Chapter 18: I Realize I'm a Complete Idiot

(Albus)

"Focus," I heard Flitwick's voice say, but it was miles away. I could hardly hear it.

I was seven years old and I was playing Quidditch with James. I tried to find Flitwick, focus on him and not the snitch but it was hard. It was like resisting… destiny or fate. I knew what I was supposed to do, I was supposed to catch the snitch- this was the first match I'd ever won against my brother. And it was really hard to try to convince my young self- who really didn't care about Occlumency at all- to stop trying to make his dream of beating his older brother come true and focus on the man who was standing there, watching the game.

I saw the snitch glinting, not too far away. But I could also see Flitwick very clearly. What did I go for? What did I do?

I saw James also noticed the snitch. He'd begun racing for it. I took a deep sigh and turned my broom in the direction of Flitwick, took out the wand I didn't know was in my pocket and zapped him with a stinging hex.

And then I wasn't in my memories any more but in Flitwick's office. "Not bad, Mr. Potter," Flitwick said. "You're definitely improving. That only took a few minutes." Flitwick turned to James. "Are you ready, Mr. Potter?"

James shrugged. He'd been very irritated, especially with our bi-weekly lessons, which he failed at every time. Even after an hour James could not manage to get Flitwick out of his head. And it had been three months. No one had said so yet but it seemed my brother was complete hopeless when it came to Occlumency.

"Legilimens!" shouted Flitwick.

I waited patiently for half an hour before Flitwick and James were both conscious again.

"You're not focusing, Mr. Potter," Flitwick said with a shake of his head.

"Yes I am!" James shouted. "I've been focusing more than humanly possible! If I focused any more my brain will explode!"

"James," I said gently, "Just think about Flitwick, clear your head of all emotions, and don't let yourself get absorbed in a memory."

"I've already been doing that!" James said through gritted teeth. He took a moment to calm himself and then sighed. "Let's go again. I'm not resting until I get this right!"

"I really don't think that's a good idea-"

"We're doing it. Now." James spoke with such intensity that Flitwick took a step back.

"I think this should be a private session. You're free to go, Albus."

thankyou, sir," I replied and left the office.

I was heading up to the Gryffindor tower when I ran into Crystal.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," she replied back.

We stood awkwardly for a moment. She was wearing her Slytherin robes but it looked like she had dressed hastily. Her hair was sort of a mess like she just got out of bed and she seemed very far away.

"Are you… are you okay?" I asked.

"Me?" she repeated, with a laugh and slight shock. "I'm fine. You however look like you just got back from dinner in hell."

I laughed. "No, Occlumency lessons actually."

"I see."

More awkward pause.

"So… uh, where you headed?" she asked.

"Just to go see Cassidy," I replied, almost wincing at the invisible wall of awkwardness between us.

"Oh, yeah, I just came from seeing Jonah so, yeah."

"Oh, uh, yeah. That's good."

"Totally." She nodded her head. "So."

"So."

"I'll see you later, I guess? I mean I don't want to keep you."

"Right," I said. "See you around."

I walked really quickly and turned a corner as if running away from my embarrassment. I hadn't been going to see Cassidy. It was nine o'clock, and she was almost always in her Common Room studying at this time. Why had I lied?

Because you like her, said a cold voice in my head.

Code was gone from my head as soon as he entered. With my Occlumency training I could feel him, when he invaded my head, and easily get him out.

But had Code been right? Did I really like Crystal? I know I might've had a little crush on her in first year but I was with Cassidy now. But if I didn't like her, why was I trying to make her jealous? Why'd I lie?

I jump when arms wrapped around me from behind.

"Hey, Al," she said, her voice sweet and adorable and perfect making all thoughts of Crystal leave my mind.

"Hey." I turned around and kissed her. "I thought you'd be studying."

"I was, but I wanted to surprise you," she replied. "Besides I have perfect grades anyway."

"You have perfect everything," I murmured as I kissed her again.

"What happens when two perfect people get in a relationship?" she asked pulling away from me and instead taking my hand and leading me down the corridor.

