Author's Note: And we're back to our regularly scheduled programming. In case you missed, I wrote a short story called "A Life In Theory" that covers the time on the road between chapters 55 and 56 from Alim's perspective. Hope you all enjoy!
Chapter 56 - A Life Without Love
They arrived after nearly a week on the road. The group moved much slower these days, with the addition of Alim, Dagna, Oghren, and a templar named Ser Boyd they'd... happened upon during a bandit raid. Serena had allowed him to live, but she was getting more and more weary of Loghain's attempts to eliminate Ferelden's last Grey Wardens.
The Circle Tower looked much less imposing in the light of day than the last time they had stood before it. The cold waters of Lake Calenhad lapped at the shore, pushing up against the rickety docks. The salty air reminded her of Highever, though it was less potent than the Waking Sea because of all the mountain rivers that fed directly into the lake.
Serena took in the sight, enjoying the peaceful quality the lake provided. The fact that no snotty templars prowled the water's edge was an added bonus, since she had been curious as to what condition they would find the tower this time.
"No demons, Maker willing," she muttered to Alistair as they boarded the small docks. A ferryman waved to them, setting the group into two, to be ferried across the lake by him and his assistant, a tall lanky boy of about seventeen.
"Well, it wasn't as if they were hanging bodies from the outside last time," he said. "But I'm sure we would have heard if some other nutter of a blood mage decided to run amuck." Alistair held out a hand, helping Serena into the boat. Behind them, Oghren, Alim, Morrigan, and the templar, Ser Boyd, waited patiently to board. Serena's mabari was to stay with Bodahn's son Sandal at the small inn on shore, while the others were stepping into the other boat quickly.
"Ooh, that's huge. I wonder how long it took to erect it," Oghren said to Alim. "Get it? Eh?"
"It was constructed by the Avvars, actually," Alim said, his voice thoughtful as he stepped carefully into the boat. "With some help from the dwarves, of course. It was thought nearly impenetrable until the Tevinter Imperium sought to invade the south and drove the Avvar people from it and into the upper Frostbacks. The Circle of Magi didn't assume control of it until the 87 Towers, I believe."
"How very fitting that they would build a prison for mages in the middle of a lake and make it look like a giant phallus," Morrigan replied, rolling her eyes.
"At least she gets my jokes," Oghren grumbled, flopping down in the boat. "My brilliant wit is sodding lost on you apparently, elf."
"What was the joke? That the tower looks like a penis?" He glanced up at the enormous tower. "Oh, well, yes, I suppose it does a bit. I thought you were actually interested in the history of Kinloch Hold, though."
"Do I look like someone who'd be interested in its blasted history?" Oghren asked.
"Yes, well, I'll try to put more male sex organs in my next history lesson, Oghren," Alim muttered. "Since you seem to like them so much."
"Draw your sword and say that twice," the dwarf growled.
Alim grinned. "Don't make me light your trousers on fire, dwarf."
"Sodding mages."
First Enchanter Irving was waiting for them on the other side. Two templars stood at his side, in full plate metal and helmets, so Serena couldn't see who they were.
"Commander! How wonderful to see you once again." The old man embraced Serena like he would his own granddaughter and Serena smiled. He reminded her of Aldous, just a bit, when she was younger. He had been much too stodgy in his old age for hugs.
"We received your letter, of course, just this morning," Irving continued, smiling politely at the rest. His eyes landed on Alim and a look passed over him, somewhere between confusion and surprise. "Alim! I'm... I'm surprised to see you here."
"Hello, First Enchanter," Alim replied with a slight bow of his head. "In my absence from the tower, I've... ah, joined the Grey Wardens."
"So you have, so you have. Good for you, my boy. I always knew you were destined for great things." He looked quickly to Wynne and something seemed to pass between the two older mages before Irving turned up the smile again. "Well, I'm sure you're all weary from your travels, come inside. Commander-"
"Oh, please, call me Serena, First Enchanter," Serena corrected lightly.
"Only if you call me Irving, dear girl." He led them up the circular staircase. "Greagoir and I have been working hard since the... incident... trying to get the tower and the Circle back into shape. I daresay you won't recognize it."
"After your initial sweep of the tower, we found more people, hiding from the abominations and things in closets and storerooms. Together we've been working with the templars to scour the halls of the corruption." There was a pause as the templars unlocked the tower's giant metal door. "Of course, we haven't been without our struggles."
