need to sit down," Duo remarked, a little out of breath and with slow, absentminded movements he walked over to the sitting area to take a seat on the couch.
Heero gestured for me to take a seat as well and I did. The Asian man left briefly and returned with three glasses of cool water.
As we just sat there, alternating staring at each other with staring into thin air, I started to become aware of the sound of a clock on the piano, its soft ticks becoming deafening in the silence.
I had been imagining meeting my biological father for over a year, but in spite of that I was completely unprepared; didn't know how to act. It was overwhelmingly new and scary, in the face of which all my usual wit abandoned me. I focused my gaze on Duo's calloused hands that made a rough sound when he rubbed them together nervously.
"When did you find out?" His sudden question startled me.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "My mom told me on my eighteenth birthday. Last year." I awkwardly blurted: "She bought me a car but then she came with the real surprise: 'Greg isn't your dad!'…" I bit my lip, feeling foolish for acting so silly, as if that could alleviate the tension.
"Greg?"
I shrugged. "Just a guy my mom's been friends with for a long time. She talked him into pretending to be my father and showing up a couple of Saturdays a year so I felt like I had a dad, like all the other kids."
Duo's expression was forlorn. The silence returned. The clock seemed louder than ever.
I shot a look at Heero, to my side, when the silence stretched on. For whatever reason I looked to him for support. He returned the look with uncertain eyes, although he did make an effort to calm the turmoil within them in an attempt to reassure me.
The three of us jumped at the sound of the door opening. The young girl, Sala, came rushing in, followed by the dog that was panting around a stick that was almost too big to fit through the doorway.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" She called out and she propelled herself into Duo's lap.
The man momentarily forgot his troubles and took his daughter into his arms, kissing her on her forehead. The tension rushed back into the space when the tall, dark and handsome son Sunnery walked in, his unforgiving glare affixed to me.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't idle outside any longer," The young man explained in response to Heero's stare, as he hadn't been expected to return so soon. "What is going on?!" He demanded to know.
Heero jumped up from his seat and reached out his arms to take his daughter from his spouse. "I'll take her upstairs."
Sunnery leaned down to look his short father into his eyes. "Tell me. Is he…?"
Heero walked by him with his head bowed, carrying Sala upstairs.
Sunnery turned his attention to his other father. "Dad, what is going on?"
"Sunnery, please," Duo urged with soft voice. "Give us a moment. Go home, we will explain things later."
The young man rapidly became seething angry. I shrank in my seat as he moved his big, imposing frame closer to us to confront his father. "No! I will not accept that! Tell me now!" His large fists were clenched at his sides and the muscles in his thick arms were tense and trembling.
Duo shot up from his seat. He was a little shorter than his son, but his expression was fierce and intimidating. "I wouldn't know what to tell you!"
"The truth!" Sunnery spat. "You said you only cheated that one time! You promised you only cheated one time!"
"I did!"
I cringed at their raised voices, sounding so threatening; two alpha males clashing. I wished I could become invisible, or at least sneak out unnoticed, but Sunnery was blocking the path between the coffee table and the lounge chairs that was my only escape.
"Oh, come on! Are you telling me this-" Sunnery gestured at me and I glared up at him at the insult, "- is from nineteen years ago?!"
"It is!"
"I am," I affirmed, far more meekly than I had intended and would later claim.
Sunnery seemed to deflate with a single, mighty sigh. He cocked his head to look down at me with a frown. "You're nineteen?"
I nodded hurriedly.
"Oh." He looked back up at his father, his expression abundantly apologetic. "He looks a lot younger… I thought…"
"We'll talk about this later," Said Duo, his tone less angry but still strict.
Sunnery ducked his head between his shoulders. "I'm sorry."
"What was that all about?" Heero asked when he came back into the living room, immediately both arguing men turned to face him, as if a drill-sergeant had walked in. It seemed they stopped just short of saluting him.
"Our son assumed that I have a string of illegitimate children from several indiscretions," Spat the chestnut-haired man.
Their son argued: "He doesn't look nineteen…" His black eyes were sorrowful.
I cast a sideway glance at Duo, who slumped back into his seat. He buried his face in his hands. I looked away, self-conscious, when I noticed his shoulders started to shake with quiet sobs.
"Duo," Breathed his spouse empathetically and he walked around the coffee table to sit down next to him, laying a gentle hand on his back.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Duo mumbled into his hands.
Heero shook his head. "You don't have to apologize."
"Of course I do!" He looked at his husband with pained eyes. "I'm sorry for putting you through this after all these years," He directed his gaze at his son, "I'm sorry for yelling at you, when I totally deserved that accusation after what I did to Heero back then…" Finally, he turned to look at me. "And I'm sorry for not realizing Hilde was lying to me."
"You couldn't have known," I said with a shrug. "I didn't know."
He leaned forward again and exhaled shakily.
"Maybe we should all just rest a little bit," The Asian man suggested, "Let all this information sink in. We can talk later."
We all agreed to this and we went our separate ways. Sunnery went home after hugging Heero goodbye in the hallway. Heero and Duo headed for the master bedroom and I took shelter in the guest bedroom.
I felt like I was watching a movie, rather than being part of anything. I felt distant and detached. In the back of my mind regret started to gnaw, like maybe I should have never pressed 'play'. But then I argued with myself that I would have had regrets either way, maybe even more so if I had never come to meet them. Possible regret at missing out on the opportunity to meet him – my father – in person had been an important catalyst.
For many months I had been determined not to go see him, figuring that my own personal confusion and identity crisis would be easier to suffer than the confrontation with my biological father. But then one night I had a dream, it was so real I wasn't entirely convinced that it was a dream until later in the morning. I dreamt that I had come to San Francisco, and like what actually happened today, Heero opened the door – of course in my dream he looked different, or rather, he had no face at all as I recall. Heero welcomed me inside and gestured for me to sit on the couch. I asked to see Duo and he replied that he would take me to see him soon, but before that he wanted to talk. He told me a life-story that I now hardly remember, it hadn't been important. Then, he finally invited me to come with him to see Duo. He drove us to a cemetery and guided me to a solemn headstone that read my father's name. Normally, you would wake up at such a point in a dream, but the dream continued relentlessly and I felt wrought with regret at missing out on meeting him. When I woke up my pillow had been wet with tears and I felt so nauseous I had to rush to the bathroom and hid out there by the toilet until dawn. In that moment I decided I had to meet him, regardless of how difficult it would be.