"They have a perfect relationship, make perfect kids, and have a totally perfect life," I suggested.

Suddenly Cassidy tensed and stopped walking.

I mentally slapped myself. "I'm sorry, I freaked you out."

"No, no," she said and started walking again. "You didn't freak me out, just shocked me."

I debated on whether or not to say anything but figured I couldn't. I suppose she just didn't think that far in the future… or did she just not have faith we'd survive as a couple that long?

"It's just… we've never talked about long term plans…" she began.

"I know, I know. It was stupid to mention it."

Cassy shook her head and turned towards me. She put one hand on my shoulder and the other behind my head, playing with my hair. "Not stupid. Not stupid at all, Al. Just unexpected."

"Do you love me?" I asked looking into her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes.

"Yes," she answered immediately.

I frowned a little. "Some people say if you hesitate it means you don't mean what you're saying, that you're lying. I disagree, I feel like love is something that takes more than a split second to think about. I mean, I'm not talking friendship, Cassy. I already know you love me like that. I mean real love. Like the kind our parents have."

It didn't occur to me until I saw Cassy's face drop that she had never really mentioned her parents. Once she mentioned how her Mom had wanted her to have an American name even though her father was Italian, but that was it.

"I'm sorry," I said almost immediately. "I didn't mean to… ugh, I keep saying the wrong thing."

Cassidy closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them her face was more or less back to normal. But I knew her better than that and I could see the pain behind her mask. "No, Al, its fine," she said, with a smile that was clearly forced. "I mean, its okay. But, I, uh, I just remembered I have a test tomorrow and I need to go study."

She was already half way down the corridor when I said, "I'm sorry."

"Cassidy!" I shouted.

But it was too late. Again. I had been spending the past forty-eight hours trying to get her to notice me and it wasn't working. She kept avoiding me; hiding in the Ravenclaw Common Room, the girl's loo, anywhere where she could get away from me.

This time though I wasn't going to let her get away. I know I'd upset her and I just wanted to apologize and talk. Help her through whatever it was that she was going through, but she wanted to be alone. Perhaps I should respect that, but the only thing on my mind was getting to her. So I bolted full speed after her.

She noticed me running and headed towards the girls' loo. I didn't care though, I stormed right in after her.

"Albus," she said slowly.

"Yes, I know, I know. This is the girls' loo. I'm not supposed to be here. Whatever. They can give me detention if they want, the most important thing is that I get to apologize to you."

"Apologize to me?" she said, shocked. "Why ever would you need to apologize to me?"

I sighed and gave her my serious stare. "Cassidy. Don't play dumb with me. I can see it in your face, I can hear it in your voice, I feel it in your words… your upset and it's because of what I said the other day. About your parents."

She seemed to be ready to argue again, to deny that she was upset, but before she could get the words out she broke down. She slumped forward, tears flowing freely, and I caught her in my arms.

"Tell me what's wrong," I whispered in her ear.

"They're not happy," she muttered. "Not happy at all."

"Why? Cassy, tell me. You can trust me."

"They're dead, Albus. They're dead," she sobbed.

"Oh, Cassidy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to… I never would have… I'm sorry," I muttered into her hair.

"It's-it's not your fault," she sniffled, pulling away from me and wiping her tears. "It's m-mine."

"Oh, Cassidy, how could it be your fault?"

"I-I wished them dead," she said so quietly I had to strain to hear her.

I didn't know how to respond to that. She wished them dead? Surely she didn't mean that.

"It was two years ago, they told me they were filing for divorce. Connor and I were begging them not to do it. They said it was what was best for the family. I told them they can't run from their problems, I told them getting a divorce would only make things worse. They told us there was no way we'd ever understand. That's when I said I'd rather them die then break our family apart. The next day they were in a car accident. They didn't even make it to the hospital."

"You can't blame yourself for that," I insisted. "It is not your fault."

She shook her head. "I can and I do, Al. Every night it replays in my head, in my dreams. I can't escape it. I have to watch over and over again. The memory is always there. It won't go away." She looked me directly I the eye. "Do you know how it feels, Al? Do you know what it's like to be responsible for the death of your parents? To be the case for misery to your entire family? It sucks, Al! It's the worst feeling on Earth and there's nothing I can do to live with it. Nothing!"