"It is an uphill battle we fight now, it would seem," Serena murmured. Irving gave her a knowing nod as they moved inside out of the cold.
Entering the tower proper, it was a bustle of activity. Young mages swept by, chattering excitedly at the sight of guests. Two young apprentices waved to Wynne, coming up to wrap the old woman in a big hug. Templars stood at set intervals throughout the halls, staring impassively around.
Serena fell into step beside Irving. "How have... tensions been? Better, I hope?"
"Oh, it sounds horrible of course, but sometimes I think perhaps Uldred's incident helped matters. We see each other now as people, whereas before..." Irving sighed. "It was more difficult before. But I am sure it will not last. It never does."
"Progress is slow," Wynne said sagely. "But it does happen."
"Indeed it does, and may Andraste lend us Her patience as we try to muddle through."
The rest of the day was taken up by meetings with the First Enchanter and Knight-Commander Greagoir. Serena told them of Loghain's attempts to dispose of Serena and her fellow Wardens, and the acquisition of Ser Boyd. Greagoir was pleased to have another templar at his disposal, and for his part, Boyd seemed happily resigned to his new position within the Tower.
They discussed Dagna, and her education in the Circle of Magi after that. At first both of the older men had seemed hesitant, a dwarf had never petitioned to live and study within the tower before. But once Dagna had opened her mouth, knowledge and excitement had flowed forth, delighting Irving, at least, to no end. The two had left the meeting together, discussing academic research schedules to the Knight-Commander's rolling eyes.
"With Surana gone, it'll be good for Irving to have another protege, I think," Greagoir murmured to Serena. "He's been lonely these past months. None of the apprentices have stepped up the task."
"Dagna is a wonderful student, of that I can assure you." Serena smiled. "Though mind she doesn't talk your ear off, Knight-Commander."
It was late in the evening when Serena finally got away, and she found herself heading down the halls towards the tower's small chapel, seeking sanctuary from the endless meetings and compromises and planning. An arresting statue of Andraste, head bowed in contemplation, stood at the chapels' altar, and Serena headed directly for it.
The chapel was empty save for a few guttering candles, and she found herself unsurprised. Mages, especially, did not particularly follow the teachings of the Chantry, or believe the Chant of Light, though she thought perhaps a stray templar or two...
Oh well, Serena thought. This way I know I won't be bothering anyone, at least. Kneeling low before the grand statue, Serena dipped her head in prayer.
"Dear Maker... often have You heard me call to you. Tonight I wish to say thank You, for all You have provided. I have followed the path You set me on, and I have met so many of Your wonderful creations, so many people who have helped me..."
Serena thought of her companions, and how each had saved her life in one way or another over the past few months. She would be dead hundreds of times over without their support, and perhaps one of the loneliest souls in Thedas without their constant friendship.
"They are amazing people with skills... skills they've used to serve You, and save our lands. I humbly ask Your protection for my friends, for all the people who have touched my life. I pray for Your guidence in the coming weeks as we stand united against the darkspawn. I pray to You, my Maker and Guide, that we carry ourselves with the same bravery as Your Bride, our Prophet, the courageous Andraste. May Your light guide us always. Amen."
"Amen," echoed a voice from behind Serena. She turned and stood, expecting one of her companions, only to find a templar standing there, the sword of mercy reflecting brightly on his silver armor. He removed his helm, placing it gently on one of the pews.
"I am not sure if you remember me, my lady," he began. His reddish gold curls were longer, and he was scrubbed clean, his cheeks pink, if not a little stubbly. Serena squinted, she knew that face. It was the templar, the one they had found trapped below the Harrowing Chamber in that... cage... nearly driven mad by his own temptations.
"Ser Cullen." She inclined her head in a slight bow. "Of course I remember you. I rather think I owe you an extensive apology, in fact."
The templar cocked his head to the side, his dark eyes examining her face, perhaps tracing the minute differences between hers and that of the mage, Solona. He smiled crookedly, and it reminded her of Alistair, just the tiniest bit. "And here I thought I owed you my thanks."
Serena shook her head fervently. "I shouldn't have-" Her voice cut out. She shouldn't have pretended, she meant to say.