Still, I felt awfully foolish for not thinking it through better. What had I been expecting? What was I still expecting at that point? Had it been fair of me to come? I had only been thinking of myself, of my questions and of the gut-wrenching feeling within myself. My mother had uprooted my life with her confession, but as a result of that had I been justified to take the shovel from her and in turn uproot Duo's life? His entire family's life?
His family. It was too strange to think of them as my family, even though, in a very real way, they were. I had two older brothers and a young sister. That sounded so nice – so much so that an ignorant smile briefly tugged at my lips – but the reality was quite different; it was all a complicated mess. These weren't the siblings I had spent a childhood wishing for.
A commotion drew me to the door. I pressed my ear against it and focused on the raised voice.
"I can't believe her! I can't believe her!" Duo's powerful voice bellowed, stinging with the venom of resentment. "How could she do this to me? How could she have lied to me all this time? What made her think she had the right to keep him from me?"
Heero's responses were too soft for me to decipher. His words didn't seem to register with his husband either, who continued in a rage: "He is my son, Heero. My son!" His bitter laugh sounded wicked and was bone-chilling. "I'm so angry I could hurt her! I could physically hurt her!"
Dangerously curious I softly turned the doorknob and snuck into the hallway. The door to the master bedroom was around the corner at the end of the hallway, it sounded like it was open. I peered around the corner and felt a surge of nervous sweat when I could see Duo sitting on the foot of the bed and Heero standing in front of him.
"You're not angry," Heero observed calmly.
"I am!"
The shorter man shook his head. With a soothing voice he stated: "You're not angry, you're upset. You're hurt."
"I'm all of the above!" Duo exclaimed desperately, throwing his hands in the air, then letting them fall limply to his lap.
"I think her intentions were good," Heero defended my mother, much to my surprise. "I don't think she did it to hurt you, she cared about you too much to want to see you hurt."
Duo snorted and spat: "What makes you say that?"
"She named him after you."
Duo stilled, the comment hit home.
"You don't name a child after someone with any other intention than love and respect."
"How can you be so calm? I'm livid!"
Heero knelt in front of him. "Secretly, I had hoped for a long time that the child was in fact yours," He admitted. "When I came back from my trip, I saw how losing another child had devastated you and for years I indulged in the fantasy that Hilde would show up one day with a young child that looked like you. We had already lost so many children, I liked the idea of one… coming back to us, to soothe all the pain of loss from the past. I hadn't wanted it to take as long as it did, but when Maxwell showed up today and I saw you in all of his features, I was… relieved, in a way." He smiled up at his husband and explained: "I immediately saw the positive side: we've lost one child less. I thought somehow that would alleviate the burden of all those losses that we have been carrying around with us."
Duo gently cupped Heero's face and stared at him, mesmerized. Slowly he closed the distance between them, leaning in for a kiss.
When their eyes closed and their lips touched I turned and quietly went back to the guest bedroom. I lay down on the bed, heaving a sigh. I was conflicted. I felt guilty for being such an intruder, but at the same time I wanted to know more. I needed to know more.
Two hours later there was a knock on my door that woke me with a start. I stared at the horizontal door to the bathroom quizzically, I hadn't even realized I had fallen asleep. I sat up, the world tilting and spinning around me. I dragged my feet across the carpet to open the door. I wasn't surprised to see it was Heero, he seemed to be handling the situation better than his husband – better than anyone, in fact.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He was asking out of politeness only, my disheveled clothes and loose, wayward hair made it unmistakably clear that I had been tossing and turning on the bed.
"No," I lied, also out of politeness.
"Would you like something to eat? We're ordering dinner."
I wanted to decline but my stomach betrayed me with a loud rumble. "What are you ordering?"
"Depends on what you are in the mood for," The man quipped, his exotic eyes narrowed with a bemused look.
"I like Japanese." Heero smiled at my answer and I figured he was probably Japanese.
"Okay. Would you like to join us downstairs or do you prefer to eat in your room?" He asked without judgment.
"Actually," I sheepishly scratched the back of my head, "I'd like to eat here, if that's alright." The emptiness in my stomach was painful, the sounds were embarrassing. I really had to eat but I didn't trust I would be able to swallow even a single bite sitting across from them at the dinner table.
"That's fine. I understand." He seemed genuine. "I'll bring it up."
"Thank you."
Heero nodded, then added as an afterthought: "Oh and Maxwell? We are more than willing to answer all your questions when you are ready to ask them, but we don't appreciate you trying to gather your information by spying on us. I realize we were being kind of loud and I apologize, but you shouldn't have stepped out into the hallway to eavesdrop."
My face was a deep, crimson red and blazing hot. "You noticed that, huh?"
He grinned. "I don't know what your mother told you about our involvement in the war, but you can trust that we will notice anyone who is trying to sneak around."
"I'm sorry."
"That's alright. I understand the impulse. I'll be up with your dinner shortly."
I watched him leave and felt the heat vacate my face.
He returned twenty minutes later with a plate filled with an assortment of tasty food and a large glass of soda. He set it down on the small table by the chairs in the corner.
"After dinner Duo and I are going to go over to Sunnery's place. It's been an overwhelming day for him as well and we need to talk to him."
I nodded dumbly.
"You are welcome to help yourself to anything in the kitchen."
"Thank you."
As I thoughtfully chewed the last of my food I heard the three of them – Duo, Heero and young Sala – leave the house. I could only imagine what the day had been like for them. In a way they probably had a more difficult time than I did, at least I had had a year to adjust the idea, they had to acclimate to the situation in a rushed pace. It was probably wrong of me to accept Heero's invitation to stay in their house, I hadn't intended to force myself onto them like that. I toyed with the idea of taking my suitcase back downstairs and leaving, to give them more time. What stopped me was the realization that it would be no less rude to dump this information on them and then just bail. Besides, if I left I didn't know if I would ever again find the courage to return.
The day hadn't really quenched my thirst for answers, so after walking my dishes to the kitchen and briefly giving some attention to the dog, I started exploring the house. The first thing I did was sit down at the piano and play a few tentative notes. The space filled with crisp if incomplete music, the tones were made warm and homey by the surroundings in which they evaporated and I listened to them drift away as if I had never heard them before. I dropped my hands into my lap and listened to the ticking of the clock, waiting for my heart to stop racing. Then I continued my journey through the house. I scrutinized the pictures on the mantelpiece again and I wondered of which child the in utero images were. Probably Sala, I figured, since the two sons weren't adopted until a later age.
