Band-aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show. If you live like that, you live with ghosts.
Carla let her legs give way and sank down onto her bottom, her eyes not leaving the leaflet in her hand. Surely not? The lump in her throat told her she knew what was coming but Carla carefully opened the after abortion leaflet and Michelle's information fell out, detailing the dates and times of her abortion and what to expect after. The same day of her fall, that very morning, Michelle had had a termination. She'd killed the baby that she had blamed Carla for losing. How could anybody be so cruel, how could her best friend do that?
She quickly shoved the papers in her coat pocket and jumped up, running down and out of the pub with her hand to her mouth, feeling sick all over again. She made it outside and onto the street, just looking around in complete disbelief, her hand still up by her mouth. Carla was never one for soppy, never keen on big grand gestures but Michelle, well she adored her. They'd been through everything together and in the end, Michelle turned out to be the one person she could always rely on, always there for her to fall back on. So she'd always believed anyway.
Carla sat down on the bench in the rain and grabbed her phone, dialling Peter's name and praying he'd answer. Eventually, he did.
"Peter?" Her voice was strained, stressed, hurt. "Sorry, I just needed to talk to you.."
Peter struggled to hear her over the noise of the heaving bar and tried to move to find a quieter corner, "Checking up on me love?" He didn't mean it horribly, in fact he'd probably have been the same but he was having a rubbish night and all he wanted was to escape the smell of booze and curl up in bed.
"What? No! I just wanted a chat that's all!"
"Making sure I've not had a drink?" He was half joking, not knowing the turmoil she was going though but Carla didn't see it like that. She saw red, shaking her head angrily, "Oh you know what Peter, forget it. You can go to 'ell an' all." She hung up and ran a hand through her now wet-through hair. She left Peter staring confused at his phone, completely unaware of what Carla had recently found out and the feelings she was experiencing. He tried to phone again but of course she screened his calls, not in the mood anymore.
Realising she was shivering and that a storm was no place for a pregnant woman, Carla eventually stood up and headed back to her flat with no plan of how to confront Michelle who waited back in the warmth of Carla's living room.
Carla let herself in and headed straight for her kitchen. She didn't acknowledge Michelle on her arrival, didn't even look at her as she rummaged in the cupboard and found an old bottle of wine hiding at the back. She pulled it out and then searched in her drawers for a corkscrew.
"Don't come any closer, Michelle." She finally looked at her as she heard her confused footsteps approaching, pointing an angry finger at her as she warned her away. Michelle stopped still, weary and nervous of Carla's sudden anger.
"I'm not gonna drink it." She didn't care to reassure Michelle, she more wanted her to know as she couldn't handle anyone thinking she would do that to her unborn baby. "It helps to open them sometimes." She mumbled as she pulled the cork out and held her bottle between her hands, still on the counter, swallowing back.
"I know." Carla's voice was almost deadly low.
"Know what Carla?" She knew exactly what she was talking about.
"That you killed my brothers baby." Carla stayed exactly where she was but she could already see tears glistening in Michelle's eyes. She tried to tell herself she didn't care.
"It was Rob's wasn't it? I mean, that's why you got rid of it, in't it? Steve would have realised it couldn't have been his so it was the only thing you could do, right?"
When Michelle didn't answer Carla almost screamed, "RIGHT MICHELLE?" At Michelle's teary nod, she continued, "And then when you came here to tell me, I pushed you off of me and you fell. I suppose you didn't plan it but hey, 10 points for grabbing your opportunity while you could!" Carla walked towards her now and Michelle almost cowered away.
She didn't speak, couldn't. She couldn't defend her actions when there was nothing defendable about them. She hated herself for it. "You, you held me when I lost my little girl. You watched me fall apart, how could you kill a baby because of your own selfish mistakes? Kill your baby and then risk me losing mine again. You know what that would have done to me, didn't ya? But you didn't care as long as Michelle was okay."
Carla stood in front of her, "And you have the nerve to call me selfish. Paul and Liam would be disgusted in you. You don't deserve to even have the same name as them!" Both women were crying now but Carla couldn't stop herself, couldn't stop her harsh words because she felt a need for Michelle to feel how she was feeling, how agonising it was.
"You're gonna take your stuff and you're gonna get out of my flat and out of my life. Get married, do what the hell you want but you better hope Rob never finds out because he'll kill ya. I swear, he'd bloody kill you Michelle. He's not one to be messed with anymore. You get out and you don't come back, because you're nothing to me, to my family. You've done me a favour." Carla folded her arms in front of her and turned away as she spoke. She knew her eyes would betray her lies, she knew they'd let Michelle know how much she really did care. "Least now I don't have to pretend to want you around. You were just a way to feel close to your brothers, nothing more and nothing less. Now get out."
Carla didn't look at Michelle still but she didn't need to. She knew exactly the look at would be across her face because her own face was mirroring it. She knew how deep those words would hit her. Words always were the Connor's most harmful weapon. She may not ever have been a Connor by blood and she was no longer a Connor by name but she would always be a Connor by nature. She heard Michelle scurrying to grab her stuff through her tears and of course she heard her whispering her apologies and her love yous over and over but she didn't turn around. Not until Michelle had left and she turned to the door, grabbing the photo frame of her and Michelle and throwing it against the door, sobbing as she watched it smash and fall to the floor, just like their friendship.
Michelle was gone, Peter wasn't around and she was all alone, with only a new heartache and a tempting bottle of wine for company.