"I am glad you did," Cullen said, holding up a hand to halt her speech. "I was in that cage for... days, though it felt like weeks at times. I had nearly lost all hope of ever..." He shook his head. "I needed something to believe in, even if it was only for a few more moments. You gave me that. And then you gave me my freedom. You... you gave many of us our freedom."
"Enchanter Amell has volunteered as one of the mages that will assist you against the archdemon," he continued, running a hand through his curly hair. "The list of volunteers was surprisingly long, actually." He laughed and it was a little hoarse, like he didn't do it very often. "I think you and your companions made quite the impression on the tower and it's populace, my lady."
"It shall be an army they will write about for ages, I think," Serena said softly. "Mages, elves, dwarves... all the aspects of mankind, brought together to usher in a new way for Ferelden, to show that we can stand united against a common enemy." She looked up at the statue of Andraste again. "I think Our Lady would be proud."
Cullen nodded thoughtfully at that, his eyes on the statue as well. "I discussed it with the Knight-Commander, and with his permission, I shall be leading a small contingency of templars to march with you, as well. For the first time, possibly ever, we shall fight as warriors for the Maker, beside the mages."
"That's... that's fantastic, Ser Cullen!" Serena turned and wrapped him in an unexpected hug. "You have no idea what that means to me, to have someone like you here, leading this change." She released the templar and he backed up awkwardly. She supposed they weren't hugged very often, as Alistair had reacted almost the same when she had first touched him. "I apologize-"
"It's q-quite alright," Cullen replied, a slight stutter snaking into his speech. "I... we d-don't..." He cleared his throat. "I have not been hugged very often, so I must admit I am not very good at it. Plus, you... look a lot like her, still."
"It's a bit uncanny, isn't it?" Serena said, turning towards the statue of Andraste. "When I first saw her I was quite taken aback... it was like seeing a long-lost twin I... didn't know I had."
"She has green eyes, though... like the color of the sea near the shore. And your hair... it has those strands of red... Solona's is inky black, like a starless sky." The templar had come to stand beside her, his almond colored eyes staring up at the Bride of the Maker.
"Thought about this a lot, hmm?"
The knight chuckled. "Yes, well, we went back on patrols weeks ago... there isn't much to do late at night when you're standing guard by yourself, except... think." There was a long pause before Cullen spoke again, his voice quiet in the darkened chapel. "May I inquire on your own relationship? I saw the way that blonde man looked at me when you said to me... when you said that you..." He trailed off.
"We're engaged, actually," Serena whispered back. She held out her hand, the small silver ring glinting in the low torchlight. "His name is Alistair. He is... the love of my life."
"I owe you my heartfelt congratulations, my lady, I think."
"Thank you, Ser Knight." Serena couldn't help but smile at the formality of their meeting. Despite being a noble from birth, she wondered if she would ever get used to people greeting her with so many "my lady's" peppered throughout.
"Do you ever wonder if it's meant to last?" Cullen said suddenly. He looked quickly at Serena before staring at his boots. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything..."
"I used to wonder," Serena replied. "I used to wonder... what if we don't make it? We're some of the last Grey Wardens in Ferelden, you know. The chances of us surviving..." There was an awkward pause, where Serena could hear the knight's sharp intake of breath. "But then I realized... it doesn't matter. I've said everything I ever wanted him to hear. Everything I ever needed him to hear. And as much pain as we've experienced, and I have no doubt there is more to come in both of our futures..."
"I love him more than life itself, and I know he loves me the same. I can die peacefully, whenever that is, knowing that I loved as much as I could, as well as I could." Serena put her hand over the knight's metal gauntlet, her eyes searching for his. "You should tell her."
"I know."
Serena glanced at him, his head bowed now, as if in prayer. She had hoped he would say he already had. Perhaps she had underestimated the barriers between templars and mages, even now, after everything that had happened. "The way you talk about Solona... I can hear how much you care for her. She deserves to know how you feel before..." She let the sentence hang in the air.
"You're right." The knight sighed heavily, his eyes resting on Serena again, on her hand. No, on her ring. "I'll tell her. I'll tell Solona I... I... how I feel. Though... What if she doesn't... what if it's not...?"
"My mother once told me a life without love is no life at all," Serena murmured, patting his shoulder. "I wish you luck, Cullen."
The templars voice was quiet as she stepped past him, so quiet she nearly missed it. "Thank you, Serena."