Chapter 21: I Get Help From an Unlikely Friend

(Hugo)

I saw James storming down the stairs. Then I saw Albus running after him begging him not to go.

"James!" I shouted, realising what was going on. "Don't leave!"

"Hugo," James sighed. I hadn't heard his voice, hadn't even seen him for days. He sounded and looked so defeated so utterly broken, like a toy that accidentally got caught in the lawn mower; beyond repair.

"Don't leave, James, don't leave!" I begged. I rushed up and hugged my cousin. He gave absolutely no response. After a minute, I let go. "James?"

He just shook his head. "I'm sorry, Hugo. I'm not… I can't… I just… I'm sorry."

And he pushed past me.

A million other relatives tried to get to him but he pushed past them too. He didn't even listen to Alice. He really was beyond repair.

And so we watched him go. It was all we could do really. He was of age. Nobody could control what he did anymore. And besides he technically didn't have a guardian anymore so no one could tell him what to do.

Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. "I'm fine," I said as an automatic reaction expecting to see my sister or parents when I turned around. To my surprise it turned out to be Roxanne.

"No you're not," she said shaking her head. "Come."

"Never mind about me," I said, feeling stupid, "Are you okay?"

"Not really," she replied honestly, "But then again none of us are."

Roxanne led me to Lily's room I was currently sharing with Roxy, Lily, Lucy, Frank and Jacob. It was slightly cramped, but the house wasn't huge. It only had six rooms, technically only five since James barricaded himself in his room, and there were twenty-two of us. Alice, Fred, Louis, Rose and Albus were sharing Al's room; Dominique, Molly, Teddy and Victorie were sharing one guest room; Aunt Fleur, Uncle Bill and Aunt Audrey were sharing the other guest room; and my parents and Grandma Weasley were sharing Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny's old bedroom.

It hurt to talk about them like they were gone, but it was the reality. We couldn't kid ourselves anymore. Things were getting serious and there was no sense sugar coating it; Aunt Ginny and Uncle Harry were dead. So were Aunt Angelina, Uncle Fred, Uncle Percy and Grandpa Weasley. Nothing was going to change that.

"Six," Roxanne muttered.

I didn't have to ask for clarification, I knew exactly what she was talking about. "Six," I repeated. "Six members of our family dead in the past year." I paused for a second trying to stop the tears from flowing. "What if it becomes a pattern, Roxy? What if it's just death after death until none of us are left?"

"It's not going to be like that," she stated firmly. "We won't let it."

"Do you think we let it last time? Do you think any of us wanted this?"

"Wanted it?" No. But we also didn't expect it. The element of surprise is what gave Code the upper hand. This time, he won't have that. Because we'll be ready. And we'll beat his sorry ass if he ever comes close to our family again."

She spoke with such certainty that I had to believe her. I smiled and wipe away a tear. "How is it you're reassuring me? I mean, you should be more… hurt than I am."

"I'm… content," she responded, somewhat uncertainty. "They… they wanted this. My parents, I mean. They've been trying to do it themselves for years. My Dad… he can finally be with his brother, and my mom can finally be with her true love. They were never right for each other, my mum and dad. They were both just trying to find a way to be closer to Fred. And now… well they were given that chance."

"Given?" I repeated. "What do you mean given?"

"I mean I saw my Dad run towards the fire. Practically jump into it. He had no reason left to live. He was so far gone, he probably would've overdosed before the summer anyway. Better to let everyone think George Weasley died a hero trying to save his family in the fire, right?"

Despite her brave face I could hear Roxy choking back sobs. "It's okay to be sad, you know. You can cry," I told her, moving closer to my cousin patting her shoulder comfortingly.

"What about the light in the tunnel? I can't lose sight of it."

I paused for a second remembering the metaphor I'd use to explain not giving up to Roxy. "Well, it's okay to close your eyes for a sec and stop looking at it. It's okay to stop and rest once in a while. Just don't forget it's there. And if you remember it, you'll always be able to find it."

"You're the best, Hugo," she said smiling letting the tears flow down her cheeks.

"I know I am," I grinned and hugged Roxy. She accepted and we sat for a while like that sharing strength with each other and giving the other a little squeeze occasionally to remind them they weren't alone.

"Hey, Jake, where you going?" asked Lily appearing out of nowhere beside me and Jacob.

"Uh, the loo," he replied hastily quickly changing direction and darting into the restroom.

Lily frowned. "Well, okay. I'll wait here for you," she called through the door.