It was the first time I'd seen Cassidy so distraught. I wasn't really sure what to do. So I let my instincts take over.

"Don't say nothing. Because there's always something you can do until you chose to do nothing at all. And I won't let you chose nothing. I'll help you find a way to escape. I'll be your way to escape. And whenever you need someone to share your burden just give me a call, okay? Cassidy, I'll do everything in my power to help you."

"Thank you, Al," was all she could manage.

(James)

I threw my stuff into my trunk as quickly as possible. But it wasn't quick enough. I had only packed half my stuff when Fred walked in with his new girlfriend.

"You'll love it at my house," Fred said as he walked through the door. "You'll have a blast with me and my family.

"She's coming over?" I asked, not bothering to contain my disgust.

Fred looked away from Lyndsay for the first time since walking away. "Got a problem?" Fred demanded stepping in front of Lyndsay, as if trying to shield her.

"Can I talk to you alone?" I asked, tapping my foot impatiently.

Fred shook his head. "Whatever you want to say to me you can say in from of my girlfriend."

I barfed a little in my mouth at the word girlfriend. "Fine," I snapped. "I think your girlfriend is just a whore who's trying to seduce a Weasley. Just like every other girlfriend you've had!"

"Don't talk to her like that!" Fred shouted. "Why can't you just back off? I don't need your approval to date someone, you know."

"Well, maybe you should get my approval because you have terrible experience with girls!"

"At least I have experience!"

"At least I'm not a prick!"

"At least I'm not a terrible friend!"

I couldn't hold back anymore. I took a swing at Fred. "You're a terrible friend!" I shouted back. "I listen to my friends!"

"Oh you listen?" Fred asked tackling me to the ground. "I've never seen you listen to me. Or to Ally!"

"I always listen to Ally! And if you took one second to listen to me you'd realise you're making a mistake!"

I threw my cousin off of me and continued to punch him. I lost count of how many times I'd hit and been hit. All I knew was I couldn't see out of my right eye, my nose was gushing blood, and my check was throbbing.

"I'm not… making… a mistake!" Fred said between punches.

"Stop!" I heard Lyndsay shout. I felt tempted to punch her too, but I also didn't want to punch a girl. So I took my anger out on Fred with a kick to the balls.

My cousin doubled over in pain. Slowly, I stood up. "You're delusional. You're so desperate to have a girlfriend you're lying to yourself, Fred. Snap out of it!"

"I'm desperate?" Fred repeated, a little laugh in his voice. Slowly he too stood up. "You're so lonely you go around trying to make other people feel bad to make yourself feel better. You spread lies about people and you know what the worst part is? You believe them. You tell them so much you begin to believe them. You claim to be honest, James, but really you're just a liar who's too far in to even notice it."

His voice was calm, and collected with a hint of sadness. Like he was stating a said fact that couldn't even be questioned. It hurt more than the punches.

I threw another punch at my cousin but he didn't even try to block it. He let it make contact with his jaw. Then he looked at me. "Nobody likes a liar, James, but the only thing worse than a liar is a hypocrite. You're driving your friends away. And when they all give up on you, when Josh, Ben, Albus, Lily and even Alice give up on you don't expect me to pity you. Because I'm tired of giving you chances, James. They've finally run out."

With that he grabbed Lyndsay's hand and made to leave.

With one last, perhaps even a little desperate attempt, I called, "Marauder's Code?"

Fred gave me a look, a look that felt very… final. "Not anymore."

My cousin and his girlfriend left the room making me feel more alone than I had in years.

I made my way down the secret pathway that lead to Hogsmeade. I had to go see Sirius, who still lived in Teddy's old Hogsmeade flat. I had to talk to him about Fred.

Maybe I had got carried away. Maybe I shouldn't have fought him. Or called Lyndsay a whore. But it was true! She was wrong for him, I just knew it. He wasn't going to be happy with her, not for long anyway.

