I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you have a lot of strength left.
She has been lifeless for so long on her unforgiving kitchen floor that she wasn't sure that she hadn't given up the fight alongside her child. Carla has barely been able to move, the intense pain rendering her useless and she has all but given up hope now. Her baby is gone, she is sure. Maybe she will go too. At least that is fitting, a mother and her daughter, not united in life but united in death at least. The thought that that means forever eases her pain a tad.
She doesn't know how long she has been draped across the floor but it feels like a lifetime. It feels like her baby has been gone forever, as though it was never there. But Carla knows she was, she knows her aching body carried her tiny daughter for more than seven months and she knows that although her fear grew more everyday, so did her love. She has made so many plans, so many hopes and wishes for the life she wants to make so much better than the one she herself had. She wants to give her daughter a mother and father that will above all, show her love everyday. Because Carla is not deluded and she knows she is a far cry from perfect, and the ups and downs of family life while living with an alcoholic won't make for an easy ride. But if they have love, she believes they have it all.
Carla comforts herself as she still grips her lost daughters teddy while thinking of the plans she has made in her head. The scenarios she has dreamt of. Taking their daughter to work for the first time and letting their friends coo over her, walking side by side with her husband as she pushes their slumbing child and laughs at something stupid he has said.
She barely hears him letting himself in with the smell of hot chips lingering into the kitchen, she doesn't hardly hear the shrill noise of shock and terror he makes.
She's too far gone, too far gone with their little girl.
It isn't until she gives a final push and she watches as nurses fuss around the bed in the hospital hours later that she finally speaks again. Peter's hand gripped in hers as he sobs and she watches emotionless. On the outside at least.
I should be crying but I just can't let it show, I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking of all the things I should've said that I never said, all the things we should've done that we never did, all the things I should've given but I didn't.
"She's dead in't she. I couldn't do it." She looks up at Peter as she speaks, her voice so quiet and her eyes so broken. She blames herself, she thinks she should have been a better mother even before her daughter was born. Maybe this is punishment for all the wrongs she has committed. She does not deserve to be trusted with such a precious thing.
Peter doesn't answer her and neither do the nurses.
Because before they do, a tiny cry echos through the room as a midwife wraps a towel around the incredibly tiny, poorly baby and Carla feels her heart stop as she realises her daughters heart hasn't.
"Peter?" She whispers, her eyes not on him now but on the small bundle she can't quite make out through the hurry of the nurses and doctors.
He squeezes her hand and gives her a proud nod, tears still across his face from both fear and relief and yet pride as well. "Yes my love, yes. You did it." He's never loved her more.
Carla let's herself release a sob she hadn't known she was holding back but she doesn't get the chance to relish the birth of her daughter because after being given a second to let her eyes linger over her tiny body and placing what she thinks is the softest kiss she has ever given to her baby's forehead, the baby is whisked away and Carla and Peter are alone again.
As Peter's eyes fall back to Carla he half collapses to her body and cries against her chest. He knows he must be strong for her and yet in those moments he cannot be. She plays with his hair, her fingers running through it as she lets him bury his face against her and she too cries.
They are scared, terrified. And yet both alight with relief that they were still able to feel hope. Because the fight wasn't over get and Peter knew if his daughter was anything like her mother, like his wife, she would never, ever give up.
Carla didn't say a word for the longest time. Too scared, too lost. She had imagined this moment a thousand times over. Imagined holding her daughter for the first time, cradling her against her own exhausted body. She imagined the feeling of looking into her daughter's warm, confused eyes for the first and feeling an overwhelming love she couldn't have imagined possible.
After what felt like forever but in reality was the briefest of moments, a nurse returned to check on Carla, checking her over after the traumatic birth, "Please, I'm fine. Leave me. I just want to know what's happening with my little girl."
The nurse threw the new parents a knowing smile and nodded, "I'm sorry love, she's been taken to intensive care, she's very early and her body isn't developed to breathe alone yet. I can take you to see her if you're up to it?"
Carla nodded without hesitation. "Please, please I need to see her." Peter's hand holds hers tightly as they prepare themselves for what lays ahead. Carla can't think of anything except the desperate need to see her baby. To see the life she has made. To her baby before it might be too late.
Oh darling make it go, make it go away