I sighed mentally. No matter how many times Lucy or me or Al told her she was crazy she wouldn't listen. The girl was downright stalking Jacob now and it was insane. And after all this time Jacob had finally noticed and was starting to get creeped out by it.

Besides stalking Jacob there wasn't anything else wrong with Lily. Unlike last year she wasn't ignoring me or any of her to her friends. She was the same regular Lily, except around Jacob. Then she turned into a lovesick monster.

"Hey, Lily didn't you hear that?" I asked. "Grandma Weasley's calling you."

Lily frowned and then headed towards the kitchen where Grandma Weasley was making lunch. The door to the bathroom slowly opened and Jacob emerged. "Thanks, man."

"No problem," I replied, shaking my head. "I can't believe her."

"I know!" Jacob exclaimed. "I don't know what happened to her."

"This has been going on for months, Jacob. You just took a really long time to notice."

"But… but… I offered her the chance!" Jacob argued. "I asked her out and she said no."

I shrugged. "I guess she just wants what she can't have."

"What do I do, Hugo?" Jacob asked running a hand through his hair. "I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this is really getting out of hand."

"Honestly, Jacob… the only thing you can do is straight out tell her what's going on. Maybe if she hears it from you she'll realise what she's doing."

Yeah…" Jacob muttered. "Yeah, okay."

Even as we both spoke our agreement I knew we were both thinking about all the ways this could go terribly wrong. Lily was too far gone. I feared she wouldn't stop until Jacob agreed to marry her. And I knew Jacob wasn't looking for a relationship right now… what if I had just ruined the friendship between my cousin and my best friend?

(James)

Nobody wanted to let me leave. Nobody understood. Although they all claimed to. "We know what you're going through" "We can help you, James" "Just let us help" "I understand" "I get it, but just don't leave." "Please." I was tired of it. Tired of people claiming to know what I felt. Tired of people trying to guilt me into staying. Tired of life in general.

I had killed my parents. My wand set the fire that caused their death. I locked the doors so they couldn't escape. I laughed as they burned. Nobody could understand how that felt. I was responsible for making my cousins, and my brother and sister orphans. I was responsible for murder. They could've arrested me. They should have.

I'd be contemplating it for days. Sending myself to Azkaban. Bad idea. From the stories I heard after a while it didn't even hurt anymore. It was like you just… weren't insane. If I was insane I wouldn't be able to suffer. And that was the point. That I suffer and live with what I did.

"James."

Half way down the street and someone was already trying to call me back. I'd barely been able to fight my way out of there the first time. If Teddy dragged me back now, there's no way I'd ever escaped again.

My god-brother jogged to catch up with me. "If you're going to try to convince me to come back you can forget it," I snapped. I meant it to sound threatening but like everything else I'd said in the past week it sounded hallow and empty.

Teddy opened his mouth and closed it. "I can't say I agree with your decision- it's cowardly- but that's not why I'm here."

"Then what do you want, Theodore?"

"Really, James, really?" Teddy shook his head and I responded with a shrug. "I wanted to tell you that Sirius was in that fire too."

"Sirius?" I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Teddy nodded solemnly. "I think he followed you through the fire. He was found lying near what was left of the mantle."

I controlled the wave of sadness that overcame me. "Okay," I said keeping my voice even. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good. You can go now."

Teddy sighed and ran a hand through his turquoise hair. "James, come back," he begged.

"No," I replied flatly, turning away from Teddy and continuing my walk down the street.

"You think you're punishing yourself but really you're hurting Albus and Lily."

I turned back. "I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for them, for all of you. I'm not safe to be around, Teddy. Code had me murder our family. He could have me murder Albus and Lily next. He could have me torture them. And I wouldn't be able to resist. I'm too weak."

"We can help you, James."

"No, you really can't. Flitwick's been trying to teach me Occlumency for months. It hasn't worked, Teddy! I'm a pathetic unteachable time bomb waiting to go off. I'm not going to stay around the people I care about and watch them die. Not anymore."

"Then what the hell are you going to do? Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know," I said quietly. "Anywhere but here."

"You're acting like a child, James!"

"I don't how to be a child, Teddy! I never got to be a kid! I was forced to grow up too fast. And now thanks to me, so are Lily and Roxanne. And Albus. And Lucy. Because I killed their parents; I made them orphans! I took their childhood away from them, their innocence." I took a deep breath trying to stop the tears from flowing. "I forced them to watch their parents' burn to death."

Teddy didn't say anything else. He just watched as I slowly walked away. I was half way down the street when he spoke again. "Coward."