But that didn't change the fact that what he said had hurt. A lot. That I was just a lonely hypocrite. And what had he meant when he said I don't listen to Ally? Was he just trying to hurt me? Even though I hoped it was true, I knew it wasn't. Fred didn't do that. He didn't hurt people just for the sake of it. Not like me, apparently.

I remembered there was a time when I didn't question whether I was a good person or not. A time when I was a prankster not a bully. Now, I wasn't sure if that was true. Maybe bully wasn't even the right word. No, ass. That was a better word. There was a time when I wasn't a complete ass. When I was a kid. Before Trelawney predicted that Prophecy. Before I had to grow up.

But where along that line did I lose myself? Growing up didn't mean being a dick… so where had I gone wrong? How? Why? Brianna said it wasn't too late to change, but I wasn't so sure. Sometimes there are things you just can't fix.

Almost as if by fate I heard a familiar voice yell my name. "JAMES!"

"Brianna," I said, my voice a mixture of relief and shock.

"What were you thinking?" she demanded.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, playing dumb.

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about!" she snapped. "I'm talking about you fighting your brother and swearing at his girlfriend."

I didn't have to clarify what she meant by brother. Marauders. Brothers. Cousins. All terms Fred and I used to describe each other. We hardly used the word cousin. It never seemed strong enough to describe our bond. "Not anymore," I muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean we're not brothers anymore!" I barked. "He said we're not brothers anymore," I explained, my voice dropping.

Brianna didn't seem to know whether to stay mad at me or try to comfort me. She seemed to settle on a little of both. "I'm sure he didn't mean that. But he definitely had a right to say it."

I shook my head. "It's more than you think, Bri. It means more than you can understand."

"Then explain it to me," she said stubbornly.

"I-I can't. Just leave me alone. I'm going to see my uncle to talk to him about it."

"The train comes in an hour," she pointed out.

"Well, he lives in Hogsmeade and I don't want to travel all the way back here after taking the train," I replied getting annoyed.

"Fine," she said. "I'll leave you alone. But remember it's not too late. Don't give up."

I nodded and watched her go. It was a few minutes later when I arrived at the secret trap door.

The walk through Hogsmeade was uneventful. Nobody questioned me, probably because I finally looked like an adult, more or less, not like a Hogwarts student. I almost smiled at the thought, but then I remembered how Fred should be here with me, laughing and joking about how much more we could get away with now that we're adults.

Finally I got to Sirius' house and did a special knock so he knew it was me. He opened the door seconds later.

"James!" he greeted as he swung it opened. He let me in and I gasped when I saw the house.

Sirius had been living in this little flat ever since we found out he wasn't actually dead back in first year. When he first moved in there'd been very little furniture and no appliances except a mini fridge and a microwave. The furniture and the curtains had been dusty and dark, ripped and dirty.

Now however everything was different. The furniture was new and improved. There was two chairs and a couch encircling a television in the sitting room. They looked similar to the ones in the Gryffindor common room. Almost exactly identical actually.

The curtains were a tie-dye rainbow colour, also brand-new. The floors were spotless and everything was dusted.

"Sirius, what's with the renovations?" I asked still looking around in awe.

"I've, um, had company," he said a small smile on his face.

"What kind of company?" I asked, my eyes narrowing.

"Well, I invited Hermione and Ron over. We had tea and talked for a long while."

"That's great, Sirius!" I exclaimed, surprised. Sirius had been nervous about talking to my aunts, uncles, Mum and Dad. "What they say? How'd they react?"

Sirius went in the kitchen. "They reacted well," he called. "It was just a few days ago actually. They say I should come over during the Easter break. I think I will."

Sirius returned with an ice pack and a wet cloth, both of which he handed it to me. It wasn't until then I realized my left eye was throbbing and I had dried blood all over my face.

"Thanks," I muttered.

"Let's talk about your problem now," Sirius said.

Suddenly I wondered why I came here. Why did I venture all the way to Sirius' house? The train had already left by now and I'd be left behind. I hadn't told anyone where I was going either. And Alice had been there, I think I even passed her to get to the tunnel leading to Hogsmeade… yet my feet had carried me here.