Upstairs I only dared to stand in the doorways to the bedrooms. The master bedroom was expansive and was located opposite of the guest bedroom, also overlooking the courtyard at the back of the house. The bed was neatly made with the exception of the indentation in the sheets at the foot of the bed where Duo had sat. There were books on both nightstands. In the corner of the room, by the dresser, was a glass wall with photos – or postcards, rather – sandwiched in between two panes of glass. There were so many they created a private area for undressing. I was curious to see the images up close but I would be violating their trust by inviting myself into their bedroom like that.
I moved on to the next bedroom. Pink letters on the door spelled out the daughter's name. It was a typical young girl's room; a lot of pink and a lot of stuffed animals. The closet door was covered with the kind of drawings you could expect of a child her age; crude but innately endearing. Most of the drawings featured five stick figures and a black blob that were supposed to represent her family and the beloved pet. Papers and crayons were spread out on the floor and it appeared she had been dedicating her time to drawing Santa Clauses and reindeers.
The other two bedrooms had been the son's bedrooms and they had been kept the way the young men had left them when they moved out. I didn't think I would be able to guess which room belonged to whom, until I noticed the collection of Yale memorabilia stuck to the wall above the desk in one of the rooms and I remembered Heero telling me Annadal studied at Yale. It was a typical guy's room with a lot of cool-toned colors and carelessly mismatched furniture. There were a lot of books, the stacked shelves – slightly bowing under the weight – were the most distinguishing feature of the space. The other room, Sunnery's, was outfitted in shades of brown and green, offset by colorful jerseys of favorite sport teams. There was an old guitar propped up against the side of the desk. The wood of the guitar was worn with years of intensive use, whereas the surface of the desk was not. So unlike his brother he wasn't really big on studying and instead appeared to be an avid fan of music. The shelves in his room were cluttered with outdated CD's and ancient vinyl albums.
It was quite unnerving to realize I had something in common with this brother I had never met before today. And apparently I shared a love of literary works with Annadal. It was equally unsettling to think that under different circumstances we would likely have gotten along.
I went back to my room – my room? – and took a night shirt and sweatpants out of my suitcase. I didn't feel comfortable fully unpacking. I got changed and crawled into the bed.
When I woke up it was morning, early morning. What had awoken me were the excited calls of Sala downstairs and the dog barking as if he was having a conversation with her.
"Mommy! Mommy!" She called and ran around the house with remarkably loud footfalls.
Mommy? I blinked up at the ceiling. Was her biological mother here? Was she in touch with the family?
I kicked the sheets away from me and took my time showering and getting dressed before gathering up my nerve to head downstairs. Standing in the middle of the hallway I watched the child race by me towards the kitchen. She stopped abruptly and looked up at me with uncertain eyes. Then she seemed to remember me from our brief introduction the day before and she exclaimed: "You're Max!"
No one actually ever called me Max – I didn't really have any friends that knew me well enough to take the liberty of shortening my name and I never introduced myself as Max before, but it had seemed better than telling the young girl that my name was Maxwell. So with a shrug I replied: "Jup." I stood there like a sack of potatoes, not knowing what to do.
"Come! Come!" She reached out and grabbed my hand and tugged me along urgently. "My mommy is in the kitchen making breakfast!"
With raised eyebrows I let her guide me into the kitchen, where she let go of my hand.
"Mommy! Can Max have pancakes too?"
"Of course," Replied Heero, "If he wants pancakes he can have pancakes." He looked up at me with the question in his eyes.
"I'd… love pancakes…" I looked around the kitchen and sure enough the three of us were the only ones there. "Are you… 'mommy'?"
The man chuckled sheepishly. "It's something she picked up at preschool. She came home the first day and said that every other boy and girl there had a daddy and a mommy, not two daddies. And she figured that if that was true for everyone else, it must also be the case in her family. She gave it a lot of thought and, much to my horror and Duo's amusement, she decided that I am the mommy. We gave up on trying to explain to her that a family can also have two daddies and that only a woman can be a mommy. She'll get it when she's a little older."
"Oh." After a few minutes of silence Heero handed me a plate with a stack of pancakes and we all took a seat at the breakfast table by the bay window.
Sala poured figures of syrup onto her pancakes until her 'mommy' instructed her to eat them before they would get cold.
"Where's Duo?" I thought to ask.
"He's sorting out a couple of things at the garage, so he can take the rest of the week off," Heero answered matter-of-factly and then smiled watching his daughter trying to fit a big piece of pancake into her mouth, getting sticky syrup on her chin. He reached out with his napkin and wiped her clean while she busily chewed her mouthful.
"Garage?"
"Duo owns a garage. A chain of them actually. He's really hands-on and still likes to get his hands dirty, so he just has to shuffle the schedule a little to get some extra time off."
"Daddy comes home with his hands black-"
"Don't talk with your mouth full, sweetie."
She hurriedly chewed and dutifully swallowed before continuing: "And he has black smears on his face and- and then mommy has black smears on his face too when daddy kisses him. And one time- one time daddy chased me around the house with his black hands and when he caught me he rubbed his fingers on my cheeks and got my face all dirty and I laughed so hard! I laughed so hard I scared the puppy." Out of breath she added: "Reynor was just a puppy then. He was scared of a lot of things! Now, he is a bigbig dog and he isn't scared of anything. Except the vacuum cleaner. He's scared of the vacuum cleaner." She smiled broadly, exposing missing teeth.
"Wow, so he is a brave dog, huh?" I responded. "I bet you don't have to be scared of anything with a such a brave dog to protect you."
Sala giggled. "I sleep with a nightlight because I'm scared of the dark. Even when I snuck Reynor upstairs to sleep in bed with me I was scared of the dark, so mommy leaves a light on for me. I'm not scared with the light on. And it's a really small light! So it's almost dark!"
"Then you are very brave too."
She giggled again. "Am not."
"You're good with her," Heero noted with a fond smile. "Do you- Do you have brothers or sisters? I mean… Well, you know what I mean."
I nodded. "Yeah, but I don't have any siblings. I always wanted them."
"Then I guess now you do," Heero remarked, "If you want, that is."
I didn't answer, I didn't know yet what I wanted, or what kind of claim I even had to this family.
Sala jumped out of her seat and rushed to the hallway at the sound of the front door opening. Reynor trotted after her.
"Hey Sally!"