I shook my head. "Not anymore. I'm sorry I was. I'm sorry I didn't make this decision sooner."

"Is that what you call this?" Teddy demanded. "Some act of bravery? James, you're running away!"

"No, I'm letting go. I'm trying to be strong so they don't have to. I'm making the decision to let go so they can be free."

"You're not letting go, James, you're running away. You're trying to put as much distance between you and your problems as possible. You can't live life like that, Prongs!"

"Prongs isn't here anymore," I replied. "Prongs was a carefree kid. Prongs was innocent. I'm a murderer!"

"You're not a murderer, James! You're a guy who's making a mistake!"

"I'm a guy who's made too many mistakes so far, and is making the first good decision of his life. Just let me go, Teddy!" I begged. "Please."

I could see tears forming in my god brother's eyes. "Victorie's having her baby soon. Within the next month. I was going to name you godfather you know."

"Shitty choice," I murmured.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't at the time. Because the James I knew wouldn't have done this. The James I knew would've kept fighting. You're just giving up."

"Letting go," I corrected. "Leaving everything behind in attempt to save you all! I'm sacrificing myself for you."

"You're wrong, James, you're wrong!" Teddy shouted. At this point people who lived on the street were looking out their windows to see what was going on but I didn't care and apparently neither did Teddy. "There's a difference between letting go and running away, James. What you're doing is running from your problems, giving up before you've even tried to solve them. You can't let go of something that might not even be. Something that might not even happen."

"I can if holding on means gambling with the lives of my family!" I shouted. "Didn't you see what happened?! I burned my family alive! What if next time it's Albus and Lily? What if I wake up one day to find you all dead? I'll know it'll be my fault."

Teddy stared at me for a moment. The sadness in his eyes was almost too much to bear. But it was nothing compared to the sadness in mine. "What if you wake up in some faraway place, take a look at the daily prophet and see Albus and Lily Potter die; James Potter still missing as the headline? Wouldn't that be so much worse?"

I closed my eyes for a second trying to stop the tears. "If they die from some terrible accident there's nothing I can do to stop it, whether I'm there or not. But if I'm with them, and I kill them, just like I killed my parents and Percy and George and Angelina, then I'll have to live the rest of my life regretting the decision to stay with them."

"James, you can't do this!" Teddy said desperately. It was disturbing to see my god brother like this. He was usually so calm. He hardly ever yelled in an angry matter, never mind in a defeated manner.

"I'm sorry, but I already did."

I turned my back to my god brother, trying not to picture the tears flowing down his face, or Albus' or Lily's, and continued down the street.

I arrived at the street of abandoned houses in almost no time at all. The words Teddy had told me echoing through my head.

There's a difference between letting go and running way.

It made me question myself, but there was nothing he could've said to make me stay. Maybe he was right, maybe I was just running away. But the only thing I could be sure of right now is that Code still has access to me which means he has access to anyone I'm near or around. Either I had to master Occlumency or I could never see my family again. That's if they'd even want to see me.

There was no lights on in any of the houses. They all looked completely empty, deserted. But I knew better. I knocked on the door of number 32.

The door opened and I stood face to face with a gun.

"Put it down, I don't even have a wand anymore," I said simply.

Marlo stared at me and slowly lowered the gun. "Are you not here to kill me?"

"I guess you know what happened," I replied. My own voice sickened me. The tone was empty and defeated and sounded totally unlike me. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get it to stop sounding like that. Probably because that was the new me, an empty shell of who I used to be.

"I do." Marlo still held the gun ready, although it was lowered. I couldn't really blame you. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, I thought I'd want to kill you too. I thought if this ever happened… I thought I'd want to hunt down Code and his stupid sister and kill them in the most painful way possible. Then find you, show you the dead bodies of the only two people you care about in the world, then tear you limb from limb."

"And you have no intention of doing that."

I shrugged. "My other thought was that instead of killing you I might just come, show you the dead bodies of the two people you love most in the world, and let you live with it. Live with the fact that because of you, because you sided with them, people died."

"No intention of doing that ether?" Marlo guessed lowering the gun completely and moved out of the doorway to let me in.

I stepped in and took a seat on the couch. "I realised two things. One, if I did that I would completely and totally lost all of what I used to be and the prophecy would be absolutely correct about me. And second, it wasn't your fault. At all."

"I'm not even sure I agree with that."

"Doesn't matter if you agree with it, it's the truth."

"Are you not going to hunt down Ryan and Claire?"

"How do you know I haven't already?"

"The tone of your voice implies that you're not capable of much more than sitting and talking. Seriously you look physically and emotional drained beyond repair."