"It's Fred," was all I said.

"What about Fred?"

"He has a girlfriend."

The giant 'oooh' that came from Sirius seconds later was both aggravating and relieving. Great, he understood my problem, but did he have to blow it off like that?

"It's a big deal!" I shouted, suddenly getting defensive. "They're totally wrong for each other. She's just using him, I know she is."

"And you felt the need to tell him this."

"Of course I did! He's my- was my- best friend and I don't want him to get hurt."

"But did you have to tell him with your fists, James?"

"Yes! He wasn't listening, what else was I supposed to do?"

Sirius sighed. "I'm gonna tell you something, James, and you got to listen to me. Fighting with fists never solves anything. Ever. It might make you feel better, in which case be my guest, go punch out an asshole Slytherin, but not your best friend."

"Apparently we're not best friends anymore," I muttered crossing my arms over my chest and pouting like a child.

"You called his girlfriend a whore, didn't you?" Sirius guessed.

"Yes," I sighed.

Sirius put his head in his hands, "James," he groaned. "Oh, James."

"What?" I demanded. "It's true! She's just using him! She never really cared about him. Not at all. She just wants to get in bed with a Weasley!"

"And how do you know that?"

"I-I-ugh, I can just tell!" I retorted. "She's evil, she-"

"James, stop acting like a child," Sirius interjected. "You can't just go around accusing everyone of being evil!"

"But she is!"

"No, she's not. Nobody's evil, James. It's a terrible term. We've all got dark and light inside of us, nobody- not even this teenage girl- is evil."

I sighed, getting annoyed. I didn't care about stupid life speeches. I just wanted my problem to go away. "Whatever! I just want Fred back."

"Well, how'd you lose Fred in the first place?"

"I… I dunno. I told the truth and he got mad."

"You insulted his girlfriend for no reason," Sirius corrected.

"Yeah, but I'm not even so sure that what he was upset about," I mumbled, deep in thought. "He seemed to think that I was selfish, and ignorant. That I never listened to anyone. And he specifically mentioned Alice."

"Well, is that true?"

"Of course not!"

"Then why would he say it?"

"Because-well-he," I stuttered. "I dunno! He was mistaken."

"James," Sirius said slowly. "You and Fred may be fighting but that doesn't mean he's not still your best friend. That doesn't mean that you don't know him as well as you used to."

"Okay…"

"And would the Fred you know say something like that just to get to you?"

I sighed. "No. He'd never do that."

"Then maybe you aren't listening to Alice."

"But I am!" I insisted. "At least I think I am. Aren't I?"

"She's your best friend, right?"

"Right."

"And she can tell anyone basically any detail of your life, right?"

"Right."

"What's her favorite subject?"

"Charms," I answered immediately.

"What's her current mark in Charms?"

"Er…"

"Does she know your current mark?"

"Yeah, we talked about it last night. I'm getting an E."

"What's her favorite food?"

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"When's the last time she ate one?"

"I don't know."

"Does she know the last time you ate your favorite food?"

"Yeah, we went to the kitchens and asked Lukey and the other elves make me a cake for my birthday."

Sirius just looked at me for a minute. I'll admit it took me a while to understand, and I'm not proud of that.

"I've been ignoring her," I realised. I slapped myself in the forehead. "All this time she's been listening to me and everything I have to say and I haven't let her say one word to me about any of her problems."

I remembered when Alice, Fred and I were little we'd go to our secret park in the forest and each talk about our problems. We'd talk about any problems we had and we'd all listen to each other. It seemed for a long while now that hadn't happened. We hadn't talked about anything together. Alice had just listened to me babble on about how much I hate Code and how much my life sucks. I hadn't even thought to ask her about her own life.

"I am a terrible friend," I groaned.

"You're not a terrible friend," Sirius disagreed, "You're a forgetful person who made a mistake."

"But that's the thing, Sirius, I keep making mistakes! It's like a minute can't go by without me doing something totally stupid!"

"That's the point of life, James! Do something stupid. Do another stupid thing. Just don't do it twice. Making mistakes is how you learn. No one blames people for doing something wrong, it's the people who don't learn from it who get trouble."