"Daddy, mommy made pancakes!"
"Your favorite?! What on earth did you do to deserve that?"
"I'm a good girl!"
"That you are…" His words trailed off when he stepped into the kitchen, carrying Sala, and his eyes fell on me. "Good morning."
"Good morning," I replied dutifully.
He walked around me and bent over to place a chaste kiss on Heero's lips. "Hey,' He whispered to him lovingly.
"Hey."
Duo sat his daughter back down in her chair and urged her to finish her breakfast. He took a seat next to her, across from me. "Did you sleep well?"
"Surprisingly, I did."
"Good. That's good."
I worried the inside of my cheek with my teeth. "How did your conversation with Sunnery go?"
He and Heero exchanged looks. "He took it reasonably well. He was shocked," Duo recounted, "And it wasn't that long ago that we told him my full history with Hilde… so the topic is still particularly sensitive." After a thoughtful pause he added: "I would really like for you two to be able to properly meet, when you are both ready."
"I'd like that too," I concurred unenthusiastically, "Although I'm not sure when that will be."
"I know he came off really severe yesterday. It was only due to the circumstances. He's a really kind and approachable guy, his friends don't call him 'The Gentle Giant' without reason."
"I don't doubt that he is a nice guy, but like you said, the circumstances change things and the circumstances are what they are. I'm not sure he'd be happy to meet me anytime soon."
"What does 'circastances' mean?" Sala wondered with an innocently curious voice.
Duo chuckled warmly. "Circumstances," he clarified, "are the conditions of a situation; what you are feeling and what you are doing, or have been doing."
The young girl didn't look any less confused but nodded vehemently nonetheless, making her parents smile.
"It's a big word," her 'mommy' assured her.
Sala nodded. "I'm too little for big words."
"Yes, you are, but not for long. You're getting bigger every day!" Duo called and he rose from his seat and picked her up with a grunt. "Let's get you ready to go to miss Patty."
"I'll take her," Heero intervened and reached out for her. "You should stay with Max." He carried Sala out of the kitchen and her little hand waved goodbye at me over his shoulder.
My father sat back down at the table, the movements of his limbs stiff and uncomfortable, reflecting the atmosphere between us. I shifted in my seat and alternated the focus of my gaze between the surface of the table and his face. Slight wisps of chestnut hair that had freed themselves from the ponytail framed aged but handsome features. He had lines of his forehead – frown lines, but the lines around his mouth were deeper; he had laughed a lot. His eyes conveyed a maturity in their calmly observant expression, but a youthful, mischievous glint lingered in the orbs of undefined shade. His hands were big, with pronounced, wiry veins and rough callouses on his palms and fingertips. I didn't know what it was about him, but he carried himself with a dignity that made him seem taller yet no less approachable.
When I caught him scrutinizing me I wondered what his eyes saw. I only ever saw a disheveled kid, too skinny for my height. It was strange to think I was looking at my father and he was looking at his son.
"I imagine you have questions for me," He started abruptly.
"It is why I came," I admitted. "But asking them is harder than I expected it would be."
"You don't have to be scared to ask questions."
"It's not that…" It were the potential answers that frightened me. What if I were to discover he was a horrible person, what did that say about me? How do you fight genetics that are so strong your face is only a slightly distorted reflection of your father's? "I guess… I guess I'd like to know what happened between you and my mom."
His eyebrows raised. "She didn't tell you?"
"She only said you left her to be with Heero, who showed up out of the blue."
He nodded in understanding. "I suppose that is what it must have been like for her. I mean no offense to Hilde, but our relationship was never good. Our romantic relationship that is. I soon realized we were best as friends, but by then I had already made a commitment to her and I was too afraid that the truth of my… indifference regarding our romance would deeply hurt her."
Following the recent, shocking truths that had been revealed to me, I felt certain in my assertion that always being truthful was best, even if you think you are protecting somebody by feeding them a lie. The lie may have a better taste to it, but it festers in the pit of the stomach and corrupts everything.
"When I was with Hilde on L2, I thought a lot about Heero. I had lived with him on Earth for a year before moving up to L2 to be with Hilde. I missed him and it wasn't before long I realized why I missed him as much as I did… I loved him. I tried to find him, but I couldn't. I felt so lonely, I couldn't stand the thought of losing Hilde's company, so I didn't put an end to our relationship when I should have."
"It was selfish of you."
Rather than defending himself, which I had been expecting, he agreed. "I was being selfish. I didn't fully comprehend that at the time, I thought I was doing her a favor as well, but you are right, it was selfish and wrong of me to lead her on." After a pause, trying to read my expression, he continued: "Heero showed up two years later. It wasn't until I saw him that night that I realized I could not go on living without him. It was in that moment that I realized how empty my life had been. I had been denying myself true love and I had been denying Hilde the opportunity for true love as well. I chased after Heero that night, to never return… There were many things I should have done differently, but although I have now come to that realization, there is nothing I can do now to change what I did. I was only eighteen years old, everyone thought me mature beyond my age, but I in many regards I was still just a kid."
"Eighteen…" I echoed.
"Yeah."
"I didn't know that."
"It's no excuse. It doesn't change anything. I treated your mother poorly. I had blinders on, all I saw was Heero. He was all I could focus on."
I nodded, although I couldn't fully understand the gravity he was alluding to, as I had never been truly in love. I hadn't yet experienced that full devotion to a single person that was someone other than yourself. It was rather obvious to me I was still the selfish young kid that Duo also admitted to being at that age. "So you never loved my mom?"
His smile was sorrowful. "Not the way she wanted me to."
"But you did love Heero?"
"Yes. Wholeheartedly. I still do."
I frowned at my hands, fidgeting in my lap. "If you never loved my mom but loved Heero instead, how is it possible that I am here?"
Duo's gaze dropped down to his own hands, folded tensely on top of the table.
"I am too young to have been conceived while you were still dating her," I concluded, a venomous tone to my voice. "If you love Heero and never loved my mom, why would you cheat on him with her?"
"That's a more complicated story."
"Well, I'm quite smart, I'm sure I'll get it if you explain it to me slowly, with small words," I spat sarcastically.
He didn't get angry with me for my attitude, even though he probably had the right to. His expression was one of hurt and guilt. "I love Heero, that has never changed and will never change," He began solemnly. "But sometimes things can get so painful that even that kind of love isn't enough to ease away the hurt. I was in such… agony that I wasn't thinking straight. I was foolishly and selfishly looking for a balm to treat my wounds."