"Thanks."

"And I've spoken to them recently."

"Guess I should've known that."

Marlo stood up and made his way over to what he must've called a kitchen, as it had a microwave, a sink, a kettle and a mini fridge. He put on the kettle.

"They feel terrible about it."

"They?"

"You're right. Claire feels nothing, really. Perhaps a tiny bit sadness, but that's only because Ryan is upset. He's tearing himself up about it just like you are."

"Is that supposed to make me feel something?"

"Supposed to? No. I expected it might make you angry though."

"I'm past feeling angry at anyone but myself."

"If you're passed feeling anything than why are you here?"

I thought about that for a minute. I wasn't really sure why I was here. I know I had promised Marlo that I'd kill him if anything happened to my family, but I really didn't feel up to it. I'd told him that the blood would be on his hands, but really it wasn't on anyone else's hands but mine. I hadn't come for the reasons I'd said I'd come before this had happened. In a way it was almost like I predicted this in the back of my head, but nothing was turning out exactly as I'd planned it. In my head, my family's death hadn't been my fault. In my head it hadn't been my wand that caused their deaths.

As I was thinking the kettle went off. Marlo stood and poured two cups of tea and added sugar and milk. He brought it to where I was sitting. I took a sip. Sugary the way I liked it. Or used to. Right now I felt like I'd just prefer it black and bitter. I set the cup down.

"Drink it. It's the first thing you've had in four days."

"How do you know that?"

Marlo shrugged. "Guess I'm just good with knowing people. I've only met you once, James, but I know you have no plans to take care of yourself, probably ever again. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life but I'm not going to let a person starve or dehydrate in my house no matter what they did."

I snorted. "It's almost like you know me better than my own family. You haven't even tried to cheer me up once."

Marlo took a sip of his tea, studying me. "Do you actually believe that? The difference, James, is that they care for you while I view you as nothing much more than an acquaintance, no offense. I'm helping you because I feel it's the decent thing to do. They know you don't want to hear it but they can't watch you suffer and blame yourself."

"And you can?"

"While like I said, I don't care for you the way they do. Although your appearance is a little unsettling."

"Thanks."

"You look like a hobo who was dragged through a garbage dump." He wrinkled his nose. "When's the last time you've showered?"

"I haven't even been in a bathroom three days."

"I have a shower upstairs."

"It's not like I haven't had access to a bathroom."

"Take a shower, James."

"But-"

"I wasn't offering."

He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me up the stairs. If I had the energy I would've resisted but I really didn't. And he was right. I couldn't just ignore my hygiene and needs. If I wanted to make sure I survived so I could live in pain with what I did, I had to take proper care of myself. The guilt would be painful enough there was no need to add starvation and dehydration to the list.

Marlo shoved me in the bathroom throwing me a towel, a washcloth and a bar of soap.

Reluctantly I turned on the shower and stepped under the warm water. I studied my arms and hands, noticing all the grim on them. Marlo was right, that was quite disgusting.

When I was younger bathing was one of my least favorite things to do. My younger self thought it took away from playing and planning pranks. As I got older I noticed it was one of the few places in my house where I could have peace and quiet. Sometimes my siblings and parents would walk into my room without knocking but no one ever came into the bathroom when they heard the shower on.

The last thing I needed right not, however was time to think. Any spare time I had led to my brain coming up with ways that the fire could've gone differently. Ways I could've saved my family. Or, at least, not been the one to kill them. Thinking led to thoughts of Al and Lily's desperate faces begging me to stay. Thinking led to reminding me how many people I had let down, how many lives I had ruined.

Yet there was nothing else to do in the shower. So I let the negative thoughts consume my brain and the hot water burn my skin.

"Thank God," Marlo said when I stepped into the living room forty-five minutes later. "I was beginning to worry that smell would never come out."

"Very funny," I muttered taking a seat on the couch. In front of me was a plate of sandwiches and two glasses water. It looked delicious.

"Its peanut butter and jelly, James," Marlo said, watching me, "No need to drool over it. Just take one."

"I can't," I replied still not taking my eyes off the food.

"And why not? Because you don't want to give yourself the luxury. Please it's not like I cooked you a turkey dinner; now eat."

"But…" I began, but before I could finish the sentence I had already taken one and shoved it in my mouth.

"I understand you haven't eaten in days, but have you lost all your table manners?"

"My apologies," I said through a mouthful of food. Marlo just sighed.

"Where do you expect to go, James?"

I snorted. "Why so you can tell Code and your girlfriend so they can hunt me down?"