"But I'm not a guy who did a stupid thing, I'm a stupid guy just doing what he thinks are normal things. That's what my life is. A bunch of stupidity all jumbled together without any breaks. I just do once stupid thing after the next." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. It didn't work at all. "I'm driving everyone I love away, Sirius. First it was Cassy. Now it's Fred. Who's next, huh? Lily and Albus? Alice? Those are all my friends. I don't have any others because no one can stand to be around me unless their snogging me in a broom closet!"

"Now, you know that's not true, James." Sirius cracked a little bit of a smile. "You've never actually snogged anyone before."

I glared at Sirius and he put his hands up in surrender. "Fine then. Be grumpy. Go keep being grumpy and live your life like that. See how that works out."

"I don't want to do that! I just don't know what else to do!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "First of all, you keep making those mistakes. Because by the time your twenty you'll have been through it all, and you'll never make those mistakes again-"

"But what if these mistakes get people killed next time?" I asked. "What if next time, it's Lily? Or Al?"

A heartbroken look crossed my namesake's face. He took me by the shoulders and looked me in the eye. "You don't have to do this. You don't have to make any decisions that would result in death. You are a child. Go live your life. The adults will handle the life-threatening decisions."

I smiled a little and nodded even though it was half-hearted. I knew I'd never be able to be a child. Not because my seventeenth birthday was two months ago but because it was already too late. It's been too late since I was thirteen years old. My childhood ended a long time ago and I'll never be able to get it back. I grew up too fast and I was fine with that. I knew it was necessary. It was something I would never be able to change and wouldn't anyway if I could. It was just a fact of life, a sad one, but one none the less.

"And as for Fred and his girlfriend… a similar thing happened to me and James. He got a girlfriend and I didn't think they were right for each other. I thought they made the worst couple in history. That she was only using him to get over her ex or something. I was dead set on it and it caused a lot of fights between us."

"What happened?"

"I was wrong. The girl was nice, and she truly did love him. In fact she ended up marrying him."

"You didn't like Grandma Lily?" I reiterated, shocked.

"Nope. And I'm not saying Fred is going to end up marrying this girl but maybe she's not as bad as you think. Consider it okay?"

"Okay."

"And also, your Dad once told me we'd never be friends again, and that I was a selfish ass. And my mistake was a lot worse than yours. I was forgiven. I'm sure you'll be too."

I set the ice pack down, which I had still been holding to my eye, and stood up. "Thanks Sirius," I said sincerely.

"You're welcome kid. Stop by any time."

I headed to the fireplace so I could floo to the Burrow. "See you and your father this week okay?" Sirius said, as I threw the floo powder into the fireplace.

"For sure," I responded, stepping into the flames.

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late. I totally forgot I said I'd update on the 12th. Whoops. My bad.

1: Thanks to those of you who wished me luck in the play. It went really well! :)

2:Next update will be between May 24th-27th. Hopefully. I figure if I give myself a wider range I'll have a better chance of updating on time.

3: What do you guys think about the news of Cassidy? Interesting? Expected? Shocking? Share your thoughts in a review or a PM.

4: A few of you pointed out that James and Alice's relationship seemed a little one-sided. Well, it is. Alice is selfless. She devotes her time to talking about James' problems, listening to him, ignoring her own problems. This has been gong on for maybe two years. Not that James never listens to her but most certainly not as much as she listens to him. So Alice had been talking more to Fred about her problems and such, for these two years, and despite the fact that Alice insists there's no need to bug James with her problems, Fred gets a little annoyed. So finally after two years he gives James a little hint about ignoring her. Now that he knows, he'll never do it again. So it's not like James was ignoring her on purpose. It's just that's he's really unobservant and clueless sometimes. He truly didn't know he was ignoring her.

5: QoTC: Which death in HP affected you the most? Mine was by far Sirius. It was so unexpected, for me. Plus it was the first major fictional death I'd ever read.

"Smart people learn from their mistakes, but the real sharp ones learn from the mistakes of others," Dale, Fablehaven.

-Monkeywoman14.