"Why were you wounded?"
"Heero and I had been trying to adopt for quite a while at the time and every time it fell through. We came so close, only to be disappointed. After all those failed attempts we decided to try to have a child through surrogacy. But-" He took a moment to compose himself, "the birth mother fell down a flight of stairs and at six months our son was stillborn."
My shoulders slumped, my anger leaving me in a quiet exhale.
"It was very difficult." He chuckled bitterly at the understatement. "Heero and I were both heartbroken and our different ways of dealing with the loss clashed. Heero wanted to forget, wanted to pretend it never happened, he didn't know how else to manage. I, on the other hand, needed to talk about it, needed it to be acknowledged. I needed help to try and find a place for it. It came to a point where all I could do was yell at him and all he could do was ignore me. Our behavior only made it more difficult for the other. When nearly a year had passed since the birth and death of our son, Leander,"
I reeled at the name. It echoed in my head. I knew it from a Greek tragedy and then all of a sudden it was a personal tragedy.
"I wanted to commemorate the day, so about a month before the anniversary I tried talking about him to Heero, but we still weren't on the same page. We weren't even in the same book. What I had wanted to be a rational, openhearted discussion turned into another fight, a very bad fight. I said all the wrong things and Heero said all the wrong things and in the end he told me he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't want me to touch him… that he wanted me to leave." He momentarily lost himself in the memory. "I should have known better, I should have known that he didn't mean it. I should have stayed with him, but I didn't, I walked out. I was so hurt, I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay, I needed someone to comfort me and Heero couldn't give me that, he was too distraught himself. I spent the night in a motel and I ended up reaching out to Hilde. We had more or less patched things up at that point and I was in dire need of a friend. I hadn't asked for it, but she came to see me and she said all the things I wanted to hear. I indulged in her kindness and in the numbness that alcohol provided. I don't know exactly how it happened, but there was a bed and at some point we ended up sprawled across it and I wanted more of that warmth and that ignorance. I failed to think of Heero. I failed to consider the consequences. I let it happen, not once pausing to think how much I would regret it the next morning. I-" He stopped himself and looked at me, like it only then dawned on him that the story he was telling was my story, the story of how I came to be. "I cared for your mother, but I was never going to give up on Heero and I. And my mistake only made it all the more difficult for us to move past our pain and come together again. When I told Heero of my unfaithfulness and later of the pregnancy, I watched him collapse in on himself even more. That wasn't what I wanted and that is why I always regretted that night."
Tears stung my eyes. I wasn't just an unplanned child, I wasn't just an unwanted child, I was a child born of pain and grief and received with loathing and fear.
"But when Hilde told me she was pregnant, I- It wasn't like I didn't want you," He insisted, "Because I did. I wanted a child. I wanted you." His eyes welled up and his voice cracked. "But it was difficult because I couldn't stand the thought of losing Heero."
"And that is why she lied to you, right?" I asked with wavering voice. "That is why she told you I wasn't yours, so you would be free to be with Heero?"
He breathed: "I think so…"
I sighed and tried to inconspicuously wipe away the tears that clung to my lower lashes. "Well, at least her lie did some good…" I gasped when he reached out and touched my hand that I had rested on the surface of the table.
"I am not grateful for her lie. There wasn't a single moment that I wished you weren't mine."
"Shit," I cursed when I felt more tears threatening to spill. I used my free hand to cover my face while the other trembled in Duo's grip. "Fuck, I didn't want you to see me cry," I spoke pathetically but I already started sobbing.
"It's okay. It's fine…" Duo said soothingly and from the pitch in his voice I could tell he was freely crying too.
"I- I feel… so horrible," I stammered between sharp breaths. "I ruined everybody's life."
"No! No! I'm certain you made your mother happy when you were born. And… And you make me happy now."
I lowered my hand to stare at him with red, sore eyes.
"I'm happy that you're my son. I only wish I had known all along."
"But then you wouldn't have Heero," I pointed out.
He shook his head morosely. "Your mother's lie could not fix what was broken between me and Heero. I went into that hospital alone to meet you. Heero couldn't go through with it. He was away for two years, not knowing what your mother had told me. When he came back he had been ready to be with me and with you and with Hilde. I can't say for sure if things would have worked out, but he had been willing to try. I think we could have made it work. I would have liked to have been able to find out. I always considered I lost you the same way we lost Leander and I always mourned that loss."
I yanked my hand away. "Look, I didn't come here to get myself a 'daddy'. I just needed some answers. I don't want you to get the idea that somehow we're going to be a family, that I am the lost son returning to you." I jumped out of my seat and sprinted upstairs. Once in the guest bedroom I started stuffing my toothbrush and yesterday's clothes back into my suitcase, but as I angrily zipped it up, getting my favorite shirt caught in the zipper, ruining it, I realized that I couldn't leave. Nothing had been resolved, I hadn't found the peace of mind that I had come looking for. I still didn't understand who I was now that homosexual war-veteran Duo was my father instead of straight, bookish, barely-there Greg and now that my mother was a liar.
There was a knock on the door not half an hour later. Someone was eager to get right back on the horse…
"Come in," I called, still seated on the carpet by my haphazardly packed suitcase.
Duo popped his head in. He observed me and then decided to completely ignore the implication of me being in the middle of zipping up my suitcase. "Hey."
"Hey."
"Can I come in?"
"I already said you could. Besides, it's your house."
He sighed, he didn't seem to like my snappy remark. He came in and took a seat on the foot of the bed, leaning his elbows on his knees. "About what you said downstairs… I'm not trying to force you into any involvement with this family. I have no expectations, I have no demands. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you want from me, I am willing to give you. If you want to leave right now," He nodded at the suitcase, "and never see me again, I'll respect that. If you want to be a part of the family, to whatever extent you are comfortable with, I am happy to invite you in. And anything in between."
"Thanks…" I played nervously with the piece of my shirt sticking out of the suitcase. "I don't want to leave right now…"
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. That's good."
"I would like to get to know you."
"I would like to get to know you too."
"Alright," I looked around myself uncertainly. "Maybe we should approach this a little more casually. Like… just talk about stuff… like your job or something. Heero said you own a couple of garages."
"Yeah. I started working as a mechanic at this garage downtown over twenty-five years ago and the guy who owned it left it to me when he passed away. He didn't have any kids and when I worked for him we became good friends. But even though I own it and several other shops, I pretty much steer clear of the office-part of the job, I prefer to work on the cars myself."