"I told you Code's quite distraught. I don't think he'll be bugging you for quite a while. I was merely curious if you know what you're doing."

"How do you even know I left home?" I questioned, suddenly suspicious. "Are you watching me or something?"

"First of all don't try to make yourself feel better by using different words; you ran away, James. Secondly I told you I'm very observant. I made an educated guess."

"Don't tell me what to think or not think," I snapped. "I'm not running away, I'm sacrificing myself for them."

"Are you, though? Are you really?"

I didn't like the way he was questioning me. It made me fell uncertain. "Of course I am!"

"Explain your line of thought to me."

The question caught me off guard. I hadn't expected to have to explain my reasoning to anyone, especially not a tween twerp. But I felt the need to prove that I was right, that I was not just running away.

"Well, I- uh- I…"

"Exactly."

"Just give me a second," I grumbled. I paused to gather my thoughts. "If I'm around them, I'm a danger to them. Code and your girlfriend can get to my family at any time. Whenever they want. And there's no way for me to stop them."

"Learn Occlumency," Marlo suggested.

"Don't you think I tried that?" I shot. "It doesn't work! I'm unteachable."

"The mind works in funny ways, James. Before you didn't have as much motive to learn Occlumency. Now you're driven to protect your family. Instead of running away, learn Occlumency. You know you're Dad wasn't able to master it until after Sirius Black died."

The mention of Sirius' name sent newfound wave of sadness through me. He must've followed me to the house expecting to see a happy family, wanting to make a grand entrance like he always did. Instead he found flames, smoke and the dead body of his godson. I was so distraught that I didn't even think to ask Marlo how he knew that information.

"But what if I can't do it?" I mumbled quietly.

"What if you can and you never try?" he countered.

"If I can't, and I get them killed… I don't even think I'll survive. I won't be able to live with it." Tears started to pool in my eyes. I took a sip of the water on the table trying to calm myself down.

"I'm not going to tell you to go back home. I suppose I can understand why you don't want to. But I will tell you to go to Hogwarts, continue learning Occlumency, and then think about going home. Consider it. Even after the incident, you have a great family, James. I envy you in ways. Don't take what you have for granted. Appreciate it. Please."

Slowly, I stood up. "Thank you, Marlo."

He handed me another sandwich. "No problem. You're not a bad person, James. You had good intentions. It wasn't your fault, just a freak accident."

"Thanks," I repeated. "Thanks a lot."

Marlo nodded, smiling a little. I stepped out the door and waiting for me down the street was none other than Alice.

"Save the speech," I said smiling.

Alice just shook her head. "I can't believe he convinced you and we couldn't."

I frowned shaking my head in wonder. "I can't either. I'm telling you he would've been one hell of a wizard."

"You are too, you know. And you shouldn't give that up." She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out the wand I thought I'd snapped back at the Burrow.

"Thanks, Ally," I said accepting it.

She put her arm around my shoulder and squeezed me. "No problem, Jamie."

Together we strode down the street and for the first time in days I didn't feel completely terrible.

A/N: Early for once! Hope you guys liked the chapter.

1: Next update will be June 24th-28th. I'll be off school by then but exams are coming up next week so I won't be able to write much again until the 22nd. The update will more likely be closer to the 28th.

2: I just want to say James isn't totally better. He's still completely and utterly depressed. Marlo just helped him realise that running away is what he's doing and that's not solving anything. You might be wondering why Marlo was able to talk to James and no one else was. It's exactly like Marlo said, he doesn't care for James the same way James' family does. They're too invested trying to convince him nothing was his fault and that he should stay home. Marlo simply suggested he at least go to Hogwarts and made no move to say teh fire wasn't his fault.

3: Want to thank all my reviewers. Been getting quite a few lately, albeit from the same people, but thanks :) Mainly to Colin Creevey and Sir Manayaz, you've guys have helped me so much and it's awesome.

4: QotC:o Nothing to do with the chapter really except the bit at the end: Do any of you guys have best friends? Like James and Alice best friends? Like the friends you see in TV shows and in the movies? I do and I'm so lucky! I know a lot of people don't have the same luxury.

Will James ever be okay? Will Roxanne lose the light in her tunnel? Will Fred George and Angelina be united in the afterlife? Will Lily ever stop being obsessed? Why's she so obsessed? Is James making a good choice or a terrible one, running away? Why did Marlo help James? What kind of person is Marlo? What would've happened to James if he hadn't wandered to Marlo house?

"The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a living soul," John Calvin.

-Monkeywoman14