"So you fix cars."
"I restore vintage cars."
"Cool," I responded flatly.
"Do you like cars?"
"Not really… and I don't know the first thing about the mechanics."
Duo chuckled kindly. "Well, what do you like?"
"Uhm…" Somehow our casual conversation felt very intimate to me. "Music. I like music."
"Great. Do you play an instrument?"
I scratched the back of my neck. "Quite a few actually," The pride and joy in my tone just slipped by me unnoticed. "But the piano is my favorite."
"We have a piano."
"Yeah, I saw it. Do you play?"
He chuckled and moved to join me on the floor leaning his back against the bed. "Not really. Heero plays the piano, but he's not schooled or anything. What about you?"
"I've been taking piano lessons since I was six. I study music at the George Washington University."
"Wow," He appeared genuinely impressed and intrigued.
"I want to become a composer… like for movies and plays and stuff."
"That's incredible."
I blushed and ducked my head. "Thanks." Eager to fill the silence that settled between us, although it wasn't necessarily an uncomfortable silence, I inquired: "What about your sons? What do they study?"
"Well, Sunnery actually did a minor in Jazz studies. Music is his life. But he chose to major in Art History, because he liked the idea of being able to teach as a back-up plan. He currently works as a sub at a high school and some nights he has gigs in Jazz clubs. Annadal studies Biomedical Engineering at Yale, he comes home talking about stuff that I don't understand the least of. He's in Barcelona now for an exchange program."
"Yeah, Heero told me."
"Right," He smiled.
"What does Heero do?"
His smile broadened at my apparent interest. "Heero works as a freelance hacker, slash programmer, slash web-designer. Pretty much whenever someone on the West coast has some kind of computer-trouble, he comes to their rescue."
"So a mechanic and a hacker…" I mused. "Is that what you did during the war?"
He let out a hearty laugh. "I suppose that was a small aspect of it."
"What else did you do?'
He looked at me with a mischievous grin. "What we did during the war can't really be considered as 'casual stuff', so I'm not sure if we should dive into that topic right now. It's a pretty astounding story. It certainly had a big impact on Sunny and Anny when we told them."
Deciding to drop the war-topic then, I wondered: "Sunny and Anny?"
"Just nicknames Sala came up with. They stick."
"Sounds like you have a pretty idyllic family…"
Duo snorted in response. "Oh, I wish. There's no major drama or anything, but we aren't perfect. Sunny and I head-butt constantly, we both have short tempers and completely opposite world views. Both him and Anny always take Heero's side in an argument, only Sala ever stands up for me," He laughed and shook his head and jokingly added: "And it took forever to housetrain Reynor."
I let out a single chuckle.
"What about your family?"
The question stung a little. "It's just me and my mom… We used to get along really well and… I was content and stuff. But lately, since she told me about you, things haven't been the same. I find it hard to even just talk to her. I've been avoiding her."
"I guess it's important to understand that she did it with the best intentions…"
I stared at him. "Could you forgive her? Do you?"
He shrugged, uncertain of the answer. "I'm not sure. I don't think it'd feel particularly forgiving if I were to see her in the near future, but at the same time I can't imagine never being able to move past it. I forgave her for tricking me into thinking a baby was mine when she said that wasn't the case… I'd like to think I could again forgive her for lying."
I shook my head. "She's a different person to me now. I always thought of her as honest and trustworthy, but she's not and I don't like how that affects her and our relationship. It also…" I sighed. "It makes me question things about myself. In a way I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I'm the son of a different mother than I thought. I'm the son of a different father than I thought."
Duo looked at me with understanding eyes. "I don't think that changes who you are. You are more than the son of your parents, you are your own person."
Maybe, I thought, but nature and nurture had to be at work to a certain extent. "So much for casual stuff," I scoffed, then offered him a smile.
"Yeah," He concurred, reflecting my smile.
The conversation was the start of an awkward but not entirely uncomfortable week. Although we had yet to establish a normal way in which to interact we managed to prevent tense silences by having quiet talks about mostly unimportant matters. In many ways it didn't feel like I was struggling to get to know someone knew, it was more like I was reacquainting with an old friend that I got out of touch with. Small things that were revealed to me made me feel like I already knew Duo and Heero – or like I had known them in a past life. Their presence felt familiar. I could hear myself, from years ago, in Heero's untrained yet mesmerizing play of the piano. I saw myself in the disarming inelegance of Duo as he played with his daughter, or teased Heero. When I saw the two of them together, lounging on the couch, or navigating the space of the kitchen as they quarreled over who ruined the pasta, or exchanging kisses when they thought I wasn't paying attention to them, I was reminded of dreams I had had of what my family would have been like if Greg – who I then believed to be my father - and my mother were together.
I think they hid their more intimate interactions from me because they worried I would be uncomfortable or would disprove and while I too expected that to be the case, I discovered I got used to the idea of them together surprisingly rapidly. They were so natural together, such a great fit. After only a few days it was apparent to me that they belonged together, in the deepest, most sappy way imaginable. One night I heard them make love. They tried to be quiet but still my trained ears were able to discern Duo's throaty groans and Heero's higher pitched gasps. I felt embarrassed and mortified like I imagined anyone would be hearing their parents have sex, even though I repeatedly reminded myself that they were not really my parents. Or were they? The lines were starting to get blurred.
Duo told me halfway through the week that they had contacted Hilde. Duo told me it had been a short conversation, he confessed that he hadn't known what to say. I could sympathize with that, I experienced the same thing, which is why I hadn't even bothered to call her. I had nothing to say to her.
When it was two days before Christmas Duo and Heero asked me if I would like to stay with them during the Holiday. I surprised them – I think pleasantly so – by instantly accepting their invitation. Although my heart did sink a little when they reminded me Annadal would arriving the next day and he and Sunnery would be staying at the house until the first of January. And of course friends would be joining them for a dinner on Christmas day.
Heero and Duo left to pick Annadal up from the airport and pick up Sunnery along the way. Annadal had already been informed of the situation by way of a long-distance phone call that I understood to be emotional.
I offered to watch over Sala while they were away. I played with her to distract her from my nerves. She had proceeded to call me 'Maxxie', even though I was given permission to formally introduce myself as Maxwell. It had grown on me, the new name. Duo and Heero had taken to calling me Max and for some reason it made me feel special, like I was this whole new, interesting person with them and I kind of liked this 'Max', or 'Maxxie'. With his nickname he felt like a better fit in the family of 'Daddy', 'Mommy', 'Sunny', 'Anny' and 'Sally'.
The toy I had been holding fell to the floor and I scrambled upright when the front door opened.
Duo and Heero came into the living room first, closely followed by their sons, who looked exactly like they did in the picture on the mantelpiece.
Annadal was as tall as his brother, but built slight and elegantly. His ice-blue eyes were piercing as he scrutinized me with a calculating glare.
"Guys, this is Maxwell," Said Duo when Sala was done hugging both her brothers, and he moved to stand beside me for support.
The blond son reached out a stiff hand towards me.
I shook his hand cautiously.
"I'm Annadal. But they all call me Anny. That's Sala's fault," He stated dryly.
I got the distinct impression he was the more introverted, socially stunted one of the family. "Hi. It's good to meet you."
"He sounds like dad too," Annadal remarked, after previously leaving the 'he-looks-like-him' comment unspoken. "So your name is Maxwell?"
I nodded.
"Then your name is technically Maxwell Maxwell."
Sunnery snickered but molded his expression into something indifferent after being on the receiving end of Heero's glare.
"Technically my name is Maxwell Schbeicker."
"Right, of course." He looked at his fathers and announced: "It's been a long flight. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep for a little while." He pivoted on his heels and marched away. Eventually his brother followed him upstairs.
Duo released a sigh. "I think that went quite well."
I cocked an eyebrow. "You do?"
"Well… he didn't make you cry. He has a habit of making people cry."
Nice, I thought.
Heero urged me not to worry too much about it. They were just being antagonistic out of insecurity, or so he claimed.
The next day I was sitting in the guest bedroom, reading a book I had borrowed from Heero when Sunnery appeared in the doorway.
"Mind if I come in?" He asked after a quiet knock on the wide open door.
"Door's open."
He stepped inside and looked around like he had never seen the guest bedroom. He was nervous.
I noticed he was holding the old guitar I had spotted in his room a few days ago, that made me hopeful he had come to reach out to me. That or he planned to beat me to death with the instrument.
"Can I sit?" He pointed at the unoccupied chair.
"Sure."
He sat down gingerly and took the guitar into his lap. "So… What's up?"
"I'm fine. You?"
"I'm good." He scrunched up his face at the forced exchange of niceties.
Taking a leap I commented: "Your dad told me you studied Jazz music."
"My dad?" He asked with raised eyebrows, emphasizing the first word.
I shrugged.
He dropped it and replied: "Yeah, I graduated this year. He told me you're studying music."
"Yeah. I want to compose."
"That's cool." He chewed his lip.
As the silence stretched I wondered: "What are you doing here?"
"Dad practically forced me to come in here with my guitar."
"Which one?"
"Huh?"
I chuckled. "Which dad?"
He let out a breathy laugh. "Uh, 'mommy'. Don't tell him I called him that, I promised I wouldn't. It's just so funny."
"Your secret is safe with me." I struggled to keep the words coming, in coherent sentences no less. "So, you like Jazz huh?"
A broad smile appear on his lips. "Yeah, I love it. I especially like Soul Jazz. I play the saxophone mostly, a guitar like this doesn't really give that Jazz feel, you know? This thing in particular," He maneuvered the guitar in his lap, "bought this cheap thing when I was fourteen, before I had even 'discovered' Jazz. You get better sound out of fish wires strung across an empty tuna can." He plucked at the strings to produce a short melody. The sound was crude, but not as horrible as he described. "My dad really likes you, you know?" He spoke softly as his fingers continued to draw muted sounds from the instrument.
"Which one?" I asked again.
He snorted, but smiled. "Both."
"I like them too," I admitted.
"But?"
I shook my head. "There's no but."
"They're gay, there's always a but." He chuckled at what was apparently an inside joke.
"I don't mind that they're gay. They're nice together."
"They are," He agreed absent-mindedly, "You can tell they really still love each other… and still have the hots for each other too. After all those years... It's not natural," He joked.
"Are you-" I stopped myself but when he looked up at me I knew I had already said too much and I might as well ask the question properly. "Are you gay?"
"Why would you even ask that?" He asked calmly.
"Because you were raised by two gay dads."
He shook his head, bemused. "It doesn't work like that. They didn't 'turn me gay'. I'm straight. Anny thinks he's bi, but honestly, he has never even really dated, boy nor girl, it's all still theoretical to him. Are you worried having a gay dad somehow influences your sexuality?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. It had crossed my mind."
"I don't think it works like that either. Have you had girlfriends?" He inquired casually.
I blushed. "Yeah. A couple."
"Was it nice?"
I gave it some serious thought and concluded: "Yes, very."
He smirked. "Unless that changes I wouldn't worry too much about it if I were you."
"Thanks."
He frowned. "What for?"
"I never really had someone to talk to about stuff like this."
"Well, you do now. You have two big brothers now," Sunnery said matter-of-factly, focusing on his fingers that manipulated the strings.
I didn't argue with him, instead I accepted it. Whereas the idea had scared me only a few days ago, I kind of liked it. Having two big brothers – and by extension a younger sister – made me feel like a more complete person. I'm Max, I thought to myself, I have two big brothers and a baby sister. I liked the sound of that. "Can I play a little?"
He looked at me in surprise. "I thought you play the piano?"
"I also play guitar and violin, among others."
He shrugged and handed me the instrument. He sat back and listened to me play. "I'm sorry I was kind of a dick before," He started out of nowhere.
I stilled my fingers. "It's fine."
"I was just shocked, you know? And sometimes I can still get really mad at dad, since he told me he cheated that one time, even though it was a long time ago."
"I understand."
"Cool."
And just like that it was; cool. It would take me and Annadal a while longer to get along, but he quickly got over his hostility.
Before the guests would be arriving on Christmas day I wandered into the master bedroom. Heero was sitting on the edge of the bed, tying his shoes, his hair still damp from the shower he had taken. He looked nice in black slacks and a white button-up shirt. He looked better than I did, in a similar outfit that Duo had lent me. The clothes were a bit too big on me, I was far skinnier than Duo.
"Hey," I said awkwardly.
"Hey. Nervous?"
"A little."
He smiled and straightened up. "Don't be. You look good."
"Thanks." I inched closer to the wall of postcards in the corner. I had forgotten about them, but when my eyes landed on them my curiosity was piqued anew. "I had been meaning to ask you about these," I gazed at the images of wildly differing landscapes and mixture of modern and historic architecture. Heero went on an impromptu trip around the world when he decided, on the day of my birth, that he needed some time for himself. I assumed the postcards were tokens from his journey.
Heero confirmed my suspicion by answering: "I sent them to Duo while I was on my soul-searching trip. It was the only contact we had for two years. I was moving around a lot, obviously, so he could never respond. And it was probably better that way, if I had found out what Hilde had told him I would have come rushing back to him to comfort him, even though I don't think it would have done us much good. I really needed that time for myself. To figure out who I was, other than Duo's husband."
I nodded. "Maybe I should go on a trip around the world."
Heero chuckled. "It's not cheap. It's not easy either. But if you think it's the right thing to do I would encourage it."
"I don't know," I replied, studying the images. "Sometimes I just don't know who I am anymore. I thought coming here and getting to know Duo would help me figure out who I was exactly."
Heero came to stand beside me. In a quiet tone he said: "I don't think you can find out who you are by heading back to where you came from. You can only find out who you are by determining where you are going."
I blinked at him. The words hit home.
"It's just what I think. I don't believe your genetic lineage is the key to understanding who you are. I never knew my parents, neither did Duo, but we managed to figure things out; we found our way."
I stared at the postcards pondering over what he said, realizing it was the truth.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded mutely.
"I'm going to go downstairs and set things up. Come down whenever you're ready." He departed with inaudible footfalls.
My eyes trailed down the wall, following the chronological order of the postcards that started out in the green landscape of Canada, then jumped the Atlantic ocean to Europe, zigzagged down the African continent, bounced through the Middle East and travelled down Russia, taking a detour to Japan, heading further south through China, Thailand and Indonesia and lingering in Australia before flying over to Argentina and slowly making its way North until it ended abruptly with a final postcard from the Mexican/American border.
I walked around to wall to read the scribbles on the back of a select number of postcards.
I canoed up the Yukon and camped on the riverbanks. A bear stole my fish.
I was in The Netherlands and went to see Hendrik, but he died a few years ago.
I'm traveling through Mongolia on horseback. I'm thinking of you. I'm missing you.
Next stop: Japan. I am homesick for you. But I'm not ready to come home yet.
Everyone in Australia is so kind and open. They all remind me of you.
I heard the first of the guests coming in through the front door. I bent over to quickly read the last postcard. I wanted to be downstairs while the guests were arriving, so I could meet them one at a time as they showed up.
There is only one more thing I want to do: a road trip across the United States.
I frowned. Why weren't there any postcards of that leg of his journey?
"What's with the face?" Duo appeared in the doorway.
"I was just wondering why the postcards ended there."
Duo smiled. "Because two days after I received that card Heero showed up at my doorstep and gave me the keys to a vintage car he had bought and asked me to come with him. We travelled throughout the USA together, so there was no need for him to send me any postcards. I was right there with him."
"Wow…"
"I know, it's an excellent story to tell at parties," He smirked. "Speaking of which, let's head downstairs."
I followed him downstairs where he introduced me to his friends as they all started to arrive. Quatre and Trowa Barton and WuFei and Sally Chang, people they knew from the war, which I still didn't know much about. The last couple to arrive introduced themselves as Nicky and Mark Bryar. It wasn't really said how they knew Duo and Heero, but they seemed close.
I had expected to feel left out and shunned, but that was far from the case. Everyone was remarkably kind and welcoming. Duo introduced me as his son, Max, and I was only greeted with smiles and genuine interest. I felt like I was part of the family and during dinner I let out an abrupt laugh, earning odd looks, when I remembered something Annadal had sad.
I really was 'Maxwell Maxwell'.
"Nothing, I'm sorry," I mumbled into my napkin at the curious stares. I let myself disappear into the background momentarily to observe the group. Heero and Duo were at opposite ends of the table, but from the way they exchanged looks it seemed like they were still able to have an intimate conversation with each other, no words required. Sala sat to Duo's left, she had her own Christmas meal of fries and pieces of crispy chicken shaped like stars that she played with more than she ate them. Sunnery and Annadal were seated next to Heero, across the table from each other. Annadal was trying to explain something 'science-y' to his brother, completely unaware that he was being made fun of by Sunnery who mimicked his impassioned hand gestures, but his smile was warm and his eyes held no malice. Quatre, a man with platinum blond hair, sat next to his husband, Trowa, who was taller than all the others, including 'The Gentle Giant'. They were reminiscing with the couple seated across from them, the athletic looking WuFei and his beautiful wife Sally, who regularly produced pictures of their children from their pockets to proudly show everyone. Nicky and Mark, to Duo's right, shared a soft conversation with him and for whatever reason, as he talked with them, Duo kept looking at Heero, his smile one of complete joy. Then suddenly his eyes found me and his expression remained utterly happy.
I smiled shyly in return and then excused myself. I made my way upstairs and searched the pockets of the jeans I had been wearing for my phone.
For the first time in a long time I missed my mother. I hadn't longed to talk to her ever since she confessed she had been lying, I had dreaded and avoided it, in fact. We had hardly spoken for over a year and I had been fine with that, busily processing the new information and new emotions. But as I saw the Maxwells, the Bartons, the Changs and the Bryars have dinner together I realized my mother was alone this Christmas – for the first time since I was born – and part of me deeply regretted not being home with her. No matter how close I started to feel to my biological father, his husband and my new siblings, my mother would always be family too. No mistake could undo that. Now that I had seen that in spite of the horrible lies she told – with the intention of protecting the people she loved – we would all land on our feet and we could all still be happy, together, regardless of past hurts and missed moments, I felt the last of my resentment for her actions wash way. After all, I would never know for certain if things had worked out for the better if she had told everyone the truth from the start, but I did know for certain everything would work out now.
My world was a lot bigger now, that was more scary, but also more exciting and filled with more than I could have every imagined.
I held the phone to my ear. It rang only once, she must have been hoping I would call.
"Maxwell…" She breathed.
"Hey mom…" I smiled at her elated greeting. "Merry Christmas, mom. I love you."
Originally, the ending was going to be like Maxwell's dream but considering it is 'the most wonderful time of the year' I went with the happy/sappy, oversimplified ending.
Happy holidays everyone! Be safe and enjoy the last days of 2013. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing my stories all year, I hope to hear from you again. Until 2014! :D